toes etc

I’m sitting at work writing this in a word document so that it kind of looks like I’m being productive. Maybe if I throw in some mad bullet point kind of situation… hang on… wait for it…

• here
  
• it
  
• goes
  
• bullet
  
• point
  
• madness

K done with that sheeyat. I’ve had my ipod plugged into my head all day, throwing down a crazy mix of lyrics born, late eighties Britpop, moody melacholybabies, and the guerillas. Just for spice, you know, cause damon ‘I heart raspberry sundae’ albarn is nothing if not spicy.

I think I added too much happy Mondays, though, cause they are coming up with disturbing frequency, causing me to flail my arms about (flail! Ha you said flail!) and wiggle in my chair needlessly. People keep walking up behind me and talking to me, but I CAN’T HEAR YOU when I’ve got my headphones in, don’t just talk to me, call my name call my name.

It’s a stereophonic sound spectacular and I ain’t gettin off for nobody.

Well, except myself, and my mobile phone lover, for the next few days, but three more sleeps THREE MORE SLEEPS and I may actually be getting’ some in person. I swear this out of town crap may be the death of me. I feel as though it’s been years and years and years. Yes, german, I know that you are in much more dire straights, but dammit I’m selfish when it comes to sex I want it all for me.

That’s a lie, actually, I’m a very giving partner who’d rather give *you* pleasure than take it for myself.



Ahem.

Anyway.


It’ll be a couple more days regardless.

I plan to meet him at the door in my new bra & undies, wearing thigh high stockings and holding a bottle of wine. The wine may or may not hit the tile floor. At least there is no carpet anywhere in the vicinity, but I should probably investigate the impact (ha!) of red wine on slate tile, and whether or not it will permanently stain grout. I shall lead him to the bedroom where there will be candles and possibly strawberries or some other edible romantic waste of money – let’s not kid, things will be eaten but the strawberries shall sit idly by.

Then I’m going to make his toes curl. Then he’ll turn me over and do it to me. And all will be right with the world once again.

'cause i'm a lazy ass...

tnb may have been on my mind, as i shopped around with my mama.you see, last night we had phone sex for like two hours, and so i woke up feeling sleepy and contented. i ended up coming home with $50US in yummy smelling body lotion and approx. the same value in black lace undergarments. i'm just saying - he may have been on my mind.

so i'm feeling kind of lazy and still sleepy so i'm going to steal thirty8 questions from tonypierce.

1. What is your full name now? raspberry sundae III

2. What color trousers are you wearing? Blue jeans.

3. What are you listening to right now? ipod full of brit pop goodness - happy mondays, stone roses, charlatansUK

4. What was the last thing you ate? dark chocolate peanut m&ms

5. Do you wish on stars? yes - always the same wish, too

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? deep blue, but not navy blue. more like midnight blue, or the colour of stormclouds at one am on a summer night.

7. How is the weather right now? sunny and fall-esque.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? tnb

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? i stole it from tony. i'm sure he's lovely.

10. How old are you today? 33 and a third

11. Favorite soft drink? coca cola

12. Favorite sport? hockey or track, other forms of indoor sports which involve being naked, kissing and hunting for your underwear when you are finished.

13. Hair color? blonde

14. Siblings? 2.

15. Favorite food? dark chocolate

16. What was the last movie you saw? lords of dogtown

17. Favorite day of the year? hallowe'en

18. What was your favorite toy as a child? books books and more books (why did i keep typing boobs, dr freud? whyowhy?)

19. Summer or winter? summer except for christmas eve then it's gotta be winter

20. Hugs or kisses? kisses. with tongue. and teeth.

21. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate - the darker the better

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? in general? of course.

23. Who is most likely to respond? oh i don't know

24. Who is least likely to respond? ???

25. Living arrangements? well the head of the bed points south, but that's supposed to be not good for my feng shui.

26. When was the last time you cried? a bit while driving home last night

27. What is under your bed? some games, a couple of rugs that i don't have room for.

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest? i don't know... people come in and out of my life. weirdly the person in my life right now that i've known the longest is tnb.

29. What did you do last night? watched lords of dogtown and ate hummus and olives with mike b

30. Favorite TV shows? csi

31. What are you afraid of? being alone. something bad happening to the kiddospiders.

32. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? salted and lightly buttered, but i'm allergic so no popcorn! none!

33. Favorite car? 1967 mustang shelby 500GT

34. Favorite Flower? raspberry sundae peony, snapdragons, tulips

35. Number of keys on your key ring? 4 - house, car, work, and one for stacylicious' old house (purely sentimental...)

36. Favorite vacations? i like camping, and i like going to spain

37. Three Bloggers who don't blog enough: mike b, sarah b, deaner

38. Six friends who you are tagging: oh i don't like to tag - do it if you want and let me know. i'll read the answers 'cause i'm a curious little leo kitty.

ok here goes

somebody's gotta say it, so it may as well be me.

the guys from motley crue, from oasis, from (yes even from) the foo fighters, from velvet revolver, from u2, and most especially mostest especially from pearl jam need to sit down at a table with little wire bound looseleaf notebooks and pencils and maybe a couple of colours of highlighter for emphasizing the important bits and take some classes from those upstart former punk currently (maybe always) pop hooligans that are green day. they need to be reminded of what it means to put on an arena show. they need to be reminded of what it is to entertain in this kind of large venue. they need to listen to billie joe when he talks to them about striking a pose and singing to the rafters and pulling kids up on stage to shoot squirt guns and play the drums and run across to stage dive into the crowd. they need to remember that the show is to thank your fans for buying your cd's downloading your tracks for ninety9 cents for watching your videos and buying your dvds and when you get on the stage it's not about ego or about pissing and moaning 'cause you're really a *small* venue band, folks and you just can't communicate in these echo-y ampitheatres. so stay fucking home and count your bills, dude, don't charge me $79 and then not even bring what you've got. i haven't got that kind of money and if i wanted you to just reproduce your last cd i would have burned it off the 'net and stayed home in my jammies. that's what i think.
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i woke up in a monthly cranky, kids, and it took me most of a day and a giant's share of ritter dark chocolate with whole hazelnuts to shake it. actually, it's still kind of there so i'm drinking wine and eating more chocolate and trying to convince myself that calories consumed while pms'ing don't stick around to be fatmakers 'cause they're too afraid of my surly mood. fortunately, today i received a bag full of cookies from pat the postman so i can eat them all and not worry about letting myself go.
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hey, it's german'sbday so go say merry happy.

whoa hey holy

i'm nineteen hits away from being 20000 leagues under the sundae. that's kind of a milestone, i figure. what to do to celebrate? i am open to suggestions.

tnb is off working for two weeks again. yes, that's another two weeks without sex. by this time next week i should be randy and definately off my rocker. today, as revenge for leaving me, i text messaged him a detailed description of what my underwear looked like.

woo just took a huge hiatus to read dlisted... it's like the soft core they show at midnight on global, i swear. i love it and yet it makes me feel o-so-dirtay and unfulfilled inside...

i am eating two bite brownies in honour of nk. he's having a bit of a rough week or so, so i'm eating squishy chocolate goodness in solidarity. i know he objects to my blatant disregard for grammar and all things capitalized, however, i am woman enough to take his opinion under consideration and decide that i shall keep doin' it my way regardless.

other than that, not much is going on. i gained five pounds FIVE POUNDS (ok not really i'm completely exaggerating, but i do have a small taste for the hyperbole) this weekend at impromptu dinner parties - it was grand fun and i'd do it again next weekend except i fear being accused of letting myself go. mind you, i'd have to buy a new wardrobe, which would be a-ok in my books. and my boobs would become bigger, growing in size and mass with every single two bite brownie i ingest. or not every one, just every other one.

i have to maybe read some comedy or perhaps some fantasy or other more positive types of novel before i go to bed for a while. i dreamt last night that someone pissed me off so i duct taped their arms and legs together, dragged them into the middle of a swamp, opened up a vein and left them there for the animals to dispose of...

i heart weekends, too

got up early-ish, left a sleeping tnb in bed, hit the tenbucks downstairs for an americano and a chocolate croissant (natch), the rushed to the hairdressers for three hours of massage, herbal tea and girltalk.

can a day get better, you ask? why yes, yes it can, actually - the sun's shining on a frickin unbelievable fall day, tnb just called to find out when i was coming back for an evening of movies and couching, and my new hair is cute cute cute.

happy saturdae!

tonight's the night

tonight's the season premiere of csi. i heart csi - it's the only show i watch with any kind of regularity. i'm just not that into tv. i could be in that book that came out last year, except they'd have to change the title from 'he's just not that into you!' to 'raspberry's just not that into...' and insert a long list of nouns. like tv. and brussels sprouts. and being bored.

it's way more fun to talk about what you are into than what you aren't into. the pseudonymonous dean simon has a great post about anal sex right now. the raspberry is into that. (caveat - when done right. when it's wrong, it's oh-so-wrong). heck, i wrote the ass post in honour of all those extra nerve endings...

