everyone

else has had more sex than me.

is there a doctor?

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Raspberryosis
Cause:	bee sting
Symptoms:	frequent tallness, extremely puce hair, mild sarcasm, anger
Cure:	take four paracetamol and come back in the morning
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

botticelli me

apparently, this is what i would have looked like if botticelli had painted my portrait. not bad, huh?

i hate budgets

i hate looking at my bank balance, and looking at my expenses, and seeing the all too small difference between them. meh. i have increased my student loan payments, you see, because i'm desparate to not have the debt for ten years. i have also arranged to have my income tax returns dumped directly onto the balance (a decision which is probably a good one, 'cause despite my yearly vows to use my return for good i ineveitably end up spending it on pretty much nothing and then regretting it. so i am feeling the pinch, a little. especially this weekend when the kiddo needs new kicks, and my sister is in town with her customary post-contract swollen bank account and starvation for stimulation and sushi and movies and fun. maybe if i offer to show my tits to the world i can take paypal donations. if i just show them to people, but don't let anyone *touch* them, i'm not contravening my celibacy decision, am i?

island babies

happy birthdays, you crazy kids xoxoxoxo

pondering

so i'm thinking of becoming celibate. yes i realize you must be having sex to give it up, technically, but right now it's a non-voluntary state. i'm thinking of making it voluntary.

i'm not sure why - i'm... seeking something. i have a general sense that something is missing in my life - some deeper sense of meaning or something. on the surface, things are going well (sound of vigorous wood-knocking abounds). i really like my new job; the kiddo is, well, as a 15 year old kid is; home is ok; money sucks but that's life; but i'm just.. uneasy in my skin. does this make sense?

i'm not sure what giving up sex will do - i think i'm just looking for a deeper connection to myself. and i'm aware that i have a shitty tendency to get involved with men that are really bad for me. so maybe if i stop altogether i'll figure something out in the meantime, you know?

of course, this will most likely come to a crashing halt in victoria next weekend. bad influences, those island folk.

shameless hinting about to commence

ok, kids. i need one of these.

longtime readers of maktaaq may recall that i have a fondness for aprons. i must admit, this fondness has, thus far, gone unrequited. i have only one apron - it's bright red and, i believe, originated at ikea. i'd like to rectify this situation, post haste. can somebody help me out? what's a girl gotta do to get an apron around here?

(did i mention that i got a box full of lindt chocolates in the mail today? some kind of free cellphone gift. how cool is that? there goes the diet...)

please try this at home

ok so i'm barrelling down the highway on my way to work, running late (as usual) and vaguely irritated because my creamo was off this morning even though it should have been good till saturday at least, when i hear the radio kids talking about how, according to some mucky muck out there, this week is supposed to be the most depressing of the year. now, i have some reservations with that statement - surely the week between christmas and new years, or perhaps the second week in february hold that honour? ANYhoo, for the sake of this prank please let's just take his word for it.

so they are talking about office pranks - you know, the harmless little ones that make your coworkers doubt their sanity, cut their morning coffee with scotch, and inaugurate "bring your chainsaw to work" day. one guy called in with the funniest prank idea i've heard in a while, so i'm challenging *some*body to go off and do it, then come back and tell me about it. i can't, you see. the people who work near me all lock their terminals when they leave their workstations. it's as if they don't trust me, or something.. very strange.

SO what you have to do is this: when your esteemed colleague abandons their seat in favour of the handicapped washroom, clutching last month's issue of maxim, pop into their seat and open MS Word. select the function in "tools" that allows you to do the quick word replace thing, and set it so that whenever they type something like, for example, unit, word will replace the word with "haha! you said unit!".

how freakin funny would that be?

the talk

we handed our menus to the waitress and settled back in our chairs with our drinks - coffee for me and iced tea for him. i leaned across the table, a bit, and cupped my mug in my hands, drawing confidence from its warmth. the restaurant was filled with the sounds of forks scraping the last bites of egg onto scraps of toast; of laughter; of shouts from the kitchen; of the espresso machine.

"i've been thinking," i said. the range of emotions which danced across his face was entrancing: terror, panic, hesitation, and, finally, resignation.

"oh ya?" he inquired, casting his gaze about the restaurant, clearly wishing he could be at any other table than the one at which he was currently seated.

"um, ya. you see..." i paused for a sip of coffee. he waited as i stirred some more sugar into the pungent brew. "you see, i sort of feel like i'm not doing a very good job at, um, equipping you for the outside world."

"phwah?" he sputtered on his tea.

