I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me

super hot bathroom shots for everyone

So last night I went to see Massive Attack & Thievery Corporation. I actually was really looking forward to MA b/c they've been my favourites for as long as I can remember, but it turns out TC kicked major ass. Not because the music was better, but because it was better suited to a live show, I guess.

The one silver lining to these past shitty weeks is that I'm losing weight like nobody's business. I've never been one of those 'can't eat when I'm distraught' people but all of a sudden I am.  I must say it's a nice change from the human hoover I usually become.

I guess eventually I'm going to have to think about dating again. There's a kettle of fish I'm really not looking forward to, believe you me. I had enough trouble when I was in my early/mid thirties finding age-appropriate men who shared similar interests with me. Now I'm 5 years older, almost 40, and still socialize like I'm 25.  Dating the puppies, though, leads to fucking pulling your hair out and stabbing yourself in the eye with a #2 pencil, so I'm kind of caught between a rock and a going to bed alone with for the rest of my life place. Le sigh.

Ug

OK so there was a House marathon on yesterday afternoon / evening. I started watching somewhere around 4pm and finally tore my eyes away at around midnight when an episode I'd already seen slipped into rotation. Not an episode I'd seen anytime before, mind you, one I'd already seen THAT DAY. I've never really watched the show before, and yet all of a sudden I was fascinated and in deep lust with Hugh Laurie. Rawr. I also drank a bottle and a half of wine as I watched, so I'm not sure how much the one had to do with the other.

At any rate, rawr. I do feel mildly hungover, though - nothing too crazy, just that irritating ick feeling in my left temporal lobe (that's the technical term. Learned it on House yesterday) (Heh).

So I'm going back up to Vancity in a week or two for our wedding reception. We've been half-assed planning it for months and now here it is three weeks away and I'm starting to panic about the money and whether or not we can pull it off. I think it should be ok, but at the same time I dunno how we are going to make it happen, you know? I'm probably just getting nervous, but when I think about the whole thing I start to get a little sicky in my belly. Le sigh.

the same ol' decent lazy eye

i'm not sure if i am just burned out or if i have finally reached the end of my rope with my job. i've been here for 4.5 years and up until recently it used to be a joke (kind of) how things never changed, even though we always heard 'after we just do this one thing, everything will be different'. stuff's never different. you can move people to new positions that they have wanted for years but if you don't give them training to do their jobs and don't get anyone else to take over their old jobs, you are just keeping them in the same place with a new chair and a new title. it's like filling a faultline full of plaster - it might look like you've made a difference but two days later the crack's going to be open again.

here's something weird - i found myself thinking about boy australia all the way in to work this morning. does that ever happen to you? even though you are completely and utterly happy with your relationship, you find yourself caught up in nostalgia for someone else now and again?

ach this post is all over the place and i have no focus today. i'm frustrated with my job and myself. why am i incapable of just standing up and saying NO i will NOT take on these new responsibilities until you have someone else to take on my old ones? see the problem is that my colleagues here are just doing that, so if i don't keep on with my previous duties my poor boss (who's already overworked and trapped doing six other peoples' jobs) will just take them on and be stuck doing them, too. it's as though the management and my co-workers know this - know that i won't let her get into that position - so are counting on the fact that i'll just suck it up. i can't though - i just can't make myself care right now because everything that i've been promised has always been just so much lip service. the side effect of all of this is that i know feel as though i'm not capable of doing anything - i've lost faith in my abilities and have no real sense of what my skills are. my confidence levels are lost to inertia. i need some kind of career counselling, or something. i need to be exposed to an employer who is a good team leader, who supports their staff and offers training and encouragement. senior management here gives the impression that they are sitting back and waiting for you to screw up; waiting to be handed the excuse to lay you off. when they get it they do just that and, frankly, i'm not sure that wouldn't be a blessing at this point.

maybe that's why i am thinking about boy australia today - he packed everything up and moved to australia. he took his dream job and just... left. maybe subconsciously i'm trying to find inspiration in someone i knew only for a brief time because i have no mentor in my current life.

fun facts about the empire state building

is there anyone out there who isn't watching 'how i met your mother'? if so, you need to fix that a-sap. it's on tonight.

ok next - so we went tobogganing on saturday. the architect ended up with a concussion, and another member of our group broke her wrist. at what point do you say to yourself 'i'm too old to do this?' clearly 34 is not it, since i emerged unscathed. yay me!

i feel remarkably apathetic and unmotivated lately. I even spent a large-ish amount of money on clothes friday, but this retail therapy did little to alleviate my malaise. i need an existential shock to the system, grosse pointe blank style (what did debi newberry call it? i forget...) maybe it's my work environment - i can't wait to change roles here, because the people around me are always so frickin' cranky / unhappy. it has to be that because my homelife has been so great - the kiddo is happy, the architect is great, the house is lovely and clean and homey... le sigh.

