jeudi, juillet 29

questions from ljd

1) If you could only have one of your five senses (taste, sight, hearing, smell, touch) which would it be and why?
i think taste. i'm really food-o-centric. my world revolves around it. it is my joy and the bane of my existence. i don't think i could live without it.

2) Coffee or tea?
ooo tough one. i love love love to love coffee, but i'm an upstanding daughter of the british empire - i fed my kiddo tea in his bottle to help with tummy upsets... so torn... i think coffee would have to be the winner

3) If you and (fill in the BLANK) washed up on a deserted island together, with no immediate way off, who would that be and why?
the kiddo. he's the light of my life, even if he is doing his best to break my heart right now. he is seriously good conversation, and cracks me up regularly. i'd definately pick him

4) Which TV/cartoon family best describes yours?
calvin and hobbes, probably. though with a single mom, not a nuclear family. but i get to be the mom and the dad rolled into one (cooking unidentifiable healthy vegetable substances and telling fantastical falsified stories of how babies are made and what happens to the kids who get sucked down the bathtub drain)

5) Instigator or conflict resolutionist?
conflict revolutionary

lundi, juillet 26

firemind

1. Thinking about your name I have to wonder...have you ever worn raspberries? Under what circumstances would you?
yes, in that i'm a bit of a spillypants. i tend to wear anything i eat at least once.


2. Is chocolate a necessity?
of course. next question?


3. You wrote: "this very blog entry has been driven by anonymous commenting...". How much of your writing is influenced by comments and questions? / 4. Do you consider your journal to be a weblog or diary? Are links necessary or just aids to expressing ideas?
hmm interesting questions. i think i shall answer both at once. the previous post sort of expresses some of my ideas regarding the interaction between text and context. i think that i can't help but be influenced by comments - just as i can't help but be influenced by the images and ideas which stream past me in the "real" world every day. i fully believe that, in such an interactive medium, the writer and the reader exist symbiotically. i censor myself (to a certain extent) because i know or am afraid that people read it. but, at the same time, when i have stuff that i want to hear other opinions on, i post away. sometimes i write just 'cause it's in my head and i want to get it down somewhere. so i guess it's a diary and a web log, depending on the mood i am in at the time.


5. If you could live in any foreign city where would you live?
malaga, or barcelona. maybe dublin but it rains lots.

jeudi, juillet 22

oops i forgot

it has occurred to me that i only answered part of ms opinionated's question. what she asked was: who would i be and *why*?

i picked zelda fitzgerald, after meeting scott but before going crackers. why zelda, you ask?

i'm really attracted to the characters who make up 'scenes' or 'movements'. i like social history - i love reading about the jazz age; the fin de siecle; greenwich village in the 20s. i love reading about the lives of the beats - the way that they incorporate their lives into their writing and their writing into their lives is so, so, wonderfully magical to me. i can't even describe it. i almost like the tales of the city, if you will, more than i enjoy the fiction or poetry generated at the time. they go hand in hand for me, for sure.

(as an aside, one of my favourites is memoirs of montparnasse by john glassco. it's actually fiction - he passed it off as a biography, but it later came out that he'd made most of it up. one of the greatest hoaxes in canadian literary history. also, it really neatly illuminates my theory surrounding the blending of fact and fiction. but i digress)

scott and zelda were the wild couple.. they were fun and talented. but they drank too much. and zelda went a little nutty. but until then she epitomized all that was cool about the jazz age... i think anyhoo.

mercredi, juillet 21

mike b!

1. if you could be any colour what would it be.
pink


2. why?
isn't it obvious? seriously - it's fun.. it's light and girly and pretty and no one takes it seriously...


3. what is the food you're allegic too but miss the most?
eggs. hands down

4. who was your first crush ever?
this blonde kid named carter in my grade one class. i had another one that lasted from grade 4-fourth year university, but i'll tell you his name in person


5. ever had internet sex?
yes

et maktaaq et ma belle citron aussi!

maktaaq:

1. How was labour?
disturbingly easy. i was watching a chinese cooking show. it ended at 8pm. i stood up to feed the cat, and my water broke. the kiddo was borne 65 minutes later. i'm fairly sure the cat did not get fed.

2. What was the scariest moment of your life?
leaving my child in the psych ward of the hospital...hearing the door click locked behind me,knowing that he was on one side of it and i was on the other and nothing i could do would change that at that moment in time

3. If, by some weird quirk of physics, you suddenly found yourself in Stalinist Russia, what would you do?
learn how to brew vodka in my bathtub, and write literature of dissent

4. If you knew you would be reborn in the past and you were given a choice, would you choose to be reborn as a future witch torturer or as the future tortured witch?
tortured witch. and man oh man would the irish curses be flying!

5. If you were forced to eat only one thing for the rest of your life and nothing else, what would you eat?
miso soup with those little bits of green onion, seaweed and tofu in it. that's gotta cover most food groups / nutrients, doesn't it?


lemon
1. whats the biggest suprise you found in your first year of parenting?
that it doesn't come naturally. i sort of figured that there was stuff you just *knew* once you had a kid - some kind of universal knowledge or something. there isn't, sadly

2. whats your favorite spice? / flavour?
spice - cinnamon / flavour - dark chocolate

3. what $5.00 you spent had the biggest impact on your life
i found "meat is murder" by the smiths in a $5 bin at a record store when i was 14yrs old.. i'm pretty sure it changed me forever

4. what is your favourite part of your personality at this point in your life?
the way i seem to keep bouncing back from the weird stuff going on in my life right now, and get up smiling most mornings

5. what question were you really hoping someone would ask you about? or what question would help me know you better that i havent thought of?
oooo i don't know. i didn't have any preconceived notions - i just wanted to see what people were interested in, you know?

*phew!*

ok so i was a little worried that no one would want to play with me.... fortunately ms. opinionated invited me to the sand box!


1. What is the craziest thing you've done in the name of love or lust?
hmm crazy bad or crazy good? crazy bad, i guess, would be giving up my best friend cause psychojeremy couldn't handle the relationship. crazy good? i took psychojeremy on a 'holiday' in town - set up a little treasure hunt for him, gave him a beautiful evening in a hotel.. spent a small fortune (like $1000) on the evening...

2. What's in/on your nightstand table right now?
my nightstand is a long sofa table that is at the head of my bed. on it is a stack of books in various stages of completion, an alarm clock, my cellphone charger, my glasses, and a big bouquet of flowers (which i purchased for myself, by the way..)

3. If you could live one day in someone else's shoes (famous or not, dead or alive), who would it be and why?
zelda fitzgerald after she met scott but before she went crackers

4. What is the last unnecessary thing you've purchased for yourself (like a fun, splurge item)?
the blue pottery mug to add to my collection

5. What is the quickest that you've ever fallen "in love"?
i think that the shortest period of time at which point i actually thought to myself "i *love* this person" is probably a month or so. but i've thought "uh oh.. this could definately be starting something" after a couple of weeks...


Weee! that was fun!

yes i would jump if my friends were

ok so i want to play!

ask me five questions and leave your website/email addres. i'll answer them, then ask you five of your own... how fun is this?

mardi, juillet 20

dragonflyism

so the other day, maktaaq, mike b and i went to this outdoor art festival thingy out in white rock... i was sorry that i hadn't invited my mama - while i enjoy pottery and handcrafted jewelry as much as the next urban sundae girl, those sorts of things are just her cup of tea.

so i scooped, for myself, a really pretty matte blue pottery mug from one of the artisans, but my attention had been caught very early on by the work of cory judge at epiphany designs. in particular, i loved loved loved her stained glass dragonflies and a dragonfly pendant that i had spotted.  i was being frugal (i'm looking at impending moving costs) but the lovely mike b purchased it for me anyhoo.

provided for the interested shopper was a flyer with some need facts about the symbiology of dragonflies. i have always been attracted to them - one of the first things i ever thought i'd get tattooed to my body (and the one that i am building towards) is a dragonfly. this passage, in particular, caught my eye, so i'm going to plagarize shamelessly:

Dragonflies symbolize illusion. Their radiant iridescence exemplifies the complexity of light and colour inspiring and reminding us that we also are conduits of light, with the ability to shape our own spectrum. We can use this knowledge to pierce the illusions we create for ourselves that may limit our physical or mental existence. Dragonflies are also symbolic of the essence of change which brings wisdom and enlightenment. This transformation encompasses the dragonfly's metamorphosis from larvae to dragonfly, and our passionate journey to maturity and mental clarity. With this change comes growth. Dragonfly magic thus empowers us with a strong sense of self, having challenged our inner limitations thus achieving balance. Ultimately the dragonfly is a reminder that we each have the ability to gracefully dart, glide and shimmer through our changes with the inherent wisdom that we have the power to become our dreams.


so i just wanted to send a little dragonfly magic to all the friends and family and random strangers who cross into my little world for a short time. k that's enough with the mushy stuff. go break something.



weeeee!

he phoned me he phoned me he phoned me
 
to tell me he missed me.. and was thinking about me...
 
now i can't stop smiling (how's that for excited, newly?)

lundi, juillet 19

do me a favour?

well, two, actually. asked a friend...
 
okey dokey, i replied.
 

