happy birthday, canada

we watched some crazy man verbally assault people, this evening, as we carried our iced teas down the drive in the sunshine. he wore red and black, wide brimmed hat shading his eyes from the evening glare - you know how the sun hits *that point* in the sky when there's really no escaping it, when the sun visors can't help no matter how tall you are.

"i hate fucking canadians!" he said as he lurched back and forth. "fuck canada!" i stared back at him, feeling the boy's arm tighten beneath my hand. "don't," i said. "don't provoke it."

the man in the red shirt lurched onto the bus through the back door. the bus doors remained open - we could hear him lambasting the driver before he lurched back down the stairs. "i'm calling 911." the boy said. "he's going to hurt someone."

fucking canadians indeed.


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i'm going home for the weekend, kids. have fun with the barbeques and the fireworks and the jazz fests and the ball tournaments and all the other good ways you celebrate this birthday of all birthdays....

friday night

in the absence of a patio we sat in the sunporch, resting on antique wooden dining chairs too refined for the quality of language and victuals. our feet were up on the sill, windows open. he leaned slightly out, watching the breeze catch his cigarette smoke and wisp it away. i balanced the plate of take out pasta on my lap, beer in hand, and speculated upon the fiscal circumstances of the man pulling up for pizza across the street. i gestured extravagantly, narrowly avoiding losing both my beer and my dinner to the tiled floor. he looked at me amused - brow furrowed in the way it sometimes does. i can tell that he's not sure how to take me - not sure how to tell when i'm seriously empassioned and when i'm just playing for the crowds. after all, the world is just a stage, and we had the front row seat.

i am

feeling irritated with my friends. kind of all of them, in general, but not for reasons that are individual. like everyone has good reasons for doing the stuff that they've done which irks me, and in a one on one situation i'd be able to deal with the crap. it's just that a bunch of things have happened in the last week and so when you lump all the things together i get irritated. it's like there's an ill wind blowing, or something in the air, or one of those other pithy cliches.

foo fighters presales are today. i asked the new boy if he wanted to go, but he's not interested. this is good, cause i'll be free to lurk at the back door and try to steal the chance to profess my undying love for mr dave grohl. i sure am ok with that, and clearly in that he's declined to accompany me. home free, as they say.

anyhoo.. i'm supposed to be at work. i'd best get back to it.

from spirit fingers via maktaaq...

i'm a posting machine, aren't i?

an exerpt:

PARIS - Joy turned to tragedy in the early hours of the morning when Tom Cruise accidentally snapped his Katie Holme's neck while in the throes of passion. The pair of lovebirds had just announced their engagement at a packed press conference when Tom manfully grabbed Katie's hair. He then pulled her head into a clinch to prepare for a macho show of affection. However the brute force of his loving left arm against Katie's throat was too much pressure for her neck vertebrae to bear.

Shocked onlookers said that Tom was unable to hear the lethal snap of his fiancee's bones over his maniacal laughter as he described what a magnificent, extraodinary and unbelievable woman Katie was. Even as her body went limp, he continued to whisper into his lover's ear "are you OK?" and "darling, smile for the cameras". It was only after the Batman Begins star failed to respond to the words "if you don't wake up now Dakota (Fanning) is more than happy to take your place" when Tom knew that something was wrong.

the rune say

Thurisaz
The Gate
The God Thor
________________________________________________________________________

Thurisaz

Thurisaz indicates the presence of new options opening before you. However, it is advised to stop in front of the gate before crossing it, to look at the road that led you up to here.

This Rune points toward the need of not acting yet, but to examine past experiences and circumstances before continuing towards success. It is not a moment to make decisions, but rather to strengthen your ability to wait.

Review your past closely. Observe it, bless it, and let go of everything you need to let go of. Then cross the door.

deep water

didn't go out with number two. clearly. it's fucking twelve-fifteen and i'm here writing to you. how sweet.

