grey dresses for grey days

so today our department dressed up and didn't tell anyone why. though rumour has it that someone leaked the dish... it was funny to watch people run around trying to guess *why* 15 people who usually take "office casual" seriously to heart were wearing their business best.

i took the opportunity to wear a dress that i don't trot out very often - a sleeveless little fitted grey number with a high neck, and was delighted to see that my new purple cardigan went well over top. not that the loose knit offers much in the way of warmth, but it was a bit of cover, anyway.

but enough of what not to wear... i've found the last couple of days really detrimental to my social skills. i've been in full fledged hibernation mode, for sure. screening my calls, being antisocial on the chat (not with you moxee, dear - i had run off for coffee when you buzzed me), and not really answering my email with due diligence. so, for those of you out there who give a poo, i do apologize. this is my tendency- when things are going not so well, i sometimes withdraw into myself.. not intentionally, but just because i can't imagine myself being good company or even able to hold a conversation. usually i snap out of it in a day or so.. i know that this has been a couple of days know, but i'm still not ready to come out of seclusion. (yes, yes.. bronte again)

it feels really weird to be working in such a big place, now - kind of like the university, but not. at least at the uni, people who worked there lived in a pretty small world - offices, cafeteria, library, classrooms, tim hortons kiosk. at this place the production area seems so remote from our little upstairs world... and the engineering area is like another planet - of course, i don't know any of those people at all. i have this great back stairs shortcut that takes me from upstairs to a little crossroads - one door takes me to shipping, one door takes me to the cafeteria, and one door takes me outside. really i don't have to go anywhere else in the building, if i don't want to. it's great. but i do miss my morning walk route - down through ops to accounting, cutting back out through production and up the stairs... got to say hi to pretty much everyone that way.

i bump into nate with a fair amount of regularity, and i saw nick a couple of times today, too. but i don't really have much contact with those guys any more. i wonder if he still feels like we work together... meh. either way. water under the bridge by now.

tuesday

ok so i almost quit my job yesterday... the stress of everything finally got to me, and when my immediate superior came and yelled at me for something completely minor (as is her tendency) i flipped out and yelled back. normally, i don't do such things, but yesterday i'd just had enough. i understand that personalities will clash in the workplace, but for god's sake no one gets paid enough to be treated with disrespect by your supposed teammates.

but, i do need the paycheque. and, most of the time, i like my job. so i went in today and we talked it out for an hour and smoothed it over. i stood by what happened - i refused to cave on the things i said and the fact that i honestly believe that i was pushed too far. so i feel good about it. i did apologize for losing my temper - that is something i try to not do. but i don't (didn't) apologize for sticking up for myself or my team member.

that said, it was a day of meetings and fire fighting. i'm really glad that i do go in a couple of hours earlier than everyone else, because at least i get something done. the rest of the day was spent in boardrooms and solving crises.

outside my window is a flowering vine that is one of my favourite things about my bedroom - in season, it is covered in little white flowers that i can see while lying in bed. i just looked out at it and noticed the green sprouts beginning in places on the vine. spring is on its way...

no real purpose

here is a link to a seemingly purposeless game. and yet i can't stop playing...

sunny sundaes

so stacylicious just called me to slightly revamp our brunch plans... though i knew that was going to happen. when i left her company last nite at 10pm, she was on her 6th cocktail....

i had a tonne of fun with the 'girls' last nite: sangria and mexican food and dancing at pepitas. but i was ready to come home at 10pm. these past few weeks have been so nuts that i really need to catch up on some rest and 'me' time. i think after brunch i shall go on a long walk or something. that is, actually, what my horoscope for today prescribes. that's the thing i miss most about teaching and/or temping: the days that were your own.... i'd always arrange my temp contracts so that i had a day or two between them to just wander around and drink tea and read my book on patios. and when teaching your schedule is your own to make: you have a few set hours a week, but other than that it's gravy. this whole 7-4 thing is cramping my bronte style...

i wore my new pink sparkly half-sweater out last nite with a white tank top, tight black skirt, white knee socks and mary janes to very good reviews. (lesbians are so flattering, and open about it in a non-creepy way... stacy's friend mo keeps trying to get me to switch teams. don't think i haven't been tempted.) i think it (the sweater that is) was a good find, for sure. the best thing about thrift store shopping is that the stuff you find is not the same as what everyone else has lying around. i do need to go through my closet, though. i know i have at least a drawer full of stuff that i'm forgetting about. that would be the downside of being a shop a holic.

