the ability to reason that wears so thin

so last night the kiddo went to see rancid. i did not, but seethed quietly in jealous pudding. i did, however, go grocery shopping with my mum. you can see as how those two things are comparable, right?

riiiiggghhhttt.....

anyhoo, as we were pottering about the market like two old ladies at the church bake sale, i received a call from my offspring:

static-static-noise "pink with a big skull and crossbones!"
'what?' i asked.
static-noise-"really cool!" noise-noise "skull!" static-static
'oh, cool!' i responded enthusiastically, assuming that he was telling me that he was going to borrow money off a buddy to get a shirt and asking if i'd slide him the cash for it later.
static-static "you want it?"
'uh, sure!' i say, getting confused now.
"ok it's yours!" and he hangs up.

so the end result of this fractured conversation is that he got paid yesterday (this child with actual money of his own to spend thing is a great gig - i highly recommend it). he saw a pink zippy rancid hoody with a huge skull and crossbones on the back. and bought it for me. how sweet is my boy?

you know i'm fly you think i'm gettin high

ug i have girlie cramps today. this is why guys read girls' blogs, isn't it? to learn about the detailed workings of the female anatomy?

yeah that's what i thought.

you know, one of the coolest things about dating guys in their thirties is that they've been around females for a really long time. most of them have been in major relationships - they are not usually fazed by the icky bits anymore, and usually they are quite sympathetic.

punkrock boy resurfaced last night for his regular 'every three months or so' booty call. i declined the opportunity. look at me go. of course he promptly proceeded to tell me exactly what he would do to me if i changed my mind *fans self*. i remained firm in my resolve, however, and stayed home to watch tv and talk with the architect on the ehm-ess-ehn. now that it gets dark at 7pm i don't feel guilty about lying around in my pjs, drinking tea and chatting on the 'net.

ok - must work, and find some way to drug myself into not caring that my belly is trying to rip itself apart....

random confession #2

i generally bawl my eyes out at the end of 'cold case'. no idea why.

i think that the next time i hear that a fugitive is making a 'run for border', i, as an unarmed project manager, am going to walk off the job.

i remember when, i remember when i lost my mind

you know, i'm still not sure if i like that song or not. yes, i realize it's been a year. i'm just... undecided.

sat down on the architect's couch this afternoon - we'd gone for brunch and a shopping wander - and woke up 2.5 hours later. guess i needed a nap. i hate doing that though - it was a beautiful day and i feel as though i completely wasted it. bothers me to no end.

so friday night we went to see james murphy and the juan mclean at celebrities downtown. the evening started off well enough - naked rolling around, then drinks at a friends, then headed off to the club. the first dj (no idea who it was. anyone else there?) was pretty good, and the juan mclean was great. james murphy started off promisingly enough but, as the evening progressed, he either got drunk, lazy, or apathetic, (or, of course, all of the above) because i haven't heard so many trainwrecks since dj mm was first starting out and was throwing parties in his living room. as clarina pointed out, it seemed as though it was only a matter of time before he threw down some cc peniston, or maybe some c&c music factory. and we're not talking about in a kitchsy cool 90's dance music revival way. we're talking in a bad small town dance club / stereotypical gay bar / night at the roxbury kind of way. definately a whimper, and absolutely not a bang.

afterwards the architect, clarina, d-rod and i all headed down to spanish banks with some blankets and lay out on the beach, looked at the stars and listened to music. there's not too many places in the world where your gaze can drift from the cityscape, to the freighters in the harbour, to the mountains resting in the moonlight all with one sweep of the head. it's moments like that when i remember how lucky i am to be here.

so we hung out until 5.30 or so, headed home and napped for a couple of hours, then i hooked up (not like that you freaks) with my sister for some sushi and some shopping. we seem to have mended our fences, which is a really good thing. she is the family member i am closest to - i hate not getting along with her.

anyhoo... i'm going to put on my jammies and watch some tv. i'm still kinda sleepy. being up for 24 hours then getting only 3.5 hours sleep will do that to you at my age, i guess....

