sister don't reduce yourself

tnb's off on an emotional bender he's in a bad way he's acting like a thirteen year old girl slave to her hormones caught on the tumult rollercoaster of estrogen and breasts and bobby from fourth period math class.

that is, i haven't seen him in over a week 'cause he's "in a bad way" and he's doing the thing where he says he's going to call me back and doesn't and he's out getting drunk with his buddies every night and i get seven minutes of conversation a day and he warned me that he's moody so really i can't complain, can i?

fuck that.

he needs to shake his head and realize that i'm the star of this show, and he's just the romantic interest.

i beat the shit out of myself wondering what i've done wrong. you can't tell me that it's not me it's him 'cause i'm a bit ocd and that means everything including my relationships and if there's something wrong it must be my fault and how can i reorganize to make it all line up in perfect little rows?

this is the point where i look into the camera and have one of those little monologues where i address the audience about how i feel, and all the men fall in love with me and some of the women too (the rest wish they knew where to get my snappy pink jacket and what hair products i use to get such a shine) and everybody's shaking their head thinking 'why doesn't she just smarten up? there's that other handsome man who thinks the world of her she should just head on over to his place and make crepes and drink expresso and talk about music and literature and maybe have a heated philosophical argument which can only be resolved in a hot sweaty body slapping beneath the blankets fashion?'

well, cause that's hollywood and this is the real world and in the real world there is no other handsome man.

at least for now.

*********************************************************************
9fourteen a.m. update -

i just received an email with the following subject line:

"jesus invites you to join myspace".

that's gotta be a sign.

he's ba-aack

yay! german's back!

fall back day

they're talking about changing our time. they're talking about doing away with fall back. they're talking about eliminating daylight savings, to be more like the freakin' americans. it'll be too confusing, they say. we don't really need it anymore - electricity and all that. outdated ideas. i say, fuck that shit. it's magic, that hour, when you roll your clock from two to one and give yourself sixty minutes that didn't exist before. everybody always says "i wish there were more hours in the day - i wish i had just one more hour". here's your hour. here's your wish come true. savour it - getting your wishes doesn't happen very often (ever).

but only tony pierce could turn it into the world's smoothest dance move.

last night we got dressed up and went out to see some bands at a dirty dirty club downtown. why do people use hallowe'en as an excuse to get so loaded that they puke all over tables at clubs before midnight BEFORE midnight? is it the mask? is it the costume that gives you the superhero sense that you are not accountable for anything you do? it's like the anonymity of mob mentality wrapped up in a single serve package - you have all sorts of idiots acting like individual idiots rather than one big idiot. give me the mob, i say. at least you can see a mob from down the street, all torches and pitchforks looking for a monster to stake, maybe cross over and safely stay out of the way. individual idiots are harder to spot.

and then they mate - grind each other on the dance floor, eyes heavy lidded barely concious his leg between hers rubbing against the seam of her jeans. (you know that doesn't feel very good, guys, why do you always do it?). they go home and fumble about with the condom and maybe don't put it on right and hopefully she's on the pill or else you don't just have two idiots all of a sudden you've got three, and maybe a scorching case of herpes.

happy hallowe'en baby. it's the gift that keeps on giving.

a guy dressed like a mexican cowboy walked past and raised his arm in a salute. i smiled. he walked back the other way - made eye contact and did it again. so i responded in kind, prompting him to come over and ask us to scratch his moustache.

now there's the best line i've heard all week.

i was giggling too hard to be of any use but the sister obliged. he chatted with us briefly about the perils of stick on facial hair and the scent of the evening, then thanked us graciously and took his leave, saying as he went "you two are both very pretty." he was the nicest person in vancouver, last night, and i hope that his evening brought him whatever happiness he sought.

bandwagon

so i've resisted the whole rubber band bracelet trend, thus far. thus far, i say, because today in the mail i received a glow-in-the-dark hershey's chocolate one. now *there*'s a cause i can get behind - let's not kid.

i'm also resisting the urge to wash a tablet down with my sleepy time tea. why am i resisting, you ask? well because i keep telling myself that not sleeping through the night isn't *really* doing me any damage - physiological or psychological. never mind the fact that i couldn't go to work yesterday, but didn't sleep at all during the day, or the fact that i puked up my lunch today and was (am) running a total fever. never mind the fact that i'm so exhausted that my arms hurt.

tnb is off for the weekend partying with his buddies. i wish he'd invite me, once in a while. things are ok though, i think. i asked him last night if he was avoiding me, if i'd done something wrong. he replied that he warned me that he was moody - that he's just having a bad week. that i couldn't possibly ever do anything wrong - it's not in me (says him)(fat lot he knows). i know that he has these times. it doesn't mean that it feels any better when they happen. ah well - whatever.

my weekend should be fun, though. i'm going shopping and lunching with my sister (yay! sister!) and getting dressed up for hallowe'en live music fun tomorrow night. that is, if i can get my ass out of this bed. i love lying here in the dark with quiet music playing, listening to the cars swoosh past on the wet road outside. i think that i understand tnb's tendency to isolate himself from people he's emotionally vulnerable to because i do it myself. which is why i'm here, in my bed, in the dark, talking to you.

grrr.

Next on the list of stuff that pisses me off:

The Kashechewan reserve has been under a boil water advisory for two years because of dilapidated water treatment plant. Two years, and neither the Canadian Federal Government nor the Ontario government have taken action. Until now, that is. Now that 60% of the population is in need of serious medical care. They are going to airlift 1100 people out of the community to nearby hospitals. 1100 people are afflicted with various ailments from using contaminated water – including eczema, scabies and other skin diseases. Canadians reacted with horror as the American government waited a couple of days to respond to the devastation inflicted upon New Orleans by hurricane Katrina, yet we’ve sat back and said nothing when northern communities such as this one, and three-quarters of the other 633 native communities investigated in a 2001 Indian Affairs study, live with a substandard, even dangerous, water supply. The Walkerton commission long ago recommended that all native water systems be monitored by the Federal Government but nothing has been done, and no one has said a word.

Perhaps we should allocate some of our earthquake relief charity money, or some of our hurricane relief fund, to build decent water treatment plants in our own poorer communities.

I’m just sayin.

tarot

"The card in the center represents the present status or challenge of the relationship. King of Cups: The essence of water behaving as air, such as a billowing cloud in the blue sky: Great maturity, endless patience, tolerance of other points of view, and a deep knowledge of human nature. One who intuitively knows the strengths of those around him, and gently cultivates them. Remaining calm and relaxed in all situations, and making artful use of diplomacy or a quiet word to resolve conflicts. The ability to listen to what another person is saying, and truly understand what is in their heart. A rewarding partner and a beloved leader."

funny!

ok ciavarro has the best reaction to condy's visit that i've ever seen. you know he's sayin' stuff that pierre pettigrew and paul martin are thinking, or mumbling to each other over a shared urinal cake and one of those little mats with gdub's visage screenprinted onto it. you know it's true.

tnb is sick - i spoke with him briefly at ten-ish yesterday morning and he could barely formulate a thought, never mind a coherent sentence. i haven't heard from him since, and he wasn't picking up his phone last night. i hope this means that he's recuperating in a dark room with a good book and a mug of tea and a fluffy quilt, not that he's doing the 'avoid raspberry for a week before breaking up with her again' thing. i also hope that he didn't manage to pass on his disease during our exchange of bodily fluids this past weekend. i hate being sick. i do have like 9 sick days left for the year, though, so maybe now would be a good time for a viral vacation.

work is kind of slow this past couple of weeks - it always scares me when i don't have enough to do. i'm not one of those people who takes the slow times as sweet reward for working your ass off during the busy times. i just look for little projects to keep myself busy and so end up tangled up in data mining and other fun afternoon delights. idle hands and all. i wish i could just kick back and play highhat but i always feel guilty. it's not like when i was writing my thesis and could justify hours spent in front of the magical sparkly goodness which is bejeweled. damn ethics.

please take

a moment. rosa parks passed away yesterday, at 92. fifty years after she refused to give up her bus seat for a white man. fifty years after she catalyzed the civil rights movement in the united states.

fifty years and what has changed? the mostly white american government is still putting it's thumb down on people of colour, people of spirit, people of other religions. fifty years after after martin luther king organized a boycott of buses that instigated the 1964 civil rights act.

fifty years.

take a moment.

then refuse to get on the bus.

my too sense

ok so i've not weighed in on this whole james bond thing, as i didn't really have an opinion before. now, having seen layer cake, all i can say is bring on daniel craig. you just know that the bond producers saw that flick and immediately forgot about ewan, jude and hugh. they just don't have that... edge. that dark sexiness. i think d.craig does. but that's just imho.

dude i just saw an ad for an at home difibulator - that's the wrong spelling but i mean those things that they use on er when someone's croaking. makes for good television, but do we really want mom and pop american shocking the heck out of uncle joe after he's had too much bourbon?

ok so this is not even seven minutes with sundae, but i've got insomnia and i have a seriously limited attention span right now. plus i have a cake in the oven. as opposed to a bun. no buns here.

i'll try and weigh in tomorrow morning with a weekend recap and some deep and heartfelt expressions of the love that i feel for the world and for the little bottle of sleeping pills here on the desk beside me.... xoxoxo

today's c&h quotation>

"Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles."

