here's the answer:

the rune i pulled today was perth (initiation, secret affairs)..

This Rune is associated with the Phoenix, the mystical bird that consumes itself in the fire to later rise from its own ashes. Powerful forces of change and renovation are in movement.

On the side of the mundane, there will probably be surprises such as sudden gains or the start of an unexpected relationship. On the spiritual side, it is time to rise above yourself, above ordinary living, in order to acquire a wider vision. Perth reminds you that the external is unimportant, except when it is a reflection of the internal.

so what was the question?

kind of like playing doctor, but different

first off, i have to say thank you thank you to the denizens of chez citrus for having me to stay this weekend. i had an amazing time - the company was superlative, the environment welcoming and cozy as always, and the party was fun fun fun.

i spent a good chunk of the evening playing operation with the surfer boy. see, the lime decided to turn this into a drinking game - every time you tried to get one of the bones out and missed, you had to take a drink. now, i kicked his ass like 5 times in a row (well, four, but i gave him one as a pity win). after a while, neither one of us were drinking, it was just about getting the damn things out of the body, you know? my bloodpressure skyrocketed - every time the thing buzzed i about jumped out of my skin. surfer boy joked at one point 'you don't even like this game - you are just using it as an excuse to lean on my so you can seduce me'. to which i responded "dude, if i was trying to seduce you i would have let you win by now". mind you, in retrospect.. maybe he was letting me win?

the costumes were all fabulous - mike b as the slutty girl guide and miss l. as the slutty brownie; there was a little red riding hood with a fur trimmed cape that i coveted, the hip hop chiquita and her illfated rocker love and, of course, me in my little devil outfit with my sparkly pink horns. which, i am proud to say, i managed to avoid losing over the course of the evening. how cool is that?

it has been a good weekend for my 'attractiveness to the opposite sex' meter - the date on thursday, surfer boy last night, and, on friday, the cute boy from the wrong part of town who tried to get me to go home with him ("you live where?" "(**insert name of mystery suburb here**)" "um, i think i'm just gonna go home thanx")... all i can say is... mr who?

spoooooookkkyyyy

yay! i'm off, the lime is off and it's oh so the friday before hallowe'en... tonight i'm heading over to lemon's to help decorate and drink wine and chat up a storm, and tomorrow shall be brunch and the big party and and and.. who knows?

i'm addicted to various on line future predictor sort of toys- you know, horoscopes, tarot readings, things like that. recently i've discovered a 'rune a day' sort of thing, so check it whenever i have a question rolling around in my head. ok i'm going to give this previous statement a caveat, so you don't think that mr. m has finally thrown me off the edge mentally - i don't think these things will tell me my future, or give me the answers to life's questions. however they are an interesting way to focus your thoughts - they give you an avenue to explore mentally when you are having trouble 'cause your brain is all swirly.

so anyhooo... this all comes up cause i had a date last night (more on that later). i have been quite reluctant to date in the last couple of months, cause i've been so conflicted over mr. m - i don't think it's fair to myself or to my potential man-of-the-hour. but last night i went out. and had an ok time, but found my thoughts getting tangled up in mr. m - feeling sort of guilty, stuff like that. then he called me this morning to say hi, expanding those feelings. when i hung up the phone, i did the focus on the question exercise and hit the button. this was the result:

Fortune smiles, and nice surprises will arrive unexpectedly. Something positive is on its way, something that is totally deserved. You will probably receive awards, maybe a promotion, an acknowledgement or a gift. There is hope and joy. There are fulfilled promises and dreams come true. There is grace and forgiveness.

Maybe some type of partnership is about to be born. If this is the case, Gebo reminds you to keep your individuality: remember that true partnership occurs when two beings form a team, each one retaining their own singularity.

what does this remind me of? well, that the important thing is that i'm about to spend a weekend with three of my favourite people in the world. that something new and fun is *always* just around the corner. that who i really want is someone as strong in their convictions and sense of self as i am, who can form a killer-kick-ass-people-taking on the world team with me and my friends, and that if you can't fit in, then you should just step aside.

and then, as i was sipping my coffee, i came across a great article in the newspaper about a canadian thinker that i have worked with, and like and respect and think the world of. he studies quality of life issues, but focuses his research on what makes people happy. the article closed with this great quotation, about how he thinks that, in the end, happiness depends on your perception. He said "Two people can look at a sunset. One person can see the sun going down, and the other person can see something beautiful happening. I've tried to look for the beauty".

now, if i was to believe in such things, i'd say that i've had some pretty significant guidance today. and it's not even 9am. who knows what the weekend will bring?

perplexed

questions i have heard in the last week:

Q:

"if we don't kiss it doesn't really count as sex, right? i won't really be fucking you, will i?"

