so true!

You Are From the Sun

Of all your friends, you're the shining star. You're dramatic - loving attention and the spotlight. You're a totally entertainer and the life of the party. Watch out! The Sun can be stubborn, demanding, and flirty. Overall, you're a great leader and great friend. The very best!

What Planet Are You From?

later that lazy sundae

today was one of those magical days where time shifts itself to perfectly match my mood: lazy; langorous; like a cat stretching in the sunshine. i somehow managed to spend some quality mom&daughter time; run an errand or two; change the linens; get my fuzzy winter sheets & blankets out of storage and put my summer things into storage; wrap some christmas gifts; spend an hour and a half or so with the kiddo outside of starbucks in the sunshine, sipping coffee, watching girls go by and pondering friendship and all its nuances; make an apple/raspberry crisp; talk to a friend who has just moved out of the apartment he shared with his girlfriend for a year; and discuss the merits and delights of a web journal with new convert the divine ms. u.

now, as i sit here nursing a full belly and a cup of tea, i'm thinking about putting my jammies on, getting my things ready for tomorrow and climbing into bed to watch cold case and law & order.

all seems to be right with the world.....





(knock wood)

lazy sundae

i miss snow.

every girl needs a boy like mikeb

one who will get up and brunch with you, and commiserate with you, and kick your ass when you do silly things like get hung up on boys who aren't worth it, and spend most of the day watching you try on dresses and giving you an honest opinion so you look cute at your christmas party, and take you to your christmas party, and take you to his christmas party, and generally be... well.... mike b.

loveyoubebe

growing up?

just after christmas last year, i had a falling out with someone with whom i'd been friends for a really long time. like, he was part of my family friends. like, when you put him and my real brother together, it sort of seems like they were separated at birth friends. like, on my first day of university, i saw him drinking a combination of peppermint herbal tea and hot chocolate and was both disturbed and fascinated, so had to meet him friends.

anyhoo, just after christmas we had a falling out. it had been building for a while - i felt like every time i called him he was too busy to hang out. it seemed like when he did call me to spend time, he purposefully asked me to do things that he knows i hate. things like that.

so we had this falling out. it wasn't a disagreement - it never came to that. you see, my habit is to just... close... the door. i ended the friendship. i didn't say anything. i didn't try to talk. i just.. shut it town.

i have a really hard time dealing with my feelings, you see, and a worse time communicating them. i turtle into myself and shut everyone out. i become a hermit and screen my calls and wait for everyone to go away, and eventually they all do. and why wouldn't they? this ultimately proves (in my mind) that i didn't really have any friends to begin with, and i'm better off on my own, and look here i am all alone etc etc etc.

now, this is an aspect of my personality i'm trying to change. i'm trying to talk about my feelings, and not keep myself closed off. i'm trying to let people in, and discuss it when i get hurt, or feel alone. (ok this new philosophy has opened up a whole can of hurt with you-know-who, but we won't go there, ok?) although, i did just blow off captain average without saying anything. oh, and bad-part-of-town guy. but come on, now. baby steps, here. i'm trying.

so anyway... toad(my friend)'s presence was noticably absent from my thanksgiving table last month. i don't think he's missed one in years. and i started thinking about it; about the stupidity of ending a friendship that had lasted for so long without a conversation, without a word. and i started thinking about how i didn't want him to be noticably absent from the game playing appie eating extravaganza that is christmas eve in my house. so.... i sucked it up and called on the weekend. i left a "just wanted to say hi" message. and he called me back last night. we are going for sushi tomorrow.

from the lovely hunny hun hun

Your first name of (raspberry's mild mannered alter ego) has given you energy, drive, and ambition, but also an almost excessively strong-willed and independent nature. While you are creative, inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, and always ready to initiate and promote new undertakings, you often experience difficulty in bringing your undertakings to a successful conclusion because of your own changing interests or changing circumstances. You become intensely involved with everything you plan to do, but the stress arising from frustrating obstacles or misunderstandings with others could prompt you to be intolerant and sarcastic in your expression, with breakdowns in congenial relations with family and friends a possible end result. Any emotional outbursts or moods would register as tension in your solar plexus, resulting in nervous indigestion and related problems. Tension could also centre in the head affecting the eyes, ears, sinuses, or teeth. True relaxation and peace of mind are elusive under this name.

all this time i've been blaming allergies.. it's all about my *name*!