so true... so true...

speaking of whims - i spent a small fortune on vanilla scented candles and their accoutrements last night. i went home and lit a few 'round the bedroom to create a soft and romantic light - you know, the kind in which almost everyone looks like a supermodel. or is that when i have my eyes closed? whichever.

anyway. i lit all these candles but then spent the next while in a state of near panic because i'm *really* tired and i haven't been sleeping at *all* well and i was terrified i'd fall asleep with one or two lit and then burn the house down. so i blew them out. and here i had thought for a bit i was going to get lucky with myself, but when i'm all stressed and anxious like that there's just no point in even making the effort - i know i'm too wound up to really enjoy myself. god knows i've not been sleeping. there's nothing more frustrating than putting your best moves on yourself only to hear 'not tonight, baby, i'm too tired".

speaking of best moves, nk has a girl visiting, and ciavarro is celebrating an anniversary with his beer and his commenters.

have a good day - i'm going to drink coffee till i can't see straight in an effort to stay awake....

fuckitty

"I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a crual trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it."

a quote from calvin & hobbes that someone told me today. it is relevant. trust me.

so i'm trying to give the kiddo girl advice, and wishing i was a man. you know, of the gender persuasion which simply listens to their cohort bitch about the opposite sex, grunts appreciatively (but not unsympathetically), and cracks beers till one or the other (or even, bless them, both) of the parties (preferably he who has been shat upon by the creature of *my* gender persuasion) passes out.

but i'm not, so i try and offer pithy bits of advice in true female (and, dare i say mom-like fashion. ineffectually, i might add. harumph.

good morning!

this is always my favourite time of the day - just before seven am. the coffee is brewing in the kitchen area; the lights are still all off; i'm the only person in the office. i sit, check my email, listen to any voicemail, read blogs and eat cereal. it's a nice way to just *ease* yourself into the day.

i expect to be deathly ill, imminently. i've been soaked to the skin by freezing cold rain twice this weekend, and have had little sleep. i did, however, consume such delicacies as alligator and pistachio encrusted catfish this weekend, which may have enough prophylactic properties to ward off ebola and/or bird flu.

plus/minus girlfriend stats:

friday night:
plus: i crawled into bed with tnb instead of staying out later and sleeping with a band member
minus: i crawled into bed with tnb at 2.30 am when he had to get up for work at 7, and was freezing cold so fully woke him up.

sunday morning:
plus: i brought bake yourself chocolate croissants to have with breakfast, and baked them up to share with tnb and his roommate
minus: i made tnb go out in the rain to tenbucks to get me an americano to drink with the fresh croissants

my point exactly

last night i went to see the constantines at richards. i kept talking them up. i kept saying to people, all through this concert going orgy of a summer, yaya these guys are ok but wait till we go see THE CONSTANTINES. people looked at me like i was nutso 'cause we were going to pearl jam and oasis and the killers and green day and u2 and and i kept saying yes but the CONSTANTINES.

ok so i did download the new constantines cd a couple of months ago. like a couple of months before it was released. i couldn't wait, yo. i felt bad when i did it, but shit, what's a girl to do when she's aching for a fix and someone says to her "ya so on the indie torrent site they have advance issue 'tournament of hearts' for your pirating joy". last night on stage they made a little 'please listen to our album it's available for download on the internet' comment. but dude i bought six tickets SIX TICKETS and we bought two tshirts and so that's worth the fifteen dollars i would have spent on the cd 'cause at least two of the people i brought with me will go buy the disk today or this weekend or this week or something and there i feel better about it a little.

and last night we went to see them and it was my second time in a little club (the first being the night lil bro took me to see them with the weaker thans when the weaker thans were weaker than and i hearted the cons from the moment they took the stage). they fucking kicked the club's ass across town and back and played their hearts out and i hearted them even more. like i can't BELIEVE how good they are when they're live and when they're on the disk and when you sit down and drink beer with them after 'cause somehow i started talking to will and then to dallas (who i secretly love and wrote an ode to) and then we ended up going to the after party and drinking drinking drinking and sitting and talking to the keyboard player from the hold steady who was oh so very new yahwk.

but seriously - all i can say is go to the website. check the tour dates. if they come to your town fucking go 'cause they are what live music is supposed to be - rough and hard and melodic and wonderful and they're seriously the best. it'll be the best fifteen dollars you spend, even if you do pay for the cd.

word of the day

when i grow up i want to be a propheciographer. i want to walk the earth, recording the predictions of madmen (and women), children, and old people. i want to cast the future in rhythm and ink - stand at the edge of a cliff, tearing my parchment to shreds and let the wind take my words away. that way, someday, you'll be standing on your front porch, and a scrap of paper will scatter across the walk, with the leaves and a plastic wrapper from a cigarrette package. you'll stoop down, pick it up, and understanding will overwhelm your heart. you'll send the page back into the atmosphere, turn inside, and sip tea, thinking of me.

st vincent's school for wicked girls

here's a bout of random nothingness.

i'd like to have lucy liu on my lap all freckles and dress giggling and smiling at me.

not so much seal - hot supermodel wife or not.

the other night at tnb's place the guinness was spurting out all over the place every time he opened one so we thought maybe it had taken a ride in the coors light pimpinride. turns out it had been ferried dahn-tahn in a volvo with structurally challenged shocks. go volvo.

there is no escape from the fortress of the moles, but maybe if i keep talking the nothingness will fade away.

i have to go make turkey soup. xoxo

happy turkey day

dinner was for eleven. i cooked it all - even made the desserts (three countem) by myself. casualties - my waistline and a crystal glass which belongs to my mama. i will probably be dead this time tomorrow, so this may be the last time we chat.

tnb stayed over last night. i asked him if he remembered talking to me friday night. he said 'why, what did i say?'. so i told him. to which he responded with, alternately, disbelief and something closely bordering panic. he said 'you can't take anything i say when i'm passing out too seriously". i said ouch. then i laged at hsi ass for being such a geek.

law & order svu is on. the cops are walking through a "rave". they are all old and dressed very outlandishly, and they are at least a head taller than all of the "ravers".

i feel disoriented and or sort of uneasy. i'm not sure why, but my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. it's seven forty5. i think i'm going to wash, drink some sleepy time tea and go to bed. maybe it'll dull my thoughts or something.

------------------------

aha! my computer keeps crashing so i've been saving as draft - i've lost like four entries this week 'cause it crashes whilst i'm mid-thought. no sooner had i saved as the damb thing rebooted itself.


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another wierdness - my sis just called. she has the same sense of unease and uncertainty today that i do. must be the weather.... k i'm gonna go to bed and watch bad network television. g'nite kids. i hope your bellies are full and that you've rememberd to give thanks for all your friends old and new. xoxo

crash, bang, boom

so last night mikeb and i went to see the arcade fire with wolf parade and belle orchestre. it was a cacophony of sound and light and people and i got squished and nearly knocked off the guardrail (which is better than the guy beside me who got shoved off by the security guard) and i loved every second of it. they stood on the stage and played their hearts out and reminded me why i like seeing bands way before they get big-big when they still care about what's going on and not just about the benjamins (green day excluded, clearly). it's why i'm looking so forward to the constantines next week.

tnb had a boy's night last night. i was the happy recipient of three countem drunken phone calls over the course of the evening, the lastest being at about 2.30am as he was tucking his wasted self into bed. here's the scary thing - as he was hanging up, barely conscious, he said to me "i love you".

that's the first time, you know, the first time he's said that. he's not really that kind of person - the kind of person who talks about their feelings or expresses their emotions freely. he's old school. he calls me twice/threetimes daily especially when he's away and that's how i know he's thinking about me and i'm good with that, cause that's the kind of man my dad is, and that's the kind of guy i grew up with - you know they care 'cause they'd fight to the death to defend you from threats real and imagined and 'cause they tuck you up beside them when you are cold and 'cause they always ALWAYS walk on the outside of the sidewalk so you are safe between them and the buildings but they're not the types who write love letters and poems and bring flowers just 'cause. if you need that sort of validation you should just move on, 'cause you'll never find it here and make yourself and him crazy looking for it.

but anyway, he was loaded and he said it and i said it back 'cause i think i'm pretty sure it's true i've been sort of thinking that for a while (since somewhere in the middle of his last away trip) but will he remember and if he remembers will it freak him out that he said it?

i'll never say it first, you know, even if i'm thinking it. we could be together for fifty seven years and if you don't say it first i'll go to my grave holding it in. but if you say it to me and i feel it i have no problem telling you with truth and hope and brightness and sunshine. until that day i'll just show you in ten thousand different ways that you are in my thoughts and my heart.

but he said it and my heart exploded in my chest and i sat awake trembling for fifty seven minutes afterwards and now i'm anticipating/dreading his waking up and maybe remembering saying it and maybe regretting it or maybe not remembering and which would be worse i can't really tell.