the raspberry is also into these books by some guy named john connolly. i have a total crackhead's weakness for mystery novels, but i'm a connoisseur of mystery novels - a gourmand, even. i like 'em well written. i like books in series 'cause i love to watch characters develop. i like the american style of mystery novel, rather than the british. but more than all that i like mystery novels, pulp fiction, cotton candy floss fiction, which refute the idea that a 'paperback novel' is a lower form of literature than something vintage books puts out in trade paperback and charges 21.99 for. don't get me wrong. my master's level education is in english literature. i know that there's a difference between most novels you pick up off the rack at shoppers drug mart, and the kind that get studied in that first year guppy course you laboured through in a lecture hall full of three hundred other people who only read the coles notes to romeo and juliet, and figured that even that was a stretch of their patience. i know that there's a difference. i just agree with umberto eco.

when he wrote the name of the rose he set out to create a mystery novel that was not just a mystery novel. he wanted to create an 'open text' - a book that has multiple layers of meaning,and is open to a multiplicty of interpretations. he took pop culture seriously way before the tao of homer. he understands that you bring your intelligence to any reading, and that i can read jane austen and think of nothing more than how fucking boring it is, but you there, ya you, can watch wwf wrestling or go see the strippers at the number five and come away with a deeper understanding of human nature.

this john connolly guy writes smart thrillers. like - i LOVE him as a writer. he's my new fave. i love his writing style. i love the fact that, in his first book, his villain quoted and drew inspiration from john donne. i love the fact that, aside from mentioning some gray hair sneaking in, you don't know what charlie parker (the hero in the series) looks like. i love how he defines evil as a void - as an absence of empathy, making reference to the nuremberg trials. i like that he uses words and ideas that, if you are so inclined, you can stop reading, look up and stare off into the distance, and think about for a while. it makes me happy.

so now i just need to get the new one. it just came out, though, so won't be in paper for a while, which sucks 'cause i read them so fucking fast that it hurts me to pay forty dollars for a book (and don't say go to the library 'cause when i love an author i put his or her books in rotation and go back to them again and again. libraries frown at you when you refuse to relinquish their possessions, and they just don't understand your need to hold them touch them carry them in your bag not even put it on the floor at night when you finally shut the light off eyes burning from reading so long arms sore from holding the book aloft).

anyway, i have to wait. i've read the series (all four) over again in the last two weeks. actually, it wasn't until last saturday when i popped into a used book store on my way home from tnb's place that i found book two. it took me just over 24hours to finish. see why hardcover's not really an option? well, maybe for christmas, i guess. (see! this is why i need a sugardaddy!)

list

i need:

• change for a fiver
  
• a pair of great brown shoes, with a heel
  
• another black cardigan
  
• some fall/winter tops for work
  
• more in-person two-am wakeup calls
  
• to be entertained
  
• to be inspired
  
• the next john connolly book
  
• more income and/or
  
• a sugardaddy
  
• a haircut
  
• to go for a walk in the sunshine
  
• six more months of summer
  
• a white christmas
  
• for the constantines show to be tomorrow
  
• a waterfront apartment with a view of the mountains in a small town
  
• to hear the words which are my heart's desire
  
• to be able to write like this person.
  
• or this person
  
• or this person
  
• to load myself up, with whatever puts me all the way up
  
• to drink more wine
  
• to buy tanning minutes so that my mood doesn't fall down down down with the rain rain rain all winter
  
• to watch the season premier of CSI (tomorrow! do *not* call between the hours of nine and ten!)
  
• to judge a topless cookie bake-off between this girl and this girl
  
• to visit this person
  
  what do you need?
  
  what do you need?

buh-jiggity

so i came home from worked and baked a banana chocolate chunk cake. then i made a mango ginger veggies & tofu stirfry. then i baked double chocolate chunk cookies. as i was taking the second batch out of the oven, my mama looked at me and asked "oh dear. did you and tnb have a fight?"

see, i cook (specifically bake) when i'm stressed. and there's really no reason for me to be stressed - i just have a general sense of unease, you know? i can't quite put my finger on it - i just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

i think part of it is that i spent pretty much the whole weekend at tnb's place. i didn't have a whole lot of quality raspberry time - just a hungover sundae afternoon on the deck (which doesn't really count 'cause i was noxiously exuding stale red wine vapours and could barely stand myself).

oh well - i'm sure i'll figure it all out. or not - perhaps i'll just self destruct in a cinammon tinted chocolate explosion of fresh baked goodness. betcha that'd be a bitch to get out of the carpet....

sundae night

i've been having a bad food weekend, so i've adopted my emergency 'stop eating and drink lots' strategies to avoid excessive vomitting. mind you, after the second bottle of wine last night, i thought to myself "i bet tomorrow morning i'm going to wish i'd eaten dinner". and guess who was right? that's right - it was the girl with the headache. i haven't had one of these in a while - you know the kind where all i can keep down is turkey, white rice and toast. i guess i was due. tnb ran out yesterday morning to buy me soy milk so i could have cereal when i got up - i felt really bad but i couldn't eat it 'cause i would have tossed for sure. of course, i didn't explain this to him. my allergies confuse/upset him. i just ate toast. mmmmtoastmmmmm.


i guess it's a result of the crappy week at work... but we won't talk about that now.

meh - i got nuttin. i took a bubble bath and drank a mug of sleepytime tea, so i'm practically comatose. i'll try and be more entertaining tomorrow, i promise....

o be joyful

'cause that shit spreads...

tnb is back in town - he called while i was on The Quest for Jeans - Day Six. i immediately abandoned the quest for jeans, and went on a quest for slutty undies. in green, of all colours, 'cause that's what he asked for. it's hard to find green slutty undies. but, perservere i did, and conquer the mall, i did. i even bought a bra without the slight padding at the front. see, i have big nipples. not the roundabout part, but the nipple themselves, are rather large. so when it's, shall we say, chilly, you can tell i'm not so warm. and i'm rarely warm, kids, let's be honest, here.

but tnb enjoys the nipple display, so i purchased a bra that is just mesh at the front. just for him. ain't i sweet?

ah, shit. who'm i kidding? i'm so horny that, at this point, he could tell me that full length calico flannel nightgowns and caps (a la little house on the prairie) make him hot and i'd be hauling out the sewing machine. just call me laura fucking ingalls.

holy crap

clearly i'm not one of those people meant to go without sex.

clearly.

i mean, i have had self-imposed dry spells, but those are, somehow, different than there being someone with whom you *should* be having regular sex and being unable to. like a whole world apart.

i may go nuts.

i've been knocking boots with myself at *least* once a day, and i'm just freakin' insatiable. like, i just did it. and i could do it again.

right

now.

seriously, though, it's only been a week. A WEEK. can you imagine the state of affairs on friday when tnb gets home? 'hi raspbMBPH!' (greeting broken off as tnb is tackled by flying naked blonde girl). i tried to talk him into a little cellular love last night, but he was worried that the guy he's sharing his hotel room with would look at him askance if he took the phone into the bathroom and didn't come out for an hour. i suggested that he give him a dollar and tell him to go buy some gumballs, and that there'd be a prize if he came back with all lime flavoured. i said i'd even repay the dollar. i'm not sure he understood that i was serious. obviously, tnb has more self control than i do, cause - let's not kid - i would have gotten naked and spreadeagled on the coffee table - roommate or no roommate.

in other, yet related, news, i've discovered an organization here in vancouver which teaches you how to give hot and heavy lapdances. guess who's signing up? and, as i was chirruping joyfully over this discovery, i was pointed in the direction of another such place which teaches you how to do POLEWORK. how hot would that be?

to be frank, i'm much more interested in the lapdancing than the polework though the latter is the coolest. i just can't see myself being able to practice/perform very regularly, not having the necessary hardware in the bedroom. lapdances, though, are delightfully portable. (textmessage sent to tnb this afternoon: "OMG! I'm going to learn how to LAPDANCE!!") shit if that doesn't get me some extra special fun, i don't know what will.

listen to this, please

engineers anti-gravity mix via stereogum.

thanks, and as you were.

wake up call

this morning my phone rang at 4.40am. it always panics me 'cause of the kiddo and how he used to sneak out of the house all the time and
i never knew where he was or what he was doing and i was always so afraid that one night i'd get a call and he'd be not ok, by any stretch of the imagination.

he doens't really do that anymore (she says knocking wood like a madwoman) - he seems to be growing more respectful of my need to know that he's safe as he gets a little older.

but this morning the phone rang at 4.40 and it was tnb. he's working out of town for a couple of weeks and so i haven't seen him since last monday and so i'm feeling like i really need a little sumpinsumpin knowwhatimean and i called him last night when i was all drunk on painkillers and vodka-sodas and left him a dirt-ay voicemail reminding him of the last time i saw him and what i was doing with my mouth and my hands and how much fun it was.

so the phone rang at 4.40 this morning and he was drunker than me and he didn't want to talk dirty he just wanted to say how much he missed me, and tell me how he wished i was there so he could wrap me up in his arms. i kind of still wanted to talk dirty but the sweet stuff was good too so i let him go with it. he said that he could maybe quit working and come home today instead of next week but then what would he do? i said find a new job and he said yeah but it would probably be somewhere else which would be bad. yes it would i replied and he said i'd really miss you if i moved and that's really weird for me to say. i told him that it's ok to like me - i'm a nice person.

but we didn't do any dirty talking so i still feel really fucking horny and goddamn i don't know how i'm gonna make it a whole two weeks. maybe tonight he'll do a little phone putting out cause i'm just not doing it for myself right now.

