dimanche, juillet 30

welcome to planet sexor

uhhhh my brain is still kinda like cabbage...
and with that insightful introduction i bring you.... raspberry sundae. shit.
and here you were hoping for my usual wit and wonder.... surprise!

ok weekend update - friday was a madcap rusharound packing of the upstairs office and moving everything downstairs. i had a mild hissy fit as certain people chose to sit around chatting instead of helping with the shitty file moving but whatever - these things shouldn't surprise me anymore, now should they? mm let's see.. drove the bosslady home, hit the banque, picked up sushi for the kiddo, tried on every piece of clothing in my closet, got back in the car and rush rush rushed to the architect's house. pass a roaring wildfire on granville street (american hippies infiltrating the city, burning raping and pillaging as they sack vancouver), fly up macdonald, park right out front, in the front door breathe.....

out the door in his car stop for beer drive aimlessly till we find the house of the boyfriend of his friend 'she's a little aggressive. if she pisses you off tell her to fuck off or tell me and i will' 'i think i'll be ok' she's lovely we held hands and danced but wait wait screeeech to a halt i went to jr high with her boyfriend and how weird is THAT. second house people drinking cake to be eaten ms u shows up dressed to kill. i drop a pill we swap shoes she can't do heels and dance all night hit the club. mstrkrft.

more drinks more drugs kissing in the dark feels so good show winds up hit the gorg dancing till dawn driving home via new west crawling into my bed pull the shades dog snoring on the floor lie there and twitch don't really sleep wake up kissing drink coffee drive to his house haven't eaten in 24 hours brain dead.

kissing fucking biting licking fall asleep under the fan no blankets wake up walk in the sun buy groceries get lost in the wine store bbq with candles on the sundeck pull out the hideabed movie in the dark crawl into bed mmm holding him in my mouth fall asleep wrapped up in his arms my head his chest.

8am alarm wait don't go morning is my favourite. he leaves i shower back in the car wander the drive brunch back to his place lie on the floor don't really watch the movie climb on top 'you really aren't fucking around this time are you?' 'actually that's exactly what i'm doing' fall asleep again naked bodies stuck together wake up eat ice cream kiss walks me to my car 'i had a really fun weekend, thank you' he says kisses me more slaps my ass drive home.


jeudi, juillet 27

he doesn't look a thing like jesus but he talks like a gentleman

i love it when perfectly normal looking people turn out to be freaky - when they tell you that they like to be bitten too, in fact it gets them really hard; when you grab a big handful of their ass fingernails and all and they gasp and shudder with pleasure.

i kinda didn't expect last night to go the way it did.. was supposed to be dinner and dessert and wine and fireworks on the roof, in more-or-less that order. instead it went dinner, wine, fireworks, fireworks, dessert, fireworks.

of course two of those batches of fireworks were of the non-pyrotechnic variety, if you get my drift. no less incendiary, just not particularly for public consumption.

well, of course, with the exception of the poor person who opened the door to the rooftop deck without making noise sufficient enough to warn anyone that it was going to happen.


the nerve.

in other news... i'm about to have my house to myself for like the first time in four years... the kiddo is off to k-town and the folks won't be upstairs 'cause they are going to see my brother. it's kind of a weird prospect. i feel as though i should be throwing a kegger or something. alas.. i don't like most of the highschool kids in ladner so i'll pass this time. instead i'll probably just have the architect over on saturday night to get drunk on the beach in tssawwassen.

the kiddo is actually leaving next week to spend the bulk of august with his dad, so i'll be childless for like three weeks or something. i always feel really weird when he's not around - sort of lost. it's funny 'cause we can go for a few days without seeing each other fairly regularly, but it's different when i can't peek in on my way to work in the morning and see him and the dog stretched out on the bed, or when i don't see the evidence of midnight munchie runs or or or..

well, you know what i mean.


mardi, juillet 25

it's like a little prayer

i was wasting time at work this afternoon when my (real life) little brother told me of a near miss he'd had this morning..

