mercredi, mars 31

belly full of pizza

it has come to our attention here at the sundae sanitarium that young maktaaq will no longer be joining us each day at our place of employ. she's moving on to better and more artistically fulfilling things. so while we are torn by our joy for her, (congratulations!) we are also sad to see her go. so farewell sweet maktaaq; you are always welcome for saturday brunch.

i'm sitting here lulled into complacency by a bubble bath and a belly full of pizza. those of you who are aware of my difficulty with food allergies will understand what a double edged sword pizza is for me. for those who don't know me, let it just be said that if you melted cheese on a styrofoam cup, chances are i'd eat it with gusto. however, i have also been faced, in the last week or so, with my underlying difficulties (allergy wise) with food.

the way it was explained to me is that when you are allergic to certain kinds of food, they are more or less toxic to you. the more you continue to consume these types of foods, the more the toxins build up in your system, making you more and more sensitive to all types of food. about a year and a half ago, i was at the point where pretty much *everything* made me sick. i think i could eat miso soup and bagels, but that was pretty much it. the day that a toasted buttered bagel made me throw up was the day that my best friend (the lovely and charming stacylicious - who has been mentioned in these pages before) dragged me to the doctor, who referred me to an allergist, who poked me with stuff and made me blotchy and itchy and figured out what, indeed, i *am* allergic to.

anyhoo, the gist of all of this is that food is starting to make me sick again. the scary part of this fact is that i have a certain amount of, um, shall we say, anxiety about food. this stems from, in part, my allergies, but that's not all of it. it's kind of a weird cycle - when my allergies are acting up and certain foods start to make me sick, i start having anxiety attacks when i eat lots of different kinds of foods - even ones that shouldn't bother me. when i have anxiety attacks, i throw up. so the lines of where the allergies are making me sick and where the anxiety is making me sick kind of become blurred. so how do i deal with this? hmm i think that perhaps i just have to take it in hand - give myself a variation of the allergist prescribed 'elimination diet' (but one not so severe - i was losing over a pound a day on that one) and stick to it for a week. i'll clean out my system and get this food fear under control again.

lundi, mars 29


so i believe that i illustrated massive restraint this evening in simply *purchasing* a birthday cake for n2, rather than whipping out my apron and my eggbeaters and fixing a double chocolate / strawberry wonder crowned with mocha creamcheese icing, as had been my original plan. not that i couldn't do it. it'd be good,you know. i'm a good cook. i definitely don't try to win men's hearts through their stomachs, at all. never. that's so not me. but i listened to the voice of reason (personified today through the msn scribblings of sarah) as it asked me... "is he worth it?" and i had to say... hmm probably not. so i didn't. i just went to the market and purchased one. then, however, as i was wracked with the kind of guilt that only irish catholics who pride themselves on their cooking get, i had to stop and get him a sixpack of his preferred malt beverage to atone for my sins.

happy birthday, nick!

dimanche, mars 28

pensive sundaes

memory is a funny thing, huh? i'm saying this cause today calvin and i went to see 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' - unbelievably good, by the way - which is, of course, all about memory.

if you could erase someone from your thoughts, would you? how much easier would life be if you could just blank out the memories and emotions associated with that person? how much of 'you' - your self, your spirit, the stuff that makes you who you are - would you lose along with it? if i could just erase psychojeremy from my memories, how would it change who i am? would i still be fucked up about relationships, but no longer have any frame of reference for understanding why? or would all my fears and insecurities disappear along with him? i'd no longer *have* any reason to be afraid to open up to people, would i?

but then, there are certain memories of times with jer that i'm not sure i'd want to get rid of. for over three years he was my best friend. in a lot of ways, he's the best friend i've ever had. mind you, he's also the *worst* friend i've ever had. but, for example, take the night we went car camping. it was very early spring - probably around this time of year, actually, which is still pretty cold, up there. no camp grounds were open, and i really wanted to go spend the night outside, in front of a fire. actually, what i really really wanted was to lie in my bed, curled up in a blanket or sleeping bag, looking at the stars and listen to loons. so jeremy came and picked me up in his pathfinder - the back seats were lying flat, and the back was filled with warm quilts and pillows. we drove out to a local lake, but it was all chained off for the winter season. he drove up and down the road trying to find a way to four wheel drive in, but the area was pretty much inaccessible. so we went back to his house, and he backed the truck as far as he could into his backyard, under the trees, and we lay in the back of his truck talking and looking at the stars through his sunroof. that's a memory i'd never want to lose.

