all i have done

since monday is watch the c.s.i. marathon on spike tv. and think. and think. and think. and think.

sundae horoscope

this is a good one, too. and quite 'in the moment', as it were...

"Instead of thinking about the next 100 steps you have to take, try picturing only the very next one instead. You are currently living in the future -- switch gears and try living in the moment, or changing conditions could broadside you. If you're laughing now, savor it and remember it for later. Every moment is another chance to turn everything around."

saucy sassy airlines flight 69 now ready for boarding...

last night lem-o-lish and i were chatting about emotional rollercoasters and devised our very own airline... ok well seriously we came up with outfits and emergency vodka supplies and the idea that you have to be *this* cute to fly with us (you know, like one of those 'you have to be this tall to ride the roller coaster' signs). ms. lem created a lovely mock-up of our uniforms - any cutting edge fashion designers out there lucky enough to add us as a contract?

fall

i really like fall - it's my favourite season. i mean, i LOVE sunshine and hot days, but there's something about the crispness of fall that makes me feel most at home. for me, the new year begins in september, not in january - my birthday is mid august, and it just sort of seems like an ending to me. it's the time when i take stock and think about things - maybe cause i spent so many years in school?

so what am i taking stock of right now? well, there's this thing with he-who-shall-remain-nameless. he's sitting on the fence - it's really hard on me but i'm trying to be supportive and be his friend. i'm in love with him like crazy. what do i do? i know it's so easy to just say "walk away - it's not worth it and it's not healthy and he did something awful". but, of course, as with any human emotion and human situation, it's not that black and white - if only the world were that easy...

he said that he was so sure of his decision, but every time he sees me he falls in love with me again. we can't *not* see each other - that just is impossible both logistically and metaphorically. we are drawn to each other on so many levels - it's magnetic. i know when he walks into a room, even if i'm looking in another direction entirely, talking to someone else. being with him just feels... right. but i have to be prepared for the fact that there is more than a 50% chance that he is going to come back to me and say that he's going to stick to his earlier decision. i have to be prepared for the fact that he's going to break my heart again.

on the one hand, it will be a little easier. i'm expecting it, right? on the other hand, i die inside a little bit more every time he does it. but i'm expecting it, right?

i wish i had a magic wand that i could wave and make things all better. life doesn't quite work that way, though. pity.

oooo new quiz!

I AM 24% WHITE TRASH! I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

thanks, mugwhump!

todae's horoscope:

oooo i *love* my horoscope today!

"Do great things and learn from them as you do them. The doors of your heart are open, and there's room for everyone inside. Your personal ray of sunshine warms anyone who crosses your path. Use this to your advantage at work today -- there's room for advancement, and your demeanor today will help you get where you want to go. After work, expect to meet someone new and exciting who will change the way you think, and vice versa. This is good news for you both."

The Hotness

so my approach to today was to dress hot, wear a great pair of shoes, and act aloof. i invoked what newly coined The Hotness. ok i managed the shoes and the clothes. also the hair, which was good today. the aloof-ness was not so much a success. actually, let's not kid. it's was a miserable failure. the hotness, however, worked well. and, i may add, was noticed.

i have never had a relationship end in which both parties loved each other and wished they could be together but are kept apart by other circumstances. it's remarkably soul-crushing. not to mention the fact that we work together... today was hard. tomorrow will be.... ah you fill in the blanks.

so disoriented

ok for the past five / six months my morning pattern has been wake up, email (***). (***) calls me while he's walking his dog. more emails while i'm on my way to work. i get in, and promptly begin watching for (***)'s car. (***) calls me while he's driving to work. (***) gets here, we say good morning and chat over coffee for a few minutes.

i'm not sure what to do...

is it fall already?

so i'm wearing a sweater. ok it's pretty sheer, and i have a tank top and bare legs under my little denim skirt, but it's still a sweater. and it's still, technically, august. not right. not right at all.

several people have asked me what i shall do when he changes his mind again? (both maktaaq and newly feel that he will do it) well, for the record, i don't think he's going to change his mind. however, i'm not particularly into being the best buy gift package consolation prize, if you know what i am saying. he did say to me, at one point: "i'd like to think that if i ended things with you, and things didnt' work out with me and (***), i could come find you. i mean, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, right?". to which i sort of gaped at him.