1. Never blame yourself for the actions of others.
 
2. Get a bit excited. Just a bit.
 
 

dimanche, juillet 18

sad sundae

i told mr. married that, starting this morning, he had to go away for a bit and come back to me with a decision - that this confusion was not for me. it's not fair - not to him or to me or to anyone else involved in the situation. i'm operating under the theory that he's going to think about it and decide to make things work with his wife "for the children". he's got a very strong sense of what a "good man" should do - and it's all wrapped up in being there for his kids. he's trying to decide if he's willing to settle for unhappiness with his partner in order to be a full time dad.
 
i have some strong thoughts on this, which have been corroborated by people i know who's parents did this, but my opinion doesn't matter at this juncture. i think that's the hardest part for me to face right now - i have no say in this. it seriously impacts my life, but the decision is not mine to make.  so i feel a lot helpless, and a little out of control, and quite a bit sad.
 
i know some anonymous poster or another is going to be tempted to hit me with a "you deserve to feel crappy" kind of comment - please don't bother. i've explored all these avenues of thought all on my own. i've beaten myself up over this situation left right and center. trust me - there is nothing you can say to me or about me that hasn't already been thought by me, and even expressed by me about myself. been there, done that, in other words. save your breath.
 
so i've got some days to sit and think about this, and to worry, and to be excited, cause even though i'm operating under the assumption that he's going to make the quote-unquote "right" decision, i still kind of hope he will pick me...

samedi, juillet 17

oopys daisy

i actually wanted to mark the day when i ended up over 5000 hits, but completely missed it. my bad.
 
so there is a great deal of stuff to talk about - if you haven't flipped through the comments of the last few, do so. if you haven't read mike b's discussion of the emails he sent the other day, and the crazy place he's been in, do so... but i think i have to go away and actually write it on paper before i post it, just so i know that i can get all the thoughts out of my head and down without inadvertantly hurting feelings or saying things that come from a place of emotion rather than well thought out reason.

lundi, juillet 12

stuff i've been thinking about

so mr. married is freaking out 'cause i stayed out all night on saturday. he, of course, spent the night at home with his wife. i've been wracking my brain trying to ascertain the source of his consternation - he knew i liked to go out and play when he met me. indeed, one of the sources of his attraction to me is the fact that i am sort of wild and free - i do things like stay out all night and meet new people and make friends at the drop of a hat.

at first i thought it was a control thing - that is, he wants me for himself, even though he doesn't really *have* me and he is, of course, married to the kind of woman who does stay home every night.

he targets some of his issues with the... um, er, party favours that i indulged in - which i do every once in a while. not the best thing for me, but i'm a resonsible adult and i make educated decisions and am very safe when i do so. he doesn't approve of anything developed in a laboratory, and i respect that. however, this is *also* something he's known about me since we started being friends, so i don't think that theory holds much water.

my take on the situation is this: i represent something akin to freedom. he is attracted to that freedom, but at the same time repelled by it. he wants to be rid of the mundane reality of his quotidian, but simultaneously revels in the vast amounts of security contained within it. ergo, when i do things that symbolize the fact that i am, for the most part, entirely liberated, it scares the crap out of him but fascinates him. kind of like a car wreck at the side of the road, i guess....

relationship advice from my sister:

"stay away from hungarian men. they are crazy-weird".

quizday night in canada

thank god for this woman for helping me see the light.





You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Shy


When a guy gets to know you, he finds a great catch

Problem is... you're too shy for most guys to get to know.

From meeting someone to dating, you usually have your guard up.

And while you're just holding back, it makes you seem like you've got something to hide.




Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend Take This Quiz :-)





can you see up my loincloth while i'm swinging between trees?

CWINDOWSDesktoptarzan.jpg
Tarzan!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

todae's horoscope:

"The people right in front of your face fail to hold your interest, but you fall in love with a dozen new celebrities every time you open a magazine. Why is it that you only want what you can't have?"

funny, huh?

dimanche, juillet 11

the lovely ms u

i'd like to point out that it is 6.20 on a sunday evening and i haven't gone to bed yet from the day before. *and* i'm still sort of functioning normally. i can't promise that any decisions made will be that great - i'm probably not prepared to make the best choices, at this point in time, but i'm still awake and on speaking terms with the people around me. and that's the important thing. not bad for an old grrl like me.

"why ms. raspby!" you may be saying to yourselves. "do tell!" hmm let's see, shall we?

last evening the divine ms u and i went out to see mark farina and kaskade at the commodore. what fun. the music was amazing, the venue superb, and the crowd was a wonderful mix of laid back and freaky - exactly what you could hope for. we danced our respective booties off, and met up with some fun folks. at the end of the night, we headed off to an afterparty, which i finally scraped myself out of at close to 6.30 this morning. i came home and couldn't fall asleep for the life of me, then had to head out to go shopping for that damn baby shower. i'm heading off to a *baby* shower, thinking to myself "self, can you believe it? six hours ago, we were doing something that is so completely opposite from this wholesome family values type activity that our poor brain is having trouble processing the info."

more, i think, on all this later. there's some stuff that i need to process before i committ it to paper...

as a side note: i ate turkey for dinner tonight. it was delicious. now we shall just see how it stays down...

samedi, juillet 10

take that

at the thrift store this afternoon i picked up (for $1.50, i might add) a hard-cover copy of "jane brody's good food book". why did i do this? well, i do love a good cookbook. however, and more importantly, the subtitle is living the high-carbohydrate way

fuck you dr. atkins.

rainy saturdae part deux

today, i would like to go walking in the trees, preferably on the north shore. i need a boy to accompany me, and a rain coat, and a ball cap. also a warm sweater of some sort, and a cozy destination for soup/tea afterwards. i realize that this is not the best plan for getting over my awful summer cold (Body Snot Index is still high, hack factor off the map) but it's what i want to do today, thank you very much.

tomorrow i have to go to a baby shower. i have never been to a stag/stagette, a wedding shower, or a baby shower. even my own, by the way. so i'm breaking my perfect record. and this is for a colleague, not even someone i'm very close to. and why, you may ask? well because i was swept along in the tide. at my work, i am sort of the party organizer, the cake buyer, the candy bowl filler. i'm the chick who walks around in bunny ears at easter, who gives out candy hearts at valentine's, and who always, always dresses up if there is an opportunity. so it was mostly just *assumed* that i would be going, and so i became (with my cohort, my partner in crime) the girl getting the gift. no getting out of it now. damn.

in another window, i am having an interesting conversation with the divine stacylicious. see, i realized the other night (as i sat on the side of the road by the ferry terminal at about 3am) that i am now so used to not getting the things i want out of life that i have just stopped wanting anything. i am caught up in my own pattern. it's like a maze that just keeps coming back to the same center place. i keep thinking i'm trying a different path and end up at the same bench in the middle of the hedges. sl things i should just break through the walls, and make my own path. but my particular hedge is made up of blackberry bushes - entirely prickly, and every once in a while they bear something sweet - not very conducive to leaving them, you know? i talk lots about breaking free, but i'm still really afraid to leave my comfort zone. it's taken me a long time to rebuild my *own* place of security - it used to be so tied up in psychojeremy - that now i am really reluctant to leave it, you know?

i don't know. i have no answers - for myself or for anyone else. i am just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to get through my day. but i think that's half the problem, you know?


vendredi, juillet 9

todae's quiz

from possession

"Much later, he came out of a half-sleep, imagined he heard the sea, which was just possible from there, and then was aware that she was weeping silently beside him. He put out an arm, and she pushed her face into his neck, a little awkwardly, not clinging, but pushing blindly to lose herself.
'What is it? My dear?'
'Ah, how can we bear it?'
'Bear what?'
'This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?'
'We can be quiet together, and pretend - since it is only the beginning - that we have all the time in the world.'
'And every day we shall have less. And then none.'
'Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?'
'No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere.'
'Poetic, but not comfortable doctrine.'
'You know, as I know, that good poetry is not comfortable, however. Let me hold you, this is our night, and only the first and therefore the nearest infinite.'

He felt her face, hard and wet on his shoulder, and imagined the living skull, living bone, fed with threads and fine tubes of blue blood and inaccessible thoughts, running in her hidden cavities.

'You are safe with me.'
' I am not at all safe, with you. But I have no desire to be elsewhere.'


mercredi, juillet 7

is it hot in here?

