to bronte or not to bronte

this evening i went to nevermind to watch the canucks with mike b. and ate enough to feed a small african nation for a week. mmmm mahi tuna tacos and mmmm chocolate mousse and mmmm more caesars... found myself gazing at the cute boy across the room... which, of course, led to the discussion of me voting nick off the island. mike asked why i had done it. i tried to explain the sense that he was either a) not interested at all, or b) not interested enough. he asked if it maybe was just nick's nature. i think that he may be right.

however... my question is this:

how do you explain to a guy that you aren't ready for a relationship, but want to "hang out" kind of regularly, without coming off sounding like a slut? i'm basically monogamous by nature, but i do have a fairly overactive sex drive. so.. if i don't have something regular, i usually go looking for the irregular. but that's not really me. i'm ok with a booty call kind of situation, but would prefer a friend who i can sleep with now and again. that works the best for me.

mike figures that it's the 'regular' aspect to that which is dangerous. regular sex usually turns into relationship. however, i think i'm ok with that, as long as it was a slow gradual evolution. he's still skittish, but then it's only been a short while since alana.

so, in essence, i'm intrigued by nick. i'd like to shag him again.. he tasted sweet, and a little smoky. it was fun. so how do i tell him that i'd like to hang out with him once or twice a week to have drinks, maybe go out dancing, and shag? or should i just let it go and move on to the next one?

hmmm

i was driving along to pick up mike b for lovely early afternoon pay per view game at nevermind when it occurred to me to telephone nick. so i did.. caught him playing his guitar (as always)... and awaiting a friend who was picking him up to retrieve island girls from the ferry. i think that i'm fighting (well, not really fighting so much as vaguely keeping an eye on) a lost cause. so.. enough of him. ergo, we vote him off the island in much the same fashion as we voted nate. ta da!

my mama offered to fill my tank with gas if i chauffeured her around richmond today, which i did because i'll take free gas at any time. i was grumbling about student loan payments earlier, so she asked me to break them down for her -- when i did she looked sort of stunned. then looked even more stunned when i casually mentioned my weekly gas expenditures. it was at this point that she proposed the locomoted by me fueled by her shopping expedition.

dream

a sure sign that it is now time to get rid of my vw (i'm not sure why i've been reluctant so far. nostalgia? laziness? ennui?): i dreamed last night that i was driving through vancouver with calvin and we came to an intersection on flash (ah the joys of vancouver drivers and four way stops). some poor guy was out in the middle of the intersection attempting to direct traffic. my turn came, and i eased out into the intersection trying to make a left turn. some idiot in a bmw shot through and clipped my car. flash - as i get out of my little neon, it turns into my vw. calvin and i are remarkably unsurprised by this, though i did comment to him "that's funny - why did we bring this car? it's not even insured...".

toast

i think that this is one of those weekends when i shall just keep drinking coffee... perhaps then i shall manage to approach lucidity.

my mom is falling prey to the atkins low-carb phenomenon. as my sister vehemently pointed out every time she saw one of the (increasingly, disturbingly, numerous) atkins commercials "THE MAN DIED AT AN UNREASONABLY YOUNG AGE!". anyhoo... she has purchased this low-carb bread from the grocery store, at some expense. it is approximately the size, texture, and thickness of a rye crisp cracker. so, standing at the toaster this morning, we were comparing the nutritional value of our respective choices. i had selected a loaf of hazelnut poppyseed bread, full of oats, walnuts and brazil nuts. the slices are thick and chewy, and make wonderful toast. Mine: 130 calories and 18 grams of carbs per slice. Hers: 60 calories and 6 grams of carbs per slice. the truth though, is in the fact that mine was at least twice as thick and at least twice as large as hers... i felt myself strike a blow for those of us who refuse to eat well...

as a side note.. while spell checking this entry, i noticed that one of alternatives offered for "carb" was crap. i say - huzzah.

friday at last (again)

i can't believe how glad i am that this week has finally come to an end. i don't even think i am capable of writing much more this weekend.. two caesars and a week of not-enough-sleep/too-much-work/no-stress-breakers has left me incapable....

homesick

andrea, one of my very good friends, just rang my mobile with a really funny story. turns out that someone they've been chatting with fairly regularly is calvin's dad -- they've never made the connection. i'm trying to figure out how they didn't know. the two of them look so much alike it's crazy... but this whole thing totally speaks to mike b.'s thoughts on connections.

starts me feeling a little maudlin though. homesick, really. strange to think that you can be homesick for a place you hated so much. i miss hanging out with jp & andrea; having good dinners and watching tv; drinking tea or wine and talking and talking and talking... i miss monte and darren; i miss walking to value village, and shopping at the little italian market; i miss hanging out at the track talking with sandra and travis and yelling at calvin as he runs past; i miss sitting at the uni watching the world go by; i miss cooking dinners in my kitchen and looking out the window watching calvin run across the road, and drinking chai and eating fresh baking with him in the evenings while the snow falls outside; i miss lying in my bed on sunday mornings reading the paper and drinking coffee...

i guess it's what i've been talking about for a while now. i just miss feeling connected to people, you know? i don't have a home, here, i have a place where i sleep. i only have one or two people i can call friends, rather than acquaintances.

granted.. i'm fully 'getting my period' moody... but this is something i've been thinking about for a while.

flaming lips

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?

Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do you realize?

Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?