maya angelou has this great saying: "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time". i think i got to find out a little bit about who he is the other day, you know? and i'm not sure i like it. i'm just glad i found out after 6 months, not after 15 years. that said, i cannot honestly answer that question at this point. it's not as though i'm not in love with him. i'm not the kind of person who can shut her feelings off - i tend to feel things really deeply, so it takes me a while to heal them. if he were to come to me and tell me he was sorely mistaken and wanted to make things work, what would i do? i have no idea...

yesterday i got the "it's not you it's me" phone call. he was quite adamant that it was over, but wanted to apologize for the way it ended. i, for one, feel that he was just immensely guilty for "The Airport Incident", and figured that calling to apologize would absolve him of the guilt. i, being me, called him on his bullshit. he sputtered ineffectually.

anyhoo... monday will be a challenge... we have a meeting first thing. should be interesting. if you read reports of a man being thrown through a plate glass window at a local office building, come bail me out, ok?

the ugly stepsister

there is one of those old sayings that has always stuck with me: "there are girls men have fun with and girls men marry". it's like being the ugly stepsister in the fairy tale - i really don't think all of them were that ugly. they just weren't the princess, you know? i'm trying to figure out how to get from being the girl that guys just hang out with for fun to being the other kind. not that i necessarily want to get married... i just want to feel like i'm the most beautiful girl in the world for someone.

word of advice? don't call someone when they are stuck in an airport, thousands of miles away from friends and family, and end a relationship with them. no matter what you say, that action tells the person that they are, essentially, not worth any respect or consideration at all. especially don't do it when they have accepted screwed up travel arrangements that will mean 19 hours in airports or on planes because they are rushing home to be with you 'cause they know you are unhappy. hiding behind a bank of payphones, clutching a kleenex and a cellphone, sucks a lot. no matter where you are in the world.

jet lag sux

thanks to swizzalish for this fun quiz...

eXpressive: 8/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 6/10
Giver: 8/10


You are a XSYG--Expressive Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Sex Bomb.

You are sexy sex sex sex! The sexness! You are the sexiest, hottest and most charismatic of all types. You are a captivating speaker and a great dinner date -- relaxed, self-effacing, charming and generous. Your type probably has origins in something sad -- trying to keep the peace in a tough family situation, or an early heartbreak -- and you'll probably want to address and resolve that at some point, but in your relationships that heartache is pure gold!

You lie effortlessly -- not necessarily a bad thing. You can have problems with fidelity. You need frequent praise and validation, and in seeking it you can make decisions that aren't consistent with your general good judgment. In other words, don't cheat on your significant other just because someone is paying attention to you.

You strongly dislike conflict, and will avoid it. Like an XPYG, you give so much of yourself to your partner that you feel dismissed and unappreciated if you don't get the same in return. But you internalize your feelings more and have a hard time getting over them. You don't *want* to cheat -- you just keep finding yourself in vulnerable situations. But you'll stay with your partner in the long run from guilt and a desire to please.

Your sex life will always be hot. You are one of the rare people who can keep the fires of passion going forever -- if you find a good match. Find another XSYG and you will never need (or want) anyone else again.

Of the 11758 people who have taken this quiz, 9.6 % are this type.

ooo did somebody's feelings get hurt?

oops - i guess i touched a nerve with the pervert assholes who like the under 12 set. i had a few nasty comments left on my previous post. my new attitude to the fuckwits is this: i simply go in, ban their ip, and move on. their idiocy and sheer insignificance in the world speaks for itself.

an open letter...

to the people who find my site by using the search words "under", "sex" and "sixteen". fuck off. fuck right off. do not pass go, do not collect $200. for the person who used the word "twelve" instead? I hope the under sixteen assholes encounter you in a dark alley and use your nuts for party snacks.

best regards;
raspberry sundae

nostalgic sundae

so this evening i ended a 6 year relationship. why sundae! (you may say) i had no idea you were involved with someone long term!

well i was. and tonight it is over. i have sent my little vw packing. i watched it get hauled up on the back of a tow truck and taken to the wreckers. i am rather emotionally overwrought. funny, huh, that you can become emotionally involved with a beater? but i was. am. was. she's dead now. or is coughing her last.

classic fox "moments from past seasons, our writers are on holiday and didn't leave a script" sitcom montage:

• the driving over 150kph down the highway near chilliwack. having a police officer pull us over moment (the funny thing was that he thought he was involved in a high speed chase and made psychojeremy throw the keys out the car window, get out and spread eagle on the hood)
  