"ya. i mean, you're fifteen years old. you can't do laundry, you can't cook. you never make your bed. what kind of mom have i been?"

"mom, it doesn't matter. who cares if i can't cook?" he leaned back in his seat, arm thrown over the back of chair beside him. his teen arrogance had returned now that he was sure this was a discussion that wouldn't involve personal revelations, the birds and the bees, or homework.

"no, no. i've been thinking". i stated - strongly now. "i've decided that, since you don't really do any of the chores you are *supposed* to be doing for your allowance, you can cook dinner every two weeks". i put my cup down on the table - surface catching surface with a sharp rap of finality.

"but mom.. what am i going to cook? i can't cook for grandpa and grandma - they don't like anything." petulance had entered his voice - this wasn't going according to plan at all.

"that's fine - you don't have to cook for them. just me, if you want. and, i promise, as long as you don't cook anything i'm allergic to, i'll eat it. i promise."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this evening i dined on thai red curry with tofu and veggies. and, i must say, it was delicious.

help, please

is there some list of rules of communication that you are supposed to follow when dealing with someone you slept with previously? i ask because, at lunch today, i was giving mr. m a good natured ribbing (as is my habit - it's sort of the basis of all of our lunchtime conversations. has been since we started having lunch together almost a year ago. and i'm not the only one - he's really easy to embarrass so most of our lunch group kind of delights in doing so.). see, i've noticed that, since christmas, he's been making changes with his appearance: growing a (rather sparse) goatee, undoing an extra button on his shirts, wearing a thick gold chain. today he was also sporting a gold bracelet. i asked "what's with the bling?" and wondered aloud whether or not he's having a mid-life crisis. now, i know the answer to that question, since i WAS his fucking mid life crisis (pun intended). but i said it rather good-naturedly, and the table laughed. he, however, got quite rude with me and it was pretty uncomfortable. so i pretty much rushed through my lunch and left the table.

now i'm wondering if, because he fucked me for 7 months or so, i'm no longer allowed to behave towards him the way i always have behaved to him, and everyone else for that matter. i'm wondering if he's operating under some set of unwritten rules that he's not seen fit to make me privy to. if so, i'd rather avoid that particular minefield entirely and just eat my lunch alone at my desk, thanks very much.

(see, if i was his wife i'd figure he's having another affair. so if i start getting irate phone calls again, i'll know what's up. unfortunately, i'll be clueless - not that she'll believe me. oh i hope she calls - i can say all of the really lovely things i held back when i was worried about upsetting mr. m)

now it's *your* turn!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
5.25

2. Diamonds or pearls?
pearls (i can't help it... i think they're pretty) but i'd really like an antique pink diamond in an art nouveau setting

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
the life aquatic

4. What is your favourite TV show at the moment?
csi baybee. and the original one, too. none of that vegas or new york knock off crap.
5. What did you have for breakfast?
nature's path organic instant oatmeal - the optimum zen stuff with blueberries and soy. mm i'm fully addicted.

6. What is your middle name?
..... no one needs to know this

7. What is your favourite cuisine? fusian

8. What do you dislike?
stupidity, bad manners

9. What is your favourite crisp (chip) flavour?
regular

10. What is your favourite CD at the moment?
rori's cd, bt - escm, the garden state soundtrack

11. What kind of car do you drive?
a green one!

12. Favourite sandwich?
turkey with yves jalapeno jack faux cheese, hummus, red peppers and honey mustard on a crusty bun

13. What characteristic do you despise?
indecision

14. Favourite item of clothing?
my dorhina jeans, my black leather jacket, the ring my sis gave me

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation?
the costa del sol

16. What colour is your bathroom?
brown & blue

17. Favourite brand of clothing?
probably jacob.

18. Where would you retire to?
the costa :)

19. Favourite time of the day?
twilight - not quite day, not quite night. its a magic time.

20. What was your most memorable birthday?
31 - vegas. that or 28 when monte dj'd my bday party.

21. Where were you born?
stewart bc

22. Favourite sport to watch?
hockey or track

23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? no idea

24. Person you expect to send it back first?
:) no idea

25. What farbic detergent do you use?
cheer for darks, arm & hammer

26. Coke or Pepsi?
coke

27. Are you a morning person or a night?
morning

28. What is your shoe size?
6.5

29. Do you have any pets?
yup the diggity dog

30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family and
friends?
nothing they don't already know

31. What did you want to be when you were little?
a foreign correspondant or an english teacher

i *LOVE* tickets!

