sleeping for the wrong team

well helloooooo weekend, and where have you been all my life? silly raspberry, i've been here as usually, nestled between thursday night and sunday night ('cause we all know the weekend actually sort of kind of begins as soon as work is done on thursday evening).

i tried to bully him into saying it last night. he refused to talk about it - said it was stressing him out and hung up. stressing him out? sweet mother of all that is holy the self centeredness of this human being boggles my mind. boggles, i say.

you'll notice that i've once again abandoned capitization (capitolism?) in favour of the willynilly disregard for grammatical conventions and niceties. sorry nk - it's just not *me*.

i'm trying to decide whether or not to go down to the granville room tonight to meet up with ciavarro et al. i'm not going to see the matt good concert - is it bad form to attend a preparty for a party you are not planning on hitting?

tomorrow i'm going shopping with my mama and the sister. that'll fix me up tout-suite. nothing like blatant consumerism to heal a broken heart, i say. well having a fucking hot stranger pick you up, take you home and curl your toes is a thousand times better, but i'm swearing off men for a while, i think.

unless, of course, dean calls. then all bets are off and i'll be in the back of that car, skirt pulled up around my waist, panties hanging off the rearview faster than you can say 'ride me baby'.

warning - pity part to commence in tminus seventeen seconds.

In 1915, The National Council of Teachers of English established the first week in November as Better-Speech Week. I'm not sure why this tickles my fancy, but it does. In honour of this, I shall construct one of my rare blog entries which actually conform to most of the laws of grammar - most especially capitalization.

I'm quite incapable of lucid thought today. I'm trapped in a werewolf forest constructed by my own ennui. The trees are falling and the only one who is around to hear them is me, but I'm tired of being a witness to the systematic destruction of my own faith in love and relationships and happiness. I need to call TNB and ask him to just get it over with - just say the sentence which is, inevitably, a variation of "You are the best person I know and I don't want to lose you in my life, but because of [insert random reason here] I don't think we can see each other anymore".

Do you know how many times I've heard that sentence? I'm wondering if I should try to be *less* of a better person - maybe be a bit more of a Judge Judy-style harpy. Would that be more appealing to the opposite sex? I seem to attract men who are at a crossroads in their lives. They meet me and have a lovely time - have their faith in women restored - then move on to the next one. I can't seem to shake the roll of the cool chick you shag for a while then keep around 'cause she's such a great buddy. Maybe if I were more of a selfish beeyatch guys would take me seriously and stick around.

See - you all think I'm kidding when I talk about my bright future surrounded by my cats and discarded tv-dinner trays, but I'm really quite serious. I'm losing my energy and my desire to even try anymore. 'Cause really, what's the point? It always ends with the same sentence. The only variable is how well I can pretend like it doesn't matter to me - wouldn't want to blow the charade, you know, but sometimes it's harder than others. Only you know how it takes little pieces away from my soul, how it steals the sparkle from my eyes. Only you can see the how my shadow is growing in the midday sunshine. The werewolves are circling, circling, and I'm just lying here waiting.

random confession #624

i'm fully addicted to the tv show supernatural.

*pauses for groaning/vomitting/protests to cease*

yes i know that the writing is atrocious.

yes i know that the acting is wooden, at best.

but my god the dean guy is an emotionally unavailable muscle car drivin' leather wearin' bad boy and he makes my heart go pit-a-pat. like, i know that he's somewhere here in vancouver filming this dogfoodfest and i want to find him and get him to bend me over the back seat of that car, stereo blasting eighties metal, and hold on for dear life.

it's this bad: my name is earl, starring former top five-er jason lee, is on at the same time. it's, from all reports, a work of comic genius. i can't make myself watch it. i've tried. i've even enjoyed it for the time it was playing. but still i find myself drawn, nay, compelled back to supernatural.

i just can't help myself.

sister don't reduce yourself

tnb's off on an emotional bender he's in a bad way he's acting like a thirteen year old girl slave to her hormones caught on the tumult rollercoaster of estrogen and breasts and bobby from fourth period math class.

that is, i haven't seen him in over a week 'cause he's "in a bad way" and he's doing the thing where he says he's going to call me back and doesn't and he's out getting drunk with his buddies every night and i get seven minutes of conversation a day and he warned me that he's moody so really i can't complain, can i?

fuck that.

he needs to shake his head and realize that i'm the star of this show, and he's just the romantic interest.

