lazy saturdae

so after another fun filled tubercular evening, i finally fell asleep sometime around six and slept straight through till nine thirty. the new boy went off to smoke cigars, drink beer and play poker last night, so i don't imagine i'll be hearing from him anytime soon.

which is ok.

or is it?

yeah, it is. i feel crappy, my space is a mess, and i need some alone time.

anyhoooooo... since i was feeling so crappy yesterday morning i stayed home from work to sleep the am hours away. got up around noon-ish, showered and dressed and drove into town to watch scary movies at the boy's flat. i'm lying on his couch in my thong and a tshirt, and he's lying behind me. i love the fact that we are still at the point where we just make out pretty much all the time. like, as soon as i tucked my ass up against his pelvis, i could feel him react. and that's the way it ALWAYS happens.

(as an aside, the crazy exboyfriend and i were together for three years and had that effect on each other the whole time. it's sad when two people have a six month or year long honeymoon period then things start to be less exciting - i have way too much sex drive for that to wash. basically, if i'm not fucking you i'm fucking someone else. sad but true.)

so where was i going with all this? huh. can't remember. needless to say, i missed a significant chunk of the movie, but that's ok. i'd way rather fuck (or in this case, not fuck but give him a very good time) than watch tv, you know?

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i've been lying here doing the next blog next blog thing. this is interesting to me 'cause it's kind of like random voyeurism - like wandering down a city street after dark and looking in people's living room windows to see what they're doing, what they're watching, who they're with. most of the stuff out there is crap. now in saying this, please understand that i fully support everyone's right to publish their own crap. but you have to also respect the fact that i'm not gonna read it. also, in saying this please understand that i'm not placing myself above anyone - i can keep up with the best of 'em in the inane drivel departments (see above paragraphs on couch session). what i'm trying to say here is (as she makes lassooing motions with her arm to try and corral her own point) sometimes you come across some interesting stuff - this morning i found naturalkinds. seems to be a newly started personal type blog, but i like the quality of his writing. sort of reminds me of the now-defunct greg the boyfriend. so i think i'll add him to the sidebar and see how it shapes up.

the cool thing about reading good writing is that it makes me want to write better. i've taken some of tony pierce's rules for blogging to heart. some of them, of course, i ignore 'cause that's the kind of girl i am. but i have been trying to write more... creatively. so that's where some of the weird crap has come from lately - hope you don't mind. personally, my favourite thing that i've written recently was the bit about the sex at the church. but that's just me.

fun!

i'll be your huckleberry

the consumption is back. me & val kilmer are playing cards on the deck of a riverboat, handkerchiefs at the ready, voluptuous showgirls with feather boas standing by to fill our glasses with whiskey and collect our winnings from the table.

once, we found ourselves at odds with some of the locals. you know how it is - big fish in small ponds figure they get to make all the waves. we showed them - took their money, made out with their women, and shot up the place before riding off into the sunset. good times.

me & doc, we got a special relationship. sure there are moments of jealousy- like when we both cast our eye on the same dolly at the bar, or when we find a particularly nice mother of pearl pistol grip, or it comes down to the last shot in the bottle. but then we just look at each other, give that special smile we share, grab the dancer girl and take her upstairs. cause what's more fun that two gunslingers and a girl in a bed? two girls in bed with a gunslinger.

hump day

tony pierce say:

maybe thats when people should get hitched and breed, when they dont give a fuck any more.

the new boy say that eventually he'll make me sad. he say that i'm just so *good* that everything about me is *good* and how did i get tangled up with him. the new boy say that eventually it will end - it always does - that eventually i'll get mad and will yell and it will be over and he hates the thought of the day that he disappoints me.

maybe my problem is that i still give a fuck.

top ten

songs you will never hear at my (hypothetical) wedding

10. i like that old time rock'n'roll - bob seger? pete seeger? who cares
9. girls just want to have fun - cyndi lauper
8. i will always love you - oh whitney. what have you done?
7. ymca - the village people
6. la bamba - los lobos
5. anything country, except johnny cash. he's not really wedding-friendly, though, is he?
4. who let the dogs out - does it really matter? any version of this song, performed by any artist, is off limits.
3. i knew the bride when she used to rock and roll. - she still does. fucker.
2. your mama don't dance and your daddy don't etc etc...

