todae's horoscope:

oooo i *love* my horoscope today!

"Do great things and learn from them as you do them. The doors of your heart are open, and there's room for everyone inside. Your personal ray of sunshine warms anyone who crosses your path. Use this to your advantage at work today -- there's room for advancement, and your demeanor today will help you get where you want to go. After work, expect to meet someone new and exciting who will change the way you think, and vice versa. This is good news for you both."

The Hotness

so my approach to today was to dress hot, wear a great pair of shoes, and act aloof. i invoked what newly coined The Hotness. ok i managed the shoes and the clothes. also the hair, which was good today. the aloof-ness was not so much a success. actually, let's not kid. it's was a miserable failure. the hotness, however, worked well. and, i may add, was noticed.

i have never had a relationship end in which both parties loved each other and wished they could be together but are kept apart by other circumstances. it's remarkably soul-crushing. not to mention the fact that we work together... today was hard. tomorrow will be.... ah you fill in the blanks.

so disoriented

ok for the past five / six months my morning pattern has been wake up, email (***). (***) calls me while he's walking his dog. more emails while i'm on my way to work. i get in, and promptly begin watching for (***)'s car. (***) calls me while he's driving to work. (***) gets here, we say good morning and chat over coffee for a few minutes.

i'm not sure what to do...

is it fall already?

so i'm wearing a sweater. ok it's pretty sheer, and i have a tank top and bare legs under my little denim skirt, but it's still a sweater. and it's still, technically, august. not right. not right at all.

several people have asked me what i shall do when he changes his mind again? (both maktaaq and newly feel that he will do it) well, for the record, i don't think he's going to change his mind. however, i'm not particularly into being the best buy gift package consolation prize, if you know what i am saying. he did say to me, at one point: "i'd like to think that if i ended things with you, and things didnt' work out with me and (***), i could come find you. i mean, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, right?". to which i sort of gaped at him.

maya angelou has this great saying: "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time". i think i got to find out a little bit about who he is the other day, you know? and i'm not sure i like it. i'm just glad i found out after 6 months, not after 15 years. that said, i cannot honestly answer that question at this point. it's not as though i'm not in love with him. i'm not the kind of person who can shut her feelings off - i tend to feel things really deeply, so it takes me a while to heal them. if he were to come to me and tell me he was sorely mistaken and wanted to make things work, what would i do? i have no idea...

yesterday i got the "it's not you it's me" phone call. he was quite adamant that it was over, but wanted to apologize for the way it ended. i, for one, feel that he was just immensely guilty for "The Airport Incident", and figured that calling to apologize would absolve him of the guilt. i, being me, called him on his bullshit. he sputtered ineffectually.

anyhoo... monday will be a challenge... we have a meeting first thing. should be interesting. if you read reports of a man being thrown through a plate glass window at a local office building, come bail me out, ok?

the ugly stepsister

there is one of those old sayings that has always stuck with me: "there are girls men have fun with and girls men marry". it's like being the ugly stepsister in the fairy tale - i really don't think all of them were that ugly. they just weren't the princess, you know? i'm trying to figure out how to get from being the girl that guys just hang out with for fun to being the other kind. not that i necessarily want to get married... i just want to feel like i'm the most beautiful girl in the world for someone.

word of advice? don't call someone when they are stuck in an airport, thousands of miles away from friends and family, and end a relationship with them. no matter what you say, that action tells the person that they are, essentially, not worth any respect or consideration at all. especially don't do it when they have accepted screwed up travel arrangements that will mean 19 hours in airports or on planes because they are rushing home to be with you 'cause they know you are unhappy. hiding behind a bank of payphones, clutching a kleenex and a cellphone, sucks a lot. no matter where you are in the world.

jet lag sux

thanks to swizzalish for this fun quiz...

eXpressive: 8/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 6/10
Giver: 8/10


You are a XSYG--Expressive Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Sex Bomb.

You are sexy sex sex sex! The sexness! You are the sexiest, hottest and most charismatic of all types. You are a captivating speaker and a great dinner date -- relaxed, self-effacing, charming and generous. Your type probably has origins in something sad -- trying to keep the peace in a tough family situation, or an early heartbreak -- and you'll probably want to address and resolve that at some point, but in your relationships that heartache is pure gold!

You lie effortlessly -- not necessarily a bad thing. You can have problems with fidelity. You need frequent praise and validation, and in seeking it you can make decisions that aren't consistent with your general good judgment. In other words, don't cheat on your significant other just because someone is paying attention to you.

You strongly dislike conflict, and will avoid it. Like an XPYG, you give so much of yourself to your partner that you feel dismissed and unappreciated if you don't get the same in return. But you internalize your feelings more and have a hard time getting over them. You don't *want* to cheat -- you just keep finding yourself in vulnerable situations. But you'll stay with your partner in the long run from guilt and a desire to please.

Your sex life will always be hot. You are one of the rare people who can keep the fires of passion going forever -- if you find a good match. Find another XSYG and you will never need (or want) anyone else again.

Of the 11758 people who have taken this quiz, 9.6 % are this type.

ooo did somebody's feelings get hurt?

oops - i guess i touched a nerve with the pervert assholes who like the under 12 set. i had a few nasty comments left on my previous post. my new attitude to the fuckwits is this: i simply go in, ban their ip, and move on. their idiocy and sheer insignificance in the world speaks for itself.

an open letter...

to the people who find my site by using the search words "under", "sex" and "sixteen". fuck off. fuck right off. do not pass go, do not collect $200. for the person who used the word "twelve" instead? I hope the under sixteen assholes encounter you in a dark alley and use your nuts for party snacks.

best regards;
raspberry sundae

nostalgic sundae

so this evening i ended a 6 year relationship. why sundae! (you may say) i had no idea you were involved with someone long term!

well i was. and tonight it is over. i have sent my little vw packing. i watched it get hauled up on the back of a tow truck and taken to the wreckers. i am rather emotionally overwrought. funny, huh, that you can become emotionally involved with a beater? but i was. am. was. she's dead now. or is coughing her last.

classic fox "moments from past seasons, our writers are on holiday and didn't leave a script" sitcom montage:

• the driving over 150kph down the highway near chilliwack. having a police officer pull us over moment (the funny thing was that he thought he was involved in a high speed chase and made psychojeremy throw the keys out the car window, get out and spread eagle on the hood)
  
• driving back and forth to vancouver at least once a month for six months straight
  
• getting from pg to vancouver in 7 hours moment
  
• going back and forth across railroad tracks with js cause he was amazed at how the cd player didn't skip moment
  
• the "hey am i starring in my own porno?" blowing a tire & having two firefighters stop to help me out moment
  

ahh such good times. i'll miss you, old girl.

update

1 rebar cookbook exchanged for 1 whole foods market cookbook.

first recipe attempted from the rebar cookbook - raspberry (of course!) oat bars. i modified them to include belgian milk chocolate and coconut. test run by various family members to rave reviews...

birthdae tally

• one delighted sundae
  
• one surprise party
  
• nine fun friends
  
• two beastie boys tickets
  
• two rebar cookbooks (hee hee!)
  
• one fun pink studded leather belt
  
• one fun beaded bracelet
  
• one fun book of essays by culinary women
  
• one super yummy dark chocolate raspberry crush candy bar
  
• countless glasses of vodka & soda
  
• one tipsy sundae
  
• more food than you could shake a stick at
  
• one breakfast in squamish in the sunshine
  
• lots of fun birthday greetings
  

quite the birthday! thanks everybody!

weeee! my birthday horoscope

"Everything's coming up long-stem roses. You have a lot to celebrate, and you are ready to share your high spirits with everyone around you. The core of your being feels full and in harmony with the universe. If you happen to hit a slippery patch today, you will find your way out of it. Triumph is the theme of the day. You glow with a warmth and radiance that attracts all kinds of attention. You don't even have to turn on the switch -- your beam is ever-present."

hmph.

i really hate gossip. what's the point? talking about other people just means, to me, that you need to get a life. who could possibly be so interesting that you have nothing better to do than wander around spreading hearsay and half-truths?

a few years ago, i was part of a small 'scene'. i've never been much of a joiner, so even when i'm part of something i'm usually fairly removed from it. i guess i like to maintain an aura of mystery, if you will. however, in a small town, in a small scene, people rarely have much to talk about other than themselves and each other. so i started hearing tonnes of rumours about myself: i was addicted to cocaine, social services was on the verge of taking my son away, i was anorexic, i'd had my boobs enlarged, i'd had my boobs reduced... all of these silly things. it's generally just hurtful, and it makes it hard to trust the people who are around you. who's doing the talking? where are these stories coming from? why are people so interested in spreading information that is hurtful?

at work, i've also always been fairly removed from the various groups. and there are a few central groups. these groups are generally divided up based on department. one of the departments, in particular, could only be defined as catty. two of the women, in particular, revel in talking about other people - either good or bad. unfortunately, i have been the target more often than once, and am so again.

i hate hearing rumours about myself, but more than that i hate hearing rumours about people i care about that are based on their connection to me. i hate the idea that just because someone associates with me, their character is called into question. it really really upsets me. a few things were brought to my attention last night by my half drunk coworker. she may or may not have said them had she been sober, but say them she did. most of the things she said were going around the office are outright lies.

so i am back to having a general distrust of people today. i also would like to cancel my birthday festivities, because many of the people coming will be work people, and since i don't know who is doing the talking, i don't know who i should even speak with. but i won't do that. i'm just in a muddle.

look what lemolicious left me for my birthday!

i am the luckiest girl in the world... thank you bebe!