[13:52] raspberry's brother: oh, hey, i almost got run over by a nun today
[13:53] raspberry: WAT?
[13:53] raspberry's brother: i was walking across the street, in the crosswalk... the nun was in a car that was stopped, and so I crossed, and then she started going
[13:53] raspberry's brother: so i had to step back to avoid the rapture
[13:53] raspberry: LOL
[13:53] raspberry: she's recruiting
[13:53] raspberry's brother: she did not see me until she was right beside me
[13:53] raspberry's brother: i guess!
[13:53] raspberry: why should the jehovahs witnesses get all the fun?
[13:54] raspberry's brother: well, if they had told me that we were allowed to run people over, i might have not stopped going to mass
[13:54] raspberry: no shit, huh?
[13:54] raspberry: like you get points for how many people you take out?
[13:54] raspberry: i wonder if there are more points for sinners or less
[13:54] raspberry: like is it a sliding scale?
[13:54] raspberry's brother: must be! maybe that's what the points for driver's licenses are for
[13:55] raspberry's brother: well i would think we'd get extra points for taking out Protestants
[13:55] raspberry: well tithing is 10% of your income...
[13:55] raspberry: yeah you'd think
[13:55] raspberry: or those darned mormons
[13:55] raspberry's brother: and the gentle ba'hai!
[13:55] raspberry: omg the kaballlah
[13:56] raspberry: madonna i'm comin for you
[13:56] raspberry: can you imagine?
[13:56] raspberry: i'd be bumpin jesus from the right hand throne for SURE

oh wow i'm going to hell....

a rose on my birthday deathbed

day two of going commando under a skirt at work and i gotta say when it's thirty degrees outside and you come in from lunch, turn on the fan under your desk and oh-so-subtly spread your knees.... it's kinda orgasmic.

the general psychological malaise and crankiness i was feeling before my vacation has more or less returned. i'm not sure what to do about it. frontal lobotomy, perhaps?

another thing - does anyone remember the tv show 'boston commons'? i had a dream that i was getting married to anthony clark (or boyd, for former fans like myself) in mexico, and that he wanted to have the ceremony on the beach. i was strongly against this because i was unsure of how easy it would be for the photographer to photoshop all of the naked boobies out of the wedding pictures. this was of particular concern to me because my grandmother had made the trip down for the festivities, and she'd been sunbathing topless since her arrival.

you know.. 'cause that might happen.

dimanche, juillet 23

you get me closer to god

he rolled over and opened his eyes, letting them run over my body, sprawled out on top of the blankets, bikini bottoms still on, arm thrown across my eyes in defense against the morning sunshine. the memory of his teeth marked my body - he touched it with his finger, his tongue.

'that's how you tell it was a good night' he said as he squeezed my nipple, rolled over and went back to sleep.

vendredi, juillet 21

dirty dancefloors and dreams of naughtiness

i officially have a crush on j-mo. i can't help it. you know how i'm a sucker for the dirty boys... and one who can actually write?


i'm a goner, let's not kid. now i just have to convince him to come to vancouver and play with me tour the city. you know, see the sights, hang at the cambie and watch ciavarro reel in the manatees, stuff like that. good times.

so i got picked up at 6.45 tuesday morning (half an hour late, but hell it's vacation. cheeeelll wihnstahn...) i was with one person from that point almost continuously until nearly elevenpm last night. i thought i was doing well not not kill him *or* myself, cause, you see, there was no sex. nope, none. as i indicated earlier, this person was just... not my type. i need the chemical flashbang of attraction - physical *and* intellectual. from the neck down he was kinda hot... he just wasn't to my taste from the neck up. combined with the absence of intellectual attraction and it all adds up to pyjamas and a solo sleeping bag, no matter how much beer / wine / baileys i had for the evening.

it was a damn good thing i went to visit punkrockboy on the first day of my vay-kay, 'cause sucker was *dry*. the most action i got was the cute waitress at the italian place who was hardcore flirting with me as soon as ... shit i need a name... joe niceguy left the table for any possible reason. so anyway, it was a near miss with the no murder thing, 'cause at least if you are hot for someone physically, you can jump them every time they open their mouth. (see, i'm a FUN vacation buddy). when you *aren't* sleeping with them, you have to make polite conversation.