i beat the shit out of myself wondering what i've done wrong. you can't tell me that it's not me it's him 'cause i'm a bit ocd and that means everything including my relationships and if there's something wrong it must be my fault and how can i reorganize to make it all line up in perfect little rows?

this is the point where i look into the camera and have one of those little monologues where i address the audience about how i feel, and all the men fall in love with me and some of the women too (the rest wish they knew where to get my snappy pink jacket and what hair products i use to get such a shine) and everybody's shaking their head thinking 'why doesn't she just smarten up? there's that other handsome man who thinks the world of her she should just head on over to his place and make crepes and drink expresso and talk about music and literature and maybe have a heated philosophical argument which can only be resolved in a hot sweaty body slapping beneath the blankets fashion?'

well, cause that's hollywood and this is the real world and in the real world there is no other handsome man.

at least for now.

*********************************************************************
9fourteen a.m. update -

i just received an email with the following subject line:

"jesus invites you to join myspace".

that's gotta be a sign.

he's ba-aack

yay! german's back!

fall back day

they're talking about changing our time. they're talking about doing away with fall back. they're talking about eliminating daylight savings, to be more like the freakin' americans. it'll be too confusing, they say. we don't really need it anymore - electricity and all that. outdated ideas. i say, fuck that shit. it's magic, that hour, when you roll your clock from two to one and give yourself sixty minutes that didn't exist before. everybody always says "i wish there were more hours in the day - i wish i had just one more hour". here's your hour. here's your wish come true. savour it - getting your wishes doesn't happen very often (ever).

but only tony pierce could turn it into the world's smoothest dance move.

last night we got dressed up and went out to see some bands at a dirty dirty club downtown. why do people use hallowe'en as an excuse to get so loaded that they puke all over tables at clubs before midnight BEFORE midnight? is it the mask? is it the costume that gives you the superhero sense that you are not accountable for anything you do? it's like the anonymity of mob mentality wrapped up in a single serve package - you have all sorts of idiots acting like individual idiots rather than one big idiot. give me the mob, i say. at least you can see a mob from down the street, all torches and pitchforks looking for a monster to stake, maybe cross over and safely stay out of the way. individual idiots are harder to spot.

and then they mate - grind each other on the dance floor, eyes heavy lidded barely concious his leg between hers rubbing against the seam of her jeans. (you know that doesn't feel very good, guys, why do you always do it?). they go home and fumble about with the condom and maybe don't put it on right and hopefully she's on the pill or else you don't just have two idiots all of a sudden you've got three, and maybe a scorching case of herpes.

happy hallowe'en baby. it's the gift that keeps on giving.

a guy dressed like a mexican cowboy walked past and raised his arm in a salute. i smiled. he walked back the other way - made eye contact and did it again. so i responded in kind, prompting him to come over and ask us to scratch his moustache.

now there's the best line i've heard all week.

i was giggling too hard to be of any use but the sister obliged. he chatted with us briefly about the perils of stick on facial hair and the scent of the evening, then thanked us graciously and took his leave, saying as he went "you two are both very pretty." he was the nicest person in vancouver, last night, and i hope that his evening brought him whatever happiness he sought.

bandwagon

so i've resisted the whole rubber band bracelet trend, thus far. thus far, i say, because today in the mail i received a glow-in-the-dark hershey's chocolate one. now *there*'s a cause i can get behind - let's not kid.

i'm also resisting the urge to wash a tablet down with my sleepy time tea. why am i resisting, you ask? well because i keep telling myself that not sleeping through the night isn't *really* doing me any damage - physiological or psychological. never mind the fact that i couldn't go to work yesterday, but didn't sleep at all during the day, or the fact that i puked up my lunch today and was (am) running a total fever. never mind the fact that i'm so exhausted that my arms hurt.

tnb is off for the weekend partying with his buddies. i wish he'd invite me, once in a while. things are ok though, i think. i asked him last night if he was avoiding me, if i'd done something wrong. he replied that he warned me that he was moody - that he's just having a bad week. that i couldn't possibly ever do anything wrong - it's not in me (says him)(fat lot he knows). i know that he has these times. it doesn't mean that it feels any better when they happen. ah well - whatever.

my weekend should be fun, though. i'm going shopping and lunching with my sister (yay! sister!) and getting dressed up for hallowe'en live music fun tomorrow night. that is, if i can get my ass out of this bed. i love lying here in the dark with quiet music playing, listening to the cars swoosh past on the wet road outside. i think that i understand tnb's tendency to isolate himself from people he's emotionally vulnerable to because i do it myself. which is why i'm here, in my bed, in the dark, talking to you.

grrr.