it's a conundrum, huh? how far would you go to take away the hurt and sorrow of your past? would you want to do it at all?

the list

for those of you who are curious, a short-lived boyfriend and i created our 'lists' over too many carbs for dinner one nite (i could, at this moment, go off on a tangent about how, on that night, knew that it would be short lived because he invited me to dinner at a restaurant based solely upon the fact that he had a coupon, but i won't)

we had to pick 5 people who, no matter what, you have permission to sleep with. no matter how monogamous the relationship, if one of these people surfaces, it's fair game. so here's my list. numbers 5-2 are sort of fluid - they come in no real order other than for the sake of convenience. number one, however, has been number one for years and probably will be for years to come.

5) vin diesel
4) jason statham
3) jude law
2) johnny depp


1) dave grohl. i love to love dave grohl.

i also have a bottom "top" five.. these people sort of float in and out of my consciousness... occasionally something propels them into the top five and knocks someone else out.

6) ewan mcgregor
7) david beckham
8) mattias ohlund
9) david draiman (singer from disturbed)
10) freddie ljunberg (a new entry!)

so, if you know any single men who remind you of any of the above, who are short but not too short, who can carry out an intelligent conversation about something, and who are not crazy, please send them my way.

samedi, mars 27

the locker room experience

the other day, one of my coworkers came up to speak to me and could not contain his laughing. being self conscious by nature, i automatically assumed that i had something on my face, or i had missed a button in a pertinent area, or something else of the ilk. i pressed him for details, but he couldn't tell me - he told me to come down and see him later and he'd fill me in.

so i buzzed him on the office messenger network to get him to tell me. he responded that he had an important meeting to go to, and could not discuss this before doing so, but that he'd tell me as soon as he was done. when he came back online, i carried a certain amount of trepidation down the stairs to see what the heck was up. i stepped into his office and he closed the door behind me, then opened with...

"have you ever had an entirely inappropriate dream about a coworker?" i must say, that i blushed the colour of my namesake. trying to make light of it, i quipped "does that make me a succubus?"; to which he responded "if being a succubus involves a tongue ring, absolutely."

needless to say, whenever i see him in amongst the cubicles now, i have a bit of a giggle fit. i'm such a professional.

so hurt

i've been kicked out of my reading group.

weekly wrap-up

here we are, mid sunny saturday afternoon.. i can't help but feel like i should be out doing stuff, but whenever i leave my house i end up spending scads of money, so i have chosen to stay indoors.

i was rooting about in my herb garden (no, not *that* way, you dirty birds), enjoying the sunshine just now, and was delighted to discover that a large rosemary plant, a nice sized bunch of italian flatleafed parsley, and a small stem of dill weathered the winter. well, besides the huge patch of mint in the corner. my herb garden is something that i started out really excited about last spring - i went to a great little organic garden shop on westham island, purchased a large variety of plants and merrily plotted them out in a nice spot directly beneath my bedroom window. unfortunately, i am completely add and so was almost immediately distracted by something else. probably shoes, but you didn't hear that from me. i wandered out now and again to water it, and to pick some tasty items (especially tomatoes - i had a nice little bumper crop of baby tomatoes) but for the most part completely forgot that the thing existed. mind you, if i cooked more i'd probably use it more. but still. either way, i was glad to see a couple of my poor neglected flora had made it through the trials and tribulations of having me as a caretaker. it's really a wonder that calvin has managed to make it this long - i'm surprised he didn't wither and grow brown due to lack of water years ago. mind you, he has the advantage of being able to pour himself a glass of water....

today calvin and i met up with mike b. and ibrahim at the naam for brunch. every so often i do need a scrambled tofu and miso gravy fix. yum... calvin was more than delighted to discover that mike b and ibrahim are both fans of risk - he's been pining for someone to play with. i'm not very good with board games. i like cranium etc, but for the most part i can't sit still long enough to pay attention and plot strategy. then calvin and i headed off for downtown - i introduced him to my favourite used bookstore (macleods at pender & richards) where he promptly charmed the heck out of the little middle aged ladies running the place. he's off on a russian history / literature bent, so was hanging out in that corner talking anarchy and revolution with this 45yr old woman who was tidying the section. i don't think she quite knew what to do with him.

vendredi, mars 26

friday at last (again) (again)

A little girl goes into a pet shop and says,
"Excuse me mister, I want to buy a rabbit."