'have to move really slow. deep water' he said. you mean you are deep water? or i'm in deep water. is that the same as being in hot water? 'no, i'm deep water. have to move really slow. you're like a little creek.' oh you think so? i ask. i don't think you have any idea. 'oh i know. i'm good at figuring people out.' shit, well since you've got me sorted, maybe you can explain me to me. 'sure, i'll explain you. someday.'

oh sweetie you have no idea. look at you making the same mistake everyone makes - taking what you see on the surface to be the sum of who i am. do you know how long it takes to get below? do you have any idea? i never thought you, of all people, would underestimate me. i think that hurts more than anything. interesting, though. it maybe gives me the little piece of contempt i need - the little piece of contempt i usually find beneath the blankets of another man's bed.

update

new boy called from away... we tiptoed gingerly around for a few minutes then fell back into easy conversation. he's going to call back when he's drunk and it's dark. it's so much easier to talk about stuff when it's dark, isn't it?

will i go out with the other this evening? not sure - i just screened him. he'll call back. he always does...

in other news - my papa has returned from ireland, just in time for dad's day. he came bearing football jerseys for the new boy and the kiddo, and a boxing club sweatshirt for me (established 1972 - a good year, i must say). yay, dad!

do it

go read tony pierce. i found him via mblog. he's fucking brilliant.

i'm gonna be dropping the f-bomb all day, so if you are easily offended by bad language fuck right off.

stink

what, nobody knows how to fix my computer? fine. thanks. bleh.

what happened to swizzalish? anyone know? she's just... gone. so strange...

so i was supposed to go hang with The New Boy last night. i spoke with him in the afternoon, and said that i'd head home to change then come straight downtown. which i did. and hung around killing time without being able to get a hold of him for two hours. mike b rescued me from my tedium and we went to grab a bite. new boy finally called - he bailed on our plans. i called bullshit on his 'nothing is wrong' and said (you know, since i was a block and a half from his house and had wasted half an evening waiting for him) i'd come talk to him when i was done eating. decided against eating and for drinking. did that. went to the new boy's place. stood outside with him so he could smoke to figure out what the fuck. he said he'd had a bad day, and wanted to hang with his buddies and have some space. i'm supposed to relax - everything is good with us. he just wants to be, basically around everybody he knows except me, 'cause he doesn't want to be around me when he's in the space he's in. but i'm not supposed to take it seriously. it's not supposed to hurt.

fucker.

so i came home. made a date to see someone i went out with once or twice way back in like.. march or something. april maybe - back at the start of this shit with the new boy when there was still r- and i hadn't said 'i'm not seeing anyone else'. i'll let him pick me up, buy me dinner, get me drunk, and maybe let him fuck me. maybe not. if i do i'll be able to step back from the new boy - regain some fucking strength, some fucking emotional distance.

i can't decide if i'm freaking out 'cause i have so much fucking back story and 'cause i like him and i DON'T KNOW HOW HE FEELS and it scares the shit out of me. i told him that - he told me not to be afraid. i've heard that before. he thinks it's nothing to be upset about, and maybe he's right. the other option, though, is that i just don't give a shit. would he prefer that? no, he says, but he'd accept that as who i am. what does that mean?

ah fuck it. i'm not going to give a shit. i'm going to get my hair cut and go back to seeing other people and just let him drift away. or i'm going to try, rather. i've never been much of a master over my own emotions.

hands... shaking... withdrawl... setting.. in

ok my computer is fucked. when i turn it on, it doesn't boot, and the monitor goes straight into the power save mode.

somebody out there must be a smarty pants - help me pretty pretty please?

dilemma

so the porn star wants me to have a threesome with him and one of his buddies. he sent me a photo - they're of a similar size and body shape, which leads me to believe they may be similarly endowed (*fans self*). they're both good looking men. the temptation is... there.

so what to do about The New Boy? The New Boy who i just talked to for a half an hour. The New Boy who wants to take me for for a drink, and for dinner, and maybe to the movies tomorrow night 'cause i'm feeling a little neglected in that boyfriend/girlfriend one on one sort of attention. The New Boy who is very sweet and who scares me to my core 'cause i actually really like him?

how does he stack up when i close my eyes and think of being between two men who outweigh me by probably close to 80lbs each; who tower over me; TWO of them? together? at the same time? mouths, hands, arms... all that stuff.

see, this is my problem with having a boyfriend. am i willing to give up the chance to *DO* shit like this, because i told someone that i wasn't going to see other people anymore?

oooooo purity test...

