after further investigation

if i'd gone to n²'s house on friday evening, i would have been the only girl in the company of 11 men. now, why don't they *tell* me these things?

where are all the good men dead..

in the heart or in the head?

ok i know that is from grosse pointe blank. but where is it originally from? does anyone know?

beasties

all rise and give thanks to our lord.

vancouver in the sunshine

i love this city when the sun is shining... had brunch with mike b and maktaaq at on my favourite patio overlooking the water (mmmchocolatecroissantmmmm), then went wandering from pottery sale to garage sales with mike b and a friend of his, then hit jericho beach for a picnic of yummy cheese made on vanisle by mike's cousins, fresh strawberries, black olive bread, hummus, avocado and miss vickies jalapeno chips. could life get any better?

finds -
(from the pottery sale)
a really cool blue bowl with a handle and pour spout ($4)
another beautiful bowl, aqua and purple shiny glaze for my mama (mom's day is next week, y'all) ($8)

(garage sailing)
a paperback copy of caligula & other plays by albert camus (50 cents)
the "magic maui" cookbook (50 cents)
and.. this really cool round box with 'camembert' written on it in deco style french writing... will blend superbly with my 'french bistro' style kitchen, should i ever get it. ($1 - kudos to mike b's friend for discovering it and giving it up to me la la la)

once upon a time

someone emailed this to me.. since i have been shaking my head in wonderment at the sacrament of marriage, of late, i thought i'd post it...

Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and setup housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~


I don't fucking think so...

booty call?

so my msn started beeping in the middle of the nite (just before 3?). it was N2's friend, who added me one evening when we were hanging at the home of n² drinking whiskey. "come to n²'s place!" he said. "N2 wants me to tell you to get over here.."

so not only was it *fully* a booty call, it was a booty call by proxy. how funny is that?

todae's horoscope:
"You're going to be even more lethally charming than usual -- which is really saying something. Better get ready to attract all kinds of admirers, like it or not. If you're sure you're not interested, keep your head down. "

a brief update

so here is what is going on with mr. married. i successfully managed to stay away from him today. well, not including the couple of times he came up to visit me - one was when he first arrived at work, and one was a legitimate work concern. things have been.... there. i actually wish i could will them away, but i'm really bad with that sort of thing - if i see a limit i have to push it. if there's a rule in place, i have to, if not break, at least bend it a little. if there's something that someone tells me i absolutely shouldn't do, i have to have just a little taste. at least once.

things are at the point where we chat fairly regularly (if it weren't for this darn crush i'd be super stoked at the new friend i've made). actually, as an attachment to that thought, if it weren't for the crush would i have had the opportunity to develop a friendship with this person? i'm not sure.. and yesterday, he came upstairs and was showing me something on the computer and actually put his hand over mine to move the mouse. which would be ok if i didn't know how to use the mouse. or if he was really showing me something on the computer, not just showing me for show, you know?

though anonymous was vaguely out of line for offering advice, s/he is correct. 'doing it', in any sense of the phrase, is such a bad idea. i get myself convinced that i have nothing to lose. but i do - sleeping with or becoming involved with a man who is married, and happily married i might add, is so far away from how i define myself. i'd lose so much self respect. and since i'm just (finally) getting that back after 3.5 yrs with psychojeremy, that's not a position i want to be in. i'm just not sure how i a)get myself into such situations and b)get myself out of them without losing a friend and making life awkward round the watercooler.

today's bad joke (courtesy of maktaaq)

Ireland's worst plane disaster struck today when a two-seater plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish rescue workers have recovered 828 bodies.

Digging continues...

so funny

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A
helpless man wearing a Calgary Flames jersey, was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three
men wearing Vancouver Canucks jerseys on board. One quickly fired a
harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled
the bleeding, semi-conscious Flames fan from the water. Then, using
hockey sticks the three heroes' in the Canucks jerseys beat the shark
to death and hauled it up into the boat.



Ø Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions." he told them. "I heard that
there was some bitter hatred between the Flames and Canucks fans, but
now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was
that?" It was the Pope, one replied. "He is in direct contact with
God and has access to all of Gods wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have Gods wisdom, but he doesn't
know shit about shark fishing.............how's the bait holding up?"

lazy

i'm really lazy this evening.. i blame the fact that i had spaghetti for lunch then a veggie burger for dinner. definately a carbohydrate overload. ooo but i did discover that if i crumble up tofu with italian seasonings into the spaghetti sauce when i heat it, the texture and consistency (and flavour, really) totally remind me of having big chunks of cheese in the pasta. my god how i've missed that... yum yum yum.

the boy has a computer game on autoplay or something in his room. emanating from beneath the door are sounds of murder, mayhem and machine guns. i think i should light a candle and play some soothing music, or else i shall most certainly have nightmares.

the new mike from friday nite called me this evening. actually we have been playing phone tag since sunday - it's been quite a marathon session. he invited me out, but since it's during the week and all i want to do is lounge about in my jammies and watch situation comedies, i could not bring myself to accept. hopefully he won't think me a lame ass for declining... i did sort of explain my herculean work hours so hopefully he shall be understanding.

there- that's it. i'm done for the nite. sleep tight, all. *kisses*

kick butt horoscope today

"Your intensity may be too much for certain people to handle. Oh well. It's their loss. You have no problems with being who you are. You'll do what makes you happy, and you'll live with the consequences, if any. This is how the right individuals find you. Take each other at face value, fully confident that what you see is what you get. Everybody wins in the games that you like to play. And if someone can guess what's most likely to turn you on, he or she will be your friend for life, or at least until the magic wears off."

things i like about me and things i don't

let it not be said that raspberry sundae is too much of any one thing. in an attempt to define myself, for myself, i am going to run through a string of words and phrases. if you don't care, please feel free to navigate away from the page. no one wants you to do something you don't want to do, or read something you don't want to read.

i am...

a flirt; a blonde (both natural and unnatural); fond of speeding; fond of laughing; more than fond of making people laugh; someone who kisses her friends in bars, just cause she loves them; the kind of girl who will smack you on the naked ass mere hours after meeting you; the kind of girl who will crawl into bed with her best friends first thing in the morning to chat and snuggle; a pillow hog; smarter than the average bear; book smart but street stupid; a pusher of limits, regardless of the consequences; a good cook; a caring and energetic parent; lover of books; lover of sunshine; lover of daisies and tulips and sunflowers; a slave to my allergies; addicted to chocolate and coffee; in love with roadtrips and the freedom of an empty highway; incurably in search of something new; very single, and quite pleased with that situation; a dancing fool; into electronica and metal and punk and new rock and classical music and opera and folk and radio pop; someone who wishes she had a green thumb and could play an instrument; someone who longs for something just beyond her reach but is in love with the quest for that thing; someone who can't stop moving and wonders why you would ever want to; someone who thinks that the years you are alive don't age you, it's fear of change that does; someone who really sincerely tries to accept people for who they are without judgment; someone who believes in the threefold law; enjoys her job most days; enjoys walking in all weather; enjoys meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends; an insomniac who has nightmares fairly regularly; a geek; a nerd; a 'cool kid'; a fashion victim; a thrift store junky; a lover of main street, commercial drive, fourth ave, cambie and broadway; a fiend for brunch; a dancer on tables and sidewalks and streetcorners; the easter bunny; a leo; sad that 'cabbages and kinx' burned down; into movies; addicted to mystery novels; occasionally consumed with regret that she left university; insistent that they are kitty ears, not devil horns, regardless of what N¹ says; not into video games, board games, or head games; very into shopping and eating out and hiking; trying to get back into running; close to my family; averse to cleaning, especially vacuuming; looking forward to the summer; missing my sister; in search of the perfect italian deli and the best used bookstore in vancouver...

wow,this is harder than i thought. which, i suppose, is a good thing. i'd probably be really upset if i could only come up with a few...

well, i guess i should reward you for still being here. try this.

this just in:

this from msnbc.com:

"Chocolate is one of America’s favorite treats. For most, the draw is the great aroma and taste. Others like the hint of it being an aphrodisiac. For some, it's all about the polyphenols!

Polyphenols?

As an antioxidant, polyphenols help the body's cells resist damage from free radicals, which damage cell structure and are formed in our normal body processes. Recent research indicates that polyphenols may even enhance the proliferation and activation of T-lymphocytes -- white blood cells that fight infections and regulate other immune responses. Polyphenols can also prevent cardiovascular disease as they minimize the oxidation of low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol, which is a major factor in the promotion of coronary disease such as heart attack and stroke.

But not all chocolate is "super" — the amount varies by the type of chocolate. In 1.25 ounces you find these levels of the nutrient:

Cocoa powder: 1,300 mg
Dark chocolate: 700 mg
Milk chocolate: 300 mg
White chocolate: 0 mg (White chocolate is made just from the cocoa butter and technically is not a chocolate.)
The higher the amount of cocoa content, the higher the amount of antioxidant. Most high-quality chocolates now list the cocoa content on the label.

And what’s the latest on all that talk about chocolate as an aphrodisiac?