(these freeform thoughts of mine are always run on sentences 'cause that's how my brain works. rapid fire words and images synapsing straight from nerve ending to fingertip to keyboard.)

either way - it'll be an interesting day.

oh and thanksgiving dinner is for nine, not seven.

i know, i know

i've been a poor hostess. i'm like the girl who invites people over to her place, then gets a call about a hot dj at a club downtown and takes off without telling anyone, after she hides the key to the martini cabinet.

but i'm back now, clad in fishnets and a frilly apron, dispensing cheez whiz celery sticks, mini gherkins and pimento-olives.

guess who's going to see the arcade fire with mike b?! me, that's who! how excited am i? arcade fire tonight, the killers thursday, constantines friday.... the world rocks. not to mention that oh-oh-ohlund scored the first goal in wednesday's game.... *fans self*.

i had a long chat with german today. he had to take his site down 'cause he was threatened with some kind of legal action for mentioning a place he used to work. i'm not sure if his former employers have any grounds for doing this, but it's unfortunate nonetheless. i'll miss him - he was one of my daily stops for sure.

i have to make a shopping list and hit the grocery store. i am cooking dinner for seven (maybe more?) people on sunday night, and my cupboard is bare. i am, however, procrastinating 'cause all i want to do is sit here in my jammies and blog blog bloggity blog about how tnb came home two days early and how we spent an hour and a half in the shower wednesday night (i HeArT apartment building hot water tanks) in the steam and the candlelight, and how when we got out my legs were shaking so bad that i sat down and watched them bounce and laughed laughed laughed. then he looked at me and said "we aren't done yet. get your ass over here" and i forgot about my legs.

but i can't think about that now 'cause i need to go shopping. and i do actually really like shopping, i'm just being a grump-a-saurus.

xoxo

toes etc

I’m sitting at work writing this in a word document so that it kind of looks like I’m being productive. Maybe if I throw in some mad bullet point kind of situation… hang on… wait for it…

• here
  
• it
  
• goes
  
• bullet
  
• point
  
• madness

K done with that sheeyat. I’ve had my ipod plugged into my head all day, throwing down a crazy mix of lyrics born, late eighties Britpop, moody melacholybabies, and the guerillas. Just for spice, you know, cause damon ‘I heart raspberry sundae’ albarn is nothing if not spicy.

I think I added too much happy Mondays, though, cause they are coming up with disturbing frequency, causing me to flail my arms about (flail! Ha you said flail!) and wiggle in my chair needlessly. People keep walking up behind me and talking to me, but I CAN’T HEAR YOU when I’ve got my headphones in, don’t just talk to me, call my name call my name.

It’s a stereophonic sound spectacular and I ain’t gettin off for nobody.

Well, except myself, and my mobile phone lover, for the next few days, but three more sleeps THREE MORE SLEEPS and I may actually be getting’ some in person. I swear this out of town crap may be the death of me. I feel as though it’s been years and years and years. Yes, german, I know that you are in much more dire straights, but dammit I’m selfish when it comes to sex I want it all for me.

That’s a lie, actually, I’m a very giving partner who’d rather give *you* pleasure than take it for myself.



Ahem.

Anyway.


It’ll be a couple more days regardless.

I plan to meet him at the door in my new bra & undies, wearing thigh high stockings and holding a bottle of wine. The wine may or may not hit the tile floor. At least there is no carpet anywhere in the vicinity, but I should probably investigate the impact (ha!) of red wine on slate tile, and whether or not it will permanently stain grout. I shall lead him to the bedroom where there will be candles and possibly strawberries or some other edible romantic waste of money – let’s not kid, things will be eaten but the strawberries shall sit idly by.

Then I’m going to make his toes curl. Then he’ll turn me over and do it to me. And all will be right with the world once again.

'cause i'm a lazy ass...

tnb may have been on my mind, as i shopped around with my mama.you see, last night we had phone sex for like two hours, and so i woke up feeling sleepy and contented. i ended up coming home with $50US in yummy smelling body lotion and approx. the same value in black lace undergarments. i'm just saying - he may have been on my mind.

so i'm feeling kind of lazy and still sleepy so i'm going to steal thirty8 questions from tonypierce.

1. What is your full name now? raspberry sundae III

2. What color trousers are you wearing? Blue jeans.

3. What are you listening to right now? ipod full of brit pop goodness - happy mondays, stone roses, charlatansUK

4. What was the last thing you ate? dark chocolate peanut m&ms

5. Do you wish on stars? yes - always the same wish, too

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? deep blue, but not navy blue. more like midnight blue, or the colour of stormclouds at one am on a summer night.

7. How is the weather right now? sunny and fall-esque.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? tnb

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? i stole it from tony. i'm sure he's lovely.

10. How old are you today? 33 and a third

11. Favorite soft drink? coca cola

12. Favorite sport? hockey or track, other forms of indoor sports which involve being naked, kissing and hunting for your underwear when you are finished.

13. Hair color? blonde

14. Siblings? 2.

15. Favorite food? dark chocolate

16. What was the last movie you saw? lords of dogtown

17. Favorite day of the year? hallowe'en

18. What was your favorite toy as a child? books books and more books (why did i keep typing boobs, dr freud? whyowhy?)

19. Summer or winter? summer except for christmas eve then it's gotta be winter

20. Hugs or kisses? kisses. with tongue. and teeth.

21. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate - the darker the better

22. Do you want your friends to email you back? in general? of course.

23. Who is most likely to respond? oh i don't know

24. Who is least likely to respond? ???

25. Living arrangements? well the head of the bed points south, but that's supposed to be not good for my feng shui.

26. When was the last time you cried? a bit while driving home last night

27. What is under your bed? some games, a couple of rugs that i don't have room for.

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest? i don't know... people come in and out of my life. weirdly the person in my life right now that i've known the longest is tnb.

29. What did you do last night? watched lords of dogtown and ate hummus and olives with mike b

30. Favorite TV shows? csi

31. What are you afraid of? being alone. something bad happening to the kiddospiders.

32. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? salted and lightly buttered, but i'm allergic so no popcorn! none!

33. Favorite car? 1967 mustang shelby 500GT

34. Favorite Flower? raspberry sundae peony, snapdragons, tulips

35. Number of keys on your key ring? 4 - house, car, work, and one for stacylicious' old house (purely sentimental...)

36. Favorite vacations? i like camping, and i like going to spain

37. Three Bloggers who don't blog enough: mike b, sarah b, deaner

38. Six friends who you are tagging: oh i don't like to tag - do it if you want and let me know. i'll read the answers 'cause i'm a curious little leo kitty.

ok here goes

somebody's gotta say it, so it may as well be me.

the guys from motley crue, from oasis, from (yes even from) the foo fighters, from velvet revolver, from u2, and most especially mostest especially from pearl jam need to sit down at a table with little wire bound looseleaf notebooks and pencils and maybe a couple of colours of highlighter for emphasizing the important bits and take some classes from those upstart former punk currently (maybe always) pop hooligans that are green day. they need to be reminded of what it means to put on an arena show. they need to be reminded of what it is to entertain in this kind of large venue. they need to listen to billie joe when he talks to them about striking a pose and singing to the rafters and pulling kids up on stage to shoot squirt guns and play the drums and run across to stage dive into the crowd. they need to remember that the show is to thank your fans for buying your cd's downloading your tracks for ninety9 cents for watching your videos and buying your dvds and when you get on the stage it's not about ego or about pissing and moaning 'cause you're really a *small* venue band, folks and you just can't communicate in these echo-y ampitheatres. so stay fucking home and count your bills, dude, don't charge me $79 and then not even bring what you've got. i haven't got that kind of money and if i wanted you to just reproduce your last cd i would have burned it off the 'net and stayed home in my jammies. that's what i think.
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i woke up in a monthly cranky, kids, and it took me most of a day and a giant's share of ritter dark chocolate with whole hazelnuts to shake it. actually, it's still kind of there so i'm drinking wine and eating more chocolate and trying to convince myself that calories consumed while pms'ing don't stick around to be fatmakers 'cause they're too afraid of my surly mood. fortunately, today i received a bag full of cookies from pat the postman so i can eat them all and not worry about letting myself go.
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hey, it's german'sbday so go say merry happy.

whoa hey holy

i'm nineteen hits away from being 20000 leagues under the sundae. that's kind of a milestone, i figure. what to do to celebrate? i am open to suggestions.

tnb is off working for two weeks again. yes, that's another two weeks without sex. by this time next week i should be randy and definately off my rocker. today, as revenge for leaving me, i text messaged him a detailed description of what my underwear looked like.

woo just took a huge hiatus to read dlisted... it's like the soft core they show at midnight on global, i swear. i love it and yet it makes me feel o-so-dirtay and unfulfilled inside...

i am eating two bite brownies in honour of nk. he's having a bit of a rough week or so, so i'm eating squishy chocolate goodness in solidarity. i know he objects to my blatant disregard for grammar and all things capitalized, however, i am woman enough to take his opinion under consideration and decide that i shall keep doin' it my way regardless.

other than that, not much is going on. i gained five pounds FIVE POUNDS (ok not really i'm completely exaggerating, but i do have a small taste for the hyperbole) this weekend at impromptu dinner parties - it was grand fun and i'd do it again next weekend except i fear being accused of letting myself go. mind you, i'd have to buy a new wardrobe, which would be a-ok in my books. and my boobs would become bigger, growing in size and mass with every single two bite brownie i ingest. or not every one, just every other one.

i have to maybe read some comedy or perhaps some fantasy or other more positive types of novel before i go to bed for a while. i dreamt last night that someone pissed me off so i duct taped their arms and legs together, dragged them into the middle of a swamp, opened up a vein and left them there for the animals to dispose of...

