insane cuz o' brain-pain

so i've had this headache since (as i mentioned previously) saturday - specifically, sometime mid afternoon as i wandered in the sunshine with my bag full of natural food grocery goodies sipping a latte. it was round about that point that it dawned on me that i had crossed a line with mr. m and i probably wasn't going to be able to cross back, even if he did come dancing up begging for forgiveness for the last couple of months of hell. it struck me like a lightning bolt behind the ear and sort of has been stabbing at me since then. i took so much pain relief medication that i actually made myself sick to the stomach, then realized that it was probably a stress based thing that would have to sort itself out and gave up on the pharmaceuticals (sorry, newly - maybe if you'd shared your cookies...)

sunday and yesterday were bearable - well yesterday, as the day carried on, it became less so - then i woke up this morning and tried to lift my head off the pillow and became convinced that someone had snuck into my room and impaled my brain on a railway spike like some sort of grey matter popsicle. so i stayed home. it is hanging around in waves - sort of comes and goes - but i think i shall be better tomorrow.

the point to this story is that i'm now at that exhausted state you get when faced with prolonged physical pain. you know, the kind in which you want to be surrounded by warm quilts, with tea in a carafe just within reach, a steady supply of good novels to peruse, brainless yet entertaining films on the tv, and someone to curl up with you and make sympathetic noises while fluffing your pillows. i hate that point. mr m did message me this morning when he realized i was not at my desk (and yes, this probably means that he went looking for me) to say he hoped i was feeling better. which was nice, but... not the same. however, the truth of the matter is that a quick sympathetic message is the best i could have hoped for from him - even without the saturday epiphany. and, honestly, that's just not enough for me. so i'm glad i had my epiphany, cause otherwise i'd be sitting here exhausted and feelign more sorry for myself than i already do. you can't be upset when people refuse to give you what you expect them to, if it is more than they have to give. you just have to understand the limits of their involvement and decide if it is enough for you. if it is, you accept that and move on - you can't hold it against them. if it isn't, *you* move on and don't hold it against them. so, that's what i'm trying to do.

will i relapse and feel crappy? of course. i love him. but i'm not willing to accept the fact that the limits of what he has to offer me are so easy to reach. to quote the deftones "i feel like more".