stacylicious

i had tea and a wander on the drive with ms stacy today. it's funny how we can have pretty much no contact for a month and a half and feel as comfortable together as if we had seen each other yesterday.

i was telling her about my feelings of disconnectedness, and the idea i had that maybe i have to learn to be content with what i have and stop looking for *more*. she thinks that is a shit idea - she's so good at calling me on my bullshit. she thinks that you should always look for more - if you feel like there is something missing in your life, there is: even if what is missing is actually hiding inside your soul somewhere. and this is all stuff i know, too. i just keep telling myself that i should give up cause it's to scary to think of the alternatives.

but it's far to beautiful a day to dwell on that sort of stuff right now. i went on a value village adventure this afternoon - got some crazy polyester plaid pants and some old uniform pants with a blue pinstripe and a black uniform shirt for calvin, and a couple of fun things for myself as well. all in all, it was a good day. i love the sunshine...

mmm i'm hungry and don't want to wait till 7pm for dinner... i'm so not patient. we are going to pepitas on english bay for stacy's goodbye dinner, then they are all going dancing, but i shall exclude myself from that, i believe. not quite up to the gay girl bar tonite, fun as it always is. i want to flirt with *boys* today....

you say you want a revelation - revel in this my lover

having just wandered through moxee's muse (my how that does sound dirty) i noticed the similarity in our ennui of late. i feel bad cause this seems to be a theme that i persist in coming back to, but i seriously feel like i'm missing out on something, though; that there is something just beyond my fingertips... so tantalizing... i can't quite see it clearly enough to identify what it is, but i know it's there ("cause tonight.. i feel like more").

what is more, though? a sense of community and companionship? i commented on mox's blog that when you have a physical relationship with someone who is your best friend you reach a level of intimacy that you can't have with your girls, or with your guy friends. conversely, you can't have it with people you are *just* sleeping with. i think that's what i'm missing...

do we spend our entire lives looking for something we will never find? is that the secret of life? you can never find what you are looking for. you will never be content. the trick is to value what you have and make the most of it, with the full knowledge that it's not perfect. people are always yapping on about loving yourself for who you are, and appreciating yourself foibles and all - why do people never say that about our *outer* lives, too?

i'm not suggesting i should settle for something that makes me unhappy. i'm just wondering if maybe, just maybe, i'll never find 'more'.

moving day...

today, as everyone ran around frantically trying to put their office style belongings into the correct receptacle (recycling bin, garbage, or box, depending) i tried to put my finger on the strange feeling in the air. "vacation?" i asked ben. "maybe, but packing up to go home at the end of vacation." he replied.. and then, in a flash, i figured it out - it felt like the last day of school.. that sense of excitement but mild sadness you feel as you clean out your desk and head off into the afternoon... like you are embarking on what should be an adventure, but will most likely not be.

i think most of the rest of the office had it doubly so - they are all 'working from home' tomorrow. we are caught up in an offsite meeting for the day. at least there will be lunch. oh and it doesn't start until 10am, which means that i get to leave my house a full hour and a half later than usual. such luxury...

i'm not even sure what day it is

so work is going a little nutso. we are moving our offices at the end of this week - shifting into a brand new location. i'm really really excited, cause i actually get a window seat: no more having to go stand behind sarah and envying her view... but needless to say everybody's strung so tight that people are snapping left right and centre at each other. i'm just trying to keep my head down and get my work done, without making waves or causing trouble. sometimes easier said than done though.

this afternoon, i actually entertained the notion of looking for a new job. i know that this career path is not where i figured i'd be at my age, but i do enjoy my work, for the most part. but i think that the stress is starting to get to me. i enjoy the money - don't get me wrong - but really, considering how many hours i actually work, i'm probably not making that much. ah well... i'll just stick it out. hopefully once this move is over, and management is more separate from us, the world will run a little smoother.
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i noticed that moxee is back - i was happy to see an update on her blog. i've said it before, but it's really funny when the people you read regularly don't post - you miss them a lot. or i do, anyway.

stacylicious is coming home this weekend for a flying 'goodbye' visit. she's been transferred to tdot. so i probably won't be seeing much of her. not like i have recently anyway - but toronto seems so far away. way farther than calgary. i miss her a bunch, already.

so it should be a fairly full weekend - mossy rocket is doing a show at the arts club theatre on friday, and saturday is stacy's dinner... mmm pepitas for mexican. not that i'm desperate for a cocktail or anything.. but i'm desperate for a friday cocktail and it's only.. shit i know this .. wednesday. that's it.