i heart weekends, too

got up early-ish, left a sleeping tnb in bed, hit the tenbucks downstairs for an americano and a chocolate croissant (natch), the rushed to the hairdressers for three hours of massage, herbal tea and girltalk.

can a day get better, you ask? why yes, yes it can, actually - the sun's shining on a frickin unbelievable fall day, tnb just called to find out when i was coming back for an evening of movies and couching, and my new hair is cute cute cute.

happy saturdae!

tonight's the night

tonight's the season premiere of csi. i heart csi - it's the only show i watch with any kind of regularity. i'm just not that into tv. i could be in that book that came out last year, except they'd have to change the title from 'he's just not that into you!' to 'raspberry's just not that into...' and insert a long list of nouns. like tv. and brussels sprouts. and being bored.

it's way more fun to talk about what you are into than what you aren't into. the pseudonymonous dean simon has a great post about anal sex right now. the raspberry is into that. (caveat - when done right. when it's wrong, it's oh-so-wrong). heck, i wrote the ass post in honour of all those extra nerve endings...

the raspberry is also into these books by some guy named john connolly. i have a total crackhead's weakness for mystery novels, but i'm a connoisseur of mystery novels - a gourmand, even. i like 'em well written. i like books in series 'cause i love to watch characters develop. i like the american style of mystery novel, rather than the british. but more than all that i like mystery novels, pulp fiction, cotton candy floss fiction, which refute the idea that a 'paperback novel' is a lower form of literature than something vintage books puts out in trade paperback and charges 21.99 for. don't get me wrong. my master's level education is in english literature. i know that there's a difference between most novels you pick up off the rack at shoppers drug mart, and the kind that get studied in that first year guppy course you laboured through in a lecture hall full of three hundred other people who only read the coles notes to romeo and juliet, and figured that even that was a stretch of their patience. i know that there's a difference. i just agree with umberto eco.

when he wrote the name of the rose he set out to create a mystery novel that was not just a mystery novel. he wanted to create an 'open text' - a book that has multiple layers of meaning,and is open to a multiplicty of interpretations. he took pop culture seriously way before the tao of homer. he understands that you bring your intelligence to any reading, and that i can read jane austen and think of nothing more than how fucking boring it is, but you there, ya you, can watch wwf wrestling or go see the strippers at the number five and come away with a deeper understanding of human nature.

this john connolly guy writes smart thrillers. like - i LOVE him as a writer. he's my new fave. i love his writing style. i love the fact that, in his first book, his villain quoted and drew inspiration from john donne. i love the fact that, aside from mentioning some gray hair sneaking in, you don't know what charlie parker (the hero in the series) looks like. i love how he defines evil as a void - as an absence of empathy, making reference to the nuremberg trials. i like that he uses words and ideas that, if you are so inclined, you can stop reading, look up and stare off into the distance, and think about for a while. it makes me happy.

so now i just need to get the new one. it just came out, though, so won't be in paper for a while, which sucks 'cause i read them so fucking fast that it hurts me to pay forty dollars for a book (and don't say go to the library 'cause when i love an author i put his or her books in rotation and go back to them again and again. libraries frown at you when you refuse to relinquish their possessions, and they just don't understand your need to hold them touch them carry them in your bag not even put it on the floor at night when you finally shut the light off eyes burning from reading so long arms sore from holding the book aloft).

anyway, i have to wait. i've read the series (all four) over again in the last two weeks. actually, it wasn't until last saturday when i popped into a used book store on my way home from tnb's place that i found book two. it took me just over 24hours to finish. see why hardcover's not really an option? well, maybe for christmas, i guess. (see! this is why i need a sugardaddy!)

list

i need:

• change for a fiver
  
• a pair of great brown shoes, with a heel
  
• another black cardigan
  
• some fall/winter tops for work
  
• more in-person two-am wakeup calls
  
• to be entertained
  
• to be inspired
  
• the next john connolly book
  
• more income and/or
  
• a sugardaddy
  
• a haircut
  
• to go for a walk in the sunshine
  
• six more months of summer
  
• a white christmas
  
• for the constantines show to be tomorrow
  
• a waterfront apartment with a view of the mountains in a small town
  
• to hear the words which are my heart's desire
  
• to be able to write like this person.
  
• or this person
  
• or this person
  
• to load myself up, with whatever puts me all the way up
  
• to drink more wine
  
• to buy tanning minutes so that my mood doesn't fall down down down with the rain rain rain all winter
  
• to watch the season premier of CSI (tomorrow! do *not* call between the hours of nine and ten!)
  
• to judge a topless cookie bake-off between this girl and this girl
  
• to visit this person
  
  what do you need?
  
  what do you need?

buh-jiggity

so i came home from worked and baked a banana chocolate chunk cake. then i made a mango ginger veggies & tofu stirfry. then i baked double chocolate chunk cookies. as i was taking the second batch out of the oven, my mama looked at me and asked "oh dear. did you and tnb have a fight?"

see, i cook (specifically bake) when i'm stressed. and there's really no reason for me to be stressed - i just have a general sense of unease, you know? i can't quite put my finger on it - i just feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

i think part of it is that i spent pretty much the whole weekend at tnb's place. i didn't have a whole lot of quality raspberry time - just a hungover sundae afternoon on the deck (which doesn't really count 'cause i was noxiously exuding stale red wine vapours and could barely stand myself).

oh well - i'm sure i'll figure it all out. or not - perhaps i'll just self destruct in a cinammon tinted chocolate explosion of fresh baked goodness. betcha that'd be a bitch to get out of the carpet....

sundae night

i've been having a bad food weekend, so i've adopted my emergency 'stop eating and drink lots' strategies to avoid excessive vomitting. mind you, after the second bottle of wine last night, i thought to myself "i bet tomorrow morning i'm going to wish i'd eaten dinner". and guess who was right? that's right - it was the girl with the headache. i haven't had one of these in a while - you know the kind where all i can keep down is turkey, white rice and toast. i guess i was due. tnb ran out yesterday morning to buy me soy milk so i could have cereal when i got up - i felt really bad but i couldn't eat it 'cause i would have tossed for sure. of course, i didn't explain this to him. my allergies confuse/upset him. i just ate toast. mmmmtoastmmmmm.


i guess it's a result of the crappy week at work... but we won't talk about that now.

meh - i got nuttin. i took a bubble bath and drank a mug of sleepytime tea, so i'm practically comatose. i'll try and be more entertaining tomorrow, i promise....

o be joyful

'cause that shit spreads...

tnb is back in town - he called while i was on The Quest for Jeans - Day Six. i immediately abandoned the quest for jeans, and went on a quest for slutty undies. in green, of all colours, 'cause that's what he asked for. it's hard to find green slutty undies. but, perservere i did, and conquer the mall, i did. i even bought a bra without the slight padding at the front. see, i have big nipples. not the roundabout part, but the nipple themselves, are rather large. so when it's, shall we say, chilly, you can tell i'm not so warm. and i'm rarely warm, kids, let's be honest, here.

but tnb enjoys the nipple display, so i purchased a bra that is just mesh at the front. just for him. ain't i sweet?

ah, shit. who'm i kidding? i'm so horny that, at this point, he could tell me that full length calico flannel nightgowns and caps (a la little house on the prairie) make him hot and i'd be hauling out the sewing machine. just call me laura fucking ingalls.

holy crap

clearly i'm not one of those people meant to go without sex.

clearly.

i mean, i have had self-imposed dry spells, but those are, somehow, different than there being someone with whom you *should* be having regular sex and being unable to. like a whole world apart.

i may go nuts.

i've been knocking boots with myself at *least* once a day, and i'm just freakin' insatiable. like, i just did it. and i could do it again.

right

now.

seriously, though, it's only been a week. A WEEK. can you imagine the state of affairs on friday when tnb gets home? 'hi raspbMBPH!' (greeting broken off as tnb is tackled by flying naked blonde girl). i tried to talk him into a little cellular love last night, but he was worried that the guy he's sharing his hotel room with would look at him askance if he took the phone into the bathroom and didn't come out for an hour. i suggested that he give him a dollar and tell him to go buy some gumballs, and that there'd be a prize if he came back with all lime flavoured. i said i'd even repay the dollar. i'm not sure he understood that i was serious. obviously, tnb has more self control than i do, cause - let's not kid - i would have gotten naked and spreadeagled on the coffee table - roommate or no roommate.

in other, yet related, news, i've discovered an organization here in vancouver which teaches you how to give hot and heavy lapdances. guess who's signing up? and, as i was chirruping joyfully over this discovery, i was pointed in the direction of another such place which teaches you how to do POLEWORK. how hot would that be?

to be frank, i'm much more interested in the lapdancing than the polework though the latter is the coolest. i just can't see myself being able to practice/perform very regularly, not having the necessary hardware in the bedroom. lapdances, though, are delightfully portable. (textmessage sent to tnb this afternoon: "OMG! I'm going to learn how to LAPDANCE!!") shit if that doesn't get me some extra special fun, i don't know what will.

listen to this, please

engineers anti-gravity mix via stereogum.

thanks, and as you were.

wake up call

this morning my phone rang at 4.40am. it always panics me 'cause of the kiddo and how he used to sneak out of the house all the time and
i never knew where he was or what he was doing and i was always so afraid that one night i'd get a call and he'd be not ok, by any stretch of the imagination.

he doens't really do that anymore (she says knocking wood like a madwoman) - he seems to be growing more respectful of my need to know that he's safe as he gets a little older.

but this morning the phone rang at 4.40 and it was tnb. he's working out of town for a couple of weeks and so i haven't seen him since last monday and so i'm feeling like i really need a little sumpinsumpin knowwhatimean and i called him last night when i was all drunk on painkillers and vodka-sodas and left him a dirt-ay voicemail reminding him of the last time i saw him and what i was doing with my mouth and my hands and how much fun it was.

so the phone rang at 4.40 this morning and he was drunker than me and he didn't want to talk dirty he just wanted to say how much he missed me, and tell me how he wished i was there so he could wrap me up in his arms. i kind of still wanted to talk dirty but the sweet stuff was good too so i let him go with it. he said that he could maybe quit working and come home today instead of next week but then what would he do? i said find a new job and he said yeah but it would probably be somewhere else which would be bad. yes it would i replied and he said i'd really miss you if i moved and that's really weird for me to say. i told him that it's ok to like me - i'm a nice person.

but we didn't do any dirty talking so i still feel really fucking horny and goddamn i don't know how i'm gonna make it a whole two weeks. maybe tonight he'll do a little phone putting out cause i'm just not doing it for myself right now.