and the number one song ne'er to be played is...

that fucking chicken song.

there are so many more... so many more...... sorry if i've offended anyone who is deeply touched by the schlock and cheese of the songs previous.

back

weddings do funny things to me. wait - i need coffee before i can write this.

k better. the world is a better place when viewed from over your first cup of coffee in the morning.

anyhoo... weddings do funny things to me. it wasn't till about five years ago that i even thought i *wanted* to get married. then, when i was backpacking, i came to the realization that i wanted to have someone to spend the rest of my life with. unfortunately, i was dating the crazy exboyfriend at the time. fortunately, we *didn't* get married. so on saturday, i'm sitting at the wedding of people i don't really know - have met the bride once before - and thinking to myself that it's still really something i want to do. the problem which poses itself, at this point, is how the fuck does THAT happen? kids, i'm kind of old, and i don't really want more children. sort of puts me out of the market, you know? alrighting then. bummer out.

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in other worlds, we saw some crazy ass shit on the drive this weekend.

1. a single bed bounced out of the back of a truck going down the #1 and narrowly missed hitting the car in the lane next to us. the car swerved and stopped, the bed kept on bouncing to freedom.

2. at one point, it was raining so hard we were driving through at least three inches of standing water flooding the highway.

3. we saw two very very narrowly avoided head on collisions nearly caused by people driving like assholes and trying to pass when there was not anywhere near enough room. we are talking barely averted 10 car pile ups in which we would have been involved.

4. a dog (lab/german shepard sized) ran out into the highway and was cut in half by the semi driving right in front of us. cut. in. half. *shudders*

5. i think there was other stuff - i'll try and remember it...

edit -

6. i saw some guy throw a lit firecracker out of his car window in front of another car on a bridge just outside of hope. fortunately, the other car could brake and avoid - a swerve would have meant hitting us or going into the guardrail.

also - i finally introduced The New Boy to mike b....

only hippes make fun of people with daily jobs

ok i'm out for a few days. not like i've been super present for the last week. which is *not* to say that there haven't been things to talk about. oh there have. oh my oh my there have.

this weekend is mike b's birthday as well - i remembered about thirty seconds ago and am not sure how i'm going to navigate that what with the going away this weekend and the not having a gifty etc etc. it's not that i'm a bad friend, it's just that i lost my little book with the dates of all my friends and i've been a little distracted this last while. so ya, i guess i'm a bad friend.

in case you are curious - no i'm not a hippy. though i do have a bit of granola in my sushi, i hate the stink of patchouli, don't own birkenstocks nor a peasant skirt, wash my well-styled hair with frightening regularity and paint my toenails.

i did, however, always picture myself being employed in a way which allowed me to structure my own hours and take the summers off - whch is to say, i figured i'd be working in academia. you know - wearing tweed, smoking a pipe, and pompously expounding on the comparative merits of proust and racine. but whatever - spreadsheets are fun too, right?

happy birthday, canada

we watched some crazy man verbally assault people, this evening, as we carried our iced teas down the drive in the sunshine. he wore red and black, wide brimmed hat shading his eyes from the evening glare - you know how the sun hits *that point* in the sky when there's really no escaping it, when the sun visors can't help no matter how tall you are.

"i hate fucking canadians!" he said as he lurched back and forth. "fuck canada!" i stared back at him, feeling the boy's arm tighten beneath my hand. "don't," i said. "don't provoke it."

the man in the red shirt lurched onto the bus through the back door. the bus doors remained open - we could hear him lambasting the driver before he lurched back down the stairs. "i'm calling 911." the boy said. "he's going to hurt someone."

fucking canadians indeed.


