who has a dream book?

ok so the other night i dreamt that i moved to wells. (i can just see the kiddo's face if i told him we were moving to wells - population well under 800. maybe even under 500).

anyhoo... i dreamed we moved to wells, and i needed to drive to quesnel to buy groceries (which, by the way, is a SORRY state of affairs lol). now the road between wells and quesnel is a mountain road, and is notoriously poor in the winter. mike b was FURIOUS with me for attempting the drive, but somehow i had come into a very swishy range rover - fully kitted out for bad conditions and was determined to make the trip. all along the road there were cars and trucks in the ditch. i remember sniffing derisively as i passed a nissan xterra tits up in a snowbank, thinking something along the lines of "next time buy a REAL SUV."

some of the grades on the highway were close to 90degrees - seriously straight up and down, and completely covered in ice. i could feel the truck basically sliding down the hills, and i was basically controlling where it slid.

but i made it to quesnel and was doing my shopping - trailed closely by mike b (who was miraculously transported there for seemingly precisely this purpose) who was YELLING at me for taking such risks. when someone stopped me to ask me the road conditions, and i started to describe them, he actually walked away so he didn't have to listen.

so what's THAT one mean?

hm - pls excuse. pity party to commence. i'm sick - i'm allowed.

editor's note - post removed due to excessive pissyness

i miss

the vitriolic humour of academia.

read this.

thoughts on watching 'garden state'

it's hard to watch a movie that makes you want to cry when you are sitting beside your little brother who, as far as you know, has never seen you emote beyond general happiness and random moments of anger (random - a word that is used a great deal in this movie. more on that later)

some of my most intense feelings of anger (you know, as an aside, it's really hard for me to be angry. i get sad, and i accept. i repress. i don't usually get angry. during my ill-fated excursion into self exploration and mental heeling (sorry for the sarcasm, there), glen the therapist kept asking me "but don't you feel angry? and my answer was inevitably... no) have occured surrounding the betrayal i feel after mr. m slowly but surely talked me into letting down my barriers. he refused to let me keep my walls up and made me talk to him, made me be in touch with my feelings where he was concerned. then, he left me with all of these feelings and emotions that i had no way of dealing with. i was furious with him for making me open myself up - i had these great walls, these great protections, these great totems. he made me let them go. now i don't have them anymore and i'm open up to all of this....... stuff.

the main character of garden state has been on lithium for as long as he can remember. his mom dies and he decides to take himself off because he can't remember the last time he FELT anything. the film takes place over these four days when he returns to his home town, watches his friends seek out the oblivion he's trying so hard to escape, and falls in love with this girl. she says to him in words much more eloquently than this: "it's life... sometimes it hurts, but it's all we've got".

i can't decide if i want this or not. i'm torn between wanting the oblivion i had - not feeling anything is better than feeling so much pain - and craving the happiness that i had just started to remember.

more than anything i'm tired of fucking wasting time. i feel like i'm one of those wind up toys that just keeps bumping against the walls.. bumping bumping over and over again until my mechanism winds down and i collapse exhausted.

it's some kind of fucked up marxist alienation - i'm just part of the machine of economy. i sleepwalk through my days going through the motions of emotion. i work and eat and sleep and fuck and work and eat and sleep and fuck and go to the movies and smile my mechanical smile until the wheels slowly grind to a stop and then i'm dead.

i'm tired of fucking wasting time. i want to create something. i want to be part of something bigger than i am. i want to feel joy again. i want to spread my arms and tilt back my head and spin and spin and spin till i fall down laughing with joy and the rain fills my mouth and then i'm crying and i can't tell the difference between laughing and crying anymore cause really they're the same thing. it's the same thing.

planning ahead

so this evening i took newly around about the town and showed him some of vancouver's drinking establishments. since i was driving, i settled with only a cocktail or two, sticking mostly with soda water and coffee. yes one of the coffee's had bailey's in it. sue me.

i found myself somewhat in awe of his ability to consume martinis, and began thinking to myself that the new year's festivities could get messy quickly, as i will be attempting (for a short time anyway) to keep up. so as a forewarning, chances are i'll be unconcious by 11pm. just so you know.

anyhoo, while we were enjoying raspberry mojitos (i WILL make everyone i know drink this. it's my goal for 2005, along with talking to strangers. come to think of it, the more mojitos i drink, the more strangers i talk to. the more strangers i talk to, the more people i know and will require to drink mojitos with me - it's a vicious cycle and i'm lovin' it!) i noticed in a copy of terminal city a fill-in-the-blanks apology, and thought to myself "self, that looks like a handy thing to have, what with new year around the corner...". so here it is:

Dear Mr. / Mrs. ___________

I am writing to apologize for my ________ behaviour the other night, and i hope that despite everything, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I should have known there would be a problem when your ______ first brought out the ________ of _______ that was so big it needed a handle. I was nervous about meeting you for the first time, and although i can usually hold my ________, i thought that having a few ________ would help me to _________. I was obviously very very wrong.

I honestly don't remember much between _______ with your visiting relatives and _______, but i'm told that i made quite a scene. If past experience is anything to go by, I'm guessing I whipped out my ______ and said "______" a lot. I hope i didnt' try to sit on your husband's / wife's _________ or make out with your ______, but at this point, nothing would surprise me. In my mind, I was just trying to be _______. All i know is that i woke up bathed in _________, with a blinding hangover, next to your ________ in the _________ in your driveway. I'm guessing you probably saw the big pile of ______ on the table where we tried to ________, but I'm hoping you didn't walk in while we were ________. We disposed of the _______ in the ________, so hopefully you didn't stumble across that, but i'm sure the lingering _____ smell was unmistakable. I have a vague recollection of the _______ arriving, so I guess the person the neighbours heard at 4am shouting "________" was me. Oops. Sorry again.

I'd be happy to pay for the _________ I broke (I only threw my ________ out of it because i thought it was open) and replace the tub of ________ and the plastic ________ that went missing, and if you have any trouble getting the _______ stains and the ________ marks out of the furniture, please send me the cleaning bills.

Please accept my sincerest apologies and this _______ that I made.

For what it's worth, all the best of the holiday season, and once again, my deepest regrets for being such a _______, ________, ________. I don't usually show people that side of myself until the second or third meeting.

Remorsefully,


__________


PS - if a pair of black mesh _________ you don't recognize turn up somewhere, they're probably mine. Since you probably never want to see me again, you may as well just keep them.

the monday

this girl recently talked about the good friends you make whom you will never actually meet, and how much she has come to rely on them. back when i first started this journal, i kicked around the idea of communities which develop on the 'net, and how much computers have changed the way we interact with each other. i have made some of my best friends via computer conversations - i never would have met mike b if it hadn't been for the computer. if i hadn't met mike b, i never would have met lemon and lime. i started to talk with newly single because i loved the honesty and humour with which he writes. today, i'm picking him up at the airport as he heads off on his whistler ski adventure.

people say that computers have participated in the isolation of 'modern humanity' - that they contribute to the alienation we feel in society. is that a truth? or is it that our ways of communicating and interacting have evolved along with our technology? when writing letters was the only way of communing with one another, that's what we did. then we had the telephone, now the internet, and email, and text messaging, and instant messenger. maybe it's a double edged sword: the rise in digitized communication HAS made it harder to meet people face-to-face. we are more suspicious of people who are genuinly friendly strangers - which, by the way, is a very sad thing. (i remember remarking to mike b about the friendliness of a woman standing in line in front of us when we were christmas shopping, and how it is so rare here in vancouver for people to talk to the strangers they are in line with. mike and i are both from a smaller community where random line up conversations are the norm, not the exception).

so maybe this is my challenge to you for the new year: reach out in person the way you reach out on line. sure it will probably take you beyond your realm of comfort, especially in a big city. yes, chances are your good intentions will be rudely rebuffed at least once. however, for every poor reception i wager there are two people who's day you will make, simply by chatting to them as you stand in line at the movies (i recently spent a wonderful 10 min in the snack line up cracking myself and the people in line with me up - sure made the time more enjoyable), or commenting on a novel or magazine you notice someone reading in a cafe, or whatever. come on, i dare you.

i wish you a merry christmas

may all your winter festival of lights and christmas dreams come true, whatever they may be.

i love you guys. you know who you are. i couldn't get through a day without you.

to my favourite victoria kids - i wish you sunny days and walks with the dog; early morning lattes and long afternoons at fenway; and martinis and kisses under the mirrorball.

to sweet maktaaq - i wish you dark eyed goth boys; a bottomless booksale at the library; and purses always, always on sale.

to swizzalish - i wish you hot house music; an endless supply of mandarin vodka with cranberry cocktail; and the perfect boots for dancing.

to mr. newly - i wish you sparkly pink moments with fb; automatic upgrades to first class; and beer and curry evenings surrounded by your mates.

to everyone else i may have missed - i wish you an antidote to writer's block; happiness in your lives; and drama enough to make them interesting.

and to lovely lovely mike b - i wish you everything you've ever hoped for, everything you've ever dreamed of, everything you could ever imagine wanting (cause you deserve it).

happy christmas to all, and to all a good night.

oo ooo ooo!

gift alert! and it came in the MAIL even! a sparkly pink belt from some lovely lovely folk! thanks so much!!!!

the day before the day before!

so i have two midweek days off, then a half day of work tomorrow, then a week and a half off for christmas. how excited am i?