A:

no, of course not. it just means that you are pretending you are with a PROSTITUTE. but putting your penis in me doesn't count as sex, so you can go home and kiss your wife and pretend like it's all ok. no worries.

Q:

"what happens if we meet and we only want to have sex?"

A:

what happens if we meet and we don't want to have sex? or, more likely, if you want to have sex with me, but i would rather see newly's elderly cleaning lady naked than you? then what, huh?

*shakes head in bewilderment*. tch. men.

i mean it

ok seriously folks. i need a distraction. send me a boy - a handsome, smart, and not too fucked up man to while away my time with. cause i gotta tell you, this seeing mr. m every day and pretending like everything is slap-happy is soul destroying. *seriously*.

if you are a boy or you know a boy who fits those categories (and yes i KNOW mike b fits those categories. he's off limits) please ask him to email me post haste. i'm cute, smart, funny, a great cook, and i give a really good... never mind. forget it. i'm off to the spca to adopt a cat or twelve.

why yes, yes i am

You're Bettie Page!


What Classic Pin-Up Are You?



thanks swizzalish!

check this:

what if "to kill a mockingbird" were written as a blog?

sweaters

there's something sexy about a woman in a well-fitted sweater, isn't there? as a (rather well endowed) adolescent, i used to have a particularly impressive collection of sweaters - most soft and fuzzy. i had a 'fan' who used to try and meet up with me first thing every morning to see which one i was wearing. his favourite was this scoop-necked cream confection with a fitted body that flaired out lightly over the hips and loose sleeves that came down over my knuckles. come to think of it, that sweater was one of my faves, too - warm, snuggly, and people liked to touch it.

i still have a fairly decent collection of sweaters, and they tend to lean towards fabrics that make people want to pet me. just last night i picked up two new ones - both cashmere blends. one's a great clay blue colour, and the other striped in great fall colours. normally i veer away from horizontal stripes (they tend to turn me into raspberry the walking breast) but this one has a v-neck cut deep enough that it breaks up that nasty effect. so i'm pretty excited. both are rather fitted - not so much that i can't wear them to work, but enough that paul (my highschool sweater fetishist) would be suitably impressed.

(i love consumer therapy... )

what it is about sweaters that *is* so sexy? i think for me it's that i'm wearing clothes that make me eminantly touchable. when i'm wearing clothes that i know *i* like to touch, i know that *other* people like to touch them (i.e. me) too. and feel free, by the way. once you have been welcomed into my comfort zone (i get anxious when strangers touch me, but am very cuddly with my friends) i welcome snuggles and petting of all sorts. anyhooo... i'm going to wear the stripy one today. we'll see what happens, huh?

costco

so i spent this evening wandering in this bastion of cut rate super sized consumer therapy, and found two things within the aisles that i thought worth sharing..

1) a jumbo sized jar of 'pork fluff'. don't ask me, i have no idea, but it made me laugh so hard that i cried and almost brought it home.

2) this arc shaped massager, that had these two vibrating balls at the centre, about 3 inches apart. i couldn't help but think of how you would, erm, apply that to strategic areas of the female anatomy. and gently rock it back and forth. while it vibrates. *whew!* (fans self) is it hot in here?

insane cuz o' brain-pain

so i've had this headache since (as i mentioned previously) saturday - specifically, sometime mid afternoon as i wandered in the sunshine with my bag full of natural food grocery goodies sipping a latte. it was round about that point that it dawned on me that i had crossed a line with mr. m and i probably wasn't going to be able to cross back, even if he did come dancing up begging for forgiveness for the last couple of months of hell. it struck me like a lightning bolt behind the ear and sort of has been stabbing at me since then. i took so much pain relief medication that i actually made myself sick to the stomach, then realized that it was probably a stress based thing that would have to sort itself out and gave up on the pharmaceuticals (sorry, newly - maybe if you'd shared your cookies...)

sunday and yesterday were bearable - well yesterday, as the day carried on, it became less so - then i woke up this morning and tried to lift my head off the pillow and became convinced that someone had snuck into my room and impaled my brain on a railway spike like some sort of grey matter popsicle. so i stayed home. it is hanging around in waves - sort of comes and goes - but i think i shall be better tomorrow.