You Are Gwen Stefani! All guys dream about you And all the girls want to be you "Sappy pathetic little me That was the girl I used to be"

why is there no unky-mood for bronte-esque?

i keep checking my own blog for updates. alas, nothing.

wunjo

my rune this evening says this:

Wunjo
Joy / Light
Comfort

This Rune announces a state of security and relaxation, a sense of well-being. Light is finally peeking through the clouds, fruits hang heavy on the branches, and bad times are finally staying behind.

You may see yourself surrounded by joy, pleasure and comfort both at home and outside. There is clarity and a new energy that will allow you to understand, to balance, to renew yourself and your personal relations.

Necessary changes have already been carried out, and now you may rejoice and receive Wunjo's blessings freely.

i like that. i'm not sure what the changes were, but i have, in the past few weeks, felt like i've crossed over a threshold of some sort or another.

i've also come to the conclusion that the internet dating thing is not for me. i know some people have had a great deal of success with it, but i need the heat and the spark of that first face to face meeting.. of eyes meeting across a room; of seeing someone who's so attractive that you cannot tear your gaze away; of dancing and brushing up against him. i need that. for me, to chat with a man over the computer or telephone before ever seeing him diffuses it, diminishes it. is it that way only for me?

movie night in canada

what with the cbc playing sepia-toned reruns of 1970's era hockey showdowns, what is a hot blooded canadian girl to do on a saturday night? why, pay $15 to support the american media machine of course....

last night mike b and i went to see 'national treasure', the latest nicholas cage vehicle. it's... not bad. definately no 'indiana jones', though it aspires to be. i'd say it's on par with the first 'tomb raider' (yes i liked tomb raider. lara croft is hoooootttt. plus, jon voigt plays the dad in this one too). anyhoo.

i think the highlight of the film for me is when ben (n. cage's character) takes a moment to step out of the plot and read what is, to him, the most important line in the declaration of independence: "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new guards for their future security".

now, since it has very little to do with what is happening in the plot at the moment (i don't believe that having the fbi and the office of homeland security dismiss your conspiracy theories as so much fluffernutter counts as abuse by your government) i can't help but think this was a well timed, deliberate political statement being made by either jerry bruckheimer, john (?) turtletaub, nic cage, or all three.

where it fails for me is that instead of cleverly weaving the political statement into the body of the film, the writers decided instead to hit the audience over the head with it. i read a review of the film which calls the riley character a metaphor for the audience - sort of stunned and needing to have every single thing explained for him outright. i'm not sure i'd be that unkind - it was a fun movie, if nothing else. and maybe the american film-going public is that thick. they did re-elect GW, after all. but i prefer having to interpret the underlying meanings of my texts like hunting for water with a divining rod, or for truths with the runes: not an exact science, and absolutely open for discussion.

new game!

apparently, the deal is called 'blog it forward'. the idea is that i talk about three people, then they go on and talk about three people etc. lemon-love-of-my-life pulled me in (and again, the raspberry and fun? hand in hand) so here are my three picks.

mike b is my wingman, my partner in crime, my non-sexual life mate. we do stuff together - meaningless stuff and meaningful stuff. i cry on his shoulder, i sleep in his bed. mike b gives me faith in men. please be advised that he blogs sporadically at best. it's kind of like finding money in your pocket - doesn't happen very often, but when it does it brings a smile...

mr. newly, though not so newly single... i found his blog one day through blogger's "recently updated" feature, i think, and was hooked pretty much immediately. he's funny, he's sincere, he gets bitter often enough to be interesting. plus i'm living vicariously through his international dating exploits.

swizz i discovered via lemon's site, i think. she lives in the same town as me, and every time i go dancing i peer about looking for this girl. keep in mind that i've never met her, so i'm looking for her the way she exists only in my imagination, but that's pretty fun, isn't it? i suspect we'd have a grand old time if we ever did meet....

so there you go kids - your turn now.

ps - i would have added maktaaq, cause reading her blog regularly is what inspired me to write my own, but i was sad to notice, the other day, that she is hanging up her keyboard. kisses, maktaaq, where-ever you may roam...

