saturday nights alright for fighting

so most of vancouver is still asleep, recovering from the nickleback extravaganza of last eve. another happening event i failed to attend. well, i can't be a poetically tragic loner if i am too social, now can i? mind, i could give two shakes about nickleback. probably a sign that rori and i could never work - one that i should have picked up on much earlier - is his love for not only nickleback but also kid rock. who, i will grant, is a decent hip hop producer. but that's all i'll give him. stringy haired creep.

i woke this morning on the road to recovery from my cold, but with the kind of neck/head ache that comes from a restless night. i forgot to open my window last nite before climbing into bed and so i think that the stale air got to me. i do have a tendency to hold tension between my shoulder blades. oh i have to remember to try and find out about that reflexology class. calvin expressed interest in attending with me.

i can't actually remember what i was dreaming about all night, but i awoke with the sense that something had been lost. i don't know what it is - it's just a kind of bereft sense of missing something or someone. i feel the need to make a major change in my life - perhaps i am just looking for some direction. it's my purpose that is lost.

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it's funny the way that i get caught up in the lives of the characters of the books i'm reading - they become like real people to me. i have to be careful because my fantasy life does tend to be richer than my true life. is that a sign of some kind of disorder? how easy would it be for me to slip into my dream world; to totally lose touch with my reality? stacy used to laugh at me - watching me choose a personality to wear out for the evening like it was a frock or a costume, standing at the verge of the club or the party and taking a breath and slipping it into place like you slip a dress over your head and down past your hips. it's the days when i'm tired that i have bad days at work - i can't quite muster the energy to pull the mask out of the bag and place it over my face.

the sad thing is, though, that so few people know who i really am. why is it that its so easy to let so few people in past the mask? why did mike b. get in so easily, for example? actually, that's an easy question to answer -- we started out talking to each other almost exclusively on msn. actually we still talk that way most of the time, and see each other in person a couple of times a week. nick only knows the work / party me (the work me is just a toned down version of the party me. both personalities require the same energy and effort). well, i guess he's seen glimpses - christmas treats for him & nate; the poem i wrote out for him; the cake for nate. but spread so thin...

darren says that i still have my walls up. that i haven't properly healed from psychojeremy, and that i never will until i let someone in -- someone who isn't guaranteed to hurt me, thereby justifying my determination to keep people at a distance. remarkably astute for a young guy. mind you, he'd like to be that person. but i know he's just thinking about me. my question, that no one seems to be able to answer, is HOW? how do i do it? how do i let the right people in and keep the wrong people out? it's not like i don't identify the wrong people right off the bat -- knew rori was gonna be trouble from day one -- but still those are the people who i bring into my world.

i don't know. any ideas?