look at me raspb'y christmas-shopper!

i don't think i've ever, in my entire life, been this far ahead of the consumer game. i have something for both my brother and sister. i bought a lovely sweater for my mama today, and have the kiddo's gifts almost all purchased. i am short prezzies only for my dad (the worst of the lot, truth be told), my sister's boyfriend, mike b, and lemon and lime.

how organized am i?!? nothing like altruistic retail therapy. ok in all honest, i bought myself a black cashmere/angora blend vneck sweater today, too. sue me :-)

anonymous II

so i don't generally allow anonymous commenting. i figure, if you've got something worth saying, you should at least allow people a way to respond to you on a personal level - especially since everything on this blog is 'on a personal level' for me, right?

but i do go in and look at the blocked comments on occasion. today, i noticed two worth responding to, so here they are:

1) I told you not to do it, and you got mad because the message was sent anonymously. You interfered in a marriage, and I think that is wrong. But more importantly at this point, you are being strung along and your feelings are being disrespected and dragged through the mud. DON'T DO IT. Not because of some high moralistic position on someone else's marriage, but because you deserve more and better.

Be *good* and be *true* to yourself; I just don't think the choices you have been making are either right now.

2) It doesn't matter if it was anonymous or not. People only want to hear or read what suits them.

Really, look over all of your previous posts and step out of yourself when you read them. Can you not see what's going on? This is not a movie, not a sit com. This is your life, and you only have one go at it. Plus, what kind of model are you for the young person in your life? Do you think that this is teaching him a positive view of women? Is it teaching him to respect women? To respect their strength and give them his best?

The people who comment and say nothing except sweet supportive bullshit are not your friends. Your friends love and support you, but give you truth. And because you are their friend too, you trust what they say and know that it's in the spirit of love.

Start thinking with your freaking head.

so i'm not going to unblock these two. however, i will respond thusly: you may notice that my friends give me sweetness and support. this is not bullshit - this, too, is truth. as an anonymous party you are privy to only a snapshot of my life. you see only the bits of pieces of information which i choose to write about. you don't see or have access to the parts of my history which make me vulnerable to these sorts of situations. you don't know that i have very little self esteem, and that i get completely caught up in keeping the other people in my life happy, but have very few tools for doing these things for myself. you probably have no idea that you can get me to do pretty much anything in the world you want me to simply by coming to me and telling me you need my help. also, there is a great deal that goes on that i *don't* write about. my friends do know these things, and so when you see sweetness and support it is coming from a knowledge of the larger story. know, too, that they tell me the hard things to my face - which is as it should be.

furthermore, the 'young person' in my life has no idea. i keep my private life very private. as far as he's concerned, we're friends, and nothing more. he's never seen any other side of it, or any inappropriate behaviour. for god's sake - this child has seen me tipsy exactly once. he's spent his life surrounded by beautiful, strong, educated women. respecting them is NOT an issue.

there. i've given you your forum. i'm not interested in only hearing the shiny happy bits. it's just my journal and i get to say who does and doesn't speak here.

i stole this from maktaaq

"If there is someone on your friends list who you would either like to tie down and have your way with, teasing them mercilessly and making them beg for release, or have them tie YOU down, post this exact same sentence in your journal."

back on the bus

symbolic for that cross country matrix
       shift.
point a to point be amid the unwashed
thrift of humanity.

ken kesey took us fuuuurther. i am
       doomed       to       ride
the number 10 round and round the block
unable to shake
myself
from the stasis which is this
rainy winter day.

i no longer wish to be part of your feedback loop.

yet

yet

      you
            continuously
                  rewind
the spools of film to watch the
same
sequence
unfurl
between the
bang! flash! pop! of

heat
and
sex
and
argument.

plot synopsis

ok so i think the best way of summing up this weekend is through the words of the actual participants. please note that these are not actors - these are real people speaking real words.

• "Vive la Beav!"
  
• "What happens in Whistler, stays in Vegas."
  
• "Oh man, my face hurts from laughing!"
  
• "Scruuuuunch!"
  
