Happy birthday, sweet Hailey.
Il y a 4 jours
mercredi, juillet 19
lundi, juillet 17
Danke Schoen, Auf Wiedersehn, Danke Schoen
ok one last post before i wander off to either certain doom (picture raspberry hitch hiking down the island highway, tent in one hand, cooler full of beer in the other) or certain fun (picture raspberry staggering towards the beach, sunscreen in one hand, half-full bottle of red wine in the other).
however, do not fret, my friends, i am leaving you in the capable hands of ridley.
he doesn't know this yet, but i figure he'll find out soon enough.
or j-mo, if he wants to write dirty. hang on, i'll send the invite... annnnnd done.
hm. this could get interesting.
bye kids! don't fight with your sister and be good to grandma while i'm gone.
xo
however, do not fret, my friends, i am leaving you in the capable hands of ridley.
he doesn't know this yet, but i figure he'll find out soon enough.
or j-mo, if he wants to write dirty. hang on, i'll send the invite... annnnnd done.
hm. this could get interesting.
bye kids! don't fight with your sister and be good to grandma while i'm gone.
xo
and just because..
celebrating the freedom of speech, read possibly the funniest post ever written (thanks spo), as well as the reason ridley ain't gettin married anytime soon.
ah this shit (heh) kills me.....
ah this shit (heh) kills me.....
lotta love a lotta luggage for a lotta reasons
so i've been, of late, a little lax in reading through my blogroll - not for any particular reason other than the fact that it's been way sunny out and i've been busybusy and stressed out beyond comprehension.
so anyway, today i was flipping through the list when i came across this post by the hot librarian. you know, i'm ...
i'm not even sure what i want to say at this point. the post itself is interesting to me because i, too, hit puberty at a very young age. i remember what it was like to be in PE class and get hassled by the other girls because i had breasts when they didn't - and the thin tshirt fabric of training bras does *nothing* to shield you from chilly gymnasium air, if you get my draft. i mean drift. *ahem*.
as well, i know what it is like to be called a slut for.. well every reason imaginable - whether i deserve it or not. but whatever - we've btdt in this blog (discussed my slut-dom or lack thereof, i mean) and i don't want to dwell on that particular topic again.
what i really wanted to point out was a blog thread which branched off of thl's original post. fatwalker says "The Hot Librarian is in need of prayer. Less anger and profanity. I suggest Heartcall: The Call to Prayer.365 daily devotionals from women that will encourage, teach, and unite women to pray evangelistically for lost women". fans of the hot librarian immediately rose to her defense - she is an articulate, interesting, and downright funny writer - but for me the larger issue is not thl's slut-dom or purity, but rather the implication that only 'morally right' (in both senses of the word) people should be librarians or, to broaden the spectrum, teachers.
i have some major issues with this. shocking, i know.
first of all let me quote my own comment to fatwalker: "libraries should not be 'wholesome' because that term is very exclusive - which is to say that it excludes all texts determined by the overall power structure to be *not* wholesome. in setting up this oppositional structure, we risk censoring (yes censoring) the artistic voice and the individual right to freedom of expression. how many books, which we now consider great works of literature, were once banned because they were considered 'not wholesome'?" the nazis burned books which they thought to be unwholesome. indeed, every civilization governed by extremest voices (including the united states) has attempted to silence any voice which it determined a threat to its own dogmatism.
who decides what piece of art, what text, is fit or unfit for public consumption? in 1999, a highschool in savannah, georgia that required its seniors obtain parental permission to read hamlet, macbeth and king lear. on the other hand, the canadian government has fairly strict anti-hate laws set in place to protect its subjects from vitriolic propaganda such as holocaust denial, white power literature, and other hatemongering trash. but can we make that distiction? does freedom of speech not apply unilaterally? how can we say 'my friends and i can say what we want but, since your opinions, or lifestyle, or skincolour, differs from ours - you cannot'?
where do we draw the line? can we trust our governments to keep libraries secular? or, does religion belong in the libraries and schools, in the seeming absence of a larger societal morality? at what point is the governing body protecting its citizens, and at what point are they engaging in censorship?
further reading:
so anyway, today i was flipping through the list when i came across this post by the hot librarian. you know, i'm ...
i'm not even sure what i want to say at this point. the post itself is interesting to me because i, too, hit puberty at a very young age. i remember what it was like to be in PE class and get hassled by the other girls because i had breasts when they didn't - and the thin tshirt fabric of training bras does *nothing* to shield you from chilly gymnasium air, if you get my draft. i mean drift. *ahem*.