3 days was the morning

3 lovers in three ways... we knew when she landed.. three days she'd stay. oops, sorry, tangent.

it's three days to my birthday. i believe the plans involve a beach, a bikini, and lots of refreshing vodka based drinks. once again, you are all invited. please contact mike b if you would like to attend.

suggested birthday offerings:

• beastie boys tickets. and no, mike, i'm not too old for the floor
  
• a copy of the rebar cookbook
  
• the moosewood desserts cookbook
  
• shoes. i wear 6.5 or 7 depending
  
• vintage nancy drew books (the old blue and yellow ones. i have #1 and the secret of shadow ranch, whatever number that is)
  
• anything pink
  
• bt - escm
  

of course, i am just kidding. i'd just like lots of people to come along and have fun with me. it's funny - i had such crappy birthdays when i was with psychojeremy. last year i decided i was going to have fun, so i took myself to vegas. this year, i can't afford vegas and there is someone in particular i don't want to leave behind right now, so i shall stay here and go to the beach. there are a few people that i wish could be here - the palmers, and stacylicious, of course - but i am looking forward to seeing who shall come out for the fun.

boom crash

i went to see the finale of the fireworks last night. i am torn about this whole vancouver phenomenon - some years i try and avoid it like the plague (last year, for example). this year i really wanted to check it out. so i did.

we went to this park on the west side - it's far away from the chaos of the beach scene, but is up on a hill so you can see all of the lightshow without being trampled by hordes of camera flashing tourists. really, the lightshow from the flashes on the beach rivals the spectacle in the sky, but i digress. someone nearby had the foresight to bring along a tinny portable radio so we could listen to the commentary and the music along with. it never ceases to amaze me how a crowd of (probably) just shy of 500 people can hush in an instant.

i was pleased that sweden won (sorry to those of you who had it taped to watch this morning). why is that, you might ask? based on previous posts you may have suspected me of cheering spain along... the truth is this - i'm irish. we generally root for the underdog. and come now, let's not kid. fireworks? in sweden? how unlikely is that? i bet they arrived in canada packed in a very flat box, and required several hours of excruciatingly frustrating do-it-yourself assembly as the presenters attempted to follow cryptic instructions and deciper runic diagrams. so good on them.

anyhoo, i'm off to brunch with the devastatingly handsome mike b. have a lovely sundae...

soup course

soup course

there is something magical about soup, and i don't mean, necessarily, in the obvious witch's steaming cauldron sense. it is, by far, my favourite thing to cook. you take separate ingredients and simmer them together to create an entirely new flavour... you add one or two things and completely alter that flavour. soup can be as complex or as simple as you want - you can take two ingredients and put them together and call it soup. you can combine the sum contents of your refrigerator crisper and voila! soup.

humans have been making soup for around 5000 years - coinciding with the invention of waterproof and heatproof cooking containers. our early ancestors must have marveled at the way you can render a formerly inedible plant product tender to the teeth by prolonged submersion in boiling water; how cereal grains - neat and smooth as intact individuals - became soft and malleable, thickening the broth and submitting to the subtle pressure of the tongue. adding animal fats or nuts change the texture and thickness yet again. the combinations are limitless - are foundered only by the extent of your imagination.

Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Cool it with a baboon's blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.

i judge the quality of a cook by the quality of their soup - it is a forgiving medium and s/he who cannot make a decent pot of soup is questionable in all forms of cookery. i judge the quality of a person by the quality of their soup - it is a labour of love and a metaphor which can be extended to the outside world. put the parts of yourself into any endeavour and the sum which is returned should be of the highest quality.

double double toil and trouble... come back to the cauldron with me, for what is a potion if not a soup? the image of the witch in front of her cooking pot resonates: it is neither the witch nor the brew which strikes fear or awe in our hearts. it is the combination of the two - the transformation of soup to potion is facilitated by the witch, by the woman, by the chef.

double double toil and trouble.... sip hearty chowder with me by a fire on a cold day and let it warm you to the core. spoon chilled gazpacho as we watch the sun set and remember spain. close your eyes and recall campbell's chicken noodle and premium plus crackers after tobagganing. are you with me? can you live my memories with me? i can put who i am into the pot. when i make minestrone i am 15 again, walking through wintery prince george with my friend ilene, taking refuge from the -35 degree weatherin our rec room by the woodstove, eating bowl after bowl of thick soup and eating homemade brown buns.

double double toil and trouble.... soup alone can make the humble potato erotic- rendered sensual and velvety to the taste after its sojourn in the pot. here i add herbs and mysterious powders from my cupboard. smell the transformation as i make water into wine... this is the magic of soup - it lies in the potential of all things to become something more than they appear on the surface.

saturdaes

one of the things i love about blogging is doing stuff like hitting a link from newly's comments and coming upon a new game courtesy of blindsky it's all so interelated....

I AM: almost at my birthay, wearing pyjamas, nursing sore shoulders from the gym

I WANT: an adventure, and someone to have it with. more coffee. a chocolate croissant. a kitchen aid mixer (professional size) in stainless steel.
I HAVE: a decent job, a scary boss, and a nosering
I WISH: for a fairy tale ending (this is hers but i'm leaving it). a holiday somewhere new. new shoes
I HATE: overcooked vegetables, dolls, being broke
I MISS: cooking in my own kitchen, the lebls, going to school
I FEAR: being lost in a sea of my own emotions
I HEAR: people having breakfast
I SEARCH: for peace, but understand as well that the search is peace.
I WONDER: what i shall do today
I REGRET: going back for more when i'd obviously had enough
I LOVE: chocolate, coffee, miso soup, the kiddo, listening to music really loud, driving fast

I ALWAYS: try to face the day with the smile
I AM NOT: particularly awake yet
I DANCE: all the time, but not very well
I SING: while i'm driving
I CRY: as seldom as possible
I WRITE: cause it's part of me, but not as often as i should

I WIN: most arguments (in my head, anyway lol)
I LOSE: everything

I CONFUSE: myself, my words
I NEED: sunday mornings with coffee, a newspaper, and someone to read it with
I SHOULD: comb my hair, look after myself better

[YES OR NO]
You keep a diary: yes
You have a secret journal: no
You set your watch a few minutes ahead: yes
You bite your fingernails: no
You believe in love: yes



[DO YOU]
Take a shower everyday: yes
Want to get married: maybe someday

Have any tattoos/where?: yes / back, shoulder
Piercings/where?: ears, tongue

Get motion sickness: if i read in the car

Think you're a health freak: yes and no
Get along with your parents: most of the time


[WHEN YOU SEE THIS NAME YOU THINK OF?]
Mike: b
Matt: damon
Drew: barrymore

Ashley: judd
Will: smith

Nikki: sixx

Paul: frank
Eve: i want to say every, not a name. funny brain
George: michael
Lauren: hill
Alex: ander the great
Tyler: Liv

[FAVORITE]
NUMBER: 4 or 7
COLOR: pink or black
DAY: sundae
MONTH: august
SONG: digital bath by deftones, acoustic version of everlong by foo fighters, how soon is now by the smiths
FOOD: miso soup, chocolate, really good spaghetti with crusty bread
SEASON: fall
SPORT: track

DRINK: raspberry stoli with soda and a lime

VEGGIE: asparagus, yams, spinach
FRUIT: raspberries of course. also blackberries and nectarines

FAST FOOD: sushi



[IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU]
HELPED SOMEONE? yes
BOUGHT SOMETHING? yes
GOTTEN SICK? yes
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? no

SAID "I LOVE YOU"? yes
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? no
TALKED TO AN EX? no
MISSED AN EX? no
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? yes
TALKED TO SOMEONE YOU CRUSH ON? yes

MISSED SOMEONE? yes

HUGGED SOMEONE? yes
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? no
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? no

hmm this was fun... self reflection for a self-reflective weekend...

tales from the lightbulb factory

my boss is an interesting character. at times, she seems lovely and caring. at others, she's a psychotic nutball who systematically destroys the psyche of the people working for her.

• case in point: today, much to the bafflement of myself and the person i was talking with, i was thrown out of a meeting room because my boss had inadvertantly booked a meeting in it over top of the one that i had scheduled. hers was apparently more important.
  
• case in point: the other day, i received a very angry email instructing me to do something that is not my job and has nothing to do with any part of my job. it's someone elses' - someone in an entirely different department.
  