• "Nono! It's not just a vest, it's an ensemble
  
• "God Bless Whistler!"
  

i am not a consolation prize.

that's all.

working hard or hardly working?

would you believe that three different people have asked me that question today? just because i have the music cranked and am sitting here in my sweats doesn't mean that i ain't tussling with a spreadsheet. that's right. i said tussling. whatcha gonna do about it?

speaking of working hard, this is my horoscope for today:

Although you appear as if you're mulling your options to the rest of the world, events are bending themselves to your wishes. Hope and desire are tangible forces after all. If romance hijacks your life for a little while -- well, whoopee! You deserve this. Turn off the ringer and stop checking your email every five minutes. An uninterrupted night of relaxation should be the only thing on your mind right now.

that's not bad, huh? especially since i have a potential evening with the porn star (he had plans already but was going to see if he could juggle. i like a man who can juggle).

random thought: do you think that tim armstrong's grandkids will understand how monumentally cool he was? or david bowie's? or eminem's? or will they just be a potty old grandparent driven to early senility by years of hard living? odd thing to think about, i guess, but i've been contemplating both of my grandfathers today. when you hear the stories of your grandparents' youth, what do you think? did you have the opportunity to know their stories? or did you, in the arrogance of youth, think that it was not that important, or that you had all the time in the world?

a date with captain average

ok so i didn't go. so what. sue me.

i was up late last night talking to the porn star and to the new one (the porn star being the surfer boy from last weekend - this name seems more fitting considering his.... erm.... fittings, if you know what i'm saying). the new one has a great voice. captain average is nice but, well, average. decisions, decisions....

i told mr. m today that i was going to do everything in my power to ensure that we didn't end up "together" again. basically, i said to come back when he has the papers in hand. if that's never, then it's never - so be it, but this back and forth thing is killing me. sooooo... we can be friends, but seriously, that's it. he cried, i cried. a good time was had by all. this conversation precipitated a phone call in which he told me that he is consumed by thoughts of me; that he has never, ever felt the physical connection that he and i have with another woman; that he has never had the intellectual relationship that he and i share with another woman, including his wife. he told me that he can't stop thinking about the amazing time we have spent together, and that he doesn't know if he will ever get over me. i didn't really need to hear that, since i'm trying to be strong and stick to my resolve.

bleh.

after movie thinkin'

so mikeb and i (along with a friend of his) went to see alfie last night, then for drinks and a bite to eat after. i really liked it - i like jude law (mmmmm jude law) and i loved the way that the costume designer integrated the look and feel of the original film through the clothing and makeup of the characters, particularly the female characters. it was stylish and well put together.

the mood of the group, however, was quiet after the film - mike b found it depressing cause there were no answers - it's just a snapshot of his life and, at the end, he continues on. there's no resolution - it doesn't show you that he ends up in love with a beautiful woman and wonderful friends. and, to an extent, i can really relate to this. i fully embrace the idea that i'm single, and free, and answer to no one. but, at the end of the day, will i be going home alone to my studio apartment and have no one to spend christmas with? i've spent some serious time thinking about this stuff.. i really miss the companionship and connection you get when you are in a relationship. you can have it, to a certain extent, with your closest friends - and there are levels of intimacy that you reach with your friends that you may not reach with your boy/girlfriend - but there's a deeper connection when you add the sexual contact - when you bond yourselves physically as well as emotionally. and i miss having that bond, the easy physical contact. and, let's not kid, i really really like sex. everything about sex - especially when it's of the 'often' and 'good' variety.

where am i going with this post? nowhere i guess. the film jus got me thinking. i like the idea of going home to someone. i like the idea of being out dancing with my girls and struggling home to crawl into bed to someone who's been waiting for me to do just that. bleh. weird - i'm lonely and yet i'm not. i'm feeling disconnected, but last weekend, when i was visiting with lemon and lime, i felt totally at home. i get that sense of belonging with my friends - maybe it's just the sex i miss.

red raspberry

i love new hair. makes me feel so chipper. of course, it also makes me want to find boys to ravage. mmm ravage. good word.

lemon sent me some saucy photos of last weeks party. there are several of me, and i'm delighted to say that neither my boobs nor my tongue are hanging out in any of them. so i can assume that i was drunk, but not *that* drunk, even if i did make out with the surfer boy in the hot tub. mmm surfer boy... mmm ravage...

i called him the other day... should i have done so? lime says that boys are dumb and either they lose phone numbers or they think that we don't really want them to call. so i called. now really i should wait for him to call me, but i'm not very patient. hang on, i'll consult the runes... just a sec, won't be a mo...

