mardi, août 30
i even had a typical 'winter' weekend, despite the lovlieness of saturday. one day was spent with tnb, lying on his couch in my thong and a tshirt, reading a novel and distracting him from his inevitable domination of computer rendered images of tiger woods and justin timberlake. he's got a steely resolve, fo sho - he more or less ignored my scantily clad display. well that is until i pulled him on top of me for a kiss, said 'thank you' sweetly, then as soon as he turned his attention back to the screen started rubbing myself and playing with my nipples. even after that he paid me attention only while arnold palmer was teeing off. well, that is, until i reached the point where i was breathing a little heavier, had completely removed my underwear, and was clearly enjoying myself - at this point he completely gave up all pretext of faux golf and turned his attentions where they belonged.
the sundae was a lazy lazy day of novel reading in bed, cookie baking, and going for a run. i came to work feeling kind of rested - which is a switch after this summer of party weekends and staying up all night during the week. kind of nice, really.
i'm a little weird in that, for me, the year starts in september, not january. so there are about four weeks - from my birthday till mid september, when i'm introspective. when i ponder what i've accomplished this year and what i want to take care of next. and that's kind of what this weekend was about for me - it was nice.
anyhoo... i'm off to work. i can't wait for nk to get here...
lundi, août 29
against the wall, the firing squad ready.
then he got a reprieve.
suppose they had shot Dostoevsky?
before he wrote all that?
I suppose it wouldn't have
there are billions of people who have
never read him and never
but as a young man I know that he
got me through the factories,
past the whores,
lifted me high through the night
and put me down
in a better
even while in the bar
drinking with the other
I was glad they gave Dostoevsky a
it gave me one,
allowed me to look directly at those
in my world,
death pointing its finger,
I held fast,
an immaculate drunk
sharing the stinking dark with
samedi, août 27
did i mention that i have floor seats for the killers in october? and that i'm going to see pearl jam on friday? and that i mostly gave up coffee while i was on vay-kay? which is to say that i came back and realized that i didn't really like it anymore, after a week of drinking madagascar vanilla roiboos with my breakfast. well that was true until this morning, when tnb tucked the blankets around me and said "can i go to tenbucks and get you an americano?" and i said 'oh yes please' because i knew he'd bring me back a chocolate croissant as well, and who wants herbal tea to dip their chocolate croissant into? not me that's for sure. so i drank my americano with brown sugar and cream and gusto and dipped my croissant into it and loved every dark and delicious drop.
last night i went to the beach with tnb and we drank a lovely bottle of bc wine and watched a fucking unbelievable sunset and the toast he made was 'to you and me' and it made me happy happy in a silly way, though i didn't say anything, just smiled at him over the rim of my glass, sipped my wine and looked out over the sea to the mountains across the bay.
nk is coming for a visit and i'm so excited about maybe getting to meet him. i love new friends and adventures - there's nothing better in the world, really, except maybe for sex and chocolate croissants...
jeudi, août 25
i daydream when i'm driving about what i'd do if i won the lottery - sometimes the big bucks, but most of the time just 100k, or 300k or 500k. you know what's funny? aside from giving money to family buying a new car paying for a home mortgage free, my life wouldn't change that much. the thorns i'm trapped by have blackberries on them - they hold me in but in truth they're kind of sweet so i don't really mind too much.
and in truth i'm kind of happy - so why do i feel the need to make a radical change? is it just that i'm not happy enough? or that i recognize, on some deeper level, that this happiness is fleeting it's like a cotton candy happiness and disappears as soon as you have a taste?
today, go see ciavarro 'cause he's talking about something real.
mercredi, août 24
lundi, août 22
i like talking to you when you're half asleep.. drunk with heavy-lidded near slumber. your guard is down, fallen by the wayside as your body slips away from your conciousness. i'm always the most alert now - just before sleep and just after. my pseudo-passivity fools you - i may seem not quite here but don't think for a second i'm any less aware for all that i've just crossed over or am just about to cross. it takes a lifetime of moments for me to settle my head and leave the information overload of the day or the dreams behind me. you, though... it's almost as though i can see your shields drop from your shoulders as you relax, relax into the breeze of the fan and the sounds of the street outside.
