I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me

super hot bathroom shots for everyone

So last night I went to see Massive Attack & Thievery Corporation. I actually was really looking forward to MA b/c they've been my favourites for as long as I can remember, but it turns out TC kicked major ass. Not because the music was better, but because it was better suited to a live show, I guess.

The one silver lining to these past shitty weeks is that I'm losing weight like nobody's business. I've never been one of those 'can't eat when I'm distraught' people but all of a sudden I am.  I must say it's a nice change from the human hoover I usually become.

I guess eventually I'm going to have to think about dating again. There's a kettle of fish I'm really not looking forward to, believe you me. I had enough trouble when I was in my early/mid thirties finding age-appropriate men who shared similar interests with me. Now I'm 5 years older, almost 40, and still socialize like I'm 25.  Dating the puppies, though, leads to fucking pulling your hair out and stabbing yourself in the eye with a #2 pencil, so I'm kind of caught between a rock and a going to bed alone with for the rest of my life place. Le sigh.

scattered pictures of the smiles

Sometimes I think back to how things were just over a year ago. Sure I was fat & getting fatter. I drank two bottles of wine a day. I made almost no money. We argued about that fact. But holy fuck compared to how I feel right now, I'd give anything in the world to magically teleport myself to those moments where I felt like I was at home, not this dislocated sense of being the world's most collossal fuck up.

Though shit let's not kid - I always was the ugly stepsister, doomed to a life alone with my cats, being discovered by my neighbours when my decomposing carcass begins to smell like week old shellfish left on the counter.*

I hate playing the what if game, but sometimes I just can't help myself. What if we'd stayed in Vancouver. What if we'd found a cheaper apartment. What if I'd never taken this job. What if we had paid attention to the stupid little signs that things weren't right. What if I wasn't such an emotional fucking cripple and had been able to express myself 4 months, six months sooner. What if What if What if.

What if and a six pack might catch you a buzz. Probably not, though - it'll just get you fat.



*FYI - that's also pretty much what the Salton Sea smells like.