Man oh man, is Britney Spears a hot mama.









i mean, how can the average man stand it?





thanks, stereogum

mardi, juillet 6

an open letter to the demon which possessed my alarm clock last night:

dear sir/madame;

while your attempts to scare the living daylights out of me did not go unrewarded, i must admit i found your efforts a touch juvenile and a little uncreative. the rapid passage of time (first in the 'zero' hour, then through all 24) did, briefly, cause me to ponder the brevity of my existence upon this mortal coil. as i watched time fly past, i did stop to think about whether or not i am living my life to it's fullest, or if i am merely "passing time", as it were.

however, this was just a momentary lapse: after a few heart-in-the-throat moments, i simply unplugged the clock, chucked it in the trash, and headed to london drugs to buy a new one. better luck next time.

yours in perpetuity,
raspberry sundae.

dimanche, juillet 4

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid...

so tomorrow i head back to work. i must admit that the prospects fill me with dread. "don't worry," a friend said to me this evening. "after ten minutes, it'll be like you had never left." this would be what i am afraid of.

i had an amazing weekend. lemon came for a visit, and to celebrate mike b's 31st birthday. we had a bbq last night, and drank copious amounts of vodka. i must admit that, at first, i was very reluctant to go. i'm fighting a killer sinus cold, and was just exhausted after battling us fourth of july traffic on my way to seattle and back for the second time in a week. however, mr. married assigned lemon the dubious duty of making sure that i had a good time, and she took her responsiblities to heart. a grandly successful venture, my sweet. today, though, was better than last night - we all headed off to provence for chocolate croissants (ok that was just me. they actually ate healthy food. though mike had steak, which befuddles me). then we toddled off to granville island to spend the afternoon poking around.

part of the melancholy i have been feeling stems from the fact that most of the people i know are in these totally solid partnerships. i went for dinner with ms stacylicious and her lovely fiancee on friday to celebrate their engagement; my sister and i drove to seattle to pick up her long-term boyfriend; i spend a wonderful evening and a day with a friend and her partner... i was noticing these feelings again today as i wandered around granville island. so much of the way that i express love is with food. surrounded by all those beautiful ingredients, all i could think about was selecting delicacies and taking them home to prepare, while sitting and talking with someone and drinking a glass of wine in a sunny kitchen. i have this great mental picture, but just don't have the ability to bring it about, you know?

lundi, juin 28

how could i ever have believed that i hate mondays?

i'm sitting here in a tank top and boxers, with a belly full of cereal and fresh berries, drinking coffee. i've read "my" blogs, scanned the headlines in the newspaper to see if there was any dramatic changes that would change my decision of for whom to vote and am now sitting at my desk gazing out at a sunny morning. aside from the strongish suspicion that i may have to very soon lose my breakfast, all is right with the world.

a couple of posts ago, a thoughtful reader posted this comment:

"Ms. Sundae, don't know if it's quite what you'd be looking for, but I thought of you when I read it, so thought I'd better pass it along -- check out page 57 of this week's Georgia Straight..."

so pg. 57 of this week's straight has a few things i'm interested in: an article on new orleans, several cheap travel offers, an opportunity to fine tune my oracle skills (the database, unfortunately, not the fortune telling) and a chance to win a $1000 scholarship to a culinary arts school down on main. there's an open house on the 7th - i think i may go...

dimanche, juin 27

i heart summer

so here i am, day three into my vacation, and loving every second of it. mike b and i drove to seattle to pick my sister up yesterday (my sister jet-sets for a living. she stays home for her vacations) and i not only managed to successfully navigate seattle effortlessly (mike b is a superlative co-pilot), but on the way home also managed to choose a border guard who was so laid back that he didn't even look at our id. and her having been out of the country for six months. i was quite tickled by my luck.

friday i joined maktaaq for some international cuisine at one of my fave spots down on main street. (by the by, lime, i took her to the same place that you and i went - was just as good, but i was sorely tempted to try "the best cocktail in the world". good for me, though, i refrained). we had some good girl gossip (the three g's - so much more important than the three r's), and spoke of crushes on unavailable people, hiking and other fun topics...

speaking of g.g.g., i'm really happy to have my sister home again. we've always been really close, so these last years of her living elsewhere have been tough. what i was noticing today, and is really quite funny, is that we pack totaly 'typical' sister stuff into the first couple of days she's home - meaning, she goes through her stuff and hands over the stuff that i would have stolen if we'd been living in the same place, and i do the same. so i've come out of it with some new shoes, and some new clothes, and vice versa. i also presented her with the pink hello kitty flip flops that i picked up for her last week, much to her delight.

i'm still having some trouble with the food thing - had a nasty (though in retrospect quite comical) experience yesterday in the pike place market. i found myself urgently needing to throw up my lunch, so booked it to the nearest public washroom. i've never tossed in a public place without being drunk, which offers you some, um, more liberal standards in your choice of commode. by which i mean that you are a little less cautious about allowing any part of your body to come in contact with any fixture in the commode. yesterday, however, i was hovering over the toilet desperately trying to balance without touching anything, and simultaneously keep all of my lunch within the bowl. the stalls in the pike place market have those little half doors - i imagine that any number of people looked over the door and saw me there, precariously poised over the toilet in a most compromising position. at the time, quite traumatizing. as i think back on it, rather comical... so if you were there around 1pm yesterday, giggling at the spectacle, hi, that was me :)

vendredi, juin 25

i don't wanna holiday in the sun...

I wanna go to the new Belsen
I wanna see some history
'cause now t got a reasonable economy


Oh now I got a reason...
and l'm still waiting
Now I got a reason
to be waiting
the Berlin wall

In sensurround sound in a two inch wall
well I was waiting for the communist call
I didn't ask for sunshine
and I got world war three
I'm looking over the wall
and they're looking at me

Oh now l got a reason...
and I'm still waiting
Now I got a reason
to be waiting
the Berlin wall

They're staring all night
and they're staring all day.
l had no reason to be here at all.
But now I got a reason it's no real reason
And I'm waiting at Berlin wall
I gotta go over the Berlin wall.
I don't understand it... (etc.)

claustrophobia there's too much paranoia
there's too many closets
I went in before
And now I got a reason
it's no real reason to be waiting
the Berlin wall

I gotta go over the wall,
I don't understand this bit at all... (etc.)

Please don't be waiting for me.

how cool are the sex pistols? i mean, in the grand scheme of things... i'm really superstitious about road trips - i have to start them off with a new cd. so last summer, for one of the kiddo's track meets, we were heading off to the interior and i picked up a cd copy of "never mind the bollocks..". i had owned it on tape, but never on disc, and he'd never really heard much (well aside from a mixed cd where i put the transplants' diamonds and guns back to back with 'holidays in the sun' cause the openings are the same). we rocked out to the sex pistols as we drove down the #1. it's really funny that he listens to lots of the same music that i listened to when i was his age... come to think of it, the next road trip after that was the time i introduced him to ministry, to which he was an instant convert. a couple of months later he was listening to them in his room, and a few of his friends were over. i was in the bathroom next door, and i heard one of his friends ask "doesn't this music bother your mom?" to which he replied "bother her? she introduced me to it!" funny, huh?

so here i am on my vacation, drinking my first coffee in a week and a half (i am typing at 2x normal speed, at least) wearing my jammies and pondering what to do with my week, or at least my day. i'm still doing this allergy diet, so my 'out for lunch with myself' choices are limited, but i think some serious thrift store shopping is in order. i asked calvy if he wanted to join me, but he didn't seem too interested. sooo off i go by myself. really, i am ok with that. plus, the caffeine in my sistem is making me VIBRATE... so i don't know how much company i would be.

maktaaq has invited me to go see british comedy at a japanese restaurant this evening. i must admit, i am fascinated by that concept. i love contrasts, and there seems to be few things as dissimliar as british and japanese culture. so i believe i shall break out of my hermit-like existance and join her.

ah well, i'm off for a shower. don't want to waste any of my vacation days, you know....



samedi, juin 19

i bloody well HATE canned peaches

ok so i'm heading into day four of the crazy elimination diet that my allergist gave me when i had all of my weird food intolerances diagnosed. basically i am existing on a diet of tuna, rice, spinach, yams, canned peaches, sparkling water and applesauce - with the odd french fry thrown in for good luck. i have lost four pounds since monday. i'm over the caffeine withdrawl, but the lack of food thing is killing me. i'm hungry constantly. i really can't eat enough of this food, and this morning i found myself nearly gagging while trying to swallow the canned peaches i was having for breakfast. i was doing that thing where you take food into your mouth, chew on it, and take another bite. eventually you realize you havent' been swallowing, just storing it in a cheek. the timeless dilemma which arises? spit or swallow....

that's awfully whiny... sorry bout that.

fun things have happened, though, too. got my haircut today, and had a WHOlE bunch more blonde put in 'cause it's summer. and i have bought two new pairs of shoes in the last couple of days - a super fun pair of pink quilted satin flip flops and a pair of black slides with pink heart cut outs and kitten heels... very saucy if i do say so...

this all seems rather superficial, but i have been hesitant to write stuff too personal to me lately, cause of the whole nasty anonymous commenter (not you kindly anon. thanks for the tip). but now this is cemented by the fact that moxeedelic has taken her blog down due to a comment she had - apparently, someone from her work discovered it and now everyone has been reading... so she removed it. it's an interesting conundrum. you publish things to the internet with the expectation that people are going to read them, but at the same time, not using your own name sort of should provide you with some armour against people whom you *don't* want to know who you are, you know? there is enough stuff within my journal that, if you knew me, you could fully put two and two together. but, at the same time, i've become quite guarded in what i publish, so that doesn't really matter much anymore.