my vulnerable moments come when we're driving - when the stars are out and it's dark and the wind is blowing through the window and my words flow off my tongue like the highway beneath the wheels. i'll admit to anything when we're moving fast - my fears, my dreams, my hopes, my sadnesses. if you could see my eyes, at that moment, you'd see my history and my future playing out in the feedback loop of motion picture show. but you can't see my eyes and you can't read this, now, so my secret is safe (until at least the next time).
dimanche, août 21
sad to say it but i'm kind of game-playing with tnb. that is, he's been away for the weekend and i told him i'd speak with him when he got back. usually when i'm out drinking i send out at least one tipsy giggly hihi phone call, but not last night. usually i call to make sure he's arrived at destinations ok, but not this time. so at 8pm this evening i got a "what are you DOING?" phone call, wondering where i was what the fuck is going on with me. i know him better than he likes to think.
i've been having bad conflict dreams for the last
i have been told by someone whom i considered a good friend that i'm open minded about somethings but very closed about others, and for this reason i'm no longer an acceptable friend for her. i'm not sure how this makes me different from anyone else (including this person) but clearly she feels the need to show herself as walking a higher path than i, so i'll just abstain from response and let her stride on alone. it's sad to lose friends, but better to let them be who they are than try and remake them in your own image.
i'm also not ready to go back to work. i wish i could wave a magic wand and have it be one week and two days ago, when i was flying down a starlight highway sipping road pops from the comfort of the passenger seat, listening to dark beats and waxing philosophic on age and life and home-made coolers. i wish i wish i wish.
i feel like i've been away for such a veryvery long time, when in reality it's only been five days away from my desk and my laptop and my colleagues and my poor plant which would be dead by now if it weren't for the divine ms. u (she looks after it as if it were her own - offering quiet words full of carbon dioxide and soothing sips of water).
i do know that i've realized that i don't want to live here very much longer. i'm not so much a big city girl - i like the neighbourhoods within cities, or smaller cities, or towns even, but i'm tired of living in a place where it seems like you just.. can't.. get... ahead no matter how much you make (unless you live in a distant suburb). i'm tired of commuting and i'm tired of having to drive *every*where. i want to live somewhere with clean water for swimming and small markets where people know me and a good bookstore and an italian deli.
or maybe i'm just casting about for connections again.
my muscles are stiff and sore - i awoke this a.m feeling like i hadn't slept, and as though i had been kicked around all night. it took me ten minutes and a cup of tea to formulate a sentence. tea, though. i have also emerged from this side of my holiday with a distaste for coffee. i wonder how long that will last?
i wish tnb were here. i know that he doesn't feel anything for me besides a vague fondness, but he's a toucher and i need human contact in the worst way, even if it is from someone who's interaction with me appears to be superficial at best. am i selling myself short? of course i am. but there's no other way, at this moment in my time, so sellsellsell.
this post is uninspired, like me. i'm out of practice - it'll take me a few days to get back into the swing of things.... just please bear with me.
jeudi, août 18
anyhoo - so i went on a vacation. tnb came along for the weekend but took off early sundae leaving me alone with two other couples. now, this had good points and bad points - the good points being that they're all good people who are lots of fun; the bad points being that they're couples and have a tendency to lapse into couple-think, inspiring me to run silently screaming into the water for a bit of a relaxing paddle. well, not really a paddle. i swim well. you know what i mean. when the water was unavailable i resorted to drinking myself into a stupour. always a grand back up plan.
for my birthday i went to see small town strippers wearing a strapless top. one of the strippers bullied me into flashing her. honestly, it wasn't a hard sell - i'd had a lot to drink by that point. i figure if a stripper really wants to see these 33year old tah-tahs, it's kind of a compliment, you know?
but without much further ado, i present the top things i missed while on holly-daze:
1) my bed. the bed i slept in was a double sized bottom bunk - fun for indoor sports while tnb was still in residence, but once you get beyond that, it's just freakin' uncomfortable.