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i'm going home for the weekend, kids. have fun with the barbeques and the fireworks and the jazz fests and the ball tournaments and all the other good ways you celebrate this birthday of all birthdays....

friday night

in the absence of a patio we sat in the sunporch, resting on antique wooden dining chairs too refined for the quality of language and victuals. our feet were up on the sill, windows open. he leaned slightly out, watching the breeze catch his cigarette smoke and wisp it away. i balanced the plate of take out pasta on my lap, beer in hand, and speculated upon the fiscal circumstances of the man pulling up for pizza across the street. i gestured extravagantly, narrowly avoiding losing both my beer and my dinner to the tiled floor. he looked at me amused - brow furrowed in the way it sometimes does. i can tell that he's not sure how to take me - not sure how to tell when i'm seriously empassioned and when i'm just playing for the crowds. after all, the world is just a stage, and we had the front row seat.

i am

feeling irritated with my friends. kind of all of them, in general, but not for reasons that are individual. like everyone has good reasons for doing the stuff that they've done which irks me, and in a one on one situation i'd be able to deal with the crap. it's just that a bunch of things have happened in the last week and so when you lump all the things together i get irritated. it's like there's an ill wind blowing, or something in the air, or one of those other pithy cliches.

foo fighters presales are today. i asked the new boy if he wanted to go, but he's not interested. this is good, cause i'll be free to lurk at the back door and try to steal the chance to profess my undying love for mr dave grohl. i sure am ok with that, and clearly in that he's declined to accompany me. home free, as they say.

anyhoo.. i'm supposed to be at work. i'd best get back to it.

from spirit fingers via maktaaq...

i'm a posting machine, aren't i?

an exerpt:

PARIS - Joy turned to tragedy in the early hours of the morning when Tom Cruise accidentally snapped his Katie Holme's neck while in the throes of passion. The pair of lovebirds had just announced their engagement at a packed press conference when Tom manfully grabbed Katie's hair. He then pulled her head into a clinch to prepare for a macho show of affection. However the brute force of his loving left arm against Katie's throat was too much pressure for her neck vertebrae to bear.

Shocked onlookers said that Tom was unable to hear the lethal snap of his fiancee's bones over his maniacal laughter as he described what a magnificent, extraodinary and unbelievable woman Katie was. Even as her body went limp, he continued to whisper into his lover's ear "are you OK?" and "darling, smile for the cameras". It was only after the Batman Begins star failed to respond to the words "if you don't wake up now Dakota (Fanning) is more than happy to take your place" when Tom knew that something was wrong.

the rune say

Thurisaz
The Gate
The God Thor
________________________________________________________________________

Thurisaz

Thurisaz indicates the presence of new options opening before you. However, it is advised to stop in front of the gate before crossing it, to look at the road that led you up to here.

This Rune points toward the need of not acting yet, but to examine past experiences and circumstances before continuing towards success. It is not a moment to make decisions, but rather to strengthen your ability to wait.

Review your past closely. Observe it, bless it, and let go of everything you need to let go of. Then cross the door.

deep water

didn't go out with number two. clearly. it's fucking twelve-fifteen and i'm here writing to you. how sweet.

'have to move really slow. deep water' he said. you mean you are deep water? or i'm in deep water. is that the same as being in hot water? 'no, i'm deep water. have to move really slow. you're like a little creek.' oh you think so? i ask. i don't think you have any idea. 'oh i know. i'm good at figuring people out.' shit, well since you've got me sorted, maybe you can explain me to me. 'sure, i'll explain you. someday.'

oh sweetie you have no idea. look at you making the same mistake everyone makes - taking what you see on the surface to be the sum of who i am. do you know how long it takes to get below? do you have any idea? i never thought you, of all people, would underestimate me. i think that hurts more than anything. interesting, though. it maybe gives me the little piece of contempt i need - the little piece of contempt i usually find beneath the blankets of another man's bed.

update

new boy called from away... we tiptoed gingerly around for a few minutes then fell back into easy conversation. he's going to call back when he's drunk and it's dark. it's so much easier to talk about stuff when it's dark, isn't it?