OOO OOO OOO got my papa roach tickets and i am soooo excited! (the kiddo is irritated and doesn't want to talk about it. he's quite jealous. i need to see if they have a 'my mom went to see papa roach and all i got was this stupid tshirt' shirt). how fun is that? it's been so long since i've been to a good rock show - open seating, bodies thrashing around, cute metal boys. will be fun fun fun!

so hot

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

ms swizz (delightful benefactor who bestowed the above glory upon me) is vowing off the 'net quizzes. i really should but they're

just...

so...

good.....

better now, thanks

ok this is my SECOND attempt at this post (stupid blogger), which has me feeling a little angry again. but anyway.

after confirmation of my 'bad sexy'(was there ever any doubt?) a loverly lunch with the kiddo (mmm jerk tofu roti mmm), a pit stop at a jewish bakery for chocolate babka (can't beat a babka!), a little work, and a bit of a nap on the couch, i'm feeling more my chipper sundae self.

i took advantage of our lunchtime adventure to have a bit of a 'mom' talk with the kiddo. i wanted to talk to him about his attitude toward school, and about thinking about what he wants to do with his life. he figures that he's got two and a half years to figure it out, and knows he's going to change his mind ten times before he graduates. i think i spoke well when i told him that thinking about what he likes to do, and trying to see if there is a way to make money doing it isn't the same as committing yourself (*shudders* - commitment. eek!) to something. it's actually about having a goal to work towards. and, most of the time, when you are working towards that goal, doors that you never even knew existed pop out of the woodwork on every side.

on another, similar but really different, note, i'm surprised that this article didn't inspire more discussion. as a (fairly young) mom of a teenager, i can fully understand the desire to relate to your kid, and understand their likes and dislikes. i really like the fact that i know the 'freaky-deaky' slang he uses, and even what it means. i like the fact that i can shop for him, and he will like what i choose. i know he admires my sense of style - not that common in a parent/teen relationship. i even *listen* to half of the music he listens to - we regularly introduce each other to new songs, bands, genres. and i know that he smokes weed (or 'chron' as they call it) with his buddies. i know he drinks beer on the weekend. however, he knows that i have a problem with it. i try and walk the fine line where my concern is apparent, but he still feels like he can come to me without me getting all judgemental and shutting down my 'listening' in order to be a strict parent..

that said, i still have a responsibility to help guide my child in the rough decisions he has to make as a kid. i still have a responsibilty to cherish and protect and assist him in making healthy choices. i don't think that woman has done this - it is possible to avoid falling into the 'black and white' boxes of the parent and child relationship while still holding onto some of the 'parental' duties. supplying your kids with drugs and sleeping with their friends is not the way to go about it.

god knows i'm fighting my maturity with sharp sticks and a slingshot, but i still think that there is a time to take the high ground. kids, much as they'd like to believe the opposite, don't have the knowledge and the experience to make the best decisions. hell, neither do i, sometimes. but it's up to me, as a mom, to try and do the best i can at being the gps system of life, for at least one person, for at least a little while. i mean, come on. that's what friends do - can't a parent do that at the very least?

nothing new..

You Are Bad Girl Sexy Girl, you are nothing but trouble. And that's hot. You've got the classic bad girl sexiness mojo going on. And you're badass attitude makes men fear you - and crave you. Don't give into people who say to tone it down. You're perfect as is. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

cranky pants

i am in a shitty mood this morning. i was having these screwed up dreams in which i was being hunted by the police / various government agencies, and it was one of those nights where you'd pull yourself awake out of a bad dream and fall back to sleep only to resume it, or to have another equally bad one.

i'm pissed off at the world and pissed of at myself and pissed off at everything in between.

i'm pissed off at fucking george bush for throwing himself a fucking forty fucking million dollar party when half the world was swept away by tragedy less than a month ago, when mostly innocent men and women are loosing their lives in his stupid war, when there are god knows how many children in the us going without a decent education, decent healthcare, or a decent fucking meal today. i'm pissed off at americans (yes i know not all of you voted for bush. but enough of you did) for voting this fucker in.

i'm pissed off at the NHL Players association, and at the team owners, for cancelling fucking hockey. you guys make enough god damned money. get over yourselves - it's a fucking game.

i'm pissed off at people like this woman who is so fucking arrogant as to believe that corporations and/or people in other companies shouldn't harbour/promote anti-american sentiments. so don't eat at subway. OH NO- they are advertising a pretty decent criticism of american culture and asking a very legitimate question - why are so many americans fat? tell ya what - go get the fucking 'apprentice burger' from bk and suck up all the calories and fat from the comfort of your naugahyde lazyboy. never mind what it's gonna cost your body and your health insurance.

