i *LOVE* tickets!

OOO OOO OOO got my papa roach tickets and i am soooo excited! (the kiddo is irritated and doesn't want to talk about it. he's quite jealous. i need to see if they have a 'my mom went to see papa roach and all i got was this stupid tshirt' shirt). how fun is that? it's been so long since i've been to a good rock show - open seating, bodies thrashing around, cute metal boys. will be fun fun fun!

so hot

Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.

ms swizz (delightful benefactor who bestowed the above glory upon me) is vowing off the 'net quizzes. i really should but they're

just...

so...

good.....

better now, thanks

ok this is my SECOND attempt at this post (stupid blogger), which has me feeling a little angry again. but anyway.

after confirmation of my 'bad sexy'(was there ever any doubt?) a loverly lunch with the kiddo (mmm jerk tofu roti mmm), a pit stop at a jewish bakery for chocolate babka (can't beat a babka!), a little work, and a bit of a nap on the couch, i'm feeling more my chipper sundae self.

i took advantage of our lunchtime adventure to have a bit of a 'mom' talk with the kiddo. i wanted to talk to him about his attitude toward school, and about thinking about what he wants to do with his life. he figures that he's got two and a half years to figure it out, and knows he's going to change his mind ten times before he graduates. i think i spoke well when i told him that thinking about what he likes to do, and trying to see if there is a way to make money doing it isn't the same as committing yourself (*shudders* - commitment. eek!) to something. it's actually about having a goal to work towards. and, most of the time, when you are working towards that goal, doors that you never even knew existed pop out of the woodwork on every side.

on another, similar but really different, note, i'm surprised that this article didn't inspire more discussion. as a (fairly young) mom of a teenager, i can fully understand the desire to relate to your kid, and understand their likes and dislikes. i really like the fact that i know the 'freaky-deaky' slang he uses, and even what it means. i like the fact that i can shop for him, and he will like what i choose. i know he admires my sense of style - not that common in a parent/teen relationship. i even *listen* to half of the music he listens to - we regularly introduce each other to new songs, bands, genres. and i know that he smokes weed (or 'chron' as they call it) with his buddies. i know he drinks beer on the weekend. however, he knows that i have a problem with it. i try and walk the fine line where my concern is apparent, but he still feels like he can come to me without me getting all judgemental and shutting down my 'listening' in order to be a strict parent..

that said, i still have a responsibility to help guide my child in the rough decisions he has to make as a kid. i still have a responsibilty to cherish and protect and assist him in making healthy choices. i don't think that woman has done this - it is possible to avoid falling into the 'black and white' boxes of the parent and child relationship while still holding onto some of the 'parental' duties. supplying your kids with drugs and sleeping with their friends is not the way to go about it.

god knows i'm fighting my maturity with sharp sticks and a slingshot, but i still think that there is a time to take the high ground. kids, much as they'd like to believe the opposite, don't have the knowledge and the experience to make the best decisions. hell, neither do i, sometimes. but it's up to me, as a mom, to try and do the best i can at being the gps system of life, for at least one person, for at least a little while. i mean, come on. that's what friends do - can't a parent do that at the very least?

nothing new..

You Are Bad Girl Sexy Girl, you are nothing but trouble. And that's hot. You've got the classic bad girl sexiness mojo going on. And you're badass attitude makes men fear you - and crave you. Don't give into people who say to tone it down. You're perfect as is. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

cranky pants

i am in a shitty mood this morning. i was having these screwed up dreams in which i was being hunted by the police / various government agencies, and it was one of those nights where you'd pull yourself awake out of a bad dream and fall back to sleep only to resume it, or to have another equally bad one.

i'm pissed off at the world and pissed of at myself and pissed off at everything in between.

i'm pissed off at fucking george bush for throwing himself a fucking forty fucking million dollar party when half the world was swept away by tragedy less than a month ago, when mostly innocent men and women are loosing their lives in his stupid war, when there are god knows how many children in the us going without a decent education, decent healthcare, or a decent fucking meal today. i'm pissed off at americans (yes i know not all of you voted for bush. but enough of you did) for voting this fucker in.

i'm pissed off at the NHL Players association, and at the team owners, for cancelling fucking hockey. you guys make enough god damned money. get over yourselves - it's a fucking game.