• case in point: well, there's the whole sending me a job ad thing...
  

i could go on and on, describing a litany of oddness and inappropriate behaviour, but why bother? i do, however, notice that she is slowly but surely alienating herself from many other people in many other departments... and i have to be quietly delighted. i'm interested in seeing where it will go....

secl

Wackiness: 46/100
Rationality: 28/100
Constructiveness: 60/100
Leadership: 60/100


You are an SECL--Sober Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a politician. You cut deals, you change minds, you make things happen. You would prefer to be liked than respected, but generally people react to you with both. You are very sensitive to criticism, since your entire business is making people happy.

At times your commitment to the happiness of other people can cut into the happiness of you and your loved ones. This is very demanding on those close to you, who may feel neglected. Slowly, you will learn to set your own agenda--including time to yourself.

You are gregarious, friendly, charming and charismatic. You like animals, sports, and beautiful cars. You wear understated gold jewelry and have secret bad habits, like chewing your fingers and fidgeting.

You are very difficult to dislike.
_______________________________________________________________

what do you think? is it right?

thanks, effervesse for the link....

this just in:

i was reading sarah b just now, and discovered she has a guest blogger. this guest blogger is my new crush (sorry joaquin. ok i still love you. i'm just really turned on by this man. you should take me now)

he has three rants at the end of his post, and i shall (having appropriately referenced the source)quote rant #2:

"Anyone who uses the phrase "beauty is a construct." Oh, I see, so when I'm walking down the street and I'm literally stunned by the sight of the unbelievably gorgeous woman passing by, it's actually the patriarchy talking. You're an idiot. I can't believe you actually respected the equally stupid graduate assistant who taught your Women in Feminist Theatre class sophomore year. Were you one of those people that actually turned gay for awhile so it would give you more credibility in class arguments? That phrase doesn't even make sense. Is gravity a construct, you fucking retard?"

hee hee (again, if i were the kind of person who giggled, i'd be doing that sort of thing now).

*ahem*

for the record, it is a short two, count'em two, weeks away from my birthday. i will be **(this sampling of sundae silliness will be censored for your safety)** years old. please forward gifts and monetary tokens of adoration to me, care of, well, me. thanks.

also, those who live in the greater lotusland area should contact mike b if they are interested in any festivities. i disavow all knowledge, in advance, of what he's up to, but rumour has it he's up to something. (at this point i would be giggling, if i did such a thing).

all of a sudden i'm 20 again

ministry with my life with the thrill kill cult are playing the commodore at the end of september. how cool is that? who wants to go with me? i'm having a 'thinking of the one who got away' moment - this was the kind of stuff we used to do together. yes i know - raspberry romance. one of those soft and squishy couple things for sure.

i have just now noticed that quentin tarantino is in 'desperado'. i guess all this time i have been distracted by antonio banderas. that, or i have selective memory.

i stole this fun new toy from ms. swizz. i like the goth one - i'm not feeling particularly black, but i do enjoy the hairdo.

ok, this was a dull post. i'm off to bed with antonio. g'nite kids...

grrr

i may add joaquin phoenix to my list

warning - bit of a pity party about to occur

so i went to see a counsellor today. if you know me at all well, you know how absolutely out of character this is. i don't talk to people about my problems, or my feelings. i keep 'em inside.. i try and hide my discomfort by laughing - make jokes at my own expense about my feelings, downplay them. buuuttt.. i'm at a point where i'm going through so much that i just can't quite cope on my own anymore. the combination of money, and work, and mr married, and homelife - it's just too much (ok anonymous - i know i know, it serves me right with the mr. married thing. simmer down).

i don't know how helpful this will be. he asked me what i wanted from it, or how i defined how i thought i should feel. i don't actually know the answer to this. i think that i just want some tools to cope, you know? i have come a long way since the end of the "relationship" with psychojeremy, but i know that i have some lingering problems. i still have his voice in my head telling me i'm not good enough, that no one will ever want me. one thing he said to me will reverberate in my brain forever: "every day i meet women who are better looking than you, smarter than you, more successful than you, and all of them want the fairy tale. you just have to realize that you aren't ever going to get it - that's not what you are. you are just a fuck. accept it." he's so charismatic - so convincing. and he was such a powerful force in my life - my esteem, my character, my personality were defined by him for 3.5 years. i only existed in his eyes - i only had as much value as he allowed me to have. it's a rough thing to break away from.

the fellow i went to see today told me i should be very proud for getting out. victims of emotional abuse escape their situations less often than victims of physical abuse (he said), because physical abuse can be identified by outsiders. with emotional abuse the wounds are all on the inside, so it's not as easy for friends and loved ones to step in and help. and i am proud of myself - i'm very proud for staying away, cause for so long i thought i'd be caught in his cycle forever. but part of me can't help but wonder if maybe he was right. he's in a relationship with an attractive, successful woman - she's probably looking for the fairy tale. i'm still by myself, technically - the ugly stepsister.

ok i think i'm done writing about this for the evening anyway. thanks for bearing with me. i'll try and be funnier tomorrow....

questions from ljd

1) If you could only have one of your five senses (taste, sight, hearing, smell, touch) which would it be and why?

i think taste. i'm really food-o-centric. my world revolves around it. it is my joy and the bane of my existence. i don't think i could live without it.

2) Coffee or tea?

ooo tough one. i love love love to love coffee, but i'm an upstanding daughter of the british empire - i fed my kiddo tea in his bottle to help with tummy upsets... so torn... i think coffee would have to be the winner

3) If you and (fill in the BLANK) washed up on a deserted island together, with no immediate way off, who would that be and why?

the kiddo. he's the light of my life, even if he is doing his best to break my heart right now. he is seriously good conversation, and cracks me up regularly. i'd definately pick him

4) Which TV/cartoon family best describes yours?

calvin and hobbes, probably. though with a single mom, not a nuclear family. but i get to be the mom and the dad rolled into one (cooking unidentifiable healthy vegetable substances and telling fantastical falsified stories of how babies are made and what happens to the kids who get sucked down the bathtub drain)

5) Instigator or conflict resolutionist?

conflict revolutionary

firemind

1. Thinking about your name I have to wonder...have you ever worn raspberries? Under what circumstances would you?

yes, in that i'm a bit of a spillypants. i tend to wear anything i eat at least once.

2. Is chocolate a necessity?

of course. next question?

3. You wrote: "this very blog entry has been driven by anonymous commenting...". How much of your writing is influenced by comments and questions? / 4. Do you consider your journal to be a weblog or diary? Are links necessary or just aids to expressing ideas?

hmm interesting questions. i think i shall answer both at once. the previous post sort of expresses some of my ideas regarding the interaction between text and context. i think that i can't help but be influenced by comments - just as i can't help but be influenced by the images and ideas which stream past me in the "real" world every day. i fully believe that, in such an interactive medium, the writer and the reader exist symbiotically. i censor myself (to a certain extent) because i know or am afraid that people read it. but, at the same time, when i have stuff that i want to hear other opinions on, i post away. sometimes i write just 'cause it's in my head and i want to get it down somewhere. so i guess it's a diary and a web log, depending on the mood i am in at the time.

5. If you could live in any foreign city where would you live?

malaga, or barcelona. maybe dublin but it rains lots.

oops i forgot

it has occurred to me that i only answered part of ms opinionated's question. what she asked was: who would i be and *why*?

i picked zelda fitzgerald, after meeting scott but before going crackers. why zelda, you ask?

i'm really attracted to the characters who make up 'scenes' or 'movements'. i like social history - i love reading about the jazz age; the fin de siecle; greenwich village in the 20s. i love reading about the lives of the beats - the way that they incorporate their lives into their writing and their writing into their lives is so, so, wonderfully magical to me. i can't even describe it. i almost like the tales of the city, if you will, more than i enjoy the fiction or poetry generated at the time. they go hand in hand for me, for sure.

(as an aside, one of my favourites is memoirs of montparnasse by john glassco. it's actually fiction - he passed it off as a biography, but it later came out that he'd made most of it up. one of the greatest hoaxes in canadian literary history. also, it really neatly illuminates my theory surrounding the blending of fact and fiction. but i digress)

scott and zelda were the wild couple.. they were fun and talented. but they drank too much. and zelda went a little nutty. but until then she epitomized all that was cool about the jazz age... i think anyhoo.

mike b!

1. if you could be any colour what would it be.

pink

2. why?

isn't it obvious? seriously - it's fun.. it's light and girly and pretty and no one takes it seriously...

3. what is the food you're allegic too but miss the most?

eggs. hands down

4. who was your first crush ever?

this blonde kid named carter in my grade one class. i had another one that lasted from grade 4-fourth year university, but i'll tell you his name in person

5. ever had internet sex?

yes

et maktaaq et ma belle citron aussi!

maktaaq:

1. How was labour?

disturbingly easy. i was watching a chinese cooking show. it ended at 8pm. i stood up to feed the cat, and my water broke. the kiddo was borne 65 minutes later. i'm fairly sure the cat did not get fed.

2. What was the scariest moment of your life?

leaving my child in the psych ward of the hospital...hearing the door click locked behind me,knowing that he was on one side of it and i was on the other and nothing i could do would change that at that moment in time

3. If, by some weird quirk of physics, you suddenly found yourself in Stalinist Russia, what would you do?

learn how to brew vodka in my bathtub, and write literature of dissent

4. If you knew you would be reborn in the past and you were given a choice, would you choose to be reborn as a future witch torturer or as the future tortured witch?

tortured witch. and man oh man would the irish curses be flying!