2) privacy. hard with a minimum of four other people in the room.
3) the kiddo. nuff said.
4) sadly, my blog. i did actually take a notebook with the intention of scribbling, but the folks i travelled with are not so much into that kind of scene and it made me feel conspicuous. so i really really tried to just remember everything that happened so i could come back and write witty things here. unfortunately, i did a lot of drinking to escape the couple-dome.
5) city noises... yeah the wilderness is quiet and it has crickets and coyotoes yipping all night (COYOTES! YIPPING! ALL... NIGHT! FUCKING COYOTES!), but i missed the sounds of the cars whishing past on the street outside my house.
6) the jasmine plant that sits right above my bed. i can smell it while i fall asleep - it's really quite lovely in a sick girly way.
7) coffee in the am. yeah we didn't have any. i've kicked the addiction. well until tomorrow morning, anyway.
8) nk and german and everyone else on the blogroll...
k i'm tired so i'm going to go to sleep now. i'll write more tomorrow, i promise. thank you all for the birthday wishes...
vendredi, août 12
my birthday is monday.
i will be 33.
tonight i leave on a holiday.
tnb is coming along for two days, then leaving me with my friends to play in the sun and the sand and the surf.
i won't be back for about a week - maybe a little shorter - but will be in the midst of nature and all of that other good for you crap and so won't be able to speak with you.
please have exciting adventures while i'm gone, and write long exploratory expositions expounding upon them. i shall try and do the same, and see if i can borrow a camera and maybe take some pictures for you.
miss me. i will miss you.
jeudi, août 11
the air smells like fall, today. before i went to bed, i walked through the house opening all of the windows so that the night could blow in. when i woke up this morning, the air in my room was heavy with dawn and with memories. as i dressed it was hard to bring myself into the mindspace that was on its way to work. i wanted to be getting ready to go to school. the clothes i picked out for myself are clothes that i no longer own. even now, i can't help but feel as though i'm sitting at the wrong desk, engaged in the wrong project.
my eyes are drawn again and again to the stephen greenblatt quote pinned beside my monitor - "And the work of art is not the passive surface on which this historical experience leaves its stamp, but one of the creative agents in the fashioning and re-fashioning of this experience." - this little piece of paper is the tenuous thread which connects me daily to that side of myself. some days the tug is gentle - like a gentle drawing on the tips of my fingers.. two hands slipping apart as we spin spin around the dance floor. on other days, days like today when the promise of autumn kisses the still green branches of the cherry tree outside my window, the tug is insistent, indeed determined.
until i find a way to reconcile myself - until i find a way to draw together the side of me which yearns to immerse myself in books and learning and papers and writing, with the side of me which wants to travel and explore and adventure, with the side of me that wants to meet someone who will wrap me up in their love and their desires - until i find a way to reunite my fractured psyche i will always be filled with longing for the past and for the future. the present will never be enough.
mercredi, août 10
see - this is what i'm good at. i can take you into my world and remind you of the simple fun things that make life worth living. summer should be about having good conversations on a breezy sundeck over barbeque and lemonade; about taking off for the beach at 6.30 and swimming and telling jokes and sharing a drink with random strangers; about curling up on the couch with your arms around each other watching late night tv and laughing at the stupidity of it all. we'll do all that and then i will take you to bed and make your whole body shake and take you to the edge bring you back take you to the edge over and over again 'til you beg me to let you just... step... off.
it's not such a bad thing, being with me.
mardi, août 9
it does, however, sort of counteract the tarot spread i ran this morning, which indicated to me that my future success depended on removing myself from a situation or dilemma which i should never have involved myself in to begin with. or maybe it doesn't?
my new favourite word: zounderkite - a person whose supid conduct usually results in awkward mistakes.
