the weight upon your kiss; ambiguous

i've been reading a lot lately. like a*lot*. i'm not back to where i was the summer i went a little crazy, where i was afraid to talk to people and never left my apartment unless i was on my way to the wendys drive through for a baked potato and a green salad or down to value village for more paperbacks. those days i was reading at least one, sometimes two, sometimes (on the really bad days) three a day. it was the only way i could escape, you see, escape the voices in my head - i put other peoples' words in their mouths and kept them full of thought other than those which were coming to me uninvited.

i have, however, been reading a lot. this depression thing gets the better of me, sometimes, especially when i've not been so good with my meds, and when there is stress in the air. even the sunshine can't shake it off, some days, and today is one of those days. it's not as bad as it used to be.... i could make polite conversation with the guy at the corner liquor store, but i had to go there instead of the supermarket when i took a fancy for a tuna sandwich at lunchtime. i'm comfortable with him, you see, and i don't know the people at henry's.

so on these kinds of days i sit out on the steps in the front and read my book, hoping that none of the neighbours looks up and sees me, nibbling my sandwich, sipping my gingerale, and reading my book. i just want to sit here and watch, and pet the cat beside me on his harness, and read and, most of all, drown out the voices in my head.

i wouldn't trade one stupid decision for another five years of lies

ok seriously - will *someone* please look at my code and tell me why the fruity heck my dates are no longer there? SERIOUSLY - i keep staring at it and staring at it and it makes me want to scratch my eyes out with a frickin chunk of steel wool.

oh and i'm really hungry. there are leftovers in the fridge, but it's a long way away and i've got a cat on my feet again. we've really started to bond over our mutual reluctance to get out of the nice warm cozy bed. *yawns*.

actually there are *good* leftovers in the fridge. last night we went across the street for dinner to this lounge that the architect did some of the structural design for. it's pretty 'see and be seen' but the food is tasty - especially the pesto hummus which gives me a bellyache but is oh-so-delicious. hm maybe that's worth getting up for.. maybe.

PLEASE FIX MY DATES PLEASE I'M BEGGING SOMEONE ANYONE

stop - you've got to shake the waist-ah!

so the architect's sister is in town this week for work... she came by for dinner last night and we (her and i, but mostly me) drank 3 bottles of red wine. i feel surprisingly good, all things considered, but i've decided that it may be a good day to lounge in the bed with a cat and a nice breeze from the open window.

my life is rough, let me tell you.

the architect wandered off to bed and left us alone to chat. i hope i didn't say anything i'll regret later on when we see her for dinner this evening. heh.

yeah so anyway i tumbled into bed at an unknown hour (but if i had to guess i'd say midnight-ish) wearing my tshirt, socks, and my undies. i had just fallen ass over teakettle onto the floor while trying to take my jeans off, so i imagine the socks seemed too much of a threat to national security and a sure way to wake the architect up.

so.

much.

grace.

heh.

i wasn't actually grouchy yesterday, i promise.

You're fat - and look as though you should be...

has anyone else seen the ads for the 'feasty boys' on the travel channel, or the food channel, or the shopping channel or whatever it is? they tout themselves as searching for food for the regular guy and advocate the four 'bees' - bacon, butter, something and something....

sheesh if america really *is* suffering an obesity epidemic (and i've been to the "south", and i live in san diego which (the architect assures me) is one of the fittest cities in north america - trust me; they're not kidding when they say that) i wonder about the wisdom of popularizing fat as a positive lifestyle choice?

(this, by the way, is part two of the series entitled 'raspberry needs a haircut'....)

caring *is* creepy

so the keyboardist for the shins was arrested in sacramento for assaulting his girlfriend (a former 'america's next top model' contestant) in a hotel room. not that i'm condoning domestic violence, but i'm thinking that spending any time in a hotel room with someone who's taken any advice given by tyra banks to heart - especially one who is the kind of person who immediately publishes an internet journal post including photos in a pathetically transparent attempt to gain publicity, would drive most people to violence.

i mean, come on. this is the best shot whatshertits has at making getting her name back into the public eye. the only time we hear about the former (and when i say former i mean the losing (though sometimes even winning) contestants of any of these reality shows is when they end up in jail.