Next on the list of stuff that pisses me off:

The Kashechewan reserve has been under a boil water advisory for two years because of dilapidated water treatment plant. Two years, and neither the Canadian Federal Government nor the Ontario government have taken action. Until now, that is. Now that 60% of the population is in need of serious medical care. They are going to airlift 1100 people out of the community to nearby hospitals. 1100 people are afflicted with various ailments from using contaminated water – including eczema, scabies and other skin diseases. Canadians reacted with horror as the American government waited a couple of days to respond to the devastation inflicted upon New Orleans by hurricane Katrina, yet we’ve sat back and said nothing when northern communities such as this one, and three-quarters of the other 633 native communities investigated in a 2001 Indian Affairs study, live with a substandard, even dangerous, water supply. The Walkerton commission long ago recommended that all native water systems be monitored by the Federal Government but nothing has been done, and no one has said a word.

Perhaps we should allocate some of our earthquake relief charity money, or some of our hurricane relief fund, to build decent water treatment plants in our own poorer communities.

I’m just sayin.

tarot

"The card in the center represents the present status or challenge of the relationship. King of Cups: The essence of water behaving as air, such as a billowing cloud in the blue sky: Great maturity, endless patience, tolerance of other points of view, and a deep knowledge of human nature. One who intuitively knows the strengths of those around him, and gently cultivates them. Remaining calm and relaxed in all situations, and making artful use of diplomacy or a quiet word to resolve conflicts. The ability to listen to what another person is saying, and truly understand what is in their heart. A rewarding partner and a beloved leader."

funny!

ok ciavarro has the best reaction to condy's visit that i've ever seen. you know he's sayin' stuff that pierre pettigrew and paul martin are thinking, or mumbling to each other over a shared urinal cake and one of those little mats with gdub's visage screenprinted onto it. you know it's true.

tnb is sick - i spoke with him briefly at ten-ish yesterday morning and he could barely formulate a thought, never mind a coherent sentence. i haven't heard from him since, and he wasn't picking up his phone last night. i hope this means that he's recuperating in a dark room with a good book and a mug of tea and a fluffy quilt, not that he's doing the 'avoid raspberry for a week before breaking up with her again' thing. i also hope that he didn't manage to pass on his disease during our exchange of bodily fluids this past weekend. i hate being sick. i do have like 9 sick days left for the year, though, so maybe now would be a good time for a viral vacation.

work is kind of slow this past couple of weeks - it always scares me when i don't have enough to do. i'm not one of those people who takes the slow times as sweet reward for working your ass off during the busy times. i just look for little projects to keep myself busy and so end up tangled up in data mining and other fun afternoon delights. idle hands and all. i wish i could just kick back and play highhat but i always feel guilty. it's not like when i was writing my thesis and could justify hours spent in front of the magical sparkly goodness which is bejeweled. damn ethics.

please take

a moment. rosa parks passed away yesterday, at 92. fifty years after she refused to give up her bus seat for a white man. fifty years after she catalyzed the civil rights movement in the united states.

fifty years and what has changed? the mostly white american government is still putting it's thumb down on people of colour, people of spirit, people of other religions. fifty years after after martin luther king organized a boycott of buses that instigated the 1964 civil rights act.

fifty years.

take a moment.

then refuse to get on the bus.

my too sense

ok so i've not weighed in on this whole james bond thing, as i didn't really have an opinion before. now, having seen layer cake, all i can say is bring on daniel craig. you just know that the bond producers saw that flick and immediately forgot about ewan, jude and hugh. they just don't have that... edge. that dark sexiness. i think d.craig does. but that's just imho.

dude i just saw an ad for an at home difibulator - that's the wrong spelling but i mean those things that they use on er when someone's croaking. makes for good television, but do we really want mom and pop american shocking the heck out of uncle joe after he's had too much bourbon?

ok so this is not even seven minutes with sundae, but i've got insomnia and i have a seriously limited attention span right now. plus i have a cake in the oven. as opposed to a bun. no buns here.

i'll try and weigh in tomorrow morning with a weekend recap and some deep and heartfelt expressions of the love that i feel for the world and for the little bottle of sleeping pills here on the desk beside me.... xoxoxo

today's c&h quotation>

"Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles."

so true... so true...

speaking of whims - i spent a small fortune on vanilla scented candles and their accoutrements last night. i went home and lit a few 'round the bedroom to create a soft and romantic light - you know, the kind in which almost everyone looks like a supermodel. or is that when i have my eyes closed? whichever.