let's waste time chasing cars

so here it is, friday again. for those of you trapped in the 'lesser' parts of canada, keep in mind that it is going to be sunny and around 20deg. celsius all weekend.

heh - suckers.

mind you this positivity is mitigated by the fact that it will probably start raining sometime mid next week and not stop till.. oh.. say... may of next year.

so tonight we are going to see james murphy of lcd soundsystem / dfa records and i am *so* excited. i need to go dancing. like i NEED to go dancing - i am feeling sluggish. now fall for me is a time of setting into dinner parties and restaurants with friends and warm nights at home wrapped up in a quilt, drinking tea or wine, watching movies. but i still have to get out and shake my skinny white ass once in a while. i dunno - i guess it's just something i need to do once in a while to feel young. funny, huh?

my folks are going to the uk / spain for about a month - my mom for a little less time than my dad - so i'm taking care of the house. i'm pretty excited about it - there are def. worse places to look after. my biggest concern will be the kiddo getting himself up out of bed in time for school every morning, 'cause i sure as heck can't stick around do kick him out the door. well, i guess i could switch my hours up for the time period, but i kind of like this whole getting to work before everyone else, having some time to myself in the morning thing. i like sitting here when the lights are still off, drinking a coffee, reading the news and my horoscope and the funnies. i don't feel like i've started my day correctly when i get in late. i'm not a 'by the book' person, but i do take some comfort in my morning routines.

i bet you look good on the dancefloor

i'm tired of winter already, and it's barely begun. i want to wear little dresses and flipflops, not high heels and wool. to think that only a couple of weeks ago i was thinking to myself 'why won't the seasons *change* already'. can't please some people, huh?

from the books of 'classic raspberry moments': the other night i was eating spaghetti. i slurped a string. the end flipped up and hit me in the eye.

yes.

i poked myself.

in the eye.

with spaghetti.

i gotta tell you, spaghetti sauce in the eye is not one of the more pleasant things i've ever experienced. in fact, it's possibly up there as one of the least. don't recommend it at all.

only i could possibly require safety glasses for dinner.

a dead generator in a cloud of exhaust

ohhh i can barely open my eyes this morning. it's winter, yo - like cold and chilly and damp. how did this happen? where did summer go? how is it that i spent such little time at the beach? so few hours on patios sipping cocktails and watching the boys go by?

i could sit here with my head in my hands and fall asleep in about thirty seconds. i'm not kidding you. why am i so tired? no idea, actually. i think it's the fact that it's grey and nasty out, perhaps coupled with the messed up sleep patterns of the weekend. though i did get lots of sleep - not too much, i don't think, but just enough.

holy fuck this is a boring post. what could i do to possibly make it more dull? why tell you about my new crockpot and how excited i am to try it out, of course.

or not.

jeebus.

i did go treasure hunting at value village yesterday, and came out with a grey pencil skirt, a great turquoise angora wrap sweater, and a black bat-wing blouse. that was pretty exciting. well, for me anyway, cause i desperately need fall clothes and i am desperately low on cash. i forgot how simultaneously rewarding and frustrating it can be. oh i also got a cool new purse - babyphat for $3. i heart that. *and* i made super yummy chocolate chip oatmeal cookies....

how spoiled is my son, though? i called the kiddo at work yesterday. he put in his supper order (choices - baby potatoes, green beans & baked salmon; roast beef, pan roasted potatoes & green beans; samosas & rhubarb chutney). he made his selection (went with the beef, requested hotsauce on the meat & jamaica mistake salad dressing on the veggies) and i hand delivered it to him at work with a tall glass of milk. then, two hours later, i went over to deliver two straight from the oven cookies. he's the prince, for sure.

ok now that i've rendered my male audience comatose and completely destroyed my reputation, i'm going to get some work done...

you fighting me off like a fire does

yay for fridays... i need to be part of an organization that believes in flex days. i could do with every other friday off. or monday - i'm easy. (shut it)

the architect is taking me out for fancy dinner tonight - we are going to quattro on fourth avenue, primarily because it's more or less right across the street from his house. gotta take advantage of this, because all that is across the street from his new place is .. uh.. i think the cactus club. close to it, anyhoo. either way - not bad for a quickie meal (eat 'cause you're hungry and don't want to think about it) but really i try to avoid eating at places like earls & the cactus club. there are so many other great places in vancity - why would you settle for average? a first date with someone who suggests the cactus club or earls is probably the only date. is that an unreasonable criteria upon which to judge someone's character?