Fehu Possessions / Nourishment The Common Wealth
This is the Rune of realization: an ambition satisfied, a love conquered, a reward received. It often signals the presence of abundant nourishment of all kinds, physical as well as spiritual.

Nevertheless, it reminds you that in moments of good fortune we run the risk of getting carried away by success, thus behaving imprudently. Fehu advises you to be aware of this so as to not let it happen.

Enjoy your good fortune and don't forget to share it: the good will of feeding others is a sign of a well-fed being.

what the f**k does that mean? hmph. should i call? should i not call? damn these internet fortune telling devices and their mysterious ways....

he said / she said

recent conversation:

she: "did you tell her that we've been together since the last time you promised never again"
he: "no"
she: "you know you are going to have to tell her. she deserves to know that you aren't keeping your promises, and you don't want her to find out by accident"
he: "i know. it's keeping me up at night. if i tell her i did it again, that's it. i'm out. she won't forgive me. twice was enough - three times is you're out."
she (snaps head around quizzically): "seriously? she won't go through with it"
he: "no, this time i think she will"
she (quiet for a few minutes, watching the river): "and you knew this before we were together again?"
he: "yup."
she: "so why did you do it then? if you knew that she would not take it anymore, that you'd reached the limits of her tolerance?"
he: "i don't know. i just can't resist you. not that way. i'm so attracted to you."
she (bursts out): "that's so not fair! that puts all the onus on me! this isn't my fault!"
he: "i know. i just..." (touches her face) "i really care about you." (leans in for a kiss)

todae's horoscope:

"No matter how hard you try to push them out of your life, some things just won't go away. The thing that you hoped most to forget is back in your face again. You have no other choice at the moment -- you must accept and integrate the person who has reappeared in your life. The current circumstances are quick to remind you that until now, you've had it your way for a long time. It's important for you to remember that reaching a compromise isn't the same thing as giving up."

ARRRRGGGGGGG

hee hee hee

i called the surfer boy. talked for an hour. hee hee.
i'm such a geek. the lime got me the number. i called it. he answered. an 'operation' rematch is in the works. i asked "were you letting me win in an effort to seduce me?" his response: "fuck no! if i could have won i'd have kicked your ass in a heartbeat!" at least he's honest lol.

the apocolypse may very well be nigh

i heard on the radio this morning that anne geddes and celine dion have collaborated on an album. be afraid.

an letter to america (apologies to newly and another drink)

BUCK FUSH


clear enough, kids?

here's the answer:

the rune i pulled today was perth (initiation, secret affairs)..

This Rune is associated with the Phoenix, the mystical bird that consumes itself in the fire to later rise from its own ashes. Powerful forces of change and renovation are in movement.

On the side of the mundane, there will probably be surprises such as sudden gains or the start of an unexpected relationship. On the spiritual side, it is time to rise above yourself, above ordinary living, in order to acquire a wider vision. Perth reminds you that the external is unimportant, except when it is a reflection of the internal.

so what was the question?

kind of like playing doctor, but different

first off, i have to say thank you thank you to the denizens of chez citrus for having me to stay this weekend. i had an amazing time - the company was superlative, the environment welcoming and cozy as always, and the party was fun fun fun.

i spent a good chunk of the evening playing operation with the surfer boy. see, the lime decided to turn this into a drinking game - every time you tried to get one of the bones out and missed, you had to take a drink. now, i kicked his ass like 5 times in a row (well, four, but i gave him one as a pity win). after a while, neither one of us were drinking, it was just about getting the damn things out of the body, you know? my bloodpressure skyrocketed - every time the thing buzzed i about jumped out of my skin. surfer boy joked at one point 'you don't even like this game - you are just using it as an excuse to lean on my so you can seduce me'. to which i responded "dude, if i was trying to seduce you i would have let you win by now". mind you, in retrospect.. maybe he was letting me win?