(i'm not publishing her name. i refuse to pander.)

whether or not marty crandall is guilty (and we are still living in north america - he's entitled to a trial before a judge and jury of his peers, not before a legion of reality tv addicts (unless he's one himself, in which case those are his peers)), his alleged victim has shown extremely poor taste in her actions. i mean, seriously - it's bad enough that our society is so addicted to celebrity that public figures can't even pop to the store in sweats without it being blasted all over the internet by the 'paps', never mind contributing to it yourself.

domestic violence is a big deal - using it for self promotion (which seems to be the case here) belittles the horror that it represents. and you are right - this girl could have very sincere in her motivations for discussing this attack via the internet. however, i am at the point where i am so disenchanted with the celebrity factory that is our culture that i am going to stick my neck out and assume otherwise.

put the needle on the record here we go again

ok i may be kinda drunk.

yes again.

red wine is cheaper than juice here, ergo, why would i drink anything else?

clearly.

we've bought a bunch of furniture off craigslist in the past little while... we're trying to re-arrange our lives to fit the furniture and the furniture to look like we have lives. does that make sense?

i didn't think so.

watched another episode of no reservations - crush alert still high. the architect is teasing me about staining the leather couch with my panty soup but it's not the show that works me over - it's the books. i did my reading earlier on when he wasn't here.


heh.

le fook

ok so i've got the sitemeter, but wtf happened to my dates?
i just can't leave well enough alone, can i.

oh and i seriously need a haircut.

begging you to beg me

clearly when i'm home by myself for a great deal of time i think about sex far more than is healthy.

that, or i shouldn't go to bed horny (damn lazy red wine sleepytime) 'cause i had some seriously dirty dreams last night.

they may have involved anthony bourdain.


they may not have.




i'll never tell.


anyhoo i think i'm done futzing with the graphic up top but i can't figure out how to fix the raspberry vs b thing in the nav bar, or how to get my sitemeter back up. any words of advice would be extremely appreciated.

(the return of semi-frank conversations about sex to this blog are, in part, a response to the self-ass-kick i recently gave myself regarding my internal censorship. i hope that no one who has come to the sundae sanatorium recently is shocked or offended... this is the way that i think a lot of the time. i'm not sure if i'll go back to the photography (i'd have to discuss it with the architect) but we'll see. for now this is a step, as they say, towards the gutter, from whence i can gaze upon the stars...)

details, details

i can't figure out how to make my favicon (that little b symbol up in the navigation bar) change with xml. gawrammit it, i'm irritated about that.

ok so the architect is snoozing away beside me, carried off to dreamland on a chariot made of his share (which is slightly less than mine 'cause i'm a lush and don't have to work in the am) of 2.5 bottles of wine (it's cheaper than juice, here! why isn't everyone in AA?) and i'm hornier'n'hell.

do guys care if their girlfriends take care of business while they sleep? 'cause a girl has needs, dammit, and she watched her first ever episode of anthony bourdain's no reservations tonight (new season starts monday! he's going to vancouver!) and i'm kinda hot.

ok i admit it- i have a geeky cook-girl crush on anthony bourdain, bad shirts, cigarettes and all. rawr. it's not so much his show (let's not kid - he's not the most attractive of men, and his voice isn't overly masculine or anything.) as it is the attitude that's conveyed when he writes. the irreverence is what does it for me, i think - i'm such a sucker for the bad boy. enough to give a girl the vapours i swear.

anyhoo - i too have had my share of wine (yeah like you couldn't tell) and so i'm going to stop poking around at my code before i really break something and go to bed.

wish me luck lovin' the one i'm with...

xo

there

ok i feel better about the layout for a while.

it's like you never had wings aah ahh

the cat is doing random circuits through the apartment which involve traipsing across my chest as i lie on the bed. i'm not sure what he's doing or what he's trying to tell me but it'd clearly important enough to step on at least one of my nipples every five minutes or so. i have a cute picture of him sitting at the screen door but blogger won't let me upload anything at the mo... damn blogger. (look at me biting the hand that feeds).