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i still have this fucking headache - mikeb dropped me on my head last week before pearl jam and i got a mild concussion and have had a headache ever since. me and t3 have been best buds i'm telling you. i don't remember much of the concert, truth be told, but what i do remember was pretty boring. we went to see oasis and kasabian on thursday and they were a thousand times more dynamic. i think it's time for PJ to just hang up the mic and stay in the studio - they clearly weren't interested in what they were doing. from what i remember anyway.

kasabian, on the other hand, was great fun - super happy mondays style manchester britpop madness - MADchester - and i loved loved loved them. oasis, too, was great fun and i sang along and tried to call tnb when they played 'lyla' cause that's kind of our song a little bit.

check the sidebar, though, kids cause the two best shows are coming up back to back nights what a wild ride that'll be - the killers and the constantines - i'm going to buy a whole stack of tix for the constantines next week so if you want to come with then let me know. that's dallas (hi baby call me) my love my heart (soon we'll be reunited) there on the right.

i also added a couple of new links - up top in places there's a hit to a northern perspective writing site, and under other people's lives i've added some canadian blogs of note. take a looky-loo....
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german checked in from londontown, nk is back from his world travels and didn't call me while he was here (stinker), and tony pierce reprinted michael moore's 9.11 letter to gdub.


k i'm out - it's sunny out and my bikini is a callin'
xoxo

since you've been gone

or since i've been gone, rather.

i've noticed that, since i returned from my hollyday my voice has been a little subdued. it's not quite me - i'm reading words on the page as though they were written by a stranger. (you can do it! thousands already have!) what am i hiding from, i wonder?

myself, clearly.

i'm hiding from the fact that i like tnb and have settled into a situation is unsettled at best uncertain at worst and i'm pretending like i don't care.

but i do.

i'm hiding from the fact that i know what i want and i know that i'm not getting it.

i'm hiding from the fact that i'm sad, inside, but have happy cupcake icing on the outside. you know the kind - with foodcolouring sugar glitter on top.. the kind that tastes sweet but has an underlying bitterness to it.

it's the sparkly shiny glitter that distracts me, keeps me here.

my thorns have blackberries on them. i can't escape because i keep getting distracted by the sweetness. i wind myself in the vines tighter and tighter they scratch and scrape and puncture me but i keep reaching for the fruit.

i'm distracted by the sweetness soft touches in the dark mouth on my tits my lips hands in my hair cock inside my cunt in my ass on my tongue.

i'm distracted by the sweetness the cotton candy junkfood sweetness so good for a moment but in an hour i'm hungry again.

i'm hungry again.

random confession #612

that commercial with the grandma - you know, the one where she's sitting at the table all dressed up all by herself, the one that says tell your grandma you missed dinner with her 'cause you were stoned? you know that one?

it always makes me cry a little.

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so what's next with monte? nothing, dude - well, nothing more than there ever is. he's gone back home to go to school, where he'll end up dating a girl who's about 12 years younger than he is and does lots of drugs. she'll fuck him around and make him super insecure, he'll screw around and do tonnes of coke and mess up his grades and pull himself back (barely) in time to maybe make some c's. i'll proof his papers for him and tell him that his ideas are great but he needs focus and better grammar and he needs to do some more research. in my head i'll give him a grade before i proof 'em for him, then i'll do the work and he'll hand it in and he'll pull a mark a lettergrade higher than the pre-edited version. he'll break up with the gf and he'll come see me or talk to me a bunch and i'll tell him all the good stuff i always tell him. i'll take him to do stuff he never gets to do 'cause he hangs with girls who only want to party and do drugs and party some more. he'll look at me speculatively 'cause he knows that i'm really what he's looking for, then he'll go home and do it all again.

that's just the way shit is with m & me.

don't forget the good stories

in the midst of the horror of gang violence, rape, murder and racism, there are moments of beauty as well.

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so yesterday i spent the day with monte. wow - i lost my train of thought completely, there. we went for brunch, went to the art gallery to see rodin, met up with friends to watch strippers and then went dancing. i came home at three, after dropping him off where he was staying - after him spending the entire car ride home massaging my neck, touching my face, distracting me from driving. after i walked him up to the apartment (he'd never been), him kissing me goodbye, taking my hand and trying to draw me in with him. it is just natural that exactly one day after i tell tnb that i'm not sleeping with anyone else, i get to hang out with monte. *sigh*.

more on n'awlins

the bbc on kanye

and the always thought provoking mblog for more links etc, if you are interested. matt good also links to a variety of charities, and/or additional sources of information on government reaction to this tragedy, as well as some of the potential root causes (including diverted funding, institutionalized racism, and plain ol' apathy).

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an update on tnb: i did actually talk to him the other night. i asked him flat out if he was sleeping with other people. i told him that i saw a picture of another girl by his bed and it made me wonder - i wasn't being nosy, i just couldn't help but see. i told him that it's really none of my business if he does - i have no real claim over him and would never dream of forcing him to behave in a way which contradicts how he wants to live his life. i told him that all i've ever asked from him was honesty - i just need the information so that i can decide how i want to continue.

he said he's not sleeping with anyone but me. he told me i had nothing to worry about . he asked me if i was sleeping with other people. i told him no. we've been seeing each other for seven months and that is the first time we've had that conversation.

a friend asked if i believe him. i do, actually. tnb's way of being dishonest is through evasion, not outright deception. he's like me. if you ask him something point blank he'll always tell you the truth - he just won't tell you until you ask. and what's more - i actually trust him. not a common thing, for me. whether or not trusting him is a good thing remains to be seen, i guess.

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we went to see pearl jam last night - in fact, we ended up with an extra ticket so at the last minute we called my sister, hauled her away from her dinner and got her in. our seats were not good, but the sound was more than decent. for some reason, they don't use video screens so that if you are in the back you can't really see but man oh man eddie sounds exactly the way he does on your cd, dude.

i think, though, if i'm to be honest, that of all the shows i've seen this year, pj was my least fave. the band seemed to have little energy, and it just didn't grip me emotionally like some of the others have. still - great music. i sang along like a crazy person (as usual).

stuff to think about

tony pierce raises some very valid questions regarding G-Dub's reaction (or essential lack thereof) to the tragedy which hurricane katrina has inflicted upon the residents of the southern us. he links here. go look - it nearly brought me to tears, particularly the last image.

indeed, it caused me to wonder where our own leader was in all this. paul martin was the first western leader to visit thailand and the other tsunami stricken countries earlier this year, but he's been largely silent this past week. indeed, it wasn't until yesterday that he was reported to have even telephoned gdub to offer support. now, this could have been because our fearless leader was aware that georgy-boy is seemingly uninterested in these events. i'd like to think he had some other plan to go rushing in with our good-ol' canadian style peacekeeper aid and really kick some hurricane cleanup ass. i can see it now - canadian soldiers swooping down in seaking helicopters, draping stranded victims in canadian flags to shelter them from the elements and feeding them KD or maybe maple syrup drenched poutine.

somehow, i doubt it.

but the question remains - why was his reaction so different to this catastrope than to the tsunami? is it just because we've become jaded to the needs of our southern neighbours? i, as much as most canadians, take a perverse pleasure in shaking my head at the antics of the us - at their decadent culture; at their high handed military actions; at their strong conviction that they are the sole possessors of the pinnacle of world culture. but i think it's wrong to lose sight of the fact that this stereotype that we so love to make fun of is an institutional one. sure bubba from tennessee may have been overheard spouting off about how canadians are faggots for refusing to follow the us into iraq. sure we have bad blood because of the softwood lumber issue. but these issues should not supersede the fact that, on an *individual* level a whole bunch of people desperately need food, shelter, and water. an entire region has been devastated and we should do all we can to assist.

i think, anyway.

PUZZLEDFRUSTRATEDPUZZLED part two

ok so i'm at tnb's place yesterday, and notice, beside his bed, a little stack of photographs of another girl. he was in the shower - i wandered into his room to claim my book from my bag and there they were. just sitting there, beside his bed.

when he got out of the shower, he went into his room, grabbed them, and chucked them into the closet. "what are you hiding?" i asked. "nothing, just putting something away."

now, he's 35. if he's going to fuck other people, he's going to fuck other people - not much i can do about it. however, and i've been quite clear about this, i would like to know that this is the state of our relationship for a few reasons:
1) if he's going to fuck other people, so am i.
2) if i'm fucking other people, especially if i fuck someone with any kind of regularity, then i'm going to lose interest in hanging out with tnb - i have neither the time nor the energy to deal with two men.
3) if we are both fucking other people, why the fuck would we bother fucking each other?

so i left it at that, 'cause i need to sort these things out in my head before i talk about them, otherwise i fly off the handle and things get emotional and i say things that shouldn't be said. but i need to ask him about it, i guess. what i DON'T know is that whether or not i even have a right to ask him? i mean, technically, he broke up with me and we've never talked about the fact that shit hasn't changed between us. we aren't - technically - dating. so do i have a right to ask, even? do i have a right to feel all confused and sort of sad?

