horoscope

i like horoscopes like these:

"Write down all the ideas that enter your head, because if you don't, you're likely to forget them. Right now, your personality is much like that of a mad scientist, all brilliance but little common sense. You need an assistant."

brain slowly returning

bits and pieces of last nite are coming back to me:

• trying to convince nate that i was actually wearing kitty ears not horns; the two of us polling the same people over and over again looking for vindication
  
• the reason the whole debate started: nate telling me i am the devil. me protesting, saying that i'm a good girl. him saying that no, i'm very very bad, but in a good way.
  
• nate sucking the helium out of a balloon and saying "hey lisa you devil - man you are smokin hot".
  
• doing 130km per hour up nanaimo going back to burnaby to get nick's id (which we never did end up needing)
  
• kissing daisy - on the lips even - inspiring her to wax poetic about how good a kisser i am
  
• missing out on my dancing lesson *again*
  
• mattias ohlund scoring
  
• waking up at one point with nick's leg wrapped around my waist and his arm around my head
  
• andrew asking me if i paid full price for my sweater (haha so funny)
  

i'm sure more will come back to me as the day wears on...

strange how many people are on the road at 7am

and how would you know that, dear raspberry? well, gentle reader, because at 7am i was *flying* home from n²'s house in order to sign a get well card for my grandma - my mom is flying up to see her this morning, and i had to get here before she left for the airport.

and why weren't you tucked safe in your bed like a good little raspberry sundae? well, because it is actually well against the nature of raspberry sundae to *be* tucked safe in her own bed on a sunday morning. well, at least by herself, that is. so these last few dry weeks have been quite unnatural for everyone concerned...

i actually did intend to come home last nite. we were having a lovely time at the australian bar downtown - many many drinks were consumed... i had indulged in a little not-sanctioned-by-the-FDA fun so was keeping the martinis to a minimum (well, i could have probably drank the bar dry with no effect - pointless and expensive, i thought). ben was, to say the least, wasted. but he had a lovely time, i do believe, and he may, just may, have finally had a moment with the girl of his canadian dreams. i shall have to confirm that later this evening.

so anyway, a few people ended up in burnaby at the home of n². nate passed out within approximately four minutes of walking in the door. nick held out quite a bit longer, but there was only a few of us sitting around, talking, and listening to music. he made an effort to have me strip for the group (i was the only girl), but i declined. (i wonder if that ever works?). so the ranks dwindled, until it was nick, john and i. nick crawled into his bed and started to pass out and john called a taxi to take him home... i went in to say goodbye to nick and he replied "you're leaving? that sucks".... so we had a brief conversation about how he didn't want to sleep with me anymore... and how (according to him) that's not actually the case - he is just deathly afraid of committment. i pointed out that i am, conceivably, the person he least needs to worry about that with.

anyhoo... one thing leads to another, as it ususally does. all i know is that the last time i looked at the clock it was 5.34 and that is *not* when i went to sleep.

the first time you have sex with someone is really cool, because it's that initial BANG! (no pun intended) - two people's bodies and chemistry colliding - you discover each other a little and it's new and fresh and exciting. the second time, though, is when you sort of start exploring what each other likes...and pushing the limits a little bit. it's still pretty new... but that is the bit that makes it more fun than the first time.

more weird

ok so recall my two days in a row horoscopes, and my vague desire to call the exboyfriend? he just called here. i did the stage whisper "i'm not here!" with rabid head shakings....

he is hardwired into my psyche, my hand to god...

trouble

ps: i still have not received tickets to a perfect circle. just in case someone out there was planning on sending them along, but thought "no.. dear raspberry must have hundreds by now.. i'll just give these ones to another cute blonde". sad as it is.. i remain bereft.

i do realize that the 'ps' usually comes at the end. hence the name post script. i just thought that i'd point it out early, in case what i have to say is dull. wouldn't want to lose any readers before i made it to the important public service announcement.

exerpted from maktaaq's comments:

"Raspberry, I have always been rather curious. What is "trouble" exactly? And how does one go about "getting in trouble"?
- Maktaaq

and my response:

"hmm well trouble can be any number of things. sometimes it's drinking martinis and smooching with girls in restaurants, much to the delight of the couple at the table beside you. sometimes it's introducing strangers to each other with incorrect names and fanciful stories (a la bridget jones: "frank, this is juliet. she enjoys stock car racing and making fancy pastries. juliet, this is frank. he enjoys bondage films and growing tulips". sometimes it's just starting snowball fights and enticing people into *not* doing what they should be doing, but acting like kids instead... depends on my mood at the time, i guess."

interesting concept, getting into trouble. tonight i'm torn by my desire to get into trouble, my dread of doing it in front of work people, and my overwhelming urge to stay home in my jammies and read mystery novels. but the n's should be out.. and going out with bun is usually tonnes of fun, and i believe even young maktaaq is joining us for an evening on the town. so i shall quit my whinging, don my new pink arm warmers (take that moxee's new shoes!) and get off my potty.

i'd like to kill danny finkleman

the title of this post is dedicated to mike b.

i actually did a long post last nite devoted to the subject of having sex with the ex. well, specifically my ex - otherwise known as psychojeremy. but for some reason, when i went to post it, it disappeared into the ether. then, on top of that, i had the same horoscope two days in a row. coincidence? i think not.

so i think i shall just leave the subject alone. it really bears very little consideration, and can be summed up like this: my self imposed celibacy is wearing a little thin, and is starting to make me think of doing silly things, like call my crazyexboyfriend for a shag. i have a remarkably high sex drive, and not giving in to it fairly regularly seems to result in bad choices...

