growing up?

just after christmas last year, i had a falling out with someone with whom i'd been friends for a really long time. like, he was part of my family friends. like, when you put him and my real brother together, it sort of seems like they were separated at birth friends. like, on my first day of university, i saw him drinking a combination of peppermint herbal tea and hot chocolate and was both disturbed and fascinated, so had to meet him friends.

anyhoo, just after christmas we had a falling out. it had been building for a while - i felt like every time i called him he was too busy to hang out. it seemed like when he did call me to spend time, he purposefully asked me to do things that he knows i hate. things like that.

so we had this falling out. it wasn't a disagreement - it never came to that. you see, my habit is to just... close... the door. i ended the friendship. i didn't say anything. i didn't try to talk. i just.. shut it town.

i have a really hard time dealing with my feelings, you see, and a worse time communicating them. i turtle into myself and shut everyone out. i become a hermit and screen my calls and wait for everyone to go away, and eventually they all do. and why wouldn't they? this ultimately proves (in my mind) that i didn't really have any friends to begin with, and i'm better off on my own, and look here i am all alone etc etc etc.

now, this is an aspect of my personality i'm trying to change. i'm trying to talk about my feelings, and not keep myself closed off. i'm trying to let people in, and discuss it when i get hurt, or feel alone. (ok this new philosophy has opened up a whole can of hurt with you-know-who, but we won't go there, ok?) although, i did just blow off captain average without saying anything. oh, and bad-part-of-town guy. but come on, now. baby steps, here. i'm trying.

so anyway... toad(my friend)'s presence was noticably absent from my thanksgiving table last month. i don't think he's missed one in years. and i started thinking about it; about the stupidity of ending a friendship that had lasted for so long without a conversation, without a word. and i started thinking about how i didn't want him to be noticably absent from the game playing appie eating extravaganza that is christmas eve in my house. so.... i sucked it up and called on the weekend. i left a "just wanted to say hi" message. and he called me back last night. we are going for sushi tomorrow.