It turns out that chocolate is a mood-enhancer after all. Chocolate contains phenethylamine (PEA), which stimulates the nervous system, triggering the release of endorphins, opiate-like compounds that dull pain and give a sense of well-being. There are also chemicals in chocolate that increase the activity of dopamine, a neurotransmitter directly associated with feelings of sexual arousal and pleasure. Additionally, chocolate can also boost levels of serotonin, the happy neurotransmitter, especially in women (who tend to be more sensitive to chocolate than men). And yet another way chocolate can make us feel good: It inhibits the natural breakdown of anandamide, a neurotransmitter normally found small amounts in the brain, which can produce a feeling of euphoria.

That’s the good news. Chocolate, of course, is heavy in fat and sugar, with the general rule that the better the chocolate, the less harm it will do you. Good quality chocolates are made with a higher proportion of cocoa butter, a fat composed of approximately one-third proportions of oleic acid, a monounsaturated fat like in olive oil, and stearic acid and palmitic acid, which are saturated fats. Oleic acid has been shown to lower both total and LDL cholesterol. And interestingly, although stearic acid is a saturated fatty acid (SFA), unlike other SFAs, it does not seem to affect blood cholesterol. Palmitic acid, however, does raise blood cholesterol, so even good quality chocolate should be eaten in moderation. Remember, not all chocolate is made with cocoa butter, so be sure to read labels.

And don’t forget that chocolate contains caffeine. One 1.5-ounce bar of dark chocolate contains about 30 milligrams of caffeine, milk chocolate contains 10 mg, and an 8-ounce serving of hot cocoa contains 5 mg. In comparison, an 8-ounce serving of brewed coffee contains 135 mg of caffeine, 12 ounces of Mountain Dew contains about 56 mg, and cola contains about 35 mg."

off on a tangent (careful, may be considered shallow by some)

so i was sitting in a sunbeam this morning, sipping coffee while reading the globe and mail, when i came across yet another in the ever-increasing number of articles by a print artist regarding the validity/value/voraciousness of weblogs. i read it with interest, being a person who has a few opinions (which, by the way, are based in a fairly indepth education in new media theory) of her own.

as a rule, "print" columnists reject on-line writing, especially blogs, as superfluous. i think that this is because of any number of reasons but, to me, it seems that the first and foremost is the webs accessiblity to the masses. modern mainstream print culture is elitist by definition. please note that i have added the caveat 'mainstream'; 'zines and independent broadsheets circumvent this but are, i would wager, less accessible than a free on-line medium such as blogger. please note, as well, that i have added the caveat "modern". the origins of widespread print publication in western culture began as a grassroots phenomenon. the invention of the printing press offered to the masses a means of cheaply disseminating thoughts, opinions and, on occasion, pure bullshit, for lack of a better term. publication was no longer in the control of the monastaries or the ruling classes, who previously had commissioned or produced hand-reproductions of select texts and tomes. this, itself, posits a disturbing truth: when the ruling class control the information being produced and reproduced, they, essentially, control thought and history.

texts are repositories of social value - both product and producer of culture. history cannot be divided from literature, as literature cannot be separated from history: the two are symbiotically intertwined. this idea is informed by the work of stephen greenblatt, a new historicist thinker, who positions history within the commodities of art - the text, the performance, the image. he describes history as "enabling condition, shaping force, forger of meaning, censor, community of patronage and reception. and the work of art is not the passive surface on which this historical experience leaves its stamp, but one of the creative agents in the fashioning and re-fashioning of this experience" (from shakespearian negotiations; the circulation of social energy in renaissance england). it is impossible, therefore, to separate text from context - every work of literature is the product of the culture in which it was produced. the lines between fiction and the 'true' culture which it represents - and by which it was constructed - are blurred. so, too, it is difficult to identify the deliniation between author and reader. the text which unites them, which draws them together, also serves to obscure the boundaries between producer and consumer of the text.**

by resisting the value and importance of online publications, print journalists resist relinquishing the power to control thoughts and values. the article that inspired this entry, for me, was written by a regular globe columnist - lynn crosbie. she states: "the quality of the sandys' writing is not at issue: i am sure my own diary contains less penetrating insights, but that is the point. diaries, since the advent of the japanese pillow book, were designed as secret repositories for, largely, women's personal, inaccessible-to-others thoughts, hopes, fears, dreams and so on. while diary writing may be viewed as repressive, when examined as a virtually female practice... this same genre offers everyone the opportunity to create an importantly antagonistic position against surveillance, against unwanted invasions. if the blog offers diarists the opportunity to find thousands of like-minded friends, their value is clear. secrecy is a complex issue, one which is too often joined to loneliness and fear of disclosure. but the chaos of intimacy that blogs represent also speaks to a new generation's inability to grasp secrecy's greatest virtue, what uncensored autonomy it provides".

for me, ms crosby is missing the point in one central area. much of our knowledge of past cultures comes from private writings (i cite here the example of samuel pepys). archaeology is anchored by the examination of the garbage of everyday life - cracked pottery, shards of urns, scraps of weaving. the writing of the masses, not the elite, offer the deepest insights into the everyday culture of human life. as well, lynn crosbie's columns are printed validation of her thoughts and opinions; the fact that she is paid to produce them is her employer's tacit approval that her thoughts and opinions do not deviate to vastly from their own. she does, however, hit the nail on the head in one pertinant area: the blog phenomenon is a product of our cultures' deviated relationship with secrecy. we live in a 'reality tv' nation. the private has become the domain (indeed, the bread and butter) of public commodity culture, and even the least media savvy denizen has been affected by this. weblogs are, perhaps, just a natural outpouring of the average person's desire for their 15 minutes of fame (please see 'pamie' - who wrote a book based on writing a blog, or 'belle de jour' who is one of the latest to broker a book deal based directly on her on-line journal).

most weblogs are just the day to day meanderings of people who don't really have much to say - and i'm not discluding myself from this pot. however, i don't believe that ms crosby is more qualified to write about everyday culture than many of the people creating web journals (see my sidebar for 'tale of two cities', 'the amateur gourmet', 'belle de jour'). does anyone really care if a woman named sandy failed in her attempts to create pad thai for a party of ten? not really. however, the fact that she was compelled to record it does speak to the inherent nature of our culture - therein lies the value and validity of the blog.


**case in point - this very blog entry has been driven by anonymous commenting (which represents, in itself, a fracture between the traditional divisions between reader and writer), a series of articles in a variety of medium (print and electronic), and my own thoughts, feelings and education. am i a producer or a consumer?

gmail

ohh i have a gmail account now. how fun is that? i am easily accessible at raspberrysundae@gmail.com. in case you are interested.

there's quite the brouhaha brewing over the anonymous comment poster. a note was left on moxee's blog that her postings are shallow. i was under the impression that a blog was a personal thing that you share (or don't) with other people. as far as i know, i'm under no impetus to offer entertainment value, deep philosophical musings or anything else. if you don't care to read my thoughts, move on. you won't hurt my feelings by not reading me. i don't really check my stats that often, and when i do it's from curiosity, not from some kind of deep competitive drive. but please don't make judgemental personal comments or criticisms. i enjoy constructive criticism and invite differing opinions, but really, this is my space. if you insulted me in my home i'd ask you to leave - why would it be any different here?

anonymous

"don't do it!!!" anonymous says, o-so-emphatically. who are you, anonymous? and why do you get to give advice without sharing who you are? why would i trust you if you even give that much? come on now, step up!

i was speaking with monte last nite - well speaking via msn, where i am always much braver - and we talked a bit about the 'thing' (for lack of a better word) that lives between us. he's trying to give it a go with his girlfriend and i really respect that- he's not been so good with the faithfulness in the past, so i think it's awesome to see him happy with someone and trying to make it 'work'. i did ask for a moment of selfishness, which he granted. i told him that someday i'd like the opportunity to explore what there is between us - to give it the attention that it deserves, cause we are really good friends, and have an amazing time together, and lots in common and are completely attracted to each other. he replied that he's thought of this before, and having me say it gives him more to think about. this is fun, of course, but a little scary, too. the elder n gives me butterflies, and i'm totally drawn to him. i have a major crush on mr. married, but that's a crush and if i was distracted it would go away in about a nanosecond. monte... he's different. and bad for me. and so very far away. why am i thinking about this? hmm probably cause i worked way to much today, and i'm starting to wonder what the heck is going on with my life, as i do every month or so.

shit. i'm over thirty. you'd think that i'd have this figured out by now.

gak!

i followed a link from another blog to a 'daily leo' horoscope. this is what it said:

That coworker -- who just might be a supervisor -- isn't thinking about the position they'll be putting the two of you into if you become involved. They're only thinking about how nice it would be to enjoy your company.

oh-oh--ohlund

ok, so i'm doing a little 'psych me up' game prep at canucks.com and what do i find? this GREAT article about mattias ohlund. i'm going to paraphrase for you:

"He looks lighter than the 220 pounds of muscle he carries.... A silky smooth defender... "I'm at my best when I play physical ... hard ... focused," Ohlund said quietly...." and is then described by fellow canuck trevor linden: ""He's just a horse back there,"

so what we have is a muscular 220lb man who is best at playing physical and hard, who's a horse. oh my god i may never be the same.

fun things

today's thrift shop / jumble sale finds:

• 4 trashy mystery novels (they're like crack, but more addictive) - $5
  
• hardcover 'old' books (ulysses, crime and punisment, les mains sales (de sartre en francais), come live with me and be my love (a treasury of renaissance painting and poetry, and a superlative copy of milton's paradise lost that calvin confiscated before i even made it in the door. - $5
  