The pet shop owner asks, "Ah, what would you like,
a little fluffy white one or a cute brown one?"

The girl replies, "I don't really think my
python gives a fuck."

jeudi, mars 25

new shoes cure the blues

oooo just below the knee tight fitting kitten heeled super pointy black boots with two white racing stripes on each. on sale even. how fun is that?

how short is too short, you may ask... well let me tell you a little story about me.

i like short men. when i think back over the men i've dated, i can count on three fingers the number who have been over 5'7". it's just the way i'm made - i can't help it, don't ask me to explain it. psychojeremy, for example, is 5'3" tall. *however* (and this is a big however) i never felt *big* when i was with him. he walks tall, works out so is pretty broad, and has an attitude that has trouble getting through doorways. these are things i find attractive in men. i guess it's little big man syndrome, to a certain extent, but whatever. it does it for me.

the sunday nite excursion made me feel *big* - this is not a good thing for a girl who sometimes has issues with food. he was no shorter than el loco, but he didn't have the, i don't know, presence that the guys i usually date do. does that make any sense at all? nice guy; seems funny; not ugly... just not there. am i too picky?

mardi, mars 23

lessons learned this week (well, since friday)

1) watch out for curried tofu
2) moxee and mutt are gracious hosts
3) it is, indeed, possible to fall in love with a canine (*waves* hi hank!)
4) there is such a thing as too short
5) temps cannot be counted on to show up for work
6) it is possible to avoid car trouble simply by covering the warning light with a fuzzy pink arm warmer
7) vodka tastes good mixed with lemonade and raspberry sourpuss.
8) north van has some cool spots that i'd like to spend the day exploring
9) it is just this side of impossible to get off the north shore at 4pm on a weekday
10) i'm not sure if tom robbins is my favourite author, anymore

dimanche, mars 21

sundae morning

being sick sux. being sick when you are visiting and have o-so-many fun plans sux even more. the suckiness of my sicky saturday was mitigated by the fact that mike b., mutt, and moxee-rama were such lovely and gracious people to be around...

mox & mutt - your home is a wonderful place to be, sick or otherwise. i shall come back (if am still invited ... ) and cook you dinner some day to say thank you. say hi to that handsome dog of yours- i think i'm in love... OH, and if you happen to be by the canoe club and run into the surfer boy, be sure to send him my kisses.

another down side to my sicky saturday is that i had to postpone my date with the new stockbroker boy. but, tonite we are to get together to have a mojito on the drive (how edgy urban is that?) and see where that takes us. yes, i realize that it is sunday, but why not go on a first date on a sunday evening? it sort of helps to ensure that this impetuous sundae girl will not take things too far (knowing you have to get up at 5.30 on monday morning sort of ensures that you are in bed by a decent hour).

mike b did have a hot date last nite. this would be why i haven't sent along my usual 8am WAKE UP text message. i thought that i'd be respectful of his potential need to sleep. nice of me huh? i'll do it at 9.

samedi, mars 20


Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about

No cheating.

If you were making a dessert and you had your choice of those below (or
some great bakery was baking the dessert of your choice), which would you

Angel food


Lemon Meringue

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think
What your choice will be!

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about

Angel food ... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A
little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day.
Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

Brownies ... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of
underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out
your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.

Lemon Meringue ... Smo! oth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are

excell ent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk
and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing ... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very
grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious
in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

Strawberry Short Cake ... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other
people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be
overly emotional and annoying at times.

Chocolate on Chocolate ... Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very
creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You have a cold exterior
but are warm on the inside. You are not afraid to take chances. You will
not settle for anything average in! life. Love to laugh.

Ice Cream ... You like sports, whether it be football, hockey,
basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but
you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.
You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

Carrot Cake ... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You
are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm
hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.


i was chocolate on chocolate... no surprises there, huh?

grammar schmammer

You are the grammar Fuhrer. All bow to your
authority. You will crush all the inferior
people under the soles of your jackboots, and
any who question your motives will be
eliminated. Your punishment is being the bane
of every other person's existence, because
you're constantly contradicting stupidity.
Everyone will be gunning for you. Your dreams
of a master race of spellers and grammarians
frighten the masses. You must always watch your
back. If only your power could be used for good
instead of evil.