as well, i know what it is like to be called a slut for.. well every reason imaginable - whether i deserve it or not. but whatever - we've btdt in this blog (discussed my slut-dom or lack thereof, i mean) and i don't want to dwell on that particular topic again.
what i really wanted to point out was a blog thread which branched off of thl's original post. fatwalker says "The Hot Librarian is in need of prayer. Less anger and profanity. I suggest Heartcall: The Call to Prayer.365 daily devotionals from women that will encourage, teach, and unite women to pray evangelistically for lost women". fans of the hot librarian immediately rose to her defense - she is an articulate, interesting, and downright funny writer - but for me the larger issue is not thl's slut-dom or purity, but rather the implication that only 'morally right' (in both senses of the word) people should be librarians or, to broaden the spectrum, teachers.
i have some major issues with this. shocking, i know.
first of all let me quote my own comment to fatwalker: "libraries should not be 'wholesome' because that term is very exclusive - which is to say that it excludes all texts determined by the overall power structure to be *not* wholesome. in setting up this oppositional structure, we risk censoring (yes censoring) the artistic voice and the individual right to freedom of expression. how many books, which we now consider great works of literature, were once banned because they were considered 'not wholesome'?" the nazis burned books which they thought to be unwholesome. indeed, every civilization governed by extremest voices (including the united states) has attempted to silence any voice which it determined a threat to its own dogmatism.
who decides what piece of art, what text, is fit or unfit for public consumption? in 1999, a highschool in savannah, georgia that required its seniors obtain parental permission to read hamlet, macbeth and king lear. on the other hand, the canadian government has fairly strict anti-hate laws set in place to protect its subjects from vitriolic propaganda such as holocaust denial, white power literature, and other hatemongering trash. but can we make that distiction? does freedom of speech not apply unilaterally? how can we say 'my friends and i can say what we want but, since your opinions, or lifestyle, or skincolour, differs from ours - you cannot'?
where do we draw the line? can we trust our governments to keep libraries secular? or, does religion belong in the libraries and schools, in the seeming absence of a larger societal morality? at what point is the governing body protecting its citizens, and at what point are they engaging in censorship?
further reading:
dimanche, juillet 16
take a picture of something you see
so i've been a music downloading machine the past few days - like i cannot even begin to describe how the sheer joy being visited upon my by the piracy. that damn johnny depp and his wiley ways....
as long as i don't start *running* like that, i will be ok with the bad influence, that's all i gotta say.
so two weekends - two movies and the two could not be further from each other than... green eggs and ham.
so a brief comparison of disney's 'dead man's chest' and art linklater's 'a scanner darkly'
1) dead man - based on a disneyland ride; scanner - based on a philip k dick novel.
2) dead man - stars johnny depp, a dynamic actor pretending to be a cartoon; scanner - stars keanu reeves, a wooden actor rendered dynamic by being turned into a cartoon.
3) dead man - live action film that acts like a cartoon; scanner - cartoon that acts like a live action film
4) uh yeah that's all i've got.
comparing these two films is like comparing ... well, apples and oranges to utilize a cliche. i really enjoyed both - despite the negative reviews, i thought dead man's chest delivered exactly what it promises - a rolicking swashbuckling good time. no plot? what were you expecting from a disney movie based on a THEME PARK RIDE for fuck's sake. scanner, though, is possibly the best filmic interpretation of another medium that i have seen since... well possibly ever. i asked the kiddo, as we were getting up to leave the theatre, what he thought. he said, in kind of a shaky voice, 'i don't know yet. i have to process'. when we got out to the parking lot, i asked him again. 'it blew my mind.', he stated simply, and i had to concur.
when i got home i chatted on msn to a friend who had also just seen it. we were both kind of shellshocked. it's a GREAT film. go see it.
ps - if you are into hiphop at all, find a copy of dj format - fabriclive. great GREAT set.
xo
as long as i don't start *running* like that, i will be ok with the bad influence, that's all i gotta say.
so two weekends - two movies and the two could not be further from each other than... green eggs and ham.
so a brief comparison of disney's 'dead man's chest' and art linklater's 'a scanner darkly'
1) dead man - based on a disneyland ride; scanner - based on a philip k dick novel.
2) dead man - stars johnny depp, a dynamic actor pretending to be a cartoon; scanner - stars keanu reeves, a wooden actor rendered dynamic by being turned into a cartoon.