i'm pissed off at people like mr m who is writing away to oakley 'cause the arm on his ten year old sunglasses broke and he wants to see if he can get another pair for free. fuck you, you self-indulgent yuppie. the more that people who CAN afford things scam their way into free stuff, the less likely companies are to give shit to people who can't. dip into your 130k salary and spend the 140bucks for christ's sake. and that goes double for fucking donald trump, who gets 1.5 million dollar wedding rings for fucking free. you know where that money should have been spent? see my previous discussion of healthcare, food, and education for fucking children. they deserve it. you don't.

anyway... if you see me on the street today, depending on your strength of character, either steer clear or put your arm around me and take me somewhere quiet and feed me something comforting - preferably chocolate.

ya i figured....

Which John Cusack Are You?

toy lust

Darth Tater.

apparently...

i'm not as cool as i thought...

is it just me?

or does this fortune cookie fortune seem a little ominous:

"your biggest problem will soon be nothing." not solved, not get better.be nothing.

what does that mean? does it mean that i'm in for a whole new world of problems which are much more threatening? or does it mean that my biggest problem will soon be annhialated? i'm concerned.

what if i like my problem? i'm sort of attached to it- i wouldn't want to see ithurt in any way, or end up having some sort of disaster-movie style traumatic finale, where the good guy gets the girl, and is doomed to a future of non-exciting marital style sex and maybe a house in the suburbs. my problem will be longing for its former action-hero lifestyle, with the fast cars and the submachine guns and the swinging from building to building stuff. i don't want my problem to be nothing. i want it to be happy - to flourish and grow and prosper. run, little problem! run away! be free!

it explains so much...

You Are 20 Years Old

20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

new perspective

just spoke with the divine ms. u. her first reaction to my new 'do was the potential 'hot' factor for people watching us make out, now that we are more similar looking.

god bless that girl.

i may have done a scary thing

a great deal of my personality is centred around the fact that i'm a fun-lovin' bubbly blonde. today, i dyed my hair dark. not chocolate lowlights, not caramel. dark chocolate brown. the brown of a really good espresso. there are no blonde highlights to 'soften' it, or to make it 'look natural'. (look natural? i brazenly said to my lovely lovely stylist. look natural? i'm a blonde. everyone KNOWS i'm a blonde. what part of going dark involves trying to look natural?)

now i'm really good with hair change. this is something i'm very used to - the crazy exboyfriend is a hairdresser of considerable skill, and i was his salon guinea pig for three years. new colour on the market? give it a try! celebrity with a kicky new haircut? absolutely! i pretty much always have a decent haircut and good colour. but my mama's reaction was less than pleased (she feels it's too dark for my skintones). the kiddo was exuberantly positive, but he's a ladies man. true, he's pretty honest about what he likes and doesn't like, but he knows his way around the female of the species, so can't necessarily be trusted. so... i'm a little worried. it's fine. i'm sure it's fine. of course it is. i'm being silly.

i hope.

happy birthday mlk

most of the southern states do not recognize martin luther king jr day. noises were made today regarding their backwater approach to civil rights and the fact that they are so 'behind the times'. i pointed out that neither does canada. sure mlk was an american citizen. but what recognizing a day in his honour is supposed to represent transcends borders. today, i am a little ashamed to be a canadian for that reason.

in our house (our being the kiddo and my house of tea and baking, lit by candles, warmed by love and scented with cinammon and coffee) there were three rules which we tried to abide. they were printed off on plain 8.5x11 white paper, in arial font, and stuck to the fridge with odds and ends of shakespearean fridge magnet poetry.

1)Say what you mean, mean what you say.

2)Be good, do good, feel good.(stolen from yogi tea)

and the third, and the one that i believe in most strongly was the wiccan threefold law - that is, whatever, whatever you send out will be returned to you threefold. this is the rule, the law, the basic building block of life that deserves the strongest contemplation for it reminds us that we are directly responsible for the state of the world - we are active participants in our own quality of life and in the lives of others.

my resolution is to treat myself better. part of that is treating my world better - approaching my world with positivity and love because, if i do, it will come back to me threefold.

---

here are some things to think about today:

"what is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man" - the talmud

"i object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent" - mohandas k gandhi

"you must be the change you wish to see in the world" - mahatma gandhi

"if we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" - mother teresa

"We were born to make manifest
The Glory of the Universe
that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It is in everyone.