5. If you were forced to eat only one thing for the rest of your life and nothing else, what would you eat?

miso soup with those little bits of green onion, seaweed and tofu in it. that's gotta cover most food groups / nutrients, doesn't it?

lemon
1. whats the biggest suprise you found in your first year of parenting?

that it doesn't come naturally. i sort of figured that there was stuff you just *knew* once you had a kid - some kind of universal knowledge or something. there isn't, sadly

2. whats your favorite spice? / flavour?

spice - cinnamon / flavour - dark chocolate

3. what $5.00 you spent had the biggest impact on your life

i found "meat is murder" by the smiths in a $5 bin at a record store when i was 14yrs old.. i'm pretty sure it changed me forever

4. what is your favourite part of your personality at this point in your life?

the way i seem to keep bouncing back from the weird stuff going on in my life right now, and get up smiling most mornings

5. what question were you really hoping someone would ask you about? or what question would help me know you better that i havent thought of?

oooo i don't know. i didn't have any preconceived notions - i just wanted to see what people were interested in, you know?

*phew!*

ok so i was a little worried that no one would want to play with me.... fortunately ms. opinionated invited me to the sand box!


1. What is the craziest thing you've done in the name of love or lust?

hmm crazy bad or crazy good? crazy bad, i guess, would be giving up my best friend cause psychojeremy couldn't handle the relationship. crazy good? i took psychojeremy on a 'holiday' in town - set up a little treasure hunt for him, gave him a beautiful evening in a hotel.. spent a small fortune (like $1000) on the evening...

2. What's in/on your nightstand table right now?

my nightstand is a long sofa table that is at the head of my bed. on it is a stack of books in various stages of completion, an alarm clock, my cellphone charger, my glasses, and a big bouquet of flowers (which i purchased for myself, by the way..)

3. If you could live one day in someone else's shoes (famous or not, dead or alive), who would it be and why?

zelda fitzgerald after she met scott but before she went crackers

4. What is the last unnecessary thing you've purchased for yourself (like a fun, splurge item)?

the blue pottery mug to add to my collection

5. What is the quickest that you've ever fallen "in love"?

i think that the shortest period of time at which point i actually thought to myself "i *love* this person" is probably a month or so. but i've thought "uh oh.. this could definately be starting something" after a couple of weeks...

Weee! that was fun!

yes i would jump if my friends were

ok so i want to play!

ask me five questions and leave your website/email addres. i'll answer them, then ask you five of your own... how fun is this?

dragonflyism

so the other day, maktaaq, mike b and i went to this outdoor art festival thingy out in white rock... i was sorry that i hadn't invited my mama - while i enjoy pottery and handcrafted jewelry as much as the next urban sundae girl, those sorts of things are just her cup of tea.

so i scooped, for myself, a really pretty matte blue pottery mug from one of the artisans, but my attention had been caught very early on by the work of cory judge at epiphany designs. in particular, i loved loved loved her stained glass dragonflies and a dragonfly pendant that i had spotted.  i was being frugal (i'm looking at impending moving costs) but the lovely mike b purchased it for me anyhoo.

provided for the interested shopper was a flyer with some need facts about the symbiology of dragonflies. i have always been attracted to them - one of the first things i ever thought i'd get tattooed to my body (and the one that i am building towards) is a dragonfly. this passage, in particular, caught my eye, so i'm going to plagarize shamelessly:

Dragonflies symbolize illusion. Their radiant iridescence exemplifies the complexity of light and colour inspiring and reminding us that we also are conduits of light, with the ability to shape our own spectrum. We can use this knowledge to pierce the illusions we create for ourselves that may limit our physical or mental existence. Dragonflies are also symbolic of the essence of change which brings wisdom and enlightenment. This transformation encompasses the dragonfly's metamorphosis from larvae to dragonfly, and our passionate journey to maturity and mental clarity. With this change comes growth. Dragonfly magic thus empowers us with a strong sense of self, having challenged our inner limitations thus achieving balance. Ultimately the dragonfly is a reminder that we each have the ability to gracefully dart, glide and shimmer through our changes with the inherent wisdom that we have the power to become our dreams.

so i just wanted to send a little dragonfly magic to all the friends and family and random strangers who cross into my little world for a short time. k that's enough with the mushy stuff. go break something.

weeeee!

he phoned me he phoned me he phoned me
 
to tell me he missed me.. and was thinking about me...
 
now i can't stop smiling (how's that for excited, newly?)

do me a favour?

well, two, actually. asked a friend...
 
okey dokey, i replied.
 

1. Never blame yourself for the actions of others.
 
2. Get a bit excited. Just a bit.
 
 

sad sundae

i told mr. married that, starting this morning, he had to go away for a bit and come back to me with a decision - that this confusion was not for me. it's not fair - not to him or to me or to anyone else involved in the situation. i'm operating under the theory that he's going to think about it and decide to make things work with his wife "for the children". he's got a very strong sense of what a "good man" should do - and it's all wrapped up in being there for his kids. he's trying to decide if he's willing to settle for unhappiness with his partner in order to be a full time dad.
 
i have some strong thoughts on this, which have been corroborated by people i know who's parents did this, but my opinion doesn't matter at this juncture. i think that's the hardest part for me to face right now - i have no say in this. it seriously impacts my life, but the decision is not mine to make.  so i feel a lot helpless, and a little out of control, and quite a bit sad.
 
i know some anonymous poster or another is going to be tempted to hit me with a "you deserve to feel crappy" kind of comment - please don't bother. i've explored all these avenues of thought all on my own. i've beaten myself up over this situation left right and center. trust me - there is nothing you can say to me or about me that hasn't already been thought by me, and even expressed by me about myself. been there, done that, in other words. save your breath.
 
so i've got some days to sit and think about this, and to worry, and to be excited, cause even though i'm operating under the assumption that he's going to make the quote-unquote "right" decision, i still kind of hope he will pick me...

oopys daisy

i actually wanted to mark the day when i ended up over 5000 hits, but completely missed it. my bad.
 
so there is a great deal of stuff to talk about - if you haven't flipped through the comments of the last few, do so. if you haven't read mike b's discussion of the emails he sent the other day, and the crazy place he's been in, do so... but i think i have to go away and actually write it on paper before i post it, just so i know that i can get all the thoughts out of my head and down without inadvertantly hurting feelings or saying things that come from a place of emotion rather than well thought out reason.

stuff i've been thinking about

so mr. married is freaking out 'cause i stayed out all night on saturday. he, of course, spent the night at home with his wife. i've been wracking my brain trying to ascertain the source of his consternation - he knew i liked to go out and play when he met me. indeed, one of the sources of his attraction to me is the fact that i am sort of wild and free - i do things like stay out all night and meet new people and make friends at the drop of a hat.

at first i thought it was a control thing - that is, he wants me for himself, even though he doesn't really *have* me and he is, of course, married to the kind of woman who does stay home every night.

he targets some of his issues with the... um, er, party favours that i indulged in - which i do every once in a while. not the best thing for me, but i'm a resonsible adult and i make educated decisions and am very safe when i do so. he doesn't approve of anything developed in a laboratory, and i respect that. however, this is *also* something he's known about me since we started being friends, so i don't think that theory holds much water.

my take on the situation is this: i represent something akin to freedom. he is attracted to that freedom, but at the same time repelled by it. he wants to be rid of the mundane reality of his quotidian, but simultaneously revels in the vast amounts of security contained within it. ergo, when i do things that symbolize the fact that i am, for the most part, entirely liberated, it scares the crap out of him but fascinates him. kind of like a car wreck at the side of the road, i guess....

relationship advice from my sister:

"stay away from hungarian men. they are crazy-weird".

quizday night in canada

thank god for this woman for helping me see the light.

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Shy When a guy gets to know you, he finds a great catch Problem is... you're too shy for most guys to get to know. From meeting someone to dating, you usually have your guard up. And while you're just holding back, it makes you seem like you've got something to hide. Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend Take This Quiz :-)

can you see up my loincloth while i'm swinging between trees?

Tarzan!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

todae's horoscope:

"The people right in front of your face fail to hold your interest, but you fall in love with a dozen new celebrities every time you open a magazine. Why is it that you only want what you can't have?"

funny, huh?

the lovely ms u

i'd like to point out that it is 6.20 on a sunday evening and i haven't gone to bed yet from the day before. *and* i'm still sort of functioning normally. i can't promise that any decisions made will be that great - i'm probably not prepared to make the best choices, at this point in time, but i'm still awake and on speaking terms with the people around me. and that's the important thing. not bad for an old grrl like me.