*ahem* tickets

come on now, people. it's been over two hours. i still have no tickets. this is really a burning desire. i can't quite express it or emphasize it enough.
i need tickets to see a perfect circle at the queen e theatre.

someone should send me tickets to 'a perfect circle'

cause i'm sure nick would love me forever if i took him with me....

actually, i'd probably take calvin. he'd never forgive me if i didn't, and his fourteen year old "ladies man" brain doesn't understand the notion of buying love. unlike his old and wrinkly mother. (menses? is that you peeking out from just around the corner? i knew i saw you there!)

i'm hanging out at home by myself tonite. even calvin isn't here: he went off to some dance or another. i could go out, i suppose, but really i feel like taking a bath and lying around. i'm so very very tired. i was at work trying to figure out my reports till after five. granted we did have a bit of a 'cake break' mid afternoon.

it was ben's last day so megs and i (in happy possession of the account manager's credit card) headed off to find a cake and a card... i circulated it (card not cake) around the office for signing, then herded everyone upstairs to sample cake not card. i even went downstairs and tracked nate down to bring him along (nick was playing hooky again. lucky bastard)... i think bun was quite happy - i didn't go to the lengths for this event as i did for his birthday, but that has a great deal to do with my energy levels in the evenings this time around... so i apologize, ben, you crazy kid.

i'm really going to miss him - the office just won't be the same without him.
but tomorrow is his grand 'goodbye' do downtown. i think it shall be a raging drunk. scratch that, i know it. n x2 will be in attendance, so i believe it is an occasion for the kitty ears.

weird

strangely enough..

my horoscope for today is the same as yesterday.

"If you happen to meet and spend time with new people today, dear Leo, be careful. Some folks can appear interesting because they are bold or dangerous. Perhaps they do things you never dream of doing. While this may seem interesting, it can lead to trouble and could hurt you if you're not careful. Be sure to stick to your usual standards and ethics when it comes to others. If danger excites you too much, it may be time to reexamine your life and find ways to change things."

i wonder what that means?

horoscope

this is my horoscope for today:

"If you happen to meet and spend time with new people today, dear Leo, be careful. Some folks can appear interesting because they are bold or dangerous. Perhaps they do things you never dream of doing. While this may seem interesting, it can lead to trouble and could hurt you if you're not careful. Be sure to stick to your usual standards and ethics when it comes to others. If danger excites you too much, it may be time to reexamine your life and find ways to change things"

grey dresses for grey days

so today our department dressed up and didn't tell anyone why. though rumour has it that someone leaked the dish... it was funny to watch people run around trying to guess *why* 15 people who usually take "office casual" seriously to heart were wearing their business best.

i took the opportunity to wear a dress that i don't trot out very often - a sleeveless little fitted grey number with a high neck, and was delighted to see that my new purple cardigan went well over top. not that the loose knit offers much in the way of warmth, but it was a bit of cover, anyway.

but enough of what not to wear... i've found the last couple of days really detrimental to my social skills. i've been in full fledged hibernation mode, for sure. screening my calls, being antisocial on the chat (not with you moxee, dear - i had run off for coffee when you buzzed me), and not really answering my email with due diligence. so, for those of you out there who give a poo, i do apologize. this is my tendency- when things are going not so well, i sometimes withdraw into myself.. not intentionally, but just because i can't imagine myself being good company or even able to hold a conversation. usually i snap out of it in a day or so.. i know that this has been a couple of days know, but i'm still not ready to come out of seclusion. (yes, yes.. bronte again)

it feels really weird to be working in such a big place, now - kind of like the university, but not. at least at the uni, people who worked there lived in a pretty small world - offices, cafeteria, library, classrooms, tim hortons kiosk. at this place the production area seems so remote from our little upstairs world... and the engineering area is like another planet - of course, i don't know any of those people at all. i have this great back stairs shortcut that takes me from upstairs to a little crossroads - one door takes me to shipping, one door takes me to the cafeteria, and one door takes me outside. really i don't have to go anywhere else in the building, if i don't want to. it's great. but i do miss my morning walk route - down through ops to accounting, cutting back out through production and up the stairs... got to say hi to pretty much everyone that way.

i bump into nate with a fair amount of regularity, and i saw nick a couple of times today, too. but i don't really have much contact with those guys any more. i wonder if he still feels like we work together... meh. either way. water under the bridge by now.

tuesday

ok so i almost quit my job yesterday... the stress of everything finally got to me, and when my immediate superior came and yelled at me for something completely minor (as is her tendency) i flipped out and yelled back. normally, i don't do such things, but yesterday i'd just had enough. i understand that personalities will clash in the workplace, but for god's sake no one gets paid enough to be treated with disrespect by your supposed teammates.

but, i do need the paycheque. and, most of the time, i like my job. so i went in today and we talked it out for an hour and smoothed it over. i stood by what happened - i refused to cave on the things i said and the fact that i honestly believe that i was pushed too far. so i feel good about it. i did apologize for losing my temper - that is something i try to not do. but i don't (didn't) apologize for sticking up for myself or my team member.

that said, it was a day of meetings and fire fighting. i'm really glad that i do go in a couple of hours earlier than everyone else, because at least i get something done. the rest of the day was spent in boardrooms and solving crises.

outside my window is a flowering vine that is one of my favourite things about my bedroom - in season, it is covered in little white flowers that i can see while lying in bed. i just looked out at it and noticed the green sprouts beginning in places on the vine. spring is on its way...

no real purpose

here is a link to a seemingly purposeless game. and yet i can't stop playing...