As we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same."
- nelson mandela

"If the human race wishes to have a prolonged and indefinite period of material prosperity, they have only got to behave in a peaceful and helpful way toward one another" - winston churchill

"there is no way to peace. peace is the way" - a.j muste

"If humanity is to progress, Gandhi is inescapable. he lived, thought, and acted, inspired by the vision of humanity evolving toward a world of peace and harmony. We may ignore him at our own risk" - martin luther king jr

"The real thing is not the goal, but the beauty of the journey, the travelling itself. If you are too concerned about the goal, you will miss the journey. The journey is life. It is an infinite journey. There is no beginning and there is no end. In fact there is no goal. It is the creation of the mind. Every moment is the goal" - rajneesh

---

i have decided this year to look after myself better. i will seek out love in all its forms. i will do what i can, in my way, to send love out into the world for if i stand by and let the negativity take stronger hold then i am no better than anyone.


go read this girl she writes it better than i do.

for the record

paul martin is the first and thus far only western world leader to visit the regions struck by the tsunami.

for the record.

go here:

check this. it's funny funny funny.

rainy sundae

this girl wrote this:

Until then, meet me in the dark. Meet me in the shadows of my mind. Meet me in the storms of chaos that I call my own. Meet me in the middle space that lies between my contradictions. Meet me in the dark graveyard of my soul under the light of the big, heavy moon.

i like it.

it makes me think of spinning (spinning like i want to, spinning like i know you can) spinning laughing in the dark, watching tracers shoot off the ends of my fingertips, watching tracers shoot out into the world and return to me pulling to me people like me.

it makes me think of pulling to me people like me and teaching them how to spin, spin in the dark, laughing in the dark, teaching them how to make the tracers fly, teaching them how to feel the tingling fingertips, teaching them how to bring to us people like us.

it makes me think that soon there will be a whole room full a whole world full of people like me - dark in the soul with the light trapped inside - learning how to spin, spin in the dark, laugh in the dark, learning how to let the light shoot out like tracers, a laughing flashing spinning vortex of light calling to us all the others just like us.

it makes me think that if you - you there, sitting there - stand up right now, stand up and spin, spin, spin like i know you can, laugh like i know you can, my tracers will find your tracers and they will weave together and we will be drawn into each other and soon soon soon we won't be alone anymore...

todae's forgotten english word

swillking: drunken. refers to a man who drinks 'til the liquor can be heard swillking about in his stomach.

been there, done that.

cul-chah

hellooo saturdae!

ok it's not really a real saturday cause as soon as i'm done this i'm going to shower and go to work for a few hours. but i still slept in and quite enjoyed it, i must say.

so part of my generalized 'looking after myself better' resolution is exercising my brain, cause i gotta say that my brain has been getting off kind of easy the last little while. in fact, i had begun to believe that it was reclining in a deck chair sipping a martini with a pink umbrella (a martini! with an umbrella! see what i mean?!) wearing a flowered bathrobe (open to reveal a bright pink bikini and a bit of winter belly paunch) and reading some variety of harlequin romance that has more spanking and less teeth-rotting
obsequiousness.

so this week i had plans with young maktaaq to go see a lecture about interacting with strangers in urban spaces. (oh my god! how well my plans weave together!) but it was cancelled. so the next night i went for drinks to a faux irish pub (i say faux cause there were signs about 'newfie parking' everywhere. never saw one of those in ireland) and there was a session going on so we listened to some celtic style music. annndddd last night i went for dinner and to see the black rider with my buddy toad (he of the recent sushi dinner) at the waterfront theatre on granville island. very strange, but very cool - it was one of those things where i was worried, at times, that i was going to hate it because independently the elements of the show were so overpowering that they were almost too much. however, once woven together ina tapestry of colour and sound and words, they made lovely sense and had quite an impact.

so i did ok this week despite cancelled plans. well, postponed, so maybe we can go this tuesday. HOWEVER, there is more to 'looking after myself better' than just my brain. my body also needs some work. my mama wants to join a sun run training group and has asked me to go with - this group meets on tuesday evenings, so i may be booked up with that experience. such choices!
-------------------------------------------------------------

in other news... long-time readers may recall that round about jan 14 of LAST year, i wrote about a fellow name rori, who i was sort of smitten with and who i had a 'bad' ending with. well, since the first, i have been sort of thinking about calling him, cause i'm trying to put better energy into my past and into my relationships and things. however, i deleted his phone number from my phone, and his contact info from my computer, so don't have any of that stuff anymore. so i'm sitting at my desk thinking about it and 'pop!' - up comes an email from him, basically saying the same stuff i'd been thinking about. crazy stuff, huh? so we are supposed to go for a coffee or something maybe this week and have a chat. should be interesting....