Do you realize?

milkshake

i'm glad to see i'm not alone in wondering what the heck the milkshake song is all about. indeed, i believe it's a bit of a cultural phenomenon.

work

we had our not so regular monthly lunch today... the ceo gathers us all downstairs and shows us a powerpoint presentation (oh that powerpoint! will it haunt me forever?) talking about how the company's doing blah blah blah. i noticed something interesting in the quarterly projections for employee levels -- the second forecast 7 less bodies than the first. startled, i leaned over and asked our department head who was losing their jobs... he hadn't noticed the figure and complemented me on being observant. hopefully this was some sort of test and i just passed, thereby ensuring i'm not one of the seven...

Your nose hairs scare me.

Any person or persons who wish to deliver a surreal compliment must cease and desist from all practices of procreation and appeal to the county clerk for permission by filling out form #345/3.098/27 in triplicate, signed, the person who can and will repeat your subversive tendencies.


really, though, in the grand scheme of things, aren't all compliments sort of surreal? for example:
the guy that was talking to me and took my picture last saturday night sent me an email asking me to meet him for a drink. specifically a drink in yaletown. i'm not sure what the implications of that particular factoid are, but anyhoooo... when i relayed this sort of amusing tidbit to mike b., he stated "I knew he would.". i asked how he could know something like that -- wondering if there was some kind of 'between the guys' sort of discussion that had occurred while i was in the restroom or something. he replied that "of course he would - you are an attractive woman" but i'm sure he said it more poetically than that. a really nice compliment from a good friend.. but still it makes me sort of look over my shoulder, convinced he's referring to someone else. that, or that he's gonna open his eyes and go "hoo! what was i thinking!". just sort of surreal, that's all.

The goats you buy shed a perfume that makes Marxism so terribly clear to me.

surrealistic compliment generator

hump day

do most boys understand that when you ask them to "watch a video", you are pretty much just asking them if they want to make out? i've put the question to monster, as mike b is not around and so i have no boy advice on this burning question. his answer? "yes. it's the code word". glad to hear that, at least on this level, there is a common language between the genders.
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i'm beginning to think that this week will never end. i realize that it's wednesday, and we are now most of the way though the week, it's just that i'm fairly sure that i still have a full week's worth of work ahead of me. which blows a lot. ah well... soldier forth and all of those pithy platitudes from the days of empire...
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i was reading someone else's blog earlier (who, me? no!) and being amused by their anti-valentine's day rant. i understand it to a certain point - there is a great deal of pressure put on romantic relationships for that one day. but a the same time.. words have only as much power as you feed into them. yes, it's constructed by hallmark. yes, it's commercial. but it's kind of silly, too. i, for one, had the best valentine's day of my life last year, with the aforementioned montelicious. we drank a great deal, i cooked a great meal, and we ended up sitting on the couch listening to music and talketty talketty talking till i more or less passed out. unfortunatly, he is headlining a party this year, so is standing me up. any volunteers for replacements?

hmm

my face is starting to break out.. logic would blame the cheese slice on my veggie burger, along with the non-fat vanilla latte consumed in a fit of guilty decadence earlier today. but since we recently decided that all bad things that happen to me are to be blamed on rori... it's his fault. DAMN YOU RORI!

best part about other people's blogs

is finding links to cool other stuff.

the strange thing about reading other people's blogs is that when you go to them and they haven't updated them you feel strangely deprived.

oo hockey's on. canucks.com has a great shot of ohlund's *ahem* back end. not that i'm dwelling on a topic or anything tonite...

my ass

i was reading pamie's blog (i say this like we're buddies or something. she wrote a book. about her blog. i attach myself to her literary success vicariously. i'm a book leech. i admit it. feel better?) in which she discusses obsessing about her ass, because she was once overweight. she points out that it's not her best 'feminist' moment, but she sincerely worries about how her bum looks. the interesting thing is that i, too, am ass-obsessed. i waver between worrying that my posterior is too small (i refer to my ass as my lack thereof an ass, most of a time) to worrying that it is too big. this is because i, too, lost about 30lbs a couple of years ago.. a large portion of which previously resided, i'm sure, squarely on my behind. so i have these wierd moments when i look in the mirror and see a GIANT ASS. then i have these other wierd moments when i look in the mirror and see two twigs protruding directly from a torso. not that it's a theme i've been flirting with this past week or anything, but i think it's funny. here i am - a feminist. i mean, my family has fairly standard gender roles, but we were never raised to think we needed a man for anything - always taught to be self reliant etc.. and my minor was gender studies for god's sake. but i still get caught up in not loving my body; being caught up in body image.

(for the record, i previewed my blog and realized that i said *ass* about a million times, so went back and pretty much exhausted my inner thesaurus looking for synonyms)

there are no boundaries to my love for chocolate

"YOU! only I'm allowed to work for 12 hours!" - or so said the department manager as he discovered me huddled in my hobbithole-esque corner. what a crappy crappy day at work. ben is out of hand - had a fit this morning when i commented on his seemingly incessant bad mood. he's pushing me to the limits, man... not to mention i spent from 2pm-7pm doing comparing two very large spreadsheets line by line... but at least now i know that they are right.

on happier notes.. nick called me as i was driving home.. just to say hello i think. which is nicer than i should like to admit. i tried to sneak away to the downstairs lunchroom for 10 minutes before production took their break at noon today, but am physically incapable of consuming thai pumpkin and tofu red curry that quickly, so there was some overlap. therefore... they got to watch me eat for a bit. also... today i headed off to work sporting my new cowgirl skirt overtop of rather long black pants... seemed to be a fashion success.

i really really need to go to the library.

wow what an uninspired blog. i do apologize to future me, reading this at some point days, months or even years from now. really, we aren't this boring.

rumi

…You’re in love with love,
And love is not in your control,
So I am not the whole you seek,
But only part right now.