i'm being catty. he is a genuinely *nice* guy. and he did step up to go on a holiday with someone he's never met before - that takes some balls and i respect that. we just didn't connect. however, if you are in the market for a nice guy who will go out of his way to make sure you are completely comfortable and enjoying yourself (like to the point of running 1.5KM in each direction to bring the last two beer down to the beach yesterday for a final toast) let me know and i will send him your way with a great recommendation.

i'm slowly putting photos up on the buzznet...take a looky-loo if you so desire.. it really is a beautiful chunk of the world. tell you what, j-mo - if you come here before it gets cold i'll take you *there*. deal?

there are roads left in both of our shoes

ok so i'm back and alive, but my liver hurts and i'm sort of the colour of a christmas pointsetta - red on the outside with some white bits in the middle. i'll have some beach pictures later, but i didn't get home till almost 11 last night and was covered in sand and ocean from wave jumping and lying on a (mostly deserted, by the way) beach in the sunshine.

did i mention that my liver hurts?

so i noticed this week that i have little patience for people who are a little thick - like people who sometimes just don't get it, you know? i spent two point five days with one of those people and by the end of that time period i was rubbing my wrists vertical wise against the edge of the car door hoping to surreptiously open a vein.

which isn't to say he wasn't a nice person - au contraire. he was very nice.

just very ... thick.

s'all good - home now, sunburned, cocktails in my future (oh *this* is what coffee tastes like without baileys. i had forgotten...), gonna hang with the kiddo and try and stay out of the sun for a little while.... ok maybe not the sun thing. let's not kid - i'm a sunchild leo cat who stretches in the heat with a sigh of contentment, letting the rays ripple off her body. it's all good. i just need to reapply sunscreen reapply after seawater exfoliation....

missed you xo

ps thanks j-mo for the fun post...

mercredi, juillet 19

Substitue Blogging

Howdy Y’all. J-Mo here.

I’ve been asked to fill in for the absent Raspberry and my what a mighty big bra that is to fill. The girl writes like a champ, fun, sexy, vibrant, yet intelligent and even educational at times. She lives the life of a playgirl giving a fresh story about her latest dating adventure what seems to be every second day. Oh and she posts some of the hottest pictures in the blogosphere including some pretty risqué ones, which of course are my personal favourites.

Now how the hell am I supposed to measure up? I need to write something decent. It needs to be fun yet educational. It should be about a date I’ve had, and it needs to include a bit of nudity.


Wait a tic.......I’ve got it. This will be perfect seeing as Raspberry’s very own will soon be reaching this precious age. The precious age that the dirty old man in me still considers datable. We’re talking the very legal age of 18 and how morally shot the whole lot of them can be.

Let’s set the scene. My drinking partner and I decide to make our way to the beach near our city that all the cool kids flock to one sunny Saturday in the Hammer. It’s now getting late in the afternoon and we had both been drinking all day, but my mate is in a completely different drunken state then I am. I am what you would call buzzed. He is more along the lines of retarded at this point.

As I come back from the lake (I had to pee) My mate is no longer sitting where our towels are. He’s about 100 feet to the left yelling at a couple of cuties in black bikini’s

“You don’t know me! I don’t even know me, how the hell could you know me!” He then plops down beside them.

My cue to arrive. I make my approach and my accomplice notices me arrival first.

“Have you ever seen an ass like this before” he slurs at me as he turns the bottom of her bathing suit in to a thong.

She playfully slaps his hand away, but it’s not without a coy little smile.

Now I think they may have told us at first that they were 21, but we later found out they were 18. Actually they could have never said 21 at all. I might have made that up, but regardless for some reason (I’m guessing the combination of booze and bikinis) we continued to talk to them until it was time to go. Plans for the night were exchanged and they agreed to make the trip in to the hammer later that evening. I’m not sure if we didn’t believe them or just didn’t care, but we proceeded to head back to my house and just continue with the drinking.

Nine o’clock the call comes in and they’re on their way over but need directions. Whoa shower time.

Now this is where the educational part of the post comes in. The moral fiber of society is being torn apart at an exponential rate. With every difference in year, every difference in grade teens are continuing their attempt to act more mature without the wisdom that comes from years of experience. Then add on the role that certain media plays in portraying these morally lax lifestyles and the ease of which the youth of today, with their sponge like minds, have access to it and you have the making of what destroyed the roman empire. Fat, bloated government and sexually promiscuous youth.