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i still have this fucking headache - mikeb dropped me on my head last week before pearl jam and i got a mild concussion and have had a headache ever since. me and t3 have been best buds i'm telling you. i don't remember much of the concert, truth be told, but what i do remember was pretty boring. we went to see oasis and kasabian on thursday and they were a thousand times more dynamic. i think it's time for PJ to just hang up the mic and stay in the studio - they clearly weren't interested in what they were doing. from what i remember anyway.

kasabian, on the other hand, was great fun - super happy mondays style manchester britpop madness - MADchester - and i loved loved loved them. oasis, too, was great fun and i sang along and tried to call tnb when they played 'lyla' cause that's kind of our song a little bit.

check the sidebar, though, kids cause the two best shows are coming up back to back nights what a wild ride that'll be - the killers and the constantines - i'm going to buy a whole stack of tix for the constantines next week so if you want to come with then let me know. that's dallas (hi baby call me) my love my heart (soon we'll be reunited) there on the right.

i also added a couple of new links - up top in places there's a hit to a northern perspective writing site, and under other people's lives i've added some canadian blogs of note. take a looky-loo....
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german checked in from londontown, nk is back from his world travels and didn't call me while he was here (stinker), and tony pierce reprinted michael moore's 9.11 letter to gdub.


k i'm out - it's sunny out and my bikini is a callin'
xoxo

since you've been gone

or since i've been gone, rather.

i've noticed that, since i returned from my hollyday my voice has been a little subdued. it's not quite me - i'm reading words on the page as though they were written by a stranger. (you can do it! thousands already have!) what am i hiding from, i wonder?

myself, clearly.

i'm hiding from the fact that i like tnb and have settled into a situation is unsettled at best uncertain at worst and i'm pretending like i don't care.

but i do.

i'm hiding from the fact that i know what i want and i know that i'm not getting it.

i'm hiding from the fact that i'm sad, inside, but have happy cupcake icing on the outside. you know the kind - with foodcolouring sugar glitter on top.. the kind that tastes sweet but has an underlying bitterness to it.

it's the sparkly shiny glitter that distracts me, keeps me here.

my thorns have blackberries on them. i can't escape because i keep getting distracted by the sweetness. i wind myself in the vines tighter and tighter they scratch and scrape and puncture me but i keep reaching for the fruit.

i'm distracted by the sweetness soft touches in the dark mouth on my tits my lips hands in my hair cock inside my cunt in my ass on my tongue.

i'm distracted by the sweetness the cotton candy junkfood sweetness so good for a moment but in an hour i'm hungry again.

i'm hungry again.

random confession #612

that commercial with the grandma - you know, the one where she's sitting at the table all dressed up all by herself, the one that says tell your grandma you missed dinner with her 'cause you were stoned? you know that one?

it always makes me cry a little.

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so what's next with monte? nothing, dude - well, nothing more than there ever is. he's gone back home to go to school, where he'll end up dating a girl who's about 12 years younger than he is and does lots of drugs. she'll fuck him around and make him super insecure, he'll screw around and do tonnes of coke and mess up his grades and pull himself back (barely) in time to maybe make some c's. i'll proof his papers for him and tell him that his ideas are great but he needs focus and better grammar and he needs to do some more research. in my head i'll give him a grade before i proof 'em for him, then i'll do the work and he'll hand it in and he'll pull a mark a lettergrade higher than the pre-edited version. he'll break up with the gf and he'll come see me or talk to me a bunch and i'll tell him all the good stuff i always tell him. i'll take him to do stuff he never gets to do 'cause he hangs with girls who only want to party and do drugs and party some more. he'll look at me speculatively 'cause he knows that i'm really what he's looking for, then he'll go home and do it all again.

that's just the way shit is with m & me.

don't forget the good stories

in the midst of the horror of gang violence, rape, murder and racism, there are moments of beauty as well.

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so yesterday i spent the day with monte. wow - i lost my train of thought completely, there. we went for brunch, went to the art gallery to see rodin, met up with friends to watch strippers and then went dancing. i came home at three, after dropping him off where he was staying - after him spending the entire car ride home massaging my neck, touching my face, distracting me from driving. after i walked him up to the apartment (he'd never been), him kissing me goodbye, taking my hand and trying to draw me in with him. it is just natural that exactly one day after i tell tnb that i'm not sleeping with anyone else, i get to hang out with monte. *sigh*.

more on n'awlins

the bbc on kanye

and the always thought provoking mblog for more links etc, if you are interested. matt good also links to a variety of charities, and/or additional sources of information on government reaction to this tragedy, as well as some of the potential root causes (including diverted funding, institutionalized racism, and plain ol' apathy).

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an update on tnb: i did actually talk to him the other night. i asked him flat out if he was sleeping with other people. i told him that i saw a picture of another girl by his bed and it made me wonder - i wasn't being nosy, i just couldn't help but see. i told him that it's really none of my business if he does - i have no real claim over him and would never dream of forcing him to behave in a way which contradicts how he wants to live his life. i told him that all i've ever asked from him was honesty - i just need the information so that i can decide how i want to continue.

he said he's not sleeping with anyone but me. he told me i had nothing to worry about . he asked me if i was sleeping with other people. i told him no. we've been seeing each other for seven months and that is the first time we've had that conversation.

a friend asked if i believe him. i do, actually. tnb's way of being dishonest is through evasion, not outright deception. he's like me. if you ask him something point blank he'll always tell you the truth - he just won't tell you until you ask. and what's more - i actually trust him. not a common thing, for me. whether or not trusting him is a good thing remains to be seen, i guess.

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we went to see pearl jam last night - in fact, we ended up with an extra ticket so at the last minute we called my sister, hauled her away from her dinner and got her in. our seats were not good, but the sound was more than decent. for some reason, they don't use video screens so that if you are in the back you can't really see but man oh man eddie sounds exactly the way he does on your cd, dude.

i think, though, if i'm to be honest, that of all the shows i've seen this year, pj was my least fave. the band seemed to have little energy, and it just didn't grip me emotionally like some of the others have. still - great music. i sang along like a crazy person (as usual).

stuff to think about

tony pierce raises some very valid questions regarding G-Dub's reaction (or essential lack thereof) to the tragedy which hurricane katrina has inflicted upon the residents of the southern us. he links here. go look - it nearly brought me to tears, particularly the last image.

indeed, it caused me to wonder where our own leader was in all this. paul martin was the first western leader to visit thailand and the other tsunami stricken countries earlier this year, but he's been largely silent this past week. indeed, it wasn't until yesterday that he was reported to have even telephoned gdub to offer support. now, this could have been because our fearless leader was aware that georgy-boy is seemingly uninterested in these events. i'd like to think he had some other plan to go rushing in with our good-ol' canadian style peacekeeper aid and really kick some hurricane cleanup ass. i can see it now - canadian soldiers swooping down in seaking helicopters, draping stranded victims in canadian flags to shelter them from the elements and feeding them KD or maybe maple syrup drenched poutine.

somehow, i doubt it.

but the question remains - why was his reaction so different to this catastrope than to the tsunami? is it just because we've become jaded to the needs of our southern neighbours? i, as much as most canadians, take a perverse pleasure in shaking my head at the antics of the us - at their decadent culture; at their high handed military actions; at their strong conviction that they are the sole possessors of the pinnacle of world culture. but i think it's wrong to lose sight of the fact that this stereotype that we so love to make fun of is an institutional one. sure bubba from tennessee may have been overheard spouting off about how canadians are faggots for refusing to follow the us into iraq. sure we have bad blood because of the softwood lumber issue. but these issues should not supersede the fact that, on an *individual* level a whole bunch of people desperately need food, shelter, and water. an entire region has been devastated and we should do all we can to assist.

i think, anyway.