-Rumi

and in other news...

i noticed (and briefly responded too) the comment in response to my last blog, but i think that i want to wander through with more depth...

philip slater wrote in the pursuit of loneliness that the ideal of romance limits significant relationships. that, by definition, the pursuit of your romantic match will lead you searching for tragic and, essentially, nonexistent relationships. i came across this author while reading a blog -- the blog writer agreed with slater and cited magazine and media representations of the "beautiful people" with their airbrushed skin and perfectly constructed bodies as proof positive of this. i would extend that to the representation of romantic love as perpetuated by popular media - especially media directed at women. i think that it is a sense of completion that these women seek -- their perfect romantic match. which posits an interesting question - how culpable is the media in rising divorce rates? that question may seem somewhat naive. but is it? the past 40 years have taught women that they should stand up for what they believe in -- freedom from opression, free expression of sexuality and creativity etc. why should the search for the perfect romantic partner be any different? truly this is a western conundrum. but then, aristophanes' myth of the perfect other is a western construction as well...

like imelda, but better looking

i'm not so sure what i want to write about today. perhaps about the perils of crushing on 24yr old boys (cause that's what they really are. i didn't dub nate "the puppy" for no reason -- though he's not 24). but i think that i have dwelled upon that particular theme long enough.

went with mike b. to the birthday party of his exgirlfriend last nite. spent the evening talking to people i don't know. which was good for me, for sure. i'm not so good at that -- i tend to stay within my protective shell most of the time and only associate with people i know fairly well. i think i did well. i'm not about to go out all on my own, by any means. but maybe someday.

i still have my fascination with pulp novels centred around the single woman ala bridget jones. i'm really interested in the difference between the way the british represent her and the americans. along that vein, i just finished reading a 'gossip girl' novel. this is a series, apparently, which casts various girls from upscale new york private schools... (probably more intended for the late teen reader but twigged my fascination with both my theme, and my previous obsession with the dissemination of gossip as a modern version of the oral tradition). anyhooo.. it wasn't a well written piece of literature, by any means. but one particular line twigged my fancy: "you can't let assholes turn you into an asshole". well said.

back to my theme, though. i'm of the mind that this genre is just a dressed up version of the serial romance novel. the characters don't fall neatly into the 'girl meets man, hates man, realizes she loves man, marries man' trope, but they are not far off. they masquerade as 'feminist', but are still buying into the stereotypes that women are not necessarily complete without a man. mind you, i've been caught in that pattern myself of late. but i don't think it's a "man" that i'm looking for specifically -- it's more of a sense of belonging. which, of course, you get when you have a steady partner.

i'm also feeling quite nesty. really want to clean up my closet, purge myself of unneeded clothes and baggage. it's time for calvin and i to get our own place for sure. spring...

ooo speaking of books, i have several selections waiting for me at the library. the first batch of my 'best of 2003' books, and some other 'just for fun' ones. i really like the library. what a great invention. i wonder, though, if i should renew my copy of "non-technical guide to project management" or if i should just admit that i'm not going to get through it?

just as i suspected

my friend todd's greatest quote is "McDonalds - it doesn't make you feel full, it just makes you feel.... different".

this is an interesting article about a man who ate only mcdonalds for 30 days. it's really quite scary.

wonder killer

ok i'm officially spending too much time in front of my computer today. mind you, if i wasn't, i would not have run across my new favourite description for myself : wonder killer.

though i don't like to think of it as 'killing wonder'. i'm *girl wonder*. i just like to think about stuff... sometimes outloud... and if you don't want to know the answer to your question, don't ask me, dammit... ok i'm done now.

more and more

i don't think my mom appreciates the coolness of my new skirt (stretchy and white with black cowgirls all over it). she seemed unimpressed. well, she's my mom after all. i guess i can't expect too much. i went vintage store shopping on main with mike b. came out with several good finds - said skirt, a grey sweater style tube top and this wicked green corduroy coat with fun fur cuffs and collar that is very much in time with my whole 'bronte' theme of the past few days. i also picked up calvin a red plaid old man shirt and a new hoody. all for $60 or so. quite reasonable i thought. i also had scrambled tofu from the naam for brunch.. after talking about it all week i couldn't resist. too bad i don't have jen's number - it would have been nice to give her a call.

i do believe i shall be sad if nick doesn't call... ah well. what can you do?

distillers lyrics (yes i do have a life)

Hall Of Mirrors

I come down like a hurricane sucked up inside
I spit out the suffer, yeah
You say you want a revelation,
Revel in this my lover
You’re free at liberty is this what you want?
Sometimes I wonder…

[Chorus]
There’s a highway to, to the edge, yeah
Once a night you will drive yourself there
At the end of the road you will find the answer
At the end of the road you will drink the fear

I come down like a bloody rain cuts up flesh sky,
Pulse beating under, yeah
Meat petals bloom in a bone garden
Ain’t no god, no ghost gonna save you now

I sell souls at the side of the road
Would you like to take a number

[Chorus]

Take your time, come on, get what you come for don't
Waste my time, come on, get what you come for don't
waste my time, come on, get what you come for don't
waste my time, come on, get what you come for

[Chorus]

I watched you burn in the eye of my sun
I fucked you in the eye of my sun

I watched you burn in the eye of my sun (in the eye of my sun) yeah yeah
[repeat x3]
I fucked you in, in the eye of my sun (in the eye of my sun) yeah yeah
Yeah yeah...

saturday nights alright for fighting

so most of vancouver is still asleep, recovering from the nickleback extravaganza of last eve. another happening event i failed to attend. well, i can't be a poetically tragic loner if i am too social, now can i? mind, i could give two shakes about nickleback. probably a sign that rori and i could never work - one that i should have picked up on much earlier - is his love for not only nickleback but also kid rock. who, i will grant, is a decent hip hop producer. but that's all i'll give him. stringy haired creep.

i woke this morning on the road to recovery from my cold, but with the kind of neck/head ache that comes from a restless night. i forgot to open my window last nite before climbing into bed and so i think that the stale air got to me. i do have a tendency to hold tension between my shoulder blades. oh i have to remember to try and find out about that reflexology class. calvin expressed interest in attending with me.

i can't actually remember what i was dreaming about all night, but i awoke with the sense that something had been lost. i don't know what it is - it's just a kind of bereft sense of missing something or someone. i feel the need to make a major change in my life - perhaps i am just looking for some direction. it's my purpose that is lost.