• driving back and forth to vancouver at least once a month for six months straight
  
• getting from pg to vancouver in 7 hours moment
  
• going back and forth across railroad tracks with js cause he was amazed at how the cd player didn't skip moment
  
• the "hey am i starring in my own porno?" blowing a tire & having two firefighters stop to help me out moment
  

ahh such good times. i'll miss you, old girl.

update

1 rebar cookbook exchanged for 1 whole foods market cookbook.

first recipe attempted from the rebar cookbook - raspberry (of course!) oat bars. i modified them to include belgian milk chocolate and coconut. test run by various family members to rave reviews...

birthdae tally

• one delighted sundae
  
• one surprise party
  
• nine fun friends
  
• two beastie boys tickets
  
• two rebar cookbooks (hee hee!)
  
• one fun pink studded leather belt
  
• one fun beaded bracelet
  
• one fun book of essays by culinary women
  
• one super yummy dark chocolate raspberry crush candy bar
  
• countless glasses of vodka & soda
  
• one tipsy sundae
  
• more food than you could shake a stick at
  
• one breakfast in squamish in the sunshine
  
• lots of fun birthday greetings
  

quite the birthday! thanks everybody!

weeee! my birthday horoscope

"Everything's coming up long-stem roses. You have a lot to celebrate, and you are ready to share your high spirits with everyone around you. The core of your being feels full and in harmony with the universe. If you happen to hit a slippery patch today, you will find your way out of it. Triumph is the theme of the day. You glow with a warmth and radiance that attracts all kinds of attention. You don't even have to turn on the switch -- your beam is ever-present."

hmph.

i really hate gossip. what's the point? talking about other people just means, to me, that you need to get a life. who could possibly be so interesting that you have nothing better to do than wander around spreading hearsay and half-truths?

a few years ago, i was part of a small 'scene'. i've never been much of a joiner, so even when i'm part of something i'm usually fairly removed from it. i guess i like to maintain an aura of mystery, if you will. however, in a small town, in a small scene, people rarely have much to talk about other than themselves and each other. so i started hearing tonnes of rumours about myself: i was addicted to cocaine, social services was on the verge of taking my son away, i was anorexic, i'd had my boobs enlarged, i'd had my boobs reduced... all of these silly things. it's generally just hurtful, and it makes it hard to trust the people who are around you. who's doing the talking? where are these stories coming from? why are people so interested in spreading information that is hurtful?

at work, i've also always been fairly removed from the various groups. and there are a few central groups. these groups are generally divided up based on department. one of the departments, in particular, could only be defined as catty. two of the women, in particular, revel in talking about other people - either good or bad. unfortunately, i have been the target more often than once, and am so again.

i hate hearing rumours about myself, but more than that i hate hearing rumours about people i care about that are based on their connection to me. i hate the idea that just because someone associates with me, their character is called into question. it really really upsets me. a few things were brought to my attention last night by my half drunk coworker. she may or may not have said them had she been sober, but say them she did. most of the things she said were going around the office are outright lies.

so i am back to having a general distrust of people today. i also would like to cancel my birthday festivities, because many of the people coming will be work people, and since i don't know who is doing the talking, i don't know who i should even speak with. but i won't do that. i'm just in a muddle.

look what lemolicious left me for my birthday!

i am the luckiest girl in the world... thank you bebe!

3 days was the morning

3 lovers in three ways... we knew when she landed.. three days she'd stay. oops, sorry, tangent.

it's three days to my birthday. i believe the plans involve a beach, a bikini, and lots of refreshing vodka based drinks. once again, you are all invited. please contact mike b if you would like to attend.

suggested birthday offerings:

• beastie boys tickets. and no, mike, i'm not too old for the floor
  
• a copy of the rebar cookbook
  
• the moosewood desserts cookbook
  
• shoes. i wear 6.5 or 7 depending
  
• vintage nancy drew books (the old blue and yellow ones. i have #1 and the secret of shadow ranch, whatever number that is)
  
• anything pink
  
• bt - escm
  

of course, i am just kidding. i'd just like lots of people to come along and have fun with me. it's funny - i had such crappy birthdays when i was with psychojeremy. last year i decided i was going to have fun, so i took myself to vegas. this year, i can't afford vegas and there is someone in particular i don't want to leave behind right now, so i shall stay here and go to the beach. there are a few people that i wish could be here - the palmers, and stacylicious, of course - but i am looking forward to seeing who shall come out for the fun.