anyhoo... i'm feeling a bit stressed out about money and such right now. we really couldn't afford to go to vancouver for christmas but we did and now we are broke and still (with a few exceptions, including a $20 table we discovered in the macy's furniture clearance centre) sans furniture. it sucks that i can't work legally, and i'm totally insecure about asking someone to hire me on under the table. i don't know why - i have more balls than this - i'm just freaked out. i think part of it is that i know if i was caught i could be deported and never allowed back and all of the shit we've gone through in the past couple of months would have been for nothing - either i'd be back in canada alone, or we'd both be back starting at zero again.

le sign.

anyhoo - enough of that crap. i've got a book to read, along with some blogs, and a cat to snuggle with.

even the noise you make when you sleep

so here's a confession - round about the end of the summer i felt the need to listen to old bruce springsteen.... i know it's not 'cool', but there it is. he's a good songwriter, and his voice is sort of unique, and i like it, and and and....

the only person i really admitted this too is the sister (well and the architect, because he's forced to listen to whatever i'm blaring through the computer). we listened to a bunch of it while on the way up to pee-gee for the weekend back in september.

now, though, i feel kinda vindicated. i mean, if the arcade fire dig bruce, then he *must* be pretty hip, right?



and you have to admit - this is the best springsteen song not written by the man himself...

it was the best of tunes...

ok with no further adieu, here is my only contribution to the mania of year-end (year beginning, i guess, but sue me i was traveling with a cat on the 31st) lists...

1. UNKLE - War Stories The first half of a perfect soundtrack to a summer evening on the balcony with a glass (or twelve) of wine, the architect, and the sister. Listening to War Stories makes me want to listen to Never Never Land, which makes me want to listen to War Stories again.
   
2. Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank My favourite summer commuting album.
   
3. Kings of Leon - Because of the Times This album is allll about driving a rental car around San Diego in the sunshine (to me, anyway).
   
4. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Sadly, this was my first introduction to Spoon, but I've since gone back and listened to some of their earlier work. I think it's just a great, fun, listenable album.
   
5. Radiohead - In Rainbows There's not much I can say about this album that hasn't been said a million times. It's not my favourite (I liked Hail to the Thief better), but it's good and I love the way they make an entrance.
   
6. Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass He's great live, too.
   
7. Beastie Boys - The Mix Up Ahh jazzy b-boys... the second half to the balcony soundtrack.
   
8. Baby 81 - Black Rebel Motorcycle Club Not my favourite by them, but it's a great album nonetheless.
   
9. 45:33 - LCD Soundsystem This really grew on me. It's probably the grooviest running soundtrack around, and (aside from a track or two) I preferred it to Sounds of Silver.
   
10. Interpol - Our Love to Admire ... How *are* things on the west coast, you may ask... Well they're movin real fine.

now in honesty, there were a few 2006 albums that really played a big part in my '07, so i'd be remiss if i didn't mention them here:

1. Rise Against - The Suffer and the Witness
2. Silversun Pickups - Carnarvas
3. Evil Nine - Fabriclive 28
4. The Black Keys - all of 'em, really
   and last but definitely not least
5. Alexisonfire - Crisis

i know they aren't the 'coolest' choices... but for some reason this is the stuff that spoke to me again and again last year. sometimes i think that music sites and magazines compete to list the most obscure albums / artists in their top ten. i figure if my lil brother (the biological one, though my spiritual lil brother is good in this aspect as well (despite his shocking blog-absence)) hasn't heard of them they can't be *that* great 'cause he really keeps his fingers on the pulse of current 'college' style music.

whatevs, though... this is just what i like. maybe there is something there that you will enjoy as well.

three blocks over from yesterday

ug my laptop is currently resting on my post christmas bulge and i want to go upstairs get a serrated knife and do a little home liposuction with the stabber and the vaccuum.
it's less drastic than diet and exercise. seriously.

how was your christmas? mine was strangely non. just non. i mean, nice gifts nice visits good food but it mostly felt like a visit with family more than anything. maybe 'cause it was all so rushed.