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it's funny the way that i get caught up in the lives of the characters of the books i'm reading - they become like real people to me. i have to be careful because my fantasy life does tend to be richer than my true life. is that a sign of some kind of disorder? how easy would it be for me to slip into my dream world; to totally lose touch with my reality? stacy used to laugh at me - watching me choose a personality to wear out for the evening like it was a frock or a costume, standing at the verge of the club or the party and taking a breath and slipping it into place like you slip a dress over your head and down past your hips. it's the days when i'm tired that i have bad days at work - i can't quite muster the energy to pull the mask out of the bag and place it over my face.

the sad thing is, though, that so few people know who i really am. why is it that its so easy to let so few people in past the mask? why did mike b. get in so easily, for example? actually, that's an easy question to answer -- we started out talking to each other almost exclusively on msn. actually we still talk that way most of the time, and see each other in person a couple of times a week. nick only knows the work / party me (the work me is just a toned down version of the party me. both personalities require the same energy and effort). well, i guess he's seen glimpses - christmas treats for him & nate; the poem i wrote out for him; the cake for nate. but spread so thin...

darren says that i still have my walls up. that i haven't properly healed from psychojeremy, and that i never will until i let someone in -- someone who isn't guaranteed to hurt me, thereby justifying my determination to keep people at a distance. remarkably astute for a young guy. mind you, he'd like to be that person. but i know he's just thinking about me. my question, that no one seems to be able to answer, is HOW? how do i do it? how do i let the right people in and keep the wrong people out? it's not like i don't identify the wrong people right off the bat -- knew rori was gonna be trouble from day one -- but still those are the people who i bring into my world.

i don't know. any ideas?

not having any sex in the city

pam and ibrahim and i were heading out for a post-work cocktail. i invited oana along but she had plans. she said it was rare that she actually had plans, because she usually does nothing. to which i responded in kind, much to her surprise. she said that from reading my blog it sounds like i lead an interesting life. i think that it's just because it's someone else's life. only i know the true day to day dullness of my life. not to mention exactly how much time i spend curled up with tea and the dog reading. but that's part of my 'me' time, i guess.

tomorrow i believe i shall go thrift store shopping. perhaps on main street. i need a fun new purchase or two to get me over the bad week hump. it seems like there has been more than a few of those in a row. nick told me to take him the next time i go value villaging. however.. he tends to sleep through the day and that drives me insane. i'm not good at waiting for people to get up when i want to do things with my day.

goals for the oncoming week:

• get up in time to get to tim hortons on my way to work
  
• try not to worry about the following things: boys, my figure, my rapidly shrinking intellect, money
  
• try to go for a *gasp* run, since i'm doing the damn sun run
  

i should probably add more to this list.

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watching sex and the city makes me feel sort of odd - it's super funny, but at the same time it makes me feel both vindicated and a little alone. i like the idea of being a smart stylish successful single girl. but i sort of am afraid of the fact that they all seem a little... i don't know... lost without a man. is this my fate?

sex and the city

so here i am, 9.45 on a friday nite. most noticeable in my absence from the jupiter room and ginger 62. or any other 'happening' place on a friday in vancouver. however... i didn't really feel like going. he just really really likes himself. and the whole asking for a threesome with me and sarah was a little over the top for me. though, i suppose, with a name like jesus, what was i expecting?
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i started the gossip tongues a-waggin at work today. two days ago it was nate's birthday. honestly, for some reason i had the 26th in my head. i've never been very good with dates. it was the 21st. bad me. sooo... i went rushing out as soon as i could break away this afternoon, and brought a cake in just in time for the afternoon coffee break in production. i just came in, dropped it off, gave him a birthday hug, gave the "cake!" call to everyone else and went on my way. i hadn't been back at my computer for five minutes when daisy was buzzing me asking me what the relationship was between nate and i. it took me a really long time to convince her otherwise. i guess there is now massive speculation in the downstairs... nate was blushing like crazy after i left. i didn't mean to embarrass him. i just think everyone should get cake on their birthday.

bronte

earlier, was bemoaning the fact that i didn't live in a time when listening to your heart was more appropriate than listening to your head. i wish i lived in a time when i could be an angst-ridden eccentric attic-dweller who dressed in a man's clothes (and still shocked people for doing so), and wrote long sweeping epic novels. of course, i'd probably have to be dying of consumption at a tragically young age. mind you, given the quality of the coughing going on in this part of the world, this evening, i could be very well dying of consumption even as we speak. mike b. gave me honorary bronte status. so, henceforth, i shall think of myself as bronte.

this is by no means a hubris-inspired overinflated estimate of my writing skill, mind you. just a faint longing for scribbling in a notebook while walking along mist covered craggy moors and a torrid romance to write about...

ok so i may be a touch - just a touch mind you - sick

i think that i've finally admitted it. i'm sick. as oana pointed out -- admitting you have a problem is the first step towards getting well. my stomach and back muscles hurt from coughing. my nose is a mucous factory. it's not a pretty thing by any means.