What is your grammar aptitude?
brought to you by Quizilla

jeudi, mars 18

csi nite

moxee wanted me to add 'nefarious' my list. so there it is.
i have just come from london drugs. that place never fails to amaze me: i can go in for 3 items and come out with a cartload and a $100 tab. much like (so says mike b) costco. mind - at costco you go in for three items, come out with three items and *still* have a $100 tab.
megs and i came within a hairs breadth of a severe reprimand from our ceo yesterday. we had very important business partners visiting our company and some of the 'girls' took one of the men out for dinner on tuesday evening. he was a good sport so we spent the time regaling him with tales of the pickton farm and why he should avoid pork products while visiting vancouver. at the end of the extremely enjoyable meal, i leaned over and said "tomorrow morning, you really need to tell [insert name of vp here] that megs and i took you to brandi's after dinner". what makes this funny is that anyone who knows either megs or i, individually, (or together, even worse) would fully believe this to be a sure thing. (brandi's is, for those gentle readers who are *not* in the know, the upscale strip club here in lotusland where b-lo had the indiscretion which led to the end of his relationship with j-lo.) anyhooo.... this fellow, recognizing a decent prank when he sees it, busted out with the line the following morning. *however* he managed to do it right in front of our ceo - a very family-oriented gentleman. megs reported back that she got "the look". fortunately, most of the execs at our company have a sure idea of the character of the two of us... and usually appreciate us for it.

mercredi, mars 17

which book are you?

more quiz fun!

You're Love in the Time of Cholera!
by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Like Odysseus in a work of Homer, you demonstrate undying loyalty by sleeping with as many people as you possibly can. But in your heart you never give consent! This creates a strange quandary of what love really means to you. On the one hand, you've loved the same person your whole life, but on the other, your actions barely speak to this fact. Whatever you do, stick to bottled water. The other stuff could get you killed.

this one, i find, is weirdly accurate...

drama queen?

how much of a drama queen am i?

According to your answers on the test, you are given to the occasional dramatic outburst. You seem to have days when you are calm and rational, yet others when you ride a temporary roller coaster of emotion. Yes, sometimes you overreact. Perhaps you are more sensitive in certain areas, like your love life or health. Or maybe you go a tad over-the-top during certain times of high stress (or fluctuating hormones... and this happens to both men and women!). Whatever the case, it would certainly be beneficial to keep the theatrics to a minimum. Going over-the-top can spice up your life but it also can cause unnecessary stress. When you're on the verge of freaking out, take a deep breath and consider how things fit into the big picture. Is it really worth it?

lundi, mars 15

underused words (at least by me)

okay maybe i should preface this with an explanation. i have a vast vocabulary. however, the character of my employment sort of puts limitations on the words that i use. i find that many words are simply underutilized. these are not, necessarily, specialized words - often they are just fun to say. ergo - a list. feel free to add your own, as this is by no means a comprehensive list. in fact, as i think of the words that are residing in the dangerous grey areas of my memory, i shall try and blog them into perpetuity (ooo perpetuity). liberate the underused words! release them to the ether! give them life, i say!

  • perpetuity
  • superlative
  • juncture
  • mezzanine
  • flamboyant
  • discombobulate
  • intrinsic
  • hegemony
  • swift
  • titillate
  • uvula
  • cerise
  • chock-a-block
  • bellicose

  • lascivious
  • undulate
  • peristalsis
  • pounce
  • indignant
  • indigent
  • semicircular
  • seraphim
  • happenstance
  • sickle
  • limpid
  • languid
  • asinine
  • gargantuan

samedi, mars 13

the red, it filters through

man i spent a lot of money today. the problem with me *having* money is that i like to *spend* it so much... but i guess i made a car payment, and got calvin some new shoes, and bought music and reading material. (justify justify justify).

was speaking with sarah earlier and we were in the same boat - we wanted to go out, but were caught in a lethargic stay at home vibe. we were to meet back here on the computer, but i've migrated to my sweatpants and taken my hair down. mind - if she came up with a tempting offer, i'd be all over it. at this point, though, i'm just tired and thinking of going out to rent a movie. actually, even that seems like a lot of effort at this point. how lazy is that?

i wonder if mike b would be up for a victoria visit next week? i feel the need for a bit of a roadtrip and since i missed out on moxeelcious fun when she was here i'm feeling a little deprived.

soo torn... what to dooooooo.... lol silly girl: watch hockey night in canada and lie about in my jammies. next weekend will be a grand one out. i promise i shall have exciting things to talk about at a later date.