more later, i'm sure. TNB is supposed to be coming for dinner. how does THAT work?
dimanche, août 7
i'm reading charles de lint right now (indulging in my other guilty escapism love) and wallowing in his mystical world where the modern day is irrevocably intertwined with the fey. i wish i could tap into that sense of consiousness. i used to be much more spiritual - granted it's not something that is recognizable in a conventional religious way, but it's my own and it came about when i needed it most and helped me get through some of the rough shit i've encountered in the last few years. my ephemeral properties are a mishmash of pagan and catholic, of buddhist and atheist. the contrasts in them are in line with the contrasts that make me who i am.
but i seem to have lost my grip on it recently. i guess that the reason organized religion is such an easy life preserver to cling to is that you have a designated place to go to when you need to center yourself - it's not something you have to think about and invoke on your own. my everyday life is caught up in figures and trends and putting one keystroke in front of the other and i'm finding it harder and harder to close my eyes, slip away from the burdens of my flesh and just.... be.
sex still works, most of the time, but i'm not having that right now.
drugs still work, most of the time, but i'm not doing that too much right now (last night excepted).
i need to slip away and regain my *self* - i need to find the golden speck of light again, and blow on it and nurture it and help it grow. i need to be by myself in the middle of nowhere and let myself stop thinking. the problem is that i'm afraid to be alone, for some reason, and the middle of nowhere is so far away when you live in this city. there are people everywhere. plus, truly, it doesn't matter where you are, or how many people are near. tuning into your center is something that can and should happen regardless of where your body is - the top of a mountain or the center of a mosh pit. and that's something that i know and have experience as well. i'm just making excuses because i'm afraid that i've ignored it for so long that it doesn't exist anymore.
these are the things that i know to be true and that i need to refocus on to find my way again. they are the lessons of the wise people who've walked this path before me:
- there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way
- nothing is lost in the universe. nothing every disappears, it just changes form.
which leads to...
- everything changes. you can't hold on to someone or something and expect them to always be what it or they appear to be now.
- we receive exactly what we earn. our thoughts and actions determine the kind of life we can expect to live.
- whatever you send out into the world will be visited back upon you threefold.
simple, huh? one would think. but the truth is that getting caught up in the quotidien concerns of everyday life is far too easy. it's such an easy excuse to use for everything. for me anyway.
ah well - i'm still a little fucked up from the drugs. i think i'm going to go shower and sit in the sun and watch the world go by. that always makes me feel better.
samedi, août 6
vendredi, août 5
1) Reign – UNKLE
Dude this is Ian Brown from the Stone Roses set over a kick ass beat. The lyrics are very simplistic, but combine with Brown’s voice in a hypnotic mantra: “I am the lightening. I am the heat. I am the reign. I’m gonna reign this way again…. “ It makes me smile and I’ve been listening to the Way Out West remix of it over and over and over again. There are some songs that make me feel like I’m on the floor in the middle of the crowd – when I close my eyes I can picture myself there, with my eyes closed, shivers running up my spine, dj in front of me, ceiling open to the sky, everyone smiling smiling smiling…. This is one of them.
2) Everlong – Foo Fighters
This is my alltime favourite song. I like the rock version, the acoustic version, the weird trippy spacy live acoustic version… N2 played it on his guitar and sang it for me one night. He got lucky. I’m just sayin’.
3) This Modern Love – Bloc Party
This song is the soundtrack to my romantic life. I mean, if someone could look at me and say to themselves, I want to write a song about a girl who is always just a little too afraid to let herself go, this is the song they’d write: “what are you holding out for / what’s always in the way / why so damn absent minded? / why so scared of romance?” And the funniest thing about this song is that I always end up with men who I wish I could sing it to, you know? I wish I could sing this song to TNB. I wish I could just make him hear the words and understand. But I can’t and I won’t and probably it’s not worth the effort anyway.