Now lets tie that all in to my story.

As the girls arrive my mate and I are out on the front porch. It’s about ten o’clock and the sun has just dipped behind the last house leaving the neighbourhood draped in darkness. Immediately the conversation for these two innocent, yet deadly hot ladies turns to sex. I’m shocked to hear how casually they tell us how much they love sex. The one girl even professes to give the best blowjobs ever. Of course my mate and I are doing nothing to stifle this conversation. We pry on their leads and push the conversation forward. As the topic of blowjobs has now come up we continue on down the path, or shaft, to the discussion of balls.

“I love licking balls” the one girls says.

“really!?!” I reply in a sort of impressed, but skeptic tone.

“Oh of course” she returns.

My mate, while currently playing with my phone, blurts out “why don’t you lick his balls right now”

“sure” she replies.

It’s ten-thirty on a Saturday night, out on my front porch, and this dead sober girl that I only met earlier in the afternoon and have spent a total of one hour with is already willing to lick my balls as our friends watch. In an attempt to call her bluff my balls jump from the fly of my jeans. My mate switches the phone to camera mode and informs her that this will need to be photographed for prosperity. She gets lost in the big words but smiles and brushes the blonde hair from her face as she begins to bend over.

Say cheese!

Sorry about the shitty quality, but it took us nine tries just to get one this decent!

lundi, juillet 17

Danke Schoen, Auf Wiedersehn, Danke Schoen

ok one last post before i wander off to either certain doom (picture raspberry hitch hiking down the island highway, tent in one hand, cooler full of beer in the other) or certain fun (picture raspberry staggering towards the beach, sunscreen in one hand, half-full bottle of red wine in the other).

however, do not fret, my friends, i am leaving you in the capable hands of ridley.

he doesn't know this yet, but i figure he'll find out soon enough.

or j-mo, if he wants to write dirty. hang on, i'll send the invite... annnnnd done.

hm. this could get interesting.

bye kids! don't fight with your sister and be good to grandma while i'm gone.


and just because..

celebrating the freedom of speech, read possibly the funniest post ever written (thanks spo), as well as the reason ridley ain't gettin married anytime soon.

ah this shit (heh) kills me.....

lotta love a lotta luggage for a lotta reasons

so i've been, of late, a little lax in reading through my blogroll - not for any particular reason other than the fact that it's been way sunny out and i've been busybusy and stressed out beyond comprehension.

so anyway, today i was flipping through the list when i came across this post by the hot librarian. you know, i'm ...

i'm not even sure what i want to say at this point. the post itself is interesting to me because i, too, hit puberty at a very young age. i remember what it was like to be in PE class and get hassled by the other girls because i had breasts when they didn't - and the thin tshirt fabric of training bras does *nothing* to shield you from chilly gymnasium air, if you get my draft. i mean drift. *ahem*.

as well, i know what it is like to be called a slut for.. well every reason imaginable - whether i deserve it or not. but whatever - we've btdt in this blog (discussed my slut-dom or lack thereof, i mean) and i don't want to dwell on that particular topic again.

what i really wanted to point out was a blog thread which branched off of thl's original post. fatwalker says "The Hot Librarian is in need of prayer. Less anger and profanity. I suggest Heartcall: The Call to Prayer.365 daily devotionals from women that will encourage, teach, and unite women to pray evangelistically for lost women". fans of the hot librarian immediately rose to her defense - she is an articulate, interesting, and downright funny writer - but for me the larger issue is not thl's slut-dom or purity, but rather the implication that only 'morally right' (in both senses of the word) people should be librarians or, to broaden the spectrum, teachers.

i have some major issues with this. shocking, i know.

first of all let me quote my own comment to fatwalker: "libraries should not be 'wholesome' because that term is very exclusive - which is to say that it excludes all texts determined by the overall power structure to be *not* wholesome. in setting up this oppositional structure, we risk censoring (yes censoring) the artistic voice and the individual right to freedom of expression. how many books, which we now consider great works of literature, were once banned because they were considered 'not wholesome'?" the nazis burned books which they thought to be unwholesome. indeed, every civilization governed by extremest voices (including the united states) has attempted to silence any voice which it determined a threat to its own dogmatism.