the nite of bun's goodbye fete, i wandered into a conversation between the younger n and some other guy from our work, who shall be called, from this point onward, smith. not because i'm protecting his privacy or anything (since when have i done that in this blog? mwah ha ha) but because i can't remember his name for the life of me. smith had been chatting jen up for most of the evening. i guess he has a tendency to attach himself to women and then become quite possessive of them after an hour or so spent together. knowing this, N1 went up to them and started talking to jen - not in an overly flirtatious manner or anything, just friendly like. smith became quite irate with N1. the conversation i wandered into stemmed from this - N2 was consoling him saying that there are two kinds of women - the 'arty' kind, and the other kind, which is the type that him & N1 end up with. i was trying to figure out where i fell into the mix - i wouldn't say that i'm particularly arty - at least in the way that i define myself i never see myself fitting into the kitschy artist style mode - but i can see how it would perhaps seem that way to an outsider. N2 never did answer me... he just backpedalled cause he was embarressed about pigeonholing and being called on it.

but it's interesting to think how the way that people view you is so much different from the way you perceive yourself, isn't it? would you want to know how others view you? i kind of do, sometimes - especially cause i do have a tendency to 'wear' personalities. there are certain people i'd like to take out and spend a lot of time with one on one so that they can see who i 'really' am... or at least see some of the other stuff i have to offer. but then, maybe that kind of stuff isn't interesting to the people i'm thinking of? hmm i don't know.

later that nite, when we were back at N2's place, N2 was talking to john while i was getting a drink in the kitchen... i overheard john saying "she's so *nice*!".. and N2 saying "i *know* - she drove me all the way back her to get my id...". what was funny about the exchange was how *surprised* they sounded. don't i seem nice? i like to think i am...

my friend todd told me once that i was too "styley" for guys. is that what they mean by 'arty'? and why would i be too "styley"? what, exactly, does that mean? it totally stuck with me, though. i am trying so hard to be true to who i am - not an easy feat when i'm working at a corporate style job - that things like that really strike a chord; make me doubt myself a little bit. which i hate.

i guess it goes back to my desire to find a niche.. but then if i'm really comfortable with myself, is it that important to have people who are also comfortable with who i am? i think so. community... belonging.. these are all ingrained human desires and needs. i'm no different. i think i'm just looking in the wrong places - at least on the romantic side of things. i'm looking at guys who are looking for the 'other' kind of woman, i guess.

jeudi, mars 11

fave pop culture reference of the day

you can say what you want about "pop punk", but blink 182 are damn postmodern. this is my favourite pop culture reference in a least two days...

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

working from home *again*

so somewhere in the dregs of the evening a couple of saturdays ago, i was waxing rhapsodic about how easy it is to do your taxes via those little computer program thingys. and somehow, the outcome of these intoxicated ramblings was that i agreed to do nick's taxes for him. now this isn't a complicated thing - he has only one t4 and that's it: no rsps or anything. what's strange about the whole situation for me is that i now know more about his financial situation than i have about most of the people i've dated - including people i've lived with. and to think we are talking about two people who are afraid of commitment..

i've noticed that mike b is catching up to me in hits. i have been severely lax in my postings, so i apologize. this week has been a little hectic. i have even failed to mention my new shoes....

omg my new shoes. i wish i had a digital camera so i could post a photo. they cost a fortune but they are so damn cute: little black pumps with pointy toes and kitten heels and PINK stitching! i wore them to work the other day - we were doing a tour for some of our corporate style customers, and our vice prez brought the group over to our "pod". the whole time he was doing his speil, one of the women in the group was staring at my feet. when he finished speaking, she sort of leaned towards me and said "nice shoes!". you could tell that the vp was mildly perturbed but at the same time amused that she'd missed his presentation due to shoe envy...

mardi, mars 9

not sure what to say...

yesterday i was giving one of cal's friends a ride to the hospital for a visit and was having an interesting conversation with her. we were talking about our mutual dislike of the question "what's new?". it's really a wierd question. unless there is something significant that's JUST happened to me, well- nothing. everything is pretty much keeping on as it's been keeping on. i'm putting one foot in front of the other and trying to keep a smile on my face, cause i think that even when people aren't smiling back it's the best way to face the world.

