horoscope

i like horoscopes like these:

"Write down all the ideas that enter your head, because if you don't, you're likely to forget them. Right now, your personality is much like that of a mad scientist, all brilliance but little common sense. You need an assistant."

brain slowly returning

bits and pieces of last nite are coming back to me:

• trying to convince nate that i was actually wearing kitty ears not horns; the two of us polling the same people over and over again looking for vindication
  
• the reason the whole debate started: nate telling me i am the devil. me protesting, saying that i'm a good girl. him saying that no, i'm very very bad, but in a good way.
  
• nate sucking the helium out of a balloon and saying "hey lisa you devil - man you are smokin hot".
  
• doing 130km per hour up nanaimo going back to burnaby to get nick's id (which we never did end up needing)
  
• kissing daisy - on the lips even - inspiring her to wax poetic about how good a kisser i am
  
• missing out on my dancing lesson *again*
  
• mattias ohlund scoring
  
• waking up at one point with nick's leg wrapped around my waist and his arm around my head
  
• andrew asking me if i paid full price for my sweater (haha so funny)
  

i'm sure more will come back to me as the day wears on...

strange how many people are on the road at 7am

and how would you know that, dear raspberry? well, gentle reader, because at 7am i was *flying* home from n²'s house in order to sign a get well card for my grandma - my mom is flying up to see her this morning, and i had to get here before she left for the airport.

and why weren't you tucked safe in your bed like a good little raspberry sundae? well, because it is actually well against the nature of raspberry sundae to *be* tucked safe in her own bed on a sunday morning. well, at least by herself, that is. so these last few dry weeks have been quite unnatural for everyone concerned...

i actually did intend to come home last nite. we were having a lovely time at the australian bar downtown - many many drinks were consumed... i had indulged in a little not-sanctioned-by-the-FDA fun so was keeping the martinis to a minimum (well, i could have probably drank the bar dry with no effect - pointless and expensive, i thought). ben was, to say the least, wasted. but he had a lovely time, i do believe, and he may, just may, have finally had a moment with the girl of his canadian dreams. i shall have to confirm that later this evening.

so anyway, a few people ended up in burnaby at the home of n². nate passed out within approximately four minutes of walking in the door. nick held out quite a bit longer, but there was only a few of us sitting around, talking, and listening to music. he made an effort to have me strip for the group (i was the only girl), but i declined. (i wonder if that ever works?). so the ranks dwindled, until it was nick, john and i. nick crawled into his bed and started to pass out and john called a taxi to take him home... i went in to say goodbye to nick and he replied "you're leaving? that sucks".... so we had a brief conversation about how he didn't want to sleep with me anymore... and how (according to him) that's not actually the case - he is just deathly afraid of committment. i pointed out that i am, conceivably, the person he least needs to worry about that with.

anyhoo... one thing leads to another, as it ususally does. all i know is that the last time i looked at the clock it was 5.34 and that is *not* when i went to sleep.

the first time you have sex with someone is really cool, because it's that initial BANG! (no pun intended) - two people's bodies and chemistry colliding - you discover each other a little and it's new and fresh and exciting. the second time, though, is when you sort of start exploring what each other likes...and pushing the limits a little bit. it's still pretty new... but that is the bit that makes it more fun than the first time.

more weird

ok so recall my two days in a row horoscopes, and my vague desire to call the exboyfriend? he just called here. i did the stage whisper "i'm not here!" with rabid head shakings....

he is hardwired into my psyche, my hand to god...

trouble

ps: i still have not received tickets to a perfect circle. just in case someone out there was planning on sending them along, but thought "no.. dear raspberry must have hundreds by now.. i'll just give these ones to another cute blonde". sad as it is.. i remain bereft.

i do realize that the 'ps' usually comes at the end. hence the name post script. i just thought that i'd point it out early, in case what i have to say is dull. wouldn't want to lose any readers before i made it to the important public service announcement.