tuesdae

i'm eating part one of two of my share of the last of summer blueberries - i mean the little local sweetart ones lovingly plucked from the vine by underpaid ethnic minorities, not those oversized behemoths mass produced and callously ripped from their plantanchors by underpaid ethnic minorities. i think that summer's officially done. done like dinner. all done in. done-ski. i wore a sweater for most of yesterday (yes i admit my core temperature is a tad lower than most people's - cold hearted bitch that i am) and today, wearing a long sleeved shirt and jeans, i'm a little chilly.

i even had a typical 'winter' weekend, despite the lovlieness of saturday. one day was spent with tnb, lying on his couch in my thong and a tshirt, reading a novel and distracting him from his inevitable domination of computer rendered images of tiger woods and justin timberlake. he's got a steely resolve, fo sho - he more or less ignored my scantily clad display. well that is until i pulled him on top of me for a kiss, said 'thank you' sweetly, then as soon as he turned his attention back to the screen started rubbing myself and playing with my nipples. even after that he paid me attention only while arnold palmer was teeing off. well, that is, until i reached the point where i was breathing a little heavier, had completely removed my underwear, and was clearly enjoying myself - at this point he completely gave up all pretext of faux golf and turned his attentions where they belonged.

the sundae was a lazy lazy day of novel reading in bed, cookie baking, and going for a run. i came to work feeling kind of rested - which is a switch after this summer of party weekends and staying up all night during the week. kind of nice, really.

i'm a little weird in that, for me, the year starts in september, not january. so there are about four weeks - from my birthday till mid september, when i'm introspective. when i ponder what i've accomplished this year and what i want to take care of next. and that's kind of what this weekend was about for me - it was nice.

anyhoo... i'm off to work. i can't wait for nk to get here...

oh bukowski

Dostoevsky

against the wall, the firing squad ready.
then he got a reprieve.
suppose they had shot Dostoevsky?
before he wrote all that?
I suppose it wouldn't have
mattered
not directly.
there are billions of people who have
never read him and never
will.
but as a young man I know that he
got me through the factories,
past the whores,
lifted me high through the night
and put me down
in a better
place.
even while in the bar
drinking with the other
derelicts,
I was glad they gave Dostoevsky a
reprieve,
it gave me one,
allowed me to look directly at those
rancid faces
in my world,
death pointing its finger,
I held fast,
an immaculate drunk
sharing the stinking dark with
my
brothers.

oh my everlovin god

the constantines are coming back to vancouver on october 14, which is one day after the killers, and you can bet your life and every last dollar that i shall be there with bells and other forms of love and devotion on. i need to badly update my dance card 'cause stuff has become obsolete and archaic and i've not shown it any respect in the last little while

did i mention that i have floor seats for the killers in october? and that i'm going to see pearl jam on friday? and that i mostly gave up coffee while i was on vay-kay? which is to say that i came back and realized that i didn't really like it anymore, after a week of drinking madagascar vanilla roiboos with my breakfast. well that was true until this morning, when tnb tucked the blankets around me and said "can i go to tenbucks and get you an americano?" and i said 'oh yes please' because i knew he'd bring me back a chocolate croissant as well, and who wants herbal tea to dip their chocolate croissant into? not me that's for sure. so i drank my americano with brown sugar and cream and gusto and dipped my croissant into it and loved every dark and delicious drop.

last night i went to the beach with tnb and we drank a lovely bottle of bc wine and watched a fucking unbelievable sunset and the toast he made was 'to you and me' and it made me happy happy in a silly way, though i didn't say anything, just smiled at him over the rim of my glass, sipped my wine and looked out over the sea to the mountains across the bay.

nk is coming for a visit and i'm so excited about maybe getting to meet him. i love new friends and adventures - there's nothing better in the world, really, except maybe for sex and chocolate croissants...

reboot

i'm caught in a feedback loop of my own design - someone please kick me in the ass and make me wake up. see, i've always kind of just fallen into shit - my jobs, my pseudo-relationship with tnb, my education.. all that crap. i need a divine intervention that will get me off my ass and make me do something. a psychological lightning bolt of revalation that will illuminate the sham that is my day-to-day existence.

i daydream when i'm driving about what i'd do if i won the lottery - sometimes the big bucks, but most of the time just 100k, or 300k or 500k. you know what's funny? aside from giving money to family buying a new car paying for a home mortgage free, my life wouldn't change that much. the thorns i'm trapped by have blackberries on them - they hold me in but in truth they're kind of sweet so i don't really mind too much.

and in truth i'm kind of happy - so why do i feel the need to make a radical change? is it just that i'm not happy enough? or that i recognize, on some deeper level, that this happiness is fleeting it's like a cotton candy happiness and disappears as soon as you have a taste?

today, go see ciavarro 'cause he's talking about something real.

look here please

i heart the decemberists' video for 16 military wives. it makes me kind of happy inside....

gouge away

you can stay all day (if you want to)

i like talking to you when you're half asleep.. drunk with heavy-lidded near slumber. your guard is down, fallen by the wayside as your body slips away from your conciousness. i'm always the most alert now - just before sleep and just after. my pseudo-passivity fools you - i may seem not quite here but don't think for a second i'm any less aware for all that i've just crossed over or am just about to cross. it takes a lifetime of moments for me to settle my head and leave the information overload of the day or the dreams behind me. you, though... it's almost as though i can see your shields drop from your shoulders as you relax, relax into the breeze of the fan and the sounds of the street outside.

my vulnerable moments come when we're driving - when the stars are out and it's dark and the wind is blowing through the window and my words flow off my tongue like the highway beneath the wheels. i'll admit to anything when we're moving fast - my fears, my dreams, my hopes, my sadnesses. if you could see my eyes, at that moment, you'd see my history and my future playing out in the feedback loop of motion picture show. but you can't see my eyes and you can't read this, now, so my secret is safe (until at least the next time).

rain on the plain in...

the place where i'm moving with nk. it's either there, kamloops, or somewhere on lake ok. kamloops and lake ok are winning, currently, cause i miss snowy christmasses with the kind of longing that only girls who have jumped off roofs into powder drifts of whiteness can know.

sad to say it but i'm kind of game-playing with tnb. that is, he's been away for the weekend and i told him i'd speak with him when he got back. usually when i'm out drinking i send out at least one tipsy giggly hihi phone call, but not last night. usually i call to make sure he's arrived at destinations ok, but not this time. so at 8pm this evening i got a "what are you DOING?" phone call, wondering where i was what the fuck is going on with me. i know him better than he likes to think.

i've been having bad conflict dreams for the last couple of nights week and so don't feel very rested... my muscles are tense like i've been boxing or holding myself upright in heavy surf. in my dreams i am arguing with people i am close to. these dreams (i believe) are precipitated by my unease at the state of things with tnb, as well as the unhappy emails i've received in the last month or so regarding my bitchy (but not mean-intentioned) post about couches and line backers and cookies and such.

i have been told by someone whom i considered a good friend that i'm open minded about somethings but very closed about others, and for this reason i'm no longer an acceptable friend for her. i'm not sure how this makes me different from anyone else (including this person) but clearly she feels the need to show herself as walking a higher path than i, so i'll just abstain from response and let her stride on alone. it's sad to lose friends, but better to let them be who they are than try and remake them in your own image.

i'm also not ready to go back to work. i wish i could wave a magic wand and have it be one week and two days ago, when i was flying down a starlight highway sipping road pops from the comfort of the passenger seat, listening to dark beats and waxing philosophic on age and life and home-made coolers. i wish i wish i wish.

despondant

i'm not ready to go back to work yet. i feel as though there is an important breakthrough i forgot to break through whilst i was on vay-kay - i have unfinished business with myself but i can't put my finger quite on what it is.

i feel like i've been away for such a veryvery long time, when in reality it's only been five days away from my desk and my laptop and my colleagues and my poor plant which would be dead by now if it weren't for the divine ms. u (she looks after it as if it were her own - offering quiet words full of carbon dioxide and soothing sips of water).

i do know that i've realized that i don't want to live here very much longer. i'm not so much a big city girl - i like the neighbourhoods within cities, or smaller cities, or towns even, but i'm tired of living in a place where it seems like you just.. can't.. get... ahead no matter how much you make (unless you live in a distant suburb). i'm tired of commuting and i'm tired of having to drive *every*where. i want to live somewhere with clean water for swimming and small markets where people know me and a good bookstore and an italian deli.

or maybe i'm just casting about for connections again.

my muscles are stiff and sore - i awoke this a.m feeling like i hadn't slept, and as though i had been kicked around all night. it took me ten minutes and a cup of tea to formulate a sentence. tea, though. i have also emerged from this side of my holiday with a distaste for coffee. i wonder how long that will last?

i wish tnb were here. i know that he doesn't feel anything for me besides a vague fondness, but he's a toucher and i need human contact in the worst way, even if it is from someone who's interaction with me appears to be superficial at best. am i selling myself short? of course i am. but there's no other way, at this moment in my time, so sellsellsell.

this post is uninspired, like me. i'm out of practice - it'll take me a few days to get back into the swing of things.... just please bear with me.

things i missed

so that was seriously my first 'away' vacation in five years. i mean, aside from one weekend in vegas, which probably doesn't count, seeing as if i didn't have photos to prove i'd been there it may as well have never happened. and considering the kinds of things they can do with photoshop these days.. well let's not kid. it may never have happened. i was actually just on a bender in downtown vancouver.