mind you, today something is new - calvin came home from the hospital. he's not better, and i'm not entirely sure he's *ready* to be home. but he is and i must say i'm really really happy to have him home. so i'm greeting it with a smile and hoping that we can all stick by him and make it so that this never happens again. we are trying really hard to make his world as agreeable to him as possible right now; to listen to everything he's saying and try and see the meanings and feelings under the words. it's hard though.

i'm so bone tired i can hardly lift my arms, never mind the corners of my mouth. if it weren't for stacy i don't know if i would have made it through the last week. my god it's been almost a week...

tomorrow i am going in to work a little late, cause i know that i will have to stay at the end of the day to complete a job interview. so i will sleep in a little. hopefully i will be able to sleep knowing that he's in the next room, not in some scary sterile hospital room. i just hope that i can relax enough to do it, you know?

vendredi, mars 5

friday afternoon

i went in to work for a few hours today; if i was sleep deprived earlier in the week i can't imagine what you would call my current state. i am at that point of tired where there's an irritating drone at the back of my head...

i spent the afternoon with calvin. he's kind of doped up (they are giving him anti-anxiety meds) but i think he was happy to have me there. we had a companionable sushi lunch - sensibley the child refuses to eat hospital food (as an aside, i noticed his lunch malingering on a table in the common area: a cheddar cheese and butter sandwich on brown bread and a fruit cup) - went for a wander on the hospital grounds, then went back up to his room where he succumbed to a nap and i read my book.

jeudi, mars 4

so i spent the night in the hospital. calvin had to go to emergency cause he was cutting his arm again; since it's the third 'incident' in less than that many weeks, the doctor committed him to the psychiatric ward. we waited till after 3 to find an open bed, then went by ambulance. they wouldn't let me stay - i had to get my dad to come and get me.

this is the worst i've ever felt in my entire life. i can't stop thinking back and wondering how i could have stopped this. i keep remembering stuff that happened only a year ago - a trip we took to kamloops, for example, for a track meet and how happy he was. why can't i just make it better for him? why doesn't there seem to be anything i can do?

maktaaq has a link on her blog to a person who was planning on committing suicide yesterday. while on one level i understand the sensation - feeling like there is no one in the world who can help you; that life is fruitless and without joy. but on another level it pisses me off so much cause right now i'm living on the other side of it. i'm watching the person i care more about than anything else in the world slowly destroy himself and o my god it hurts so much, cause there is nothing i can do

mardi, mars 2

mmm baths and vodka

so i indulged in a steamy tub with a very large glass of lime perrier and vodka. no i don't have a problem it's just been a stressful week. i'm getting my period and i put my mobile down somewhere and i'm not sure where. that may be because of the vodka, though.

i'm trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow to accomodate my swollen bits and cranky facade. i wish there were days when it was fully understood why you are wearing fleece pants and a hoody with the hood up; why you have six zits, blotchy skin and a big gut. sexy sexy.

how do you cope with what moxee calls "the utes"? i used to know a girl who had two sets of her favourite outfits - one set was a size larger for just that time of the month. how brilliant is that? i also used to know a girl who's feet & ankles used to swell *a lot* every month. so she'd wear flip flops. even in the dead of winter, even with her business style clothes. if people questioned her on it, she gave them the gory details. served 'em right, she figured. mind you, this was also before the past couple of years of trendy 'wear 'em with anything' flip flops. i tend to eat like crazy for a few days, hole up in my house for a few, and pour drugs on it until the world looks like the set from "yellow submarine".

i know, i know - too much information. but it's my blog, dammit, and i'll post what i want to..

back to work tomorrow

ben just came on line. he was on his way to the airport to head back. i came pretty close to shedding a wee tear and had to do a 'year in the life of hanging out with ben' retrospective in my head.

so much stuff has been going on in my life lately - all this stuff with calvin; work not being so fun; grandma in the hospital; boy stuff. i hate feeling like a whiner, but man, sometimes i wish it would just lay off, you know? i wish life would just settle in and be good for a while. i truly believe that you get back what you send out, and i'm really really trying to send out positivity. and, i must admit, that there are some really great people in my life, and i have been definitely having some fun times.

ah i don't know what i'm complaining about. in the grand scheme of things, i've got it fairly good. i should just start to be accepting of my lot in life and happy with what i've been handed, right? (it is at this point that i can hear stacy freaking out in my head).