who decides what piece of art, what text, is fit or unfit for public consumption? in 1999, a highschool in savannah, georgia that required its seniors obtain parental permission to read hamlet, macbeth and king lear. on the other hand, the canadian government has fairly strict anti-hate laws set in place to protect its subjects from vitriolic propaganda such as holocaust denial, white power literature, and other hatemongering trash. but can we make that distiction? does freedom of speech not apply unilaterally? how can we say 'my friends and i can say what we want but, since your opinions, or lifestyle, or skincolour, differs from ours - you cannot'?

where do we draw the line? can we trust our governments to keep libraries secular? or, does religion belong in the libraries and schools, in the seeming absence of a larger societal morality? at what point is the governing body protecting its citizens, and at what point are they engaging in censorship?

further reading:

dimanche, juillet 16

take a picture of something you see

so i've been a music downloading machine the past few days - like i cannot even begin to describe how the sheer joy being visited upon my by the piracy. that damn johnny depp and his wiley ways....

as long as i don't start *running* like that, i will be ok with the bad influence, that's all i gotta say.

so two weekends - two movies and the two could not be further from each other than... green eggs and ham.

so a brief comparison of disney's 'dead man's chest' and art linklater's 'a scanner darkly'

1) dead man - based on a disneyland ride; scanner - based on a philip k dick novel.
2) dead man - stars johnny depp, a dynamic actor pretending to be a cartoon; scanner - stars keanu reeves, a wooden actor rendered dynamic by being turned into a cartoon.
3) dead man - live action film that acts like a cartoon; scanner - cartoon that acts like a live action film
4) uh yeah that's all i've got.

comparing these two films is like comparing ... well, apples and oranges to utilize a cliche. i really enjoyed both - despite the negative reviews, i thought dead man's chest delivered exactly what it promises - a rolicking swashbuckling good time. no plot? what were you expecting from a disney movie based on a THEME PARK RIDE for fuck's sake. scanner, though, is possibly the best filmic interpretation of another medium that i have seen since... well possibly ever. i asked the kiddo, as we were getting up to leave the theatre, what he thought. he said, in kind of a shaky voice, 'i don't know yet. i have to process'. when we got out to the parking lot, i asked him again. 'it blew my mind.', he stated simply, and i had to concur.

when i got home i chatted on msn to a friend who had also just seen it. we were both kind of shellshocked. it's a GREAT film. go see it.

ps - if you are into hiphop at all, find a copy of dj format - fabriclive. great GREAT set.


vendredi, juillet 14

relax don't do it (when you want to)

oh this vay-kay is off to a fine start. after waking up completely randy, chatting on the 'puter, downloading some wicked tunes (i highly recommend the herbaliser - fabriclive), i went downtown to have lunch with mr.pessimist and went on a hunt for thai food...and then... oh then my friends, i went to the westbeach sample sale and spent like a madwoman. i got the kiddo a great snowboarding jacket and a hoodie for $45, picked myself up a couple of hoodies for $15 each, got the sister a skirt and a tshirt (both for $15)... oh and a rainjacket for me for like $20. craziness, i tell you. craziness.

then, oh and then my friends, i responded to one of punkrockboy's text messages and headed over to his place for a visit. sometimes having a booty call is a very good thing. and, because i'm sweet, i even gave him a ride to work. of course he repaid me by commandeering my leftover red curry.

oh and giving me a couple of orgasms.

that's fair, i figure....

sweet mother of god - finally!

ok so i'm on vacation. true to form i was awake before 7am chatting with j-mo and surfing the internet.

sadly, i did check my work email first thing. i have to stop that. cut myself off.

i am feeling... erm.... how can we say this delicately... fucking horny this morning. like it's one of those mornings that i wish i could roll over and climb on top of someone and just ride away until i was sated. sadly, it's just me and my auxiliary closet space here on the bed, and i'm not that in love with my clothing yet.

yet. give me an hour or two. that sundress is sass-syy man. damn.

so on tuesday i'm going on what is quite possibly either the a) coolest first date ever, or b) stupidiest first date ever. i'm going over to tofino to camp for two days and take a surfing lesson. like, if this works out it's going to be awesome. if it doesn't work out it will be two grueling expensive days of awkwardness and boredom. sure it's a bit of a gamble, but damn - first of all, i'm super excited to be going away at *all* on my holiday, 'cause i didn't really want to go alone, and second of all, anyone who is willing to spontaneously go camping with someone they barely know is cool, 'cause that, clearly, is something i'd do.