3) dead man - live action film that acts like a cartoon; scanner - cartoon that acts like a live action film
4) uh yeah that's all i've got.
comparing these two films is like comparing ... well, apples and oranges to utilize a cliche. i really enjoyed both - despite the negative reviews, i thought dead man's chest delivered exactly what it promises - a rolicking swashbuckling good time. no plot? what were you expecting from a disney movie based on a THEME PARK RIDE for fuck's sake. scanner, though, is possibly the best filmic interpretation of another medium that i have seen since... well possibly ever. i asked the kiddo, as we were getting up to leave the theatre, what he thought. he said, in kind of a shaky voice, 'i don't know yet. i have to process'. when we got out to the parking lot, i asked him again. 'it blew my mind.', he stated simply, and i had to concur.
when i got home i chatted on msn to a friend who had also just seen it. we were both kind of shellshocked. it's a GREAT film. go see it.
ps - if you are into hiphop at all, find a copy of dj format - fabriclive. great GREAT set.
xo
vendredi, juillet 14
relax don't do it (when you want to)
oh this vay-kay is off to a fine start. after waking up completely randy, chatting on the 'puter, downloading some wicked tunes (i highly recommend the herbaliser - fabriclive), i went downtown to have lunch with mr.pessimist and went on a hunt for thai food...and then... oh then my friends, i went to the westbeach sample sale and spent like a madwoman. i got the kiddo a great snowboarding jacket and a hoodie for $45, picked myself up a couple of hoodies for $15 each, got the sister a skirt and a tshirt (both for $15)... oh and a rainjacket for me for like $20. craziness, i tell you. craziness.
then, oh and then my friends, i responded to one of punkrockboy's text messages and headed over to his place for a visit. sometimes having a booty call is a very good thing. and, because i'm sweet, i even gave him a ride to work. of course he repaid me by commandeering my leftover red curry.
oh and giving me a couple of orgasms.
that's fair, i figure....
then, oh and then my friends, i responded to one of punkrockboy's text messages and headed over to his place for a visit. sometimes having a booty call is a very good thing. and, because i'm sweet, i even gave him a ride to work. of course he repaid me by commandeering my leftover red curry.
oh and giving me a couple of orgasms.
that's fair, i figure....
sweet mother of god - finally!
ok so i'm on vacation. true to form i was awake before 7am chatting with j-mo and surfing the internet.
sadly, i did check my work email first thing. i have to stop that. cut myself off.
i am feeling... erm.... how can we say this delicately... fucking horny this morning. like it's one of those mornings that i wish i could roll over and climb on top of someone and just ride away until i was sated. sadly, it's just me and my auxiliary closet space here on the bed, and i'm not that in love with my clothing yet.
yet. give me an hour or two. that sundress is sass-syy man. damn.
so on tuesday i'm going on what is quite possibly either the a) coolest first date ever, or b) stupidiest first date ever. i'm going over to tofino to camp for two days and take a surfing lesson. like, if this works out it's going to be awesome. if it doesn't work out it will be two grueling expensive days of awkwardness and boredom. sure it's a bit of a gamble, but damn - first of all, i'm super excited to be going away at *all* on my holiday, 'cause i didn't really want to go alone, and second of all, anyone who is willing to spontaneously go camping with someone they barely know is cool, 'cause that, clearly, is something i'd do.
so yeah, i'm excited. am i crazy? oh yeah possibly. but i'm a *cute* crazy person....
sadly, i did check my work email first thing. i have to stop that. cut myself off.
i am feeling... erm.... how can we say this delicately... fucking horny this morning. like it's one of those mornings that i wish i could roll over and climb on top of someone and just ride away until i was sated. sadly, it's just me and my auxiliary closet space here on the bed, and i'm not that in love with my clothing yet.
yet. give me an hour or two. that sundress is sass-syy man. damn.
so on tuesday i'm going on what is quite possibly either the a) coolest first date ever, or b) stupidiest first date ever. i'm going over to tofino to camp for two days and take a surfing lesson. like, if this works out it's going to be awesome. if it doesn't work out it will be two grueling expensive days of awkwardness and boredom. sure it's a bit of a gamble, but damn - first of all, i'm super excited to be going away at *all* on my holiday, 'cause i didn't really want to go alone, and second of all, anyone who is willing to spontaneously go camping with someone they barely know is cool, 'cause that, clearly, is something i'd do.
so yeah, i'm excited. am i crazy? oh yeah possibly. but i'm a *cute* crazy person....
mardi, juillet 11
broken telephone the lines are down i throw myself at nothing
melancholy madness
i'm digging through my past
dusting off the memories, emotions
trapped between the pages of
long forgotten novels and
candles wrapped in newsprint.
why do i keep this the detritus of a life
i forgot how to live.
who am i here in this place where i lack
connections in this time when i have only
songs that
other people wrote
to remind me of myself.