yesterday i went out with the kiddo and my brother to do a bit of last minute shopping. my dad (in all fairness he's gotten much better in the last few years) generally enlists either my sister or myself and sends us out into the world armed with a credit card to find something for my mom. he did, actually find one gift for her already, but sent me off yesterday to get her a sweater or something and some of the beauty products she uses.

so off the three of us headed into the sunny (god-damn-it! where's the snow!) december morning to brave the mall. yes, i know it was only 11 when we arrived. yes, i know it was a tuesday morning. but, my hand to god, we were parked and in 'n' out of the mall in under 45 minutes - and that was WITH a quick stop for purely interest's sake! how often does THAT happen this time of year?!

so i came home and finished my wrapping, read through my secret santa cookbook, and watched Patrick Stewart in Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol'. i think this is my favourite adaptation of the story (well except for the muppets, of course). something i learned this week: a christmas carol was written as part of the movement to repopularize the celebration of christmas among the middle class and city dwellers in england. it had been banned as 'too pagan' by the puritans, and was celebrated only sporadically and mostly by 'country' folk. christmas was just another working day. the character of scrooge was created as representation of the middleclass business owners who had lost touch with their pasts - a warning, if you will. cool, huh?

four days!

so the countdown to the "big" day has begun. let the presenting begin!

i actually have 1.5 more gifts to purchase - my dad and the kiddo's dad/partner. my dad is quite literally the WORST person to shop for. he just buys himself whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. and lately, well since her buying power has doubled, my sister has been coming up with these great gifts which are almost impossible to compete with. for example: his birthday this year was a sailing lesson on a tall ship. (this is me making a blank 'i have no idea' face)

i participated in the amateur gourmet's secret santa cookbook exchange this year. to my delight and wonder, when i got home from work the other day there was a cookbook waiting for me. i'm so excited to try cooking from it - i think there might even be something in this one that my family will enjoy, wonder of wonders... i sent mine off as well - i selected a healthy fusion style cookbook (the name of which escapes me at the moment) with lots of beautiful photos. i hope whomever the recipient is enjoys it.

i've got one day of work, then two days off, then work for half a day, then i'm off for almost two weeks of paid vacation. how fun is that?! the kiddo is going up to visit his dad for a week, mr newly single is coming to the west coast, and the divine ms. u and i are heading to whistler for new year.

plus, my blog is almost 1 year old. what should i do to celebrate? offer a 'date with raspberry sundae' contest? if you win, you get to take me out to dinner and i promise to be cute and companionable? sounds like a good idea to me... what should the contest involve?

ohhh miguel....

(you have to reckon back to the james bond films... the female love interest always, at least once, breathes out "ohhh james..." as she succumbs to his charms...)

miguel migs is so much fun. and so darned hot, i could barely take my eyes off him. wow.. and i got to meet the lovely swizzalicious, in her great little black dress - how cute is she?

i'm running on 3 hours of sleep here, kids, so please excuse if i am a little less than coherent. (going to bed at 6.30 wouldn't be bad if i could SLEEP till noon. but OH NO, i have to wake up at NINE). i've been lying on the couch watching bad movies and looking at the sunshine, thinking i should be out there but unable to bring myself to actually move, you know? just one of those days...

so last night started with a work cocktail party which was more fun than i expected it to be.. it was pretty low key, and the upper managers didn't come, so people were laid back and having a good time. i was looking around though (and this is something that i considered at length later in the evening) and thinking about the difference between colleagues and friends. you can be friendly with your colleagues, but that doesn't mean they are your friends, you know? and last night i was sitting there with my fellow project manager and realizing that we were friendly colleagues, but not friends. now i had at one time thought we might become friends, but i think we are essentially pretty different. she's super nice - and even last night i could tell that she was reaching out, but it just isn't there for me, you know? maybe it's cause deep down inside i'm not sure i can trust her - i know that she's pretty career focused and will definately fight to protect hers, even if it means selling me out, you know? maybe that's unfair.

after a couple of hours, i headed off into the fog to hook up with the divine ms u and start our evening of fun. after a quick cocktail we booted downtown to get the festivitiEs underway.. we did a little kissing and a lot of talking last night.. shared some secrets.. i broke down and told her about mr. m - she had suspected for a long time, and i'm pretty sure she can be trusted. we know lots about each other that no one else (at least at work) does. so she may be reading this sometime today.. i've given her the link, which i had been hesitant to do, just cause lots of the stuff i've talked about i would never want work people to have access to.

there's so much of me that i don't want lots of people to have access to - this journal is a place where i sort of air my thoughts and get things out of my head, but i do still keep things inside a lot. but my friends who read this definatly get to know stuff about me that i would never volunteer in a face to face conversation. it's a place of vulnerability for me - i have a lot of trouble letting people 'in', naturally. so giving away my thoughts and ideas and writing can be very hard. meh, i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm always very introspective the day aftEr. and a little sad, too. but that's ok...

words

i have lost faith in my ability to navigate the ether
past lives cling to me - fingers grasping through graveyard soil
i shake shake try to shake them off but
the more i twirl my skirts the faster the world spins round.
tiptoed i stand on the pinpoint of learning from my experience versus
facing the world with my ass forward and
my eyes back
shadowed by the weight of eternity i
squint into my history seeking answers that
i thought i once had.

i was a very good girl

well, if you discount the bottle of champagne i drank before we arrived. and the present that i stealth-mission liberated (it wanted to be mine! it did!) from the welcome table. and the fact that i stole all the raspberries off the leftover dessert (i couldn't help it! the voices told me too!). i did, however, look pretty, have polite yet amusing anecdotes for the president of mike b's company, turn down the threesome offer, kept my breasts encased in my dress, and didn't make out with anyone. best behaviour, i tell you. best behaviour.

christmas party day (2)!

oo today is the lovely lovely mikeb's christmas party, so i shall be donning my little black frock and fishnets and spending the evening in his company (courtesy of his company hee hee) at one of the upscale lotusland hotels. we have a room booked, so have pre- and post- party fun planned.

i've promised him that i'll behave, and have been told that i'm not allowed to make out with any of his coworkers. fair enough - i shall adopt an aura of mystery, sip champagne and be the 'perfect date' (a la one of those fun retro dating books from the '50s or '60s).

first, though, i'm off for brunch with sweet maktaaq. we've some catching up to do before she heads down south for christmas. not to mention the fact that it is lovely and sunny and breezy out today.... how fun!

audio-erotic

does anyone else get turned on by music? i know that one of the heady things about rave/e culture is that the drug makes you hyper sensitive and you can FEEL the music running through your body, which is super fucking hot. but does anyone else get turned on by a song playing on the radio when they are driving home, or when they are cooking, or when they are plugged into their headphones at work?

i'm a super sexual person - i'm very sensual and i find many "everyday" things quite erotic, but this evening i was doing some christmas baking and listening to the cfox when van halen's 'panama' came on. and it occurred to me that i think that this song (and i'm vaguely ashamed to admit it) fully aroused me when i was 12 years old - specifically the section in the middle when the music slows and you can hear the car engine revving and diamond dave growls "yeah, we're runnin a bit hot tonight. i can barely see the road from the heat comin' off it. ahh you reach down, between my legs.. ease the seat back..." i remember lying in bed in the dark playing that song over and over on my stereo; closing my eyes and letting dave's voice slip like tendrils of smoke into my imagination. wow.

these days it's the heavier stuff - deftones 'passenger' comes to mind immediately (roll the windows down/ this cool night air is curious/ let the whole world look in/ who cares who sees what tonight/ roll these misty windows down/ to catch my breath again/ and then go and go and go just drive me/ home then back again/ here I lay just like always /don't let me/ go /take me to the edge) and lots and lots of hard electronic music (not hard house but the dark hard progressive stuff... you know what i mean). i love hard driving beats. i love the way ideas come out in words, and the way my mind runs with them and takes my body with it.

(tangent - both songs that i mentioned by name have to do with cars, too. interesting)

the rock star experience is highly sexualized. but is it because of the music or because of the fame? perhaps because of the 'bad boy' or 'bad girl' stereotype? ken from ken and ariel talked about going to see juliette lewis play live and sort of came to the same conclusions - rock and roll is sexy dirty. rock and roll stars are sexy dirty. but is it the music or the rolling around in a crowd jacked up on endorphins and pheremones drenched in someone elses' sweat (oh sound familiar?). clubs and bars are notorious pick up joints, but is it the music or is it the pulsing lights and the pulsing beats and the pulsing bodies rubbing up against one another?

or is it all of the above? can you separate the music from the experience from your imagination from your body from your hormones from your memories and associations?

i'd be really interested to know what songs, if any, turn other people on. or what other normal, "every day" experiences or stimuli, for that matter...

hello bronte!