sunny sundaes

so stacylicious just called me to slightly revamp our brunch plans... though i knew that was going to happen. when i left her company last nite at 10pm, she was on her 6th cocktail....

i had a tonne of fun with the 'girls' last nite: sangria and mexican food and dancing at pepitas. but i was ready to come home at 10pm. these past few weeks have been so nuts that i really need to catch up on some rest and 'me' time. i think after brunch i shall go on a long walk or something. that is, actually, what my horoscope for today prescribes. that's the thing i miss most about teaching and/or temping: the days that were your own.... i'd always arrange my temp contracts so that i had a day or two between them to just wander around and drink tea and read my book on patios. and when teaching your schedule is your own to make: you have a few set hours a week, but other than that it's gravy. this whole 7-4 thing is cramping my bronte style...

i wore my new pink sparkly half-sweater out last nite with a white tank top, tight black skirt, white knee socks and mary janes to very good reviews. (lesbians are so flattering, and open about it in a non-creepy way... stacy's friend mo keeps trying to get me to switch teams. don't think i haven't been tempted.) i think it (the sweater that is) was a good find, for sure. the best thing about thrift store shopping is that the stuff you find is not the same as what everyone else has lying around. i do need to go through my closet, though. i know i have at least a drawer full of stuff that i'm forgetting about. that would be the downside of being a shop a holic.

stacylicious

i had tea and a wander on the drive with ms stacy today. it's funny how we can have pretty much no contact for a month and a half and feel as comfortable together as if we had seen each other yesterday.

i was telling her about my feelings of disconnectedness, and the idea i had that maybe i have to learn to be content with what i have and stop looking for *more*. she thinks that is a shit idea - she's so good at calling me on my bullshit. she thinks that you should always look for more - if you feel like there is something missing in your life, there is: even if what is missing is actually hiding inside your soul somewhere. and this is all stuff i know, too. i just keep telling myself that i should give up cause it's to scary to think of the alternatives.

but it's far to beautiful a day to dwell on that sort of stuff right now. i went on a value village adventure this afternoon - got some crazy polyester plaid pants and some old uniform pants with a blue pinstripe and a black uniform shirt for calvin, and a couple of fun things for myself as well. all in all, it was a good day. i love the sunshine...

mmm i'm hungry and don't want to wait till 7pm for dinner... i'm so not patient. we are going to pepitas on english bay for stacy's goodbye dinner, then they are all going dancing, but i shall exclude myself from that, i believe. not quite up to the gay girl bar tonite, fun as it always is. i want to flirt with *boys* today....

you say you want a revelation - revel in this my lover

having just wandered through moxee's muse (my how that does sound dirty) i noticed the similarity in our ennui of late. i feel bad cause this seems to be a theme that i persist in coming back to, but i seriously feel like i'm missing out on something, though; that there is something just beyond my fingertips... so tantalizing... i can't quite see it clearly enough to identify what it is, but i know it's there ("cause tonight.. i feel like more").

what is more, though? a sense of community and companionship? i commented on mox's blog that when you have a physical relationship with someone who is your best friend you reach a level of intimacy that you can't have with your girls, or with your guy friends. conversely, you can't have it with people you are *just* sleeping with. i think that's what i'm missing...

do we spend our entire lives looking for something we will never find? is that the secret of life? you can never find what you are looking for. you will never be content. the trick is to value what you have and make the most of it, with the full knowledge that it's not perfect. people are always yapping on about loving yourself for who you are, and appreciating yourself foibles and all - why do people never say that about our *outer* lives, too?

i'm not suggesting i should settle for something that makes me unhappy. i'm just wondering if maybe, just maybe, i'll never find 'more'.

moving day...

today, as everyone ran around frantically trying to put their office style belongings into the correct receptacle (recycling bin, garbage, or box, depending) i tried to put my finger on the strange feeling in the air. "vacation?" i asked ben. "maybe, but packing up to go home at the end of vacation." he replied.. and then, in a flash, i figured it out - it felt like the last day of school.. that sense of excitement but mild sadness you feel as you clean out your desk and head off into the afternoon... like you are embarking on what should be an adventure, but will most likely not be.

i think most of the rest of the office had it doubly so - they are all 'working from home' tomorrow. we are caught up in an offsite meeting for the day. at least there will be lunch. oh and it doesn't start until 10am, which means that i get to leave my house a full hour and a half later than usual. such luxury...

i'm not even sure what day it is

so work is going a little nutso. we are moving our offices at the end of this week - shifting into a brand new location. i'm really really excited, cause i actually get a window seat: no more having to go stand behind sarah and envying her view... but needless to say everybody's strung so tight that people are snapping left right and centre at each other. i'm just trying to keep my head down and get my work done, without making waves or causing trouble. sometimes easier said than done though.

this afternoon, i actually entertained the notion of looking for a new job. i know that this career path is not where i figured i'd be at my age, but i do enjoy my work, for the most part. but i think that the stress is starting to get to me. i enjoy the money - don't get me wrong - but really, considering how many hours i actually work, i'm probably not making that much. ah well... i'll just stick it out. hopefully once this move is over, and management is more separate from us, the world will run a little smoother.
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i noticed that moxee is back - i was happy to see an update on her blog. i've said it before, but it's really funny when the people you read regularly don't post - you miss them a lot. or i do, anyway.

stacylicious is coming home this weekend for a flying 'goodbye' visit. she's been transferred to tdot. so i probably won't be seeing much of her. not like i have recently anyway - but toronto seems so far away. way farther than calgary. i miss her a bunch, already.

so it should be a fairly full weekend - mossy rocket is doing a show at the arts club theatre on friday, and saturday is stacy's dinner... mmm pepitas for mexican. not that i'm desperate for a cocktail or anything.. but i'm desperate for a friday cocktail and it's only.. shit i know this .. wednesday. that's it.