anyway. i lit all these candles but then spent the next while in a state of near panic because i'm *really* tired and i haven't been sleeping at *all* well and i was terrified i'd fall asleep with one or two lit and then burn the house down. so i blew them out. and here i had thought for a bit i was going to get lucky with myself, but when i'm all stressed and anxious like that there's just no point in even making the effort - i know i'm too wound up to really enjoy myself. god knows i've not been sleeping. there's nothing more frustrating than putting your best moves on yourself only to hear 'not tonight, baby, i'm too tired".

speaking of best moves, nk has a girl visiting, and ciavarro is celebrating an anniversary with his beer and his commenters.

have a good day - i'm going to drink coffee till i can't see straight in an effort to stay awake....

fuckitty

"I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a crual trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it."

a quote from calvin & hobbes that someone told me today. it is relevant. trust me.

so i'm trying to give the kiddo girl advice, and wishing i was a man. you know, of the gender persuasion which simply listens to their cohort bitch about the opposite sex, grunts appreciatively (but not unsympathetically), and cracks beers till one or the other (or even, bless them, both) of the parties (preferably he who has been shat upon by the creature of *my* gender persuasion) passes out.

but i'm not, so i try and offer pithy bits of advice in true female (and, dare i say mom-like fashion. ineffectually, i might add. harumph.

good morning!

this is always my favourite time of the day - just before seven am. the coffee is brewing in the kitchen area; the lights are still all off; i'm the only person in the office. i sit, check my email, listen to any voicemail, read blogs and eat cereal. it's a nice way to just *ease* yourself into the day.

i expect to be deathly ill, imminently. i've been soaked to the skin by freezing cold rain twice this weekend, and have had little sleep. i did, however, consume such delicacies as alligator and pistachio encrusted catfish this weekend, which may have enough prophylactic properties to ward off ebola and/or bird flu.

plus/minus girlfriend stats:

friday night:
plus: i crawled into bed with tnb instead of staying out later and sleeping with a band member
minus: i crawled into bed with tnb at 2.30 am when he had to get up for work at 7, and was freezing cold so fully woke him up.

sunday morning:
plus: i brought bake yourself chocolate croissants to have with breakfast, and baked them up to share with tnb and his roommate
minus: i made tnb go out in the rain to tenbucks to get me an americano to drink with the fresh croissants

my point exactly

last night i went to see the constantines at richards. i kept talking them up. i kept saying to people, all through this concert going orgy of a summer, yaya these guys are ok but wait till we go see THE CONSTANTINES. people looked at me like i was nutso 'cause we were going to pearl jam and oasis and the killers and green day and u2 and and i kept saying yes but the CONSTANTINES.

ok so i did download the new constantines cd a couple of months ago. like a couple of months before it was released. i couldn't wait, yo. i felt bad when i did it, but shit, what's a girl to do when she's aching for a fix and someone says to her "ya so on the indie torrent site they have advance issue 'tournament of hearts' for your pirating joy". last night on stage they made a little 'please listen to our album it's available for download on the internet' comment. but dude i bought six tickets SIX TICKETS and we bought two tshirts and so that's worth the fifteen dollars i would have spent on the cd 'cause at least two of the people i brought with me will go buy the disk today or this weekend or this week or something and there i feel better about it a little.

and last night we went to see them and it was my second time in a little club (the first being the night lil bro took me to see them with the weaker thans when the weaker thans were weaker than and i hearted the cons from the moment they took the stage). they fucking kicked the club's ass across town and back and played their hearts out and i hearted them even more. like i can't BELIEVE how good they are when they're live and when they're on the disk and when you sit down and drink beer with them after 'cause somehow i started talking to will and then to dallas (who i secretly love and wrote an ode to) and then we ended up going to the after party and drinking drinking drinking and sitting and talking to the keyboard player from the hold steady who was oh so very new yahwk.

but seriously - all i can say is go to the website. check the tour dates. if they come to your town fucking go 'cause they are what live music is supposed to be - rough and hard and melodic and wonderful and they're seriously the best. it'll be the best fifteen dollars you spend, even if you do pay for the cd.

word of the day

when i grow up i want to be a propheciographer. i want to walk the earth, recording the predictions of madmen (and women), children, and old people. i want to cast the future in rhythm and ink - stand at the edge of a cliff, tearing my parchment to shreds and let the wind take my words away. that way, someday, you'll be standing on your front porch, and a scrap of paper will scatter across the walk, with the leaves and a plastic wrapper from a cigarrette package. you'll stoop down, pick it up, and understanding will overwhelm your heart. you'll send the page back into the atmosphere, turn inside, and sip tea, thinking of me.