the point to this story is that i'm now at that exhausted state you get when faced with prolonged physical pain. you know, the kind in which you want to be surrounded by warm quilts, with tea in a carafe just within reach, a steady supply of good novels to peruse, brainless yet entertaining films on the tv, and someone to curl up with you and make sympathetic noises while fluffing your pillows. i hate that point. mr m did message me this morning when he realized i was not at my desk (and yes, this probably means that he went looking for me) to say he hoped i was feeling better. which was nice, but... not the same. however, the truth of the matter is that a quick sympathetic message is the best i could have hoped for from him - even without the saturday epiphany. and, honestly, that's just not enough for me. so i'm glad i had my epiphany, cause otherwise i'd be sitting here exhausted and feelign more sorry for myself than i already do. you can't be upset when people refuse to give you what you expect them to, if it is more than they have to give. you just have to understand the limits of their involvement and decide if it is enough for you. if it is, you accept that and move on - you can't hold it against them. if it isn't, *you* move on and don't hold it against them. so, that's what i'm trying to do.

will i relapse and feel crappy? of course. i love him. but i'm not willing to accept the fact that the limits of what he has to offer me are so easy to reach. to quote the deftones "i feel like more".

parent - teacher evenings

well, unlike the far more civilized school of mr newly's offspring, the kiddo's school did not serve me wine. they did eat mandarin oranges in front of me though. damn them all. however, they did give me the reassuring news that, despite his stubborn resistance to finishing all tasks math in nature, my son is doing well in his classes. indeed, they were discussing his potential future in the "arts 101" program at ubc - a highly focused program that combines history, english and philosophy, or a political science program at one of the local colleges. it's neat to hear educators talking about how impressed they are with your 15yr old's grasp of politics and current events, and his quality as a writer.

aside from that, i am home sick with a headache today. i believe that my headache may be about 6' tall and be commonly referred to as 'mr married' hereabouts. actually that's not entirely true, but i do think that the fact that my headache originated around the same time as i decided to tell him i've finally had enough of his games can't possibly be that coincidental, you know?

grr

i'm pretty sure that george stroumboulopolis could convince me that George Bush Sr was the greatest canadian who ever lived. grrrrrrrr...

can it

ok so despite my brave front of yesterday, seeing him today still felt like crap. though i did give him a whole-hearted piece of my mind, which felt good, at least at first.

you know, i always feel crappy when i say things that hurt people - even if they are true things; even if i'm responding to cruelty; even if i'm defending myself. i can't help it - i feel guilty and awful and like a very bad person. i'm stricken by the overwhelming compulsion to apologize. where does this come from? is it part of my indoctrination as a card carrying female that i should always be meek and mild and never stand up for myself? arrrg.

anyway, i'm back to feeling strong about not being with him, though melancholic about once again being alone. i was pondering the idea of putting up a counter - sort of one of those "x number of days till the end of the world" type dealios, but to chronicle how long i go with out actual sex. (for a second there i wrote *can* go without sex. that's just fucking sick. who would do such a thing intentionally?)(no pun intended there, by the way.) i think that currently i'm at, erm, (must take fingers off keyboard to count) 10 sex-free days. as opposed to ten free sex days, which would be much happier, in my humble opinion. mind you, if the number get's too depressing someone make me stop counting. that can't be good for me. or for you - no one needs to witness *that* particular car wreck, if you know what i'm saying...

rainy sundae

today i was supposed to go watch someone run in the richmond flatlands race, but... i slept in. yes that makes two days in a row. ok today it was only 8am that i slept till, but dammit that's still sleeping in for me. so, i feel bad, and i shall apologize profusely tomorrow when i see him, but obviously i needed the sleep. in fact, i didn't go anywhere last night - i curled up in my bed with a bag of sunchips (such a guilty pleasure: cheese *and* corn), watched saturday night tv, finished off a novel, and was asleep before midnight. and, i might add, slept straight through till quarter of eight. i haven't done that in god knows how long.

it is amazing the difference a week makes, huh? this time last week i was already elbow deep in banana cream pie preparation, and was feeling particuarly miserable cause of mr. married's lack of communication. this week, while he did call me for a brief chat yesterday evening, i find that i'm pretty much apathetic about the situation. while i love him lots, and still miss him and miss hanging out with him, i just am not prepared to deal with the emotional baggage that goes with him, i guess, and am coming to that conclusion more and more firmly.