i don't believe in an afterlife. i don't think that my reward for living a good life and being kind and giving will come to me in the 'beyond'. i just have to learn either to a) start living for myself and not giving out so much to other people (especially people who don't deserve it) or b) not caring. i'd hate to be all jaded and negative though. that's not me. i *am* a nice person. i *am* a positive person. sometimes, though, it just seems like there's no real point...


today's horoscope:

"Breathe deeply. Relax. Think profound thoughts. Smile. Today's a good day to get in touch with your deepest subconscious desires. ('What's that, subconscious? You think I should ask that cute person out. All right, I'll get right on it!')"

personally i think that i am going to turn the first four caveats into my action items for every day.

working from home

so i'm sitting here in my jammies drinking coffee in the sunshine. there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. working from home today is also a good thing, considering the fact that i didn't get home till 12.30 last night. i popped out for a goodbye drink with ben, and when i arrived, n2, dustin and bear were also there. so i got to be the only girl and hang out with the boys. i like that sometimes... though ben's friend bear was, for some reason, convinced that i was his fun for the night. his clinching line was "what if this is your last chance ever? doesn't that change your mind?" i pointed out that i was never the kind of girl to fall for that whole "i may never see you again" / "men have special needs" bullshit approach to seduction. i'm pretty liberal - if i want it, i get it. i was also sitting beside nick the whole time, so even if i *had* been into it, i probably would have declined.

though there really was no chance. i mean, saturday night he spent the whole nite making out with some girl. when she wasn't around, he was hitting on me. is that supposed to impress me? was i not supposed to notice? i don't get how some guys think that you should just be grateful for the attention and pay no regard to the fact that they are treating you like a tramp.

i also like the fact that i kind of got to spend more time with nate & nick & dustin in a)an away from work setting and b)a just hanging out setting. i really like those guys - they crack me up. i'm sure going to miss ben, though.

lundi, mars 1


so one of the results of sleep dep is that if you lose enough, you end up having really vivid dreams when you finally do get to sleep. i'm thinking about this because i was having email correspondence with mike b earlier today, talking about my issues... which led to me contemplating my conversation with nick on saturday nite about how i'm the last person he needs to have commitment worries about... which led me to recall a dream i had a few years ago which may offer some insight into my psyche.

after a weekend of no sleep due to certain pharmaceuticals, i had a particularly vivid dream. i had only been asleep for about an hour when i dreamed that i was being buried alive. i could actually feel the clods of dirt hitting my face.. feel the weight of the earth pressing down on my chest and cutting off my air supply... i could feel myself slowly suffocating. i pulled myself back out of sleep for a moment and was gasping for air, rolled over and sort of shook myself off and went back to sleep. i then slipped back into the exact same dream, except instead of starting from the beginning the dirt was at the same point it was when i had woken myself up. it kept piling up on my chest and on my face.. was getting into my mouth and i could *taste* it - feel it in my nose and in my lungs... i pulled myself up into wakefulness again and again, only to slip back into the dream, each time deeper and deeper under the ground... eventually i had to get up out of bed and sit on the couch. i was afraid to go back to sleep because i was half convinced that it was actually happening..

now how do i interpret this dream? well, i see it as fairly indicative of my fear of being weighed down. but then maybe that is *now* me looking back on *then* me, who was really an entirely different person. either way, it was a pretty creepy dream. i can still feel it - you know when an experience is that haunting that it just stays with you...

on that note - i finally asked nick what he thought of the piece of poem i printed up for him. he said that he loved it - that he hadn't had any more weird experiences since i gave it to him, cause he knew exactly what it meant.

sun day

here's a funny story: we got kicked out of our brand new offices today, cause the builders forgot to file some permits or other. we were originally planning to ignore the 'do not occupy' signs posted at the door, but then the nazi-esque city officials came 'round and said nononono. so we all got sent home early and are working from home tomorrow. megs and i took advantage of the early day to wander on the drive, then have a vanilla latte. she realized 3/4 of the way through that said beverage did not comply with her south beach diet. it's my theory, however, that this afternoon was stolen time therefore you could eat or drink anything and it didn't count. since tomorrow is supposed to be lovely, as well, we planned a project manager lunch meeting for 1pm at cactus club. well, if you have to work you may as well work in style...

i am meeting ben for a drink at doolins later this evening, i believe... i'm really going to miss him. the office is so quiet when he's not around. he had me nearly crying this morning - came on line and was talking about how much he'll miss everyone. i can do this, since i don't have to get up until 7am tomorrow. how happy am i?