4) I Just Wanna Live - Good Charlotte
Yes, yes. good charlotte, mediocre green day. yes, yes. they suck. but man oh man "i rock a law suit when i'm goin to court a white suit when i'm gettin divorced a black suit at the funeral home and my birthday suit when i'm home alone" - Someone wrote a song! With those lyrics! Those actual words! I LOVE that! I'm humming it outloud and cracking up even as i type this.
5) Shine a Light - the constantines. No explanation necessary. I can't wait wait wait till tonight helloooo boys....
6) Pack Up - lyrics born. The guy sounds like this old school bluesman, but he's a wickedcool asian guy. You think you like hip hop? If you haven't heard lyrics born then you should be ashamed.
7) Little Dawn - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists. It's a happy happy song: "stretch out your legs and dance with me all night..." Yes please. Plus when i went to see them the guy playing the drums had a HUGE beard and was wearing head-to-toe brown polyester. How cool is that?
8) Lady Venom - The Swollen Members. If i were a stripper, this would be my song.
9) Digital Bath - The Deftones. I've talked about this song before. I can fall in and out of love between the first chord and the last - right now I can't even listen to it because it makes me happysad and I just want to be happy. But sometimes, when I'm dreaming, this is the song playing in the background. No other song has ever done that.
10) Clubfoot - Kasabian. If I were a dj, I'd drop this right in the middle of a great set and get everyone's hands in the air shouting in unison....
Ok that's it - and the traffic was SO bad today on the way home that I listened to every one of these songs and daydreamed about drinking a beer. So right now I'm writing about all of these songs and drinking a beer. Happy, happy Friday....
kids it's friday. friday's are supposed to be FOF (fuck off fridays) but i'm looking at my whiteboard and realizing i'll be lucky to get out of here on time, never mind a half hour early like i'd been planning. i have a date with dave grohl, you see, and need to make myself pretty.
had a real date last night, with car lot boy. the whole time i was with TNB he still called now and again so when he rang on wednesday to say 'hey let's patio drink tomorrow at the usual place' i said hella yes. he showed up straight from work driving his escalade fully bling'd out in a boss pinstripe - fit right in with me wearing my little white sundress & shades but what the hell he picked the time & place.
speaking of TNB i was talking with him before bed last night, drunk on vodka-sodas from the patio, and mentioned my date with dave grohl. he had a full three minutes of being pissed off at me for telling him i was going out with some 'fuckface' before he realized wtf i was talking about. he was all set (he told me) to say that he had a date with three (countem) total sluts for this evening as well. then he realized that i was going out to see the love of my life and that dave and i had a prior understanding so he had to pretty much just shut up. i couldn't stop laughing. good thing i had sort of evaded the "so what did you get up to this evening" question, huh?
german tagged me to pick my ten favourite (right now) songs and explain why. i'll try and get to it today, but am thinking it might not be till later in the weekend - my sister comes home tonight (yay! sister!) and the divine ms u is taking me out for girl-time tomorrow so time's gonna be tight. i do have a three day weekend, though, so i'll get to it i promise.
oh also, before i forget, ken & ariel have posted a link to the stupidest tattoos known to mankind. is yours there? are you afraid to look? fess up - what's the stupidest tattoo you've ever seen? i, for one, once met a man who had V-I-N-C-E on his right hand and N-E-I-L on his left.....
mercredi, août 3
i can't sleep and i'm all swirly in my head - it's hot and it's got my thinkin all fevered and turbulent. somebody slow this merry go round down down down i can't see the world is running together in a blur of trees and sand and sky and cars going by.
even the fountain outside holds no peace for me this night. i can see you all running up ahead - you are all running away and i just can't keep up. you're leaving me behind. i'm being left behind. i dread the ringing of my phone but at the same time i crave it crave it need to know that i'm not invisible that i hear that you remember i'm here.
do you ever wonder if you've become ephemeral? do you worry that you've lost substance - have become grace a whisper kiss of wind upon the tips of the bamboo? do you secretly hope that it's true?