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you know, i think i've given up on this whole 'men' thing. i mean, i tried to "date" -- nate and jesus -- and we all know how well that went. it's just an unnatural state of being for me. so after those fiascos i thought to myself, well the heck with it. i've got guy friends; why don't i just let one of those friendships go beyond -- rori -- and we all know how well that went. not only did i end up feeling kind of nasty, i lost a friend too. so there must be some middle ground, right? i wish i could go for celibacy, but that is *so* not in my nature. what's a girl to do?
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so something strange happened today... i'm not sure on the details. i remember drinking some neo citran (black cherry for coughs), then after that it all goes kind of hazy. the next thing i know, i'm on the company Sun Run team -- Megs has joined us up and apparently i agreed willingly. that's it - no more cold drugs at work for me. my coworkers just take advantage...
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well that's it for me, folks. i'm gonna put cold forumla aromatherapy oil in my burner, curl up with my dog and my book and watch thursday nite tv. adios amigos....

boys

so i spent a good chunk of the afternoon (yes, i admit i should have been focusing on spreadsheet conversions and other good things) fending darren off. he's convinced that him and i should become some sort of 'item' or something. says he's been in love with me for years. i'm not convinced. i think he just wants things that he can't have. however, it is lovely to have someone say nice things about you for the better part of 2.5 hours. my question is this: why don't the guys i actually *want* to date have this reaction to me?

don't get me wrong. darren's a great guy. super handsome. but, i don't know, there's too much baggage associated with it. not to mention the fact that he currently HAS a girlfriend. minor point there. really great way to build trust in me... having this conversation while dating someone.

so i took i to my voice of reason; my sounding board; my buddha on the hill - mike b. he speculates that perhaps i DO have this reaction on men i want to date. i just don't notice it. my counter to this statement would have to be the fact that i am, actually, single. nice theory though. i'd ask nick but, um, there's no way in hell i'd ask nick.
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megs and pam and i had a giddy girl fest this afternoon. ben went home sick, jen was on a personal day, and none of the three of us felt like working at all. it was really nice, actually - like it used to be before the pressure and the politics started to get to everyone. pam's lots of fun when she's not freaking out about her work and about keeping everyone happy all the time. i had such a wicked day at her house when i catered for her. unfortunately, with such strong personalities it's hard to maintain the lightness of the moments for much longer than that - a moment.

Poe

this is cool.

i read about the poe toaster in a novel a couple of months ago.. completely forgot about it until i heard mention on the radio this morning. sort of a neat idea, really. i love traditions like this -- steeped in mystery and literature. must be the latent catholic in me.

ruby tuesday

here's a hypothetical question: if you like a boy, and you 'hang out' with him one evening, should you call him? if so, when? after two days? after three days? you know, cause i have um a friend.. who's curious... ya that's it. a friend.

mike b's "boy" advice is that boys like to be called so you should do it, but there are rules.

• you have to call to talk or to make plans (this one makes no sense to me, so i've asked for further clarification. -- will follow up
  
• if you have to leave voicemail, keep it brief
  
• call three times without a return phonecall before giving up.
  

ooo this just in: "sorry that part didn't make much sense did it. I guess don't call to be all drippy ooo you're cool I like you stuff. but then I don't think you would anyway". I'm glad he added in that last bit. glad he realizes that i'm not a fuzzy bunny kind of girl. not that there's anything wrong with that...

so maybe this evening i'll give him a call. then again, maybe i'll chicken out. man, i'm bad at this. relationships have always kind of just fallen into my lap. i don't usually have to do anything for them. mind you, this isn't actually doing anything. this is a phone call. simmer down, sundae.

i heart dave grohl

how excited am i about this? deep down inside i'm still a rocker chick...

my god... how badly do the canucks suck right now?

I'm a 31yr old 13yr old girl

so i burned a cd for nick cause he asked me to.. and i printed out that little quote from my last blog - the journey to ithaca. it sort of illustrates neatly my way of dealing with the stuff we were talking about the other nite... anyhoo. brought it down this morning to give to him... promptly regressed to my geeky high school years when i was in the throes of an adolescent crush and forced into a position where i actually had to *speak* to said crush. i hate that... i was handing it to him, blushing like a fiend, explaining what it was, and running away all at the same time. i can only pray that my little schoolgirl outfit redeemed rather than compounded the issue... sucks though cause i've never had this problem with him before... mind you, i guess spooning will change the nature of your friendship, at least a little. (it was the spooning. that's it. nothing else.)
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ug my chest hurts. i'm getting a chest cold, i believe. mike b. and i have decided to blame rori. henceforth, all bad things that happen to me will be the fault of rori. let it be known.

big fish

i took calvin to see big fish this afternoon. so, now, i think both of us are feeling a little pensive. the stories touch you.. the intermingling of lives and emotion; of lies and truths. i don't know how to say it without sounding trite, but i really loved it. actually, i had some trouble not crying after. i could, i suppose, have just let it out, but didn't really want to.

as we were stepping out of the theatre calvin turned to me and said "mom, can i do that? can i just invent my reality the way he does?". my response was the only one i can give - we all invent and reinvent our realities. the more we believe in them the more like truth they become. it is through our stories that we achieve immortality. shakespeaere knew this.

so what, then, is my story? what is my mythology? that's hard to say from inside of it. characters in books don't know that they are just playing a role. i have the self awareness - i just am not sure which role i am playing. i hide behind my outgoing party girl facade as a means of masking the real me. if you don't know who i am then you can't hurt me in any way, right? but who, then, am i really hurting but myself if i don't let people get to know me? i seem to only choose people who are destined to hurt me, and let them into my world (rori, for example). this just reinforces my resolve to keep people out. but that's not really what i want. i miss sunday mornings, and waking up with someone. nick spent the entire night wrapped around me and i luxuriated in the contact like a cat in a sunbeam. so what story am i in?