i'm pissed off at people like this woman who is so fucking arrogant as to believe that corporations and/or people in other companies shouldn't harbour/promote anti-american sentiments. so don't eat at subway. OH NO- they are advertising a pretty decent criticism of american culture and asking a very legitimate question - why are so many americans fat? tell ya what - go get the fucking 'apprentice burger' from bk and suck up all the calories and fat from the comfort of your naugahyde lazyboy. never mind what it's gonna cost your body and your health insurance.

i'm pissed off at people like mr m who is writing away to oakley 'cause the arm on his ten year old sunglasses broke and he wants to see if he can get another pair for free. fuck you, you self-indulgent yuppie. the more that people who CAN afford things scam their way into free stuff, the less likely companies are to give shit to people who can't. dip into your 130k salary and spend the 140bucks for christ's sake. and that goes double for fucking donald trump, who gets 1.5 million dollar wedding rings for fucking free. you know where that money should have been spent? see my previous discussion of healthcare, food, and education for fucking children. they deserve it. you don't.

anyway... if you see me on the street today, depending on your strength of character, either steer clear or put your arm around me and take me somewhere quiet and feed me something comforting - preferably chocolate.

ya i figured....

Which John Cusack Are You?

toy lust

Darth Tater.

apparently...

i'm not as cool as i thought...

is it just me?

or does this fortune cookie fortune seem a little ominous:

"your biggest problem will soon be nothing." not solved, not get better.be nothing.

what does that mean? does it mean that i'm in for a whole new world of problems which are much more threatening? or does it mean that my biggest problem will soon be annhialated? i'm concerned.

what if i like my problem? i'm sort of attached to it- i wouldn't want to see ithurt in any way, or end up having some sort of disaster-movie style traumatic finale, where the good guy gets the girl, and is doomed to a future of non-exciting marital style sex and maybe a house in the suburbs. my problem will be longing for its former action-hero lifestyle, with the fast cars and the submachine guns and the swinging from building to building stuff. i don't want my problem to be nothing. i want it to be happy - to flourish and grow and prosper. run, little problem! run away! be free!

it explains so much...

You Are 20 Years Old

20 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

new perspective

just spoke with the divine ms. u. her first reaction to my new 'do was the potential 'hot' factor for people watching us make out, now that we are more similar looking.

god bless that girl.

i may have done a scary thing

a great deal of my personality is centred around the fact that i'm a fun-lovin' bubbly blonde. today, i dyed my hair dark. not chocolate lowlights, not caramel. dark chocolate brown. the brown of a really good espresso. there are no blonde highlights to 'soften' it, or to make it 'look natural'. (look natural? i brazenly said to my lovely lovely stylist. look natural? i'm a blonde. everyone KNOWS i'm a blonde. what part of going dark involves trying to look natural?)

now i'm really good with hair change. this is something i'm very used to - the crazy exboyfriend is a hairdresser of considerable skill, and i was his salon guinea pig for three years. new colour on the market? give it a try! celebrity with a kicky new haircut? absolutely! i pretty much always have a decent haircut and good colour. but my mama's reaction was less than pleased (she feels it's too dark for my skintones). the kiddo was exuberantly positive, but he's a ladies man. true, he's pretty honest about what he likes and doesn't like, but he knows his way around the female of the species, so can't necessarily be trusted. so... i'm a little worried. it's fine. i'm sure it's fine. of course it is. i'm being silly.

i hope.

happy birthday mlk

most of the southern states do not recognize martin luther king jr day. noises were made today regarding their backwater approach to civil rights and the fact that they are so 'behind the times'. i pointed out that neither does canada. sure mlk was an american citizen. but what recognizing a day in his honour is supposed to represent transcends borders. today, i am a little ashamed to be a canadian for that reason.

in our house (our being the kiddo and my house of tea and baking, lit by candles, warmed by love and scented with cinammon and coffee) there were three rules which we tried to abide. they were printed off on plain 8.5x11 white paper, in arial font, and stuck to the fridge with odds and ends of shakespearean fridge magnet poetry.

1)Say what you mean, mean what you say.