exerpted from maktaaq's comments:

"Raspberry, I have always been rather curious. What is "trouble" exactly? And how does one go about "getting in trouble"?
- Maktaaq

and my response:

"hmm well trouble can be any number of things. sometimes it's drinking martinis and smooching with girls in restaurants, much to the delight of the couple at the table beside you. sometimes it's introducing strangers to each other with incorrect names and fanciful stories (a la bridget jones: "frank, this is juliet. she enjoys stock car racing and making fancy pastries. juliet, this is frank. he enjoys bondage films and growing tulips". sometimes it's just starting snowball fights and enticing people into *not* doing what they should be doing, but acting like kids instead... depends on my mood at the time, i guess."

interesting concept, getting into trouble. tonight i'm torn by my desire to get into trouble, my dread of doing it in front of work people, and my overwhelming urge to stay home in my jammies and read mystery novels. but the n's should be out.. and going out with bun is usually tonnes of fun, and i believe even young maktaaq is joining us for an evening on the town. so i shall quit my whinging, don my new pink arm warmers (take that moxee's new shoes!) and get off my potty.

i'd like to kill danny finkleman

the title of this post is dedicated to mike b.

i actually did a long post last nite devoted to the subject of having sex with the ex. well, specifically my ex - otherwise known as psychojeremy. but for some reason, when i went to post it, it disappeared into the ether. then, on top of that, i had the same horoscope two days in a row. coincidence? i think not.

so i think i shall just leave the subject alone. it really bears very little consideration, and can be summed up like this: my self imposed celibacy is wearing a little thin, and is starting to make me think of doing silly things, like call my crazyexboyfriend for a shag. i have a remarkably high sex drive, and not giving in to it fairly regularly seems to result in bad choices...

*ahem* tickets

come on now, people. it's been over two hours. i still have no tickets. this is really a burning desire. i can't quite express it or emphasize it enough.
i need tickets to see a perfect circle at the queen e theatre.

someone should send me tickets to 'a perfect circle'

cause i'm sure nick would love me forever if i took him with me....

actually, i'd probably take calvin. he'd never forgive me if i didn't, and his fourteen year old "ladies man" brain doesn't understand the notion of buying love. unlike his old and wrinkly mother. (menses? is that you peeking out from just around the corner? i knew i saw you there!)

i'm hanging out at home by myself tonite. even calvin isn't here: he went off to some dance or another. i could go out, i suppose, but really i feel like taking a bath and lying around. i'm so very very tired. i was at work trying to figure out my reports till after five. granted we did have a bit of a 'cake break' mid afternoon.

it was ben's last day so megs and i (in happy possession of the account manager's credit card) headed off to find a cake and a card... i circulated it (card not cake) around the office for signing, then herded everyone upstairs to sample cake not card. i even went downstairs and tracked nate down to bring him along (nick was playing hooky again. lucky bastard)... i think bun was quite happy - i didn't go to the lengths for this event as i did for his birthday, but that has a great deal to do with my energy levels in the evenings this time around... so i apologize, ben, you crazy kid.

i'm really going to miss him - the office just won't be the same without him.
but tomorrow is his grand 'goodbye' do downtown. i think it shall be a raging drunk. scratch that, i know it. n x2 will be in attendance, so i believe it is an occasion for the kitty ears.

weird

strangely enough..

my horoscope for today is the same as yesterday.