• a sheer short sleeved little black blouse to be worn with jeans - $1
  
• a very fun sixties mod style scarf in pale pinks and blues (almost pucci, but pucci done by the easter bunny) - 25 cents
  
• lemon chamomile and vietnamese coriander plants for my herb garden - $2.50 each.
  

not bad, huh?

alert!

at the tsswassen (how in god's name do you spell the ferry place) hospice thrift shop, there are a pair of vintage ladies slingbacks TO DIE FOR. size 5 1/2 or six; $4. go get them.

saturday morning

today: You're craving intensity, and you'll stop at nothing to get it. Before you dash off to try skydiving, consider this: Isn't there someone you've been thinking of inviting over? Sounds equally exciting -- and a whole lot safer.

what am i going to do today? my usual brunch partner is off doing culturally expansive things (i hate it when people get all self improving on me); my car has a flat that needs repair so that i'm not trapped here at home all weekend; i met no distractions last night, and it's not really very nice out. wah wah wah cry me a river ms raspberry..

why the pity party, she asks herself? not sure - may have something to do with the +40 hour work week, and the bottle of champagne i consumed last nite. i'm not hungover, but am definately feeling sluggish at best. i think i should put some cucumber slices on my eyes and kick my day in the ass....

how fun is this?

ok so i'm a little celebrity vain. but i had to check to see what celebrity i most resembled. apparently the answer is alyssa milano, jamie lee curtis, and / or debra messing. those of you who actually know what i look like can judge for yourselves.

hmm not sure this is good advice

todae's horoscope:

It's all about your instincts. Trust your gut to lead you in an exciting new direction. You may be disappointing someone who cares about you, but don't let their emotions suck you in.

shaking my head

ok so this crush on the coworker (the same coworker of the aforementioned dirty dreams and, by the way, WIFE) may be getting a little out of hand. it's bad enough that i have it, but now i know that it's reciprocated. in a big way. how do i know this, you may ask? well, cause we came very close to playing a little game of "i'll show you mine if you show me yours" in the stairwell. i don't know his situation - i don't know what kind of understanding he has with his family or anything. and, quite frankly, i'm sort of afraid to ask. regardless, it's bad karma all around, if there is anything less than an 'open' sort of arrangement. and, since the topic has never been mentioned, i don't imagine his wife considers it such.

i tried to get the younger n to come out with me tomorrow nite and sample some of the party favours so generously bestowed upon me by mr. monte last weekend. i thought that would be a highly effective way of distracting me. unfortunately, he's going off to the island again this weekend... so i shall have to find alternative methods of self-distraction. mike b. did mention a house party that may be worth checking out... hopefully there will be cute boys (other than mike b, who is cute as a button).

oh, by the way: for your viewing enjoyment here is a link to a crazy lady. her son is 8. that's EIGHT years old. she's still breastfeeding. check out the photos. read the caption of the one of her and her son kissing. blech.

todae's horoscope:

Desire shapes you. Impulse drives you. You're an acquired taste, but you knew that.

which britney spears song are you?

I'm A Slave 4 U - Sexy, horny, kinky - you're a
wild cat in bed. Just remember, no glove, no
love.


Which Britney Spears single are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

d'oh

ok... so i should have elaborated more, but i was tired and road-stoned..

why am i not dating monte? well, first off cause we live a long way apart. despite my fairly frequent grumblings, i probably am not moving back there anytime soon. and, despite his fairly frequent grumblings, he's probably staying there for a while. secondly, he's a bit of a dog. i don't think i'm strong enough to date someone who i *know* is sleeping with a lot of people who are generally a *lot* younger than i am.

that said, i'd probably do it if we did live closer together. we always have a tonne of fun.

i got to work this am to discover 98 new emails in my inbox. that's NINETY EIGHT. 9-8.

back in van

things i realized this weekend:

1) pg is still a pretty ugly place this time of year
2) vancouver may be the only place in the province where it is not only acceptable but expected that you drive 90kph on major city streets
3) people in pg stare. a lot.
4) my favourite italian deli is *still* my favourite italian deli
5) my grandma is one peppy lady for someone who is 84 and has been quite ill in the last few months
6) i still love mr and mrs palmer and they are still my absolute role model for marriage
7) the reason i have had so much trouble finding a man i 'click' with here in vancouver is cause i know monte.

i think this last point needs some elaboration. remember way back when (phew must be at least a week now) when i was pondering the fact that i may be looking for something in a man that doesn't exist, and that i may just have to give in to that fact? you know, it's not true. i'm looking for some pretty basic things - mostly, what i want is to get butterflies in my belly when i see the person, and know that they get them when they see me. when monte opened his door the other nite, i didn't get butterflies in my belly, i got them all the way to the tips of my fingers. and the crazy thing is that i *know* he gets them too. there's tangible electricity between us; we are in physical contact the whole time we are in each other's presence; we have great conversations and tonnes of fun together.... so really, if i can find that in someone who i've known for 5 years (they've been there since i first laid eyes on him, and sex didn't make them go away the way it usually does) theoretically i should be able to find them in someone else, right? right.

sundae's friday horoscope

how good is this one?

"You have so much to give. You can take a lot, too. This has to do with tolerance as well as good-natured larceny. You're just a ball of mischievous energy. Your plans are as big as your appetite. They're also subject to change at a moment's whim. If you're trying to make someone love you or be your friend, don't worry. You're irresistible right now. All of your victims are willing. All the same, try not to take too much advantage of them. For aesthetic reasons, the contest has to at least look like a fair game."

home again, home again, jiggity jog

it must be a sign - i stepped out to get timmys this morning (my brother is not a coffee drinker) and came away with a "free donut" roll-up-the-rim. what does this mean? is pg inherently better luck for me than lotusland? should i be looking for permanent employment and decent housing?

i always have such mixed feelings about this place. when i'm in van and am feeling particularly disconnected, i think back on pg and remember the bits and pieces of good things in my life when i lived here and really miss it. then i come back and look around and remember the things that frustrated me beyond belief and am glad to no longer be here.

i think that this spring will bring good changes in my life, though. moving closer to the city (hopefully within a short distance of a good italian deli and a used book store); making my home my own not just a place where i store my stuff; bringing friends into my home again - these things will all go a long way towards making me feel more at "home" in vancouver.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
on a completely different note, i have a bit of a personal dilemma. i have developed a crush on someone who is seriously married. now, karmically speaking, this is something that i sort of promised myself would never happen again. but, crushes are crushes and sometimes you can't do much about them, right? i really need to start getting out more - going to places where decent single straight men congregate. i wonder where that would be? maktaaq- perhaps you and moxee and i should go prowling? there is a serious girls nite out planned for the near future. i think that would be a fine opportunity for such conquests.

sleeping in

ok, so as testimony to exactly how tired i was this week: i fell asleep watching tv *before* ten o'clock last nite, and slept for almost 11 hours. straight through. it was one of those sleeps where you know you were solid 'cause you are in pretty much the same position you went to bed in, and your hair hasn't moved much...

the clouds are moving in from the victoria region. see, i blame victoria cause my brother went to uni there, and it was a constant 'thing' with him to brag about how beautiful the weather in that city was. i could be watching a live broadcast of torrential rain and wind or freak hailstorms in our fair capital city, and he'd be swearing up and down that it was sunny and 22degrees. so now, whenever the weather turns bad, i say that it's blowing in from victoria.

moxee played the alphabet game on her blog today, and i'm going to copy her - just for fun. i think everybody should do it at least once. the 'before the slash' words are things i really like; the 'after the slash' words are things i dislike.

A - avocados, applesauce, adventures / ambulances, angry people
B - black, buttery toast, boots, bagels, boys, buttons, bubble baths / babies, bandaids, bingo
C - Calvin, cheese, cats, chocolate, coffee, candy, cake, cooking, Canucks, cinnamon / cooked carrots, cavities, cranberry juice
D - dates, dancing, dares, dave grohl / dull
E - elbows, ears, eyes / eggs, enemies
F - friends, fights (the good ones), fellatio, fun, fiddleheads, fairy tails / fights (the bad ones), frustration, freaking out
G - ghost stories, gum, giggling, gingerale, gingersnaps, ginger in general, giddiness, guys in glasses / games, grime, garishness
H - hockey, happiness, hugs / hairy legs (on me), humility, hissy fits, haughty
I - indecency, innocence, indigo ink, imbibing, intellligence, ikea / industry, insecurity, indifference
J - junk food, juice, jingles, jammies, James Joyce / jumping to conclusions
K - kissing / kindergarten
L - lovers, limes, lemons, lingering, liberty / losing, lying, laundry
M - making out, moms, memories, mike b, moxee, mutt, maktaaq / missing someone, missing my marbles
N - N², nudity, naughtiness / nakedness, normality, near-misses
O - orgasms, oranges, ornateness, ohlund / opulence, oratories, obviousness
P - pink, peanuts, pastries, 'the palmers' / pain, peeing all the time, patience
Q - quiet moments / quitting
R - running, racing, raspberries, rhymes, rambling / running away, racism
S - sex, smiles, summer sundays, sundaes, sunny days / stuck in traffic
T - tanginess, tarts / temper tantrums
U - underwear, umbrellas / unhappiness
V - vodka! / vindictiveness
W - water, wanderlust, wine / whining, wasps
X - x-rated / the lack of x words
y - yams, yoga / yelling
z - zig zagging through life / zits

now you try!