k i'm off to work. have a good sunny snowy saturdae!

go here! do it!

me & jeremy story

ok i talk lots of crap about my crazy exboyfriend (like just there - i call him my crazy exboyfriend for gosh sakes) but there was good stuff, too, and for some reason i feel like talking about it tonight. so i'm going to.

jer & i started hanging out in fall 1999. it was the end of the world as we knew it. no, seriously it was. all i wanted to do for new years was be outside surrounded by a huge swarm of people when the ball dropped, or the earth split open, or the computers crashed, or the cars crashed, or whatever. so i came to van to stay with my folks before christmas, and he came down after (it's all messed up 'cause he's just breaking up with someone and starting up with me and i've just ended something with someone and have almost killed myself teaching and marking and finishing three classes of my own and doing computer work so even then it was starting to suck even as it was just beginning i should have known from the start but anyway).

so new year's eve we drove my little fox machine downtown and met up with his brother and his buddy and went for dinner and drinks at cactus club so the boys (ok and me too a little) could look at the hot chix, then we headed downtown to robson to see what the heck was going on in the world. we had a backpack full of champagne and it was pouring rain and we stood up on top of the big planter things at the art gallery and all you could see all the way up and down robson street was people. the news vans were there, and the police were there, and you could tell they were primed for a riot, but everyone was polite and just there to celebrate and as soon as midnite burst over the crowd in a shower of raindrops and champagne and cheering and kisses, the crowd dispersed and went on their merry ways.

the shiny happy jeremy memory is that i was cold, so cold cause the rain was *pouring* down and i was so soaked and i had just lost tonnes of weight so my body temperature regulator was all fucked up, and he wrapped his arms around me and gave me sips of champagne out of the bottle and kissed the raindrops off my eyelashes and the end of my nose. then, when it was all over, he grabbed my hand and led me through the crowd and to the bus, and pushed his way to the front of the line cause i was cold dammit so everyone else could just fuck off! then we went back to where we were staying and took steaming hot showers and gotP changed and went dancing till 8am.

and the world didn't crash and the sky didn't fall and the heavens didn't collapse, but the world as i knew it still ended and nothing has ever been the same since. and some days i remember how i felt when he lifted me down off that planter thing at the art gallery and led me through the crowd and i miss him so much it hurts.

words

holding steady almost killed me
put my thumb on the pulse of progress and held it..
down.

my stubborn insistence on staying the course trapped me in
my own interpretation of reality:
blind men see more clearly than i the relationship between falling, falling
and forgetting to come up for air.

the trick is crying
cry myself into a drought then crack the surface so that
torrents of words come rushing, rushing
from beneath the vestige of calm and indifference.

holding steady almost killed me
release my hold and watch me pulse, pulse
to the beat.

snowed in

ok not really - the wind is winding, the snow is falling and i'm sitting with a computer in my lap watching, of all things, gwyneth paltrow as 'emma'.

i think that i regret not getting into acting simply because i shall never have the opportunity to be in a grand period piece - the costumes, the settings, the loveliness. oh and the dancing - the choreographed innuendo lost to the indiscretion of modernity. today we either dance in drugged out reveries with only the beat and the lights to embrace us, or we bump and grind in faux intercourse to the pounding vibe.

people talk about the frigidity (or i guess repressed sexuality) of the victorian age, but there's something to be said for human interaction in which every dance, every glance held so much more meaning than "how YOU doin'?". i mean, this is a culture in which you could send a romantic note with a posey. the subtlety is something that would be... refreshing.

ah who am i kidding. i'm such a flirt - i'm all about the sex, the heat, that moment when you connect with someone and you get that flip in the pit of your stomach. mind you, i got no follow through - i just don't land the deal. i can see my future and there are 7 cats in my lap competing for attention with an aged laptop and a cup of herbal tea. mmm herbal tea.

of *course* i am

thanks swizz!

almost exactly a year later.... another snow day

though wow what a difference a year makes, huh?

apparently there are people who work for my company who won't be there on monday. this should be interesting, as half of the office stayed home out of the weather. how will they know? will they be phoned at home? will they come in and find their passwords changed and their pass-keys deactivated? would you rather be told now, the first week in january, or would you rather have found out before christmas?

i've just been given a new job and a new seat. when my managers pulled me into a closed door meeting on wednesday to talk about my 'role' in the department i asked them to cut to the chase: "does this conversation end with a terse hand gesture and the trump-meister's signature phrase?"