"why ms. raspby!" you may be saying to yourselves. "do tell!" hmm let's see, shall we?

last evening the divine ms u and i went out to see mark farina and kaskade at the commodore. what fun. the music was amazing, the venue superb, and the crowd was a wonderful mix of laid back and freaky - exactly what you could hope for. we danced our respective booties off, and met up with some fun folks. at the end of the night, we headed off to an afterparty, which i finally scraped myself out of at close to 6.30 this morning. i came home and couldn't fall asleep for the life of me, then had to head out to go shopping for that damn baby shower. i'm heading off to a *baby* shower, thinking to myself "self, can you believe it? six hours ago, we were doing something that is so completely opposite from this wholesome family values type activity that our poor brain is having trouble processing the info."

more, i think, on all this later. there's some stuff that i need to process before i committ it to paper...

as a side note: i ate turkey for dinner tonight. it was delicious. now we shall just see how it stays down...

take that

at the thrift store this afternoon i picked up (for $1.50, i might add) a hard-cover copy of "jane brody's good food book". why did i do this? well, i do love a good cookbook. however, and more importantly, the subtitle is living the high-carbohydrate way

fuck you dr. atkins.

rainy saturdae part deux

today, i would like to go walking in the trees, preferably on the north shore. i need a boy to accompany me, and a rain coat, and a ball cap. also a warm sweater of some sort, and a cozy destination for soup/tea afterwards. i realize that this is not the best plan for getting over my awful summer cold (Body Snot Index is still high, hack factor off the map) but it's what i want to do today, thank you very much.

tomorrow i have to go to a baby shower. i have never been to a stag/stagette, a wedding shower, or a baby shower. even my own, by the way. so i'm breaking my perfect record. and this is for a colleague, not even someone i'm very close to. and why, you may ask? well because i was swept along in the tide. at my work, i am sort of the party organizer, the cake buyer, the candy bowl filler. i'm the chick who walks around in bunny ears at easter, who gives out candy hearts at valentine's, and who always, always dresses up if there is an opportunity. so it was mostly just *assumed* that i would be going, and so i became (with my cohort, my partner in crime) the girl getting the gift. no getting out of it now. damn.

in another window, i am having an interesting conversation with the divine stacylicious. see, i realized the other night (as i sat on the side of the road by the ferry terminal at about 3am) that i am now so used to not getting the things i want out of life that i have just stopped wanting anything. i am caught up in my own pattern. it's like a maze that just keeps coming back to the same center place. i keep thinking i'm trying a different path and end up at the same bench in the middle of the hedges. sl things i should just break through the walls, and make my own path. but my particular hedge is made up of blackberry bushes - entirely prickly, and every once in a while they bear something sweet - not very conducive to leaving them, you know? i talk lots about breaking free, but i'm still really afraid to leave my comfort zone. it's taken me a long time to rebuild my *own* place of security - it used to be so tied up in psychojeremy - that now i am really reluctant to leave it, you know?

i don't know. i have no answers - for myself or for anyone else. i am just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to get through my day. but i think that's half the problem, you know?

todae's quiz

from possession

"Much later, he came out of a half-sleep, imagined he heard the sea, which was just possible from there, and then was aware that she was weeping silently beside him. He put out an arm, and she pushed her face into his neck, a little awkwardly, not clinging, but pushing blindly to lose herself.
'What is it? My dear?'
'Ah, how can we bear it?'
'Bear what?'
'This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?'
'We can be quiet together, and pretend - since it is only the beginning - that we have all the time in the world.'
'And every day we shall have less. And then none.'
'Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?'
'No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere.'
'Poetic, but not comfortable doctrine.'
'You know, as I know, that good poetry is not comfortable, however. Let me hold you, this is our night, and only the first and therefore the nearest infinite.'

He felt her face, hard and wet on his shoulder, and imagined the living skull, living bone, fed with threads and fine tubes of blue blood and inaccessible thoughts, running in her hidden cavities.

'You are safe with me.'
' I am not at all safe, with you. But I have no desire to be elsewhere.'

is it hot in here?

Man oh man, is Britney Spears a hot mama.

i mean, how can the average man stand it?

thanks, stereogum

an open letter to the demon which possessed my alarm clock last night:

dear sir/madame;

while your attempts to scare the living daylights out of me did not go unrewarded, i must admit i found your efforts a touch juvenile and a little uncreative. the rapid passage of time (first in the 'zero' hour, then through all 24) did, briefly, cause me to ponder the brevity of my existence upon this mortal coil. as i watched time fly past, i did stop to think about whether or not i am living my life to it's fullest, or if i am merely "passing time", as it were.

however, this was just a momentary lapse: after a few heart-in-the-throat moments, i simply unplugged the clock, chucked it in the trash, and headed to london drugs to buy a new one. better luck next time.

yours in perpetuity,
raspberry sundae.

i don't wanna grow up, i'm a toys r us kid...

so tomorrow i head back to work. i must admit that the prospects fill me with dread. "don't worry," a friend said to me this evening. "after ten minutes, it'll be like you had never left." this would be what i am afraid of.

i had an amazing weekend. lemon came for a visit, and to celebrate mike b's 31st birthday. we had a bbq last night, and drank copious amounts of vodka. i must admit that, at first, i was very reluctant to go. i'm fighting a killer sinus cold, and was just exhausted after battling us fourth of july traffic on my way to seattle and back for the second time in a week. however, mr. married assigned lemon the dubious duty of making sure that i had a good time, and she took her responsiblities to heart. a grandly successful venture, my sweet. today, though, was better than last night - we all headed off to provence for chocolate croissants (ok that was just me. they actually ate healthy food. though mike had steak, which befuddles me). then we toddled off to granville island to spend the afternoon poking around.

part of the melancholy i have been feeling stems from the fact that most of the people i know are in these totally solid partnerships. i went for dinner with ms stacylicious and her lovely fiancee on friday to celebrate their engagement; my sister and i drove to seattle to pick up her long-term boyfriend; i spend a wonderful evening and a day with a friend and her partner... i was noticing these feelings again today as i wandered around granville island. so much of the way that i express love is with food. surrounded by all those beautiful ingredients, all i could think about was selecting delicacies and taking them home to prepare, while sitting and talking with someone and drinking a glass of wine in a sunny kitchen. i have this great mental picture, but just don't have the ability to bring it about, you know?

how could i ever have believed that i hate mondays?

i'm sitting here in a tank top and boxers, with a belly full of cereal and fresh berries, drinking coffee. i've read "my" blogs, scanned the headlines in the newspaper to see if there was any dramatic changes that would change my decision of for whom to vote and am now sitting at my desk gazing out at a sunny morning. aside from the strongish suspicion that i may have to very soon lose my breakfast, all is right with the world.

a couple of posts ago, a thoughtful reader posted this comment:

"Ms. Sundae, don't know if it's quite what you'd be looking for, but I thought of you when I read it, so thought I'd better pass it along -- check out page 57 of this week's Georgia Straight..."

so pg. 57 of this week's straight has a few things i'm interested in: an article on new orleans, several cheap travel offers, an opportunity to fine tune my oracle skills (the database, unfortunately, not the fortune telling) and a chance to win a $1000 scholarship to a culinary arts school down on main. there's an open house on the 7th - i think i may go...

i heart summer

so here i am, day three into my vacation, and loving every second of it. mike b and i drove to seattle to pick my sister up yesterday (my sister jet-sets for a living. she stays home for her vacations) and i not only managed to successfully navigate seattle effortlessly (mike b is a superlative co-pilot), but on the way home also managed to choose a border guard who was so laid back that he didn't even look at our id. and her having been out of the country for six months. i was quite tickled by my luck.

friday i joined maktaaq for some international cuisine at one of my fave spots down on main street. (by the by, lime, i took her to the same place that you and i went - was just as good, but i was sorely tempted to try "the best cocktail in the world". good for me, though, i refrained). we had some good girl gossip (the three g's - so much more important than the three r's), and spoke of crushes on unavailable people, hiking and other fun topics...

speaking of g.g.g., i'm really happy to have my sister home again. we've always been really close, so these last years of her living elsewhere have been tough. what i was noticing today, and is really quite funny, is that we pack totaly 'typical' sister stuff into the first couple of days she's home - meaning, she goes through her stuff and hands over the stuff that i would have stolen if we'd been living in the same place, and i do the same. so i've come out of it with some new shoes, and some new clothes, and vice versa. i also presented her with the pink hello kitty flip flops that i picked up for her last week, much to her delight.

i'm still having some trouble with the food thing - had a nasty (though in retrospect quite comical) experience yesterday in the pike place market. i found myself urgently needing to throw up my lunch, so booked it to the nearest public washroom. i've never tossed in a public place without being drunk, which offers you some, um, more liberal standards in your choice of commode. by which i mean that you are a little less cautious about allowing any part of your body to come in contact with any fixture in the commode. yesterday, however, i was hovering over the toilet desperately trying to balance without touching anything, and simultaneously keep all of my lunch within the bowl. the stalls in the pike place market have those little half doors - i imagine that any number of people looked over the door and saw me there, precariously poised over the toilet in a most compromising position. at the time, quite traumatizing. as i think back on it, rather comical... so if you were there around 1pm yesterday, giggling at the spectacle, hi, that was me :)

i don't wanna holiday in the sun...