coconut bread

i'm eating for comfort. i wish to bury myself in layers of food. bring on the carbs, the fat, the protein. i'm seeking out the foods of someone else's childhood - potato and onion perogies, crisp and golden from the pan. turkey smokeys (organic, with no preservatives, from a local farm), skin popping at the teeth, juices dripping down the chin. shards of crusty loaves doused in hearty vegetable stews. i want foods soothing and spicy. i want foods dark and rich and decadent to the tongue. i want bitter chocolate and coca cola. i want buttery croissants dripping in milk chocolate. i want mexican hot chocolate - sweet and creamy and redolant of cinnamon.

someone feed me. someone set me to the table and bring me course after course. i want to eat till i cannot put another morsel to my lips. i need to be nourished physically - fuck this spiritual asceticism; i revel in gluttony and hedonism. feed me till i'm sated, finally satisfied, finally at peace.

is it friday yet?

how is it that i just had a minibreak and already i need a holiday?

last night i was doodling around with my 'puter and the porn star beeped me. "wanna play?" he asked... silly question. of course raspberry wants to play. raspberry lives to play. so off i went to visit his house by the ocean. i was hoping for an operation rematch, but he decided to play a game which i suck at. naturally, being a guy, he opted to make it a 'strip' version of the game. sure enough, within no time at all, there's miss raspberry naked on his couch while he sat fully clothed giggling on the chair opposite me.

mind you, as i pointed out to him some time later, it was quite a bit easier for me to get him naked than vice versa. took way less time, too. grrrrr.

look at me raspb'y christmas-shopper!

i don't think i've ever, in my entire life, been this far ahead of the consumer game. i have something for both my brother and sister. i bought a lovely sweater for my mama today, and have the kiddo's gifts almost all purchased. i am short prezzies only for my dad (the worst of the lot, truth be told), my sister's boyfriend, mike b, and lemon and lime.

how organized am i?!? nothing like altruistic retail therapy. ok in all honest, i bought myself a black cashmere/angora blend vneck sweater today, too. sue me :-)

anonymous II

so i don't generally allow anonymous commenting. i figure, if you've got something worth saying, you should at least allow people a way to respond to you on a personal level - especially since everything on this blog is 'on a personal level' for me, right?

but i do go in and look at the blocked comments on occasion. today, i noticed two worth responding to, so here they are:

1) I told you not to do it, and you got mad because the message was sent anonymously. You interfered in a marriage, and I think that is wrong. But more importantly at this point, you are being strung along and your feelings are being disrespected and dragged through the mud. DON'T DO IT. Not because of some high moralistic position on someone else's marriage, but because you deserve more and better.

Be *good* and be *true* to yourself; I just don't think the choices you have been making are either right now.

2) It doesn't matter if it was anonymous or not. People only want to hear or read what suits them.

Really, look over all of your previous posts and step out of yourself when you read them. Can you not see what's going on? This is not a movie, not a sit com. This is your life, and you only have one go at it. Plus, what kind of model are you for the young person in your life? Do you think that this is teaching him a positive view of women? Is it teaching him to respect women? To respect their strength and give them his best?

The people who comment and say nothing except sweet supportive bullshit are not your friends. Your friends love and support you, but give you truth. And because you are their friend too, you trust what they say and know that it's in the spirit of love.

Start thinking with your freaking head.

so i'm not going to unblock these two. however, i will respond thusly: you may notice that my friends give me sweetness and support. this is not bullshit - this, too, is truth. as an anonymous party you are privy to only a snapshot of my life. you see only the bits of pieces of information which i choose to write about. you don't see or have access to the parts of my history which make me vulnerable to these sorts of situations. you don't know that i have very little self esteem, and that i get completely caught up in keeping the other people in my life happy, but have very few tools for doing these things for myself. you probably have no idea that you can get me to do pretty much anything in the world you want me to simply by coming to me and telling me you need my help. also, there is a great deal that goes on that i *don't* write about. my friends do know these things, and so when you see sweetness and support it is coming from a knowledge of the larger story. know, too, that they tell me the hard things to my face - which is as it should be.

