it's 3am i must be lonely

i have no idea what frickin time it is. angus' clock says it's 6, my house clocks say 6, and my mobile thinks its 5. i'm all screwed up.... i'm lying here waiting to fall asleep, listening to satie and the slight sounds of snoring emanating from the architect... my brain is running about a million miles per second and i just want to sleep.... oh and know what time it is. maybe if i just knew the right time it would all be ok... probably not though.

the cat is crawling around, trying to get under the blankets, looking for attention i haven't the attention span to give him.

we had such a good night out... dinner at rime, parade of lost souls.. drinks at a friends... dancing dancing dancing at the dollhouse till the wee hours (what time? no idea... for gods sake will someone tell me what time it is?) ok satie is getting too jangly for my nerves... garden state soundtrack it is. cat wants out of the bedroom architect still snoring away... brain still running running a billion miles a second. (you'd think it would slow down thanks to the tylenol pm and the 24(?) hours i've been awake but no it just goes faster and faster waiting for the drugs to be over or at least for the new ones to kick in.

less than a week till d-day, or should i say sd-day... the kiddo will be in his new place with the sister ok i have to let the cat out for gods sake ... i'm sure its for the best the catbox and/or foodbowl call sing their sirens song like the one in my head waiting waiting to fall asleep please god let me just sleep...

courage, my word

i've been watching these fires in san diego with a great deal of interest (which is, surprisingly, surprising to some people). the sister feels that i've become a bit obsessed (though that's fading), but i think it's at least somewhat understandable. this place to which i'm shifting my entire realm of existence is in flames. bad omen? possibly.

or, it could mean nothing at all, other than the fact that i'll probably have some seriously bad allergies for the first few weeks i'm there, as they are expecting the air quality to be in the tank for some time.

i have been making some inroads into the packing, which is to say that i've been tackling it a box or two or four a day. i've got all my books squared away and experienced a bit of a panic attack slash dark soul teatime when we sold our bookcases = they really did make our dining area oh-so-homey and warm. le sigh. the architect chided me for becoming attached to *things*. i tried to make him understand that it wasn't the bookshelves i missed, it was the atmosphere they brought to the room. what does he know, though, he's a boy.

the cat and i are spooning. he's forgiven me, clearly, for collaring him (literally). he's going to stay with the parents for a few months and he's got a tendency to escape, there, and i worry so i purchased a collar with a tag engraved with his name and our phone number. you know, just in case, 'cause he's my little fuzzy no-nuts. yesterday, however he was royally pissed and he (literally) pissed on the sister's slippers. heh.

bleh.

i'm a wee bit sensitive today. i feel like hiding in my bed with my book and/or my computer, so perhaps i will.

le sigh.

i can't tell if this is general malaise, the result of a night chock full of bad dreams and restlessness, or my impending girl time. probably a combination of all three, really.

well not to mention the fact that i no longer have medical, so i've been hoarding my meds 'cause they've all of a sudden gotten extremely expensive. probably not the best plan, but there it is.

not to mention the fact that i've got all vowels in one of my scrabble games....

like a river flows

man i've been lowballing my blog. i admit it. it's been like mental masturbation - i put my fingers on the keyboard and these pithy non sequitors come out. i'm just going through the motions and we all know it. i don't know what it's going to take for me to go back to writing like i can. i sit and clickclickclack through the archives and remember what it's like to do it - what it's like to put down words and have them *feel* like something *mean* something, i just don't remember how to do it.

how can i reconnect my creativity with my emotion? is it true that only miserable people are creative? is it true that i'm only creative when i'm miserable?

i dunno. maybe when i'm wandering the streets of san diego, camera and notebook in hand i'll see stuff that ... ughn for the lack of a better word inspires me.

fuck how emo can i get?

hello how are you

it's amazing how busy i find myself, now that i'm technically unemployed. every day seems to fill itself up so quickly. who's got time to pack when there are cars to wash and wine to purchase and drink?