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

weather pixie

so i was perusing lemon's comments and came across a link to this lady. lo and behold, at the bottom of her page, was a little weather pixie. now something that you probably don't know about me is that i used to be addicted to the weather network. i used to have to watch it sort of incessantly. knowing the up to the minute local forecast was a bit of an obsession. (i had this problem with the real estate listing channel, as well. don't ask me why - i just found it sort of soothing). anyhoo... imagine my delight! a weather pixie! now i can just click on my journal and see this saucy little fashionista sporting weather appropriate styles. fun!

on a completely different note.. this evening i did something i have never done before. i was sitting down to a lovely meal of thai red curry with prawns (kiddo) and tofu (both of us) when my mobile rang. it was mr. m. i screened him. felt pretty good, too.

sick sundae

blergh i'm home sick today... i have the worst muscle aches in the world. sort of feel like i was stuck in a washer on the spin cycle for a couple of hours, or like oscar de la hoya used me for drills or something. so i'm home. i've got like 10 sick days left for the year - may as well use one or two, i figure.

the kiddo is *working* today. how cool is that? the guy who does the landscaping round our place is the son of some neighbours, and he's talked about getting the kid out and about doing some stuff. i guess today he's got the work for him.

it's really cool cause dave (the landscaper) had a childhood similar to kiddo's - he went through lots of the same stuff, so can really relate. i'm just glad that he won't be sitting 'round the house. plus he really likes doing stuff like this, and is actually very good at it. so..... off he went.

my horoscope today is quite good:

It's a great time to meet and impress new people. You radiate confidence, attracting potential partners like flies to honey. In love and art, you are nearly unstoppable. Use your magic touch to bargain for something you've been wanting or to ask a question you've been avoiding. Even though everyone pays attention to you, don't overextend yourself. You could say anything right now and people would believe you, but it might help if you mean it.

i'm not sure how many new people i will meet while curled up at home in my pj's. well, i will have to make a used bookstore run at some point - maybe then...

ok i'm back to bed.

december 6, 1989

Genevieve Bergeron- Nathalie Croteau - Anne-Marie Edward - Maryse Laganiere - Anne-Marie Lemay - Michele Richard - Annie Turcotte - Helene Colgan - Barbara Daigneault - Maud Haviernick - Maryse LeClair - Sonia Pelletier - Annie St-Arneault - Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz

resistance is futile

last night, in those quiet moments post party and pre sleep.

last night, in the dark.

last night in the warmth and safety of.

i've been trying to write this post all day. i don't know why it's so hard to start.

italo calvino wrote a novel that was comprised entirely of the first chapters of different books. if on a winter's night a traveller. i loved it cause the beginning is always the hardest.

while i was writing my thesis i had two things within view of both of the computers i used to work on. one was the quote that inspired my thesis (the beginning). the other was a foxtrot comic strip (explain to me again the difference between writer's block and a total lack of talent? pipe down. i'm sure after this first word it gets easier).

pipe down, you. i'm sure after this first word it gets easier.

shit.

---

nope not that word.

---

last night after the party, when we were curled up in bed and falling asleep (him) or passing out (me), mikeb gave me a talking. he said it hurts him to see me go after boys who aren't good enough for me. i told him that it's really hard to see someone you love(d?) every day and know that they are not with you, but with someone else. i told him that it seemed like it was better to be with someone who was not quite good enough than to always be alone. i think i cried. that's a lie - i cried. but i was drunk cause i don't do stuff like that.

today he told me that i needed to be with someone who appreciated the fact that i'm smart and independent and sexy. theoretically, grand plan. practically, boys like that don't like me.

hello rock. this is your hard place. i'll just stay here between you until my 24 cats feast on my undiscovered corpse.

why is this so hard for me to write about? it's not like it is something i've never talked about. today it is just.... hard.

from the 'why am i surprised to learn this' category

did you know that it is prohibited by law to sell sex toys in alabama? boggled, my mind is. boggled.

mmcashmeremmm

You are Cashmere.
You are sophisticated and luxe. You can often be
found in high-end boutiques and hobnobbing with
the upper crust. You are one of the beautiful
people and you don't let anyone forget it!

christmas party day!

so i woke up this morning around 7.00. i, however, *refused* to get out of bed, 'cause it was still dark as pitch out. i think there is something inherently wrong with getting up on the weekends when it's still dark as night. unless you are preparing to skulk home from an indecent exchange of bodily fluids. then it's fine-and-dandy.

i'm receiving a large number of hits from here. i guess that the post i wrote about sweaters is receiving some interest. welcome, fellow sweater lovers.


on that note (which is to say i'm seguing not so neatly into my latest bout of retail therapy) i love the vintage style which is in stores right now. it's not seventies, sixties, eighties... it's more in the twenties and thirties and forties. i LOVE style from these decades - pretty much everything about it. i love the fitted sweaters with bows at the neck. i love the cloche hats. i love the marcasite jewelry. should you ever meet a man who wants to marry me, tell him that i don't want a gaudy oversized diamond, i want a beautiful antique art nouveau ring. i want something that speaks to the timelessness of beauty and grace; something that melds the beauty of vines and flowers into gemstones and metal. lovely lovely.

tonight's my work christmas party. mr m will not be in attendance. he's taking his wife out on a 'date' - i guess to make up for the fact that she's being robbed of her rightful place at the company function by the sheer audacity of my presence. what does the man who's in love with another woman and been fucking around for 7 months buy his wife for christmas this season? enquiring minds want to know... oops, sorry. i'll get off the bitter bus now.

anyhoo... i've got to hit the day. i apologize for the uninspired, vaguely disjointed post. i've got baking products to purchase, antlers to find, and a tan to procure before i begin the arduous process of making myself irresistable to certain boys i work with. wish me luck!

what the hecks up with snoop dogg promoting every consumer product in the known universe?

anybody know? seriously dude...

besides that....

i introduced the divine ms. u to the best cocktail in the world - the raspberry mojito at the reef. quite delish. we were re-writing some christmas classics to rather irreverantly include the managerial types at work. probably what could be referred to as a 'career-limiting move'. ah well, as long as people laugh, right?

so true!

You Are From the Sun

Of all your friends, you're the shining star. You're dramatic - loving attention and the spotlight. You're a totally entertainer and the life of the party. Watch out! The Sun can be stubborn, demanding, and flirty. Overall, you're a great leader and great friend. The very best!

What Planet Are You From?

later that lazy sundae

today was one of those magical days where time shifts itself to perfectly match my mood: lazy; langorous; like a cat stretching in the sunshine. i somehow managed to spend some quality mom&daughter time; run an errand or two; change the linens; get my fuzzy winter sheets & blankets out of storage and put my summer things into storage; wrap some christmas gifts; spend an hour and a half or so with the kiddo outside of starbucks in the sunshine, sipping coffee, watching girls go by and pondering friendship and all its nuances; make an apple/raspberry crisp; talk to a friend who has just moved out of the apartment he shared with his girlfriend for a year; and discuss the merits and delights of a web journal with new convert the divine ms. u.

now, as i sit here nursing a full belly and a cup of tea, i'm thinking about putting my jammies on, getting my things ready for tomorrow and climbing into bed to watch cold case and law & order.

all seems to be right with the world.....





(knock wood)

lazy sundae

i miss snow.

every girl needs a boy like mikeb

one who will get up and brunch with you, and commiserate with you, and kick your ass when you do silly things like get hung up on boys who aren't worth it, and spend most of the day watching you try on dresses and giving you an honest opinion so you look cute at your christmas party, and take you to your christmas party, and take you to his christmas party, and generally be... well.... mike b.

loveyoubebe

growing up?

just after christmas last year, i had a falling out with someone with whom i'd been friends for a really long time. like, he was part of my family friends. like, when you put him and my real brother together, it sort of seems like they were separated at birth friends. like, on my first day of university, i saw him drinking a combination of peppermint herbal tea and hot chocolate and was both disturbed and fascinated, so had to meet him friends.

anyhoo, just after christmas we had a falling out. it had been building for a while - i felt like every time i called him he was too busy to hang out. it seemed like when he did call me to spend time, he purposefully asked me to do things that he knows i hate. things like that.

so we had this falling out. it wasn't a disagreement - it never came to that. you see, my habit is to just... close... the door. i ended the friendship. i didn't say anything. i didn't try to talk. i just.. shut it town.

i have a really hard time dealing with my feelings, you see, and a worse time communicating them. i turtle into myself and shut everyone out. i become a hermit and screen my calls and wait for everyone to go away, and eventually they all do. and why wouldn't they? this ultimately proves (in my mind) that i didn't really have any friends to begin with, and i'm better off on my own, and look here i am all alone etc etc etc.

now, this is an aspect of my personality i'm trying to change. i'm trying to talk about my feelings, and not keep myself closed off. i'm trying to let people in, and discuss it when i get hurt, or feel alone. (ok this new philosophy has opened up a whole can of hurt with you-know-who, but we won't go there, ok?) although, i did just blow off captain average without saying anything. oh, and bad-part-of-town guy. but come on, now. baby steps, here. i'm trying.

so anyway... toad(my friend)'s presence was noticably absent from my thanksgiving table last month. i don't think he's missed one in years. and i started thinking about it; about the stupidity of ending a friendship that had lasted for so long without a conversation, without a word. and i started thinking about how i didn't want him to be noticably absent from the game playing appie eating extravaganza that is christmas eve in my house. so.... i sucked it up and called on the weekend. i left a "just wanted to say hi" message. and he called me back last night. we are going for sushi tomorrow.

from the lovely hunny hun hun

Your first name of (raspberry's mild mannered alter ego) has given you energy, drive, and ambition, but also an almost excessively strong-willed and independent nature. While you are creative, inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, and always ready to initiate and promote new undertakings, you often experience difficulty in bringing your undertakings to a successful conclusion because of your own changing interests or changing circumstances. You become intensely involved with everything you plan to do, but the stress arising from frustrating obstacles or misunderstandings with others could prompt you to be intolerant and sarcastic in your expression, with breakdowns in congenial relations with family and friends a possible end result. Any emotional outbursts or moods would register as tension in your solar plexus, resulting in nervous indigestion and related problems. Tension could also centre in the head affecting the eyes, ears, sinuses, or teeth. True relaxation and peace of mind are elusive under this name.

all this time i've been blaming allergies.. it's all about my *name*!