mobility

did i mention that i have a new *pink* mobile phone? how cool is that? there are rumours afoot at work about favouritism, but i see no correlation....

i have worked 57 hours this week. i'm so tired it actually is requiring a great deal of effort to type. so forgive me for my sporadic posting of the past few days..

calvin and mike b. and i went to brunch at provence today... man what a gorgeous place for a sunny saturday breakfast. we sat on the patio overlooking the water, watched the world go by, drank coffee and ate pastries. it's days like today that remind you of all that is right with the world.

wow, what an uninspired post. the really scary thing is how long it actually took me to write it...

seriously funny

the exorcist in thirty seconds and reinacted by bunnies. what more can you ask for?

belly full of pizza

it has come to our attention here at the sundae sanitarium that young maktaaq will no longer be joining us each day at our place of employ. she's moving on to better and more artistically fulfilling things. so while we are torn by our joy for her, (congratulations!) we are also sad to see her go. so farewell sweet maktaaq; you are always welcome for saturday brunch.

i'm sitting here lulled into complacency by a bubble bath and a belly full of pizza. those of you who are aware of my difficulty with food allergies will understand what a double edged sword pizza is for me. for those who don't know me, let it just be said that if you melted cheese on a styrofoam cup, chances are i'd eat it with gusto. however, i have also been faced, in the last week or so, with my underlying difficulties (allergy wise) with food.

the way it was explained to me is that when you are allergic to certain kinds of food, they are more or less toxic to you. the more you continue to consume these types of foods, the more the toxins build up in your system, making you more and more sensitive to all types of food. about a year and a half ago, i was at the point where pretty much *everything* made me sick. i think i could eat miso soup and bagels, but that was pretty much it. the day that a toasted buttered bagel made me throw up was the day that my best friend (the lovely and charming stacylicious - who has been mentioned in these pages before) dragged me to the doctor, who referred me to an allergist, who poked me with stuff and made me blotchy and itchy and figured out what, indeed, i *am* allergic to.

anyhoo, the gist of all of this is that food is starting to make me sick again. the scary part of this fact is that i have a certain amount of, um, shall we say, anxiety about food. this stems from, in part, my allergies, but that's not all of it. it's kind of a weird cycle - when my allergies are acting up and certain foods start to make me sick, i start having anxiety attacks when i eat lots of different kinds of foods - even ones that shouldn't bother me. when i have anxiety attacks, i throw up. so the lines of where the allergies are making me sick and where the anxiety is making me sick kind of become blurred. so how do i deal with this? hmm i think that perhaps i just have to take it in hand - give myself a variation of the allergist prescribed 'elimination diet' (but one not so severe - i was losing over a pound a day on that one) and stick to it for a week. i'll clean out my system and get this food fear under control again.

birthdaes

so i believe that i illustrated massive restraint this evening in simply *purchasing* a birthday cake for n2, rather than whipping out my apron and my eggbeaters and fixing a double chocolate / strawberry wonder crowned with mocha creamcheese icing, as had been my original plan. not that i couldn't do it. it'd be good,you know. i'm a good cook. i definitely don't try to win men's hearts through their stomachs, at all. never. that's so not me. but i listened to the voice of reason (personified today through the msn scribblings of sarah) as it asked me... "is he worth it?" and i had to say... hmm probably not. so i didn't. i just went to the market and purchased one. then, however, as i was wracked with the kind of guilt that only irish catholics who pride themselves on their cooking get, i had to stop and get him a sixpack of his preferred malt beverage to atone for my sins.

happy birthday, nick!

pensive sundaes

memory is a funny thing, huh? i'm saying this cause today calvin and i went to see 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' - unbelievably good, by the way - which is, of course, all about memory.

if you could erase someone from your thoughts, would you? how much easier would life be if you could just blank out the memories and emotions associated with that person? how much of 'you' - your self, your spirit, the stuff that makes you who you are - would you lose along with it? if i could just erase psychojeremy from my memories, how would it change who i am? would i still be fucked up about relationships, but no longer have any frame of reference for understanding why? or would all my fears and insecurities disappear along with him? i'd no longer *have* any reason to be afraid to open up to people, would i?

but then, there are certain memories of times with jer that i'm not sure i'd want to get rid of. for over three years he was my best friend. in a lot of ways, he's the best friend i've ever had. mind you, he's also the *worst* friend i've ever had. but, for example, take the night we went car camping. it was very early spring - probably around this time of year, actually, which is still pretty cold, up there. no camp grounds were open, and i really wanted to go spend the night outside, in front of a fire. actually, what i really really wanted was to lie in my bed, curled up in a blanket or sleeping bag, looking at the stars and listen to loons. so jeremy came and picked me up in his pathfinder - the back seats were lying flat, and the back was filled with warm quilts and pillows. we drove out to a local lake, but it was all chained off for the winter season. he drove up and down the road trying to find a way to four wheel drive in, but the area was pretty much inaccessible. so we went back to his house, and he backed the truck as far as he could into his backyard, under the trees, and we lay in the back of his truck talking and looking at the stars through his sunroof. that's a memory i'd never want to lose.

it's a conundrum, huh? how far would you go to take away the hurt and sorrow of your past? would you want to do it at all?

the list

for those of you who are curious, a short-lived boyfriend and i created our 'lists' over too many carbs for dinner one nite (i could, at this moment, go off on a tangent about how, on that night, knew that it would be short lived because he invited me to dinner at a restaurant based solely upon the fact that he had a coupon, but i won't)

we had to pick 5 people who, no matter what, you have permission to sleep with. no matter how monogamous the relationship, if one of these people surfaces, it's fair game. so here's my list. numbers 5-2 are sort of fluid - they come in no real order other than for the sake of convenience. number one, however, has been number one for years and probably will be for years to come.

5) vin diesel
4) jason statham
3) jude law
2) johnny depp

and...

1) dave grohl. i love to love dave grohl.

i also have a bottom "top" five.. these people sort of float in and out of my consciousness... occasionally something propels them into the top five and knocks someone else out.

6) ewan mcgregor
7) david beckham
8) mattias ohlund
9) david draiman (singer from disturbed)
10) freddie ljunberg (a new entry!)

so, if you know any single men who remind you of any of the above, who are short but not too short, who can carry out an intelligent conversation about something, and who are not crazy, please send them my way.

the locker room experience

the other day, one of my coworkers came up to speak to me and could not contain his laughing. being self conscious by nature, i automatically assumed that i had something on my face, or i had missed a button in a pertinent area, or something else of the ilk. i pressed him for details, but he couldn't tell me - he told me to come down and see him later and he'd fill me in.

so i buzzed him on the office messenger network to get him to tell me. he responded that he had an important meeting to go to, and could not discuss this before doing so, but that he'd tell me as soon as he was done. when he came back online, i carried a certain amount of trepidation down the stairs to see what the heck was up. i stepped into his office and he closed the door behind me, then opened with...

"have you ever had an entirely inappropriate dream about a coworker?" i must say, that i blushed the colour of my namesake. trying to make light of it, i quipped "does that make me a succubus?"; to which he responded "if being a succubus involves a tongue ring, absolutely."

needless to say, whenever i see him in amongst the cubicles now, i have a bit of a giggle fit. i'm such a professional.

so hurt

i've been kicked out of my reading group.

weekly wrap-up

here we are, mid sunny saturday afternoon.. i can't help but feel like i should be out doing stuff, but whenever i leave my house i end up spending scads of money, so i have chosen to stay indoors.

i was rooting about in my herb garden (no, not *that* way, you dirty birds), enjoying the sunshine just now, and was delighted to discover that a large rosemary plant, a nice sized bunch of italian flatleafed parsley, and a small stem of dill weathered the winter. well, besides the huge patch of mint in the corner. my herb garden is something that i started out really excited about last spring - i went to a great little organic garden shop on westham island, purchased a large variety of plants and merrily plotted them out in a nice spot directly beneath my bedroom window. unfortunately, i am completely add and so was almost immediately distracted by something else. probably shoes, but you didn't hear that from me. i wandered out now and again to water it, and to pick some tasty items (especially tomatoes - i had a nice little bumper crop of baby tomatoes) but for the most part completely forgot that the thing existed. mind you, if i cooked more i'd probably use it more. but still. either way, i was glad to see a couple of my poor neglected flora had made it through the trials and tribulations of having me as a caretaker. it's really a wonder that calvin has managed to make it this long - i'm surprised he didn't wither and grow brown due to lack of water years ago. mind you, he has the advantage of being able to pour himself a glass of water....

today calvin and i met up with mike b. and ibrahim at the naam for brunch. every so often i do need a scrambled tofu and miso gravy fix. yum... calvin was more than delighted to discover that mike b and ibrahim are both fans of risk - he's been pining for someone to play with. i'm not very good with board games. i like cranium etc, but for the most part i can't sit still long enough to pay attention and plot strategy. then calvin and i headed off for downtown - i introduced him to my favourite used bookstore (macleods at pender & richards) where he promptly charmed the heck out of the little middle aged ladies running the place. he's off on a russian history / literature bent, so was hanging out in that corner talking anarchy and revolution with this 45yr old woman who was tidying the section. i don't think she quite knew what to do with him.

friday at last (again) (again)

A little girl goes into a pet shop and says,
"Excuse me mister, I want to buy a rabbit."