"it's hella sensitive"

why have i never purchased a cd doctor before? i came in the door and immediately repaired two of my cds as well as the perfect circle cd loaned to me by mmmmnickmmmm this afternoon (it was skipping on my drive home and making me batty)

yes, i did say nick. well, honestly, i never made any secret about totally crushing on him. and since i was off for donairs today, i went downstairs to see if he wanted one (like i always do).. then when i brought it back he was bellysurfing on one of the loading dollies.. just totally goofing around and being a kid. which i'm such a sucker for. i really do prefer boys II men. i'm such a geek though.. i always get flustered and blush... must find self a distraction. perhaps self should adopt a cat or six.

further chapter to the saga of dylan, the world's most high maintenace booty call: he actually called me monday night and bitched me out. the sum of his problem with me is that he is aware that he has issues with dating stupid women 'cause it's easy (his words, not mine) and i was reminding him of that by telling him not to worry about me cause no pressure i was happy just being friends if that's all he has to offer. yes, i know, it makes no sense to me either. so he succeeded in making me feel crappy (twice in one week! not bad for someone i have only made out with a few times).

i was relating this story to bun over our 'first thing in the morning' coffee yesterday morning. his response was "you end up dating the wierdest guys". it's true. i do. guilty as charged. no normal men here. please, only freaks and weirdos need apply.

despite your destination

yesterday when i was in the used book store, i saw a copy of the church cd with "under the milky way" on it and almost bought it. it's on the donnie darko soundtrack as well. so today when we watched the movie, i was reminded of how, when i was like 14 years old, that song made me feel the way that digital bath does now. actually it still does a little...

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty
Sound of their breath fades with the light
I think about the loveless fascination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Lower the curtain down on Memphis
Lower the curtain down all right
I got no time for private consultation
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

And it's something quite peculiar
Something shimmering and white
Leads you here despite your destination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

Under the Milky way tonight...

i remember sitting in my room in the dark listening to that song over and over again.. i had the 45. i have vivid memories of sitting by the open window, on my bed, listening to the words and wishing i'd written them. same sense of sadness and aloneness, longing and yet hope... funny how some feelings never escape you. or you never escape them. hmm having another bronte moment.

i know that i isolate myself. i always have - i don't know what it is inside me that makes me do it though... what it is in my head that drives me away from the people that are good for me and to the people that are bad. i wish i knew what it was i'm looking for.

sleepy

i was perusing the black table webpage and came across a link to a page set up by a man named bill miller. he has posted this site as a way of finding someone willing to marry him and start a family. particularly disturbing were the 'erotic' photos. yes i did look. shut up.

i, i am sort of embarrassed to say, spent the entire day curled up watching dvds wth mike b. neither one of us had the energy to do anything except lie there and stare at the tv. i got to introduce him to a few of my faves, as neither one of us had the energy to go *rent* anything either. but we watched the sweetest thing, donnie darko, and so i married an axe murderer. i will admit to dozing briefly, but heck - i've had a rough week. i'm entitled.

sunday mornings

hello gentle readers and good morning to you... yes, that's right, all three of you..
first of all, for mike b:

though really, it's all for me...
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i just beeped mike b's phone - i realize that it's only 8.15am, and that he probably didn't get much sleep, but i did it anyway. such a brat i am.

why is it, you ask, that he may not have had much sleep? Well, let me tell you.

yesterday, of course, was valentine's day. i do have a certain amount of trepidation about holidays, usually, stemming from three years of bad ones courtesy of psychojeremy. the valentines curse was broken last year by monte - i think i mentioned it a few posts ago - but still i was a little worried.

all for naught, though. i had a great day. mike b and i went for brunch, then i made him take me to dig in the $5 bins at front (only found a little halter top this week. i think it's time for them to restock) then we went and looked at used books & cds (OOO a nancy drew book and a tears for fears greatest hits and a john sandford novel i don't think i've read yet!) then we rented a dvd and came back to mine.

we actually watched 13 - another oscar contender, i believe, but not necessarily the best choice for me - i spent half the film curled up in traumatized little ball, much to mike's distress. well done film, but topically.. i probably should have given it a miss. so i almost spent the evening at home reading nancy drew.

however, i sucked it up and went for martinis with moxee and mike b. and am so glad that i did. we started out the evening at honey in the deep red velvet chairs, then moved to wild rice, then on to a house party (more on that later). i did drink quite a lot - should not really try to keep up with people who have at least 7 inches on me. however a good time was had by all - i think i worried moxee though... had a sicky food thing. people who have spent a lot of time with me know that sometimes i have problems - as soon as i get rid of it i'm ok. megs can always tell when it's a) going to happen or b) has just happened. she says i get a funny look in my eyes.... ah well. i just left moxeelicious impressed with my ability to hurl and rally rather than try to explain it all.... mind you, i guess i just did.

so on to the house party - i called dylan to see if he wanted to join us for cocktails, but he was going to the party he had mentioned to me earlier in the week and asked if we wanted to go there. i asked him if he was ok with me being there... and he said ya. so we headed off - it was a total valentines costume thing... (moxee actually stole a foil wrapped cowboy hat off his head. somehow i ended up with it. i shall have to return it eventually i guess). i ended up having a wierd conversation with him. i noticed that when i came in he looked totally freaked out. i know he's having some relationship issues, so i sat him down and basically tried to tell him that he didn't have to worry about me. it was a party and i didn't want him to not have a good time or be uncomfortable cause i was there. he went off on a tangent about being in love with a woman he can't have and how he feels totally pressured... i tried to explain to him that i was just trying to be his friend - i can see him telling himself the things that i tell myself all the time. i don't really care if we ever shag again... but he was freaked out. anyway, it was a really odd conversation to get into and it left me in kind of a weird place. but then, it's just been that kind of week for me. i'll call him in a few days to get him his hat back, but i think that he's someone for me to just stay away from...