i'm digging through my past
dusting off the memories, emotions
trapped between the pages of
long forgotten novels and
candles wrapped in newsprint.
why do i keep this the detritus of a life
i forgot how to live.
who am i here in this place where i lack
connections in this time when i have only
songs that
other people wrote
to remind me of myself.
lundi, juillet 10
someday you'll wake up and say my god i should've
i don't know if i'm just really worn out, if i've got nuclear pms or if my meds aren't working anymore. i do know that i feel as though i'm rushing down the river past people and experiences - i'm reaching out towards them, trying to hold on, but they're slipping through my fingers like quicksilver rapids.
the sister heard from cruiseship boy today. he quit his job with cruiseship a to do the same job for cruiseship b. he really liked me but stopped emailing 'cause he was freaked out by distance / lives / all that bullshit. nothing new there.
also talked to carlot boy just a little while ago. he told me he had to stop himself from spending time with me 'cause he really liked me and work always got in the way. he said he kept in touch 'cause he kept hoping i'd push him over the edge. i professed skepticism at this statment - if it was going to happen it would have happened by now, i said. he said, no, i'm different. you'll figure me out someday.
i feel like the record is skipping playing the same six notes over and over again.
the sister heard from cruiseship boy today. he quit his job with cruiseship a to do the same job for cruiseship b. he really liked me but stopped emailing 'cause he was freaked out by distance / lives / all that bullshit. nothing new there.
also talked to carlot boy just a little while ago. he told me he had to stop himself from spending time with me 'cause he really liked me and work always got in the way. he said he kept in touch 'cause he kept hoping i'd push him over the edge. i professed skepticism at this statment - if it was going to happen it would have happened by now, i said. he said, no, i'm different. you'll figure me out someday.
i feel like the record is skipping playing the same six notes over and over again.
dimanche, juillet 9
our lives on holiday
so i went into my boss' office on friday, looked her in the eye and told her i needed a vacation. i can't wait till august - i'm tired, i've been running on fumes emotionally and physically, and i'm on the verge of burning out.
more specifically, i'm finding it really hard to care about my job right now. because i'm the kind of employee that i am, she knows that i'd never say such a thing to her if it weren't 100% true, so i'm working monday-thursday next week then am off for a week. i don't think i'm going to do anything - i just need the time off.
not to mention the fact that i helped mikeb move today. the chaos of the experience (and this was a smoothly run one with lots of help and good spirits) has doubly inspired me to go through my belongings and do away with anything superfluous.
i, my friends, own a lot of crap.
i've been living on my own more or less since i was sixteen years old. i did jettison a great deal of it when i moved down here, but i still have reams and reams and piles of *stuff*.
especially books.
and clothes.
le sigh.
oh here's a blast from the past.... r- has been trying to hook up with me in the ... erm ... biblical sense all weekend. this only happens when he's either a) broken up with his gf; b) not getting along with his gf; or c) away from his gf for a few days. i declined the opportunity. yay me....
more specifically, i'm finding it really hard to care about my job right now. because i'm the kind of employee that i am, she knows that i'd never say such a thing to her if it weren't 100% true, so i'm working monday-thursday next week then am off for a week. i don't think i'm going to do anything - i just need the time off.
not to mention the fact that i helped mikeb move today. the chaos of the experience (and this was a smoothly run one with lots of help and good spirits) has doubly inspired me to go through my belongings and do away with anything superfluous.
i, my friends, own a lot of crap.
i've been living on my own more or less since i was sixteen years old. i did jettison a great deal of it when i moved down here, but i still have reams and reams and piles of *stuff*.
especially books.
and clothes.
le sigh.
oh here's a blast from the past.... r- has been trying to hook up with me in the ... erm ... biblical sense all weekend. this only happens when he's either a) broken up with his gf; b) not getting along with his gf; or c) away from his gf for a few days. i declined the opportunity. yay me....
vendredi, juillet 7
i don't know if you're looking for romance, or
so i think that the only really *bad* experience i've had with this whole online dating experiment is the stalker guy - you know, the one i was mentioning who was texting me all the time, and telling me he missed me, and crap like that. i basically turned him into an interesting anecdote - my lava horror story, if you will - and promptly forgot about him beyond that.
yesterday, out of the blue, he resurfaced. i received an email which read, simply, 'oh and by the way, you are full of shit.'
now i've not been in the *best* of moods these past few days, and something in me snapped upon reading this. i basically laid into him, saying that if he thought he wanted the truth from me then fine - here it is, and i laid out for him how he reeked of desperation, and that his 'i miss you' neediness was pathetic. i told him to grow some balls.