The pet shop owner asks, "Ah, what would you like,
a little fluffy white one or a cute brown one?"

The girl replies, "I don't really think my
python gives a fuck."

new shoes cure the blues

oooo just below the knee tight fitting kitten heeled super pointy black boots with two white racing stripes on each. on sale even. how fun is that?

how short is too short, you may ask... well let me tell you a little story about me.

i like short men. when i think back over the men i've dated, i can count on three fingers the number who have been over 5'7". it's just the way i'm made - i can't help it, don't ask me to explain it. psychojeremy, for example, is 5'3" tall. *however* (and this is a big however) i never felt *big* when i was with him. he walks tall, works out so is pretty broad, and has an attitude that has trouble getting through doorways. these are things i find attractive in men. i guess it's little big man syndrome, to a certain extent, but whatever. it does it for me.

the sunday nite excursion made me feel *big* - this is not a good thing for a girl who sometimes has issues with food. he was no shorter than el loco, but he didn't have the, i don't know, presence that the guys i usually date do. does that make any sense at all? nice guy; seems funny; not ugly... just not there. am i too picky?

lessons learned this week (well, since friday)

1) watch out for curried tofu
2) moxee and mutt are gracious hosts
3) it is, indeed, possible to fall in love with a canine (*waves* hi hank!)
4) there is such a thing as too short
5) temps cannot be counted on to show up for work
6) it is possible to avoid car trouble simply by covering the warning light with a fuzzy pink arm warmer
7) vodka tastes good mixed with lemonade and raspberry sourpuss.
8) north van has some cool spots that i'd like to spend the day exploring
9) it is just this side of impossible to get off the north shore at 4pm on a weekday
10) i'm not sure if tom robbins is my favourite author, anymore

sundae morning

being sick sux. being sick when you are visiting and have o-so-many fun plans sux even more. the suckiness of my sicky saturday was mitigated by the fact that mike b., mutt, and moxee-rama were such lovely and gracious people to be around...

mox & mutt - your home is a wonderful place to be, sick or otherwise. i shall come back (if am still invited ... ) and cook you dinner some day to say thank you. say hi to that handsome dog of yours- i think i'm in love... OH, and if you happen to be by the canoe club and run into the surfer boy, be sure to send him my kisses.

another down side to my sicky saturday is that i had to postpone my date with the new stockbroker boy. but, tonite we are to get together to have a mojito on the drive (how edgy urban is that?) and see where that takes us. yes, i realize that it is sunday, but why not go on a first date on a sunday evening? it sort of helps to ensure that this impetuous sundae girl will not take things too far (knowing you have to get up at 5.30 on monday morning sort of ensures that you are in bed by a decent hour).

mike b did have a hot date last nite. this would be why i haven't sent along my usual 8am WAKE UP text message. i thought that i'd be respectful of his potential need to sleep. nice of me huh? i'll do it at 9.

dessert

Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about
you!

No cheating.

If you were making a dessert and you had your choice of those below (or
some great bakery was baking the dessert of your choice), which would you
choose?

Angel food

Brownies

Lemon Meringue

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing

Strawberry Short Cake

Chocolate on Chocolate

Ice Cream

Carrot Cake

NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think
carefully.
What your choice will be!
!


---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----





OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about
you!

Angel food ... Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A
little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of
the day.
Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

Brownies ... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of
underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out
your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.

Lemon Meringue ... Smo! oth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are

an
excell ent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk
and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many
friends.

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing ... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very
grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious
in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

Strawberry Short Cake ... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other
people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be
overly emotional and annoying at times.

Chocolate on Chocolate ... Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very
creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You have a cold exterior
but are warm on the inside. You are not afraid to take chances. You will
not settle for anything average in! life. Love to laugh.

Ice Cream ... You like sports, whether it be football, hockey,
basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but
you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.
You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

Carrot Cake ... You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You
are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm
hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

i was chocolate on chocolate... no surprises there, huh?

grammar schmammer

You are the grammar Fuhrer. All bow to your
authority. You will crush all the inferior
people under the soles of your jackboots, and
any who question your motives will be
eliminated. Your punishment is being the bane
of every other person's existence, because
you're constantly contradicting stupidity.
Everyone will be gunning for you. Your dreams
of a master race of spellers and grammarians
frighten the masses. You must always watch your
back. If only your power could be used for good
instead of evil.


What is your grammar aptitude?
brought to you by Quizilla

csi nite

moxee wanted me to add 'nefarious' my list. so there it is.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
i have just come from london drugs. that place never fails to amaze me: i can go in for 3 items and come out with a cartload and a $100 tab. much like (so says mike b) costco. mind - at costco you go in for three items, come out with three items and *still* have a $100 tab.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
megs and i came within a hairs breadth of a severe reprimand from our ceo yesterday. we had very important business partners visiting our company and some of the 'girls' took one of the men out for dinner on tuesday evening. he was a good sport so we spent the time regaling him with tales of the pickton farm and why he should avoid pork products while visiting vancouver. at the end of the extremely enjoyable meal, i leaned over and said "tomorrow morning, you really need to tell [insert name of vp here] that megs and i took you to brandi's after dinner". what makes this funny is that anyone who knows either megs or i, individually, (or together, even worse) would fully believe this to be a sure thing. (brandi's is, for those gentle readers who are *not* in the know, the upscale strip club here in lotusland where b-lo had the indiscretion which led to the end of his relationship with j-lo.) anyhooo.... this fellow, recognizing a decent prank when he sees it, busted out with the line the following morning. *however* he managed to do it right in front of our ceo - a very family-oriented gentleman. megs reported back that she got "the look". fortunately, most of the execs at our company have a sure idea of the character of the two of us... and usually appreciate us for it.

which book are you?

more quiz fun!

You're Love in the Time of Cholera!
by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Like Odysseus in a work of Homer, you demonstrate undying loyalty by sleeping with as many people as you possibly can. But in your heart you never give consent! This creates a strange quandary of what love really means to you. On the one hand, you've loved the same person your whole life, but on the other, your actions barely speak to this fact. Whatever you do, stick to bottled water. The other stuff could get you killed.

this one, i find, is weirdly accurate...

drama queen?

how much of a drama queen am i?

According to your answers on the test, you are given to the occasional dramatic outburst. You seem to have days when you are calm and rational, yet others when you ride a temporary roller coaster of emotion. Yes, sometimes you overreact. Perhaps you are more sensitive in certain areas, like your love life or health. Or maybe you go a tad over-the-top during certain times of high stress (or fluctuating hormones... and this happens to both men and women!). Whatever the case, it would certainly be beneficial to keep the theatrics to a minimum. Going over-the-top can spice up your life but it also can cause unnecessary stress. When you're on the verge of freaking out, take a deep breath and consider how things fit into the big picture. Is it really worth it?

underused words (at least by me)

okay maybe i should preface this with an explanation. i have a vast vocabulary. however, the character of my employment sort of puts limitations on the words that i use. i find that many words are simply underutilized. these are not, necessarily, specialized words - often they are just fun to say. ergo - a list. feel free to add your own, as this is by no means a comprehensive list. in fact, as i think of the words that are residing in the dangerous grey areas of my memory, i shall try and blog them into perpetuity (ooo perpetuity). liberate the underused words! release them to the ether! give them life, i say!

perpetuity superlative juncture mezzanine flamboyant discombobulate intrinsic hegemony swift titillate uvula cerise chock-a-block bellicose

lascivious undulate peristalsis pounce indignant indigent semicircular seraphim happenstance sickle limpid languid asinine gargantuan

the red, it filters through

man i spent a lot of money today. the problem with me *having* money is that i like to *spend* it so much... but i guess i made a car payment, and got calvin some new shoes, and bought music and reading material. (justify justify justify).

was speaking with sarah earlier and we were in the same boat - we wanted to go out, but were caught in a lethargic stay at home vibe. we were to meet back here on the computer, but i've migrated to my sweatpants and taken my hair down. mind - if she came up with a tempting offer, i'd be all over it. at this point, though, i'm just tired and thinking of going out to rent a movie. actually, even that seems like a lot of effort at this point. how lazy is that?

i wonder if mike b would be up for a victoria visit next week? i feel the need for a bit of a roadtrip and since i missed out on moxeelcious fun when she was here i'm feeling a little deprived.

soo torn... what to dooooooo.... lol silly girl: watch hockey night in canada and lie about in my jammies. next weekend will be a grand one out. i promise i shall have exciting things to talk about at a later date.