Anyhoo... the flirty stuff between mike & mox & me continued all evening. mox & i gave mike a couple of moments by having some kisses in the restaurant... but they went on to do more. it was building all nite, and was totally fun for me to watch.

but mike's on his way to pick me up for breakfast.. so i best wash my face and brush my hair, for fear of scaring the life out of him..

happy valentines day...

yes i know i'm an hour or two early. i just wanted it to be there when you got up.

thursday next

so i can honestly say that this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. but at the same time, it's been really amazing the way that the people in my life have reached out to me. so, for what it's worth, thank you all.
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so i'm supposed to go out with the yuppie again tomorrow night. i'm not sure how this has come about - i had an ok time while out with him, but at the same time it wasn't great. and all i really want to do at the end of this week is go out and get drunk. but not even drunk - beyond drunk. i want to get smashed; wasted. i want to make out with a stranger at the bar then leave him waiting by the dancefloor while i go to "the bathroom" and just never go back; i want to toilet paper trees and run down the street laughing my ass off; i want to wear a short skirt tight shirt feel like a woman - in short, i want to have a manic episode to go with my depressive week. is that a healthy desire?
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i was indulging my geek culture last night by watching a show on shakespeare, and was delighted to discover that, right afterwards, they were showing the first part in a series about the medici. it was fascinating, if slightly lo-ball. this part was discussing their rise to power and the way that they brokered power by investing in people who were on they way up in Florence society, rather than sticking to the usual ways of thinking. mind you, i missed the last 20 minutes - could not for the life of me stay awake no matter how hard i tried. result of a bad week, but i was quite disappointed. it's really quite amazing how, once your body decides it's going down, it's done.
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in another interesting turn of events, dylan called me last nite. he apologized for not keeping in touch with me, and for basically being a guy. he said that his personal life has been confusing and he felt bad. i pointed out that i hadn't called him either... but he still felt like he owed me something. i told him that i hadn't expected anything of him. i'd hate for him to feel like we can't be friends just because we've made out a few times. i'm pretty laid back, and i am a good friend. that's the important thing, as far as i'm concerned. i told him that if we ended up being more than friends, that might be fun, but i'm not too worried about it. he figured that he puts too much pressure on himself when it comes to women - wants to be everything for them all the time, then feels bad when he can't, so just avoids the situation entirely. which makes sense, to a certain extent. but at the same time is so frustratingly *male*.

for moxee and her bestial muse

"Reputation, reputation, reputation!
       O! I have lost my reputation.
       I have lost the immortal part of myself,
       and what remains is bestial".

              (from othello)

flang

i'd like to speak in the language of flowers

thank you

calvin

have i ever told you about my kid? i have this guy i live with - i know every mother says stuff like this, but honestly, he's amazing. he's so smart, and so caring, and so good at everything he tries. when earlier on i said that reading his poetry makes me feel ashamed i wasn't kidding. this is a kid who, at 14, was asked to be in the grade 12 creative writing class, cause that's how good he is. he has the fastest time ever in bc for the 14 year old boys 300m hurdles. the very first time he ever tried that race, he broke the meet record. when he was 13, he went to the provincial track and field championships and won 5 gold medals. this is a kid who hates to ask for stuff, cause for so long we were dead broke and i just couldn't afford to buy anything. you can see the look of dread on his face when he has to ask for money or anything.

the only thing is that my kid also has the same problems i do. no matter how good he does, he can't see it in himself. he sees himself as this loser who can't do anything right - he just wants to fit in and be liked cause he has such a big heart and has so much to give people. he's too caring and too sensitive. he's so much like me that it scares the hell out of me cause i know how it feels.

he's been having more and more trouble coping at school. the other day, a computer lab superviser noticed him doing an online suicide assessment, and paid attention long enought to notice that he scored high. he's been cutting his arms and experimenting with drugs. i don't know what it is that he needs that i can't give him.

maybe this is just a phase. maybe it's just something that lots of kids go through and he'll snap out of it and then we'll all look back on this year as his funny 'goth' phase and make fun of him for it.

but today one of the kids in his grade 12 class found him passed out in a pathway by the school. he'd drank a bottle of vodka because he was upset with himself for something or another. this kid picked him up and carried him home, then went and got his mother who's a nurse and came back and sat with him while he puked.

i'm so afraid that he's looking all over the world for something that he'll never find cause it actually lives within himself, but he's too hard on himself to actually see it. i'm so afraid that he'll have to go through the same stuff that i've gone through, but he won't be able to get pregnant and have that save him.

i go in and look at him sleeping and think of him as my little kid. but he's not anymore. he's 14 and he thinks at a level that's already way beyond me. all i can do is try and show him that i know what he's going through and that i love him and try to be here when he needs me. but is that going to be enough?

i am optimus prime

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

it says: "Vast, red and ready to turn into a lorry at the slightest provocation, you are a robot to be reckoned with. Although sickeningly noble, you just can't resist a good interplanetary war, especially when Orson Welles is involved. You have friends who can shoot tapes from their chests. Tapes that turn into panthers. And other friends who are dinosaurs. Dinosaurs who jump out of planes. Will you have my children?"