what, then, is the point? i have found myself less willing to write since i started censoring myself. mind you, this hesitance has also coincided with some poor health and some weird personal issues.. so maybe i'll snap out of it.

mardi, juin 15

to blog, or not to blog

that is the question. i'm still all swirly in my head and in my belly. indeed, the belly swirly has gotten severe enough that i can only eat toast, fruit, rice, tuna, and (for some reason) chocolate without tossing my lunch. quite literally - i've shocked and dismayed several of my coworkers in the last little bit by doing a mad dash from the table after finishing my meal.

mr married has been feeding me bits and pieces of fruit and hovering about worriedly. i actually fessed up to him about why the food / allergy / pukey thing is kind of serious with me... how it becomes totally connected to my food rules and compounds the anxiety creating a vicious cycle in with the anxiety causes the puking and the puking is the reason behind the anxiety until, after a while, i'm kind of afraid to eat anything at all. and, since that's getting to be the point i am at now.. i have decided to start my allergy diet tomorrow - welcome to a world of a coffee and chocolate and all fun things food related deprived raspberry sundae. i feel for my coworkers come 9am tomorrow morning.

so i went out and stocked up on canned peaches, unsweetened apple sauce, white rice, spinach, cranberry sauce (that's a bit of a cheat, but my god how dull can life get) and sparkling water. i am also allowed cranberry juice, but after the last elimination diet, and the copious amounts of cranberry juice consumed, i make a sour sort of face just *thinking* about the stuff. so just sparkling water for a week. i'm trying to remember what the heck else i ate while i was on this thing. maybe i'll call my allergist and get them to fax me over a copy tomorrow. wouldn't want to miss out on an all-important type of edible. trust me, variety is everything.

anyhoo, if you happen to run into me in the next couple of days and i am lethargic/grumpy/sleepy or all of the above, please do forgive me. it's the diet and i don't mean it at all....

vendredi, juin 11

rs

RRounded
AAppealing
SSlippery
PPopular
BBold
EExplosive
RRelaxing
RRare
YYoung
SSexy
UUnreal
NNoisy
DDirty
AAppealing
EExcellent

Name / Username:


Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

mercredi, juin 9

open apology

this is an open apology to those people in my life who i tend to shut out when i'm going through a bad patch. you know who you are...

just cause i am hiding or pretending like stuff's ok doesn't mean i don't love you or want you in my life. it just means that i am going through shit and i don't know how to cope with it any other way except ignore it and everyone and hope that it goes away. i refuse to talk about it, and the only way around it is to get in my face and find me at my most vulnerable and that is not easy. you could ask stacylicious how long it takes to get me to unturtle and to stop running, but she's not here right now, she's far away. and no,i'm not going to call her.

yes i am hiding. yes my life sucks right now. no i won't open up. no i can't talk about it. yes trying to make me might make me run away farther and faster. HOWEVER i do love to know that you are there, and i do KNOW you are there. and that means everything in the world to me, believe it or not.

so, thank you, and i am sorry for not being here, and not being the best friend i can be right now. it won't last, and raspberry sundae will be back up to her usual antics. that is a promise.

where does the time go?

ah raspberry, where have you been? and yes, by the way, my name *is* raspberry. it may not be the name my parents gave me, but that doesn't make it any less my name.

work, ladies and gentlemen, sucks. sucks ass. sucks royally. sucks the big one. any other variation on this theme are welcome at this juncture. i have adopted a 'put my head down, do my job, don't talk to anyone' approach to the day to day. not the best way to deal with life, but it seemed successful today. that is, until my two favourite ops gentlemen took me out for sushi in sympathy. then i perked up, but immediately returned to my spreadsheet slave state upon re-entering the building. it's hard, though, cause it's not me. i'm social - i fill the candy bowl - i'm friendly - i get people to do things for me cause i go speak with them and ask them face to face to do them... fuck.

last nite i actually investigated some entry level cooking school type situations. if i could save $3500 for tuition, i could become a basic patisserie chef. that, i believe, i would enjoy. then, of course, i'd have to move on to a higher end type school situation. or would i? hmm this deserves more pondering.

mardi, juin 8

thank god *somebody* cleared that up!

spirograph
You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?

samedi, juin 5

live from victoria, it's saturday night

well, actually, saturday morning. but what the heck.

here i am in the lovely home of mox & mutt... this time, i'm happy to say, i'm not projectile vomitting. needless to say, i avoided having curried tofu for dinner.

i had a really nice time with my sister and brother yesterday evening.. my sis showed us around her boat (in my head her voice is saying "IT'S A SHIP". i know it's a ship, i just like calling it a boat), and we had some dinner and then i hooked up with moxeedelic for a few drinks. i wasn't in the mood to get crazy (saving that for tonite), so we went downtown just to have a drink or two and play it by ear...

we were standing in a line outside a club, and i'm in the middle of very animatedly describing the behemoth of a boat that my sister works on, when i get the sense that i'm being watched. i peek over my shoulder to either a)include whomever is staring in the conversation they are so interested in or b)poke someone's eye out when i realize that the person beside me is someone from WAY back in my past, whom i haven't seen in years. i was delighted, to say the least...

when i was younger (20-21), i had this fairly big, tight crew of friends who did tonnes of stuff together.. we all drifted apart, as will happen. this fellow was one of the best friends of 'the one that got away', whom i have referred to more than once in these pages. so, we were always pretty tight - i was one of the girls they looked after, totally respected etc. so, anyway, a few years after the lost one and i had split up, and he was off living elsewhere, this guy and i ran into each other again. we ended up having a brief summer fling, which ended sort of abruptly because, quite frankly, this guy was an ass. he basically flipped me over and started seeing someone else without even talking to me about it. i was pretty hurt by it, but i figured whatever, it was a summer fling, i got over it.

he's all married now, living here in town, pretty happy. as we were catching up, he was telling me about all the people we used to be connected to... i think that i am the last one who isn't married/solidly connected in a major long term relationship. i sort of jokingly expressed some dismay over this (i'm not that broken up over it, just bemused, really) and he said to me "i think guys are afraid of you". to which i laughed... he followed up with an explanation of how he knew when he was with me that he could have fallen really hard for me, and it was totally the wrong time, and so he was an asshole cause he had to get away. he said that i scare guys cause they know that with me they'd be lost... i'm not sure how much of this i buy... but it was nice to hear. also, i'm glad that he apologized to me.. the fact that, 5-6 years later, it is something he still thinks about, means that he's not really the cad he appeared to be at that time.

boys sure are weird.

ah well, i'm off to get ready and spend some serious girl time with ms. moxee. have a lovely saturday, all....

mercredi, juin 2

mmmcakemmmm

i made someone's day today... a woman i work with is *extremely* lactose intolerant, and never gets to eat cake, cause there is always dairy... so, me being me, volunteered to bring the birthday cake for our 'kid's birthday party theme' monthly potluck. i brought two - a chocolate with chocolate creamcheese icing and strawberries for the 'real' folks, and a vegan chocolate cake topped with a non-dairy strawberry creamcheese icing for her and i to try. it was actually super good, cause i used papaya puree for the liquid, so was really moist. she was delighted.. i gave her a couple of extra pieces to take home with her, and she was really happy cause she never gets to eat things like that; come to think of it, neither do i that often. was a good feeling...

on a less fun note... the kiddo left a middle-of-a-panic attack voicemail on my mobile this afternoon. he had gone to visit a friend in the hospital, and freaked out about being there. his message basically relayed how he didn't feel any better, how his meds weren't working, and that he was going to check himself in to the ward. so i got the message (was in meetings all day) and called him back - needless to say how upset i was... he had calmed down a bit by then, but i think he is seriously thinking about going back in. mr. married talked to me till i calmed down, then made me leave work (i am so unassertive when i am upset... i was prepared to go back to my meeting, convinced that there was no way i would be allowed to leave. completely ridiculous - my company is totally supportive of family needs). he "volunteered" to go tell my supervisor himself, if necessary, and gave me five minutes to leave the building.

mike b said some lovely things to me just now: "you are not a fuck up, Calvies gonna have hard things too, just like you and me, and its not gonna be your fault. I've seen you with him, you work hard, you set good boundaries, you listen and talk. Unfortunately some of this is gonna be beyond your control - and that does suck, but it doesn't mean you fucked up" He's a nice boy... i miss him a bunch.

dimanche, mai 30

which of the seven deadly sins are you?

HASH(0x88b973c)
You are Lust!
Sexy!! But they say that theres such a thing as too
much of a good thing. You have sex on the
brain, and it doesn't stay just there for long.
Passionate, Fiery - and most certainly
confident. You're a fun loving, spontaneous
person who is always up for a laugh. People
however, have trouble keeping up with you.
You're sex crazy, and perhaps need to tone it
down a bit! learn a little self control!
But, Hey, Congratulations on being the Sexiest Red
Hot deadly sin out of all the 7...