the answer then was an emphatic NO so i'm hoping things haven't changed in the last two days, cause if it has i'm gonna be pissed about having to pack my stuff up twice. though honestly, i was half hoping to get laid off... would get me out of a place where i have to see mr. m everyday without making any real effort. i had come to terms with my possible layoff during the christmas break, so was prepared. so whatever, i guess. not what the fates had in store for me this month, anyway.

speaking of mr. m, today he told me today that he only talks to me to 'be nice'. i replied that if that's the only reason, i'd rather he didn't. if he wants to be my friend 'cause he genuinely enjoys my company, well then fine. however, i would rather go home to my empty house and talk to myself every night than have pity friends. oh wait, that's kind of what i do now anyway. shouldn't be a stretch then, huh?

ok well i am technically supposed to be working, and i do have these two massive tasks to complete in the next little while. so maybe i'll write more.

picture this, though: the view from my window is of big fat fluffy flakes careening out of the sky in every which direction, and of green bamboo shoots laden down with heavy snow. very pretty, and a lovely place to work for an afternoon.

i am a fire sign...

(on thinking about my new job and work in general)

Kano

Fire often symbolizes intense emotions and passion. However, you are reminded that passion, like everything else, has two sides. Excessive passion could lead to destructive obsession, but on its positive side it can lead to creativity. A clarity of intent in your attitude is required in order to avoid falling into its negative side.

In the area of relationships, Kano announces a mutual opening. The torch of understanding is lit again for both, and the creative power of such fire could lead to great breakthroughs.

more quotes from 'the sweetest thing'

oh i totally forgot how much i like this movie:

"high five on the clean poonani!"

"don't be gay in god's house. come on, give me a slap."

not lem's questions

cause she's oh-so-cute and i'm trying to get into her pants...

Q: what experience prior to your 16th birthday had the biggest impact on you becoming the person you are today?
A: probably meeting the kiddo's dad. most of the bad relationship patterns i have were born during the time we dated. well and if i hadn't met him there wouldn't *be* a kiddo, of course.

Q: what advice do you think your 90 year old self would give your current self?
A: stop wasting time! get out there and do stuff. quit ignoring your problems and hoping they'll just go away. they never do and keep coming back to haunt my wrinkled ass.

Q: if you could un-do one allergy which one would it be?
A: eggs. oh how i miss eating eggs.

Q: what's the raspberry theme song?
A: baum-chicka! actually i'm not sure. what song's do *you* hear when i walk in the room?

we have a winnah!

from the swizzalish:

Q: Fav movie line?
A: 1) "Hey, I know everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. Kick back and relax, and ponder this: Where are all the good men dead- in the heart or in the head?" - Grosse Point Blank
2) "Have we got time for a movie montage?" - The Sweetest Thing
3) "Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole." - Garden State.
(there are way more... i can never remember stuff like this on the spot though, lol)

Q: Oddest thing you've seen this past year.
A: A three legged dog and a four legged dog, leashed together, walking down the street without a person.

Q: Something that makes you go "Wheee!!!"
A: going dancing; riding on the back of a motorcycle going really fast; kissing

Q: Something that makes you go "Ick!"
A: Soggy bread; canned peaches

Q: Someone you hope to smooch in 2005.
A: Cute snowboarder guy from Whistler

Q: Two kinds of booze you should ne*ve*r mix...from personal experience.
A: gin and baileys; jaegermeister and champagne; heck gin and *any*thing...

Q: New cocktail you wanna try this month.
A: Raspberry stoli and san pellegrino limonata

fun! thanks swizzie!

no takers

ok so the 10000th person didn't want to ask any questions. anyone who wants can ask. just the first person though, please. or the second. how about the person with the most interesting questions gets them answered? or i'll just randomly choose interesting questions from anyone who cares to ask one. whatev.

fuckity fuck

that'll get me blacklisted on blog explosion for sure.

ok - when i am unhealthy, the first absosmurfley worst place you can see it is my skin. i get this nasty rash on my face that looks like acne but isn't cause it's not zits goddammit it's fucking itchy and makes me want to cry. i'm good about not scratching during the day i am i am but at night i can't help it and it itches and gets red and nasty and i've tried the mittens and i just take them off wah.

so my skin looks like shit and i had to be nice to mr. m all day and it sucked. welcome 2005. nice to see you. wake me the fuck up when it's summer please.

self awareness growing by leaps and bounds

I am...