(here's a secret - some sick impulse drove me to purchase and eat a macdonalds cheeseburger happy meal yesterday. not only did it not kill me, it was delicious. seriously. i'm not sure what this means (can i eat beef? do i want to? maybe there isn't enough beef in a macdonalds cheeseburger to really have an impact - could it be 97% sawdust?) but what i do know is that the other day i ate a tim horton's bagel with tomato and puked my guts out, but the burger simply went down like heaven. figure that out.)

i apologize for the poor quality and number of photos being displayed in my newfound return to the blawg. the architect mistakenly took my camera cable to san diego with him, so i'm stuck using my phone. it takes not bad photos, but they still have that camera phone feel.

hm whass new - let me think. not too much, really, aside from rapidly running out of money, and having a new haircut. oh and have i mentioned that i haven't started packing?

heh whoops...

clickaround

and here you never thought you'd get tired of me....
go here for more arcade fire fun-ness.

bestill my beating heart

the constantines are a band burdened by our truthfullness. pile the facts like guitar tracks.

the lonely end of the rink

so i'm surfing around the innerweb this morning, coffee cup in hand (remarkably difficult on an innerweb surfboard when you've not had enough sleep) and i came across this story, in which nate dimeo (the author) makes a very strong case for restructuring the NHL to a model based on pro-football (soccer). it's definitely worth reading. there are flaws in there, somewhere, but i'm too sleepy and haven't had enough coffee to spot them.

i did my 'thanksgiving dinner for lost waifs and orphans' last night. every year i say it's going to be smaller than last year, and every year it ends up being just slightly bigger. this year 13 friends made the trek out to L-Town, and (if i do say so myself) it ended up being a rousing success. the only thing which could have made it better is if the archtect weren't in san diego. le sigh.

oh also if i weren't allergic to dessert and could have sampled the pumpkin chai cheesecake and banana cream pie.....

i watched you change into a fly

i think i want to make my hair this colour again. i've been blondeblonde for so long now (ok with a bit of pink but still) and i want to have some interestingness. esp. since i'm moving to california - can't just be another blonde, you know....

r'n'r wants to know why a dragonfly... do you ever think you have a totem? an animal guide? i used to think that mine was a cat but now i think it might be a dragonfly. i feel peaceful when i watch them, and drawn to them, and as though they are drawn to me. i found this about them online:

Dragonfly symbolism crosses and combines with that of the butterfly and change. The dragonfly symbolizes going past self-created illusions that limit our growing and changing. Dragonflies are a symbol of the sense of self that comes with maturity.

They are fantastic flyers, darting like light, twisting, turning, changing direction, even going backwards as the need arises. They are inhabitants of two realms - starting with water, and moving to the air with maturity, but staying close to water. Some people who have the dragonfly as their totem have had emotional and passionate early years, but as they get older they achieve balance with mental clarity and control. They gain an expression of the emotional and mental together.

Dragonflies are old and adaptive insects, and are most powerful in the summer under the effects of warmth and sunlight. Their colors are a result of reflecting and refracting the power of light. As a result, they are associated with color magic, illusion in causing others only to see what you wish, and other mysticism.

it seems right.

ps - i got ordained. heh. how funny is that? anyone wants to get married in san diego, i'm your girl. oh- i mean, i'm your reverend....

change my direction, i'm gonna change my ways

the problem with skinny jeans is that when you are sort of drunk and trying to get them off, inevitably one foot gets caught and you end up windmilling around your bedroom with the cat watching sardonically from the windowsill, hoping you don't fall and hit your head causing you to pass out so that the kiddo finds you, unconscious and bleeding with your pants most of the way off.

PS

from tony the blogfather:

"how much magic are you bringing to peoples lives? how much do you wanna bring?

i believe theres a little arcade fire in all of us.

if we wanna use it. but rarely do we ever. and if we do its usually for some lame boss or someone who doesnt appreciate it, or care.

october is an excellent time to bring a little magic, i believe."

half the words don't mean a thing and i know i won't be satisfied

so i'm addicted to facebook scrabble. i can't help myself. i have 5 games on the go all the time, it seems like, and i log in at least three times an hour to see if it's my turn.

there it is - on the page - the real reason my poor blog has been neglected. i'm addicted to scrabulous.

le sigh.