i wish *this* week was thanksgiving weekend, though, so i would only be halfway through my fourday weekend, and i would be upstairs cooking up a storm. i love cooking for people. i wish i could throw dinner parties once a week - ok that'd get expensive - once a month and have interesting vibrant people come to my home and drink wine and have amazing conversations. kind of like an algonquin round table sort of thing, but at my house and with more food and not so much alcoholism.

some friends (lemon, lime, mike b) and i always talk about what we'd do if one of us won the lottery, and sort of fantasize about buying this massive house and living in this quasi-communal household. i *love* that idea, because i really like having people in the house. i like having my own space, and have an intense need for privacy, but i crave the intellectual stimulation that comes with living with and being surrounded by intelligent creative people. i think with the right people you can easily balance those two needs. i also know it's just a pipe dream but hey, that's what "what would i do if i won the lottery" fantasies are all about, right?

horoscope

this is a good one -

"Because of changing circumstances that directly impact your life, you may be feeling somewhat insecure these days. But instead of trying to jump into the driver's seat, just stay cool. Remind yourself that changing your mind or position is not a sign of weakness but, when done correctly, a sign of strength. Loved ones, associates or partners seem to have taxed your patience to the limit recently. But the stars are endowing you with the inner strength you need to lay down a few new laws -- including your right to a peaceful existence. A changing work situation holds promise, and this week, a few well-placed words will make all the difference."

not-so-early in the morning

ok, so i seem to be afflicted with whatever disease the lemon has come down with. i came home at four, and did not lift my pretty raspberry head until after 9.30 this morning. what's wrong with me?!

so last night i went out with some work type folks to see a band and do a little drinking. i ended up sitting on a velvet couch snuggled up between n¹ and another handsome fellow from our office. as the bar closed, a handful of us wandered off to a local club to dance to some electro-house music... i found myself on the dance floor as the only girl with four, count'em four of the best looking men at my company. and we have some handsome men.

n¹ was quite, erm, interested, over the course of the evening. and i definately picked up on some flirty vibes from the other couch boy... but i declined both opportunities. i just wanted to go home and crawl into my comfy bed and sleep in. ok there. i said it. i WANTED to sleep in. however, n¹ did mention that he may want to come dancing with ms. u and i this evening. so.. things may progress.

the added perk to the whole n¹ flirtation is that mr. m has a particular beef with Nsquared. i'm not sure where it comes from but it's there. so.. he knew i was going out with them last night, and so will probably not speak to me all weekend. but whatever - i'm tired of the whole situation. you can only apply so much positive energy to an emotional black hole before it's no longer a fun experiment, you know?

anyhoo... it's getting late, and i'm still in my jammies. i can't decide if this is to be the theme for today, or if i should get off my keister and get a plan. but i should start thinking about it, anyway, huh?

i love the fact

that when you google 'raspberry sundae' you come up with hits for me, flowers, and ice cream - and i come first. what could be sweeter?

rip

somehow, it slipped my attention that a man responsible for much of my faith in humanity passed away a few days ago. this man was at least indirectly responsible for forming some of my most closely held opinions on the nature of humanity, and our place in the philosophical world. no, of course i don't mean christopher reeve (though i do have some highly tasteless jokes, if you are interested). i mean...

"Il n'y a pas de hors-texte."

farewell, sir jacques. we shall miss you...

faster than a speeding bullet

so i kind of posed a theoretical question to my former thesis supervisor today... i sort of asked him if sort of how it would work if i sort of maybe though about perhaps going back to school to finish my degree.

he's apparently got me signed up, practically, and has told my brother (who's attending at my former school) who promptly mentioned it to my folks, who came rushing down the stairs to see what i was up to....

folks! i'm committment-phobic! yer freakin me out!!

insert noise created by disbelieving vomitting action here

what are you twelve? you don't just disappear from people's lives and then send them cryptic emails saying you care about them and didn't mean to hurt them. and give me back my fucking garden state cd. i want to listen to 'such great heights' and wallow in my misery.

early sundae

good morning folks... i'm just sitting here waiting for my coffee to brew so i can get a jump start on the thanksgiving feast. i've got big plans for the who-beast, and stuffing to make, and a banana cream pie, and more starchy vegetables than you can shake a stick at, but i wanted to say 'hi' before i started to kick dinner's ass.