"If you happen to meet and spend time with new people today, dear Leo, be careful. Some folks can appear interesting because they are bold or dangerous. Perhaps they do things you never dream of doing. While this may seem interesting, it can lead to trouble and could hurt you if you're not careful. Be sure to stick to your usual standards and ethics when it comes to others. If danger excites you too much, it may be time to reexamine your life and find ways to change things."

i wonder what that means?

horoscope

this is my horoscope for today:

"If you happen to meet and spend time with new people today, dear Leo, be careful. Some folks can appear interesting because they are bold or dangerous. Perhaps they do things you never dream of doing. While this may seem interesting, it can lead to trouble and could hurt you if you're not careful. Be sure to stick to your usual standards and ethics when it comes to others. If danger excites you too much, it may be time to reexamine your life and find ways to change things"

grey dresses for grey days

so today our department dressed up and didn't tell anyone why. though rumour has it that someone leaked the dish... it was funny to watch people run around trying to guess *why* 15 people who usually take "office casual" seriously to heart were wearing their business best.

i took the opportunity to wear a dress that i don't trot out very often - a sleeveless little fitted grey number with a high neck, and was delighted to see that my new purple cardigan went well over top. not that the loose knit offers much in the way of warmth, but it was a bit of cover, anyway.

but enough of what not to wear... i've found the last couple of days really detrimental to my social skills. i've been in full fledged hibernation mode, for sure. screening my calls, being antisocial on the chat (not with you moxee, dear - i had run off for coffee when you buzzed me), and not really answering my email with due diligence. so, for those of you out there who give a poo, i do apologize. this is my tendency- when things are going not so well, i sometimes withdraw into myself.. not intentionally, but just because i can't imagine myself being good company or even able to hold a conversation. usually i snap out of it in a day or so.. i know that this has been a couple of days know, but i'm still not ready to come out of seclusion. (yes, yes.. bronte again)

it feels really weird to be working in such a big place, now - kind of like the university, but not. at least at the uni, people who worked there lived in a pretty small world - offices, cafeteria, library, classrooms, tim hortons kiosk. at this place the production area seems so remote from our little upstairs world... and the engineering area is like another planet - of course, i don't know any of those people at all. i have this great back stairs shortcut that takes me from upstairs to a little crossroads - one door takes me to shipping, one door takes me to the cafeteria, and one door takes me outside. really i don't have to go anywhere else in the building, if i don't want to. it's great. but i do miss my morning walk route - down through ops to accounting, cutting back out through production and up the stairs... got to say hi to pretty much everyone that way.

i bump into nate with a fair amount of regularity, and i saw nick a couple of times today, too. but i don't really have much contact with those guys any more. i wonder if he still feels like we work together... meh. either way. water under the bridge by now.

tuesday

ok so i almost quit my job yesterday... the stress of everything finally got to me, and when my immediate superior came and yelled at me for something completely minor (as is her tendency) i flipped out and yelled back. normally, i don't do such things, but yesterday i'd just had enough. i understand that personalities will clash in the workplace, but for god's sake no one gets paid enough to be treated with disrespect by your supposed teammates.

but, i do need the paycheque. and, most of the time, i like my job. so i went in today and we talked it out for an hour and smoothed it over. i stood by what happened - i refused to cave on the things i said and the fact that i honestly believe that i was pushed too far. so i feel good about it. i did apologize for losing my temper - that is something i try to not do. but i don't (didn't) apologize for sticking up for myself or my team member.

that said, it was a day of meetings and fire fighting. i'm really glad that i do go in a couple of hours earlier than everyone else, because at least i get something done. the rest of the day was spent in boardrooms and solving crises.

outside my window is a flowering vine that is one of my favourite things about my bedroom - in season, it is covered in little white flowers that i can see while lying in bed. i just looked out at it and noticed the green sprouts beginning in places on the vine. spring is on its way...

no real purpose

here is a link to a seemingly purposeless game. and yet i can't stop playing...

sunny sundaes

so stacylicious just called me to slightly revamp our brunch plans... though i knew that was going to happen. when i left her company last nite at 10pm, she was on her 6th cocktail....