?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??

mmm sundaes are for baking




i'm in a baking kind of mood, fo sho y'all. today i believe i shall create double chocolate cherry expresso muffins. i may also begin the cake baking spectacular - we are having our departmental potluck on wednesday, and the theme is "kid's birthday party" (don't go there, it wasn't my idea). i have volunteered to bring the cake. i am actually going to make two cakes: one vegan and one not. there is a girl in the department who is highly lactose intolerant, so i am going to make my little no eggs, no dairy chocolate cake, and experiment with a some dairy free cream cheese for the icing. i think, though, for the actual *birthday* cake, i'm going to do a multi layered chocolate and fruit sort of experience. i wish i had a webcam... i could do a little amateur gourmet sort of experience. acutally, now that i think about it, i may attempt some peanut butter cookies, as well. mmmm baking. why aren't i as big as a house? i have no idea, but two other people have asked that same question of me in the last month...

speaking of food, the next time you hear me say that having pizza for dinner would be a great idea, slap me, ok? you have my permission. for the second weekend in a row, i have attempted to have pizza (i really really really like pizza). for the second weekend in a row, i have puked my guts out almost immediately afterwards. so... since i know myself and i know that it will sound like a good idea (probably next weekend, even) just stop me before i place the order. please? for me? thanks.

mike b and i watched 'love, actually' last night. i really enjoyed it - laughed out loud on a couple of occasions. mike b was more restrained in his enjoyment, but i believe he liked it as well. um... i was going to say some stuff here about love etc, but really, i just want to go buy dried cherries so i can make muffins.

samedi, mai 29


how hot is freddie ljungberg?

bronte parte deux (trois? neuf? cinqante?)

i've been struggling over what to write today, for some reason. i think that i'm feeling really disconnected from myself these past couple of weeks, and so there's all sorts of turgid thought and emotion roiling around in my head, but very little of it is making it to the surface. so, forgive me gentle readers.. i know not what i do.

i think that i need to go travel for a bit.. i need to fill my tank with gas and drive for about 3 hours, stop at a cool spot, get a room overlooking some water within walking distance of a good cafe that opens early, pull out my book and settle in for about a week. then, when i come out on the other side, i'll have a bit of clarity over who i am and where i want to be right now. that or i'll be so content that i'll just never leave - i'll get a job at the little cafe making muffins, soup and cinammon buns and be delighted my new small town life.

is it a bad thing that, really, all i want is a job where i bake and make soup for people in a small spot with tonnes of characters to talk to? where i can play cool music and have great magazines left about, where people come to hang out and have a good meal, where teenagers dressed in black come to scribble in their notebooks, drink espresso and chew on black painted fingernails?

mr. married looked at me over lunch in the cafeteria yesterday and said "you are so not right for this place... you are good at your job because, honestly, i think you would be good at anything you tried, but this isn't for you. you are going to quit, unless there is a major change in the structure of your department - it's just a matter of time." smart man, is mr. married. now i just have to find an alternative plan.



lundi, mai 24

slow movement

this morning, while sitting on my deck in the sunshine, eating a home-baked chocolate croissant and sipping a large mug of cafe au lait, i perused a column in the vancouver sun about the slow living movement. this is a phenomenon that rose up out of the french-invented, italian driven food movement that focuses on in-season, locally available fresh ingredients and drinking lots of red wine (see, at this point moxee's today post for an interesting comment on the economics of food. actually, if you see the sidebar for the social issues research centre, there's a good article available for reading. but i digress). anyhoo. this whole thing made me stop and think about my lifestyle. i do work very hard during the week - i work long hours and my days are pretty packed with stress and activity. but my weekends are markedly different. the biggest decision i made this weekend was whether or not to buy bake-at-home chocolate croissants or purchase them prebaked for ease of consumption. i wandered in the sunshine, hit up my favourite vancouver grocery spots, drank iced tea and sunned myself in my bikini, spent time with my mom, and talked with friends. granted, my room is a mess, and i should have tidied. but really, on days this gorgeous, who cares?

part of this indulgence comes from, of course, the fact that my time is *really* my own. i have no partner nagging me to do chores or run errands. i can take as much time perusing baked goods at my favourite bakery as i want. my son spent most of the weekend with friends - we touched base yesterday to go to the beach to sit in the sun and eat greasy beach food stand burgers chat about life, and watch the bikini girls go by.

the downside to this is that i tend to go a little stir crazy when left to my own thoughts too much. i get lost inside my head and have trouble shaking the introspection. also, on saturday evening when the sun came out, all i really wanted to do was pack up the car and have an impromputu camping trip. this, however, is not much fun on your own.

i think that, as i get older, i'm going to become more and more comfortable living in my own skin, and being by myself. this is, in part, one of the reasons that i figure if i don't meet someone amazing in the next couple of years and "settle down" so to speak, it's never going to happen. which, given the past weekend, is a double edged sword. i've been kind of lonely, but at the same time, it's good for my soul.

samedi, mai 22

pensive sundae

i was reading this and started to think about what certain songs remind me of... i just happened upon this post very shortly after someone told me that they would never be able to hear jane's addiction without thinking of me. it's super interesting to me how certain smells and sounds can tie you to a moment in time, or to a person, or to an emotion. for example, the gypsy kings will always make me a) hungry and b) think of a former boyfriend, who was the head chef in a tapas restaurant. when i hear them,i'm suddenly transported back to his restaurant, at the table in the back where i always sat, dipping crusty bread in roasted red pepper soup and drinking wine. loreena mckennitt and chet baker take me back to the bookstore i worked at; to summer saturday afternoons when the boss wasn't around and we were busy hanging with the customers planning our night out. there is a massive attack song that is forever owned by psychojeremy - but makes me think of him in a good way, believe it or not. the sound of rain on the roof of a car makes me think of camping: of lying in my sleeping bag listening to the drops of water hitting the thin ceiling above me, knowing that half of everything i own will be damp in the morning. woodsmoke is fall: warm sweaters and going back to school. roast beef and apple pie are sundays in my mom's kitchen.

are these normal things for most people? i guess the woodsmoke one for sure is... what else?

quiz du dae


I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.


how much of a militant feminist are you? my assessment:

"Not too bad, but you can do better. Keep working on it- maybe try kicking a few guys wherever you want to, then start lighting them on fire. Slow and steady wins the race, okay? You've got a long way to go, but I think you'll survive."

rainy saturdae

i was going to get up and go for a run in the rain... but after last night's dairy product debacle, i woke up with a seriously grumbly belly, and had my maple walnut bagel and very large cup of coffee half-consumed by the time i remembered my plan. ah well, maybe later. i don't think the rain is going to stop any time soon.

what shall i do today? mike b is still in whistler, so no brunch plans are panning out. maybe i could go down to main street and hit front & company.. i'm feeling a little out of sorts, though. part of it is my little internal dilemma that i still can't write about cause i'm still trying to sort out.. the other part of it is how much i miss mike b, and what that, ultimately, means.

mr married posed a situation to me the other day... a really interesting one that has been tossing around in my head with all the other stuff. what is going to happen to the friendship i have with mike when he gets into a serious relationship? i know that he's not ready for one yet, but last week's conversation hell was a sort of scary precursor - i know that our friendship is totally solid enough to deal with judge jody (sorry mike, i couldn't resist), but what happens if it comes to a point where mike has to choose between the woman he loves and me? how scary is that? i know we can all say that friends are important and that good relationships allow space for all kinds of friendships, but lets be serious for a minute - most of my guy friends' girlfriends dislike me. i'm cute, i'm a flirt, and i think like a guy. and what girl is going to want her man to have a *best* friend who is a girl? most women are territorial.

and, honestly, mike b is a catch. he's handsome, is super nice, has great values, a good job (are you listening, girls?). he's gonna meet someone amazing, fall in love, get married, and give his parents a few grandkids to lug around. where do i fit into that situation?

why the hell am i thinking about all of this today? i guess more and more i don't see myself fitting into that place with anyone, lately. and it's rainy, and i've been introspective, and i'm feeling a little lonely. ah fuck it. i'm going to shower and go shopping.

lundi, mai 17

ouch

so my heart hurts a little, today... mike b left for whistler last nite and i miss him already. i know i know.. he'll be back on the weekends.. i know i know.. i rarely see him during the week anyway.. but that's not the *point* (she says whinging and stamping her foot, just a little). it's funny, the friendship that mike b and i have developed. we haven't known each other for that long, and we have some seriously fundamental differences in the way we view the world, but we have become pretty close in these past six or so months.

my finger also hurts - sure sign that i have not been cooking enough: i was cutting up papaya to take with my lunch and nearly sliced the tip of my left middle finger off. this would not be so bad if, not even a week ago, i hadn't done nearly the exact same thing to my left next-to-middle finger. that's seriously the first (and second) times i've cut myself with a cooking knife in YEARS. i am seriously out of practice.

speaking of cooking look here for some tempting and economical ways of feeding yourself and your loved ones. i am particularly entranced by the 'fluorescent foods' category. made myself a spam and cheese filled sandwich for lunch tomorrow...