oh it's also clive owen's bidet. no word on whether his handsome bitter british self is jewish or not, but we'll make some allowances, ok? i thought so....


i need to redo my template. i'm bored with the clean line version. it's not like i don't have the time to do it or anything, but it surely smacks of effort. anyone want to give it a shot? or at least offer some suggestions? i feel as though i should make a clean start what with this being the purgatory between two chapters of my life - the end of one, the start of the next. i need a new look, new style, to go with my new life. i'm pretty excited about this whole thing, you know. i get to re-invent myself at least a little. not completely, of course, because if i try and pass myself off as an exiled italian princess who was stripped of her riches and villa by the nazis in '62, the architect may call bullshit once or twice. and, let's not kid, there are people out there who look less italian than i do, but i think they are all from scandinavia.

i've decided to take the 'about a boy' approach to daily life:

I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in?

already i find my days filling up: blogging, two units; haircut & colour next wednesday, six units; thanksgiving dinner planning today, three units; scrabble, several dozen half units sprinkled throughout the day. see - i'm a very busy girl!

(i wonder if it's my turn at the scrabble yet? one mo....blast and consternation!)

that being said, i do have time to reconnect with people i've lost touch with over the years. for example, there is a boy who i was just this side of crippled by a crush for when i was heading into grade 10. he was a couple of years older than me, and was in a local theatre troupe. i saw him do improv and sold my soul for his heart. sadly, my 14 year old heart was only worth about $1.47 to the devil and he went off to school while i was left in peegee to pine.

when i was 19, i ran into him at a bar over christmas. we ended up talking and headed back to my place, then met up again for a few dates when he was back that summer. super nice guy - still a big presence in the theatre world. ran into him via the facebook - crush gone but i'm enjoying the conversations, so i'm going to try and have a drink with him before i leave the civilized world for the land of rape and money.

oh and maktaaq tagged me with a meme. that should be at LEAST two units for later in the week....

iran iran so far away

is anyone else here in love with andy samberg? seriously. so very hot. i'm pretty sure that if i lived in new york, or around 12th and oak, i probably would have been arrested for stalking jewish men. there's something about them - i dunno what it is. the sister agrees with me. the architect is puzzled. think aboout it though - adam sandler (back in the day); andy samberg, all three beastie boys... actually not all three, just mca but still.

ok i'm really blog-rusty. i have to get my groove back, but since the architect is away for a couple of weeks, this is my first day of unemployment (though i am going to go back and contract a few shifts over the next two weeks), and i really have not much else to do i guess i'll get back into the swing of things fairly quickly. give me a topic! what do you want to know?

look ma, new tattoo

at four hours, i almost passed out. at five hours, i puked my guts out. at six hours, the outline was done and we decided to fill it in another time... sure is pretty, huh?

everything i know about the US i learned from the comedy network

in preparation for The Big Move, i've been doing some research on my soon-to-be-new hometown. i've found myself a vegan bakery / pizzaria, a list of the farmers' markets, and figured out which neighbourhoods i can see myself feeling at home in.

oh, and i've also been watching all the jon stewart i can get my hands on. that sort of informed political opinion should serve me well, no?

summertime, and the livin's sleazy

i'm on the countdown to my last day of work. you know, when i watched people give notice and then sort of mentally check out, i always thought 'why would you do that? it sort of screws over the people who are left!' and, of course, now that i'm like twelve days from the end i have almost entirely disappeared mentally.

it's not my fault, really, it's just that i've been swallowing some dissatisfaction with my current employment for quite some time (at least in the office). i've been pretty careful to not talk about it here, even, so i didn't risk getting douced, but i do believe i've alluded to it a few times.

anyhoo, it's almost done, i've got 11 days and 7 hours to go, and god help me it's not going to be over soon enough.

that said, two days in and i will be pining for my desk and my friends here at the office, but still. heh - not to mention my paycheque...

i guess one of the biggest things i've learned after the past 5 years is that i will never again kill myself for a company that doesn't make it worth my while either financially or personally...

le sigh.

uncharted waters

ok yeah i haven't been around much. sue me - it's summer. i'd rather spend my even-times lounging with the boozy balcony brigade (i.e. the sister and the architect) and a bottle or two of wine, than in here pecking away at angus jr.