anyhoo - so i went on a vacation. tnb came along for the weekend but took off early sundae leaving me alone with two other couples. now, this had good points and bad points - the good points being that they're all good people who are lots of fun; the bad points being that they're couples and have a tendency to lapse into couple-think, inspiring me to run silently screaming into the water for a bit of a relaxing paddle. well, not really a paddle. i swim well. you know what i mean. when the water was unavailable i resorted to drinking myself into a stupour. always a grand back up plan.

for my birthday i went to see small town strippers wearing a strapless top. one of the strippers bullied me into flashing her. honestly, it wasn't a hard sell - i'd had a lot to drink by that point. i figure if a stripper really wants to see these 33year old tah-tahs, it's kind of a compliment, you know?

but without much further ado, i present the top things i missed while on holly-daze:
1) my bed. the bed i slept in was a double sized bottom bunk - fun for indoor sports while tnb was still in residence, but once you get beyond that, it's just freakin' uncomfortable.
2) privacy. hard with a minimum of four other people in the room.
3) the kiddo. nuff said.
4) sadly, my blog. i did actually take a notebook with the intention of scribbling, but the folks i travelled with are not so much into that kind of scene and it made me feel conspicuous. so i really really tried to just remember everything that happened so i could come back and write witty things here. unfortunately, i did a lot of drinking to escape the couple-dome.
5) city noises... yeah the wilderness is quiet and it has crickets and coyotoes yipping all night (COYOTES! YIPPING! ALL... NIGHT! FUCKING COYOTES!), but i missed the sounds of the cars whishing past on the street outside my house.
6) the jasmine plant that sits right above my bed. i can smell it while i fall asleep - it's really quite lovely in a sick girly way.
7) coffee in the am. yeah we didn't have any. i've kicked the addiction. well until tomorrow morning, anyway.
8) nk and german and everyone else on the blogroll...

k i'm tired so i'm going to go to sleep now. i'll write more tomorrow, i promise. thank you all for the birthday wishes...

xoxo

tiny drops of joy

are radiating from within me.

my birthday is monday.

i will be 33.

tonight i leave on a holiday.

tnb is coming along for two days, then leaving me with my friends to play in the sun and the sand and the surf.

i won't be back for about a week - maybe a little shorter - but will be in the midst of nature and all of that other good for you crap and so won't be able to speak with you.

please have exciting adventures while i'm gone, and write long exploratory expositions expounding upon them. i shall try and do the same, and see if i can borrow a camera and maybe take some pictures for you.

miss me. i will miss you.


xoxo

cloudy

i woke up this morning feeling like i was caught in the past - does that ever happen to you? spatially you glide through the now, but temporally, ephemerally, you are walking through your own history.

the air smells like fall, today. before i went to bed, i walked through the house opening all of the windows so that the night could blow in. when i woke up this morning, the air in my room was heavy with dawn and with memories. as i dressed it was hard to bring myself into the mindspace that was on its way to work. i wanted to be getting ready to go to school. the clothes i picked out for myself are clothes that i no longer own. even now, i can't help but feel as though i'm sitting at the wrong desk, engaged in the wrong project.

my eyes are drawn again and again to the stephen greenblatt quote pinned beside my monitor - "And the work of art is not the passive surface on which this historical experience leaves its stamp, but one of the creative agents in the fashioning and re-fashioning of this experience." - this little piece of paper is the tenuous thread which connects me daily to that side of myself. some days the tug is gentle - like a gentle drawing on the tips of my fingers.. two hands slipping apart as we spin spin around the dance floor. on other days, days like today when the promise of autumn kisses the still green branches of the cherry tree outside my window, the tug is insistent, indeed determined.

until i find a way to reconcile myself - until i find a way to draw together the side of me which yearns to immerse myself in books and learning and papers and writing, with the side of me which wants to travel and explore and adventure, with the side of me that wants to meet someone who will wrap me up in their love and their desires - until i find a way to reunite my fractured psyche i will always be filled with longing for the past and for the future. the present will never be enough.

yup, exactly

this is fucking perfect.

let's drink till we can't feel the feelings anymore

today is the feast day of st lawrence, a patron of cooks. it's also my dad's birthday, and the day after my brother's. i forgot to phone, cause after bbq-ing steaks and potatoes and veggies and turkey (for me), i went to the beach with tnb. we were swimming in the bathtub warm water dodging jellyfish and seaweed till it started to get cold. we climbed out, only to realize that this kid was using my towel to stay warm. when i went to reclaim my (delightfully pre-dampened) towel from him, his people invited us over for a drink, so we sat and drank really really strong vodka-oj's with them, then went back to my house. tnb washed my car in the dark and i dazzled him with my ability to remove my wet bikini without taking off my clothes and the stunning proportions my nipples attain when cold (it's quite the phenomenon, let me tell you).

see - this is what i'm good at. i can take you into my world and remind you of the simple fun things that make life worth living. summer should be about having good conversations on a breezy sundeck over barbeque and lemonade; about taking off for the beach at 6.30 and swimming and telling jokes and sharing a drink with random strangers; about curling up on the couch with your arms around each other watching late night tv and laughing at the stupidity of it all. we'll do all that and then i will take you to bed and make your whole body shake and take you to the edge bring you back take you to the edge over and over again 'til you beg me to let you just... step... off.

it's not such a bad thing, being with me.

purrrfect

my horoscope rocks today: "You never know how things are going to work out. The important thing is to enjoy yourself in the moment. This is going to be a day of great moments to choose from."

it does, however, sort of counteract the tarot spread i ran this morning, which indicated to me that my future success depended on removing myself from a situation or dilemma which i should never have involved myself in to begin with. or maybe it doesn't?

my new favourite word: zounderkite - a person whose supid conduct usually results in awkward mistakes.

more later, i'm sure. TNB is supposed to be coming for dinner. how does THAT work?

easy like sundae... morning

so i decided to be a hermit last night and got high on red wine and muscle relaxants.. settled back in my pillows and waited for the dreams to overtake me. i'm not one of those people who dreams potently - i rarely remember them and when i do they're usually sexual or just fun.

i'm reading charles de lint right now (indulging in my other guilty escapism love) and wallowing in his mystical world where the modern day is irrevocably intertwined with the fey. i wish i could tap into that sense of consiousness. i used to be much more spiritual - granted it's not something that is recognizable in a conventional religious way, but it's my own and it came about when i needed it most and helped me get through some of the rough shit i've encountered in the last few years. my ephemeral properties are a mishmash of pagan and catholic, of buddhist and atheist. the contrasts in them are in line with the contrasts that make me who i am.

but i seem to have lost my grip on it recently. i guess that the reason organized religion is such an easy life preserver to cling to is that you have a designated place to go to when you need to center yourself - it's not something you have to think about and invoke on your own. my everyday life is caught up in figures and trends and putting one keystroke in front of the other and i'm finding it harder and harder to close my eyes, slip away from the burdens of my flesh and just.... be.

sex still works, most of the time, but i'm not having that right now.

drugs still work, most of the time, but i'm not doing that too much right now (last night excepted).

i need to slip away and regain my *self* - i need to find the golden speck of light again, and blow on it and nurture it and help it grow. i need to be by myself in the middle of nowhere and let myself stop thinking. the problem is that i'm afraid to be alone, for some reason, and the middle of nowhere is so far away when you live in this city. there are people everywhere. plus, truly, it doesn't matter where you are, or how many people are near. tuning into your center is something that can and should happen regardless of where your body is - the top of a mountain or the center of a mosh pit. and that's something that i know and have experience as well. i'm just making excuses because i'm afraid that i've ignored it for so long that it doesn't exist anymore.

these are the things that i know to be true and that i need to refocus on to find my way again. they are the lessons of the wise people who've walked this path before me:

- there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way

- nothing is lost in the universe. nothing every disappears, it just changes form.
which leads to...

- everything changes. you can't hold on to someone or something and expect them to always be what it or they appear to be now.

- we receive exactly what we earn. our thoughts and actions determine the kind of life we can expect to live.

- whatever you send out into the world will be visited back upon you threefold.

simple, huh? one would think. but the truth is that getting caught up in the quotidien concerns of everyday life is far too easy. it's such an easy excuse to use for everything. for me anyway.

ah well - i'm still a little fucked up from the drugs. i think i'm going to go shower and sit in the sun and watch the world go by. that always makes me feel better.

dave grohl puts out

i touched him.

he played my favourite song - alone, just him & the guitar.

during the encore, he played the drums.


i'm spent.

whurling durvish

So German tagged me to write about the ten songs which are spinning through my head right now. I thought that probably I wouldn’t get to it till later this weekend, but I’m sitting here at work with my headphones in listening to samurai.fm and I had to had to had to start it.