the kiddo worked most of the time so i did get to hang with him a bit but nothing too significant and now he's off to kelowna for new year and le sigh. he sent me nice text messages when he arrived and i had to fight off the tears again and and and.. i miss him.

i do like san diego though... i even feel a bit homesick for our little abode, furniture-less though it may be. plus it's warm there, and weather here in sog-city is calling for rain rain rain for days and days to come. i feel that new years day maybe should be spent on the beach with a picnic and a bottle of bubbly.

i hope our friends come visit lots and it's not just one of those things where everyone *says* they will but life gets in the way and no one gets around to it and soon you all have drifted apart.

happy blog day

my little blog is four years old, today, and i find myself asking if it is still relevant. i haven't written in 3 weeks and, to be honest, i haven't missed it much. i got out of the habit, i guess. there used to be a day when i *had* to write - was *driven* to do it. now it's almost an inconvenience, a chore.

i'll give it another shot, though, 'cause i've been reading through my back posts and found this, which is originally from tony pierce:

heres when you will experience "blogger burnout":

1. when your internal dialogue gets hijacked by your concerns about what your readers will think.
2. when you are afraid to write down what you are truly thinking about at that moment.
3. when you believe the lie that some people just arent capable of good writing.
4. when you believe the lie that there is a certain way that you "should" write anything.
5. when you get more involved in punctuation, spelling, or aestetics than saying what you want to say.
6. when you get caught up in traffic, hits, popularity, readers, and/or fame.
7. when you believe the lie that what you think doesnt matter.
8. when you believe the lie that what youre about to say has been said before and/or written down better.
9. when you forget that most ideas can be expressed in less than 15 minutes.
10. when you dont set aside a little bit of time each day to update your blog.

i have all those symptoms, currently. i wonder if there is a cure?

i'm learning

my good friend screetus figures that the trick to being happy in a new city is learning the rules of the city. i'm still working on those, but i have figured out something: the two most useful phrases for dealing with telemarketers and those people who stand outside wholefoods/tjs/farmers markets are a) i'm canadian and b) i rent my home. i guess if you are currently *in* canada, the first one might not work so well, though it may throw them off long enough for you to make a clean getaway.

i'm hungry, and the only thing we really have to eat for breakfast is chocolate cake. oh and raisin bagels (yak). le sigh... it's all nasty and rainy out today, though, so i don't want to walk down to bread and cie. yes i know - my vancouver residency card is perilously close to being revoked but there it is - i don't want to go walking in the rain. i don't even have an umbrella here, for pete's sake. if i'd listened to the architect when i was packing, i wouldn't even have a jacket.

i guess chocolate cake is an acceptable breakfast. it's not like there is anyone else here to catch me eating it. mmm cake

tomorrow we find out if we get to rent a GREAT little apartment over in university heights. the architect tells me i shouldn't get so excited - at least not until we've signed the lease - but i can't help myself. it's everything we've been looking for at a price we can totally afford in an awesome part of town. so send good thoughts my way...

december 6, 1989

Genevieve Bergeron- Nathalie Croteau - Anne-Marie Edward - Maryse Laganiere - Anne-Marie Lemay - Michele Richard - Annie Turcotte - Helene Colgan - Barbara Daigneault - Maud Haviernick - Maryse LeClair - Sonia Pelletier - Annie St-Arneault - Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz

woo-woo is the disco call

so it's kind of weird to be thinking about christmas shopping when it's sunny and 20deg out, but thinking i am. this year's going to be a wee bit tighter on the gifts than the past few have been, what with the 'me not working' thing and all, but i figure i can come up with some cool stuff for not so much money if i put my mind to it.

like yesterday we went into this kind of garden and ceramic place, and i found a (fake obviously) dragon skull that i think the kiddo will rather enjoy. bonus is that it's kinda cheep, too ($35 or something). ha i can just see me heading across the border with it, though... 'what's in this box, ma'am?' 'oh a dragon skull'.

what are you doing for christmas this year? special events, gifts, plans.. what do you want for christmas?

raspberry porn

the architect: 'what are you watching?'
raspberry: 'kind of an interview thing with the constantines
the architect: 'oh. i see. well let me know if you want to go into the bedroom when it's over'.
heh.