so yeah, i'm excited. am i crazy? oh yeah possibly. but i'm a *cute* crazy person....

mardi, juillet 11

broken telephone the lines are down i throw myself at nothing

melancholy madness
i'm digging through my past
dusting off the memories, emotions
trapped between the pages of
long forgotten novels and
candles wrapped in newsprint.
why do i keep this the detritus of a life
i forgot how to live.
who am i here in this place where i lack
connections in this time when i have only
songs that
other people wrote
to remind me of myself.

lundi, juillet 10

someday you'll wake up and say my god i should've

i don't know if i'm just really worn out, if i've got nuclear pms or if my meds aren't working anymore. i do know that i feel as though i'm rushing down the river past people and experiences - i'm reaching out towards them, trying to hold on, but they're slipping through my fingers like quicksilver rapids.

the sister heard from cruiseship boy today. he quit his job with cruiseship a to do the same job for cruiseship b. he really liked me but stopped emailing 'cause he was freaked out by distance / lives / all that bullshit. nothing new there.

also talked to carlot boy just a little while ago. he told me he had to stop himself from spending time with me 'cause he really liked me and work always got in the way. he said he kept in touch 'cause he kept hoping i'd push him over the edge. i professed skepticism at this statment - if it was going to happen it would have happened by now, i said. he said, no, i'm different. you'll figure me out someday.

i feel like the record is skipping playing the same six notes over and over again.

dimanche, juillet 9

our lives on holiday

so i went into my boss' office on friday, looked her in the eye and told her i needed a vacation. i can't wait till august - i'm tired, i've been running on fumes emotionally and physically, and i'm on the verge of burning out.

more specifically, i'm finding it really hard to care about my job right now. because i'm the kind of employee that i am, she knows that i'd never say such a thing to her if it weren't 100% true, so i'm working monday-thursday next week then am off for a week. i don't think i'm going to do anything - i just need the time off.

not to mention the fact that i helped mikeb move today. the chaos of the experience (and this was a smoothly run one with lots of help and good spirits) has doubly inspired me to go through my belongings and do away with anything superfluous.

i, my friends, own a lot of crap.

i've been living on my own more or less since i was sixteen years old. i did jettison a great deal of it when i moved down here, but i still have reams and reams and piles of *stuff*.

especially books.

and clothes.

le sigh.

oh here's a blast from the past.... r- has been trying to hook up with me in the ... erm ... biblical sense all weekend. this only happens when he's either a) broken up with his gf; b) not getting along with his gf; or c) away from his gf for a few days. i declined the opportunity. yay me....

vendredi, juillet 7

i don't know if you're looking for romance, or

so i think that the only really *bad* experience i've had with this whole online dating experiment is the stalker guy - you know, the one i was mentioning who was texting me all the time, and telling me he missed me, and crap like that. i basically turned him into an interesting anecdote - my lava horror story, if you will - and promptly forgot about him beyond that.

yesterday, out of the blue, he resurfaced. i received an email which read, simply, 'oh and by the way, you are full of shit.'

now i've not been in the *best* of moods these past few days, and something in me snapped upon reading this. i basically laid into him, saying that if he thought he wanted the truth from me then fine - here it is, and i laid out for him how he reeked of desperation, and that his 'i miss you' neediness was pathetic. i told him to grow some balls.

this, of course, isn't the smartest thing to do when one is dealing with the mentally unstable.

he responded back with a bagload of vitriol - basically calling into question my morals and my abilities in the bedroom (ha!). i told him he had a small dick, and that he was crazy. he started foaming at the mouth, his eyes rolled back in his head, and his body began flopping about as though he was channelling the psychic energy of a semi-putrid mackeral (ok i don't know what he did just there - i made that up). i asked him why he couldn't deal with the fact that i just wasn't interested. i said we'd gotten drunk and made out, and i regretted it. i told him that i'd tried to muster up some interest and couldn't, and that we were both adults so he should just deal.

he responded very cryptically: "fucking freak. see you at the village tonight".