1) Reign – UNKLE
Dude this is Ian Brown from the Stone Roses set over a kick ass beat. The lyrics are very simplistic, but combine with Brown’s voice in a hypnotic mantra: “I am the lightening. I am the heat. I am the reign. I’m gonna reign this way again…. “ It makes me smile and I’ve been listening to the Way Out West remix of it over and over and over again. There are some songs that make me feel like I’m on the floor in the middle of the crowd – when I close my eyes I can picture myself there, with my eyes closed, shivers running up my spine, dj in front of me, ceiling open to the sky, everyone smiling smiling smiling…. This is one of them.
2) Everlong – Foo Fighters
This is my alltime favourite song. I like the rock version, the acoustic version, the weird trippy spacy live acoustic version… N2 played it on his guitar and sang it for me one night. He got lucky. I’m just sayin’.
3) This Modern Love – Bloc Party
This song is the soundtrack to my romantic life. I mean, if someone could look at me and say to themselves, I want to write a song about a girl who is always just a little too afraid to let herself go, this is the song they’d write: “what are you holding out for / what’s always in the way / why so damn absent minded? / why so scared of romance?” And the funniest thing about this song is that I always end up with men who I wish I could sing it to, you know? I wish I could sing this song to TNB. I wish I could just make him hear the words and understand. But I can’t and I won’t and probably it’s not worth the effort anyway.
4) I Just Wanna Live - Good Charlotte
Yes, yes. good charlotte, mediocre green day. yes, yes. they suck. but man oh man "i rock a law suit when i'm goin to court a white suit when i'm gettin divorced a black suit at the funeral home and my birthday suit when i'm home alone" - Someone wrote a song! With those lyrics! Those actual words! I LOVE that! I'm humming it outloud and cracking up even as i type this.
5) Shine a Light - the constantines. No explanation necessary. I can't wait wait wait till tonight helloooo boys....
6) Pack Up - lyrics born. The guy sounds like this old school bluesman, but he's a wickedcool asian guy. You think you like hip hop? If you haven't heard lyrics born then you should be ashamed.
7) Little Dawn - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists. It's a happy happy song: "stretch out your legs and dance with me all night..." Yes please. Plus when i went to see them the guy playing the drums had a HUGE beard and was wearing head-to-toe brown polyester. How cool is that?
8) Lady Venom - The Swollen Members. If i were a stripper, this would be my song.
9) Digital Bath - The Deftones. I've talked about this song before. I can fall in and out of love between the first chord and the last - right now I can't even listen to it because it makes me happysad and I just want to be happy. But sometimes, when I'm dreaming, this is the song playing in the background. No other song has ever done that.
10) Clubfoot - Kasabian. If I were a dj, I'd drop this right in the middle of a great set and get everyone's hands in the air shouting in unison....

Ok that's it - and the traffic was SO bad today on the way home that I listened to every one of these songs and daydreamed about drinking a beer. So right now I'm writing about all of these songs and drinking a beer. Happy, happy Friday....

shine on you crazy diamond

that's what my horoscope told me to do today so dammit i'm gonna.

kids it's friday. friday's are supposed to be FOF (fuck off fridays) but i'm looking at my whiteboard and realizing i'll be lucky to get out of here on time, never mind a half hour early like i'd been planning. i have a date with dave grohl, you see, and need to make myself pretty.

had a real date last night, with car lot boy. the whole time i was with TNB he still called now and again so when he rang on wednesday to say 'hey let's patio drink tomorrow at the usual place' i said hella yes. he showed up straight from work driving his escalade fully bling'd out in a boss pinstripe - fit right in with me wearing my little white sundress & shades but what the hell he picked the time & place.

speaking of TNB i was talking with him before bed last night, drunk on vodka-sodas from the patio, and mentioned my date with dave grohl. he had a full three minutes of being pissed off at me for telling him i was going out with some 'fuckface' before he realized wtf i was talking about. he was all set (he told me) to say that he had a date with three (countem) total sluts for this evening as well. then he realized that i was going out to see the love of my life and that dave and i had a prior understanding so he had to pretty much just shut up. i couldn't stop laughing. good thing i had sort of evaded the "so what did you get up to this evening" question, huh?

german tagged me to pick my ten favourite (right now) songs and explain why. i'll try and get to it today, but am thinking it might not be till later in the weekend - my sister comes home tonight (yay! sister!) and the divine ms u is taking me out for girl-time tomorrow so time's gonna be tight. i do have a three day weekend, though, so i'll get to it i promise.

oh also, before i forget, ken & ariel have posted a link to the stupidest tattoos known to mankind. is yours there? are you afraid to look? fess up - what's the stupidest tattoo you've ever seen? i, for one, once met a man who had V-I-N-C-E on his right hand and N-E-I-L on his left.....

can't sleep

i wanna know who the fuck hit me upside the head with the emo stick.

i can't sleep and i'm all swirly in my head - it's hot and it's got my thinkin all fevered and turbulent. somebody slow this merry go round down down down i can't see the world is running together in a blur of trees and sand and sky and cars going by.

even the fountain outside holds no peace for me this night. i can see you all running up ahead - you are all running away and i just can't keep up. you're leaving me behind. i'm being left behind. i dread the ringing of my phone but at the same time i crave it crave it need to know that i'm not invisible that i hear that you remember i'm here.

do you ever wonder if you've become ephemeral? do you worry that you've lost substance - have become grace a whisper kiss of wind upon the tips of the bamboo? do you secretly hope that it's true?

PUZZLEDFRUSTRATEDPUZZLED

(ten minutes freewriting, no pause, no edits)

two more phone calls last night - he called (i was shopping with lil bro); i returned call, chatted for a few min but he was watching movie; he called back at 10pm, talked about how sweet and positive i am, said goodnight sweetie sleeptight.

i thought that i forgot the password to my bloggity blog blog last night. my home computer had taken ill with some sort of video card issue and it was a few weeks before she was up and about again. in the meantime, she forgot my neatly remembered passwords. so i couldn't get in. so i had to get blogger to send me the passwords, but i couldn't access my gmail account (for the same reason) then i remembered my gmail password so it was all good but i'd lost my train of thought so i went to bed to read instead.

it's so nice here people have been seriously slacking off at the office - the clock's chimed quarter past and no-one is here yet, whereas usually there are people all over the place by now. it's good though 'cause i don't turn the lights on, just sit in the dark with the sun shining in the windows and slowly wake up. i know i thought about calling in saying i didn't feel well (cause i don't really, i'm PFP and it's making my belly sore) but i have stuff to do so maybe tomorrow if i'm still feeling buhjiggity.

i like my job lots but it's been quiet and i get bored and then i THINK THINK THINK and that's generally bad for me. even my horoscope today told me to just run on autopilot and let my instincts lead me where they may. so that's what i'll do. today my instincts are telling me to take my boss on a walk at lunch and maybe sneak out a little early and play as much highhat as i can 'cause that bitch is crack and i got my brother hooked and he played for four hours straight last night. i also think it'd make a super sweet drinking game and so i think i'll bust it out on saturday when my sister is home and we are hanging out at her place maybe having a bbq and getting drunk talking about being PFP and she's kicking my ass for giving a shit and telling me about this guy her and her bf have all picked out for me. he's scots, though, so i'm not sure how that will work. i'm ok with guys in skirts but i gotta get me some s-e-x a little more regularly than once a month, know what i mean?

(time)

figures

so since we've had the 'talk' i've heard from The New Boy (aka nancy boy) almost as much as i did all of last week. like, he called me at 10.30 last night just to say goodnight, and to wish me a good day for today.

this is me making a puzzled frustrated face.

oh by the way? it's four days 'til the foo fighters, at which time Mr. Dave Grohl will profess his undying love for me, and all New Boy confusion will be a moot point. i'm also on vacation countdown (10 days, 7 of which are work days) - not like i'm going anywhere, i just don't have to get out of my bikini for a week (well, except to bathe)(and wash the bikini)(mind you, if i bathed while *wearing* the bikini, i could kill two birds with one stone - wicked) and that's A-OK with me, ya know?

i've read so much over the last week that my contacts feel as thought they are composed of razor wire and i keep losing focus on my computer screen. how's that for fun stuff? too bad too bad the books are all trash - i lose myself in mystery novels when i need to escape from my life for a while. well, and i did read HP in less than 48 hours. but whatever. i'll be wearing super thick coke bottle lenses before my 35th birthday for sure. sexy, i know. how do you resist me?

fyi

it's two weeks TWO WEEKS until my birthday.