You Are Gwen Stefani! All guys dream about you And all the girls want to be you "Sappy pathetic little me That was the girl I used to be"

why is there no unky-mood for bronte-esque?

i keep checking my own blog for updates. alas, nothing.

wunjo

my rune this evening says this:

Wunjo
Joy / Light
Comfort

This Rune announces a state of security and relaxation, a sense of well-being. Light is finally peeking through the clouds, fruits hang heavy on the branches, and bad times are finally staying behind.

You may see yourself surrounded by joy, pleasure and comfort both at home and outside. There is clarity and a new energy that will allow you to understand, to balance, to renew yourself and your personal relations.

Necessary changes have already been carried out, and now you may rejoice and receive Wunjo's blessings freely.

i like that. i'm not sure what the changes were, but i have, in the past few weeks, felt like i've crossed over a threshold of some sort or another.

i've also come to the conclusion that the internet dating thing is not for me. i know some people have had a great deal of success with it, but i need the heat and the spark of that first face to face meeting.. of eyes meeting across a room; of seeing someone who's so attractive that you cannot tear your gaze away; of dancing and brushing up against him. i need that. for me, to chat with a man over the computer or telephone before ever seeing him diffuses it, diminishes it. is it that way only for me?

movie night in canada

what with the cbc playing sepia-toned reruns of 1970's era hockey showdowns, what is a hot blooded canadian girl to do on a saturday night? why, pay $15 to support the american media machine of course....

last night mike b and i went to see 'national treasure', the latest nicholas cage vehicle. it's... not bad. definately no 'indiana jones', though it aspires to be. i'd say it's on par with the first 'tomb raider' (yes i liked tomb raider. lara croft is hoooootttt. plus, jon voigt plays the dad in this one too). anyhoo.

i think the highlight of the film for me is when ben (n. cage's character) takes a moment to step out of the plot and read what is, to him, the most important line in the declaration of independence: "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new guards for their future security".

now, since it has very little to do with what is happening in the plot at the moment (i don't believe that having the fbi and the office of homeland security dismiss your conspiracy theories as so much fluffernutter counts as abuse by your government) i can't help but think this was a well timed, deliberate political statement being made by either jerry bruckheimer, john (?) turtletaub, nic cage, or all three.

where it fails for me is that instead of cleverly weaving the political statement into the body of the film, the writers decided instead to hit the audience over the head with it. i read a review of the film which calls the riley character a metaphor for the audience - sort of stunned and needing to have every single thing explained for him outright. i'm not sure i'd be that unkind - it was a fun movie, if nothing else. and maybe the american film-going public is that thick. they did re-elect GW, after all. but i prefer having to interpret the underlying meanings of my texts like hunting for water with a divining rod, or for truths with the runes: not an exact science, and absolutely open for discussion.

new game!

apparently, the deal is called 'blog it forward'. the idea is that i talk about three people, then they go on and talk about three people etc. lemon-love-of-my-life pulled me in (and again, the raspberry and fun? hand in hand) so here are my three picks.

mike b is my wingman, my partner in crime, my non-sexual life mate. we do stuff together - meaningless stuff and meaningful stuff. i cry on his shoulder, i sleep in his bed. mike b gives me faith in men. please be advised that he blogs sporadically at best. it's kind of like finding money in your pocket - doesn't happen very often, but when it does it brings a smile...

mr. newly, though not so newly single... i found his blog one day through blogger's "recently updated" feature, i think, and was hooked pretty much immediately. he's funny, he's sincere, he gets bitter often enough to be interesting. plus i'm living vicariously through his international dating exploits.

swizz i discovered via lemon's site, i think. she lives in the same town as me, and every time i go dancing i peer about looking for this girl. keep in mind that i've never met her, so i'm looking for her the way she exists only in my imagination, but that's pretty fun, isn't it? i suspect we'd have a grand old time if we ever did meet....

so there you go kids - your turn now.

ps - i would have added maktaaq, cause reading her blog regularly is what inspired me to write my own, but i was sad to notice, the other day, that she is hanging up her keyboard. kisses, maktaaq, where-ever you may roam...

coconut bread

i'm eating for comfort. i wish to bury myself in layers of food. bring on the carbs, the fat, the protein. i'm seeking out the foods of someone else's childhood - potato and onion perogies, crisp and golden from the pan. turkey smokeys (organic, with no preservatives, from a local farm), skin popping at the teeth, juices dripping down the chin. shards of crusty loaves doused in hearty vegetable stews. i want foods soothing and spicy. i want foods dark and rich and decadent to the tongue. i want bitter chocolate and coca cola. i want buttery croissants dripping in milk chocolate. i want mexican hot chocolate - sweet and creamy and redolant of cinnamon.

someone feed me. someone set me to the table and bring me course after course. i want to eat till i cannot put another morsel to my lips. i need to be nourished physically - fuck this spiritual asceticism; i revel in gluttony and hedonism. feed me till i'm sated, finally satisfied, finally at peace.

is it friday yet?

how is it that i just had a minibreak and already i need a holiday?

last night i was doodling around with my 'puter and the porn star beeped me. "wanna play?" he asked... silly question. of course raspberry wants to play. raspberry lives to play. so off i went to visit his house by the ocean. i was hoping for an operation rematch, but he decided to play a game which i suck at. naturally, being a guy, he opted to make it a 'strip' version of the game. sure enough, within no time at all, there's miss raspberry naked on his couch while he sat fully clothed giggling on the chair opposite me.

mind you, as i pointed out to him some time later, it was quite a bit easier for me to get him naked than vice versa. took way less time, too. grrrrr.

look at me raspb'y christmas-shopper!

i don't think i've ever, in my entire life, been this far ahead of the consumer game. i have something for both my brother and sister. i bought a lovely sweater for my mama today, and have the kiddo's gifts almost all purchased. i am short prezzies only for my dad (the worst of the lot, truth be told), my sister's boyfriend, mike b, and lemon and lime.

how organized am i?!? nothing like altruistic retail therapy. ok in all honest, i bought myself a black cashmere/angora blend vneck sweater today, too. sue me :-)

anonymous II

so i don't generally allow anonymous commenting. i figure, if you've got something worth saying, you should at least allow people a way to respond to you on a personal level - especially since everything on this blog is 'on a personal level' for me, right?

but i do go in and look at the blocked comments on occasion. today, i noticed two worth responding to, so here they are:

1) I told you not to do it, and you got mad because the message was sent anonymously. You interfered in a marriage, and I think that is wrong. But more importantly at this point, you are being strung along and your feelings are being disrespected and dragged through the mud. DON'T DO IT. Not because of some high moralistic position on someone else's marriage, but because you deserve more and better.

Be *good* and be *true* to yourself; I just don't think the choices you have been making are either right now.

2) It doesn't matter if it was anonymous or not. People only want to hear or read what suits them.

Really, look over all of your previous posts and step out of yourself when you read them. Can you not see what's going on? This is not a movie, not a sit com. This is your life, and you only have one go at it. Plus, what kind of model are you for the young person in your life? Do you think that this is teaching him a positive view of women? Is it teaching him to respect women? To respect their strength and give them his best?

The people who comment and say nothing except sweet supportive bullshit are not your friends. Your friends love and support you, but give you truth. And because you are their friend too, you trust what they say and know that it's in the spirit of love.

Start thinking with your freaking head.

so i'm not going to unblock these two. however, i will respond thusly: you may notice that my friends give me sweetness and support. this is not bullshit - this, too, is truth. as an anonymous party you are privy to only a snapshot of my life. you see only the bits of pieces of information which i choose to write about. you don't see or have access to the parts of my history which make me vulnerable to these sorts of situations. you don't know that i have very little self esteem, and that i get completely caught up in keeping the other people in my life happy, but have very few tools for doing these things for myself. you probably have no idea that you can get me to do pretty much anything in the world you want me to simply by coming to me and telling me you need my help. also, there is a great deal that goes on that i *don't* write about. my friends do know these things, and so when you see sweetness and support it is coming from a knowledge of the larger story. know, too, that they tell me the hard things to my face - which is as it should be.

furthermore, the 'young person' in my life has no idea. i keep my private life very private. as far as he's concerned, we're friends, and nothing more. he's never seen any other side of it, or any inappropriate behaviour. for god's sake - this child has seen me tipsy exactly once. he's spent his life surrounded by beautiful, strong, educated women. respecting them is NOT an issue.

there. i've given you your forum. i'm not interested in only hearing the shiny happy bits. it's just my journal and i get to say who does and doesn't speak here.

i stole this from maktaaq

"If there is someone on your friends list who you would either like to tie down and have your way with, teasing them mercilessly and making them beg for release, or have them tie YOU down, post this exact same sentence in your journal."

back on the bus

symbolic for that cross country matrix
       shift.
point a to point be amid the unwashed
thrift of humanity.

ken kesey took us fuuuurther. i am
       doomed       to       ride
the number 10 round and round the block
unable to shake
myself
from the stasis which is this
rainy winter day.

i no longer wish to be part of your feedback loop.

yet

yet

      you
            continuously
                  rewind
the spools of film to watch the
same
sequence
unfurl
between the
bang! flash! pop! of

heat
and
sex
and
argument.

plot synopsis

ok so i think the best way of summing up this weekend is through the words of the actual participants. please note that these are not actors - these are real people speaking real words.