sunday morning

so here i am skulking in the door on a sunday morning once again. man, what can i say? he played me 'everlong' on his acoustic guitar. i was a goner. (at this point Mike B has pointed out that i was pretty much a goner before i left his place after the hockey game. but i am going to maintain that it was the song that really tore through my strong defenses)(that or the soft core porn that passed for CBC hockey commentary last night "And Ohlund *NAILS* him against the boards!" "Ohlund splits the D wide open and takes him down!" "Oh-oh-ohlund!") (well, actually that last one was all me)
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i'm still finishing The Saskiad. it's actually a really good story with all sorts of neat language things going on. there's a quote at the beginning of it that i especially enjoy:

When you start on your journey to Ithaca,
then pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit.
You will never meet the Lestrygonians,
the Cyclopes and the fierce Poseidon,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not raise them up before you.
- Cavafy, "Ithaca"

I love the idea that you will never come across demons unless you already carry them within your soul. nick and i were talking about stuff like that last night actually, right before falling asleep. he was asking me whether or not i believed in spirits and things. he says there's stuff that he doesn't like to think about before he goes to bed, cause he's afraid of leaving himself open to... i don't know exactly. not really ghosts, but something like that. i think that some people live louder than others and therefore they see things like that, or draw things like that to them more easily. the same way that i'm so perceptive about other peoples emotions that i can actually feel what they are feeling...

but maybe it's not stuff that's out there .. it's stuff *in* you and you are just projecting it. the demons lie within you and some people's are just stronger? closer to the surface? less repressed? i don't know. too much thinking for a sunday morning.

things look a little brighter with a new haircut

hmm so thinking about 3am phone calls. that nite at the party, being drunk like the proverbial skunk, i mentioned to nick what gwen had said. he asked me what i thought of that idea. i'm not adverse to it, per say. i just fear a certain awkwardness and/ or being viewed as a bit of a hooch for going both places. i also said that he'd have to talk to nate. that was the last i heard about the whole situation. but he has sort of made an effort to hang out with me. and i have sort of made an effort to hang out with him. eventually, things will either work out or they won't, i suppose. i guess i'll see, if he calls tonight, huh?

ooo edward just came in.. here we are, the two office geeks. working on a saturday.... lol.

booty calls

so when a guy calls you at three o'clock in the morning, and tries to convince you to drive for 45 minutes to get to his house, what is it that he wants, do you think? haha i must admit i was sorely tempted.

hmm this whole nick thing is a conundrum that deserves some pondering. what to do, what to do? while nate and i did have a brief 'thing', it really wasn't much more than one drunk nite, then dinner, and some sort of wierd phone calls. when nick and i were having so much fun dancing at the party, gwen theorized that i should just consider nate an "oops" and go for nick. think about this more. am going out for breakfast. :)

really early

huh. nick just called and asked if i wanted to come over. then tried to convince me to do so. it's 3.15. interesting.

friday at last

this has been a very strange week, and today has been a very strange microcosm of it. i spent the first part of the day totally hyperactive, and really trying to ignore the wierd/crappy things going on. really felt like getting into trouble, more than anything -- throwing snowballs at cars, giving cops the finger, getting drunk and dancing naked, picking fights -- you know, general shit disturber stuff. but... it's really hard to be oblivious when there's negativity afoot. so by the end of the day i just wanted to turn tail and run. and i did, by the way. so i still haven't finished my weekly reports, which means that i have to go in for a while tomorrow. crap.

i'm also aware that part of my 'troublemaker' urges are totally selfdestructive physical manifestations of the negative self-image and repressed anger i've had going on this week. but we won't talk about that and my wierd urges to contact a)psychojeremy b)rori c)various members of the rcmp.
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went for sushi with megs and oana today. well, i was supposed to have lunch with gary, but he ditched me cause i got stuck in a meeting. bitch! poor oana had to listen to meaghan and i rail against the unfairness of the project management world. she got an earful, let me tell you. which isn't to say that we meant to be negative, in any way. just that sometimes it all builds up and you need to vent.
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speaking of which, i had my 'salary negotiations' today. which is to say that they told me how much they'd pay me and if i wanted the job i sucked it up and took it. it's not as much as i really wanted, but there is still room for travel and education. so i guess i'll suck it up and deal with it.

good girls get flowers

lovely lovely mike b. sent me flowers today. i was the envy of all the girls in the office. kerra even held them hostage till i read the card and told her who they were from. oana expressed concern that my mike b was her mike b. but no- different last names entirely. which is a good thing, because her mike b. was a little off kilter, apparently.
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hmm i want to watch hockey, but at the same time i really want to take a bath before CSI starts. how lame is that?

sleepless nights

well, after last night's messenger frenzy, i've blocked rori from my contact list. he states emphatically "I am your friend but that is ALL! This requires too much effort!!" To which i reply bemusedly "What makes you think, at this point, I consider you even my friend? What do i get from it? In the six months we've known each other, all you've shown me is that you are selfish and know how to play mind games. Go away." Not my finest hour, I know. I really should be above petty barbs. but at half past one in the morning when you have to get up for work at 5.30, it's better to just get your point across, I feel. Mind you, blocking him from my messenger only inspired him to begin text messaging my phone...

as a result, work was a challenge. i did get to teach bun a new word, however: "clusterfuck". it succinctly described the day, that's for sure. seems just like nothing went right. well, at least until lunch, when we trooped off to BK for a veggie burger (no onion, mayo or cheese) (me), and $1.69 Whoppers (everyone else). things sort of coasted along after that.