TWO WEEKS.

mondae

so here i am in my office chair doing penance for taking friday off. though, truth be told, i came out like a house on fire in the weather department. today - meh. friday? hot & loverly.

the kiddo and i went to see wedding crashers last night. it was funny crap - talk to german about it 'cause he rules, and i can only remember the overall flavour of the film but he's got specific moments woven into a larger tapestry of what is cool about vince vaughn.

so the younger N called me out of the blue last night to see if i wanted to go downtown. i was just coming out of the movies with the kiddo, though, and wasn't really up for it. also 'cause my favourite way to be self destructive is to throw myself into random sexual encounters when i'm feeling vulnerable, which then makes me feel kind of crappy about myself. and god knows that when N² calls, it's a booty call, yo.

the divine ms u is supposed to be here with me today, answering the phone and drinking coffee and playing around with the office equipment, but she's running late and so i'm here by myself. well, i think there is a security guard, somewhere, but i've seen neither hide nor hair. which is, come to think of it, a tad creepy.


in the news:

- some caterpillars have been discovered to change their diet when they become infected with a parasite. scientists are shocked and thrilled with this discovery of organisms changing their diets and lifestyles to facilitate health and wellness. such a novel concept, let me tell you. shocking, really.
plus...
- i'm totally addicted to highhat. yay for the CBC - coming through for me in my time of need...

mothers lock up your sons

ok i'm back on the market.

send photos and or measurements to raspberry sundae.

i feel like poo.

this is the sentence i hate more than anything: "you are such an amazing person. i want to have you in my life - more than anything i don't want to lose what you bring to my life".

i say, bullshit. if i'm such a fucking amazing person why the hell am i still single?

update

so the last i heard from him was noon thursday "i'll give you a call back this evening".

at five pm today, saturday, i called him. he asks "what's going on?" i respond "what's going on with you? i haven't heard from you in two days?" he mumbles something about having to take care of some stuff. i ask "so are you just not interested in hanging out with me anymore?" honest question, i thought. he responds "i'll call you back. i can't talk now." and hangs up on me.

you know, i try and act really tough and like i don't really care. i pretend like i'm all flash and independent and stuff, but i feel things really deeply. and this makes me sad, 'cause i really like the new boy.

but i guess maybe i'm single? i don't even know...

puzzled sundae

ok so here's what i don't get. i'm a decent looking girl. like, when i'm on your arm other men aren't so discreet about checking me out - that's good for a guy's ego. but i'm not a hooch - i know how to act like lady when we are out in public. the dirty-dirty is for at home. and believe you me, i can do the dirty-dirty when we get home.

plus, i'm smart. granted, i'm no rocket scientist like nk but i do alright, iq- wise.

also - i'm nice. not really a mean bone in my body. i'll take a lot of shit before i stand up and tell you to fuck off.

ok so knowing all of these things about me, answer me something: WHY THE FUCK DOESN'T MY BOYFRIEND WANT TO HANG OUT WITH ME?

ok rant done.

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went to see motley crue last night. that was some crazy ass shit. i bet if you google "motley crue titty cam" you'll come up with some shots of the crowd.. pyrotechnics and a wicked wicked tech-style drum solo performed by the endowed-one tommy 'tbone' lee... i think the best part were all the 19 year old hoochie girls trying to out-hoochie the 45 year old hoochie women. talk about worlds colliding... also there were three people standing in front of us who knew every word, every rockstar pose, had every lick of costume down. worth the price of the admission alone, i swear to god.

looooong weekend

Everyone's watchin' to see what you will do
Everyone's lookin' at you, Oh
Everyone's wonderin' will you come out tonight
Everyone's tryin' to get it right, get it right

so this weekend i decided to take it for the team and work monday. however, this means that i get *today* off instead, which makes me happy happy happy. i'm crazy, i know, but i love being off while everyone else is slaving away - especially when there's not a cloud in the sky.

Everybody's workin' for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance
Everybody's goin' off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, Oh

i'm gonna go dahn-tahn with my lil bro and check out the cool little indie record store i introduced him to about a year ago, maybe hit some used bookstores for some beach reading, then meet up with mike b for dinner on a patio and some pre MOTLEY CRUE cocktails. yes, that's right, i said motley crue. i feel like i'm thirteen again, yo. my so-called-hipster friends are giving me the sneaky eye right now, cause i'm actually pretty excited about the prospects. but man, i have a great sense of kitsch and what are aging eighties hair bands but the epitome of tacky-fun? and, truth be told, i'm hoping that tommy lee will get his gear out so i can see it in person.

You want a piece of my heart
you better start from the start
you wanna be in the show
c'mon baby let's go

there are few things that make me happier than sunshiney days filled with shopping, cocktails, and live music. if i could just count on capping off the evening with a little sumpin sumpin, well then you'd have to pinch me so i could see whether or not i'd died and gone to heaven. but i've not spoken to the new boy barely at all this week, and i think he's going away for the long weekend. i'm kind of tired of being at the low end of his interests, let me tell you. whateva - i have two sets of tentative plans for tomorrow, and will probably blow off both of 'em cause something better almost always turns up.

Everyone's lookin' to see if it was you
Everyone wants you to come through
Everyone's hopin' it'll all work out
Everyone's waiting to hold you out

german said he's gonna write something hawt the next time he guest posts - i keep refreshing my own blog to see whether or not he's done it yet. he also got a sweet sweet mention from the the king of the blogodome tony tone toni pierce. now that's some sweet action.

Everybody's workin' for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance, hey yeah
Everybody's goin' off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, Oh

if only *i* could get a little tony pierce lovin', well then i'd know i've arrived cause he's the shizzle in my fanizzle to quote the snoop dee oh double gee. i'm not exactly sure what that means, but it sure sounds like a good thing, good golly. i've added a bunch of stuff to my sidebar - take a quick looky loo 'cause they're all fun reads and much more erudite than i.

You want a piece of my heart
you better start from the start
you wanna be in the show
c'mon baby let's go

i'm almost finished the harry potter, kidlets. i won't spoil it for you, i promise. k i'm outtie 'cause i can see sunshine just on the corner wearing a colourful peasant skirt and jangling a tambourine. she's calling my name and wants to know why i'm still in a nightie and glasses with a laptop in my lap when i could be outside feeling her kisses on my skin.

xo

Hey

You want a piece of my heart
you better start from the start
you wanna be in the show
c'mon baby let's go

boobs

seem to be a theme this week. perhaps this trend is in homage to my ass post. probably not, though. ken is evidently not a boob man. perhaps we should introduce him to the lovely pants.

today in brief....

In the two steps forward, one step back department, Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney vetoed a bill which allows women access to the 'morning after' pill. I wonder if soon he'll make all forms of birth control unavailable? I mean, if we are now considering it abortion when the sperm hasn't even had time to find the egg, how long can it be before preventing pregnancy is considered murdering a baby which may or may not have been created?

Yes I know this is the theory behind prohibiting birth control under strict Catholic doctrines, but come on now - this is 2005.

belly knots

i'm a worrier. dude - i get my worry on more frequently than an egg gets laid. i twist my stomach into knots, throw up whatever is in my belly, and pull my hair out strand by strand.

i'm like an ad campaign for obsessive compulsives: "OCD! Not Just for Handwashing Anymore!"

i'll get an idea in my head and work it over until i come up with the worst possible outcome, then get that thought planted in my brain where it takes root and grows up into full fledged paranoia.

yup, i worry.

this evening The Worry has to do with The New Boy. i called his mobile - a tinny voice told me that the line was temporarily unavailable. (commence jaw clenching, tummy roiling worry beads of sweat running through my system).

now, the new boy's phone is with Bell Mobility. he's had nothing but problems. frequently he gets phone messages four or five days after they were left. it's just something we've all learned to accept. rationally, i know it's a line thing, or something completely normal.

irrationally, i think to myself "he's changed his number so i couldn't call". this makes no sense because a)he's not really like that and b)we were speaking this afternoon making beachblanket bingo plans for tomorrow evening. it is, however, something that my Crazy Exboyfriend would do - you know, make plans with me then change his phone number. then call me two days later and get mad at me for being upset.

or, he'd just leave the bed in the middle of the night - saying he had to get some air - and disappear till the middle of the next day. again, he'd be mad at me for being upset.

or, he'd just stop accepting my phone calls for a few days, then call me and tell me that i was a dirty slut, based upon some imagined slight i'd visited upon him. he'd then proceed to verbally abuse me for a few moments, then hang up. he'd call back, repeat himself, i'd hang up. he'd call back - wash, rinse, repeat. then he'd show up at my house and tell me he loved me and he was sorry.

so anyway, i worry. and i get a little obsessive. i try not to, but sometimes it's hard.

and not hard in a good way.

hmphf.

today in brief....

vardan kushnir, the russian king of spam was found dead (allegedly beaten to death) in his moscow apartment. police are now interviewing millions of suspects.

gary mckinnon, a uk hacker who accessed us military computers via online windows based computers, is fighting extradition to the us. it'll be interesting to see whether or not the brits cave in to us demands - the states has never signed an extradition treaty with great britain, and, technically, the crimes were commited at mckinnon's home in the uk.

naturalkinds is feeling the weight of his tetris inadequacy.

creamo ciavarro has license plate envy.

german hearts emilio.

and i'm bored at work (again)....

the ass post

I have no ass. Well, that’s not entirely true – everyone has an ass. it's the spot where your legs join your torso. what i mean to say is... I have a very small ass. Big boobs; no ass. And, if I’m being entirely honest, here, my boobs aren’t that big. It’s just that, in comparison to the rest of my body, they look much larger than they are. And I think they’re kind of round, too, which adds to the illusion.

But I digress.

This isn’t a post about boobs, this is a post about The Ass. That’s right, The Ass – not my ass, not your ass, but THE ass… the booty. As in, my body too bootylicious; as in shake your rump; as in you can do it put your back into it – I can do it put your ass into it – put your back into it put your ass into it.