this, of course, isn't the smartest thing to do when one is dealing with the mentally unstable.
he responded back with a bagload of vitriol - basically calling into question my morals and my abilities in the bedroom (ha!). i told him he had a small dick, and that he was crazy. he started foaming at the mouth, his eyes rolled back in his head, and his body began flopping about as though he was channelling the psychic energy of a semi-putrid mackeral (ok i don't know what he did just there - i made that up). i asked him why he couldn't deal with the fact that i just wasn't interested. i said we'd gotten drunk and made out, and i regretted it. i told him that i'd tried to muster up some interest and couldn't, and that we were both adults so he should just deal.
he responded very cryptically: "fucking freak. see you at the village tonight".
what the fuck?
what does THAT mean?
i don't know if i should be looking over my shoulder every time i leave the house, or if he mistakenly emailed me at the very beginning when he was *actually* stalking and tormenting yet another unsuspecting female.
either way - i deleted my online profiles. it's left a bad taste in my mouth.
yesterday, out of the blue, he resurfaced. i received an email which read, simply, 'oh and by the way, you are full of shit.'
now i've not been in the *best* of moods these past few days, and something in me snapped upon reading this. i basically laid into him, saying that if he thought he wanted the truth from me then fine - here it is, and i laid out for him how he reeked of desperation, and that his 'i miss you' neediness was pathetic. i told him to grow some balls.
this, of course, isn't the smartest thing to do when one is dealing with the mentally unstable.
he responded back with a bagload of vitriol - basically calling into question my morals and my abilities in the bedroom (ha!). i told him he had a small dick, and that he was crazy. he started foaming at the mouth, his eyes rolled back in his head, and his body began flopping about as though he was channelling the psychic energy of a semi-putrid mackeral (ok i don't know what he did just there - i made that up). i asked him why he couldn't deal with the fact that i just wasn't interested. i said we'd gotten drunk and made out, and i regretted it. i told him that i'd tried to muster up some interest and couldn't, and that we were both adults so he should just deal.
he responded very cryptically: "fucking freak. see you at the village tonight".
what the fuck?
what does THAT mean?
i don't know if i should be looking over my shoulder every time i leave the house, or if he mistakenly emailed me at the very beginning when he was *actually* stalking and tormenting yet another unsuspecting female.
either way - i deleted my online profiles. it's left a bad taste in my mouth.
jeudi, juillet 6
if you don't consent to just let it be
oh my oh my but i am sleepy as all get out, and am deep in the throes of a highly impressive cranky. which is interesting 'cause last night i was on a second date with a boy who i immediately felt comfortable with - like as i entered the restaurant for brunch on sunday and gave him a big hug and apologized for my late-ness, i felt as if i'd known him a thousand years, not six seconds. last night was the same - laid back date full of laughing and him treating me like a princess. he opened doors for me, wouldn't let me pay for anything, took me for gelato, let me pick the movie, and sat with me in the dark on a bunch of cushions eating dark chocolate and drinking my new favourite red wine - out of the bottle, even.
mind you i was in this cranky as i left work yesterday, and straight up until the point that i saw him standing on the side of the road in front of his condo so that i would know where i was going. then it simply evaporated, and didn't return until i walked through the doors of the office this morning. i could feel my legs become leaden with every step of the stairs - reaching the top was an effort, indeed, and as i sit here writing i know that it's only going to get worse as the day passes by. unfortunately the boy is going away for a few days and so i won't see him till the middle of next week at least. beware - may be a few days of righteous bitch coming up. i feel like samuel l in pulp fiction And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
le sigh.
mind you i was in this cranky as i left work yesterday, and straight up until the point that i saw him standing on the side of the road in front of his condo so that i would know where i was going. then it simply evaporated, and didn't return until i walked through the doors of the office this morning. i could feel my legs become leaden with every step of the stairs - reaching the top was an effort, indeed, and as i sit here writing i know that it's only going to get worse as the day passes by. unfortunately the boy is going away for a few days and so i won't see him till the middle of next week at least. beware - may be a few days of righteous bitch coming up. i feel like samuel l in pulp fiction And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
le sigh.
mardi, juillet 4
the sparkle in your eyes keeps me alive
besthoroscope
ever
With all the indecision you've been fighting lately, you may lose sight of the clear choices in front of you. The biggest is your choice to be happy. Reject the self-imposed standards you've been struggling with -- frankly, they're too unrealistic -- and choose to accept yourself. There is no such thing as perfection, and aiming for it is almost an insult to what you're right now. Cherish all your faults -- don't change the things you love about life.so i'm on the last day of my four day weekend. i've lost count of how much i've had to drink, and how much gelato i've eaten (heck i even went out and bought some yesterday to eat at home. i can have gelato and beer for breakfast, right? i mean, it *is* 7am).