the costumes were all fabulous - mike b as the slutty girl guide and miss l. as the slutty brownie; there was a little red riding hood with a fur trimmed cape that i coveted, the hip hop chiquita and her illfated rocker love and, of course, me in my little devil outfit with my sparkly pink horns. which, i am proud to say, i managed to avoid losing over the course of the evening. how cool is that?

it has been a good weekend for my 'attractiveness to the opposite sex' meter - the date on thursday, surfer boy last night, and, on friday, the cute boy from the wrong part of town who tried to get me to go home with him ("you live where?" "(**insert name of mystery suburb here**)" "um, i think i'm just gonna go home thanx")... all i can say is... mr who?

spoooooookkkyyyy

yay! i'm off, the lime is off and it's oh so the friday before hallowe'en... tonight i'm heading over to lemon's to help decorate and drink wine and chat up a storm, and tomorrow shall be brunch and the big party and and and.. who knows?

i'm addicted to various on line future predictor sort of toys- you know, horoscopes, tarot readings, things like that. recently i've discovered a 'rune a day' sort of thing, so check it whenever i have a question rolling around in my head. ok i'm going to give this previous statement a caveat, so you don't think that mr. m has finally thrown me off the edge mentally - i don't think these things will tell me my future, or give me the answers to life's questions. however they are an interesting way to focus your thoughts - they give you an avenue to explore mentally when you are having trouble 'cause your brain is all swirly.

so anyhooo... this all comes up cause i had a date last night (more on that later). i have been quite reluctant to date in the last couple of months, cause i've been so conflicted over mr. m - i don't think it's fair to myself or to my potential man-of-the-hour. but last night i went out. and had an ok time, but found my thoughts getting tangled up in mr. m - feeling sort of guilty, stuff like that. then he called me this morning to say hi, expanding those feelings. when i hung up the phone, i did the focus on the question exercise and hit the button. this was the result:

Fortune smiles, and nice surprises will arrive unexpectedly. Something positive is on its way, something that is totally deserved. You will probably receive awards, maybe a promotion, an acknowledgement or a gift. There is hope and joy. There are fulfilled promises and dreams come true. There is grace and forgiveness.

Maybe some type of partnership is about to be born. If this is the case, Gebo reminds you to keep your individuality: remember that true partnership occurs when two beings form a team, each one retaining their own singularity.

what does this remind me of? well, that the important thing is that i'm about to spend a weekend with three of my favourite people in the world. that something new and fun is *always* just around the corner. that who i really want is someone as strong in their convictions and sense of self as i am, who can form a killer-kick-ass-people-taking on the world team with me and my friends, and that if you can't fit in, then you should just step aside.

and then, as i was sipping my coffee, i came across a great article in the newspaper about a canadian thinker that i have worked with, and like and respect and think the world of. he studies quality of life issues, but focuses his research on what makes people happy. the article closed with this great quotation, about how he thinks that, in the end, happiness depends on your perception. He said "Two people can look at a sunset. One person can see the sun going down, and the other person can see something beautiful happening. I've tried to look for the beauty".

now, if i was to believe in such things, i'd say that i've had some pretty significant guidance today. and it's not even 9am. who knows what the weekend will bring?

perplexed

questions i have heard in the last week:

Q:

"if we don't kiss it doesn't really count as sex, right? i won't really be fucking you, will i?"

A:

no, of course not. it just means that you are pretending you are with a PROSTITUTE. but putting your penis in me doesn't count as sex, so you can go home and kiss your wife and pretend like it's all ok. no worries.

Q:

"what happens if we meet and we only want to have sex?"

A:

what happens if we meet and we don't want to have sex? or, more likely, if you want to have sex with me, but i would rather see newly's elderly cleaning lady naked than you? then what, huh?

*shakes head in bewilderment*. tch. men.

i mean it

ok seriously folks. i need a distraction. send me a boy - a handsome, smart, and not too fucked up man to while away my time with. cause i gotta tell you, this seeing mr. m every day and pretending like everything is slap-happy is soul destroying. *seriously*.

if you are a boy or you know a boy who fits those categories (and yes i KNOW mike b fits those categories. he's off limits) please ask him to email me post haste. i'm cute, smart, funny, a great cook, and i give a really good... never mind. forget it. i'm off to the spca to adopt a cat or twelve.