I wanna go to the new Belsen
I wanna see some history
'cause now t got a reasonable economy


Oh now I got a reason...
and l'm still waiting
Now I got a reason
to be waiting
the Berlin wall

In sensurround sound in a two inch wall
well I was waiting for the communist call
I didn't ask for sunshine
and I got world war three
I'm looking over the wall
and they're looking at me

Oh now l got a reason...
and I'm still waiting
Now I got a reason
to be waiting
the Berlin wall

They're staring all night
and they're staring all day.
l had no reason to be here at all.
But now I got a reason it's no real reason
And I'm waiting at Berlin wall
I gotta go over the Berlin wall.
I don't understand it... (etc.)

claustrophobia there's too much paranoia
there's too many closets
I went in before
And now I got a reason
it's no real reason to be waiting
the Berlin wall

I gotta go over the wall,
I don't understand this bit at all... (etc.)

Please don't be waiting for me.

how cool are the sex pistols? i mean, in the grand scheme of things... i'm really superstitious about road trips - i have to start them off with a new cd. so last summer, for one of the kiddo's track meets, we were heading off to the interior and i picked up a cd copy of "never mind the bollocks..". i had owned it on tape, but never on disc, and he'd never really heard much (well aside from a mixed cd where i put the transplants' diamonds and guns back to back with 'holidays in the sun' cause the openings are the same). we rocked out to the sex pistols as we drove down the #1. it's really funny that he listens to lots of the same music that i listened to when i was his age... come to think of it, the next road trip after that was the time i introduced him to ministry, to which he was an instant convert. a couple of months later he was listening to them in his room, and a few of his friends were over. i was in the bathroom next door, and i heard one of his friends ask "doesn't this music bother your mom?" to which he replied "bother her? she introduced me to it!" funny, huh?

so here i am on my vacation, drinking my first coffee in a week and a half (i am typing at 2x normal speed, at least) wearing my jammies and pondering what to do with my week, or at least my day. i'm still doing this allergy diet, so my 'out for lunch with myself' choices are limited, but i think some serious thrift store shopping is in order. i asked calvy if he wanted to join me, but he didn't seem too interested. sooo off i go by myself. really, i am ok with that. plus, the caffeine in my sistem is making me VIBRATE... so i don't know how much company i would be.

maktaaq has invited me to go see british comedy at a japanese restaurant this evening. i must admit, i am fascinated by that concept. i love contrasts, and there seems to be few things as dissimliar as british and japanese culture. so i believe i shall break out of my hermit-like existance and join her.

ah well, i'm off for a shower. don't want to waste any of my vacation days, you know....

i bloody well HATE canned peaches

ok so i'm heading into day four of the crazy elimination diet that my allergist gave me when i had all of my weird food intolerances diagnosed. basically i am existing on a diet of tuna, rice, spinach, yams, canned peaches, sparkling water and applesauce - with the odd french fry thrown in for good luck. i have lost four pounds since monday. i'm over the caffeine withdrawl, but the lack of food thing is killing me. i'm hungry constantly. i really can't eat enough of this food, and this morning i found myself nearly gagging while trying to swallow the canned peaches i was having for breakfast. i was doing that thing where you take food into your mouth, chew on it, and take another bite. eventually you realize you havent' been swallowing, just storing it in a cheek. the timeless dilemma which arises? spit or swallow....

that's awfully whiny... sorry bout that.

fun things have happened, though, too. got my haircut today, and had a WHOlE bunch more blonde put in 'cause it's summer. and i have bought two new pairs of shoes in the last couple of days - a super fun pair of pink quilted satin flip flops and a pair of black slides with pink heart cut outs and kitten heels... very saucy if i do say so...

this all seems rather superficial, but i have been hesitant to write stuff too personal to me lately, cause of the whole nasty anonymous commenter (not you kindly anon. thanks for the tip). but now this is cemented by the fact that moxeedelic has taken her blog down due to a comment she had - apparently, someone from her work discovered it and now everyone has been reading... so she removed it. it's an interesting conundrum. you publish things to the internet with the expectation that people are going to read them, but at the same time, not using your own name sort of should provide you with some armour against people whom you *don't* want to know who you are, you know? there is enough stuff within my journal that, if you knew me, you could fully put two and two together. but, at the same time, i've become quite guarded in what i publish, so that doesn't really matter much anymore.

what, then, is the point? i have found myself less willing to write since i started censoring myself. mind you, this hesitance has also coincided with some poor health and some weird personal issues.. so maybe i'll snap out of it.

to blog, or not to blog

that is the question. i'm still all swirly in my head and in my belly. indeed, the belly swirly has gotten severe enough that i can only eat toast, fruit, rice, tuna, and (for some reason) chocolate without tossing my lunch. quite literally - i've shocked and dismayed several of my coworkers in the last little bit by doing a mad dash from the table after finishing my meal.

mr married has been feeding me bits and pieces of fruit and hovering about worriedly. i actually fessed up to him about why the food / allergy / pukey thing is kind of serious with me... how it becomes totally connected to my food rules and compounds the anxiety creating a vicious cycle in with the anxiety causes the puking and the puking is the reason behind the anxiety until, after a while, i'm kind of afraid to eat anything at all. and, since that's getting to be the point i am at now.. i have decided to start my allergy diet tomorrow - welcome to a world of a coffee and chocolate and all fun things food related deprived raspberry sundae. i feel for my coworkers come 9am tomorrow morning.

so i went out and stocked up on canned peaches, unsweetened apple sauce, white rice, spinach, cranberry sauce (that's a bit of a cheat, but my god how dull can life get) and sparkling water. i am also allowed cranberry juice, but after the last elimination diet, and the copious amounts of cranberry juice consumed, i make a sour sort of face just *thinking* about the stuff. so just sparkling water for a week. i'm trying to remember what the heck else i ate while i was on this thing. maybe i'll call my allergist and get them to fax me over a copy tomorrow. wouldn't want to miss out on an all-important type of edible. trust me, variety is everything.

anyhoo, if you happen to run into me in the next couple of days and i am lethargic/grumpy/sleepy or all of the above, please do forgive me. it's the diet and i don't mean it at all....

rs

R	Rounded
A	Appealing
S	Slippery
P	Popular
B	Bold
E	Explosive
R	Relaxing
R	Rare
Y	Young
S	Sexy
U	Unreal
N	Noisy
D	Dirty
A	Appealing
E	Excellent

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

open apology

this is an open apology to those people in my life who i tend to shut out when i'm going through a bad patch. you know who you are...

just cause i am hiding or pretending like stuff's ok doesn't mean i don't love you or want you in my life. it just means that i am going through shit and i don't know how to cope with it any other way except ignore it and everyone and hope that it goes away. i refuse to talk about it, and the only way around it is to get in my face and find me at my most vulnerable and that is not easy. you could ask stacylicious how long it takes to get me to unturtle and to stop running, but she's not here right now, she's far away. and no,i'm not going to call her.

yes i am hiding. yes my life sucks right now. no i won't open up. no i can't talk about it. yes trying to make me might make me run away farther and faster. HOWEVER i do love to know that you are there, and i do KNOW you are there. and that means everything in the world to me, believe it or not.

so, thank you, and i am sorry for not being here, and not being the best friend i can be right now. it won't last, and raspberry sundae will be back up to her usual antics. that is a promise.

where does the time go?

ah raspberry, where have you been? and yes, by the way, my name *is* raspberry. it may not be the name my parents gave me, but that doesn't make it any less my name.

work, ladies and gentlemen, sucks. sucks ass. sucks royally. sucks the big one. any other variation on this theme are welcome at this juncture. i have adopted a 'put my head down, do my job, don't talk to anyone' approach to the day to day. not the best way to deal with life, but it seemed successful today. that is, until my two favourite ops gentlemen took me out for sushi in sympathy. then i perked up, but immediately returned to my spreadsheet slave state upon re-entering the building. it's hard, though, cause it's not me. i'm social - i fill the candy bowl - i'm friendly - i get people to do things for me cause i go speak with them and ask them face to face to do them... fuck.

last nite i actually investigated some entry level cooking school type situations. if i could save $3500 for tuition, i could become a basic patisserie chef. that, i believe, i would enjoy. then, of course, i'd have to move on to a higher end type school situation. or would i? hmm this deserves more pondering.

thank god *somebody* cleared that up!

You're a Spirograph!! You're pretty tripped out,
even though you've been known to be a bit
boring at times. You manage to serve your
purpose in life while expending hardly any
effort (and are probably stoned to the gills
all the while).