yes, yes i will.

more song lyrics

i think the only person who 'gets' what the lyrics to digital bath do to me is rori.
i can fall in and out of love between the beginning and the end of the song. it makes me feel so hopeful and so alone all at the same time. have i written about this before? i have the lyrics printed off on a piece of paper by my desk - sometimes i look at them and they make me want to cry, but sometimes i look at them and they make me feel exactly the opposite.

you move like I want to
to see like your eyes do
we are downstairs where
no one can see
new life break away
tonight I feel like more
tonight I
you make the water warm
you taste foreign
and I know you can see
the cord break away
cause tonight I feel like more
tonight I feel like more
tonight I feel
feel like more
you breathed
then you stopped
I breathed then dried you off
and tonight
I feel like more
tonight

i can put myself in the song. i can see myself in that room, feeling those things, invoking those feelings in someone else. i lose myself in words so easily.. that summer i almost lost it all i read three novels a day... i let the words wash over me... i put myself in the feelings of the people in the books, in the poems, in the songs. it's like a drug. the sensations are real, but so artificial. even now i read and read and read and lose myself in the characters and the settings and the stories...

sundae afternoon

so i'm having an enjoyable afternoon of hockey, fleece pants and a pink hoody. i've tidied my room, made a big brunch for calvin and sarah (i even cooked bacon!) and did some laundry for both me and our houseguest.

now i'm drinking tea, eating banana bread (bad sundae!) and doing some thinking - but then i just can't shut my brain off... it's the worst when i'm feeling kind of content. i start to wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.

sarah and daisy both asked me yesterday why mike b. and i don't date. i think i passed them off sort of flippantly, but it started me thinking. i'm fairly convinced it's a bad idea, but why?

i think it comes down to the fact that we are really really alike - which can be a good thing, but a bad thing, too, in that we are really alike in our relationship issues... and i think that, after the rori debacle, i am afraid of losing yet another friend because i'm an emotional cripple. it's kind of messed up, and i've said it before, but the reason i end up with 24yr old boys is because a) they don't challenge me on my bullshit and b) because i know they are only looking for a night or two with no complications. and i know that it's kind of self destructive, because it totally ends up confirming all the stuff i think i know about myself and relationships and people. but i do it anyway.

case in point - psychojeremy just called (seriously, just this second. i swear to got he's hardwired into my psyche - he knows when i'm weak and he strikes like a viper) to ask if i wanted to go for a drink and i said yeah. i know it's gonna make me feel like shit, and i know what he wants, and i know how it's gonna end up. but i said yes anyway...

i was watching sex and the city with mike b. last nite, and at the end of it, samantha comes out of the elevator and smith is waiting and she starts to cry and says that she hates herself for doing this to him... well i hate myself for doing this to me but i don't know how to stop.

i'm getting too old to stay up all night

last nite i went to a house party with mike b., his friend maria, and daisy. it was at the home of his other friend, georgia. we only stayed till 1.30 or so, but because i live out in the sticks, it was 2.30 till i got to bed.

i had to get up quite early, though. one of calvin's friends was leaving this morning to go live with his grandmother, as he didn't get along well with his mom. his flight was at 6.30, so he had to be at the airport by 5.30. that is well before any public transit is practical, so the original plan was for him to sleep in the airport, because his mom doesn't have a car. this is a 16 year old kid. calvin naturally asked me if he could sleep at the airport, as well, to keep him company - this is how i became apprised of the situation. so i said, of course, no. however, i volunteered to drive josh to the airport this morning. so i had only been in bed for just under 2hours when the alarm went off again. but there was no way i was going to let a kid spend the nite in the airport alone.

the second part to this story is that we also have a guest in our spare room this morning. calvin's other friend, sarah, had a fight with her mother the other day and was thrown out of the house. this 14 YEAR OLD GIRL has been couch surfing since wednesday. she went to her house yesterday to pick up some clean clothes and things, and her brother slammed the door in her face and would not let her in. this 14 YEAR OLD. what the hell is her family thinking?

my mom and i were talking about it a bit this morning. she is as befuddled as i - it's as though an entire generation of children are being raised to believe that they don't matter as much as their parents' jobs or lives. and here, i have to bow my own head in shame a bit, because i have been caught up in work. as a single mom it's been really hard to provide for us sometimes without putting in really really long hours. even now, with my commute, it takes me forever to get home from work at the end of the day. i don't spend as much time with my kid as i should. i'm fully guilty of that. but i do try to make special time for him. and i will make a full effort to do more. and i hope to god he knows how much he means to me. i try to tell him as often as i can without making it meaningless.

i don't know. i don't have any answers. but just cause kids don't seem like kids doesn't mean that they aren't. they still need to be guided and looked after and loved. but then, i guess adults do, too.

one of the funniest things i've seen all week

this man after my own culinary heart has made janetjackson's breast cupcakes. i am in love.

saturdays

what a lovely day.... met up with sarah u and mike b for a round of brunch and vintage store shopping.. came home to calvin hanging out playing video games with his friends in our house (something he does too rarely) and the smell of veggie lasagne made just for me baking in the kitchen. this evening i shall venture out to a house party with people i don't know, wearing my fun new skirt, i think. it's really quite lovely - cut on a diagonal and splashed with giant red poppy-like flowers. there are too few days like this; the kind that leave you feeling a little tired but content and at peace with the world.