• "Vive la Beav!"
  
• "What happens in Whistler, stays in Vegas."
  
• "Oh man, my face hurts from laughing!"
  
• "Scruuuuunch!"
  
• "Nono! It's not just a vest, it's an ensemble
  
• "God Bless Whistler!"
  

i am not a consolation prize.

that's all.

working hard or hardly working?

would you believe that three different people have asked me that question today? just because i have the music cranked and am sitting here in my sweats doesn't mean that i ain't tussling with a spreadsheet. that's right. i said tussling. whatcha gonna do about it?

speaking of working hard, this is my horoscope for today:

Although you appear as if you're mulling your options to the rest of the world, events are bending themselves to your wishes. Hope and desire are tangible forces after all. If romance hijacks your life for a little while -- well, whoopee! You deserve this. Turn off the ringer and stop checking your email every five minutes. An uninterrupted night of relaxation should be the only thing on your mind right now.

that's not bad, huh? especially since i have a potential evening with the porn star (he had plans already but was going to see if he could juggle. i like a man who can juggle).

random thought: do you think that tim armstrong's grandkids will understand how monumentally cool he was? or david bowie's? or eminem's? or will they just be a potty old grandparent driven to early senility by years of hard living? odd thing to think about, i guess, but i've been contemplating both of my grandfathers today. when you hear the stories of your grandparents' youth, what do you think? did you have the opportunity to know their stories? or did you, in the arrogance of youth, think that it was not that important, or that you had all the time in the world?

a date with captain average

ok so i didn't go. so what. sue me.

i was up late last night talking to the porn star and to the new one (the porn star being the surfer boy from last weekend - this name seems more fitting considering his.... erm.... fittings, if you know what i'm saying). the new one has a great voice. captain average is nice but, well, average. decisions, decisions....

i told mr. m today that i was going to do everything in my power to ensure that we didn't end up "together" again. basically, i said to come back when he has the papers in hand. if that's never, then it's never - so be it, but this back and forth thing is killing me. sooooo... we can be friends, but seriously, that's it. he cried, i cried. a good time was had by all. this conversation precipitated a phone call in which he told me that he is consumed by thoughts of me; that he has never, ever felt the physical connection that he and i have with another woman; that he has never had the intellectual relationship that he and i share with another woman, including his wife. he told me that he can't stop thinking about the amazing time we have spent together, and that he doesn't know if he will ever get over me. i didn't really need to hear that, since i'm trying to be strong and stick to my resolve.

bleh.

after movie thinkin'

so mikeb and i (along with a friend of his) went to see alfie last night, then for drinks and a bite to eat after. i really liked it - i like jude law (mmmmm jude law) and i loved the way that the costume designer integrated the look and feel of the original film through the clothing and makeup of the characters, particularly the female characters. it was stylish and well put together.

the mood of the group, however, was quiet after the film - mike b found it depressing cause there were no answers - it's just a snapshot of his life and, at the end, he continues on. there's no resolution - it doesn't show you that he ends up in love with a beautiful woman and wonderful friends. and, to an extent, i can really relate to this. i fully embrace the idea that i'm single, and free, and answer to no one. but, at the end of the day, will i be going home alone to my studio apartment and have no one to spend christmas with? i've spent some serious time thinking about this stuff.. i really miss the companionship and connection you get when you are in a relationship. you can have it, to a certain extent, with your closest friends - and there are levels of intimacy that you reach with your friends that you may not reach with your boy/girlfriend - but there's a deeper connection when you add the sexual contact - when you bond yourselves physically as well as emotionally. and i miss having that bond, the easy physical contact. and, let's not kid, i really really like sex. everything about sex - especially when it's of the 'often' and 'good' variety.

where am i going with this post? nowhere i guess. the film jus got me thinking. i like the idea of going home to someone. i like the idea of being out dancing with my girls and struggling home to crawl into bed to someone who's been waiting for me to do just that. bleh. weird - i'm lonely and yet i'm not. i'm feeling disconnected, but last weekend, when i was visiting with lemon and lime, i felt totally at home. i get that sense of belonging with my friends - maybe it's just the sex i miss.

red raspberry

i love new hair. makes me feel so chipper. of course, it also makes me want to find boys to ravage. mmm ravage. good word.

lemon sent me some saucy photos of last weeks party. there are several of me, and i'm delighted to say that neither my boobs nor my tongue are hanging out in any of them. so i can assume that i was drunk, but not *that* drunk, even if i did make out with the surfer boy in the hot tub. mmm surfer boy... mmm ravage...

i called him the other day... should i have done so? lime says that boys are dumb and either they lose phone numbers or they think that we don't really want them to call. so i called. now really i should wait for him to call me, but i'm not very patient. hang on, i'll consult the runes... just a sec, won't be a mo...

Fehu Possessions / Nourishment The Common Wealth
This is the Rune of realization: an ambition satisfied, a love conquered, a reward received. It often signals the presence of abundant nourishment of all kinds, physical as well as spiritual.

Nevertheless, it reminds you that in moments of good fortune we run the risk of getting carried away by success, thus behaving imprudently. Fehu advises you to be aware of this so as to not let it happen.

Enjoy your good fortune and don't forget to share it: the good will of feeding others is a sign of a well-fed being.

what the f**k does that mean? hmph. should i call? should i not call? damn these internet fortune telling devices and their mysterious ways....

he said / she said

recent conversation:

she: "did you tell her that we've been together since the last time you promised never again"
he: "no"
she: "you know you are going to have to tell her. she deserves to know that you aren't keeping your promises, and you don't want her to find out by accident"
he: "i know. it's keeping me up at night. if i tell her i did it again, that's it. i'm out. she won't forgive me. twice was enough - three times is you're out."
she (snaps head around quizzically): "seriously? she won't go through with it"
he: "no, this time i think she will"
she (quiet for a few minutes, watching the river): "and you knew this before we were together again?"
he: "yup."
she: "so why did you do it then? if you knew that she would not take it anymore, that you'd reached the limits of her tolerance?"
he: "i don't know. i just can't resist you. not that way. i'm so attracted to you."
she (bursts out): "that's so not fair! that puts all the onus on me! this isn't my fault!"
he: "i know. i just..." (touches her face) "i really care about you." (leans in for a kiss)

todae's horoscope:

"No matter how hard you try to push them out of your life, some things just won't go away. The thing that you hoped most to forget is back in your face again. You have no other choice at the moment -- you must accept and integrate the person who has reappeared in your life. The current circumstances are quick to remind you that until now, you've had it your way for a long time. It's important for you to remember that reaching a compromise isn't the same thing as giving up."

ARRRRGGGGGGG

hee hee hee

i called the surfer boy. talked for an hour. hee hee.
i'm such a geek. the lime got me the number. i called it. he answered. an 'operation' rematch is in the works. i asked "were you letting me win in an effort to seduce me?" his response: "fuck no! if i could have won i'd have kicked your ass in a heartbeat!" at least he's honest lol.

the apocolypse may very well be nigh

i heard on the radio this morning that anne geddes and celine dion have collaborated on an album. be afraid.

an letter to america (apologies to newly and another drink)

BUCK FUSH


clear enough, kids?

here's the answer:

the rune i pulled today was perth (initiation, secret affairs)..

This Rune is associated with the Phoenix, the mystical bird that consumes itself in the fire to later rise from its own ashes. Powerful forces of change and renovation are in movement.

On the side of the mundane, there will probably be surprises such as sudden gains or the start of an unexpected relationship. On the spiritual side, it is time to rise above yourself, above ordinary living, in order to acquire a wider vision. Perth reminds you that the external is unimportant, except when it is a reflection of the internal.

so what was the question?

kind of like playing doctor, but different

first off, i have to say thank you thank you to the denizens of chez citrus for having me to stay this weekend. i had an amazing time - the company was superlative, the environment welcoming and cozy as always, and the party was fun fun fun.

i spent a good chunk of the evening playing operation with the surfer boy. see, the lime decided to turn this into a drinking game - every time you tried to get one of the bones out and missed, you had to take a drink. now, i kicked his ass like 5 times in a row (well, four, but i gave him one as a pity win). after a while, neither one of us were drinking, it was just about getting the damn things out of the body, you know? my bloodpressure skyrocketed - every time the thing buzzed i about jumped out of my skin. surfer boy joked at one point 'you don't even like this game - you are just using it as an excuse to lean on my so you can seduce me'. to which i responded "dude, if i was trying to seduce you i would have let you win by now". mind you, in retrospect.. maybe he was letting me win?

the costumes were all fabulous - mike b as the slutty girl guide and miss l. as the slutty brownie; there was a little red riding hood with a fur trimmed cape that i coveted, the hip hop chiquita and her illfated rocker love and, of course, me in my little devil outfit with my sparkly pink horns. which, i am proud to say, i managed to avoid losing over the course of the evening. how cool is that?

it has been a good weekend for my 'attractiveness to the opposite sex' meter - the date on thursday, surfer boy last night, and, on friday, the cute boy from the wrong part of town who tried to get me to go home with him ("you live where?" "(**insert name of mystery suburb here**)" "um, i think i'm just gonna go home thanx")... all i can say is... mr who?

spoooooookkkyyyy

yay! i'm off, the lime is off and it's oh so the friday before hallowe'en... tonight i'm heading over to lemon's to help decorate and drink wine and chat up a storm, and tomorrow shall be brunch and the big party and and and.. who knows?

i'm addicted to various on line future predictor sort of toys- you know, horoscopes, tarot readings, things like that. recently i've discovered a 'rune a day' sort of thing, so check it whenever i have a question rolling around in my head. ok i'm going to give this previous statement a caveat, so you don't think that mr. m has finally thrown me off the edge mentally - i don't think these things will tell me my future, or give me the answers to life's questions. however they are an interesting way to focus your thoughts - they give you an avenue to explore mentally when you are having trouble 'cause your brain is all swirly.

so anyhooo... this all comes up cause i had a date last night (more on that later). i have been quite reluctant to date in the last couple of months, cause i've been so conflicted over mr. m - i don't think it's fair to myself or to my potential man-of-the-hour. but last night i went out. and had an ok time, but found my thoughts getting tangled up in mr. m - feeling sort of guilty, stuff like that. then he called me this morning to say hi, expanding those feelings. when i hung up the phone, i did the focus on the question exercise and hit the button. this was the result:

Fortune smiles, and nice surprises will arrive unexpectedly. Something positive is on its way, something that is totally deserved. You will probably receive awards, maybe a promotion, an acknowledgement or a gift. There is hope and joy. There are fulfilled promises and dreams come true. There is grace and forgiveness.