moxeedelic came for a visit this weekend... we shared some fast paced girl moments as we ran through a mall in search of a pink camoflage bikini.. she laughed her ass off at me chatting up a taxi dispatcher, we had some drinks and did a little dancing. we also ended up in a fairly deep conversation that wasn't really as lighthearted as the evening sort of required... mike's friend jody had some pretty strong ideas about moxee's lifestyle choices and sort of let fly at both mox and me ('cause of some of the emotional issues i have been dealing with myself of late). neither the time nor the place, and i think everyone was a little uncomfortable with the turn of conversation. we went on to go dancing and the evening was definately fun, but there were some deep thoughts happening for most parties, i think. moxee and i talked about it for a bit the next morning - we continued our blonde giggly girl fest over a walk, a latte and brunch.. i think the thing that we were both concerned with and hurt by is that we were so harshly judged by someone who doesn't know us that well. the world isn't black and white and, while it is really easy to put things into categories of 'right' and 'wrong' or 'me' versus 'you', emotions almost always get in the way of such didactic categorizations.

ah well... i've thought about this way too much over the last couple of days.. chances are i'll think about it some more - this is where most of my thoughts have been for the past few weeks.

vendredi, mai 14

the other day

i was supposed to post my horoscope, but i forgot. however, i do think it's one of those good little life lessons that should be referred to on occasion, so i'm going to post wednesdae's 'scope today. ok?

"Have you been listening to pop songs for your descriptive oxymorons and rhyming words? All you can think about is elation and frustration, terrific and horrific, attraction and distraction. Opposites feel alarmingly interchangeable. Your plans require you to go north when actual events insist on heading south. Laughing at your misfortunes is okay for now, but if you keep that up for too long, you'll enter the same loop that traps you when you call yourself unlucky. Be open to the possibilities instead of instantly assuming that you know what it all means. Life is full of surprises."

actually, i get most of my life lessons and philosophies from lyrics... they're just thoughts an pieces of poetry set to song, right?

why haven't you been posting much, ms sundae? well cause there is stuff going on in my life that i'm reluctant to post. the horrible thing with the nasty anonymous commenter is that now i'm a little hesitant to write about some of the things that have been going on in my head. and i realize that with a public blog i have to sort of expect that people are reading and may have thoughts and opinions of their own... but i think that often people happen upon blogs and leave nasty comments purely with the intent of hurting people. to me they are the kids in the schoolyard who were always to cowardly to say what they think, do what they will and look how they want to look. they just hung at the back of the pack, acting the way they were expected to act, and basically did what they were told by the more dominant kids in the schoolyard. now they wander around the internet leaving drops of poison wherever they rest for a moment... trying to bring everyone down to their own insecure unhappy state...

hm i guess that was a bit of a rant, huh? i'm not sure where it came from... well, i think i do know, but that's something that i'm still rolling around my brain right now... i'll try and address it later on.

mercredi, mai 12

in case you were worried about who to vote for

in the upcoming american election...

this should answer all of your questions...

mardi, mai 11

"what's for dinner mom?" "why, frankfurter spectacular!"

LOOK at this. no do it. seriously. i swear to god i had no ideas there were so many ways to serve mackeral. fluffy mackeral.. snappy mackeral... dieters in the '70s were SICK - SICK i say...

for research purposes only

people have recently stumbled across the sundae sanitarium by searching for:


  • calgary flames fans on 17 ave nudity (voyeurs!)
  • random blog (lazy!)
  • "how do I know" that a coworker wants me to hit on them (cause they have sat in your lap and nibbled on your ear, all the while leaning over the budget reports in a seriously low cut blouse)
  • calories Neo-citran (231)
  • 'bob dylan's song hurricane and the stereotypes the song discusses (obviously a term paper subject. here's a friendly hint to current students from a former teacher - if you can google it, so can the cute girl at the front of the class. chances are, if she's *at* the front of the class, her brain is at least moderately adequate)
  • sundae (what kind? how large? where would you like to consume it and with whom? enquiring minds want to know)
  • in a place like this i'll get away with it (you are right - in a place like this you will)


welcome, fine googlers... i hope that the sundae experience is all you had hoped it would be.

tuesdae

todae's horoscope:

Yes, relationships are about romance, but there's so much more to them. Politics are a big factor, and therapy is a major benefit. When something is annoying but unavoidable, give it your full attention. Look your partner squarely in the face and appreciate his or her individuality. Compassion only seems expensive until it starts flowing naturally again. Then you'll feel simultaneously grown up and childlike. Welcome back to the world that you once knew. -

for the record, and for those who are interested, this sunshine sundae girl is a leo.... just in case you other leos wanted to keep track.

dimanche, mai 9

oh canada

all is right with the world...

team canada is the world champs in hockey (naturally) and calgary beat san jose in game one.

my mama and i spent the afternoon at a local organic herb greenhouse. i picked up some sunflowers, a tomato plant with an intriguing name, some ginger mint (cause god knows i need more mint) and a few staples... calvin ditched me for mothers day (i had really wanted to go see supersize me) so she felt sorry for me. i am quite down in the dumps about it, actually... i can't help but think back to last mother's day, when we were in 'loops for track, staying in the cool hotel, and he won me a gold medal for my gift. seems like six lifetimes ago...

canada book week

in honor of canada book week, history television has posted a timeline of great books. how many have you read? i've put a little (y) beside the ones that i've finished. mind you, my education is in english lit, so honestly i'd be fairly ashamed to say that i haven't read most of these. i'm curious to see if anyone has any they'd like to add? comment me the title, a brief synopsis, and why you think it belongs on the list.


The Epic of Gilgamesh (y)
c. 2000 BC, Mesopotamia, Anonymous
A work of about 3000 lines written on 12 stone tablets and found at the ruins of Nineveh. The stories revolve around Gilgamesh, a powerful king of Uruk, and his friend Enkidu.

The Iliad / The Odyssey (y)
c.700 BC, Homer, Greece
These two epic poems attributed to Homer became the models for all forthcoming Western epic poetry.

The Aeneid (y)
c.70-19 BC, Virgil, Italy
With the epic poem chronicling the adventures of Aeneas, Virgil took up his place as the greatest of all the Latin poets.

The Bible (y)
c.300
Since about the 4th century, the Bible is the term used to describe the Christian Scriptures. It is a well-known fact that the Bible is the top-selling book throughout history.

Beowulf (y)
c. 8th century, unknown, England
The oldest existing epic poem written in English tells the story of Beowulf, a warrior, who slays both Grendel (a water monster) and his mother. In the second part of the poem, Beowulf fights a dragon, wins, and then dies a glorious, celebrated death.

The Divine Comedy (y)
c.1300, Dante Alighieri, Italy
Divided into three parts, the vernacular poem recounts the poet's journey through Heaven, Hell and Purgatory.

The Canterbury Tales (y)
Begun 1386, Geoffrey Chaucer, England
From the brilliant and bawdy Wife of Bath to the idolized hero of "The Knight's Tale," Chaucer's work illustrates the stories of pilgrims on their way to Canterbury. It represents life in 14th century England.

The Faerie Queen (y)
1590, books 1-3, 1596, books 1-6, Edmund Spenser, b. England, lived in Ireland after 1580.
Written by the "poet's poet" Edmund Spenser, "The Faerie Queen" influenced English poetry for centuries. One part romantic epic, one part 'courtesy book,' one part allegory, the poem tells the story of the Faerie Queen and her subjects in Faeryland, the Faeries or Elves.

Romeo and Juliet, Hamlet, King Lear, Othello, and Macbeth (y)
c.1595-1608, William Shakespeare, England
Many believe Shakespeare the greatest writer ever to have lived. With a canon that includes 37 plays, 154 sonnets and two long poems, it's hard to choose the best, but you can't really go wrong with the great tragedies—encompassing some of the most beautiful language, structure, character and theme written in English. (**as an aside, bard on the beach is doing macbeth this year....)

Don Quixote
1605, Miguel de Cervantes, Spain
A hugely successful book often considered one of the first modern novels, Don Quixote's self-involved title character sets off adventures influenced by his own obsession with chivalric romance.

Paradise Lost (y)
1667, first edition, John Milton, England
The greatest epic poem ever written in English, "Paradise Lost" tells the story of Satan's fall from heaven, and Adam and Eve's expulsion from the Garden of Eden.

Robinson Crusoe (Life and Strange Surprising Adventures of Robinson Crusoe) (y)
1719, Daniel Defoe, England
With the extraordinary tale of Robinson Crusoe's survival on a deserted island, Dafoe wrote what many critics consider to be the first novel in English.

Pamela
1740, Samuel Richardson, England
The story of a young maidservant who successfully defends her virtue by fighting off the advances of her lecherous employer, Pamela is the first novel to be written in epistolary form.

Tom Jones (y)
1749, Henry Fielding, England
Fielding's masterpiece brings middle-class English existence to life in fiction.
The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy
1760, Laurence Sterne, England
Expanding the conception of a novel that's simply a reflection of outside events, Sterne writes himself into the story while recording thoughts, ideas and imaginings.