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?

live from victoria, it's saturday night

well, actually, saturday morning. but what the heck.

here i am in the lovely home of mox & mutt... this time, i'm happy to say, i'm not projectile vomitting. needless to say, i avoided having curried tofu for dinner.

i had a really nice time with my sister and brother yesterday evening.. my sis showed us around her boat (in my head her voice is saying "IT'S A SHIP". i know it's a ship, i just like calling it a boat), and we had some dinner and then i hooked up with moxeedelic for a few drinks. i wasn't in the mood to get crazy (saving that for tonite), so we went downtown just to have a drink or two and play it by ear...

we were standing in a line outside a club, and i'm in the middle of very animatedly describing the behemoth of a boat that my sister works on, when i get the sense that i'm being watched. i peek over my shoulder to either a)include whomever is staring in the conversation they are so interested in or b)poke someone's eye out when i realize that the person beside me is someone from WAY back in my past, whom i haven't seen in years. i was delighted, to say the least...

when i was younger (20-21), i had this fairly big, tight crew of friends who did tonnes of stuff together.. we all drifted apart, as will happen. this fellow was one of the best friends of 'the one that got away', whom i have referred to more than once in these pages. so, we were always pretty tight - i was one of the girls they looked after, totally respected etc. so, anyway, a few years after the lost one and i had split up, and he was off living elsewhere, this guy and i ran into each other again. we ended up having a brief summer fling, which ended sort of abruptly because, quite frankly, this guy was an ass. he basically flipped me over and started seeing someone else without even talking to me about it. i was pretty hurt by it, but i figured whatever, it was a summer fling, i got over it.

he's all married now, living here in town, pretty happy. as we were catching up, he was telling me about all the people we used to be connected to... i think that i am the last one who isn't married/solidly connected in a major long term relationship. i sort of jokingly expressed some dismay over this (i'm not that broken up over it, just bemused, really) and he said to me "i think guys are afraid of you". to which i laughed... he followed up with an explanation of how he knew when he was with me that he could have fallen really hard for me, and it was totally the wrong time, and so he was an asshole cause he had to get away. he said that i scare guys cause they know that with me they'd be lost... i'm not sure how much of this i buy... but it was nice to hear. also, i'm glad that he apologized to me.. the fact that, 5-6 years later, it is something he still thinks about, means that he's not really the cad he appeared to be at that time.

boys sure are weird.

ah well, i'm off to get ready and spend some serious girl time with ms. moxee. have a lovely saturday, all....

mmmcakemmmm

i made someone's day today... a woman i work with is *extremely* lactose intolerant, and never gets to eat cake, cause there is always dairy... so, me being me, volunteered to bring the birthday cake for our 'kid's birthday party theme' monthly potluck. i brought two - a chocolate with chocolate creamcheese icing and strawberries for the 'real' folks, and a vegan chocolate cake topped with a non-dairy strawberry creamcheese icing for her and i to try. it was actually super good, cause i used papaya puree for the liquid, so was really moist. she was delighted.. i gave her a couple of extra pieces to take home with her, and she was really happy cause she never gets to eat things like that; come to think of it, neither do i that often. was a good feeling...

on a less fun note... the kiddo left a middle-of-a-panic attack voicemail on my mobile this afternoon. he had gone to visit a friend in the hospital, and freaked out about being there. his message basically relayed how he didn't feel any better, how his meds weren't working, and that he was going to check himself in to the ward. so i got the message (was in meetings all day) and called him back - needless to say how upset i was... he had calmed down a bit by then, but i think he is seriously thinking about going back in. mr. married talked to me till i calmed down, then made me leave work (i am so unassertive when i am upset... i was prepared to go back to my meeting, convinced that there was no way i would be allowed to leave. completely ridiculous - my company is totally supportive of family needs). he "volunteered" to go tell my supervisor himself, if necessary, and gave me five minutes to leave the building.

mike b said some lovely things to me just now: "you are not a fuck up, Calvies gonna have hard things too, just like you and me, and its not gonna be your fault. I've seen you with him, you work hard, you set good boundaries, you listen and talk. Unfortunately some of this is gonna be beyond your control - and that does suck, but it doesn't mean you fucked up" He's a nice boy... i miss him a bunch.

which of the seven deadly sins are you?

You are Lust!
Sexy!! But they say that theres such a thing as too
much of a good thing. You have sex on the
brain, and it doesn't stay just there for long.
Passionate, Fiery - and most certainly
confident. You're a fun loving, spontaneous
person who is always up for a laugh. People
however, have trouble keeping up with you.
You're sex crazy, and perhaps need to tone it
down a bit! learn a little self control!
But, Hey, Congratulations on being the Sexiest Red
Hot deadly sin out of all the 7...


?? Which Of The Seven Deadly Sins Are You ??

mmm sundaes are for baking

i'm in a baking kind of mood, fo sho y'all. today i believe i shall create double chocolate cherry expresso muffins. i may also begin the cake baking spectacular - we are having our departmental potluck on wednesday, and the theme is "kid's birthday party" (don't go there, it wasn't my idea). i have volunteered to bring the cake. i am actually going to make two cakes: one vegan and one not. there is a girl in the department who is highly lactose intolerant, so i am going to make my little no eggs, no dairy chocolate cake, and experiment with a some dairy free cream cheese for the icing. i think, though, for the actual *birthday* cake, i'm going to do a multi layered chocolate and fruit sort of experience. i wish i had a webcam... i could do a little amateur gourmet sort of experience. acutally, now that i think about it, i may attempt some peanut butter cookies, as well. mmmm baking. why aren't i as big as a house? i have no idea, but two other people have asked that same question of me in the last month...

speaking of food, the next time you hear me say that having pizza for dinner would be a great idea, slap me, ok? you have my permission. for the second weekend in a row, i have attempted to have pizza (i really really really like pizza). for the second weekend in a row, i have puked my guts out almost immediately afterwards. so... since i know myself and i know that it will sound like a good idea (probably next weekend, even) just stop me before i place the order. please? for me? thanks.

mike b and i watched 'love, actually' last night. i really enjoyed it - laughed out loud on a couple of occasions. mike b was more restrained in his enjoyment, but i believe he liked it as well. um... i was going to say some stuff here about love etc, but really, i just want to go buy dried cherries so i can make muffins.

how hot is freddie ljungberg?

bronte parte deux (trois? neuf? cinqante?)

i've been struggling over what to write today, for some reason. i think that i'm feeling really disconnected from myself these past couple of weeks, and so there's all sorts of turgid thought and emotion roiling around in my head, but very little of it is making it to the surface. so, forgive me gentle readers.. i know not what i do.

i think that i need to go travel for a bit.. i need to fill my tank with gas and drive for about 3 hours, stop at a cool spot, get a room overlooking some water within walking distance of a good cafe that opens early, pull out my book and settle in for about a week. then, when i come out on the other side, i'll have a bit of clarity over who i am and where i want to be right now. that or i'll be so content that i'll just never leave - i'll get a job at the little cafe making muffins, soup and cinammon buns and be delighted my new small town life.

is it a bad thing that, really, all i want is a job where i bake and make soup for people in a small spot with tonnes of characters to talk to? where i can play cool music and have great magazines left about, where people come to hang out and have a good meal, where teenagers dressed in black come to scribble in their notebooks, drink espresso and chew on black painted fingernails?

mr. married looked at me over lunch in the cafeteria yesterday and said "you are so not right for this place... you are good at your job because, honestly, i think you would be good at anything you tried, but this isn't for you. you are going to quit, unless there is a major change in the structure of your department - it's just a matter of time." smart man, is mr. married. now i just have to find an alternative plan.

slow movement

this morning, while sitting on my deck in the sunshine, eating a home-baked chocolate croissant and sipping a large mug of cafe au lait, i perused a column in the vancouver sun about the slow living movement. this is a phenomenon that rose up out of the french-invented, italian driven food movement that focuses on in-season, locally available fresh ingredients and drinking lots of red wine (see, at this point moxee's today post for an interesting comment on the economics of food. actually, if you see the sidebar for the social issues research centre, there's a good article available for reading. but i digress). anyhoo. this whole thing made me stop and think about my lifestyle. i do work very hard during the week - i work long hours and my days are pretty packed with stress and activity. but my weekends are markedly different. the biggest decision i made this weekend was whether or not to buy bake-at-home chocolate croissants or purchase them prebaked for ease of consumption. i wandered in the sunshine, hit up my favourite vancouver grocery spots, drank iced tea and sunned myself in my bikini, spent time with my mom, and talked with friends. granted, my room is a mess, and i should have tidied. but really, on days this gorgeous, who cares?

part of this indulgence comes from, of course, the fact that my time is *really* my own. i have no partner nagging me to do chores or run errands. i can take as much time perusing baked goods at my favourite bakery as i want. my son spent most of the weekend with friends - we touched base yesterday to go to the beach to sit in the sun and eat greasy beach food stand burgers chat about life, and watch the bikini girls go by.

the downside to this is that i tend to go a little stir crazy when left to my own thoughts too much. i get lost inside my head and have trouble shaking the introspection. also, on saturday evening when the sun came out, all i really wanted to do was pack up the car and have an impromputu camping trip. this, however, is not much fun on your own.

i think that, as i get older, i'm going to become more and more comfortable living in my own skin, and being by myself. this is, in part, one of the reasons that i figure if i don't meet someone amazing in the next couple of years and "settle down" so to speak, it's never going to happen. which, given the past weekend, is a double edged sword. i've been kind of lonely, but at the same time, it's good for my soul.