musing

the nite of bun's goodbye fete, i wandered into a conversation between the younger n and some other guy from our work, who shall be called, from this point onward, smith. not because i'm protecting his privacy or anything (since when have i done that in this blog? mwah ha ha) but because i can't remember his name for the life of me. smith had been chatting jen up for most of the evening. i guess he has a tendency to attach himself to women and then become quite possessive of them after an hour or so spent together. knowing this, N1 went up to them and started talking to jen - not in an overly flirtatious manner or anything, just friendly like. smith became quite irate with N1. the conversation i wandered into stemmed from this - N2 was consoling him saying that there are two kinds of women - the 'arty' kind, and the other kind, which is the type that him & N1 end up with. i was trying to figure out where i fell into the mix - i wouldn't say that i'm particularly arty - at least in the way that i define myself i never see myself fitting into the kitschy artist style mode - but i can see how it would perhaps seem that way to an outsider. N2 never did answer me... he just backpedalled cause he was embarressed about pigeonholing and being called on it.

but it's interesting to think how the way that people view you is so much different from the way you perceive yourself, isn't it? would you want to know how others view you? i kind of do, sometimes - especially cause i do have a tendency to 'wear' personalities. there are certain people i'd like to take out and spend a lot of time with one on one so that they can see who i 'really' am... or at least see some of the other stuff i have to offer. but then, maybe that kind of stuff isn't interesting to the people i'm thinking of? hmm i don't know.

later that nite, when we were back at N²'s place, N2 was talking to john while i was getting a drink in the kitchen... i overheard john saying "she's so *nice*!".. and N2 saying "i *know* - she drove me all the way back her to get my id...". what was funny about the exchange was how *surprised* they sounded. don't i seem nice? i like to think i am...

my friend todd told me once that i was too "styley" for guys. is that what they mean by 'arty'? and why would i be too "styley"? what, exactly, does that mean? it totally stuck with me, though. i am trying so hard to be true to who i am - not an easy feat when i'm working at a corporate style job - that things like that really strike a chord; make me doubt myself a little bit. which i hate.

i guess it goes back to my desire to find a niche.. but then if i'm really comfortable with myself, is it that important to have people who are also comfortable with who i am? i think so. community... belonging.. these are all ingrained human desires and needs. i'm no different. i think i'm just looking in the wrong places - at least on the romantic side of things. i'm looking at guys who are looking for the 'other' kind of woman, i guess.

fave pop culture reference of the day

you can say what you want about "pop punk", but blink 182 are damn postmodern. this is my favourite pop culture reference in a least two days...

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

working from home *again*

so somewhere in the dregs of the evening a couple of saturdays ago, i was waxing rhapsodic about how easy it is to do your taxes via those little computer program thingys. and somehow, the outcome of these intoxicated ramblings was that i agreed to do nick's taxes for him. now this isn't a complicated thing - he has only one t4 and that's it: no rsps or anything. what's strange about the whole situation for me is that i now know more about his financial situation than i have about most of the people i've dated - including people i've lived with. and to think we are talking about two people who are afraid of commitment..

i've noticed that mike b is catching up to me in hits. i have been severely lax in my postings, so i apologize. this week has been a little hectic. i have even failed to mention my new shoes....

omg my new shoes. i wish i had a digital camera so i could post a photo. they cost a fortune but they are so damn cute: little black pumps with pointy toes and kitten heels and PINK stitching! i wore them to work the other day - we were doing a tour for some of our corporate style customers, and our vice prez brought the group over to our "pod". the whole time he was doing his speil, one of the women in the group was staring at my feet. when he finished speaking, she sort of leaned towards me and said "nice shoes!". you could tell that the vp was mildly perturbed but at the same time amused that she'd missed his presentation due to shoe envy...

not sure what to say...

yesterday i was giving one of cal's friends a ride to the hospital for a visit and was having an interesting conversation with her. we were talking about our mutual dislike of the question "what's new?". it's really a wierd question. unless there is something significant that's JUST happened to me, well- nothing. everything is pretty much keeping on as it's been keeping on. i'm putting one foot in front of the other and trying to keep a smile on my face, cause i think that even when people aren't smiling back it's the best way to face the world.

mind you, today something is new - calvin came home from the hospital. he's not better, and i'm not entirely sure he's *ready* to be home. but he is and i must say i'm really really happy to have him home. so i'm greeting it with a smile and hoping that we can all stick by him and make it so that this never happens again. we are trying really hard to make his world as agreeable to him as possible right now; to listen to everything he's saying and try and see the meanings and feelings under the words. it's hard though.

i'm so bone tired i can hardly lift my arms, never mind the corners of my mouth. if it weren't for stacy i don't know if i would have made it through the last week. my god it's been almost a week...

tomorrow i am going in to work a little late, cause i know that i will have to stay at the end of the day to complete a job interview. so i will sleep in a little. hopefully i will be able to sleep knowing that he's in the next room, not in some scary sterile hospital room. i just hope that i can relax enough to do it, you know?

friday afternoon

i went in to work for a few hours today; if i was sleep deprived earlier in the week i can't imagine what you would call my current state. i am at that point of tired where there's an irritating drone at the back of my head...

i spent the afternoon with calvin. he's kind of doped up (they are giving him anti-anxiety meds) but i think he was happy to have me there. we had a companionable sushi lunch - sensibley the child refuses to eat hospital food (as an aside, i noticed his lunch malingering on a table in the common area: a cheddar cheese and butter sandwich on brown bread and a fruit cup) - went for a wander on the hospital grounds, then went back up to his room where he succumbed to a nap and i read my book.

so i spent the night in the hospital. calvin had to go to emergency cause he was cutting his arm again; since it's the third 'incident' in less than that many weeks, the doctor committed him to the psychiatric ward. we waited till after 3 to find an open bed, then went by ambulance. they wouldn't let me stay - i had to get my dad to come and get me.

this is the worst i've ever felt in my entire life. i can't stop thinking back and wondering how i could have stopped this. i keep remembering stuff that happened only a year ago - a trip we took to kamloops, for example, for a track meet and how happy he was. why can't i just make it better for him? why doesn't there seem to be anything i can do?

maktaaq has a link on her blog to a person who was planning on committing suicide yesterday. while on one level i understand the sensation - feeling like there is no one in the world who can help you; that life is fruitless and without joy. but on another level it pisses me off so much cause right now i'm living on the other side of it. i'm watching the person i care more about than anything else in the world slowly destroy himself and o my god it hurts so much, cause there is nothing i can do

mmm baths and vodka

so i indulged in a steamy tub with a very large glass of lime perrier and vodka. no i don't have a problem it's just been a stressful week. i'm getting my period and i put my mobile down somewhere and i'm not sure where. that may be because of the vodka, though.

i'm trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow to accomodate my swollen bits and cranky facade. i wish there were days when it was fully understood why you are wearing fleece pants and a hoody with the hood up; why you have six zits, blotchy skin and a big gut. sexy sexy.

how do you cope with what moxee calls "the utes"? i used to know a girl who had two sets of her favourite outfits - one set was a size larger for just that time of the month. how brilliant is that? i also used to know a girl who's feet & ankles used to swell *a lot* every month. so she'd wear flip flops. even in the dead of winter, even with her business style clothes. if people questioned her on it, she gave them the gory details. served 'em right, she figured. mind you, this was also before the past couple of years of trendy 'wear 'em with anything' flip flops. i tend to eat like crazy for a few days, hole up in my house for a few, and pour drugs on it until the world looks like the set from "yellow submarine".

i know, i know - too much information. but it's my blog, dammit, and i'll post what i want to..

back to work tomorrow

ben just came on line. he was on his way to the airport to head back. i came pretty close to shedding a wee tear and had to do a 'year in the life of hanging out with ben' retrospective in my head.

so much stuff has been going on in my life lately - all this stuff with calvin; work not being so fun; grandma in the hospital; boy stuff. i hate feeling like a whiner, but man, sometimes i wish it would just lay off, you know? i wish life would just settle in and be good for a while. i truly believe that you get back what you send out, and i'm really really trying to send out positivity. and, i must admit, that there are some really great people in my life, and i have been definitely having some fun times.

ah i don't know what i'm complaining about. in the grand scheme of things, i've got it fairly good. i should just start to be accepting of my lot in life and happy with what i've been handed, right? (it is at this point that i can hear stacy freaking out in my head).

i don't believe in an afterlife. i don't think that my reward for living a good life and being kind and giving will come to me in the 'beyond'. i just have to learn either to a) start living for myself and not giving out so much to other people (especially people who don't deserve it) or b) not caring. i'd hate to be all jaded and negative though. that's not me. i *am* a nice person. i *am* a positive person. sometimes, though, it just seems like there's no real point...

horoscope

today's horoscope:

"Breathe deeply. Relax. Think profound thoughts. Smile. Today's a good day to get in touch with your deepest subconscious desires. ('What's that, subconscious? You think I should ask that cute person out. All right, I'll get right on it!')"

personally i think that i am going to turn the first four caveats into my action items for every day.

working from home

so i'm sitting here in my jammies drinking coffee in the sunshine. there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. working from home today is also a good thing, considering the fact that i didn't get home till 12.30 last night. i popped out for a goodbye drink with ben, and when i arrived, n², dustin and bear were also there. so i got to be the only girl and hang out with the boys. i like that sometimes... though ben's friend bear was, for some reason, convinced that i was his fun for the night. his clinching line was "what if this is your last chance ever? doesn't that change your mind?" i pointed out that i was never the kind of girl to fall for that whole "i may never see you again" / "men have special needs" bullshit approach to seduction. i'm pretty liberal - if i want it, i get it. i was also sitting beside nick the whole time, so even if i *had* been into it, i probably would have declined.