Maybe some type of partnership is about to be born. If this is the case, Gebo reminds you to keep your individuality: remember that true partnership occurs when two beings form a team, each one retaining their own singularity.

what does this remind me of? well, that the important thing is that i'm about to spend a weekend with three of my favourite people in the world. that something new and fun is *always* just around the corner. that who i really want is someone as strong in their convictions and sense of self as i am, who can form a killer-kick-ass-people-taking on the world team with me and my friends, and that if you can't fit in, then you should just step aside.

and then, as i was sipping my coffee, i came across a great article in the newspaper about a canadian thinker that i have worked with, and like and respect and think the world of. he studies quality of life issues, but focuses his research on what makes people happy. the article closed with this great quotation, about how he thinks that, in the end, happiness depends on your perception. He said "Two people can look at a sunset. One person can see the sun going down, and the other person can see something beautiful happening. I've tried to look for the beauty".

now, if i was to believe in such things, i'd say that i've had some pretty significant guidance today. and it's not even 9am. who knows what the weekend will bring?

perplexed

questions i have heard in the last week:

Q:

"if we don't kiss it doesn't really count as sex, right? i won't really be fucking you, will i?"

A:

no, of course not. it just means that you are pretending you are with a PROSTITUTE. but putting your penis in me doesn't count as sex, so you can go home and kiss your wife and pretend like it's all ok. no worries.

Q:

"what happens if we meet and we only want to have sex?"

A:

what happens if we meet and we don't want to have sex? or, more likely, if you want to have sex with me, but i would rather see newly's elderly cleaning lady naked than you? then what, huh?

*shakes head in bewilderment*. tch. men.

i mean it

ok seriously folks. i need a distraction. send me a boy - a handsome, smart, and not too fucked up man to while away my time with. cause i gotta tell you, this seeing mr. m every day and pretending like everything is slap-happy is soul destroying. *seriously*.

if you are a boy or you know a boy who fits those categories (and yes i KNOW mike b fits those categories. he's off limits) please ask him to email me post haste. i'm cute, smart, funny, a great cook, and i give a really good... never mind. forget it. i'm off to the spca to adopt a cat or twelve.

why yes, yes i am

You're Bettie Page!


What Classic Pin-Up Are You?



thanks swizzalish!

check this:

what if "to kill a mockingbird" were written as a blog?

sweaters

there's something sexy about a woman in a well-fitted sweater, isn't there? as a (rather well endowed) adolescent, i used to have a particularly impressive collection of sweaters - most soft and fuzzy. i had a 'fan' who used to try and meet up with me first thing every morning to see which one i was wearing. his favourite was this scoop-necked cream confection with a fitted body that flaired out lightly over the hips and loose sleeves that came down over my knuckles. come to think of it, that sweater was one of my faves, too - warm, snuggly, and people liked to touch it.

i still have a fairly decent collection of sweaters, and they tend to lean towards fabrics that make people want to pet me. just last night i picked up two new ones - both cashmere blends. one's a great clay blue colour, and the other striped in great fall colours. normally i veer away from horizontal stripes (they tend to turn me into raspberry the walking breast) but this one has a v-neck cut deep enough that it breaks up that nasty effect. so i'm pretty excited. both are rather fitted - not so much that i can't wear them to work, but enough that paul (my highschool sweater fetishist) would be suitably impressed.

(i love consumer therapy... )

what it is about sweaters that *is* so sexy? i think for me it's that i'm wearing clothes that make me eminantly touchable. when i'm wearing clothes that i know *i* like to touch, i know that *other* people like to touch them (i.e. me) too. and feel free, by the way. once you have been welcomed into my comfort zone (i get anxious when strangers touch me, but am very cuddly with my friends) i welcome snuggles and petting of all sorts. anyhooo... i'm going to wear the stripy one today. we'll see what happens, huh?

costco

so i spent this evening wandering in this bastion of cut rate super sized consumer therapy, and found two things within the aisles that i thought worth sharing..

1) a jumbo sized jar of 'pork fluff'. don't ask me, i have no idea, but it made me laugh so hard that i cried and almost brought it home.

2) this arc shaped massager, that had these two vibrating balls at the centre, about 3 inches apart. i couldn't help but think of how you would, erm, apply that to strategic areas of the female anatomy. and gently rock it back and forth. while it vibrates. *whew!* (fans self) is it hot in here?

insane cuz o' brain-pain

so i've had this headache since (as i mentioned previously) saturday - specifically, sometime mid afternoon as i wandered in the sunshine with my bag full of natural food grocery goodies sipping a latte. it was round about that point that it dawned on me that i had crossed a line with mr. m and i probably wasn't going to be able to cross back, even if he did come dancing up begging for forgiveness for the last couple of months of hell. it struck me like a lightning bolt behind the ear and sort of has been stabbing at me since then. i took so much pain relief medication that i actually made myself sick to the stomach, then realized that it was probably a stress based thing that would have to sort itself out and gave up on the pharmaceuticals (sorry, newly - maybe if you'd shared your cookies...)

sunday and yesterday were bearable - well yesterday, as the day carried on, it became less so - then i woke up this morning and tried to lift my head off the pillow and became convinced that someone had snuck into my room and impaled my brain on a railway spike like some sort of grey matter popsicle. so i stayed home. it is hanging around in waves - sort of comes and goes - but i think i shall be better tomorrow.

the point to this story is that i'm now at that exhausted state you get when faced with prolonged physical pain. you know, the kind in which you want to be surrounded by warm quilts, with tea in a carafe just within reach, a steady supply of good novels to peruse, brainless yet entertaining films on the tv, and someone to curl up with you and make sympathetic noises while fluffing your pillows. i hate that point. mr m did message me this morning when he realized i was not at my desk (and yes, this probably means that he went looking for me) to say he hoped i was feeling better. which was nice, but... not the same. however, the truth of the matter is that a quick sympathetic message is the best i could have hoped for from him - even without the saturday epiphany. and, honestly, that's just not enough for me. so i'm glad i had my epiphany, cause otherwise i'd be sitting here exhausted and feelign more sorry for myself than i already do. you can't be upset when people refuse to give you what you expect them to, if it is more than they have to give. you just have to understand the limits of their involvement and decide if it is enough for you. if it is, you accept that and move on - you can't hold it against them. if it isn't, *you* move on and don't hold it against them. so, that's what i'm trying to do.

will i relapse and feel crappy? of course. i love him. but i'm not willing to accept the fact that the limits of what he has to offer me are so easy to reach. to quote the deftones "i feel like more".

parent - teacher evenings

well, unlike the far more civilized school of mr newly's offspring, the kiddo's school did not serve me wine. they did eat mandarin oranges in front of me though. damn them all. however, they did give me the reassuring news that, despite his stubborn resistance to finishing all tasks math in nature, my son is doing well in his classes. indeed, they were discussing his potential future in the "arts 101" program at ubc - a highly focused program that combines history, english and philosophy, or a political science program at one of the local colleges. it's neat to hear educators talking about how impressed they are with your 15yr old's grasp of politics and current events, and his quality as a writer.

aside from that, i am home sick with a headache today. i believe that my headache may be about 6' tall and be commonly referred to as 'mr married' hereabouts. actually that's not entirely true, but i do think that the fact that my headache originated around the same time as i decided to tell him i've finally had enough of his games can't possibly be that coincidental, you know?

grr

i'm pretty sure that george stroumboulopolis could convince me that George Bush Sr was the greatest canadian who ever lived. grrrrrrrr...

can it

ok so despite my brave front of yesterday, seeing him today still felt like crap. though i did give him a whole-hearted piece of my mind, which felt good, at least at first.

you know, i always feel crappy when i say things that hurt people - even if they are true things; even if i'm responding to cruelty; even if i'm defending myself. i can't help it - i feel guilty and awful and like a very bad person. i'm stricken by the overwhelming compulsion to apologize. where does this come from? is it part of my indoctrination as a card carrying female that i should always be meek and mild and never stand up for myself? arrrg.