i really could do with some shoe therapy. hmmm mall is open late tonite.. mike b. keeps threatening to kidnap me at 7.30. this will be challenging considering our house is a treat to find when you DO know the address. which he, of course, does not.
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somewhere in the lack of sleep last nite i was listening to radio netherlands. there was a rather fascinating story about restaurants in europe (i missed the exact city -- believe i was pitching a fit at the keyboard) where insects are served as a protein source on the menu. rumour has it they taste like chicken. of course they do. i suspect that even "chicken" isn't chicken any more. its some suspect conglomerate of stuff that is manufactured in vats and is actually sold to grocery stores in packages labeled "Tastes Like Chicken". what did Margaret Atwood call them? ah yes - chickie nobs. mmmmm
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dreamt last night about going to a wierd party with D. I was all messed up on red wine and speed. his girlfriend (who was not his waking life girlfriend but was very cute nonetheless) was trying to pull me along for a sordid rendezvous in a bedroom with the two of them... i was beginning to relent when the computer began to squawk at me. damn his eyes (to quote j.cash).

continued...

so i've been having the worst time getting up in the morning. i think my reluctance to face the day has filtered into my sleeping hours. this morning, for example, i completely slept through my alarm. in fact, the only reason i woke up was because, for some extremely odd reason, the cbc decided to play milli vanilli. not the best way to wake up, let me tell you. however, i suppose i should be pleased -- if they hadn't, who knows when i would have woken up.

work & stuff

i'm having trouble focussing on work, right now. i think that there is so much going on in the rest of my world that is requiring so much of my attention that it is really hard for me to get a handle on work stuff. i'm afraid that things are slipping. i don't think they are. but i worry.

i think part of it comes from trying to not control everything - giving ben and oana the reins and trusting them to deal with stuff. i can see how pam had (has?) so much trouble doing that with me. i wasn't nearly sympathetic enough.

there still is a lot of tension surrounding the restructuring. i believe that it will be much better when we change offices and have the managment *away* from the team - fingers won't always be in the pie, so to speak. OOO i saw the seating plan and i get a window seat right across from Megs. My proco will be right beside me... happy day i'll be able to see outside!

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oooo hockey starts in a couple of minutes..
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St. Hilary's Day

Today is the feast day for the Patron Saint of Lawyers. Also, it's traditionally known as the coldest day of the year, stemming from 1086 when a massive frost covered England.

rainy monday

well, after yet another long drawn out conversation with rori last night i am still no further ahead than i was on friday. i hate that frustrated feeling of moving through quicksand - not really getting anywhere. i don't know what it is with him. or with me. or with me and him, rather. why don't i just cut him loose? it's not like there aren't other people who want to date me. fuck.

his latest thing stroke of genius is that i'm the best person he knows - open and caring and giving and wholehearted. but he can't hang out with me cause he's afraid he will fall in love with me. as ben put it "my god that sounds like something i'd say". i can't decide who's head i want to bang against the wall - mine or his. maybe mine, then his.

dreaming

last night i dreamt that i was housemates with nate and nick -- strange within itself. nate and his girlfriend were preparing to go to a fancy awards banquet of some sort, and his girlfriend had arrived to pick him up attired rather unsuitably. so nate and i were rooting through my closet trying to find something for her to wear, while she pouted in his bedroom. we presented our selections to her as though bestowing gifts up on royalty. however, the difficulty in this was that my fancy dress clothes were all a touch too small for her, and nothing was to her liking. as we returned to my closet, despite my misgivings, i expressed my opinion on the situation: i didn't think were were going to have any success at all, because she would veto everything we chose. nate agreed, much to my relief. i had been afraid he'd take it the wrong way, because of the lingering attraction between us. nick was nowhere to be found....

shy

mike b was having a cast party that i crashed briefly last nite before heading off to dylan's. i warned him that i would run away when all of the people arrived and he accepted it, but teased me fairly mercilessly. i have to put on the correct personality before i can comfortably navigate a small space filled entirely with people i've never met before -- it's the same personality that serves me well at work. so i wandered in, had a glass of wine, and took off.

he told me this morning that i did really well, considering. i pointed out that this was because i refused to leave the kitchen. i find that most situations are entirely more bearable for me when i'm in the kitchen - particularly if there is cooking going on. not to mention the fact that sooner or later almost everyone ends up in the kitchen for at least a few minutes. soo you can talk to everyone without seeking them out.

there's another place in the house that serves this purpose really well, also. i recall telling megs and pam about a party where i sat on the landing halfway up the stairs one night. the bathroom was upstairs and the party was down, so people wandered past me all night long, staying to chat on their way up or down. megs knowingly pointed out "you weren't drinking that night, were you?", but pam didn't get that.

rainy sunday

so i struggled in the door just a short while ago, after visiting someone i've neglected recently, in light of my delusions of rori-ness. i was distraught to find out that dylan, my most promising booty call prospect, has been transferred to the sunshine coast and is heading off today to sign the papers for his house purchase. so, when he called last nite and invited me over for martinis i leapt at the chance.

he told me that, faced with the relative isolation the sunshine coast, he's taking proposals from his female friends making their case for why he should take them on as wife. his preferred format is, naturally, power point. however, i'm not a big fan of this medium. while i assured him that i was fully fluent in this microsoft wonder (wouldn't want any perceived lack of skills count against me) i would rather state my case, um, in other ways.

well, i can't say that i actually want to get married and move to the sunshine coast, but either way it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening.

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nick also telephoned me last nite... i feel bad cause i called him to see what he was up to,then missed his call back. but i was otherwise occupied by that time and, really, i'm not sure that hanging out with him is an entirely good idea. sure is cute though. soo... maybe i'll call him later.