nah..

anyhoo dinner. yeah so i checked out the menu online to make sure there would be something i can eat, and sure enough there's quite a bit that looks promising. i think i'm going to step out of my usual salmon / arrabiatta pasta / salad italian restaurant rut and either go with the venison chop or (as a total departure) cornish game hen. i've never tried it, but i've always been fascinated. also, i checked the allergy type properties of it and it seems as though i should be ok.

for my birthday, my brother gave me a copy of insatiable, the autobiography of gael greene - a food critic slash author. one of the classic quotations (which sums my personality up swimmingly as well) is where she muses the two greatest inventions of the 20th century are the cuisanart and the clitoris. she's a bit of a hedonist, you see. reading about her adventures in food - travelling all across france in a veritable orgy of sex and food - makes me really wish i wasn't allergic to all the fun stuff, you know? i love food. i have no idea why i don't weigh a buhjillion pounds. i could cook and eat 24/7. le sigh.

eating and fucking. fucking and eating. the two are inextricably intertwined - a fact illustrated by the way people gain weight whenever they start a new relationship. well, actually, i've avoided it thus far (i checked the scale last night), but the architect claims to have put on 6lbs. i bake, you see. can't help myself.

ok must work now. forgot my breakfast so had to call the divine ms. u and ask her to pick me up a bagel when she makes her morning timmys stop. i may die in the meantime.

twist within this verbose mystery

ok so there is some very good advice / stuff to think about in the comments below. i shall ponder.

on an entirely different note, last night the architect and i went to the noodle box - a new noodle bar open on 4th avenue. all i can say is NUM. the space is open and modern - really clean lines, with exposed ductwork etc uptop. the lighting is subdued but bright enough that the atmosphere feels clean and crisp - you can see what you are eating and i like that.

i had cambodian jungle curry with tofu - hot & spicy and flavourful and fresh. the architect had malaysian lamb curry - medium spicy but oh so rich and served with crispy roti. just awesome taste and dinner for two for under $25. they don't have their liquor license yet - my only complaint, as the perfect accompaniment to the meal would have been an icy cold beer - but i will be back.

oh especially since suzanne, the manager, gave us a couple of coupons for free dishes.

what comes around goes around

(apologies in advance for the text-heavy post)

i'm a big believer in karma. i believe that, as you go through life dumping negativity into the shopping cart of personal interaction, sooner or later you are going to have to hit the checkout and sometimes sometimes when you hit the teller it's gonna be a little more expensive than you thought.

where's this drawn out poor excuse for a metaphor coming from? well clearly i'm still pissed about my sister. i did an upper arm strength yoga workout last night and so chilled a bit, but all things considered i'm irritated as fuck. a few months ago, i came to terms with the fact that i was going to build a life for myself here in vancouver. like - up until this point what i was doing was sort of an in-between thing. i didn't know where i was going, and didn't know what i wanted to do, but this thing here was only good for right now.

around june, i guess, something flipped in my head. i bought a raincoat (after four years in vancouver i finally bought a rainjacket). i started sorting through my stuff - stuff that's been gathering dust since i dumped it into storage. i started accepting the fact that maybe i should put down some roots and stop waiting for... whatever... to come along. this is it - this is life. grab happiness and run with it, no matter what form it takes.

why the change? no idea. maybe my meds really are working. maybe it was summer and i got lots of vitamin d. maybe it was just... time.

regardless - i started evaluating my relationships with my family. i started feeling like a bit of a second class citizen. the way my sister condescended to me all the time started to wear thin. the disparity in the way my folks treat my siblings and i started becoming obvious. so i started to check out.