two more phone calls last night - he called (i was shopping with lil bro); i returned call, chatted for a few min but he was watching movie; he called back at 10pm, talked about how sweet and positive i am, said goodnight sweetie sleeptight.
i thought that i forgot the password to my bloggity blog blog last night. my home computer had taken ill with some sort of video card issue and it was a few weeks before she was up and about again. in the meantime, she forgot my neatly remembered passwords. so i couldn't get in. so i had to get blogger to send me the passwords, but i couldn't access my gmail account (for the same reason) then i remembered my gmail password so it was all good but i'd lost my train of thought so i went to bed to read instead.
it's so nice here people have been seriously slacking off at the office - the clock's chimed quarter past and no-one is here yet, whereas usually there are people all over the place by now. it's good though 'cause i don't turn the lights on, just sit in the dark with the sun shining in the windows and slowly wake up. i know i thought about calling in saying i didn't feel well (cause i don't really, i'm PFP and it's making my belly sore) but i have stuff to do so maybe tomorrow if i'm still feeling buhjiggity.
i like my job lots but it's been quiet and i get bored and then i THINK THINK THINK and that's generally bad for me. even my horoscope today told me to just run on autopilot and let my instincts lead me where they may. so that's what i'll do. today my instincts are telling me to take my boss on a walk at lunch and maybe sneak out a little early and play as much highhat as i can 'cause that bitch is crack and i got my brother hooked and he played for four hours straight last night. i also think it'd make a super sweet drinking game and so i think i'll bust it out on saturday when my sister is home and we are hanging out at her place maybe having a bbq and getting drunk talking about being PFP and she's kicking my ass for giving a shit and telling me about this guy her and her bf have all picked out for me. he's scots, though, so i'm not sure how that will work. i'm ok with guys in skirts but i gotta get me some s-e-x a little more regularly than once a month, know what i mean?
mardi, août 2
this is me making a puzzled frustrated face.
oh by the way? it's four days 'til the foo fighters, at which time Mr. Dave Grohl will profess his undying love for me, and all New Boy confusion will be a moot point. i'm also on vacation countdown (10 days, 7 of which are work days) - not like i'm going anywhere, i just don't have to get out of my bikini for a week (well, except to bathe)(and wash the bikini)(mind you, if i bathed while *wearing* the bikini, i could kill two birds with one stone - wicked) and that's A-OK with me, ya know?
i've read so much over the last week that my contacts feel as thought they are composed of razor wire and i keep losing focus on my computer screen. how's that for fun stuff? too bad too bad the books are all trash - i lose myself in mystery novels when i need to escape from my life for a while. well, and i did read HP in less than 48 hours. but whatever. i'll be wearing super thick coke bottle lenses before my 35th birthday for sure. sexy, i know. how do you resist me?
lundi, août 1
the kiddo and i went to see wedding crashers last night. it was funny crap - talk to german about it 'cause he rules, and i can only remember the overall flavour of the film but he's got specific moments woven into a larger tapestry of what is cool about vince vaughn.
so the younger N called me out of the blue last night to see if i wanted to go downtown. i was just coming out of the movies with the kiddo, though, and wasn't really up for it. also 'cause my favourite way to be self destructive is to throw myself into random sexual encounters when i'm feeling vulnerable, which then makes me feel kind of crappy about myself. and god knows that when N2 calls, it's a booty call, yo.
the divine ms u is supposed to be here with me today, answering the phone and drinking coffee and playing around with the office equipment, but she's running late and so i'm here by myself. well, i think there is a security guard, somewhere, but i've seen neither hide nor hair. which is, come to think of it, a tad creepy.
in the news:
- some caterpillars have been discovered to change their diet when they become infected with a parasite. scientists are shocked and thrilled with this discovery of organisms changing their diets and lifestyles to facilitate health and wellness. such a novel concept, let me tell you. shocking, really.
- i'm totally addicted to highhat. yay for the CBC - coming through for me in my time of need...