anyhoo - we are going to federico's supper club on saturday. tourism vancouver is doing 'dine out vancouver' again this year - a whole bunch of restaurants particpate and you can have food from a set menu for $15, $25, or $35 dollars. i've never been, but have heard it's a blast. if you want to join us, we're going for 8pm..

dead disco, dead funk

ug i'm back to work for the first time in two weeks. I have no idea, seriously, how i ever managed to come to the decision that getting up this early EVER was a good idea. le sigh.... i couldn't fall asleep for anything last night - ended up getting up and popping some melatonin at around 11 then finally settled in. i was hot, then cold, then hot again, and the architect was snoring peacefully away with the cat curled up on his chest about six seconds after he shut his eyes. i wanted to use them both for paintball target practice.

someone give me a job i can do from home, please. or at least one that i can get super excited about going to every morning....

you know you make it hard not to vomit...

it's a miracle that there is any morning at all that i make it to work without ritualistically flaying someone. seriously. the day that i no longer have to go through that fcuking tunnel to get anywhere will be a happy day indeed. four g-darn double long dumptrucks riding bareback REFUSING to let any silly little CAR come between them and their heavy duty truck on truck dance of love. RAWWWRRRRRR!!!!

to add insult to injury they played that fucking hinder song - quite possibly the worst song on the radio today. yes i said worst. seriously - every friday night, in tacky top forty bars all across north america, drunken frat boys are grinding coked up former cheerleaders to that song right before the ugly lights come up, thinkin that they're don juan casanova, when really they are mac'ing to a song about CHEATING ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

FYI - not romantic, fellas.


(ps - i might have a little bit of pre-menstrual tension. i'm not sure why i get that sense, but there it is.)

a festivus

oh man i'm starting to think that there is something to this whole bah humbug grinch thing.

bah.

humbug.

i ran my ass off all weekend - shopped like crazy, baked, organized, decorated, stressed myself out, puked my guts out, and for what? seven days before christmas, then i pack it all up and it's like it never happened.

bah.

humbug.

i think i just need to sit back and relax in the lights of my tree (finished decorating at 10.30 last night), gaze upon our newly purchased dining table (bought in a rush at 5.30 last night) and drink a gallon of wine. oh wait i can't cause i still have baking to do, some gifts to purchase, and then i have to wrap the works.

bah.

ok i'm done now. hey the architect and i are going to have a festivus/christmas/housewarming/what-have-you party on the 22nd. if you care to brave the drive to metro ladner, we'd love to have you. send me an email and i'll pass on the topo maps...

a cornucopia of goodness blissfully bursting in my belly (or something like that)

so i've just converted my blogs over to 'the new blogger'. aside from looking slightily... er... shall we say budget i'm not noticing much difference.

i'm unenthused about my job, lately. it's not that i don't *care*... well kind of i don't but i think it's just that the past few weeks have been emotionally trying and i need a holiday. fortunately, i work three days this week, then next is the week before christmas, then i'm off till january 8th. i heart vacations. we are going up the sunshine coast for 4 days for new years with a bunch of people, and off to whistler for boxing day, but aside from that it's going to be a lot of doing nothing, i think. hopefully the weather will be nice so we can do some fun outside type stuff, but i can't be assed to make any more concrete plans than that. plus, lets not kid - no matter how relaxing you think that christmas vacations will be, they always end up being a nightmare of busy-ness. i'm going to attempt to avoid that.

i finally went grocery shopping for the christmas baking yesterday. $250 later, i have almost all the stuff i need. (i say almost 'cause round about 3am i was jerked out of a deep sleep by the realization that i'd forgotten to buy icing sugar. or maybe it was the bedroom door slamming in the wind - who can say?) i've got quite a list of things to put together, but since the architect and i have finally got the house (mostly) sorted out, i can ignore the remaining boxes (can't do anything with'em until i have some shelves) and focus on cranking out at least one shining gem o' christmassy goodness a night.

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in other news, i read this article this morning and found it quite fascinating. the constant evolution (or is it a devolution?) of language is a source of great interest for me. i love reading about how words gain power or lose power through use or lack thereof. say, for example, christmas. now that walmart has 'brought back christmas', does it mean that the term has finally become a generic label for a formerly religous now increasingly secular celebration? what does christmas even mean anymore? for me it's mostly a time of celebrating with family and friends - there is very little religious meaning to it. i wouldn't go so far as to say that it's completely commercialized for me - i think rather that, in my head, it's closer to a time to celebrate love and friendship and caring and giving. does that mean, therefore, that what i do should be called something different? like, does the pc-friendly 'winter holiday celebration' designation stand as more appropriate to use in my case, or has the word 'christmas' gone the way of xerox, jello, and kleenex and come to signify any event (christian or NOT-christian, but not those associated with other religious denominations) celebrated at that time of year?

anyhoo... i'm getting too text-heavy. i'll try and post some pix from the office christmas party which ended up being legend (wait for it! hope you aren't lactose intolerant 'cause here it is..)dairy....