furthermore, the 'young person' in my life has no idea. i keep my private life very private. as far as he's concerned, we're friends, and nothing more. he's never seen any other side of it, or any inappropriate behaviour. for god's sake - this child has seen me tipsy exactly once. he's spent his life surrounded by beautiful, strong, educated women. respecting them is NOT an issue.

there. i've given you your forum. i'm not interested in only hearing the shiny happy bits. it's just my journal and i get to say who does and doesn't speak here.

i stole this from maktaaq

"If there is someone on your friends list who you would either like to tie down and have your way with, teasing them mercilessly and making them beg for release, or have them tie YOU down, post this exact same sentence in your journal."

back on the bus

symbolic for that cross country matrix
       shift.
point a to point be amid the unwashed
thrift of humanity.

ken kesey took us fuuuurther. i am
       doomed       to       ride
the number 10 round and round the block
unable to shake
myself
from the stasis which is this
rainy winter day.

i no longer wish to be part of your feedback loop.

yet

yet

      you
            continuously
                  rewind
the spools of film to watch the
same
sequence
unfurl
between the
bang! flash! pop! of

heat
and
sex
and
argument.

plot synopsis

ok so i think the best way of summing up this weekend is through the words of the actual participants. please note that these are not actors - these are real people speaking real words.

• "Vive la Beav!"
  
• "What happens in Whistler, stays in Vegas."
  
• "Oh man, my face hurts from laughing!"
  
• "Scruuuuunch!"
  
• "Nono! It's not just a vest, it's an ensemble
  
• "God Bless Whistler!"
  

i am not a consolation prize.

that's all.

working hard or hardly working?

would you believe that three different people have asked me that question today? just because i have the music cranked and am sitting here in my sweats doesn't mean that i ain't tussling with a spreadsheet. that's right. i said tussling. whatcha gonna do about it?

speaking of working hard, this is my horoscope for today:

Although you appear as if you're mulling your options to the rest of the world, events are bending themselves to your wishes. Hope and desire are tangible forces after all. If romance hijacks your life for a little while -- well, whoopee! You deserve this. Turn off the ringer and stop checking your email every five minutes. An uninterrupted night of relaxation should be the only thing on your mind right now.

that's not bad, huh? especially since i have a potential evening with the porn star (he had plans already but was going to see if he could juggle. i like a man who can juggle).

random thought: do you think that tim armstrong's grandkids will understand how monumentally cool he was? or david bowie's? or eminem's? or will they just be a potty old grandparent driven to early senility by years of hard living? odd thing to think about, i guess, but i've been contemplating both of my grandfathers today. when you hear the stories of your grandparents' youth, what do you think? did you have the opportunity to know their stories? or did you, in the arrogance of youth, think that it was not that important, or that you had all the time in the world?

a date with captain average

ok so i didn't go. so what. sue me.

i was up late last night talking to the porn star and to the new one (the porn star being the surfer boy from last weekend - this name seems more fitting considering his.... erm.... fittings, if you know what i'm saying). the new one has a great voice. captain average is nice but, well, average. decisions, decisions....

i told mr. m today that i was going to do everything in my power to ensure that we didn't end up "together" again. basically, i said to come back when he has the papers in hand. if that's never, then it's never - so be it, but this back and forth thing is killing me. sooooo... we can be friends, but seriously, that's it. he cried, i cried. a good time was had by all. this conversation precipitated a phone call in which he told me that he is consumed by thoughts of me; that he has never, ever felt the physical connection that he and i have with another woman; that he has never had the intellectual relationship that he and i share with another woman, including his wife. he told me that he can't stop thinking about the amazing time we have spent together, and that he doesn't know if he will ever get over me. i didn't really need to hear that, since i'm trying to be strong and stick to my resolve.

bleh.

after movie thinkin'

so mikeb and i (along with a friend of his) went to see alfie last night, then for drinks and a bite to eat after. i really liked it - i like jude law (mmmmm jude law) and i loved the way that the costume designer integrated the look and feel of the original film through the clothing and makeup of the characters, particularly the female characters. it was stylish and well put together.