check this - i gave notice yesterday.. i've worked at the lightbulb factory for 5 years. i've been through hell and back with this employer - bad boss, no direction, no communication, layoffs - but i've worked with some incredible people and i've made some really good friends. it scares me a little. ok more than a little but there it is. the architect and i are packing up and moving to san diego (tony? you hear me? i expect a wine and cheese reception and a socal culture primer. we're aiming for october 15.

i have a buh-jillion things i need to take care of between now and then, not the least of which is seeing the kiddo settled somewhere. he doesn't want to come with. him and the sister have plans to get a place somewhere in the city but they are both pretty laid back about organizing, and so i think that perhaps i should stick a bee under one or both of 'em.

scared like crazy, i am. i'm leaving everything behind, throwing caution to the wind, all those stereotypical altruisms. it's simultaneously terrifying and completely exciting. i won't be able to work, but i have a couple of under the table part time things lined up. i want to read, and write, and spend hours in the libraries at ucsd and do research and be smart again.

i don't regret my little sojourn into the business world, but i'm ready to get back to doing the kind of thing that makes me really excited again - i feel secure and confident in a way that i haven't in years. since i met crazyjeremy, anyway. i'm starting to feel stifled by my own lack of knowledge - i keep finding myself wishing i knew MORE about something again.

i love that.

so anyway, i imagine that there will be a few more weeks of sporadic writing, and then it'll just be the blog and me, and i'll get back into doing this all the time. i'll be wandering san diego with the laptop, a notebook, my camera, and a novel - seeing most of it for the very first time - and you guys get to come along for the ride.

why doncha kick yourself out

ok so

momentous occasion.

last week.

somebody turned 35.

it may (or may not) have been me.

your guess is as good as mine, let's not kid.

last night the sister referred to that person (the one who may or may not be me, and who may or may not be 35) as middle aged.

then, this morning, that person woke up at her alarm to discover that she was in the midst of some extremely fall weather, and that it was dark out.


that person who may or may not be me, and who may or may not be 35, may or may not be *extremely* depressed today.


le sigh.

i'm not aware of too many things

meet amy. she's come to be part of our family. ok she's kind of a homely puppy but dang it if she hasn't won my heart already. i'm looking forward to next week - the 'rents are away and the sister is at work so i think missy miss will be spending some time here with me, since i'm off work. i think i'll take her to the beach and let her play in the waves.

heh. i'm a little drunk. i've been like this for weeks now. i kinda like it. you know, i think the reason that people be come alky-holics isn't because of some deep-rooted need to find oblivion but rather 'cause it's kinda fun.

i'm addicted to internet radio, specifically left of centre. i've been listening to my old kentucky blog all evening and have found several new fun bands to download run out and purchase at full price so i am extremely happy.

conversational interlude which just happened:

the architect: "what are you clickityclacking at over there?"
me: "i might be blogging"
him: "hm. are you happy that i'm home?"
me: "let me thing. um.. we've had breakfast in bed, hung out at the beach getting drunk, have had 2 separate impromptu dinner parties, have fucked like crazy, and have napped all wrapped up around each other... mmm yeah i'm not sure."
him: "hehe. geek".

i love it when i see the party people get moving

ok so i'm two days away from leaving for shambhala and am starting to get a little panicky about it. i'm not sure why, but it's filling me with a certain amount of dread.
i have to:
a) sort out party vitamins
b) pack
c) figure out how i'm going to smuggle liquor in
d) organize something stylish to wear
e) get the house organized

now if form follows the fashion of our last 2 camping trips, the architect will end up working right up until the moment we leave and so i'll run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get it all done.

le sigh.

i'm not sure why i'm getting stressed out about this, but i am. maybe i'm just grumpy 'cause it's not sunny out, or maybe it's 'cause i'm on vacation and don't want to be responsible for doing anything that doesn't involve me relaxing and being selfish, or maybe it's 'cause we are really coming up to the point where i have to start thinking about moving a buh-jillion miles away from everything i know and am comfortable with and it's stressing me out. oh and i'm turning officially old next week.