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i've more or less decided that hanging out with rori is a waste of my time. he doesn't want a friend, he wants a therapist. i'm not cut out for the work. maybe it's selfish of me - i'm sure it probably is - but at the same time, i just don't want to only be the girl that gets called when your life isn't going well, or when you are feeling blue. i don't mind being there to support my friends, but i do really open my hearts to them. so, it's hard on me when i realize that the friendship is not considered a two way thing. it's not that i like him more than he likes me, it's just that i'm willing to share my affections and he isn't.

St. Lucien's Day

I actually googled St. Lucien's day, and didn't come up with anything.

omg i'm tearing up over Friends. it's time for a boyfriend.... i mean, if you are gonna cry it may as well be for a good reason.

pam was mentioning today that we may be downsizing. the bp contract is still up in the water for 2004, and the other chances are still just that - chances. i fear for my little data admin. i do need a proco in training, for i don't believe that benny boy is at risk. they wouldn't take my actual project coordinator away from me (i hope!!!)

in other news... my wayward son has finally returned. the house once again resounds with death metal and the giggles of teenagers (male and female, mind). i missed him a lot.

also.. rori the fuckwit is still incommunicado. he's an emotional leper. i can't deal. will i go back for more? oh most likely. cause i'm an idiot.

dirty pretty thing

rori, i politely invite you to, at your earliest convenience, respectfully FUCK OFF.

i just can't play the games. why do i do this to myself? it puts me in a massive scary insecure place... he pushes and pulls at my heart and it makes me feel lost and alone. man, after the last couple of weeks, i just want to go back to having no friends, sitting in my apartment reading novels and surfing the net. blech.

cat did, after all, warn me about him and his patterns. so it is my own fault. and it's not like i didn't know his style... and he's been pretty honest. it's myself that i'm most upset with. i'm old enough to know better. i have to stop putting myself in a place where i can be hurt.

my favourite songs of all time

everlong - foo fighters
digital bath - deftones
how soon is now - the smiths
finished symphony - hybrid
xpander - sasha
dirty epic - underworld
temptation - new order
killing in the name - rage against the machine
synchronicity II - the police
black - pearl jam

Snow Day!

hmmm well i think i've failed to hold up each of my resolutions.. well, that's not true. i have actually made a sincere effort to cut back on my consumption of "white" food. but here it is, the sixth, and this is the first time i've written anything since new years.

oh well, best laid plans and all.

am home from work due to weather. i must admit, i feel a bit of a whinger for coming home when the snow appears to be only skiffing. but the driving conditions are so much worse than pg in similar weather. i drove down joyce behind a woman who was blocking the entire road doing 25km per hour. sooo frustrating.

well, i think rori is back on a 'push' day. man, i don't know what to do about that. i really like him... but i can't handle the games, you know? it makes my belly hurt. i knew this was going to happen -- it's my own fault. we can't hang out and be 'friends' cause we are totally attracted to each other, and neither one of us is that good at physical restraint, by any means. i have a feeling that he's going to be calling and saying that he can't handle even the friendship side of it. but i'm just gonna be relaxed and stay away; let him do what he needs to do. ultimately it's better for me to just avoid the whole situation. i do have a tendency to really want what i can't have... so i don't know. relax, dear sundae girl! the boys will always come.

oooobloomcountyooooo

ok, i just found a site that has berkeley breathed's favourite bloom county strips. i was delighted to see that *my* favourite strip was up -- the one where Opus gives up all "animalistically exploitative" products. love it love it love it. i do have to say that foxtrot, bloom county (and all of the berkeley breathed strips), and calvin and hobbes are beyond compare when it comes to social satire and commentary and just plain fun-ness. imho, anyway.

should auld aquaintance be forgot?

i spoke to my old best friend, scott, today for the first time in six months. well, let's be honest with ourself, shall we? he's not only my exboyfriend, he's probably the guy i should be married to right now. after we broke up, he moved away and we still stayed in contact with each other at least weekly. and then... we didn't.

i'll admit it: i screwed up. i let a bad relationship come between me and the best friend i ever had... it was just easier to let him slip away than to fight about it with psychojeremy. but scott is the one person that i genuinely regret letting go of... that i genuinely miss having in my world.

so i sucked it up and i called today. he's living with a girl now, has been for a while, and is really happy -- there's nothing left for me in that, nor do i think that it would work anyway. we are really different people. but i wish that there was some way i could express how i feel about losing him, without sounding like an idiot.. without letting too much of myself go. maybe i should just let it go? what happens when your now has spectres of your past hanging over it?

i think that this year i'm going to continue on with the voyage of self discovery i began last year -- i'm going to continue trying to right the wrongs that i committed upon myself during my relationship with psychojeremy and continue my healing process. i owe it to myself for sure. and i have come *so* far in the last year.. so much farther in the last six months than i ever would have believed. i am going to try seriously hard to restore peace and balance to my world.

i don't want to come off sounding too 'deep' or anything, but i really seek a sense of peace. this, i believe, is my new year's resolution:

• to surround myself with people who bring joy, laughter and learning to my life
  
• to find peace within myself and with my world
  
• to get to know my kid even better than i already do, cause he's an amazing person who changes and grows every day
  
• to take some classes and bring learning back into my everyday life
  
• to try and journal every day, either here or in my notebook
  
• to try and exercise more regularly
  
• to try and eat a little healthier, especially at work
  

they are all one resolution cause they are all part of the whole; all part of that family motto thing that calvin and i adopted "be good, do good, feel good". if i can accomplish even a few of these things, i will be making giant strides forward in becoming a better, healthier me.