the mood of the group, however, was quiet after the film - mike b found it depressing cause there were no answers - it's just a snapshot of his life and, at the end, he continues on. there's no resolution - it doesn't show you that he ends up in love with a beautiful woman and wonderful friends. and, to an extent, i can really relate to this. i fully embrace the idea that i'm single, and free, and answer to no one. but, at the end of the day, will i be going home alone to my studio apartment and have no one to spend christmas with? i've spent some serious time thinking about this stuff.. i really miss the companionship and connection you get when you are in a relationship. you can have it, to a certain extent, with your closest friends - and there are levels of intimacy that you reach with your friends that you may not reach with your boy/girlfriend - but there's a deeper connection when you add the sexual contact - when you bond yourselves physically as well as emotionally. and i miss having that bond, the easy physical contact. and, let's not kid, i really really like sex. everything about sex - especially when it's of the 'often' and 'good' variety.

where am i going with this post? nowhere i guess. the film jus got me thinking. i like the idea of going home to someone. i like the idea of being out dancing with my girls and struggling home to crawl into bed to someone who's been waiting for me to do just that. bleh. weird - i'm lonely and yet i'm not. i'm feeling disconnected, but last weekend, when i was visiting with lemon and lime, i felt totally at home. i get that sense of belonging with my friends - maybe it's just the sex i miss.

red raspberry

i love new hair. makes me feel so chipper. of course, it also makes me want to find boys to ravage. mmm ravage. good word.

lemon sent me some saucy photos of last weeks party. there are several of me, and i'm delighted to say that neither my boobs nor my tongue are hanging out in any of them. so i can assume that i was drunk, but not *that* drunk, even if i did make out with the surfer boy in the hot tub. mmm surfer boy... mmm ravage...

i called him the other day... should i have done so? lime says that boys are dumb and either they lose phone numbers or they think that we don't really want them to call. so i called. now really i should wait for him to call me, but i'm not very patient. hang on, i'll consult the runes... just a sec, won't be a mo...

Fehu Possessions / Nourishment The Common Wealth
This is the Rune of realization: an ambition satisfied, a love conquered, a reward received. It often signals the presence of abundant nourishment of all kinds, physical as well as spiritual.

Nevertheless, it reminds you that in moments of good fortune we run the risk of getting carried away by success, thus behaving imprudently. Fehu advises you to be aware of this so as to not let it happen.

Enjoy your good fortune and don't forget to share it: the good will of feeding others is a sign of a well-fed being.

what the f**k does that mean? hmph. should i call? should i not call? damn these internet fortune telling devices and their mysterious ways....

he said / she said

recent conversation:

she: "did you tell her that we've been together since the last time you promised never again"
he: "no"
she: "you know you are going to have to tell her. she deserves to know that you aren't keeping your promises, and you don't want her to find out by accident"
he: "i know. it's keeping me up at night. if i tell her i did it again, that's it. i'm out. she won't forgive me. twice was enough - three times is you're out."
she (snaps head around quizzically): "seriously? she won't go through with it"
he: "no, this time i think she will"
she (quiet for a few minutes, watching the river): "and you knew this before we were together again?"
he: "yup."
she: "so why did you do it then? if you knew that she would not take it anymore, that you'd reached the limits of her tolerance?"
he: "i don't know. i just can't resist you. not that way. i'm so attracted to you."
she (bursts out): "that's so not fair! that puts all the onus on me! this isn't my fault!"
he: "i know. i just..." (touches her face) "i really care about you." (leans in for a kiss)

todae's horoscope:

"No matter how hard you try to push them out of your life, some things just won't go away. The thing that you hoped most to forget is back in your face again. You have no other choice at the moment -- you must accept and integrate the person who has reappeared in your life. The current circumstances are quick to remind you that until now, you've had it your way for a long time. It's important for you to remember that reaching a compromise isn't the same thing as giving up."

ARRRRGGGGGGG

hee hee hee

i called the surfer boy. talked for an hour. hee hee.
i'm such a geek. the lime got me the number. i called it. he answered. an 'operation' rematch is in the works. i asked "were you letting me win in an effort to seduce me?" his response: "fuck no! if i could have won i'd have kicked your ass in a heartbeat!" at least he's honest lol.

the apocolypse may very well be nigh

i heard on the radio this morning that anne geddes and celine dion have collaborated on an album. be afraid.

an letter to america (apologies to newly and another drink)

BUCK FUSH


clear enough, kids?