anyway, i'm back to feeling strong about not being with him, though melancholic about once again being alone. i was pondering the idea of putting up a counter - sort of one of those "x number of days till the end of the world" type dealios, but to chronicle how long i go with out actual sex. (for a second there i wrote *can* go without sex. that's just fucking sick. who would do such a thing intentionally?)(no pun intended there, by the way.) i think that currently i'm at, erm, (must take fingers off keyboard to count) 10 sex-free days. as opposed to ten free sex days, which would be much happier, in my humble opinion. mind you, if the number get's too depressing someone make me stop counting. that can't be good for me. or for you - no one needs to witness *that* particular car wreck, if you know what i'm saying...

rainy sundae

today i was supposed to go watch someone run in the richmond flatlands race, but... i slept in. yes that makes two days in a row. ok today it was only 8am that i slept till, but dammit that's still sleeping in for me. so, i feel bad, and i shall apologize profusely tomorrow when i see him, but obviously i needed the sleep. in fact, i didn't go anywhere last night - i curled up in my bed with a bag of sunchips (such a guilty pleasure: cheese *and* corn), watched saturday night tv, finished off a novel, and was asleep before midnight. and, i might add, slept straight through till quarter of eight. i haven't done that in god knows how long.

it is amazing the difference a week makes, huh? this time last week i was already elbow deep in banana cream pie preparation, and was feeling particuarly miserable cause of mr. married's lack of communication. this week, while he did call me for a brief chat yesterday evening, i find that i'm pretty much apathetic about the situation. while i love him lots, and still miss him and miss hanging out with him, i just am not prepared to deal with the emotional baggage that goes with him, i guess, and am coming to that conclusion more and more firmly.

i wish *this* week was thanksgiving weekend, though, so i would only be halfway through my fourday weekend, and i would be upstairs cooking up a storm. i love cooking for people. i wish i could throw dinner parties once a week - ok that'd get expensive - once a month and have interesting vibrant people come to my home and drink wine and have amazing conversations. kind of like an algonquin round table sort of thing, but at my house and with more food and not so much alcoholism.

some friends (lemon, lime, mike b) and i always talk about what we'd do if one of us won the lottery, and sort of fantasize about buying this massive house and living in this quasi-communal household. i *love* that idea, because i really like having people in the house. i like having my own space, and have an intense need for privacy, but i crave the intellectual stimulation that comes with living with and being surrounded by intelligent creative people. i think with the right people you can easily balance those two needs. i also know it's just a pipe dream but hey, that's what "what would i do if i won the lottery" fantasies are all about, right?

horoscope

this is a good one -

"Because of changing circumstances that directly impact your life, you may be feeling somewhat insecure these days. But instead of trying to jump into the driver's seat, just stay cool. Remind yourself that changing your mind or position is not a sign of weakness but, when done correctly, a sign of strength. Loved ones, associates or partners seem to have taxed your patience to the limit recently. But the stars are endowing you with the inner strength you need to lay down a few new laws -- including your right to a peaceful existence. A changing work situation holds promise, and this week, a few well-placed words will make all the difference."

not-so-early in the morning

ok, so i seem to be afflicted with whatever disease the lemon has come down with. i came home at four, and did not lift my pretty raspberry head until after 9.30 this morning. what's wrong with me?!

so last night i went out with some work type folks to see a band and do a little drinking. i ended up sitting on a velvet couch snuggled up between n¹ and another handsome fellow from our office. as the bar closed, a handful of us wandered off to a local club to dance to some electro-house music... i found myself on the dance floor as the only girl with four, count'em four of the best looking men at my company. and we have some handsome men.

n¹ was quite, erm, interested, over the course of the evening. and i definately picked up on some flirty vibes from the other couch boy... but i declined both opportunities. i just wanted to go home and crawl into my comfy bed and sleep in. ok there. i said it. i WANTED to sleep in. however, n¹ did mention that he may want to come dancing with ms. u and i this evening. so.. things may progress.

the added perk to the whole n¹ flirtation is that mr. m has a particular beef with Nsquared. i'm not sure where it comes from but it's there. so.. he knew i was going out with them last night, and so will probably not speak to me all weekend. but whatever - i'm tired of the whole situation. you can only apply so much positive energy to an emotional black hole before it's no longer a fun experiment, you know?

anyhoo... it's getting late, and i'm still in my jammies. i can't decide if this is to be the theme for today, or if i should get off my keister and get a plan. but i should start thinking about it, anyway, huh?

i love the fact

that when you google 'raspberry sundae' you come up with hits for me, flowers, and ice cream - and i come first. what could be sweeter?

rip

somehow, it slipped my attention that a man responsible for much of my faith in humanity passed away a few days ago. this man was at least indirectly responsible for forming some of my most closely held opinions on the nature of humanity, and our place in the philosophical world. no, of course i don't mean christopher reeve (though i do have some highly tasteless jokes, if you are interested). i mean...

"Il n'y a pas de hors-texte."

farewell, sir jacques. we shall miss you...

faster than a speeding bullet

so i kind of posed a theoretical question to my former thesis supervisor today... i sort of asked him if sort of how it would work if i sort of maybe though about perhaps going back to school to finish my degree.

he's apparently got me signed up, practically, and has told my brother (who's attending at my former school) who promptly mentioned it to my folks, who came rushing down the stairs to see what i was up to....

folks! i'm committment-phobic! yer freakin me out!!

insert noise created by disbelieving vomitting action here

what are you twelve? you don't just disappear from people's lives and then send them cryptic emails saying you care about them and didn't mean to hurt them. and give me back my fucking garden state cd. i want to listen to 'such great heights' and wallow in my misery.

early sundae

good morning folks... i'm just sitting here waiting for my coffee to brew so i can get a jump start on the thanksgiving feast. i've got big plans for the who-beast, and stuffing to make, and a banana cream pie, and more starchy vegetables than you can shake a stick at, but i wanted to say 'hi' before i started to kick dinner's ass.

so when i came back from pg i told mr. m that i was going to start seeing other people... that i was going to stop putting my life on hold till he figured his shit out. of course, this was met with a great deal of angst on his part, and, i'm sure, played no little part in his upswinging the roller coaster the last time... but i really do think it's time. it's not fair of him to leave me hanging all the time, and i hate sitting at home anticipating a visit or a phone call that may or may not materialize. it's one thing to spend saturday night curled up watching vids when you have someone curled up around you. it's another thing entirely to do it on your own too often. and i gotta tell you - this up and down thing is depressing the hell out of me. i'm practically demobilized.

so... long story short, i think i'm back on the scene, kids. if you know any cute boys, send 'em my way.

gobble gobble

so mike b and i are hosting thanksgiving festivities tomorrow here chez raspberry. if you find yourself turkey-less, please feel free to join us. i'm not actually sure how many people will be attending... maybe 5 or 6? i will assuredly cook more than is humanly possible for that many people to eat. i always do...

last night i was talking to mr. m on the phone, trying to set a timeline for this 'thing' that we've got going on... i thought to myself "self, check out your journal.. there'll for sure be a starting point in there". so i did. six months.. almost seven. how crazy is that? over half a year we've been riding this rollercoaster. no wonder it's so hard to get off... it's a pattern, a habit. funny how good habits are hard to make, and bad habits are hard to break.

i've been listening to the garden state soundtrack, and there's a cover of the postal service song 'such great heights' on it. it's very quiet and acoustic, and very pretty: "i'm thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned..." how pretty is that? i wish i wish someone would right stuff like that about me. that would be amazing, huh?

174th

the fact that, even though he has the mental capacity of that pop can (no, that one. no the one over there. never mind) he always made an effort to understand me when i talked 'smart'. twice in the last week i have started talking about stuff at work (movies, books, whatever) from a critical perspective (hellooooo - advanced education in cultural studies and literary analysis here folks) and had someone tell me that they stopped listening when i started talking about that "crap". it makes me miss people who are interested in the stuff i know. lots.

for example this lovely girl wrote a poem i really liked. it made me think of denise levertov, and her rhythms and way with words. however, i have no one to really talk about it with - to read the poem too and talk about how i can listen to the words and close my eyes and hear the hiss of the tires on the pavement; how i can almost - almost - lean back in my chair and look to my right and see the flash flash blur of the streetlights reflected in the raindrops on the car window. so, i'll just post the levertov poem here.

merritt parkway

As if it were
forever that they move, that we
keep moving -

Under a wan sky where
as the lights went on a star
pierced the haze & now
follows steadily
a constant
above our six lanes
the dreamlike continuum...

and the people - ourselves!
the humans from inside the
cars, apparent
only at gasoline stops
unsure
eyeing each other

drink coffee hastily at the
slot machines & hurry
back to the cars
vanish
into them forever, to
keep moving -

Houses now & then beyond the
sealed road, the trees / trees, bushes
passing by, passing
the cars that
keep moving ahead of
us, past us, pressing behind us
and
over left, those that come
toward us shining too brightly
moving relentlessly

in six lanes, gliding
north & south, speeding with
a slurred sound -

the 173rd thing i miss about my crazy exboyfriend

walking in the fog, at night, drinking chai and holding hands (the kind of hand holding where both of your hands are tucked up inside the sleeve of his jacket).

so on my way home this evening, i noticed that the sky to the south was very grey and quite hazy. i immediately attributed this to the impending big-bang-boom of mt st helens. please note that i was not listening to the radio (was yodelling ecstatically off tune along to 'sabotage') so had no idea whether or not i was correct in my assumption.

i came bursting in the door and announced to my housemates "thar she blows" or something equally eloquent. we flipped on the tv and, sure enough, the lead story on the evening news was about the blast of steam and ash which erupted earlier this afternoon. i was busy patting myself on the back for my meteorological powers of observation, when my dad poo-poo'd my idea.