though there really was no chance. i mean, saturday night he spent the whole nite making out with some girl. when she wasn't around, he was hitting on me. is that supposed to impress me? was i not supposed to notice? i don't get how some guys think that you should just be grateful for the attention and pay no regard to the fact that they are treating you like a tramp.

i also like the fact that i kind of got to spend more time with nate & nick & dustin in a)an away from work setting and b)a just hanging out setting. i really like those guys - they crack me up. i'm sure going to miss ben, though.

issues

so one of the results of sleep dep is that if you lose enough, you end up having really vivid dreams when you finally do get to sleep. i'm thinking about this because i was having email correspondence with mike b earlier today, talking about my issues... which led to me contemplating my conversation with nick on saturday nite about how i'm the last person he needs to have commitment worries about... which led me to recall a dream i had a few years ago which may offer some insight into my psyche.

after a weekend of no sleep due to certain pharmaceuticals, i had a particularly vivid dream. i had only been asleep for about an hour when i dreamed that i was being buried alive. i could actually feel the clods of dirt hitting my face.. feel the weight of the earth pressing down on my chest and cutting off my air supply... i could feel myself slowly suffocating. i pulled myself back out of sleep for a moment and was gasping for air, rolled over and sort of shook myself off and went back to sleep. i then slipped back into the exact same dream, except instead of starting from the beginning the dirt was at the same point it was when i had woken myself up. it kept piling up on my chest and on my face.. was getting into my mouth and i could *taste* it - feel it in my nose and in my lungs... i pulled myself up into wakefulness again and again, only to slip back into the dream, each time deeper and deeper under the ground... eventually i had to get up out of bed and sit on the couch. i was afraid to go back to sleep because i was half convinced that it was actually happening..

now how do i interpret this dream? well, i see it as fairly indicative of my fear of being weighed down. but then maybe that is *now* me looking back on *then* me, who was really an entirely different person. either way, it was a pretty creepy dream. i can still feel it - you know when an experience is that haunting that it just stays with you...

on that note - i finally asked nick what he thought of the piece of poem i printed up for him. he said that he loved it - that he hadn't had any more weird experiences since i gave it to him, cause he knew exactly what it meant.

sun day

here's a funny story: we got kicked out of our brand new offices today, cause the builders forgot to file some permits or other. we were originally planning to ignore the 'do not occupy' signs posted at the door, but then the nazi-esque city officials came 'round and said nononono. so we all got sent home early and are working from home tomorrow. megs and i took advantage of the early day to wander on the drive, then have a vanilla latte. she realized 3/4 of the way through that said beverage did not comply with her south beach diet. it's my theory, however, that this afternoon was stolen time therefore you could eat or drink anything and it didn't count. since tomorrow is supposed to be lovely, as well, we planned a project manager lunch meeting for 1pm at cactus club. well, if you have to work you may as well work in style...

i am meeting ben for a drink at doolins later this evening, i believe... i'm really going to miss him. the office is so quiet when he's not around. he had me nearly crying this morning - came on line and was talking about how much he'll miss everyone. i can do this, since i don't have to get up until 7am tomorrow. how happy am i?

horoscope

i like horoscopes like these:

"Write down all the ideas that enter your head, because if you don't, you're likely to forget them. Right now, your personality is much like that of a mad scientist, all brilliance but little common sense. You need an assistant."

brain slowly returning

bits and pieces of last nite are coming back to me:

• trying to convince nate that i was actually wearing kitty ears not horns; the two of us polling the same people over and over again looking for vindication
  
• the reason the whole debate started: nate telling me i am the devil. me protesting, saying that i'm a good girl. him saying that no, i'm very very bad, but in a good way.
  
• nate sucking the helium out of a balloon and saying "hey lisa you devil - man you are smokin hot".
  
• doing 130km per hour up nanaimo going back to burnaby to get nick's id (which we never did end up needing)
  
• kissing daisy - on the lips even - inspiring her to wax poetic about how good a kisser i am
  
• missing out on my dancing lesson *again*
  
• mattias ohlund scoring
  
• waking up at one point with nick's leg wrapped around my waist and his arm around my head
  
• andrew asking me if i paid full price for my sweater (haha so funny)
  

i'm sure more will come back to me as the day wears on...

strange how many people are on the road at 7am

and how would you know that, dear raspberry? well, gentle reader, because at 7am i was *flying* home from n²'s house in order to sign a get well card for my grandma - my mom is flying up to see her this morning, and i had to get here before she left for the airport.

and why weren't you tucked safe in your bed like a good little raspberry sundae? well, because it is actually well against the nature of raspberry sundae to *be* tucked safe in her own bed on a sunday morning. well, at least by herself, that is. so these last few dry weeks have been quite unnatural for everyone concerned...

i actually did intend to come home last nite. we were having a lovely time at the australian bar downtown - many many drinks were consumed... i had indulged in a little not-sanctioned-by-the-FDA fun so was keeping the martinis to a minimum (well, i could have probably drank the bar dry with no effect - pointless and expensive, i thought). ben was, to say the least, wasted. but he had a lovely time, i do believe, and he may, just may, have finally had a moment with the girl of his canadian dreams. i shall have to confirm that later this evening.

so anyway, a few people ended up in burnaby at the home of n². nate passed out within approximately four minutes of walking in the door. nick held out quite a bit longer, but there was only a few of us sitting around, talking, and listening to music. he made an effort to have me strip for the group (i was the only girl), but i declined. (i wonder if that ever works?). so the ranks dwindled, until it was nick, john and i. nick crawled into his bed and started to pass out and john called a taxi to take him home... i went in to say goodbye to nick and he replied "you're leaving? that sucks".... so we had a brief conversation about how he didn't want to sleep with me anymore... and how (according to him) that's not actually the case - he is just deathly afraid of committment. i pointed out that i am, conceivably, the person he least needs to worry about that with.

anyhoo... one thing leads to another, as it ususally does. all i know is that the last time i looked at the clock it was 5.34 and that is *not* when i went to sleep.

the first time you have sex with someone is really cool, because it's that initial BANG! (no pun intended) - two people's bodies and chemistry colliding - you discover each other a little and it's new and fresh and exciting. the second time, though, is when you sort of start exploring what each other likes...and pushing the limits a little bit. it's still pretty new... but that is the bit that makes it more fun than the first time.

more weird

ok so recall my two days in a row horoscopes, and my vague desire to call the exboyfriend? he just called here. i did the stage whisper "i'm not here!" with rabid head shakings....

he is hardwired into my psyche, my hand to god...

trouble

ps: i still have not received tickets to a perfect circle. just in case someone out there was planning on sending them along, but thought "no.. dear raspberry must have hundreds by now.. i'll just give these ones to another cute blonde". sad as it is.. i remain bereft.

i do realize that the 'ps' usually comes at the end. hence the name post script. i just thought that i'd point it out early, in case what i have to say is dull. wouldn't want to lose any readers before i made it to the important public service announcement.

exerpted from maktaaq's comments:

"Raspberry, I have always been rather curious. What is "trouble" exactly? And how does one go about "getting in trouble"?
- Maktaaq

and my response:

"hmm well trouble can be any number of things. sometimes it's drinking martinis and smooching with girls in restaurants, much to the delight of the couple at the table beside you. sometimes it's introducing strangers to each other with incorrect names and fanciful stories (a la bridget jones: "frank, this is juliet. she enjoys stock car racing and making fancy pastries. juliet, this is frank. he enjoys bondage films and growing tulips". sometimes it's just starting snowball fights and enticing people into *not* doing what they should be doing, but acting like kids instead... depends on my mood at the time, i guess."

interesting concept, getting into trouble. tonight i'm torn by my desire to get into trouble, my dread of doing it in front of work people, and my overwhelming urge to stay home in my jammies and read mystery novels. but the n's should be out.. and going out with bun is usually tonnes of fun, and i believe even young maktaaq is joining us for an evening on the town. so i shall quit my whinging, don my new pink arm warmers (take that moxee's new shoes!) and get off my potty.

i'd like to kill danny finkleman

the title of this post is dedicated to mike b.

i actually did a long post last nite devoted to the subject of having sex with the ex. well, specifically my ex - otherwise known as psychojeremy. but for some reason, when i went to post it, it disappeared into the ether. then, on top of that, i had the same horoscope two days in a row. coincidence? i think not.

so i think i shall just leave the subject alone. it really bears very little consideration, and can be summed up like this: my self imposed celibacy is wearing a little thin, and is starting to make me think of doing silly things, like call my crazyexboyfriend for a shag. i have a remarkably high sex drive, and not giving in to it fairly regularly seems to result in bad choices...