pensive sundae

i was reading this and started to think about what certain songs remind me of... i just happened upon this post very shortly after someone told me that they would never be able to hear jane's addiction without thinking of me. it's super interesting to me how certain smells and sounds can tie you to a moment in time, or to a person, or to an emotion. for example, the gypsy kings will always make me a) hungry and b) think of a former boyfriend, who was the head chef in a tapas restaurant. when i hear them,i'm suddenly transported back to his restaurant, at the table in the back where i always sat, dipping crusty bread in roasted red pepper soup and drinking wine. loreena mckennitt and chet baker take me back to the bookstore i worked at; to summer saturday afternoons when the boss wasn't around and we were busy hanging with the customers planning our night out. there is a massive attack song that is forever owned by psychojeremy - but makes me think of him in a good way, believe it or not. the sound of rain on the roof of a car makes me think of camping: of lying in my sleeping bag listening to the drops of water hitting the thin ceiling above me, knowing that half of everything i own will be damp in the morning. woodsmoke is fall: warm sweaters and going back to school. roast beef and apple pie are sundays in my mom's kitchen.

are these normal things for most people? i guess the woodsmoke one for sure is... what else?

quiz du dae

I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.


how much of a militant feminist are you? my assessment:

"Not too bad, but you can do better. Keep working on it- maybe try kicking a few guys wherever you want to, then start lighting them on fire. Slow and steady wins the race, okay? You've got a long way to go, but I think you'll survive."

rainy saturdae

i was going to get up and go for a run in the rain... but after last night's dairy product debacle, i woke up with a seriously grumbly belly, and had my maple walnut bagel and very large cup of coffee half-consumed by the time i remembered my plan. ah well, maybe later. i don't think the rain is going to stop any time soon.

what shall i do today? mike b is still in whistler, so no brunch plans are panning out. maybe i could go down to main street and hit front & company.. i'm feeling a little out of sorts, though. part of it is my little internal dilemma that i still can't write about cause i'm still trying to sort out.. the other part of it is how much i miss mike b, and what that, ultimately, means.

mr married posed a situation to me the other day... a really interesting one that has been tossing around in my head with all the other stuff. what is going to happen to the friendship i have with mike when he gets into a serious relationship? i know that he's not ready for one yet, but last week's conversation hell was a sort of scary precursor - i know that our friendship is totally solid enough to deal with judge jody (sorry mike, i couldn't resist), but what happens if it comes to a point where mike has to choose between the woman he loves and me? how scary is that? i know we can all say that friends are important and that good relationships allow space for all kinds of friendships, but lets be serious for a minute - most of my guy friends' girlfriends dislike me. i'm cute, i'm a flirt, and i think like a guy. and what girl is going to want her man to have a *best* friend who is a girl? most women are territorial.

and, honestly, mike b is a catch. he's handsome, is super nice, has great values, a good job (are you listening, girls?). he's gonna meet someone amazing, fall in love, get married, and give his parents a few grandkids to lug around. where do i fit into that situation?

why the hell am i thinking about all of this today? i guess more and more i don't see myself fitting into that place with anyone, lately. and it's rainy, and i've been introspective, and i'm feeling a little lonely. ah fuck it. i'm going to shower and go shopping.

ouch

so my heart hurts a little, today... mike b left for whistler last nite and i miss him already. i know i know.. he'll be back on the weekends.. i know i know.. i rarely see him during the week anyway.. but that's not the *point* (she says whinging and stamping her foot, just a little). it's funny, the friendship that mike b and i have developed. we haven't known each other for that long, and we have some seriously fundamental differences in the way we view the world, but we have become pretty close in these past six or so months.

my finger also hurts - sure sign that i have not been cooking enough: i was cutting up papaya to take with my lunch and nearly sliced the tip of my left middle finger off. this would not be so bad if, not even a week ago, i hadn't done nearly the exact same thing to my left next-to-middle finger. that's seriously the first (and second) times i've cut myself with a cooking knife in YEARS. i am seriously out of practice.

speaking of cooking look here for some tempting and economical ways of feeding yourself and your loved ones. i am particularly entranced by the 'fluorescent foods' category. made myself a spam and cheese filled sandwich for lunch tomorrow...

moxeedelic came for a visit this weekend... we shared some fast paced girl moments as we ran through a mall in search of a pink camoflage bikini.. she laughed her ass off at me chatting up a taxi dispatcher, we had some drinks and did a little dancing. we also ended up in a fairly deep conversation that wasn't really as lighthearted as the evening sort of required... mike's friend jody had some pretty strong ideas about moxee's lifestyle choices and sort of let fly at both mox and me ('cause of some of the emotional issues i have been dealing with myself of late). neither the time nor the place, and i think everyone was a little uncomfortable with the turn of conversation. we went on to go dancing and the evening was definately fun, but there were some deep thoughts happening for most parties, i think. moxee and i talked about it for a bit the next morning - we continued our blonde giggly girl fest over a walk, a latte and brunch.. i think the thing that we were both concerned with and hurt by is that we were so harshly judged by someone who doesn't know us that well. the world isn't black and white and, while it is really easy to put things into categories of 'right' and 'wrong' or 'me' versus 'you', emotions almost always get in the way of such didactic categorizations.

ah well... i've thought about this way too much over the last couple of days.. chances are i'll think about it some more - this is where most of my thoughts have been for the past few weeks.

the other day

i was supposed to post my horoscope, but i forgot. however, i do think it's one of those good little life lessons that should be referred to on occasion, so i'm going to post wednesdae's 'scope today. ok?

"Have you been listening to pop songs for your descriptive oxymorons and rhyming words? All you can think about is elation and frustration, terrific and horrific, attraction and distraction. Opposites feel alarmingly interchangeable. Your plans require you to go north when actual events insist on heading south. Laughing at your misfortunes is okay for now, but if you keep that up for too long, you'll enter the same loop that traps you when you call yourself unlucky. Be open to the possibilities instead of instantly assuming that you know what it all means. Life is full of surprises."

actually, i get most of my life lessons and philosophies from lyrics... they're just thoughts an pieces of poetry set to song, right?

why haven't you been posting much, ms sundae? well cause there is stuff going on in my life that i'm reluctant to post. the horrible thing with the nasty anonymous commenter is that now i'm a little hesitant to write about some of the things that have been going on in my head. and i realize that with a public blog i have to sort of expect that people are reading and may have thoughts and opinions of their own... but i think that often people happen upon blogs and leave nasty comments purely with the intent of hurting people. to me they are the kids in the schoolyard who were always to cowardly to say what they think, do what they will and look how they want to look. they just hung at the back of the pack, acting the way they were expected to act, and basically did what they were told by the more dominant kids in the schoolyard. now they wander around the internet leaving drops of poison wherever they rest for a moment... trying to bring everyone down to their own insecure unhappy state...

hm i guess that was a bit of a rant, huh? i'm not sure where it came from... well, i think i do know, but that's something that i'm still rolling around my brain right now... i'll try and address it later on.

in case you were worried about who to vote for

in the upcoming american election...

this should answer all of your questions...

"what's for dinner mom?" "why, frankfurter spectacular!"

LOOK at this. no do it. seriously. i swear to god i had no ideas there were so many ways to serve mackeral. fluffy mackeral.. snappy mackeral... dieters in the '70s were SICK - SICK i say...

for research purposes only

people have recently stumbled across the sundae sanitarium by searching for:

• calgary flames fans on 17 ave nudity (voyeurs!)
  
• random blog (lazy!)
  
• "how do I know" that a coworker wants me to hit on them (cause they have sat in your lap and nibbled on your ear, all the while leaning over the budget reports in a seriously low cut blouse)
  
• calories Neo-citran (231)
  
• 'bob dylan's song hurricane and the stereotypes the song discusses (obviously a term paper subject. here's a friendly hint to current students from a former teacher - if you can google it, so can the cute girl at the front of the class. chances are, if she's *at* the front of the class, her brain is at least moderately adequate)
  
• sundae (what kind? how large? where would you like to consume it and with whom? enquiring minds want to know)
  
• in a place like this i'll get away with it (you are right - in a place like this you will)
  

welcome, fine googlers... i hope that the sundae experience is all you had hoped it would be.

tuesdae

todae's horoscope:

Yes, relationships are about romance, but there's so much more to them. Politics are a big factor, and therapy is a major benefit. When something is annoying but unavoidable, give it your full attention. Look your partner squarely in the face and appreciate his or her individuality. Compassion only seems expensive until it starts flowing naturally again. Then you'll feel simultaneously grown up and childlike. Welcome back to the world that you once knew. -

for the record, and for those who are interested, this sunshine sundae girl is a leo.... just in case you other leos wanted to keep track.

oh canada

all is right with the world...

team canada is the world champs in hockey (naturally) and calgary beat san jose in game one.

my mama and i spent the afternoon at a local organic herb greenhouse. i picked up some sunflowers, a tomato plant with an intriguing name, some ginger mint (cause god knows i need more mint) and a few staples... calvin ditched me for mothers day (i had really wanted to go see supersize me) so she felt sorry for me. i am quite down in the dumps about it, actually... i can't help but think back to last mother's day, when we were in 'loops for track, staying in the cool hotel, and he won me a gold medal for my gift. seems like six lifetimes ago...