PUZZLEDFRUSTRATEDPUZZLED part two

ok so i'm at tnb's place yesterday, and notice, beside his bed, a little stack of photographs of another girl. he was in the shower - i wandered into his room to claim my book from my bag and there they were. just sitting there, beside his bed.

when he got out of the shower, he went into his room, grabbed them, and chucked them into the closet. "what are you hiding?" i asked. "nothing, just putting something away."

now, he's 35. if he's going to fuck other people, he's going to fuck other people - not much i can do about it. however, and i've been quite clear about this, i would like to know that this is the state of our relationship for a few reasons:
1) if he's going to fuck other people, so am i.
2) if i'm fucking other people, especially if i fuck someone with any kind of regularity, then i'm going to lose interest in hanging out with tnb - i have neither the time nor the energy to deal with two men.
3) if we are both fucking other people, why the fuck would we bother fucking each other?

so i left it at that, 'cause i need to sort these things out in my head before i talk about them, otherwise i fly off the handle and things get emotional and i say things that shouldn't be said. but i need to ask him about it, i guess. what i DON'T know is that whether or not i even have a right to ask him? i mean, technically, he broke up with me and we've never talked about the fact that shit hasn't changed between us. we aren't - technically - dating. so do i have a right to ask, even? do i have a right to feel all confused and sort of sad?

tuesdae

i'm eating part one of two of my share of the last of summer blueberries - i mean the little local sweetart ones lovingly plucked from the vine by underpaid ethnic minorities, not those oversized behemoths mass produced and callously ripped from their plantanchors by underpaid ethnic minorities. i think that summer's officially done. done like dinner. all done in. done-ski. i wore a sweater for most of yesterday (yes i admit my core temperature is a tad lower than most people's - cold hearted bitch that i am) and today, wearing a long sleeved shirt and jeans, i'm a little chilly.

i even had a typical 'winter' weekend, despite the lovlieness of saturday. one day was spent with tnb, lying on his couch in my thong and a tshirt, reading a novel and distracting him from his inevitable domination of computer rendered images of tiger woods and justin timberlake. he's got a steely resolve, fo sho - he more or less ignored my scantily clad display. well that is until i pulled him on top of me for a kiss, said 'thank you' sweetly, then as soon as he turned his attention back to the screen started rubbing myself and playing with my nipples. even after that he paid me attention only while arnold palmer was teeing off. well, that is, until i reached the point where i was breathing a little heavier, had completely removed my underwear, and was clearly enjoying myself - at this point he completely gave up all pretext of faux golf and turned his attentions where they belonged.

the sundae was a lazy lazy day of novel reading in bed, cookie baking, and going for a run. i came to work feeling kind of rested - which is a switch after this summer of party weekends and staying up all night during the week. kind of nice, really.

i'm a little weird in that, for me, the year starts in september, not january. so there are about four weeks - from my birthday till mid september, when i'm introspective. when i ponder what i've accomplished this year and what i want to take care of next. and that's kind of what this weekend was about for me - it was nice.

anyhoo... i'm off to work. i can't wait for nk to get here...

oh bukowski

Dostoevsky

against the wall, the firing squad ready.
then he got a reprieve.
suppose they had shot Dostoevsky?
before he wrote all that?
I suppose it wouldn't have
mattered
not directly.
there are billions of people who have
never read him and never
will.
but as a young man I know that he
got me through the factories,
past the whores,
lifted me high through the night
and put me down
in a better
place.
even while in the bar
drinking with the other
derelicts,
I was glad they gave Dostoevsky a
reprieve,
it gave me one,
allowed me to look directly at those
rancid faces
in my world,
death pointing its finger,
I held fast,
an immaculate drunk
sharing the stinking dark with
my
brothers.

oh my everlovin god

the constantines are coming back to vancouver on october 14, which is one day after the killers, and you can bet your life and every last dollar that i shall be there with bells and other forms of love and devotion on. i need to badly update my dance card 'cause stuff has become obsolete and archaic and i've not shown it any respect in the last little while

did i mention that i have floor seats for the killers in october? and that i'm going to see pearl jam on friday? and that i mostly gave up coffee while i was on vay-kay? which is to say that i came back and realized that i didn't really like it anymore, after a week of drinking madagascar vanilla roiboos with my breakfast. well that was true until this morning, when tnb tucked the blankets around me and said "can i go to tenbucks and get you an americano?" and i said 'oh yes please' because i knew he'd bring me back a chocolate croissant as well, and who wants herbal tea to dip their chocolate croissant into? not me that's for sure. so i drank my americano with brown sugar and cream and gusto and dipped my croissant into it and loved every dark and delicious drop.

last night i went to the beach with tnb and we drank a lovely bottle of bc wine and watched a fucking unbelievable sunset and the toast he made was 'to you and me' and it made me happy happy in a silly way, though i didn't say anything, just smiled at him over the rim of my glass, sipped my wine and looked out over the sea to the mountains across the bay.

nk is coming for a visit and i'm so excited about maybe getting to meet him. i love new friends and adventures - there's nothing better in the world, really, except maybe for sex and chocolate croissants...

reboot

i'm caught in a feedback loop of my own design - someone please kick me in the ass and make me wake up. see, i've always kind of just fallen into shit - my jobs, my pseudo-relationship with tnb, my education.. all that crap. i need a divine intervention that will get me off my ass and make me do something. a psychological lightning bolt of revalation that will illuminate the sham that is my day-to-day existence.

i daydream when i'm driving about what i'd do if i won the lottery - sometimes the big bucks, but most of the time just 100k, or 300k or 500k. you know what's funny? aside from giving money to family buying a new car paying for a home mortgage free, my life wouldn't change that much. the thorns i'm trapped by have blackberries on them - they hold me in but in truth they're kind of sweet so i don't really mind too much.

and in truth i'm kind of happy - so why do i feel the need to make a radical change? is it just that i'm not happy enough? or that i recognize, on some deeper level, that this happiness is fleeting it's like a cotton candy happiness and disappears as soon as you have a taste?

today, go see ciavarro 'cause he's talking about something real.

look here please

i heart the decemberists' video for 16 military wives. it makes me kind of happy inside....

gouge away

you can stay all day (if you want to)

i like talking to you when you're half asleep.. drunk with heavy-lidded near slumber. your guard is down, fallen by the wayside as your body slips away from your conciousness. i'm always the most alert now - just before sleep and just after. my pseudo-passivity fools you - i may seem not quite here but don't think for a second i'm any less aware for all that i've just crossed over or am just about to cross. it takes a lifetime of moments for me to settle my head and leave the information overload of the day or the dreams behind me. you, though... it's almost as though i can see your shields drop from your shoulders as you relax, relax into the breeze of the fan and the sounds of the street outside.

my vulnerable moments come when we're driving - when the stars are out and it's dark and the wind is blowing through the window and my words flow off my tongue like the highway beneath the wheels. i'll admit to anything when we're moving fast - my fears, my dreams, my hopes, my sadnesses. if you could see my eyes, at that moment, you'd see my history and my future playing out in the feedback loop of motion picture show. but you can't see my eyes and you can't read this, now, so my secret is safe (until at least the next time).

rain on the plain in...

the place where i'm moving with nk. it's either there, kamloops, or somewhere on lake ok. kamloops and lake ok are winning, currently, cause i miss snowy christmasses with the kind of longing that only girls who have jumped off roofs into powder drifts of whiteness can know.

sad to say it but i'm kind of game-playing with tnb. that is, he's been away for the weekend and i told him i'd speak with him when he got back. usually when i'm out drinking i send out at least one tipsy giggly hihi phone call, but not last night. usually i call to make sure he's arrived at destinations ok, but not this time. so at 8pm this evening i got a "what are you DOING?" phone call, wondering where i was what the fuck is going on with me. i know him better than he likes to think.

i've been having bad conflict dreams for the last couple of nights week and so don't feel very rested... my muscles are tense like i've been boxing or holding myself upright in heavy surf. in my dreams i am arguing with people i am close to. these dreams (i believe) are precipitated by my unease at the state of things with tnb, as well as the unhappy emails i've received in the last month or so regarding my bitchy (but not mean-intentioned) post about couches and line backers and cookies and such.

i have been told by someone whom i considered a good friend that i'm open minded about somethings but very closed about others, and for this reason i'm no longer an acceptable friend for her. i'm not sure how this makes me different from anyone else (including this person) but clearly she feels the need to show herself as walking a higher path than i, so i'll just abstain from response and let her stride on alone. it's sad to lose friends, but better to let them be who they are than try and remake them in your own image.

i'm also not ready to go back to work. i wish i could wave a magic wand and have it be one week and two days ago, when i was flying down a starlight highway sipping road pops from the comfort of the passenger seat, listening to dark beats and waxing philosophic on age and life and home-made coolers. i wish i wish i wish.

despondant

i'm not ready to go back to work yet. i feel as though there is an important breakthrough i forgot to break through whilst i was on vay-kay - i have unfinished business with myself but i can't put my finger quite on what it is.

i feel like i've been away for such a veryvery long time, when in reality it's only been five days away from my desk and my laptop and my colleagues and my poor plant which would be dead by now if it weren't for the divine ms. u (she looks after it as if it were her own - offering quiet words full of carbon dioxide and soothing sips of water).