*ahem* tickets

come on now, people. it's been over two hours. i still have no tickets. this is really a burning desire. i can't quite express it or emphasize it enough.
i need tickets to see a perfect circle at the queen e theatre.

someone should send me tickets to 'a perfect circle'

cause i'm sure nick would love me forever if i took him with me....

actually, i'd probably take calvin. he'd never forgive me if i didn't, and his fourteen year old "ladies man" brain doesn't understand the notion of buying love. unlike his old and wrinkly mother. (menses? is that you peeking out from just around the corner? i knew i saw you there!)

i'm hanging out at home by myself tonite. even calvin isn't here: he went off to some dance or another. i could go out, i suppose, but really i feel like taking a bath and lying around. i'm so very very tired. i was at work trying to figure out my reports till after five. granted we did have a bit of a 'cake break' mid afternoon.

it was ben's last day so megs and i (in happy possession of the account manager's credit card) headed off to find a cake and a card... i circulated it (card not cake) around the office for signing, then herded everyone upstairs to sample cake not card. i even went downstairs and tracked nate down to bring him along (nick was playing hooky again. lucky bastard)... i think bun was quite happy - i didn't go to the lengths for this event as i did for his birthday, but that has a great deal to do with my energy levels in the evenings this time around... so i apologize, ben, you crazy kid.

i'm really going to miss him - the office just won't be the same without him.
but tomorrow is his grand 'goodbye' do downtown. i think it shall be a raging drunk. scratch that, i know it. n x2 will be in attendance, so i believe it is an occasion for the kitty ears.

weird

strangely enough..

my horoscope for today is the same as yesterday.

"If you happen to meet and spend time with new people today, dear Leo, be careful. Some folks can appear interesting because they are bold or dangerous. Perhaps they do things you never dream of doing. While this may seem interesting, it can lead to trouble and could hurt you if you're not careful. Be sure to stick to your usual standards and ethics when it comes to others. If danger excites you too much, it may be time to reexamine your life and find ways to change things."

i wonder what that means?

horoscope

this is my horoscope for today:

"If you happen to meet and spend time with new people today, dear Leo, be careful. Some folks can appear interesting because they are bold or dangerous. Perhaps they do things you never dream of doing. While this may seem interesting, it can lead to trouble and could hurt you if you're not careful. Be sure to stick to your usual standards and ethics when it comes to others. If danger excites you too much, it may be time to reexamine your life and find ways to change things"

grey dresses for grey days

so today our department dressed up and didn't tell anyone why. though rumour has it that someone leaked the dish... it was funny to watch people run around trying to guess *why* 15 people who usually take "office casual" seriously to heart were wearing their business best.

i took the opportunity to wear a dress that i don't trot out very often - a sleeveless little fitted grey number with a high neck, and was delighted to see that my new purple cardigan went well over top. not that the loose knit offers much in the way of warmth, but it was a bit of cover, anyway.

but enough of what not to wear... i've found the last couple of days really detrimental to my social skills. i've been in full fledged hibernation mode, for sure. screening my calls, being antisocial on the chat (not with you moxee, dear - i had run off for coffee when you buzzed me), and not really answering my email with due diligence. so, for those of you out there who give a poo, i do apologize. this is my tendency- when things are going not so well, i sometimes withdraw into myself.. not intentionally, but just because i can't imagine myself being good company or even able to hold a conversation. usually i snap out of it in a day or so.. i know that this has been a couple of days know, but i'm still not ready to come out of seclusion. (yes, yes.. bronte again)

it feels really weird to be working in such a big place, now - kind of like the university, but not. at least at the uni, people who worked there lived in a pretty small world - offices, cafeteria, library, classrooms, tim hortons kiosk. at this place the production area seems so remote from our little upstairs world... and the engineering area is like another planet - of course, i don't know any of those people at all. i have this great back stairs shortcut that takes me from upstairs to a little crossroads - one door takes me to shipping, one door takes me to the cafeteria, and one door takes me outside. really i don't have to go anywhere else in the building, if i don't want to. it's great. but i do miss my morning walk route - down through ops to accounting, cutting back out through production and up the stairs... got to say hi to pretty much everyone that way.

i bump into nate with a fair amount of regularity, and i saw nick a couple of times today, too. but i don't really have much contact with those guys any more. i wonder if he still feels like we work together... meh. either way. water under the bridge by now.

tuesday

ok so i almost quit my job yesterday... the stress of everything finally got to me, and when my immediate superior came and yelled at me for something completely minor (as is her tendency) i flipped out and yelled back. normally, i don't do such things, but yesterday i'd just had enough. i understand that personalities will clash in the workplace, but for god's sake no one gets paid enough to be treated with disrespect by your supposed teammates.

but, i do need the paycheque. and, most of the time, i like my job. so i went in today and we talked it out for an hour and smoothed it over. i stood by what happened - i refused to cave on the things i said and the fact that i honestly believe that i was pushed too far. so i feel good about it. i did apologize for losing my temper - that is something i try to not do. but i don't (didn't) apologize for sticking up for myself or my team member.

that said, it was a day of meetings and fire fighting. i'm really glad that i do go in a couple of hours earlier than everyone else, because at least i get something done. the rest of the day was spent in boardrooms and solving crises.

outside my window is a flowering vine that is one of my favourite things about my bedroom - in season, it is covered in little white flowers that i can see while lying in bed. i just looked out at it and noticed the green sprouts beginning in places on the vine. spring is on its way...

no real purpose

here is a link to a seemingly purposeless game. and yet i can't stop playing...

sunny sundaes

so stacylicious just called me to slightly revamp our brunch plans... though i knew that was going to happen. when i left her company last nite at 10pm, she was on her 6th cocktail....

i had a tonne of fun with the 'girls' last nite: sangria and mexican food and dancing at pepitas. but i was ready to come home at 10pm. these past few weeks have been so nuts that i really need to catch up on some rest and 'me' time. i think after brunch i shall go on a long walk or something. that is, actually, what my horoscope for today prescribes. that's the thing i miss most about teaching and/or temping: the days that were your own.... i'd always arrange my temp contracts so that i had a day or two between them to just wander around and drink tea and read my book on patios. and when teaching your schedule is your own to make: you have a few set hours a week, but other than that it's gravy. this whole 7-4 thing is cramping my bronte style...

i wore my new pink sparkly half-sweater out last nite with a white tank top, tight black skirt, white knee socks and mary janes to very good reviews. (lesbians are so flattering, and open about it in a non-creepy way... stacy's friend mo keeps trying to get me to switch teams. don't think i haven't been tempted.) i think it (the sweater that is) was a good find, for sure. the best thing about thrift store shopping is that the stuff you find is not the same as what everyone else has lying around. i do need to go through my closet, though. i know i have at least a drawer full of stuff that i'm forgetting about. that would be the downside of being a shop a holic.

stacylicious

i had tea and a wander on the drive with ms stacy today. it's funny how we can have pretty much no contact for a month and a half and feel as comfortable together as if we had seen each other yesterday.

i was telling her about my feelings of disconnectedness, and the idea i had that maybe i have to learn to be content with what i have and stop looking for *more*. she thinks that is a shit idea - she's so good at calling me on my bullshit. she thinks that you should always look for more - if you feel like there is something missing in your life, there is: even if what is missing is actually hiding inside your soul somewhere. and this is all stuff i know, too. i just keep telling myself that i should give up cause it's to scary to think of the alternatives.

but it's far to beautiful a day to dwell on that sort of stuff right now. i went on a value village adventure this afternoon - got some crazy polyester plaid pants and some old uniform pants with a blue pinstripe and a black uniform shirt for calvin, and a couple of fun things for myself as well. all in all, it was a good day. i love the sunshine...

mmm i'm hungry and don't want to wait till 7pm for dinner... i'm so not patient. we are going to pepitas on english bay for stacy's goodbye dinner, then they are all going dancing, but i shall exclude myself from that, i believe. not quite up to the gay girl bar tonite, fun as it always is. i want to flirt with *boys* today....

you say you want a revelation - revel in this my lover

having just wandered through moxee's muse (my how that does sound dirty) i noticed the similarity in our ennui of late. i feel bad cause this seems to be a theme that i persist in coming back to, but i seriously feel like i'm missing out on something, though; that there is something just beyond my fingertips... so tantalizing... i can't quite see it clearly enough to identify what it is, but i know it's there ("cause tonight.. i feel like more").

what is more, though? a sense of community and companionship? i commented on mox's blog that when you have a physical relationship with someone who is your best friend you reach a level of intimacy that you can't have with your girls, or with your guy friends. conversely, you can't have it with people you are *just* sleeping with. i think that's what i'm missing...

do we spend our entire lives looking for something we will never find? is that the secret of life? you can never find what you are looking for. you will never be content. the trick is to value what you have and make the most of it, with the full knowledge that it's not perfect. people are always yapping on about loving yourself for who you are, and appreciating yourself foibles and all - why do people never say that about our *outer* lives, too?

i'm not suggesting i should settle for something that makes me unhappy. i'm just wondering if maybe, just maybe, i'll never find 'more'.

moving day...

today, as everyone ran around frantically trying to put their office style belongings into the correct receptacle (recycling bin, garbage, or box, depending) i tried to put my finger on the strange feeling in the air. "vacation?" i asked ben. "maybe, but packing up to go home at the end of vacation." he replied.. and then, in a flash, i figured it out - it felt like the last day of school.. that sense of excitement but mild sadness you feel as you clean out your desk and head off into the afternoon... like you are embarking on what should be an adventure, but will most likely not be.

i think most of the rest of the office had it doubly so - they are all 'working from home' tomorrow. we are caught up in an offsite meeting for the day. at least there will be lunch. oh and it doesn't start until 10am, which means that i get to leave my house a full hour and a half later than usual. such luxury...