maktaaq has posted some of her high school poetry... i am sort of tempted to track down mine. however, it is probably at the bottom of a huge box in the very back of the storage room. so it's probably best to leave it. really that makes me sound lazy - truth be told, i'm afraid of spiders and dust bunnies, two things our storage room is quite overrun with. i usually have calvin dig things out for me, but that would involve me telling him what i'm looking for, which would involve him wanting to read it, which would involve him laughing most heartily at me as he is so much more talented in that area than i ever have been or probably ever will be. as a parent, i have to tell you that it's a mixed blessing to see your child outclass you at most of the things they attempt. it makes you proud for them, but a little ashamed to be you...

apology

i do want to apologize for the poorly rendered poem below, and offer a bit of an explanation for inflicting it upon everyone.

i used to write - a lot. poetry, mostly, but also some short fiction and definitely a great deal of theory-esque non fiction. even gave some readings, here and there... unfortunately, in the grad school/relationship hell that sort of occupied my attention for 3 years i lost the drive and apparently the ability.

sooo... this blog is actually my first attempts to get back into it. work doesn't really allow me to be creative (had my performance review the other day, and when pam asked me what i found most challenging about my position i had to say completely relearning how to think and interpret information) so this is my way of reteaching myself how to play with words and language; how to make my thoughts go from my brain to my hands...

it'll take a bit to get going again, and i'm sure there will be numerous dodgy offerings like the posting(s?) below. so i apologize in advance.

poe(m)

elaborate upon this
  ...hypothesis
    a reaction for every action

re-action replays the act re
  calls the play.

rewind the words which
  play
    upon re
      word re
        write the act

recall the words re
  spoken re
  wind the action re
  voke the play

actions re
    verberate

elaborate
upon this -
  i am the action to
    your
    re
action

re
lease the words
re
tell the story
re
verberate upon
me

bleak and powerless II

i'm really worried about calvin. i know that he hasn't been that happy... and he's not hanging out with the best people in the world. he seems to be giving up on the things that make him happy.. or is it that not much is making him happy anymore?

he's got the bad end of the stick, for sure. my dad has a mood disorder, as do i, as does his dad. so there's not much chance that he hasn't been affected in some way or another. i just hope that we can help him get happy again. he's the whole world to me. i can't imagine going through life without him around.

nothing surprises me anymore.

i heard on the radio on the way home today that someone in knoxville tn is suing janet jackson, justin timberlake, mtv and (i think) abc for bearing the booby at the superbowl. i'm not sure that i'm surprised - it is the american way to attempt to get rich quick at the expense of others. why not sue jt for showing the american public a breast mostly covered by a hideously ugly piece of metal?

interesting

strangely enough...

today is not sunny, and the scissor lifts were nowhere in sight...

completely separate and unrelated

well, sort of not, cause nick's the 'inbetween' thing that i did that means that the other will never happen...

i finally got the balls to ask him(nick, not the other) what was going on... i mean, i knew the answer, but i needed to *know* the answer, you know? and it's what i knew i knew the answer to be... but whatever. it still feels kind of crappy. i got the blah blah blah working together blah blah blah just want to be selfish blah blah blah.. the ususal boy crap. i stopped him mid flow and told him he didn't have to explain himself to me. i just wanted to know what was going on. i told him that i wasn't looking for a boyfriend.. that it never works out for me when i do.... and that he doesn't owe me anything. i could tell he was feeling sort of bad, but there is no reason for it, so i tried to reassure him. i hang out with young boys and they act like young boys - i deserve pretty much everything i get. so i feel ego bruised and kind of sad.. but mostly cause i think we could have had some fun.

but in all honesty there is still the other... and i don't know if i could really get away from it, considering. what's the song? "you are still a whisper on my lips.. feeling at my fingertips.. pulling at my skin.. days go by and still i think of you.."

i've asked mike b. to smack me when i start liking the next one. he said that he will do it, unless they are good. i pointed out that i never really like the good ones, so there isn't much chance of that happening.

hmmm

how come sometimes you meet someone and you are attracted to them... and for some reason or another it doesn't work out between the two of you.. but the scent of him clings to your skin, and he's always sort of at the edge of your peripheral vision, whether he's in the room or not? so you begin to wonder if it is just you... but you catch him watching you from time to time with an expression on his face that might be..... longing? and you begin to wonder to yourself why you thought that it wouldn't work out to begin with... but know that you have done things in the meantime that have ensured that nothing else will ever come about. but at the same time, you can't escape the idea that your lives are intertwined, for some reason or another....

wednesday

i usually really dislike wednesdays - halfway through the week and usually nearly interminable. but today was not bad. mind you, after yesterday, most days would be an improvement.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
on the way home this evening, i noticed off to the side of the road a herd of scissor lifts, necks fully extended, grazing from the tops of buildings. they all faced together towards the setting sun in a herbivorous salute to the pretty end of day. i wonder what caused them to gather there; what migratory instinct brought them together on this february wednesday...

the darkness

a quote from someone else's blog that succinctly describes my feelings on the matter: "Perhaps I am excessively judgmental in believing that anyone who looks like the bastard child of Robert Plant and Steve Perry via Austin Powers's dentist has no business as a rock god. "

and just because everyone else is talking about it

here are some fun shots of justin and janet. man, if jt wanted to bare my nipples i gotta say i would not necessarily object.

a story

this is a jp and andrea story.

jp and andrea are my image of the perfect couple. they have their own lives but they have such a great life together. they are my 'couple' hero. they were married this past thanksgiving (that would be the canadian, not the american). i spent all day saturday on top of a 30ft ladder stringing long swooping pieces of white gauze across the ceiling of the hall, then chucking autumn leaves into the centres, trying to transform a gymnasium into a room that i would want my best friends to be married in. but i digress.