i feel as though i've spent five (at least) years just accepting the treatment of others for fear of making them not like me. i've wanted so much to belong that it got to the point that my own hurt feelings or distress didn't matter anymore. and, what's more, in the midst of depression i wasn't entirely sure if it was just me - if i was making it all up in my head. now, though, i am fairly sure that it's not. the tone which my sister used with me yesterday was a perfect example. when i tried to talk to my mom about it later, she took the sister's side without even pausing to consider what i was saying.

at dinner last night i sat with my parents and wanted to say something. i wanted to say that i've been so insecure, that i've wanted so badly for people to just LIKE me, that i forgot what it meant to take care of myself - to like myself. now it feels as though i'm remembering. what i don't know is what the fallout will be - or if i even care anymore.

family tree is burning the rocket's waiting on the lawn

you know, i could not, at this point, get away from my family any fucking faster.

not my dad - he's kind of normal. which, in the grand scheme of things, is fucked up, considering.

my sister just ripped into me 'cause she wants me to have a serious talk with the kiddo about taking jujitsu seriously. i said to her that she can do it, cause her and her boyfriend have set this up. i got the laugh 'oh yeah i forgot - 'cause we are doing something nice for your son' scoff. this, of course, pissed me off. 'that's shit.' i responded. 'don't say crap like that. you and dave set this up - i'm not going to lecture the kiddo on your behalf'.

'oh i LOVE the new yelly you' she says condescendingly as she turns away.

you know, just 'cause i've started NOT backing down everytime someone disagrees with me all of a sudden i'm the problem child. i've spent five years being so insecure that i'd go along with anything just to make people like me. well guess what - i'm fucking not going to anymore and if you don't like it then you can all go to hell. don't fucking try to passive agressively guilt trip me into just going along with whatever it is you figure is right, without taking into consideration me, what i want, or how i feel. it's bullshit. i'm an independent human being and i deserve the consideration of my family and friends.

turn that shit up

i wonder if chad ever found the jalapeno i dropped down the back of his pants? anyone? anyone? bueller?

(that's me showing my age. it's a sad sad state of affairs when half of the people i encounter on a daily basis don't get that joke. le sigh.)

so the architect installed new brake pads for me yesterday. i can now officially stop anytime i want to. this is a good thing 'cause there were a few moments late last week when i was fairly sure i was just gonna keep on keepin' on, if you know what i'm saying. this newfound stopping power came in particularly handy this morning, as cfox has set up on the north end of the tunnel, so everyone is coming to a complete stop to gawk at the spectacle. what - you've never seen a guy with bedhead throwing subway breakfast sandwiches at passing motorists before? sheesh - get out of the suburbs, folks, and get a life. yawhn... simply passe, dahling.

so i now have 'everlong' as my ringtone. i'm fairly excited about this, since i've figured a way to get (cheep ass midi - damn bberry hi-tech lo-tech) ringtones with little fuss and less muss. this is a big deal 'cause my work pays for my crackbaby service and therefore i always have a certain amount of guilt using it for fun things like finding the address for the foggy dew so that i can go drink and other respectable activities as such.

PS - i made the architect vegan cinammon pancakes for breakfast yesterday. i rock.

one week since you looked at me

ok so last night i took the architect to the blogger meetup. he spent the first fifteen minutes we were there trying to not laugh at how nervous i was.

WORLDS COLLIDING, JERRY - WORLDS COLLIDING!

it's all good though. we were sitting in the smoking room chatting with my girlfriend and his response to whether or not he's curious about this blog was more or less a great summary of his character - it's my space and he figures i should get to have it to myself.

ps. i have a hot girlfriend.

i didn't take my camera 'cause it was stop one of three for us and i didn't want to have to worry about losing it at stops two or three, so you'll have to rely on others....though if anyone out there has a photo or two that's not too hideous, please email my way thankeeeee xoxo

daft punk is playing at my house

i have big hair for some reason today. i don't really get it - nothing was done differently (well yesterday i slept in so just pinned it in twists while wet (the hair not me) and ran out the door so it's different from that, i guess) but today? no idea.

i've been at work already for almost 45 min 'cause i'm leaving early today. the architect is doing a mb ride up in the whizz so i'm tagging along for kicks and giggles.