i had a tonne of fun with the 'girls' last nite: sangria and mexican food and dancing at pepitas. but i was ready to come home at 10pm. these past few weeks have been so nuts that i really need to catch up on some rest and 'me' time. i think after brunch i shall go on a long walk or something. that is, actually, what my horoscope for today prescribes. that's the thing i miss most about teaching and/or temping: the days that were your own.... i'd always arrange my temp contracts so that i had a day or two between them to just wander around and drink tea and read my book on patios. and when teaching your schedule is your own to make: you have a few set hours a week, but other than that it's gravy. this whole 7-4 thing is cramping my bronte style...

i wore my new pink sparkly half-sweater out last nite with a white tank top, tight black skirt, white knee socks and mary janes to very good reviews. (lesbians are so flattering, and open about it in a non-creepy way... stacy's friend mo keeps trying to get me to switch teams. don't think i haven't been tempted.) i think it (the sweater that is) was a good find, for sure. the best thing about thrift store shopping is that the stuff you find is not the same as what everyone else has lying around. i do need to go through my closet, though. i know i have at least a drawer full of stuff that i'm forgetting about. that would be the downside of being a shop a holic.

stacylicious

i had tea and a wander on the drive with ms stacy today. it's funny how we can have pretty much no contact for a month and a half and feel as comfortable together as if we had seen each other yesterday.

i was telling her about my feelings of disconnectedness, and the idea i had that maybe i have to learn to be content with what i have and stop looking for *more*. she thinks that is a shit idea - she's so good at calling me on my bullshit. she thinks that you should always look for more - if you feel like there is something missing in your life, there is: even if what is missing is actually hiding inside your soul somewhere. and this is all stuff i know, too. i just keep telling myself that i should give up cause it's to scary to think of the alternatives.

but it's far to beautiful a day to dwell on that sort of stuff right now. i went on a value village adventure this afternoon - got some crazy polyester plaid pants and some old uniform pants with a blue pinstripe and a black uniform shirt for calvin, and a couple of fun things for myself as well. all in all, it was a good day. i love the sunshine...

mmm i'm hungry and don't want to wait till 7pm for dinner... i'm so not patient. we are going to pepitas on english bay for stacy's goodbye dinner, then they are all going dancing, but i shall exclude myself from that, i believe. not quite up to the gay girl bar tonite, fun as it always is. i want to flirt with *boys* today....

you say you want a revelation - revel in this my lover

having just wandered through moxee's muse (my how that does sound dirty) i noticed the similarity in our ennui of late. i feel bad cause this seems to be a theme that i persist in coming back to, but i seriously feel like i'm missing out on something, though; that there is something just beyond my fingertips... so tantalizing... i can't quite see it clearly enough to identify what it is, but i know it's there ("cause tonight.. i feel like more").

what is more, though? a sense of community and companionship? i commented on mox's blog that when you have a physical relationship with someone who is your best friend you reach a level of intimacy that you can't have with your girls, or with your guy friends. conversely, you can't have it with people you are *just* sleeping with. i think that's what i'm missing...

do we spend our entire lives looking for something we will never find? is that the secret of life? you can never find what you are looking for. you will never be content. the trick is to value what you have and make the most of it, with the full knowledge that it's not perfect. people are always yapping on about loving yourself for who you are, and appreciating yourself foibles and all - why do people never say that about our *outer* lives, too?

i'm not suggesting i should settle for something that makes me unhappy. i'm just wondering if maybe, just maybe, i'll never find 'more'.

moving day...

today, as everyone ran around frantically trying to put their office style belongings into the correct receptacle (recycling bin, garbage, or box, depending) i tried to put my finger on the strange feeling in the air. "vacation?" i asked ben. "maybe, but packing up to go home at the end of vacation." he replied.. and then, in a flash, i figured it out - it felt like the last day of school.. that sense of excitement but mild sadness you feel as you clean out your desk and head off into the afternoon... like you are embarking on what should be an adventure, but will most likely not be.

i think most of the rest of the office had it doubly so - they are all 'working from home' tomorrow. we are caught up in an offsite meeting for the day. at least there will be lunch. oh and it doesn't start until 10am, which means that i get to leave my house a full hour and a half later than usual. such luxury...