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with nk the other day. (it's true - if i enjoy your blog there is a good chance that i will harrass you, via inflamatory commenting, until you give me some other way of contacting you. then i will talk your ear off until sated - sexually or otherwise. anyhoo.) so nk and i were chatting and we got on the topic (somehow the topic always comes back to sex with me) of ass love - that is to say, the love *for* the ass and the love *of* the ass.

see, i'm a big fan of ass love in all its incarnations. i really do enjoy a good butt on a man or on a woman. a friend of mine has the perfect applebum - i can't help but stare at it fairly regularly. i'd like to touch it. her boyfriend would like to watch me touch it. i think she's a little afraid that one day, when i've been drinking ('cause we all *know* how i get when i've been drinking) i WILL touch it. and come on now - let's not kid - someday i probably will. just desserts for the night that her bf sprayed half a can of aerosol whipping cream into my butt crack.

i've got very few inhibitions when it comes to my body (other than letting people touch my feet or look at my belly). if we are intimate, i'm a-ok with you touching me where ever you feel like. and i will encourage you to play with my ass.there are a lot of nerve endings there - and it has the added lustre of being just a little bit more... naughty than other spots.

incidentally, when you google 'ass' a surprising number of reference to George W Bush come up.


on point, raspberry, on point. (got distracted by looking for fun bum pictures). *phew* - is it hot in here? there are thousands of nerve endings in the anus - particularly around the opening. sure it can hurt, if done improperly, but when practiced safely it's a grand day out. or in. or whichever. i especially like it when i'm standing beside a man in public and he discreetly slips his hand under my skirt and lets his fingers run up the curve of my ass - just on the inside. not porno style, but just enough to give me a shiver. beats any other form of pda's by a long shot, i gotta say. i recognize that anal sex is the new bisexuality - everyone's trying it, or talking about it, or whatever. you can google and come up with all sorts of helpful websites where people are only too willing to teach you how to properly stoke that fire. makes for an interesting read, regardless.

huh. damn i wish i wasn't irritated with the New Boy. i need to make a booty call.

help!

ok i need a distraction.. something to get me outside my head. here is my request to you...

can you comment with your top three favourite blog/website reads? i'm a) curious and b) desparate for amusement....

thanks!
xoxo
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nk is right. this rocks:

fuck you for leaving me slumped over like a sad teary pile of emo jello. fuck you for being so great in bed and making half my life a secret and tinting all my favorite books and movies and cds with your memory and burning your cute fucking facial expressions into my retinae and being such a cocksure bucket of charm and probably more of an asshole than i am willing to admit right now.

i have a date with my stereo and my shower head.

blue mondae

ok so i've taken some heat from someone i care about for the wordings of my last post. she felt that i was disrespectful towards women because of the what i said. i regret making her uncomfortable. however, this is also a person who should know that i don't care what size you are - good people (not just women, but all people) come in all shapes and sizes. unfortunately, so do bad people, or not so nice people, or bitchy people.

here's the back story to why i feel so crappy today. saturday, the new boy was very vocal about his intentions to bail on our plans for the evening, cause he decided (after making the plans with me) that what we were going to do would suck. (he ultimately decided to come with, but still - after listening to him plot his escape for most of the afternoon, i was disheartened at best). then, two other friends who were supposed to come out (i spoke to them and they were getting dressed) just didn't show up. no call, no nothing. then, after we got to our destination, my other friend just took off - stepped away for a few minutes, then called me half an hour later to say that he was just going home.

then i got to go to the pub and be completely disrespected by this woman. the new boy didn't even notice, but had the fucking balls to just believe that i was being a bitch.

then tonight.

where am i going with this? nowhere i guess. i'm sorry if i've offended you. it wasn't my intent. this is my space and the bulk of words that are placed upon this page are random thoughts and rants and other crap. some of it is true - some of it is just train of thought babble - me stringing words together cause they flow or cause that's the anger or joy or lust i'm feeling at the moment.

so again - sorry if i offended you. not my intention. you can't take me seriously - i'm just a stupid bitch who's wasting her life going from one meaningless relationship to another. why would you even listen?

(sorry i haven't written the ass post yet, nk - i promise i'll get to it, ok?)

so very hot out

i always forget about the weirdness of some women - especially single women who are, shall we say, advancing in their years.

we were out last night in a group made up mostly of friends of The New Boy. in this group were about 6 women, all told, and four men, though one of the men left fairly early on so we'll discount him. the collection of people was, therefore, comprised of a married couple, the new boy, the new boy's roommate, four woman over the age of 35, and me. three of the four women were of average attractiveness and slightly above average size (not fat, but probably size 11-12s? (i can hear the women of middle america screaming now: "11 *IS* average!!! - fuck you i'm a 4-6 depending. put down the goddamned cookie and get off the couch. 11 isn't average unless you are a highschool linebacker playing on the boys team and need to bulk up). one was of slightly more than average attractiveness, but had a decent body - rather slender, even. these four women had all known each other for some time, though with the exception of two who were roommates, didn't have super regular contact.

then there was me - the new, unmarried, cute girl. not saying i'm the best looking chick in the world, but i can hold my own in most crowds.

so the one woman from the group (the thin one) was clearly used to playing the role of the hot chick. she was the best looking of the four, and you could tell that she wasn't ready to relinquish that status. over the course of the evening, she engaged The New Boy in fairly intense conversation, which is fine, but cut me off rather rudely not once but three times when i attempted to participate. now, was she so threatened by me that she had to dominate conversation with my boyfriend as a way of feeling more sexually attractive or powerful than i? i didn't feel threatened by her in the sense that i was worried about the boy - i always know who he's coming home with - but i wouldn't have put it past her to hit on him if they'd stepped outside for a smoke together, or had a moment alone. you know when you just get that vibe from some people?

so anyway, it made for a weird night. i was quite content to sit and chat with the married couple - great great people - but i must say that i was disconcerted by being completely shut down by this woman.

*update* - just spoke with The New Boy. when i got quiet last night after the middle aged hippie was so rude, he just assumed i was being a bitch, didn't actually thing anything was wrong. how great is that?

fridae

it's 9.30-ish on a friday night. i'm lying in my bed with pigtails in, wearing a pair of baby blue shorty shorts and a matching camisole. i've got a big ol' glass of 50/50 raspberry vodka & pellegrino limonata over ice. i'm getting myself drunk with the intent of taking advantage of myself later. five bucks says i don't call myself until the next time i'm looking for a little girl on girl self love. but you know, i always call... eventually... 'cause dammit i'm good. i know just how much pressure to apply where - how fast to go - how slow - when to just pull my hands away (i like to be teased) - when to play with my nipples and how hard i like them squeezed...

but i digress.

i've been warned that i may receive a booty call a little later on. depending on how much vodka i drink, i may accept. i'm a real tart when i drink, see, but god knows whether or not i'll be in any state to drive. everyone i know has gone to see the black eyed oh-please tonight. catchy enough folks, but seriously the only real reason for going would be to hit on fergie. r-a-A-W-w-r. my colleague asked me today why chicks dig fergie (i guess his wife's a fan). my theory (and everyone knows i rule, so i must be correct) is that she's feminine - girly, even - but doesn't give the impression that she's a princess. same as gwen stefani. she's hot and she's totally girly, but you know she can still roll with the boys - get dirty, hang out, drink beer, and talk shit with the best of 'em. (i'm taking a page from german's book with the images. you know, just 'cause with women this hot it'd be a damn shame to not shine a light, know what i'm saying?) that's kind of what i aspire to. let's not kid - i'm a girly girl. i have french manicured toes right now (i did 'em myself, fyi. i *hate* it when people touch my feet (The New Boy could touch my feet right off the bat. wierd.)) my hair is in PIGTAILS, for chrissake, and i smell like mango body butter - i'm a GIRL..... mmm me and fergie and gwen in a bed. how fun would *that* be? wow.

(hey sweetie... how're you feeling tonight? can i refresh your drink? mmm you look like you have really soft lips. can i kiss them... just, you know, to see? - whoa down there baby. take your time. we got all night. no need to rush into anything. i know what you're looking for, and i guarantee you'll get more than you bargained for. you gotta play the game though. it's way more fun that way)

where was i? oh ya - a few years ago, i re-embraced the fact that i'm a girl. see, when you are doing women's studies & stuff, it's easy to get caught up in the 'no makeup natural woman' feminist thing. that doesn't have to be the case though, i figure. i mean, part of being a feminist should mean that if i want to show off my tah-tahs and wear heels and shimmery green eyeshadow if i feel like it, goshfukkit. of course, i could be wrong. i just don't really give a shit.

and that's the other side of it, i guess - i don't give a shit if people talk 'cause i dress like a girl. i'm feminine but i can TOTALLY hang with the boys - i always have, and i probably always will. ooo my tits are slipping out of my top. i'm so wanton sometimes. who'm i kidding? it's like they have a mind of their own, i swear. they just want to be played with. The New Boy doesn't play *nearly* enough attention to my tits. we'll have to talk about that. they feel a little neglected. (it's ok babies - i'll take care of you soon. you know i will...)
ok i'm giving myself the eye - i need a new drink and some serious attention, or i'm not going to get anywhere with myself tonight. forgive me, guys, but a girl's gotta get some, you know?

drunk on your love

or rather, still drunk on the bottle of wine that mischieviously disguised itself as dinner last night... or rather, i was when i got to work today.

'what did you do to me last night?' he asked. what are you talking about? i didn't do anything. 'but how did you get me so turned on? i was *loaded*. it shouldn't have worked at all.' i smile my mona lisa smile and shrug. he can't here that through the phone though. 'i wish you were here right now.' why's that? 'because i'm hard as a rock and i want to stay in bed fucking you all morning - how's that for an honest answer?' i like that kind of honesty...