heh wow. just had an energy crash full on... it's almost like taking a downer and having it hit you all at once. sort of cool feeling, really, except that i have to be here for another seven hours or so. yeesh. damn my work ethic which makes me come in early when i want to actually leave early... most of the rest of the people i work with just take off. not to mention the fact that i was here for at least an extra hour yesterday.. oh well. not like it isn't rewarded eventually.

ok so i'm bringing the architect to burquitlam for chad's blogger meetup on saturday. this is a little scary to me - like SERIOUS worlds colliding. he knows that i have this thing, but is not so interested in reading it or knowing where it is - he figures it'd be too much like reading my diary. and, of course, he's right. i worry that in a round about way some of his friends may find it, but i guess as long as they respect the fact that he doesn't *want* to know what's here, then we're all good right? riiiiighhhttttt.....

in other news....

i have no idea what i'm going to do about mikeb. i think he's really going to let this woman ruin our friendship. he spent the entire weekend shooting down absolutely everything i said, hasn't answered the two texts i have sent him since we got back, and in all honesty doesn't seem too interested in being my friend anymore. i told him long ago that for me to accept her (someone who's fucked with his head the ENTIRE time i've known him) is akin to me asking him to accept me spending time with crazy jeremy. he, of course, doesn't agree. but in a sense i'm being proven right even as we speak - one of jeremy's favourite tactics was to alienate the women in his life from their friends and support networks. he was such a good manipulator that he could turn any small comment into an 'us against them' scenario. do i know that is what she's doing? no. it just sure seems like it. i've tried really hard to NOT let my feelings about the relationship colour our interaction. but this is hard when he tells my sister and my boss that they are totally back together and it's creating tension between us, before i even *knew* they were back together. if there's tension, he's been generating it, up to this point. now, though, i'm throwing up my hands in frustration.

the other theory that's been posed by some of my guy friends is that he's kinda jealous of the architect. he's never really known me to to be really happy in a relationship and, now that i am, he doesn't quite know how to deal with it. ahh i don't know about this one - i'm not, in any way, jealous of his relationships with women, so why would he be jealous of mine?

mostly i think i'm just going to sit back and let him figure shit out. if he does, wicked. if he doesn't, well, i guess that's the choice he's making. it doesn't have to be a 'her or me' situation - he just seems to want to turn it into one.

which makes me sad, a little.

nothing for a week then three in a row

it's like multiple orgasms - raspberry flavoured ones of course.

No one came up with a better idea than me, which is shocking.

So, Foggy Dew on Sat, no later than 8 pm... Trust me on that one. I'll be
there at 6 pm.

Friday.

Got a spot picked out in the coat check to sleep over.

If you happen to have a blog (haha, nerd) please start letting people know about this through it.

Chad

you know you wanna.

also

nicest thing that has happened since friday morning:

me to architect, face buried in shoulder: "i like waking up with you"
him to me: "yup it's pretty awesome"

the last of the long weekends

i'm so fucking lazy right now and i hate everything. i've got that suspicious jealous me against the world mentality where i'm convinced that everyone is out to get me and i can't trust anyone. family is cold and standoffish; friends are decidedly disinterested and wish they were elsewhere when in my company; architect is.. well i'm not sure.

the one who is far away is trying to convince me that he is who he says but all signs point to otherwise - a little border town where you can order biscuits and gravy and if they have the stuff to make biscuits and gravy well then dammit you can have biscuits and gravy otherwise you are shit out of luck.

my head's all hunter s. i'm off my meds and had kind of a crappy weekend and i don't know if it really was all my fault or if it's just that the people i'm 'friends and family' with are so used to me being easy going and taking whatever shit they lay out that the minute i stand up for myself they accuse me of ruining everything for everyone and how dare i actually resist what they have to say.

oh fuck look she's growing a backbone.

i'm so fucking lazy right now and i hate everything. i want to run through the aisles destroying shit smashing smashing crushing everyone and everything that comes between me and self immolation. someone put me out of my misery 'cause the slow cooker suicide i've embarked upon ain't coming fast enough.