"it's hella sensitive"

why have i never purchased a cd doctor before? i came in the door and immediately repaired two of my cds as well as the perfect circle cd loaned to me by mmmmnickmmmm this afternoon (it was skipping on my drive home and making me batty)

yes, i did say nick. well, honestly, i never made any secret about totally crushing on him. and since i was off for donairs today, i went downstairs to see if he wanted one (like i always do).. then when i brought it back he was bellysurfing on one of the loading dollies.. just totally goofing around and being a kid. which i'm such a sucker for. i really do prefer boys II men. i'm such a geek though.. i always get flustered and blush... must find self a distraction. perhaps self should adopt a cat or six.

further chapter to the saga of dylan, the world's most high maintenace booty call: he actually called me monday night and bitched me out. the sum of his problem with me is that he is aware that he has issues with dating stupid women 'cause it's easy (his words, not mine) and i was reminding him of that by telling him not to worry about me cause no pressure i was happy just being friends if that's all he has to offer. yes, i know, it makes no sense to me either. so he succeeded in making me feel crappy (twice in one week! not bad for someone i have only made out with a few times).

i was relating this story to bun over our 'first thing in the morning' coffee yesterday morning. his response was "you end up dating the wierdest guys". it's true. i do. guilty as charged. no normal men here. please, only freaks and weirdos need apply.

despite your destination

yesterday when i was in the used book store, i saw a copy of the church cd with "under the milky way" on it and almost bought it. it's on the donnie darko soundtrack as well. so today when we watched the movie, i was reminded of how, when i was like 14 years old, that song made me feel the way that digital bath does now. actually it still does a little...

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty
Sound of their breath fades with the light
I think about the loveless fascination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Lower the curtain down on Memphis
Lower the curtain down all right
I got no time for private consultation
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

And it's something quite peculiar
Something shimmering and white
Leads you here despite your destination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

Under the Milky way tonight...

i remember sitting in my room in the dark listening to that song over and over again.. i had the 45. i have vivid memories of sitting by the open window, on my bed, listening to the words and wishing i'd written them. same sense of sadness and aloneness, longing and yet hope... funny how some feelings never escape you. or you never escape them. hmm having another bronte moment.

i know that i isolate myself. i always have - i don't know what it is inside me that makes me do it though... what it is in my head that drives me away from the people that are good for me and to the people that are bad. i wish i knew what it was i'm looking for.

sleepy

i was perusing the black table webpage and came across a link to a page set up by a man named bill miller. he has posted this site as a way of finding someone willing to marry him and start a family. particularly disturbing were the 'erotic' photos. yes i did look. shut up.

i, i am sort of embarrassed to say, spent the entire day curled up watching dvds wth mike b. neither one of us had the energy to do anything except lie there and stare at the tv. i got to introduce him to a few of my faves, as neither one of us had the energy to go *rent* anything either. but we watched the sweetest thing, donnie darko, and so i married an axe murderer. i will admit to dozing briefly, but heck - i've had a rough week. i'm entitled.

sunday mornings

hello gentle readers and good morning to you... yes, that's right, all three of you..
first of all, for mike b:

though really, it's all for me...
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i just beeped mike b's phone - i realize that it's only 8.15am, and that he probably didn't get much sleep, but i did it anyway. such a brat i am.

why is it, you ask, that he may not have had much sleep? Well, let me tell you.

yesterday, of course, was valentine's day. i do have a certain amount of trepidation about holidays, usually, stemming from three years of bad ones courtesy of psychojeremy. the valentines curse was broken last year by monte - i think i mentioned it a few posts ago - but still i was a little worried.