the party was, essentially, thirty family members and 100 friends - cheap drinks, fun music and lots of dancing. someone had given jp celebratory cigars, and the girls snagged one and headed outside to smoke it and giggle. andrea's mom was putting something in the car, or getting something out of the car - whatever she was coming back into the hall - and busted us all standing outside smoking this little vaguely fruity smelling cigar.

now what you have to understand about andrea's mom is that she is very small and very eastern european, and very traditional. she came past us and looked upon the group in general, but andrea specifically, very disapprovingly. she then marched inside and straight up to jp: "your wife is outside smoking marijuana!". yes, she fully ratted her daughter out to her new son-in-law. jp smiled, told andrea's mom that he'd handle it, and wandered off in the direction of the door so that it *looked* like he was handling it. he then told andrea all about it when she came back in. she told all of us and we laughed and were secretly jealous that she's so lucky...

it's *so* not just me

case in point. i've only half been watching this rather lacklustre hockey game, but i've heard the announcers say these things: "Ohlund's up against it... Ohlund goes off". then, just now: "Sandwiched by Swedes! Naslund and Ohlund!"

bored

so i was bored and updated the look of my blog. i think i'm going to set up a geocities account so that i can store images, then use them. hmm a thought anyway.

calvin and i went to see the butterfly effect this afternoon. strangely, it did not suck as badly as i thought it would. indeed, i can say that i actually liked it. it did, of course, cop out at the end but it is hollywood, after all. what can i expect.

the film did bring me back to my pet project of a few years ago, though: going around and asking random strangers if they could go back and re-make one decision that they made, somewhere in their past, what would it be, and how do they think their lives would be different?

it's an interesting question, because everybody has one thing that they would change if they could. i'm a big believer in not having regrets; i fully know that the decisions that i have made have created the person that i am today. it's just that sometimes i'm not sure that i *like* the person that i am today. if i remade a few of those decisions, how would i be different? how would i be the same?

case in point: after a particularly bad blow-out with psychojeremy, i had more or less made the decision to move to vancouver. i was done teaching for the semester; had no more coursework; had no real commitments to bind me to where i was. what would be different if i hadn't gone into the cafe to pick up my things and let him convince me that we could work it out? i can remember the look on his face as i turned and walked out; i remember the song playing on the stereo (chicane and bryan adams, don't give up); i remember the feeling of abject sorrow in the pit of my belly; i remember the blast of cold air hitting me as i stepped out onto the winter street and pulling my car over a block down the road to cry; i remember the cell phone calls and him pleading with me to rethink my decision: "lisa don't leave me. i hate the thought of my world without you in it. you aren't supposed to go."

even thinking about it now makes me feel sick. but imagine if i'd just kept going? left my stuff at the cafe, given my notice on my apartment (the rent was paid for another month), rented a moving van and left? all of the shit that went on for another 2 years would never have happened. or would it have? were our lives intricately intertwined for a period of time and, no matter what decision i made, would have stayed that way?

and what good things would have been lost? calvin would never have had the success at track that he had in the next two seasons; he never would have developed the closeness with his dad; i would never have become so close to JP and Andrea.

it's a strange thing to think about.

bleak and powerless

here's a bleak outlook on life. talk about a wonder killer. you know, it's only been in the last few years that i thought maybe i'd want to get married some day. on closer inspection (i.e. talking to some of the women who i know who actually ARE married) i may have to rethink this. scary, really.

someone else's brilliance

this is a quote from a blog that i happened upon earlier:

"Viruses are so last year. I don't understand why these virus makers don't get more creative. They could turn us all into unwitting participants in a massive social experiment/soap opera, but instead they mess up our computers. Ooooh! How brilliant!
If they really wanted to fuck with everyone and change the course of history, they would make one of these:
Two Suggested Viruses
*A virus that sends out every saved draft email to its originally intended recipient.
*A virus that sends the last twenty emails you've sent out, to everyone in your address book.
Jobs would be lost, relationships would disintegrate, tears would be shed, phone lines would be tied up for hours. And the whole damn thing could be sponsored by an alcohol company. "

i, personally, am particularly fond of the second option. that tickles my naughty bone. i have to admit to having certain, um, i won't say psychopathic but they are definitely not normal, tendencies sometimes. a bit of the devil living in me... the desire to go out and raise hell... cause a little trouble. the last time this happened and i went looking for nick (who, in remarkable twist of synchronicity, had skipped out of work to go shopping), his comment was "Total Irish girl!", which, i suppose is true. i never have the desire to physically hurt people... just make mischief: take french fries off the plates of total strangers, or steal popcorn from the bucket of the person sitting in front of me in theatres; gently tip people over when they are bending over, stork like, tying their shoes; undo bra straps and string-tied halter tops; things like that. the second virus idea is something that i wish i'd dreamed up. mind you, i'd probably be writing this from an CRTC-sponsored room in a cozy federal penitentiary, if it had.

oscars

the oscars are on feb. 29. mike b. and i are plotting an oscars party - this is something i've always wanted to do. so we are now soliciting donations of a long red carpet to put down the main hall of his house. we can have people arrive on the red carpet and take their photo as they arrive along the red carpet....

i don't necessarily buy into the oscars as a standard of film making, but i sure do love the glitz and glitter surrounding them. too much fun. a couple of years ago, psychojeremy and i had a particularly crazy party weekend, and didn't go to bed all weekend. he passed out on the couch beside me, but i am quite proud to say that i managed to stay awake all the way through..

i must say i'm getting overly excited about this already... is a month early too early to anticipate a party?

i'm also going to create an "oscars checklist" for myself... see if i can manage to watch as many of the films as possible before the big night. ooo fun!