• 43% raver
  
• 67%emo
  
• 62% goth
  
• 24% white trash (thank christ)
  
• 41% metal head
  
• 64% grunge rocker
  
• 61% tortured artist
  
• 38% hippie
  
• 67% evil genius
  
• 75% punk (that's quite obvious, when you see me lol)
  and...
  
• 60% internet addict.
  

well now, that certainly cleared things up, didn't it?

song lyrics

(let go by frou frou)

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

10,000!

ok at about 10.16 this morning someone visited us here at the sundae sanatarium. if this is you.... congratulations! you are the ten thousandth blogger to hit this site. so... in honour of this, and in the style of mr. newly i offer you the opportunity to ask me 5 questions, and i shall do my best to answer them.

of course, if that was just a random visitor, i'll pick the next person, ok?

thanks for stopping by!

oops

i missed my blog's birthday!

happy belated, little bloggity blog blog. only the eggnog elf and slutty mutty participated in my contest. which is to say, they came up with the idea, question, and answer. and even managed to stump me. so i guess they win!

we have a date, you two crazy kids xoxoxo

upon consulting the runes on the prospects for 2005

Wunjo
Joy / Light
Comfort
________________________________________________________________________

This Rune announces a state of security and relaxation, a sense of well-being. Light is finally peeking through the clouds, fruits hang heavy on the branches, and bad times are finally staying behind.

You may see yourself surrounded by joy, pleasure and comfort both at home and outside. There is clarity and a new energy that will allow you to understand, to balance, to renew yourself and your personal relations.

Necessary changes have already been carried out, and now you may rejoice and receive Wunjo's blessings freely.


________________________________________________________________________

a favourable omen?

so for christmas this year i received a ring from my sister. it's beautiful - exactly the sort of thing i love: chunky and feminine all at the same time. it's probably my favourite gift of this year, and for sure my favourite of all the gifts my sister has ever given me.

however, it's just a touch too big. not a huge amount - just enough so that it slips and slides around on my middle finger. on friday night when we were out, i switched it to the bigger finger cause i was a little afraid of losing it. unfortunately, my hands were FREEZING, so my fingers were even smaller than normal. amidst the hustle and bustle, it slid off my finger... somewhere. i was so sad - just heartbroken. i had half the bar searching for it, but, of course, everyone is drunk, and there's silver streamers all over the floor. we went back last night and i looked around some more, but no luck. i was pretty convinced i'd never see it again.

but guess what? about an hour ago, i received a phone call from one of the cleaners - they had picked up the ring and turned it in. so mike b is going to pick it up for me when he goes back to whistler on tuesday. i was so happy i cried a little. it's good to know that there are people who are pretty honest out there.

sunny sleepy sundae

ok so i've made it home to my messy room, and am contemplating how i am going to start my year. when i started this blog a year ago, i resolved to try and write in it every day, and i've done ok with that - nope i don't write EVERY day, but i do write often enough that it gets the point across. writing is pretty therapeutic for me (well for most people i guess) and i do have a way easier time of expressing myself in writing than i do in words.

halfway through our new years festivities i checked my email to find a note from mr. m. he was basically saying he was sorry for making my 2004 so crappy, or at least for playing a big part in that. it sort of threw me for a loop - what do i do with shit like that? how do you deal with the things that just sort of come out of left field? (well, i drank myself into oblivion, but that's beside the point. someone remind me why i thought drinking a bottle of vodka after living on painkillers and muscle relaxants for two days was a good idea?) this has been a really hard year. i think i need to make some changes in the way i interact with my world in order to ensure that 2005 is better, but how? how do you force yourself to actively participate in your world - to engage with your surroundings and the people you meet?

maybe i've already started. i'm taking myself out of my shell - i'm getting out and meeting people and interacting. and, yes, sometimes it means flirting with boys in bars based soley on the fact that they are cute. but the deeper element to that is that i'm really shy, and i find it really hard to meet people. of course i realize that kissing boys in a bar is not the way to find happiness. but it does, however, take me out of my comfort zone, which is sitting on the sidelines nursing a drink and watching the world go by without participating in it.

things kind of come to me - i have my job 'cause i did a temporary contract with this company. within a year i was a project manager. the most recent relationship i had was with someone i worked with - i didn't have to do anything for it, it just kind of started. i need to find a way to force myself to go after things.

so maybe that's my new year's resolution, and i guess the challenge i made earlier is just a small part of it. i resolve to engage with the world in 2005 - to go out and meet people; to talk to strangers (sometimes just 'cause they're cute); to pursue the things i'd like to have. maybe that's the one change that i need to make to ensure that this year is better than the last.