My Purity Report - Compared to Others
Category	- Lower - - Low - --- Average --- - High - - Higher -
Sexual:	99%
Homosexual:	99%
Nerdiness:	27%
Healthiness:	43%
Financial:	56%
Criminal:	93%
Drug Use:	99%
Grossness:	70%
Report By NerdTests.com. Click Here to get your purity scores!

whatdja get, huh?

wonder

what china would make of us here at the sundae sanatorium?

upon consulting the runes after an evening of bad dreams about The New Boy

The Wyrd
Destiny / The Unknowable
The White Rune
________________________________________________________________________

This is the Rune of absolute trust. In its symbolism, the White Rune represents real hope: a present full of possibilities. Both pregnant and empty, it keeps within it the force of an undiluted potential. All your fertile dreams and your highest well-being are contained in its whiteness. It often requires an act of courage equal to jumping into the void with empty hands.

The Wyrd reminds you that the past obstacles could well become the doors that open towards new beginnings. The Void is the end, the Void is the beginning.
________________________________________________________________________

chocolate croissant

i've gotten into the bad habit of picking up a chocolate croissant and a coffee from the 'bucks down the way from The New Boy's place when i leave in the mornings. at first, i tried to tell myself that it was hangover prevention. however, this morning, being no hangover to ward off, i used the "wow these must be fresh - the shop JUST opened" justification. i can feel my gut grow even as we speak - sadly, my ass remains un-plump.

goshfukkit i need an adventure. The New Boy is off surfing with 'the boys' for the weekend. i look forward to laundry and a market day with my mama. how did i become so dull so quickly? i recall the heady days of fucking in a churchyard in the pouring rain. that was, what, six weeks ago? no.. longer now i think.

hold up here, it's not all that bad - yesterday morning i arrived home at 5.35am, covered in olive oil and sweat - still half drunk on red wine and sex - hopped into the shower and went to work. last night i went to the beach to eat sushi and drink beer. crawled into bed. arms wrapped tightly around me.. slow kisses on the lips, the cheek, the eyes. the neck. whisper in my ear - "baby did you come lots last night?" oh yes. "kiss me. take me all in. make me come with your mouth".

---

(colleague says to me "what's up with rori?" not sure, i reply. he's 'making things work' with his g.f. i only hear from him when things are rocky or he's bored with the sex. "well you wouldn't fuck him anymore anyway, would you? because of The New Boy?" no, i respond. of course not. but that's not really the truth, is it? would i fuck him again? i don't know.... that's the true answer)

x-treme lite

so i'm doing the 'drive of shame' home at 6.45-ish this morning (after having stopped at 'bucks for a grande americano, natch) and find myself travelling behind a trailer with 'X-TREME LITE' plastered across the back of it.

normally i would have applied my clicker and left such nonsense safely behind, where it could not pollute my brainwaves with it's '90s marketing faux edginess, but (being still half asleep) i followed for a while and stared blankly in disbelief.

X-TREME LITE? what does that even MEAN? it's like white water kayaking, but in a swimming pool? rock-climbing, but on an elementary school jungle gym? surfing, but on the internet?

hmphf.

bad joke alert

courtesy of popbitch...

Q: What did the German watch repairer say to his
watch that would only go 'tick, tick, tick'?


A: Ve have vays of making you tock.

help, please

ok so here's the thing. i have this strong sense of foreboding in my belly - like my spidey senses are all telling me that there's something *not right* with me and the new boy.

however, for all intents and purposes, things seem to be fine. we all know my propensity for Le Grand Freak Out. so am i just freaking out? are things just so good that i'm projecting my fears and insecurities onto the situation as a sick way of self-destruction? or are things actually not good?

yesterday when i left his house i called and asked if everything was ok. "of course," he replied. he had just seemed a little off. "relax - everything's fine. don't freak out," he told me.

relax. everything is fine. don't freak out.

except my gut's pretty good. is it my gut? or is it my fucked up head, trying to make a pre-emptive split? you know, the classic 'bust out before you get busted out' move?

advice, please.

tfgif

all i can say is thank fucking christ it's finally friday. this has been a long crappy week - on par with the long crappy weeks i was having at the end of last summer. there's no rhyme nor reason to it, really. i've got the utes a bit, and work has been less than satisfying, but seriously - i had a long weekend last weekend, i got lots of sun, i saw my sister (yay! sister!), The New Boy is grand... i've just felt like crapola.

so hopefully this weekend will bring... a change. a new weather system. a new something 'cause i don't think i can take much more.....