stink

what, nobody knows how to fix my computer? fine. thanks. bleh.

what happened to swizzalish? anyone know? she's just... gone. so strange...

so i was supposed to go hang with The New Boy last night. i spoke with him in the afternoon, and said that i'd head home to change then come straight downtown. which i did. and hung around killing time without being able to get a hold of him for two hours. mike b rescued me from my tedium and we went to grab a bite. new boy finally called - he bailed on our plans. i called bullshit on his 'nothing is wrong' and said (you know, since i was a block and a half from his house and had wasted half an evening waiting for him) i'd come talk to him when i was done eating. decided against eating and for drinking. did that. went to the new boy's place. stood outside with him so he could smoke to figure out what the fuck. he said he'd had a bad day, and wanted to hang with his buddies and have some space. i'm supposed to relax - everything is good with us. he just wants to be, basically around everybody he knows except me, 'cause he doesn't want to be around me when he's in the space he's in. but i'm not supposed to take it seriously. it's not supposed to hurt.

fucker.

so i came home. made a date to see someone i went out with once or twice way back in like.. march or something. april maybe - back at the start of this shit with the new boy when there was still r- and i hadn't said 'i'm not seeing anyone else'. i'll let him pick me up, buy me dinner, get me drunk, and maybe let him fuck me. maybe not. if i do i'll be able to step back from the new boy - regain some fucking strength, some fucking emotional distance.

i can't decide if i'm freaking out 'cause i have so much fucking back story and 'cause i like him and i DON'T KNOW HOW HE FEELS and it scares the shit out of me. i told him that - he told me not to be afraid. i've heard that before. he thinks it's nothing to be upset about, and maybe he's right. the other option, though, is that i just don't give a shit. would he prefer that? no, he says, but he'd accept that as who i am. what does that mean?

ah fuck it. i'm not going to give a shit. i'm going to get my hair cut and go back to seeing other people and just let him drift away. or i'm going to try, rather. i've never been much of a master over my own emotions.