all for naught, though. i had a great day. mike b and i went for brunch, then i made him take me to dig in the $5 bins at front (only found a little halter top this week. i think it's time for them to restock) then we went and looked at used books & cds (OOO a nancy drew book and a tears for fears greatest hits and a john sandford novel i don't think i've read yet!) then we rented a dvd and came back to mine.

we actually watched 13 - another oscar contender, i believe, but not necessarily the best choice for me - i spent half the film curled up in traumatized little ball, much to mike's distress. well done film, but topically.. i probably should have given it a miss. so i almost spent the evening at home reading nancy drew.

however, i sucked it up and went for martinis with moxee and mike b. and am so glad that i did. we started out the evening at honey in the deep red velvet chairs, then moved to wild rice, then on to a house party (more on that later). i did drink quite a lot - should not really try to keep up with people who have at least 7 inches on me. however a good time was had by all - i think i worried moxee though... had a sicky food thing. people who have spent a lot of time with me know that sometimes i have problems - as soon as i get rid of it i'm ok. megs can always tell when it's a) going to happen or b) has just happened. she says i get a funny look in my eyes.... ah well. i just left moxeelicious impressed with my ability to hurl and rally rather than try to explain it all.... mind you, i guess i just did.

so on to the house party - i called dylan to see if he wanted to join us for cocktails, but he was going to the party he had mentioned to me earlier in the week and asked if we wanted to go there. i asked him if he was ok with me being there... and he said ya. so we headed off - it was a total valentines costume thing... (moxee actually stole a foil wrapped cowboy hat off his head. somehow i ended up with it. i shall have to return it eventually i guess). i ended up having a wierd conversation with him. i noticed that when i came in he looked totally freaked out. i know he's having some relationship issues, so i sat him down and basically tried to tell him that he didn't have to worry about me. it was a party and i didn't want him to not have a good time or be uncomfortable cause i was there. he went off on a tangent about being in love with a woman he can't have and how he feels totally pressured... i tried to explain to him that i was just trying to be his friend - i can see him telling himself the things that i tell myself all the time. i don't really care if we ever shag again... but he was freaked out. anyway, it was a really odd conversation to get into and it left me in kind of a weird place. but then, it's just been that kind of week for me. i'll call him in a few days to get him his hat back, but i think that he's someone for me to just stay away from...

Anyhoo... the flirty stuff between mike & mox & me continued all evening. mox & i gave mike a couple of moments by having some kisses in the restaurant... but they went on to do more. it was building all nite, and was totally fun for me to watch.

but mike's on his way to pick me up for breakfast.. so i best wash my face and brush my hair, for fear of scaring the life out of him..

happy valentines day...

yes i know i'm an hour or two early. i just wanted it to be there when you got up.

thursday next

so i can honestly say that this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. but at the same time, it's been really amazing the way that the people in my life have reached out to me. so, for what it's worth, thank you all.
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so i'm supposed to go out with the yuppie again tomorrow night. i'm not sure how this has come about - i had an ok time while out with him, but at the same time it wasn't great. and all i really want to do at the end of this week is go out and get drunk. but not even drunk - beyond drunk. i want to get smashed; wasted. i want to make out with a stranger at the bar then leave him waiting by the dancefloor while i go to "the bathroom" and just never go back; i want to toilet paper trees and run down the street laughing my ass off; i want to wear a short skirt tight shirt feel like a woman - in short, i want to have a manic episode to go with my depressive week. is that a healthy desire?
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i was indulging my geek culture last night by watching a show on shakespeare, and was delighted to discover that, right afterwards, they were showing the first part in a series about the medici. it was fascinating, if slightly lo-ball. this part was discussing their rise to power and the way that they brokered power by investing in people who were on they way up in Florence society, rather than sticking to the usual ways of thinking. mind you, i missed the last 20 minutes - could not for the life of me stay awake no matter how hard i tried. result of a bad week, but i was quite disappointed. it's really quite amazing how, once your body decides it's going down, it's done.
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in another interesting turn of events, dylan called me last nite. he apologized for not keeping in touch with me, and for basically being a guy. he said that his personal life has been confusing and he felt bad. i pointed out that i hadn't called him either... but he still felt like he owed me something. i told him that i hadn't expected anything of him. i'd hate for him to feel like we can't be friends just because we've made out a few times. i'm pretty laid back, and i am a good friend. that's the important thing, as far as i'm concerned. i told him that if we ended up being more than friends, that might be fun, but i'm not too worried about it. he figured that he puts too much pressure on himself when it comes to women - wants to be everything for them all the time, then feels bad when he can't, so just avoids the situation entirely. which makes sense, to a certain extent. but at the same time is so frustratingly *male*.

for moxee and her bestial muse

"Reputation, reputation, reputation!
       O! I have lost my reputation.
       I have lost the immortal part of myself,
       and what remains is bestial".