today my dad is having surgery to begin this highly experimental treatment for depression called deep brain stimulation. my mom is already down at the hospital with him - he had to check in at 5.45am this morning - and then my brother, sister, and i are going down to hang out in a couple of hours. it scares the crap out of me - when they first started talking about it, it gave me total anxiety attacks to even be part of the conversation. now i can bring myself to *say* it, but i can't really *think* about it too much.
what's scariest for me is how much stake he's putting in this procedure. after the upswing at christmastime, and how distraught he was when it didn't last, i think he's put all his hope in this procedure. i have no idea what it will do to him if it doesn't work. he might just give up.
i couldn't say goodbye to him last night before i went for dinner with mike - i had to leave, then call and tell him on the phone that i loved him and how brave i think he is. if i'd done it in person i would have started crying and i don't know if i could have stopped, you know? i'm sure it will all be fine, but when you open up the brain there is just so much that could go wrong...
dimanche, juillet 2
take a sigh as long as the war's been going on in your heart tonight
wham bam two posts in a row. don't use this as a poor excuse to not hit the link down below and check-check-check out that sweet mashup. thanks ct over-dee for the tip.
so it's been an interesting weekend. i am now the happy owner of a macintosh g4 (i am torn between McIntoy and McAroni for names), as my (real life) little brother (as opposed to my spiritual lil brother) got a powerbook from my parents for grad. this type of hand-me-down i can SO live with. it's got a few issues - i guess there is a design flaw in some that make them randomly shut down on occasion. my papa thinks he has it fixed - it's been running since wednesday night, and i packed it around in my bag snuggled up against this one (unnamed 'cause it has no personality, really)(don't crap out on me now, baby....) with seemingly no adverse effects.
this is what i want to do today:
i want to put on a pretty sundress, go for brunch with someone who thinks that i rock and i'm the most beautiful girl in the world; i want to hold hands, wander around granville island, and do sunday sun-day things. yup. that's what i want to do. sadly it seems as though i'll be doing it on my own.
le sigh.
it always comes out the same.....
so it's been an interesting weekend. i am now the happy owner of a macintosh g4 (i am torn between McIntoy and McAroni for names), as my (real life) little brother (as opposed to my spiritual lil brother) got a powerbook from my parents for grad. this type of hand-me-down i can SO live with. it's got a few issues - i guess there is a design flaw in some that make them randomly shut down on occasion. my papa thinks he has it fixed - it's been running since wednesday night, and i packed it around in my bag snuggled up against this one (unnamed 'cause it has no personality, really)(don't crap out on me now, baby....) with seemingly no adverse effects.
this is what i want to do today:
i want to put on a pretty sundress, go for brunch with someone who thinks that i rock and i'm the most beautiful girl in the world; i want to hold hands, wander around granville island, and do sunday sun-day things. yup. that's what i want to do. sadly it seems as though i'll be doing it on my own.
le sigh.
it always comes out the same.....
vendredi, juin 30
put your hands up in the air, put your hands up in the air
donald glaude was so good last night. i love how he gets so involved in the show - lowering the music and shouting at the crowd, throwing his hands up, loving the vibe and the beat and the lights. add to this the fact that the divine ms u and i went berry picking in the sunshine, then had dinner on a patio with the sister and the sister's boyfriend and some other friends before heading out on the town and you have a contented sundae.
i was home at 2.35, in bed at 2.55, awake at 6.05. oops - half an hour late but whatevs, it's the summer. i NEED some sleep. like lots of sleep. like a solid 10-11 hours of sleep, and maybe some napping on the patio, and some corona. must stop at beer store on the way home.
i was also very good last night - not only did i keep the drinking to a bare minimum, but a hot 28yr old tried ever so hard to take me home. i revelled in the attention then left on my own. i will, however, catch some shit from my sister; it doesn't matter that i totally did not initiate the contact or pursue it in any way (au contraire, mes amies - exactly the opposite), she'll be pissed at me for it. i need to have the 'you and i are different. you need to stop making me feel like shit because you don't understand who i am, since i never do that to you' conversation with her. le sigh.
when someone has my attention they really do have it. i must endeavour, however, to keep myself at least moderately detatched until i know more about this person. he seems so.... transparent is not the word i'm looking for. i don't know - i guess he just seems to be exactly who he says he is. this is refreshing, because that is how i strive to be. the whole game playing aspect to dating wearies me - if i like you i like you. i'm not going to pretend to be indifferent to make you want me more. see, this is why i'd make a horrible sales person. i'm just not good at the catch-and-release.