"Kubla Khan" (y)
1797-1798, Samuel Taylor Coleridge
The closest thing to stream of consciousness the Romantic period can claim, Coleridge wrote this poetic fragment just as it had appeared to him in a dream hours earlier.

Pride and Prejudice (y)
1813, Jane Austen, England
One of the greatest female writers of the 19th century, Austen also wrote Emma, Persuasion and Mansfield Park.

Waverley (y)
1814, Sir Walter Scott, Scotland
The first example of the historical novel, Scott dramatizes the events surrounding the Jacobite uprising in Scotland in 1745.

Frankenstein (y)
1818, Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, England
With the gothic tale of Dr. Frankenstein, who creates a monster that inevitably destroys him, Shelley created the horror genre.

"Don Juan" (y)
1819-1824, Lord Byron, England
The quintessential Romantic poet writing the quintessential Romantic poem, Byron was one of the most popular poets of his day, and Don Juan is his obvious masterpiece.

The Last of the Mohicans (y)
1826, James Fenimore Cooper, United States
A part of the Leatherstocking series, the novel, as with the others in the series, examines the conflict between wilderness and civilization.

"In Memoriam A.H.H." (y)
1833, Alfred, Lord Tennyson, England
The sudden death of his friend, Arthur Hallum, inspired Tennyson to write this glorious tribute to male friendship.

Jane Eyre (y)
1847, Charlotte Brontë, England
Mr. Rochester employs Jane Eyre, who falls passionately in love with him; only to find out he's married to the 'madwoman in the attic.'

Wuthering Heights (y)
1847, Emily Brontë, England
The passionate, troubled relationship between Catherine and Heathcliff has become archetypal, and Brontë's undeniably gifted prose essentially proves Wuthering Heights will remain a remarkable example of the novel.

David Copperfield (y)
1850, Charles Dickens, England
Of Dickens incredibly successful novels, David Copperfield remained his favourite, partially because of its slightly autobiographical nature. Other great novels include Great Expectations, A Tale of Two Cities and A Christmas Carol.

Scarlet Letter (y)
1850, Nathaniel Hawthorne, United States
A portrait of Puritan society in Massachusetts, the Scarlet Letter tells Hester Prynne's tale of immorality and societal pressure towards love, relationships and the human consciousness.

Moby-Dick (y)
1851, Herman Melville, United States
The central characters from Melville's best-known work have become permanent figures in American mythology. Moby-Dick tells the story Ahab and his quest to find the great white whale.

Madame Bovary (y)
1856, Gustave Flaubert, France
A masterful example of realism, Madame Bovary tells the story of a young woman caught in an unhappy marriage.

War and Peace (y)
1862-1869, Leo Tolstoy, Russia
One of the world's greatest writers, writing what is considered by some to be the world's greatest novel, set during the Napoleonic invasion of 1812, the book exemplifies Tolstoy's own views on history—that is works inevitably for its own ends, and not for the betterment of humankind.

Crime and Punishment (y)
1866, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russia
Emerging as a major talent from the 19th century, Dostoyevsky's masterpiece tells the story of Raskolnikov's crime and his subsequent self-imposed exile to Siberia.

Middlemarch (y)
1870-1871, George Eliot, England
While Middlemarch is considered Eliot's masterpiece, another of her novels, The Mill on the Floss should also be recognized as a magnificent example of the Victorian novel.

The Portrait of a Lady (y)
1881, Henry James, United States
James perfects his ability as an unabashed spectator of the upper classes, often bringing to light the conflicts between American and European societies in The Portrait of a Lady. Other notable books include: The Wings of the Dove (1902) and the Golden Bowl (1904).

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (y)
1884, Mark Twain, United States
Twain's classic coming-of-age tale that sees Huckleberry Finn traveling down the Mississippi on a raft portrayed American life during the 19th century.

Jude the Obscure (y)
1896, Thomas Hardy, England
Hardy's last novel—after the controversy Jude the Obscure inspired, he abandoned fiction altogether. It's a shame because the bittersweet tale of Jude and Susanna, their love, their tragedies, their convictions, truly makes for great fiction.

"The Awakening" (y)
1899, Kate Chopin, United States
The 'bird in the cage' metaphor that runs through Chopin's novel reflects the early feminist roots of this American novel.

Heart of Darkness (y)
1902, Joseph Conrad, b. Ukraine, England
Marlow's journey deep into Africa in search of Kurtz remains one of the greatest modern novels ever written.

Sons and Lovers (y)
1913, D.H. Lawrence, England
Along with The Rainbow and Women in Love, Lawrence's freedom in terms of sexual expression revolutionized the ideal of love within fiction.

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man / Ulysses (y)
1916, 1922, James Joyce, Ireland
Joyce's monumental Ulysses reinvented fiction with its publication. His earlier work, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, remains a fascinating example of the bildingsroman, or coming of age tale.

The Age of Innocence (y)
1920, Edith Wharton, United States
Wharton won a Pulitzer Prize for this exceptional novel that examines the lives of men and women ensconced, for better or for worse, in the upper classes of New York Society.

Remembrance of Things Past (y)
1922-1932, Marcel Proust, France
Proust's cyclical novel series represents his monumental dedication to storytelling.

"The Waste Land" (y)
1922, T.S. Eliot, England / United States
Eliot's "The Waste Land," by reflecting the bareness of modern life, remains one of the greatest studies of the human condition ever written.

A Passage to India
1924, E.M. Forster, England
The novel reflects the situation in colonial India, both from the perspective of the colonists, and their relationship to the local population.

The Great Gatsby (y)
1925, F. Scott Fitzgerald, United States
As the quintessential voice of the Jazz Age, Fitzgerald's masterpiece tells the story of Jay Gatsby, a man destroyed by the very thing he craves—the American dream.

The Trial (y)
1925, Franz Kafka, Czech Republic
Along with The Castle and "Metamorphosis," Kafka's stories reflect the stark reality of the alienation found within human existence. As an interesting aside, most of his fiction was published posthumously.

Mrs. Dalloway / To the Lighthouse (y)
1925, 1927, Virginia Woolf, England
Woolf's most poignant books, both express her dedication to the new, developing form of the modern novel.

The Sun Also Rises (y)
1926, Ernest Hemingway, United States
A group of expatriates live in Paris during the difficult post-war era, disillusioned and desperate to find happiness. Hemingway became the voice of the "lost generation" with his often-simplistic prose style oddly capable of reflecting the complex psychological problems of his characters.

The Sound and the Fury
1929, William Faulkner, United States
Recipient of the Noble Prize in literature, Faulkner remains one of the greatest American writers of all times. His dedication to form, as seen in his near-perfect use of stream of consciousness both in this novel and in As I Lay Dying, is equaled only by his ability to characterize the gothic nature of the American south.

Brave New World (y)
1932, Aldous Huxley, England
The novel takes place in the 25th century, and it tells the story of a frightening yet utterly compelling utopian society.

The Grapes of Wrath (y - although i do prefer steinbeck's "little" books)
1939, John Steinbeck, United States
Steinbeck won a Pulitzer Prize for this incredibly sad story of the Joad family, whose westward journey in search of a better life only serves to reflect the desperate struggles of the American farmer.

The Stranger (y - in french, even)
1946, Albert Camus, France
This existential work of art solidifies Camus' place as one of the 20th century's greatest thinkers.

The Heart of the Matter
1948, Graham Greene, England
Greene's straightforward prose comes to its height with this novel about the experiences of a police officer serving in West Africa.

Nineteen Eighty-Four (y)
1949, George Orwell, England
Orwell's futuristic novel exploring the dehumanization of society—the creation of 'Big Brother' resonates to this day.

The Catcher in the Rye (y)
1951, J.D. Salinger, United States
Holden Caufield is the archetypal cynical teenager, immortalized forever in Salinger's most famous work.

Invisible Man (y)
1952, Ralph Ellison, United States
Ellison's nameless protagonist struggles to find acceptance as an African-American man living in America.

Lord of the Flies (y)
1954, William Golding, England
The bone-chilling story of a group of boys trapped on an island as their community quickly descends into savagery.

The Lord of the Rings (y)
1954-1955, J.R.R. Tolkien, England
Tolkien's masterful trilogy about the adventures of Frodo Baggins and the Fellowship of the Ring have thrilled children and adults for decades.

On the Road (y)
1957, Jack Kerouac, United States
The beat movement's most poignant voice, Kerouac's greatest novel was written in one sitting: a focused, adventurous testament to the power of creativity.

Doctor Zhivago
1958 (tr. English), Boris Pasternak, Russia
Pasternak won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1958 for this novel about life in communist Russia.

Things Fall Apart (y)
1958, Chinua Achebe, Nigeria
Known as the father of African literature, Achebe's seminal work explores the affects of colonialism on Africa.

A House for Mr. Biswas
1961, V.S. Naipul, b. Trinidad, England
Naipul's poignant work about the anti-hero, Mr. Biswas, reflects the world of post-colonial Trinidad.