will i go out with the other this evening? not sure - i just screened him. he'll call back. he always does...

in other news - my papa has returned from ireland, just in time for dad's day. he came bearing football jerseys for the new boy and the kiddo, and a boxing club sweatshirt for me (established 1972 - a good year, i must say). yay, dad!

do it

go read tony pierce. i found him via mblog. he's fucking brilliant.

i'm gonna be dropping the f-bomb all day, so if you are easily offended by bad language fuck right off.

stink

what, nobody knows how to fix my computer? fine. thanks. bleh.

what happened to swizzalish? anyone know? she's just... gone. so strange...

so i was supposed to go hang with The New Boy last night. i spoke with him in the afternoon, and said that i'd head home to change then come straight downtown. which i did. and hung around killing time without being able to get a hold of him for two hours. mike b rescued me from my tedium and we went to grab a bite. new boy finally called - he bailed on our plans. i called bullshit on his 'nothing is wrong' and said (you know, since i was a block and a half from his house and had wasted half an evening waiting for him) i'd come talk to him when i was done eating. decided against eating and for drinking. did that. went to the new boy's place. stood outside with him so he could smoke to figure out what the fuck. he said he'd had a bad day, and wanted to hang with his buddies and have some space. i'm supposed to relax - everything is good with us. he just wants to be, basically around everybody he knows except me, 'cause he doesn't want to be around me when he's in the space he's in. but i'm not supposed to take it seriously. it's not supposed to hurt.

fucker.

so i came home. made a date to see someone i went out with once or twice way back in like.. march or something. april maybe - back at the start of this shit with the new boy when there was still r- and i hadn't said 'i'm not seeing anyone else'. i'll let him pick me up, buy me dinner, get me drunk, and maybe let him fuck me. maybe not. if i do i'll be able to step back from the new boy - regain some fucking strength, some fucking emotional distance.

i can't decide if i'm freaking out 'cause i have so much fucking back story and 'cause i like him and i DON'T KNOW HOW HE FEELS and it scares the shit out of me. i told him that - he told me not to be afraid. i've heard that before. he thinks it's nothing to be upset about, and maybe he's right. the other option, though, is that i just don't give a shit. would he prefer that? no, he says, but he'd accept that as who i am. what does that mean?

ah fuck it. i'm not going to give a shit. i'm going to get my hair cut and go back to seeing other people and just let him drift away. or i'm going to try, rather. i've never been much of a master over my own emotions.

hands... shaking... withdrawl... setting.. in

ok my computer is fucked. when i turn it on, it doesn't boot, and the monitor goes straight into the power save mode.

somebody out there must be a smarty pants - help me pretty pretty please?

dilemma

so the porn star wants me to have a threesome with him and one of his buddies. he sent me a photo - they're of a similar size and body shape, which leads me to believe they may be similarly endowed (*fans self*). they're both good looking men. the temptation is... there.

so what to do about The New Boy? The New Boy who i just talked to for a half an hour. The New Boy who wants to take me for for a drink, and for dinner, and maybe to the movies tomorrow night 'cause i'm feeling a little neglected in that boyfriend/girlfriend one on one sort of attention. The New Boy who is very sweet and who scares me to my core 'cause i actually really like him?

how does he stack up when i close my eyes and think of being between two men who outweigh me by probably close to 80lbs each; who tower over me; TWO of them? together? at the same time? mouths, hands, arms... all that stuff.

see, this is my problem with having a boyfriend. am i willing to give up the chance to *DO* shit like this, because i told someone that i wasn't going to see other people anymore?

oooooo purity test...

My Purity Report - Compared to Others
Category	- Lower - - Low - --- Average --- - High - - Higher -
Sexual:	99%
Homosexual:	99%
Nerdiness:	27%
Healthiness:	43%
Financial:	56%
Criminal:	93%
Drug Use:	99%
Grossness:	70%
Report By NerdTests.com. Click Here to get your purity scores!

whatdja get, huh?

wonder

what china would make of us here at the sundae sanatorium?