this is my horoscope today:
ah well - my brain is non-functioning, it's the friday before the long weekend, it's beautifully sunny, and i'm wearing pigtails. this calls for more coffee and a little craigslist surfing for fun household goods...
i was home at 2.35, in bed at 2.55, awake at 6.05. oops - half an hour late but whatevs, it's the summer. i NEED some sleep. like lots of sleep. like a solid 10-11 hours of sleep, and maybe some napping on the patio, and some corona. must stop at beer store on the way home.
i was also very good last night - not only did i keep the drinking to a bare minimum, but a hot 28yr old tried ever so hard to take me home. i revelled in the attention then left on my own. i will, however, catch some shit from my sister; it doesn't matter that i totally did not initiate the contact or pursue it in any way (au contraire, mes amies - exactly the opposite), she'll be pissed at me for it. i need to have the 'you and i are different. you need to stop making me feel like shit because you don't understand who i am, since i never do that to you' conversation with her. le sigh.
when someone has my attention they really do have it. i must endeavour, however, to keep myself at least moderately detatched until i know more about this person. he seems so.... transparent is not the word i'm looking for. i don't know - i guess he just seems to be exactly who he says he is. this is refreshing, because that is how i strive to be. the whole game playing aspect to dating wearies me - if i like you i like you. i'm not going to pretend to be indifferent to make you want me more. see, this is why i'd make a horrible sales person. i'm just not good at the catch-and-release.
this is my horoscope today:
It's all about coordination -- put yourself in the middle of any chaos, and you will thrive. As a matter of fact, the wilder the energy is around you, the happier you will be. While others are pulling out their hair or panicking over a tight deadline, you'll be like a machine -- coolly putting all the pieces exactly where they need to be. You have finally mastered the skills you've been working on for so long, so get ready for a new phase of contentedness.it's an interesting one to read since i have begun to feel a general acceptance of who i am and where i am - something that has been missing in my life for the past while. this is not to say that i am becoming complacent - if anything, i find myself in much the same state of mind i was in back when i was excited by my education and my future; back when i felt in control of my destiny rather than like a dustmote dancing in sunshine. some of it may have to do with having concrete goals to work towards (though if i am going to save a tidy enough nest egg to have a furnished home in a couple of months, i really have to cut down on the going out. two nights in a row is quite out of control on my new-found budget.)
ah well - my brain is non-functioning, it's the friday before the long weekend, it's beautifully sunny, and i'm wearing pigtails. this calls for more coffee and a little craigslist surfing for fun household goods...
jeudi, juin 29
when the dares pick a victim, the railroad blues will play
oh man oh man i need some sleep, kids. i've been averaging 4.5 - 5 hours a night for a week now, and it's starting to wear on my psyche... which is to say that my eyes have that sandpaper feeling, my tongue seems too big for my mouth, and my hands are shaking like a crackhead at a plumbers' convention...
i've officially decided to not take yoga this summer, and put the money instead towards buying some of the housewares i shall need for my impending move. i'd really like to go away this weekend, too, but can't for the same reason. also 'cause one of the two people (mikeb) i'd like to go away with is going away with someone else (more on that in a moment) and the other (i believe) has to work. the whole no-structured yoga thing means that i'm going to have to try and be more diligent about actually doing some at home or else i will become fat, and not the in the fun ph-way: let's not kid - i'm a 5'3 blonde. a ghetto booty would just be a step into madness on this body.
so mikeb is going away with one of his ex-girlfriends this weekend. this concerns me on a couple of levels. now, keep in mind that mike is like me. he will always give people the benefit of the doubt before he acts to protect himself. he's as bad as i am at seeing people's ulterior motives when they have to do with him. so.. he sticks up for me and i'm intensely protective of him. heck someone's gotta do it, 'cause neither one of us is doing it for ourselves...
so my issues: first off, mikeb has held onto this girl as the epitome of women he wants to date. i worry that he has, in retrospect, put her up on a pedestal that won't hold in real life. it's good to have these people in the back of your mind - they give you standards to work with when dating. i'm not sure, however, that it is good to actually revisit *dating* these people: what happens when they (as they surely will) fail to live up to your memory of them? not only will your illusions be shattered, but your whole dating paradigm will become tarnished.
secondly, i'm not sure i trust this girl with my mike. i don't know what her intentions are, and i know that (since mike does have rose coloured glasses on when this girl is involved) she has the power to hurt him. i know that she has done it in the past year. i won't stand for it again. i will cut her in pertinant places, duct tape her hands, feet, and mouth, and drag her out to the swamp for the alligators.