Rabbit Run
1961, John Updike, United States
Faced with the passing of his golden days as a star athlete, Harry Angstrom, Updike's protagonist, runs away from his wife and child in search of satisfaction outside suburban America.

A Clockwork Orange (y)
1962, Anthony Burgess, England
Imaginative and stylized, complete with it's own vocabulary, Burgess' masterpiece remains one of the most enigmatic works of fiction ever published.

Wide Sargasso Sea (y)
1966, Jean Rhys, b. Dominica, England
With her re-telling of Jane Eyre from the perspective of the 'madwoman in the attic,' Rhys re-invented the earlier novel, bringing the Caribbean to life.

One Hundred Years of Solitude (y)
1967, Gabriel García Márquez, Columbia
Márquez brought the world of magical realism to the world of fiction with all of his novels, the most successful of which is the one selected here.

Catch-22 (y)
1969, Joseph Heller, United States
Set during the Second World War, Heller's post-modern look at the conflict drips with humour and irony.

Slaughterhouse-Five (y)
1969, Kurt Vonnegut, United States
A fascinating social critic, Vonnegut plays with the genre in his most popular novel.

Gravity's Rainbow (y)
1979, Thomas Pynchon, United States
This novel is the post-modern writer's best-known work.

The Diviners (y)
1974, Margaret Laurence, Canada
The story of Morag Gunn resonates as one of the greatest novels ever to be published in Canada.

Midnight's Children (y)
1981, Salman Rushdie, b. Bombay, India, England
While Rushdie's Satanic Verses remains his most controversial novel, the glorious, engaging and delightful Midnight's Children better reflects the depth of his talent for fiction.

The Handmaid's Tale (y - i think oryx and crake will surpass this one)
1986, Margaret Atwood, Canada
Atwood has emerged as one of the world's most popular novelists. Her most-interesting work, The Handmaid's Tale, is a futuristic story about religious extremists.

In the Skin of the Lion (y - i don't enjoy ondaatje's fiction, but his poetry is superlative)
1987, Michael Ondaatje, b. Sri Lanka, Canada
While The English Patient is his most commercially successful novel, In the Skin of the Lion describes the experiences of immigrants in Canada, and therefore resonates for its honest portrayal of Canadian life.

all in all, i was glad to see a nice representation of women writers. however, i think that this list is pretty rooted in the western canon. more world books should be here for sure. now that i'm thinking about it, my mind is pretty much blank for additions, but off the top of my head i'd have to say:
  • trainspotting by irvine welsh - his work with dialect, and his representations of thatcherite britain are evocative and moving. as well, he does an amazing job of writing the drug culture.
  • the maltese falcon by dashiell hammet - that's the mystery junkie in me
  • the women's room by marilyn french - that's the feminist fiction junkie in me
  • harry potter and the philosopher's stone by jk rowling - got a generation of children (and not a few adults) to read again and to believe in magic
  • famous last words by timothy findley - i was reminded by answering to maktaaq's comment. i think this is his finest work.


i'm sure there are more. actually i'm thinking of making it my summer project to read don quixote. that, of all the books on the list that i haven't read yet, is the one i'm ashamed to admit.

samedi, mai 8

update

back in march i posted my list. the list to end all lists. the ultimate list.

here's an update. again, the bottom 4 of the top five are in no particular order. number one remains, as always, number one. but there have been some exciting changes!

5) freddie ljunberg
4) vin diesel
3) jude law
2) johnny depp

and...

1) dave grohl. i love to love dave grohl.


and the bottom top five...

6) john cusack
7) david beckham
8) mattias ohlund
9) david draiman (singer from disturbed)
10) jason statham

not too much has changed. just in case you were interested....

dr phil. -- i got 41

ok, i've never actually seen dr. phil, but someone felt like i should take his quiz. so here it is:
Here you go ... try this. Below is Dr. Phil's test. Dr. Phil scored 55 --he did this test on Oprah -- she got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. It is pretty accurate and only takes 2 minutes. The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends. Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.


Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready?? Begin...
==================================================

>>1. When do you feel your best?
>>a) in the morning
>>b) during the afternoon & and early evening
>>c) late at night

>>2. You usually walk...
>>a) fairly fast, with long steps
>>b) fairly fast, with little steps
>>c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
>>d) less fast, head down
>>e) very slowly

>>3. When talking to people you...
>>a) stand with your arms folded
>>b) have your hands clasped
>>c) have one or both your hands on your hips
>>d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
>>e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

>>4. When relaxing, you sit with...
>>a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
>>b) your legs crossed
>>c) your legs stretched out or straight
>>d) one leg curled under you

>>5. When something really amuses you react with...
>>a) big appreciated laugh
>>b) a laugh, but not a loud one
>>c) a quiet chuckle
>>d) a sheepish smile

>>6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
>>a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
>>b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
>>c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

>>7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're
>>interrupted......
>>a) welcome the break
>>b) feel extremely irritated
>>c) vary between these two extremes

>>8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
>>a) Red or orange
>>b)black
>>c) yellow or light blue
>>d) green
>>e) dark blue or purple
>>f) white
>>g) brown or gray

> >>9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before
>>going to
>>sleep...
>>a) stretched out on your back
>>b) stretched out face down on your stomach
>>c) on your side, slightly curled
>>d) with your head on one arm
>>e) with your head under the covers

>>10. You often dream that you are...
>>a) falling
>>b) fighting or struggling
>>c) searching for something or somebody
>>d) flying or floating
>>e) you usually have dreamless sleep
>>f) your dreams are always pleasant
>>
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a
person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely
loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return.
Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust
in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if
that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle
and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions &who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't

vendredi, mai 7

book clubs

so we now have three hot smartchix in a book club. we need a cabana boy and a martini sponsor. any takers? mike b? mutt? mr. newly single? you know you want to...

i have had a weirdly exhausting week... i developed a headache very early on today, and i simply could not shake it. i threw drugs at it, i threw food at it, i tried shoe shopping, i drank water and mint tea till i thought i would float home.. believe it or not it's 9.30 at nite and i *still* have the headache. and, to make matters worse, it appears to be progressing down my arm. but that could just be due to the mammoth amounts of typing i have been doing. not here, obviously, but at work.

speaking of shoes.. i think that, assuming that when payday comes they are still available, i have found my kicky summer shoes.. quite to die for. i shan't discuss them here in case people run out and buy them all. needless to say, if my plan comes together, i can think of a certain ms. mox who shall be quite jealous.

man i have got to stop staying home on the weekends, or my blog entries will never get any spicier. i guess if i stopped blowing off dates with people i meet, i might get out of my house now and again. why am i so apathetic? i was speaking with bun earlier, and he was telling me about the hot chick he's been seeing. well, i'm not sure seeing is the correct word to describe what he's been doing with (to) her. anyhoo... i mourned the fact that all i really want is a decent booty call - i don't want to worry about going for dinner, being nice, making small talk. i just want to have fun and get laid. is that too much to ask? he figures that, eventually, one of the parties involved develops feelings. i figure that might be ok as a gradual thing... but right now i'm too selfish, i think.

or maybe it's just that i haven't found anyone who can compete with my kid, my job, and my friends recently. does this mean i'm going to grow old alone? probably not, but honestly i don't really care. well, that's a bit of a lie. but in reality, there are so many great people in the world that i feel like i could spend five minutes in the company of 1 1/100th of them and live a blessed life, you know?






mercredi, mai 5

world book day!

check this

i miss living in a book world... organizing readings, hanging with authors, talking about books, arguing about poetry.... i think that maybe i should join a book club, but i'm afraid of it being full of boring middle aged people (no offence ms mox, but i'm going on the kind of women who joined book clubs when i worked at the bookstore - if i lived in victoria, i'd join yours for sure!)

if anyone has an opening in their group, and doesn't mind a sassy, irreverant blonde who's smarter than she may seem at first glance joining, will you drop me a line?

mardi, mai 4

would you do it?

so i was bustling about the kitchen (i've been in a cooking frame of mind the last few days) listening, as is my habit, to the cbc. as it happens did a brief article regarding a new push by the transplant society in bc - i guess what they are doing now is looking for living, healthy, kidney donors. you go in, they cut you open, they put it in someone else. you are in hospital for a week, and have about 6-8 weeks of recovery time. this is, of course, assuming that you can find a surgeon willing to perform the operation (sort of goes against that whole 'not knowingly causing harm' oath).

would you do it? would you do it for a family member? i'd actually cut out my heart if i thought it would save calvin's life, but then he's my son. would i give a kidney to a stranger? in theory, it's easy to be altruistic and say yes. in practice, however, there are deeper implications - the least of which being that you will only have one, which could, presumably, fail some day. what if, 30 years down the road, your spouse, sister or child needed that kidney? what if you suffered complications and ended up with a life threatening condition or even died?

it's a hard question. it's not like volunteering to serve christmas dinner to the homeless, or giving money to charity. this is seriously life-altering. would you do it?