can it

ok so despite my brave front of yesterday, seeing him today still felt like crap. though i did give him a whole-hearted piece of my mind, which felt good, at least at first.

you know, i always feel crappy when i say things that hurt people - even if they are true things; even if i'm responding to cruelty; even if i'm defending myself. i can't help it - i feel guilty and awful and like a very bad person. i'm stricken by the overwhelming compulsion to apologize. where does this come from? is it part of my indoctrination as a card carrying female that i should always be meek and mild and never stand up for myself? arrrg.

anyway, i'm back to feeling strong about not being with him, though melancholic about once again being alone. i was pondering the idea of putting up a counter - sort of one of those "x number of days till the end of the world" type dealios, but to chronicle how long i go with out actual sex. (for a second there i wrote *can* go without sex. that's just fucking sick. who would do such a thing intentionally?)(no pun intended there, by the way.) i think that currently i'm at, erm, (must take fingers off keyboard to count) 10 sex-free days. as opposed to ten free sex days, which would be much happier, in my humble opinion. mind you, if the number get's too depressing someone make me stop counting. that can't be good for me. or for you - no one needs to witness *that* particular car wreck, if you know what i'm saying...