i'm not even sure what day it is

so work is going a little nutso. we are moving our offices at the end of this week - shifting into a brand new location. i'm really really excited, cause i actually get a window seat: no more having to go stand behind sarah and envying her view... but needless to say everybody's strung so tight that people are snapping left right and centre at each other. i'm just trying to keep my head down and get my work done, without making waves or causing trouble. sometimes easier said than done though.

this afternoon, i actually entertained the notion of looking for a new job. i know that this career path is not where i figured i'd be at my age, but i do enjoy my work, for the most part. but i think that the stress is starting to get to me. i enjoy the money - don't get me wrong - but really, considering how many hours i actually work, i'm probably not making that much. ah well... i'll just stick it out. hopefully once this move is over, and management is more separate from us, the world will run a little smoother.
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i noticed that moxee is back - i was happy to see an update on her blog. i've said it before, but it's really funny when the people you read regularly don't post - you miss them a lot. or i do, anyway.

stacylicious is coming home this weekend for a flying 'goodbye' visit. she's been transferred to tdot. so i probably won't be seeing much of her. not like i have recently anyway - but toronto seems so far away. way farther than calgary. i miss her a bunch, already.

so it should be a fairly full weekend - mossy rocket is doing a show at the arts club theatre on friday, and saturday is stacy's dinner... mmm pepitas for mexican. not that i'm desperate for a cocktail or anything.. but i'm desperate for a friday cocktail and it's only.. shit i know this .. wednesday. that's it.

"it's hella sensitive"

why have i never purchased a cd doctor before? i came in the door and immediately repaired two of my cds as well as the perfect circle cd loaned to me by mmmmnickmmmm this afternoon (it was skipping on my drive home and making me batty)

yes, i did say nick. well, honestly, i never made any secret about totally crushing on him. and since i was off for donairs today, i went downstairs to see if he wanted one (like i always do).. then when i brought it back he was bellysurfing on one of the loading dollies.. just totally goofing around and being a kid. which i'm such a sucker for. i really do prefer boys II men. i'm such a geek though.. i always get flustered and blush... must find self a distraction. perhaps self should adopt a cat or six.

further chapter to the saga of dylan, the world's most high maintenace booty call: he actually called me monday night and bitched me out. the sum of his problem with me is that he is aware that he has issues with dating stupid women 'cause it's easy (his words, not mine) and i was reminding him of that by telling him not to worry about me cause no pressure i was happy just being friends if that's all he has to offer. yes, i know, it makes no sense to me either. so he succeeded in making me feel crappy (twice in one week! not bad for someone i have only made out with a few times).

i was relating this story to bun over our 'first thing in the morning' coffee yesterday morning. his response was "you end up dating the wierdest guys". it's true. i do. guilty as charged. no normal men here. please, only freaks and weirdos need apply.

despite your destination

yesterday when i was in the used book store, i saw a copy of the church cd with "under the milky way" on it and almost bought it. it's on the donnie darko soundtrack as well. so today when we watched the movie, i was reminded of how, when i was like 14 years old, that song made me feel the way that digital bath does now. actually it still does a little...

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty
Sound of their breath fades with the light
I think about the loveless fascination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Lower the curtain down on Memphis
Lower the curtain down all right
I got no time for private consultation
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

And it's something quite peculiar
Something shimmering and white
Leads you here despite your destination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

Under the Milky way tonight...

i remember sitting in my room in the dark listening to that song over and over again.. i had the 45. i have vivid memories of sitting by the open window, on my bed, listening to the words and wishing i'd written them. same sense of sadness and aloneness, longing and yet hope... funny how some feelings never escape you. or you never escape them. hmm having another bronte moment.

i know that i isolate myself. i always have - i don't know what it is inside me that makes me do it though... what it is in my head that drives me away from the people that are good for me and to the people that are bad. i wish i knew what it was i'm looking for.