st vincent's school for wicked girls

here's a bout of random nothingness.

i'd like to have lucy liu on my lap all freckles and dress giggling and smiling at me.

not so much seal - hot supermodel wife or not.

the other night at tnb's place the guinness was spurting out all over the place every time he opened one so we thought maybe it had taken a ride in the coors light pimpinride. turns out it had been ferried dahn-tahn in a volvo with structurally challenged shocks. go volvo.

there is no escape from the fortress of the moles, but maybe if i keep talking the nothingness will fade away.

i have to go make turkey soup. xoxo

happy turkey day

dinner was for eleven. i cooked it all - even made the desserts (three countem) by myself. casualties - my waistline and a crystal glass which belongs to my mama. i will probably be dead this time tomorrow, so this may be the last time we chat.

tnb stayed over last night. i asked him if he remembered talking to me friday night. he said 'why, what did i say?'. so i told him. to which he responded with, alternately, disbelief and something closely bordering panic. he said 'you can't take anything i say when i'm passing out too seriously". i said ouch. then i laged at hsi ass for being such a geek.

law & order svu is on. the cops are walking through a "rave". they are all old and dressed very outlandishly, and they are at least a head taller than all of the "ravers".

i feel disoriented and or sort of uneasy. i'm not sure why, but my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. it's seven forty5. i think i'm going to wash, drink some sleepy time tea and go to bed. maybe it'll dull my thoughts or something.

------------------------

aha! my computer keeps crashing so i've been saving as draft - i've lost like four entries this week 'cause it crashes whilst i'm mid-thought. no sooner had i saved as the damb thing rebooted itself.


------------------------

another wierdness - my sis just called. she has the same sense of unease and uncertainty today that i do. must be the weather.... k i'm gonna go to bed and watch bad network television. g'nite kids. i hope your bellies are full and that you've rememberd to give thanks for all your friends old and new. xoxo

crash, bang, boom

so last night mikeb and i went to see the arcade fire with wolf parade and belle orchestre. it was a cacophony of sound and light and people and i got squished and nearly knocked off the guardrail (which is better than the guy beside me who got shoved off by the security guard) and i loved every second of it. they stood on the stage and played their hearts out and reminded me why i like seeing bands way before they get big-big when they still care about what's going on and not just about the benjamins (green day excluded, clearly). it's why i'm looking so forward to the constantines next week.

tnb had a boy's night last night. i was the happy recipient of three countem drunken phone calls over the course of the evening, the lastest being at about 2.30am as he was tucking his wasted self into bed. here's the scary thing - as he was hanging up, barely conscious, he said to me "i love you".

that's the first time, you know, the first time he's said that. he's not really that kind of person - the kind of person who talks about their feelings or expresses their emotions freely. he's old school. he calls me twice/threetimes daily especially when he's away and that's how i know he's thinking about me and i'm good with that, cause that's the kind of man my dad is, and that's the kind of guy i grew up with - you know they care 'cause they'd fight to the death to defend you from threats real and imagined and 'cause they tuck you up beside them when you are cold and 'cause they always ALWAYS walk on the outside of the sidewalk so you are safe between them and the buildings but they're not the types who write love letters and poems and bring flowers just 'cause. if you need that sort of validation you should just move on, 'cause you'll never find it here and make yourself and him crazy looking for it.

but anyway, he was loaded and he said it and i said it back 'cause i think i'm pretty sure it's true i've been sort of thinking that for a while (since somewhere in the middle of his last away trip) but will he remember and if he remembers will it freak him out that he said it?

i'll never say it first, you know, even if i'm thinking it. we could be together for fifty seven years and if you don't say it first i'll go to my grave holding it in. but if you say it to me and i feel it i have no problem telling you with truth and hope and brightness and sunshine. until that day i'll just show you in ten thousand different ways that you are in my thoughts and my heart.

but he said it and my heart exploded in my chest and i sat awake trembling for fifty seven minutes afterwards and now i'm anticipating/dreading his waking up and maybe remembering saying it and maybe regretting it or maybe not remembering and which would be worse i can't really tell.

(these freeform thoughts of mine are always run on sentences 'cause that's how my brain works. rapid fire words and images synapsing straight from nerve ending to fingertip to keyboard.)

either way - it'll be an interesting day.

oh and thanksgiving dinner is for nine, not seven.