i do know that i've realized that i don't want to live here very much longer. i'm not so much a big city girl - i like the neighbourhoods within cities, or smaller cities, or towns even, but i'm tired of living in a place where it seems like you just.. can't.. get... ahead no matter how much you make (unless you live in a distant suburb). i'm tired of commuting and i'm tired of having to drive *every*where. i want to live somewhere with clean water for swimming and small markets where people know me and a good bookstore and an italian deli.

or maybe i'm just casting about for connections again.

my muscles are stiff and sore - i awoke this a.m feeling like i hadn't slept, and as though i had been kicked around all night. it took me ten minutes and a cup of tea to formulate a sentence. tea, though. i have also emerged from this side of my holiday with a distaste for coffee. i wonder how long that will last?

i wish tnb were here. i know that he doesn't feel anything for me besides a vague fondness, but he's a toucher and i need human contact in the worst way, even if it is from someone who's interaction with me appears to be superficial at best. am i selling myself short? of course i am. but there's no other way, at this moment in my time, so sellsellsell.

this post is uninspired, like me. i'm out of practice - it'll take me a few days to get back into the swing of things.... just please bear with me.

things i missed

so that was seriously my first 'away' vacation in five years. i mean, aside from one weekend in vegas, which probably doesn't count, seeing as if i didn't have photos to prove i'd been there it may as well have never happened. and considering the kinds of things they can do with photoshop these days.. well let's not kid. it may never have happened. i was actually just on a bender in downtown vancouver.

anyhoo - so i went on a vacation. tnb came along for the weekend but took off early sundae leaving me alone with two other couples. now, this had good points and bad points - the good points being that they're all good people who are lots of fun; the bad points being that they're couples and have a tendency to lapse into couple-think, inspiring me to run silently screaming into the water for a bit of a relaxing paddle. well, not really a paddle. i swim well. you know what i mean. when the water was unavailable i resorted to drinking myself into a stupour. always a grand back up plan.

for my birthday i went to see small town strippers wearing a strapless top. one of the strippers bullied me into flashing her. honestly, it wasn't a hard sell - i'd had a lot to drink by that point. i figure if a stripper really wants to see these 33year old tah-tahs, it's kind of a compliment, you know?

but without much further ado, i present the top things i missed while on holly-daze:
1) my bed. the bed i slept in was a double sized bottom bunk - fun for indoor sports while tnb was still in residence, but once you get beyond that, it's just freakin' uncomfortable.
2) privacy. hard with a minimum of four other people in the room.
3) the kiddo. nuff said.
4) sadly, my blog. i did actually take a notebook with the intention of scribbling, but the folks i travelled with are not so much into that kind of scene and it made me feel conspicuous. so i really really tried to just remember everything that happened so i could come back and write witty things here. unfortunately, i did a lot of drinking to escape the couple-dome.
5) city noises... yeah the wilderness is quiet and it has crickets and coyotoes yipping all night (COYOTES! YIPPING! ALL... NIGHT! FUCKING COYOTES!), but i missed the sounds of the cars whishing past on the street outside my house.
6) the jasmine plant that sits right above my bed. i can smell it while i fall asleep - it's really quite lovely in a sick girly way.
7) coffee in the am. yeah we didn't have any. i've kicked the addiction. well until tomorrow morning, anyway.
8) nk and german and everyone else on the blogroll...

k i'm tired so i'm going to go to sleep now. i'll write more tomorrow, i promise. thank you all for the birthday wishes...

xoxo

tiny drops of joy

are radiating from within me.

my birthday is monday.

i will be 33.

tonight i leave on a holiday.

tnb is coming along for two days, then leaving me with my friends to play in the sun and the sand and the surf.

i won't be back for about a week - maybe a little shorter - but will be in the midst of nature and all of that other good for you crap and so won't be able to speak with you.

please have exciting adventures while i'm gone, and write long exploratory expositions expounding upon them. i shall try and do the same, and see if i can borrow a camera and maybe take some pictures for you.

miss me. i will miss you.


xoxo

cloudy

i woke up this morning feeling like i was caught in the past - does that ever happen to you? spatially you glide through the now, but temporally, ephemerally, you are walking through your own history.

the air smells like fall, today. before i went to bed, i walked through the house opening all of the windows so that the night could blow in. when i woke up this morning, the air in my room was heavy with dawn and with memories. as i dressed it was hard to bring myself into the mindspace that was on its way to work. i wanted to be getting ready to go to school. the clothes i picked out for myself are clothes that i no longer own. even now, i can't help but feel as though i'm sitting at the wrong desk, engaged in the wrong project.

my eyes are drawn again and again to the stephen greenblatt quote pinned beside my monitor - "And the work of art is not the passive surface on which this historical experience leaves its stamp, but one of the creative agents in the fashioning and re-fashioning of this experience." - this little piece of paper is the tenuous thread which connects me daily to that side of myself. some days the tug is gentle - like a gentle drawing on the tips of my fingers.. two hands slipping apart as we spin spin around the dance floor. on other days, days like today when the promise of autumn kisses the still green branches of the cherry tree outside my window, the tug is insistent, indeed determined.

until i find a way to reconcile myself - until i find a way to draw together the side of me which yearns to immerse myself in books and learning and papers and writing, with the side of me which wants to travel and explore and adventure, with the side of me that wants to meet someone who will wrap me up in their love and their desires - until i find a way to reunite my fractured psyche i will always be filled with longing for the past and for the future. the present will never be enough.

yup, exactly

this is fucking perfect.

let's drink till we can't feel the feelings anymore

today is the feast day of st lawrence, a patron of cooks. it's also my dad's birthday, and the day after my brother's. i forgot to phone, cause after bbq-ing steaks and potatoes and veggies and turkey (for me), i went to the beach with tnb. we were swimming in the bathtub warm water dodging jellyfish and seaweed till it started to get cold. we climbed out, only to realize that this kid was using my towel to stay warm. when i went to reclaim my (delightfully pre-dampened) towel from him, his people invited us over for a drink, so we sat and drank really really strong vodka-oj's with them, then went back to my house. tnb washed my car in the dark and i dazzled him with my ability to remove my wet bikini without taking off my clothes and the stunning proportions my nipples attain when cold (it's quite the phenomenon, let me tell you).

see - this is what i'm good at. i can take you into my world and remind you of the simple fun things that make life worth living. summer should be about having good conversations on a breezy sundeck over barbeque and lemonade; about taking off for the beach at 6.30 and swimming and telling jokes and sharing a drink with random strangers; about curling up on the couch with your arms around each other watching late night tv and laughing at the stupidity of it all. we'll do all that and then i will take you to bed and make your whole body shake and take you to the edge bring you back take you to the edge over and over again 'til you beg me to let you just... step... off.

it's not such a bad thing, being with me.

purrrfect

my horoscope rocks today: "You never know how things are going to work out. The important thing is to enjoy yourself in the moment. This is going to be a day of great moments to choose from."

it does, however, sort of counteract the tarot spread i ran this morning, which indicated to me that my future success depended on removing myself from a situation or dilemma which i should never have involved myself in to begin with. or maybe it doesn't?

my new favourite word: zounderkite - a person whose supid conduct usually results in awkward mistakes.

more later, i'm sure. TNB is supposed to be coming for dinner. how does THAT work?

easy like sundae... morning

so i decided to be a hermit last night and got high on red wine and muscle relaxants.. settled back in my pillows and waited for the dreams to overtake me. i'm not one of those people who dreams potently - i rarely remember them and when i do they're usually sexual or just fun.

i'm reading charles de lint right now (indulging in my other guilty escapism love) and wallowing in his mystical world where the modern day is irrevocably intertwined with the fey. i wish i could tap into that sense of consiousness. i used to be much more spiritual - granted it's not something that is recognizable in a conventional religious way, but it's my own and it came about when i needed it most and helped me get through some of the rough shit i've encountered in the last few years. my ephemeral properties are a mishmash of pagan and catholic, of buddhist and atheist. the contrasts in them are in line with the contrasts that make me who i am.

but i seem to have lost my grip on it recently. i guess that the reason organized religion is such an easy life preserver to cling to is that you have a designated place to go to when you need to center yourself - it's not something you have to think about and invoke on your own. my everyday life is caught up in figures and trends and putting one keystroke in front of the other and i'm finding it harder and harder to close my eyes, slip away from the burdens of my flesh and just.... be.

sex still works, most of the time, but i'm not having that right now.

drugs still work, most of the time, but i'm not doing that too much right now (last night excepted).

i need to slip away and regain my *self* - i need to find the golden speck of light again, and blow on it and nurture it and help it grow. i need to be by myself in the middle of nowhere and let myself stop thinking. the problem is that i'm afraid to be alone, for some reason, and the middle of nowhere is so far away when you live in this city. there are people everywhere. plus, truly, it doesn't matter where you are, or how many people are near. tuning into your center is something that can and should happen regardless of where your body is - the top of a mountain or the center of a mosh pit. and that's something that i know and have experience as well. i'm just making excuses because i'm afraid that i've ignored it for so long that it doesn't exist anymore.

these are the things that i know to be true and that i need to refocus on to find my way again. they are the lessons of the wise people who've walked this path before me:

- there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way

- nothing is lost in the universe. nothing every disappears, it just changes form.
which leads to...

- everything changes. you can't hold on to someone or something and expect them to always be what it or they appear to be now.

- we receive exactly what we earn. our thoughts and actions determine the kind of life we can expect to live.