              (from othello)

flang

i'd like to speak in the language of flowers

thank you

calvin

have i ever told you about my kid? i have this guy i live with - i know every mother says stuff like this, but honestly, he's amazing. he's so smart, and so caring, and so good at everything he tries. when earlier on i said that reading his poetry makes me feel ashamed i wasn't kidding. this is a kid who, at 14, was asked to be in the grade 12 creative writing class, cause that's how good he is. he has the fastest time ever in bc for the 14 year old boys 300m hurdles. the very first time he ever tried that race, he broke the meet record. when he was 13, he went to the provincial track and field championships and won 5 gold medals. this is a kid who hates to ask for stuff, cause for so long we were dead broke and i just couldn't afford to buy anything. you can see the look of dread on his face when he has to ask for money or anything.

the only thing is that my kid also has the same problems i do. no matter how good he does, he can't see it in himself. he sees himself as this loser who can't do anything right - he just wants to fit in and be liked cause he has such a big heart and has so much to give people. he's too caring and too sensitive. he's so much like me that it scares the hell out of me cause i know how it feels.

he's been having more and more trouble coping at school. the other day, a computer lab superviser noticed him doing an online suicide assessment, and paid attention long enought to notice that he scored high. he's been cutting his arms and experimenting with drugs. i don't know what it is that he needs that i can't give him.

maybe this is just a phase. maybe it's just something that lots of kids go through and he'll snap out of it and then we'll all look back on this year as his funny 'goth' phase and make fun of him for it.

but today one of the kids in his grade 12 class found him passed out in a pathway by the school. he'd drank a bottle of vodka because he was upset with himself for something or another. this kid picked him up and carried him home, then went and got his mother who's a nurse and came back and sat with him while he puked.

i'm so afraid that he's looking all over the world for something that he'll never find cause it actually lives within himself, but he's too hard on himself to actually see it. i'm so afraid that he'll have to go through the same stuff that i've gone through, but he won't be able to get pregnant and have that save him.

i go in and look at him sleeping and think of him as my little kid. but he's not anymore. he's 14 and he thinks at a level that's already way beyond me. all i can do is try and show him that i know what he's going through and that i love him and try to be here when he needs me. but is that going to be enough?

i am optimus prime

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

it says: "Vast, red and ready to turn into a lorry at the slightest provocation, you are a robot to be reckoned with. Although sickeningly noble, you just can't resist a good interplanetary war, especially when Orson Welles is involved. You have friends who can shoot tapes from their chests. Tapes that turn into panthers. And other friends who are dinosaurs. Dinosaurs who jump out of planes. Will you have my children?"

yes, yes i will.

more song lyrics

i think the only person who 'gets' what the lyrics to digital bath do to me is rori.
i can fall in and out of love between the beginning and the end of the song. it makes me feel so hopeful and so alone all at the same time. have i written about this before? i have the lyrics printed off on a piece of paper by my desk - sometimes i look at them and they make me want to cry, but sometimes i look at them and they make me feel exactly the opposite.

you move like I want to
to see like your eyes do
we are downstairs where
no one can see
new life break away
tonight I feel like more
tonight I
you make the water warm
you taste foreign
and I know you can see
the cord break away
cause tonight I feel like more
tonight I feel like more
tonight I feel
feel like more
you breathed
then you stopped
I breathed then dried you off
and tonight
I feel like more
tonight

i can put myself in the song. i can see myself in that room, feeling those things, invoking those feelings in someone else. i lose myself in words so easily.. that summer i almost lost it all i read three novels a day... i let the words wash over me... i put myself in the feelings of the people in the books, in the poems, in the songs. it's like a drug. the sensations are real, but so artificial. even now i read and read and read and lose myself in the characters and the settings and the stories...