what the fuck?

what does THAT mean?

i don't know if i should be looking over my shoulder every time i leave the house, or if he mistakenly emailed me at the very beginning when he was *actually* stalking and tormenting yet another unsuspecting female.

either way - i deleted my online profiles. it's left a bad taste in my mouth.

jeudi, juillet 6

if you don't consent to just let it be

oh my oh my but i am sleepy as all get out, and am deep in the throes of a highly impressive cranky. which is interesting 'cause last night i was on a second date with a boy who i immediately felt comfortable with - like as i entered the restaurant for brunch on sunday and gave him a big hug and apologized for my late-ness, i felt as if i'd known him a thousand years, not six seconds. last night was the same - laid back date full of laughing and him treating me like a princess. he opened doors for me, wouldn't let me pay for anything, took me for gelato, let me pick the movie, and sat with me in the dark on a bunch of cushions eating dark chocolate and drinking my new favourite red wine - out of the bottle, even.

mind you i was in this cranky as i left work yesterday, and straight up until the point that i saw him standing on the side of the road in front of his condo so that i would know where i was going. then it simply evaporated, and didn't return until i walked through the doors of the office this morning. i could feel my legs become leaden with every step of the stairs - reaching the top was an effort, indeed, and as i sit here writing i know that it's only going to get worse as the day passes by. unfortunately the boy is going away for a few days and so i won't see him till the middle of next week at least. beware - may be a few days of righteous bitch coming up. i feel like samuel l in pulp fiction And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

le sigh.

mardi, juillet 4

the sparkle in your eyes keeps me alive

With all the indecision you've been fighting lately, you may lose sight of the clear choices in front of you. The biggest is your choice to be happy. Reject the self-imposed standards you've been struggling with -- frankly, they're too unrealistic -- and choose to accept yourself. There is no such thing as perfection, and aiming for it is almost an insult to what you're right now. Cherish all your faults -- don't change the things you love about life.
so i'm on the last day of my four day weekend. i've lost count of how much i've had to drink, and how much gelato i've eaten (heck i even went out and bought some yesterday to eat at home. i can have gelato and beer for breakfast, right? i mean, it *is* 7am).

today my dad is having surgery to begin this highly experimental treatment for depression called deep brain stimulation. my mom is already down at the hospital with him - he had to check in at 5.45am this morning - and then my brother, sister, and i are going down to hang out in a couple of hours. it scares the crap out of me - when they first started talking about it, it gave me total anxiety attacks to even be part of the conversation. now i can bring myself to *say* it, but i can't really *think* about it too much.

what's scariest for me is how much stake he's putting in this procedure. after the upswing at christmastime, and how distraught he was when it didn't last, i think he's put all his hope in this procedure. i have no idea what it will do to him if it doesn't work. he might just give up.

i couldn't say goodbye to him last night before i went for dinner with mike - i had to leave, then call and tell him on the phone that i loved him and how brave i think he is. if i'd done it in person i would have started crying and i don't know if i could have stopped, you know? i'm sure it will all be fine, but when you open up the brain there is just so much that could go wrong...

dimanche, juillet 2

take a sigh as long as the war's been going on in your heart tonight

wham bam two posts in a row. don't use this as a poor excuse to not hit the link down below and check-check-check out that sweet mashup. thanks ct over-dee for the tip.

so it's been an interesting weekend. i am now the happy owner of a macintosh g4 (i am torn between McIntoy and McAroni for names), as my (real life) little brother (as opposed to my spiritual lil brother) got a powerbook from my parents for grad. this type of hand-me-down i can SO live with. it's got a few issues - i guess there is a design flaw in some that make them randomly shut down on occasion. my papa thinks he has it fixed - it's been running since wednesday night, and i packed it around in my bag snuggled up against this one (unnamed 'cause it has no personality, really)(don't crap out on me now, baby....) with seemingly no adverse effects.

this is what i want to do today:

i want to put on a pretty sundress, go for brunch with someone who thinks that i rock and i'm the most beautiful girl in the world; i want to hold hands, wander around granville island, and do sunday sun-day things. yup. that's what i want to do. sadly it seems as though i'll be doing it on my own.

le sigh.

it always comes out the same.....