now mikeb is a big boy and he's free, of course, to make his own decisions and even though i love him with all my heart i cannot shelter him (even though i want to) from hurt and heartbreak. however, he is my best friend and i do have these reservations and i've told him exactly how i feel. i've tried to make sure that, when i get agitated at him spending time with this person, he knows that i'm not judging him or questioning him, i'm just being defensive of him and trying to act as a best friend should - ultimately i will stand by him whatever he decides to do, and be here to support and/or console him if necessary, or celebrate wtih him if that is the case.
the female, however, has some work to do before i'll consider her anything less than poison.
mercredi, juin 28
it's curtains for the cretins when they cut these strings
so last week i managed to catch part of my favourite documentaries (legendary sin cities - produced by the cbc). it was part one of three, and talked about the artistic culture of paris in the 20's (a subject near and dear to my heart, as you know). last night i lucked out and happened upon part 2 - berlin in the 20s and thirties... fascinating stuff. it amazes me how a society will take itself to the brink of decadence (liberation?) and then be repressed so dramatically in retaliation... i bring this up for no reason other than the fact that i'm going to see cabaret this evening and am kinda excited. whoops kinda lost the plot there, didn't i? lol (you can't tell, but i actually forgot i was writing this and wandered away for an hour)
ok i'll try and give a review of the show etc later.... xo
mardi, juin 27
sweat box, laser beam, flashin lights
he's probably reading this right now thinking about the same thing i'm thinking about not knowing how it makes me feel... that deep down guilty hand in the cookie jar feeling springing up from the dark places in your psyche. this sensation is the reason that sometimes, sometimes, you leave the blinds just... cracked... slightly. why when your soon to be lover comes to visit, you go into the next room to change and oops forget to close the door. why when you are out you sometimes let your top slip a little deeper skirt ride a little higher hands brush lightly linger a little too long.
will he catch me? does he know? can he see.... this?
will he catch me? does he know? can he see.... this?
lundi, juin 26
and never kissed a girl
so now that i've 'outed' my self and my blog to someone i'm interested in, i'm wondering to myself in what ways it will impact the way i write. it's not like mikeb - he's known me from the beginning of this thing, reads sporadically if ever, and... well... accepts me for who i am - midnight escapades, temper tantrums, navel gazing and all. he's my bestest friend - that's what he's supposed to do.
i could never, on the other hand, tell the sister about it. if she ever found out, i would have to cease and desist immediately and go into hiding - like we're talking witness protection program hiding - like all of a sudden spo has an.... australian roommate. yeah, australian. that's it. pass the fosters and throw another shrimp on the barbie. (i know, i know.. it's a prahhhwwwwnnn not a shrimp)
anyhoo.
yeah, so how will this work? if we ended up dating long term, would i be afraid to write about stuff we'd done or said, or if i was unhappy about something, or angry about something?
(i asked him yesterday if he'd found the sex stuff yet. he said no, then asked if he might end up in here, if we were to.. erm.. you know. when i said yes he seemed ok with that fact. which, i thought, was cool.)
i mean this blog is still... 70% true. and even some of the stuff that isn't true has a kernel of truth hidden within it. but i don't reveal *every*thing that happens to me, or that i think about or feel or experience here. shocking, i know. if i did, though, i'd just be here all day long and never have a chance to go out and live, so, inevitably, would not really have anything to write about, anyway. which would kind of defeat the point, wouldn't it?
i could never, on the other hand, tell the sister about it. if she ever found out, i would have to cease and desist immediately and go into hiding - like we're talking witness protection program hiding - like all of a sudden spo has an.... australian roommate. yeah, australian. that's it. pass the fosters and throw another shrimp on the barbie. (i know, i know.. it's a prahhhwwwwnnn not a shrimp)
anyhoo.
yeah, so how will this work? if we ended up dating long term, would i be afraid to write about stuff we'd done or said, or if i was unhappy about something, or angry about something?
(i asked him yesterday if he'd found the sex stuff yet. he said no, then asked if he might end up in here, if we were to.. erm.. you know. when i said yes he seemed ok with that fact. which, i thought, was cool.)
i mean this blog is still... 70% true. and even some of the stuff that isn't true has a kernel of truth hidden within it. but i don't reveal *every*thing that happens to me, or that i think about or feel or experience here. shocking, i know. if i did, though, i'd just be here all day long and never have a chance to go out and live, so, inevitably, would not really have anything to write about, anyway. which would kind of defeat the point, wouldn't it?
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