"it's just an inversion he said. inversion my ass. typical prince george winter weather mythology: the mills have spewed sulphuric waste into the air. because it's so cold, the pollution settles on the city in a thick yellow soup like nothing dickensian london ever saw. the city fathers call it an "inversion". i call it like it is: pollution. stink. not the smell of money, the smell of industry. that, folks, is what cancer smells like.

this, i feel, is not the same sulphuric sputum of my childhood winters, but is it entirely coincidental that mt st helens erupted just to the south a few hours ago? i think not...

OH MY GOD

i have a new favourite song. go here and watch the deftones cover the cure's "if only tonight we could sleep". i think it changed my life.

holy fuck i'm bored

what the heck has made this evening stretch so interminably? my god i think i may die of sheer boredom. bleh.

i've eaten. i've baked. i've made my lunch. i've set my clothes out for tomorrow. i've tried to distract people who are actually being productive. now the only thing left to do is kill time till csi starts.

yawn.

i don't like mondays

man oh man. where to begin? so friday began another downsweep on the raspberry express. mr m was off on a bad mood bender, and i happen to be the most available recipient of his ill karma. so.... mike be scooped me up and rushed me up to the land of *real* fall - red leaves and woodsmoke; foggy mornings and crisp, sunny afternoons; sweaters shed in the afternoon warmth; really big trucks and bigger mulletts.

i spent the better part of saturday evening sitting on a swing in evening air redolent with the scent of autumn, listening to the wind rustle through the fallen leaves and watching the full (or nearly full) moon. andrea and i sat there and talked and talked and talked... man i miss that girl.

we came back through the ranchlands - up the switchbacks on the logging roads; through the lowhanging trees heavy with fall foliage; down the cuts; across the fields full of grazing cattle. i've never gone that way. all these years of living in bc and i've only ever driven between pg and lotusland the one way - down the highway through the canyon. man i love this province - i love knowing that one right hand turn will take you into the backcountry and that you can travel from vancouver straight through to quesnel that way. i love seeing ranches that are probably completely inaccessible once it snows. i'm attracted to this pastoral isolation and history on a molecular level. my grandpa used to be an avid reader of bc history - his favourites being the stories of the ranchers and trappers and otherwise leathery characters who settled central and northern british columbia. i spent my spring and summer breaks at their house, devouring the stories of the people who settled this province. seeing the ranches perched on the bluffs in the trees brings me back to their house, to my own history.

andrea and jp are thinking of buying property in a fairly isolated part of north-eastern bc. this works well with jp's career, and their desire to bring up their (not so distant) children in a place where they can learn respect and love for an outdoor life. andrea's a little worried - she's a city girl, too, and loves the culture and life and vibrancy that is the urban environment. i don't know if i could do it - i looked at those isolated ranchlands and thought of the lives of their inhabitants, closed off from the outside worlds for as long as the mountain roads are closed by snow. i'm not sure i can keep myself company that well for that long. and how many books would i have to buy in october to see me through to spring?

ok

i think i fixed it. was a virus or a tracking thing or something. i hope anyway. was really freaking irritating...

HEY!

what the fuck is up with the nt search links in my blog? how the fuck do i make them go away?

flip flop

so he makes up his mind, then he changes it again. then he makes it again. then he changes it again. then i'm getting phone calls from the third party in this matter saying awful things about me - things that contain information that only he could have given her. he apologizes, says she twisted facts and took info out of context. says its over and we can't see each other. then sneaks out of the house and calls me a few hours later to tell me how he just can't stay away from me and what a beautiful person i am, and how he just wants to put his arms around me and comfort me and make it all ok.

he figures that since he keeps coming back to the decision that he wants to stay, that he should stay. i say, fair enough, but ask him if he doesn't think it is just as telling that every time he "makes" that decision he is completely miserable and "unmakes" it within a couple of days? he feels he owes her for forgiving him. i told him the only thing he owes her is honesty in his words and his actions. he owes it to himself to make a decision that he can truly live with and that will truly make him happy, and stick to it.

all aboard the raspberry rollercoaster for another spin? actually folks, i'm getting a little sick and think i just want to get off.

weird

so something strange happened today. while i was sitting here at my laptop, my msn logged me out, saying that i'd logged in at another computer. my pc was sitting here beside me, notable in its off-ness. so i promptly changed my password. i left it on while i went out for the evening, then came back to find myself logged out and unable to log back in because of too many unsuccessful attempts. verra strange...

sundae's horoscope

"It appears as if you have the whole world in the palm of your hand, and all of humanity is more than willing to dance to your tune. As the stars change position, you have the uncanny ability to make the situation work to your advantage without appearing to lift a finger. Enjoy the situation to its utmost -- sooner or later, even you will want to let someone else run the show while you take a break"

new stuff

by the way... check out the sidebar. i've added a few fun links.

pensive sundae ix

i love listening to the rain outside my window. which, i suppose, is a good thing, considering where i live. the other night i was lying in the tub in the dark, with the big window open, listening to the biggest rainstorm we've had in months. it was so soothing... there's nothing like the sound of running water to really bring me back to earth. strange for a fire sign, huh?

everybody is talking, lately, about the advent of fall... crisp cool mornings, leaves on the ground, brisk walks... i miss fall up north- you'd wake up in the morning and the world is covered in frost and sunshine, and the air is kissed with a hint of wood smoke. by mid morning the air has warmed and you are wondering what possessed you to bring this warm sweater. my favourite thing about fall, though, is the puddles that were not very deep - they've frozen into this thin layer of glass the consistency of movie windows. when you step on them they shatter and crack into a thousand pieces and the sound resonates through the morning and the water has magically disappeared. i used to walk on the street rather than the sidewalk on my way to school - the best place to find these little heavens is right against the curb in the rain gutter. my sister and i would race to see who got to crack them first.

what will be my new beginning this fall? it is funny because for most of the summer i thought i knew... within the last month all of that has changed, and changed, and changed again. i want to crack the ice on my life... shatter it with my red boots and race to the next puddle, till the surfaces on the path are no longer smooth and serene and the water can rush back in. i want to unwrap the warm scarf from my neck and lift my face to the unwarm sunshine. i want to undo my coat and let the chill air run its fingers over my skin, lifting my nipples and the hair on my arms and reminding me i'm alive.

hot feet

when my feet are hot, i can't sleep. does anyone else have that problem? and what, exactly, causes it? why is it that the rest of my body is completely normally temperatured, and my feet are on *FIRE*? so irritating. i was awake forever last night - could not cool my feet off to save my life. i stood on the cold tile, i sat them in a sink full of cold water - nothing. this must be some kind of warning sign for a dire medical condition. diagnosis, please.

this thing with (***) is still rolling around in my head. he's caught between his two worlds, trying to make a decision between what makes him happy and what he feels like he *should* be doing. i still hold to my opinion that he's going to stick with his responsibilities. that's the kind of person he is. but i shall be heartbroken (again, still). i really love him a lot. wow. there's so much feeling present. i generally ask people i know who are in long-term successful relationships how they knew the person they are with is the one they should be with. invariably, the answer is 'you just know'. the funny thing is that with (***) i know. how do i reconcile that? how do i come to terms with the fact that the person i feel SO much for, that the person i feel safe with and comfortable with and *ME* with will probably choose to be with someone whom he feels less than that for, because things with her 'aren't that bad'. he will choose the easy road because it's, well, easy. makes me really angry.

he went to see a counsellor the other day who told him that he was just addicted to me. this has got to be some kind of breach in counselling ethics - is our culture so marriage-centric that this person honestly would rather assume that his feelings for me are pathological rather than that there is something missing in his marriage, or, even closer, that I am someone special who has stumbled into his life and who he actually does have genuine, intense, passionate emotion for? i was so angry when he told me that - his wife is, of course, going to latch onto the idea that he's addicted to me and therein lies the difficulty in the marriage, rather than assume responsibility for her role in the decline. it shifts all of the blame and guilt onto him (and me, cause i am now no better than heroin or crack) and leaves him with the sole responsibility for 'fixing' something which may very well not be broken, just not *right* anymore.

hmm deep thoughts for a sundae morning. i'm obviously spending too much time by myself again.

bronte parte ?

ok so i'm back to feeling a little bronte. there's not really a unkymood that particularly covers it, though.... maybe goth, but i *am* feeling a little childish today, so i will leave it as is.

i am going to be impoverished for the next god-knows-how-long... my car broke down on the way home the other night and it is going to cost me literally thousands of dollars to fix. is the car worth it? well, i can't particularly afford a newer one, since i haven't actually finished paying for this one, so it kind of has to be. and i can't very well quit my job, or i won't be able to pay for this one OR fix it. but i did have some 'if i stepped in front of this speeding truck my insurance would pay off all my debts' thoughts while i sat beside the useless hunk of metal on the side of the highway, let me tell you.

so maybe my bronte feelings are a natural reaction to the fact that i can't afford to do anything that isn't FREE right now. how crappy is that? but the divine ms u and i have plans to see dekoze in a few weeks - if you are in the lotusland area, GO SEE DEKOZE. he's the best, seriously.

anyhoo... i'm off to hide in a mystery novel / watch CSI for the rest of the day..