geyser

i'm bubbling over with a nervous anxiety for which there is no real source. ran away to mike b - curled up in his arms and tried to talk talk talk it away but to no avail. i simply poured food over it in the hopes that i could pack it down, pack it down.

i looked at you across the table last night - i looked at you and thought to myself this could be somebody. you could be somebody. (of course you're somebody, why wouldn't you be? you are somebody with a past and a present and a future and my place in those places is.. ephemeral at best. you're somebody and i'm somebody and the real question is can we be somebody together?)

you see, i'm very empathetic. i can pick up on people's moods like a divining rod zeros in on butterfly tears. but i don't know how, you see, i've never been taught what to do with that information - how to detach your feelings from my feelings and realize that sometimes people shine dark purple for reasons that are their own and have nothing to do with me. ("can i tell you the secret of life?" she asked... "of course". "it's not all about you")

so this morning i came home and got in the shower and started to think - my brain started running down that same old trail thinking about how i only really like the ones that are no good and so what does that say about you when i like you this much? then it got all tangled up in my head and my heart started to pound and hands shaking and breathing shallow and i ran to mike to calm me down, talk me down.

- "can you tell me why you like him?"
- "no.. i just do. i just feel very comfortable when i'm with him. it just feels right. and he makes me laugh".
- "maybe if you don't know then you don't really."
- "maybe. i just don't know what to do."
- "maybe you don't have to do anything at all."