- whatever you send out into the world will be visited back upon you threefold.

simple, huh? one would think. but the truth is that getting caught up in the quotidien concerns of everyday life is far too easy. it's such an easy excuse to use for everything. for me anyway.

ah well - i'm still a little fucked up from the drugs. i think i'm going to go shower and sit in the sun and watch the world go by. that always makes me feel better.

dave grohl puts out

i touched him.

he played my favourite song - alone, just him & the guitar.

during the encore, he played the drums.


i'm spent.

whurling durvish

So German tagged me to write about the ten songs which are spinning through my head right now. I thought that probably I wouldn’t get to it till later this weekend, but I’m sitting here at work with my headphones in listening to samurai.fm and I had to had to had to start it.

1) Reign – UNKLE
Dude this is Ian Brown from the Stone Roses set over a kick ass beat. The lyrics are very simplistic, but combine with Brown’s voice in a hypnotic mantra: “I am the lightening. I am the heat. I am the reign. I’m gonna reign this way again…. “ It makes me smile and I’ve been listening to the Way Out West remix of it over and over and over again. There are some songs that make me feel like I’m on the floor in the middle of the crowd – when I close my eyes I can picture myself there, with my eyes closed, shivers running up my spine, dj in front of me, ceiling open to the sky, everyone smiling smiling smiling…. This is one of them.
2) Everlong – Foo Fighters
This is my alltime favourite song. I like the rock version, the acoustic version, the weird trippy spacy live acoustic version… N2 played it on his guitar and sang it for me one night. He got lucky. I’m just sayin’.
3) This Modern Love – Bloc Party
This song is the soundtrack to my romantic life. I mean, if someone could look at me and say to themselves, I want to write a song about a girl who is always just a little too afraid to let herself go, this is the song they’d write: “what are you holding out for / what’s always in the way / why so damn absent minded? / why so scared of romance?” And the funniest thing about this song is that I always end up with men who I wish I could sing it to, you know? I wish I could sing this song to TNB. I wish I could just make him hear the words and understand. But I can’t and I won’t and probably it’s not worth the effort anyway.
4) I Just Wanna Live - Good Charlotte
Yes, yes. good charlotte, mediocre green day. yes, yes. they suck. but man oh man "i rock a law suit when i'm goin to court a white suit when i'm gettin divorced a black suit at the funeral home and my birthday suit when i'm home alone" - Someone wrote a song! With those lyrics! Those actual words! I LOVE that! I'm humming it outloud and cracking up even as i type this.
5) Shine a Light - the constantines. No explanation necessary. I can't wait wait wait till tonight helloooo boys....
6) Pack Up - lyrics born. The guy sounds like this old school bluesman, but he's a wickedcool asian guy. You think you like hip hop? If you haven't heard lyrics born then you should be ashamed.
7) Little Dawn - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists. It's a happy happy song: "stretch out your legs and dance with me all night..." Yes please. Plus when i went to see them the guy playing the drums had a HUGE beard and was wearing head-to-toe brown polyester. How cool is that?
8) Lady Venom - The Swollen Members. If i were a stripper, this would be my song.
9) Digital Bath - The Deftones. I've talked about this song before. I can fall in and out of love between the first chord and the last - right now I can't even listen to it because it makes me happysad and I just want to be happy. But sometimes, when I'm dreaming, this is the song playing in the background. No other song has ever done that.
10) Clubfoot - Kasabian. If I were a dj, I'd drop this right in the middle of a great set and get everyone's hands in the air shouting in unison....

Ok that's it - and the traffic was SO bad today on the way home that I listened to every one of these songs and daydreamed about drinking a beer. So right now I'm writing about all of these songs and drinking a beer. Happy, happy Friday....

shine on you crazy diamond

that's what my horoscope told me to do today so dammit i'm gonna.

kids it's friday. friday's are supposed to be FOF (fuck off fridays) but i'm looking at my whiteboard and realizing i'll be lucky to get out of here on time, never mind a half hour early like i'd been planning. i have a date with dave grohl, you see, and need to make myself pretty.

had a real date last night, with car lot boy. the whole time i was with TNB he still called now and again so when he rang on wednesday to say 'hey let's patio drink tomorrow at the usual place' i said hella yes. he showed up straight from work driving his escalade fully bling'd out in a boss pinstripe - fit right in with me wearing my little white sundress & shades but what the hell he picked the time & place.

speaking of TNB i was talking with him before bed last night, drunk on vodka-sodas from the patio, and mentioned my date with dave grohl. he had a full three minutes of being pissed off at me for telling him i was going out with some 'fuckface' before he realized wtf i was talking about. he was all set (he told me) to say that he had a date with three (countem) total sluts for this evening as well. then he realized that i was going out to see the love of my life and that dave and i had a prior understanding so he had to pretty much just shut up. i couldn't stop laughing. good thing i had sort of evaded the "so what did you get up to this evening" question, huh?

german tagged me to pick my ten favourite (right now) songs and explain why. i'll try and get to it today, but am thinking it might not be till later in the weekend - my sister comes home tonight (yay! sister!) and the divine ms u is taking me out for girl-time tomorrow so time's gonna be tight. i do have a three day weekend, though, so i'll get to it i promise.

oh also, before i forget, ken & ariel have posted a link to the stupidest tattoos known to mankind. is yours there? are you afraid to look? fess up - what's the stupidest tattoo you've ever seen? i, for one, once met a man who had V-I-N-C-E on his right hand and N-E-I-L on his left.....

can't sleep

i wanna know who the fuck hit me upside the head with the emo stick.

i can't sleep and i'm all swirly in my head - it's hot and it's got my thinkin all fevered and turbulent. somebody slow this merry go round down down down i can't see the world is running together in a blur of trees and sand and sky and cars going by.

even the fountain outside holds no peace for me this night. i can see you all running up ahead - you are all running away and i just can't keep up. you're leaving me behind. i'm being left behind. i dread the ringing of my phone but at the same time i crave it crave it need to know that i'm not invisible that i hear that you remember i'm here.

do you ever wonder if you've become ephemeral? do you worry that you've lost substance - have become grace a whisper kiss of wind upon the tips of the bamboo? do you secretly hope that it's true?

PUZZLEDFRUSTRATEDPUZZLED

(ten minutes freewriting, no pause, no edits)

two more phone calls last night - he called (i was shopping with lil bro); i returned call, chatted for a few min but he was watching movie; he called back at 10pm, talked about how sweet and positive i am, said goodnight sweetie sleeptight.

i thought that i forgot the password to my bloggity blog blog last night. my home computer had taken ill with some sort of video card issue and it was a few weeks before she was up and about again. in the meantime, she forgot my neatly remembered passwords. so i couldn't get in. so i had to get blogger to send me the passwords, but i couldn't access my gmail account (for the same reason) then i remembered my gmail password so it was all good but i'd lost my train of thought so i went to bed to read instead.

it's so nice here people have been seriously slacking off at the office - the clock's chimed quarter past and no-one is here yet, whereas usually there are people all over the place by now. it's good though 'cause i don't turn the lights on, just sit in the dark with the sun shining in the windows and slowly wake up. i know i thought about calling in saying i didn't feel well (cause i don't really, i'm PFP and it's making my belly sore) but i have stuff to do so maybe tomorrow if i'm still feeling buhjiggity.

i like my job lots but it's been quiet and i get bored and then i THINK THINK THINK and that's generally bad for me. even my horoscope today told me to just run on autopilot and let my instincts lead me where they may. so that's what i'll do. today my instincts are telling me to take my boss on a walk at lunch and maybe sneak out a little early and play as much highhat as i can 'cause that bitch is crack and i got my brother hooked and he played for four hours straight last night. i also think it'd make a super sweet drinking game and so i think i'll bust it out on saturday when my sister is home and we are hanging out at her place maybe having a bbq and getting drunk talking about being PFP and she's kicking my ass for giving a shit and telling me about this guy her and her bf have all picked out for me. he's scots, though, so i'm not sure how that will work. i'm ok with guys in skirts but i gotta get me some s-e-x a little more regularly than once a month, know what i mean?

(time)

figures

so since we've had the 'talk' i've heard from The New Boy (aka nancy boy) almost as much as i did all of last week. like, he called me at 10.30 last night just to say goodnight, and to wish me a good day for today.

this is me making a puzzled frustrated face.

oh by the way? it's four days 'til the foo fighters, at which time Mr. Dave Grohl will profess his undying love for me, and all New Boy confusion will be a moot point. i'm also on vacation countdown (10 days, 7 of which are work days) - not like i'm going anywhere, i just don't have to get out of my bikini for a week (well, except to bathe)(and wash the bikini)(mind you, if i bathed while *wearing* the bikini, i could kill two birds with one stone - wicked) and that's A-OK with me, ya know?

i've read so much over the last week that my contacts feel as thought they are composed of razor wire and i keep losing focus on my computer screen. how's that for fun stuff? too bad too bad the books are all trash - i lose myself in mystery novels when i need to escape from my life for a while. well, and i did read HP in less than 48 hours. but whatever. i'll be wearing super thick coke bottle lenses before my 35th birthday for sure. sexy, i know. how do you resist me?

fyi

it's two weeks TWO WEEKS until my birthday.

TWO WEEKS.