so when i came back from pg i told mr. m that i was going to start seeing other people... that i was going to stop putting my life on hold till he figured his shit out. of course, this was met with a great deal of angst on his part, and, i'm sure, played no little part in his upswinging the roller coaster the last time... but i really do think it's time. it's not fair of him to leave me hanging all the time, and i hate sitting at home anticipating a visit or a phone call that may or may not materialize. it's one thing to spend saturday night curled up watching vids when you have someone curled up around you. it's another thing entirely to do it on your own too often. and i gotta tell you - this up and down thing is depressing the hell out of me. i'm practically demobilized.

so... long story short, i think i'm back on the scene, kids. if you know any cute boys, send 'em my way.

gobble gobble

so mike b and i are hosting thanksgiving festivities tomorrow here chez raspberry. if you find yourself turkey-less, please feel free to join us. i'm not actually sure how many people will be attending... maybe 5 or 6? i will assuredly cook more than is humanly possible for that many people to eat. i always do...

last night i was talking to mr. m on the phone, trying to set a timeline for this 'thing' that we've got going on... i thought to myself "self, check out your journal.. there'll for sure be a starting point in there". so i did. six months.. almost seven. how crazy is that? over half a year we've been riding this rollercoaster. no wonder it's so hard to get off... it's a pattern, a habit. funny how good habits are hard to make, and bad habits are hard to break.

i've been listening to the garden state soundtrack, and there's a cover of the postal service song 'such great heights' on it. it's very quiet and acoustic, and very pretty: "i'm thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned..." how pretty is that? i wish i wish someone would right stuff like that about me. that would be amazing, huh?

174th

the fact that, even though he has the mental capacity of that pop can (no, that one. no the one over there. never mind) he always made an effort to understand me when i talked 'smart'. twice in the last week i have started talking about stuff at work (movies, books, whatever) from a critical perspective (hellooooo - advanced education in cultural studies and literary analysis here folks) and had someone tell me that they stopped listening when i started talking about that "crap". it makes me miss people who are interested in the stuff i know. lots.

for example this lovely girl wrote a poem i really liked. it made me think of denise levertov, and her rhythms and way with words. however, i have no one to really talk about it with - to read the poem too and talk about how i can listen to the words and close my eyes and hear the hiss of the tires on the pavement; how i can almost - almost - lean back in my chair and look to my right and see the flash flash blur of the streetlights reflected in the raindrops on the car window. so, i'll just post the levertov poem here.

merritt parkway

As if it were
forever that they move, that we
keep moving -

Under a wan sky where
as the lights went on a star
pierced the haze & now
follows steadily
a constant
above our six lanes
the dreamlike continuum...

and the people - ourselves!
the humans from inside the
cars, apparent
only at gasoline stops
unsure
eyeing each other

drink coffee hastily at the
slot machines & hurry
back to the cars
vanish
into them forever, to
keep moving -

Houses now & then beyond the
sealed road, the trees / trees, bushes
passing by, passing
the cars that
keep moving ahead of
us, past us, pressing behind us
and
over left, those that come
toward us shining too brightly
moving relentlessly

in six lanes, gliding
north & south, speeding with
a slurred sound -

the 173rd thing i miss about my crazy exboyfriend

walking in the fog, at night, drinking chai and holding hands (the kind of hand holding where both of your hands are tucked up inside the sleeve of his jacket).

so on my way home this evening, i noticed that the sky to the south was very grey and quite hazy. i immediately attributed this to the impending big-bang-boom of mt st helens. please note that i was not listening to the radio (was yodelling ecstatically off tune along to 'sabotage') so had no idea whether or not i was correct in my assumption.

i came bursting in the door and announced to my housemates "thar she blows" or something equally eloquent. we flipped on the tv and, sure enough, the lead story on the evening news was about the blast of steam and ash which erupted earlier this afternoon. i was busy patting myself on the back for my meteorological powers of observation, when my dad poo-poo'd my idea.

"it's just an inversion he said. inversion my ass. typical prince george winter weather mythology: the mills have spewed sulphuric waste into the air. because it's so cold, the pollution settles on the city in a thick yellow soup like nothing dickensian london ever saw. the city fathers call it an "inversion". i call it like it is: pollution. stink. not the smell of money, the smell of industry. that, folks, is what cancer smells like.

this, i feel, is not the same sulphuric sputum of my childhood winters, but is it entirely coincidental that mt st helens erupted just to the south a few hours ago? i think not...

OH MY GOD

i have a new favourite song. go here and watch the deftones cover the cure's "if only tonight we could sleep". i think it changed my life.