2)Be good, do good, feel good.(stolen from yogi tea)

and the third, and the one that i believe in most strongly was the wiccan threefold law - that is, whatever, whatever you send out will be returned to you threefold. this is the rule, the law, the basic building block of life that deserves the strongest contemplation for it reminds us that we are directly responsible for the state of the world - we are active participants in our own quality of life and in the lives of others.

my resolution is to treat myself better. part of that is treating my world better - approaching my world with positivity and love because, if i do, it will come back to me threefold.

---

here are some things to think about today:

"what is hateful to you, do not to your fellow man" - the talmud

"i object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent" - mohandas k gandhi

"you must be the change you wish to see in the world" - mahatma gandhi

"if we have no peace it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other" - mother teresa

"We were born to make manifest
The Glory of the Universe
that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;
It is in everyone.

As we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same."
- nelson mandela

"If the human race wishes to have a prolonged and indefinite period of material prosperity, they have only got to behave in a peaceful and helpful way toward one another" - winston churchill

"there is no way to peace. peace is the way" - a.j muste

"If humanity is to progress, Gandhi is inescapable. he lived, thought, and acted, inspired by the vision of humanity evolving toward a world of peace and harmony. We may ignore him at our own risk" - martin luther king jr

"The real thing is not the goal, but the beauty of the journey, the travelling itself. If you are too concerned about the goal, you will miss the journey. The journey is life. It is an infinite journey. There is no beginning and there is no end. In fact there is no goal. It is the creation of the mind. Every moment is the goal" - rajneesh

---

i have decided this year to look after myself better. i will seek out love in all its forms. i will do what i can, in my way, to send love out into the world for if i stand by and let the negativity take stronger hold then i am no better than anyone.


go read this girl she writes it better than i do.

for the record

paul martin is the first and thus far only western world leader to visit the regions struck by the tsunami.

for the record.

go here:

check this. it's funny funny funny.

rainy sundae

this girl wrote this:

Until then, meet me in the dark. Meet me in the shadows of my mind. Meet me in the storms of chaos that I call my own. Meet me in the middle space that lies between my contradictions. Meet me in the dark graveyard of my soul under the light of the big, heavy moon.

i like it.

it makes me think of spinning (spinning like i want to, spinning like i know you can) spinning laughing in the dark, watching tracers shoot off the ends of my fingertips, watching tracers shoot out into the world and return to me pulling to me people like me.

it makes me think of pulling to me people like me and teaching them how to spin, spin in the dark, laughing in the dark, teaching them how to make the tracers fly, teaching them how to feel the tingling fingertips, teaching them how to bring to us people like us.

it makes me think that soon there will be a whole room full a whole world full of people like me - dark in the soul with the light trapped inside - learning how to spin, spin in the dark, laugh in the dark, learning how to let the light shoot out like tracers, a laughing flashing spinning vortex of light calling to us all the others just like us.

it makes me think that if you - you there, sitting there - stand up right now, stand up and spin, spin, spin like i know you can, laugh like i know you can, my tracers will find your tracers and they will weave together and we will be drawn into each other and soon soon soon we won't be alone anymore...

todae's forgotten english word

swillking: drunken. refers to a man who drinks 'til the liquor can be heard swillking about in his stomach.

been there, done that.

cul-chah

hellooo saturdae!

ok it's not really a real saturday cause as soon as i'm done this i'm going to shower and go to work for a few hours. but i still slept in and quite enjoyed it, i must say.

so part of my generalized 'looking after myself better' resolution is exercising my brain, cause i gotta say that my brain has been getting off kind of easy the last little while. in fact, i had begun to believe that it was reclining in a deck chair sipping a martini with a pink umbrella (a martini! with an umbrella! see what i mean?!) wearing a flowered bathrobe (open to reveal a bright pink bikini and a bit of winter belly paunch) and reading some variety of harlequin romance that has more spanking and less teeth-rotting
obsequiousness.

so this week i had plans with young maktaaq to go see a lecture about interacting with strangers in urban spaces. (oh my god! how well my plans weave together!) but it was cancelled. so the next night i went for drinks to a faux irish pub (i say faux cause there were signs about 'newfie parking' everywhere. never saw one of those in ireland) and there was a session going on so we listened to some celtic style music. annndddd last night i went for dinner and to see the black rider with my buddy toad (he of the recent sushi dinner) at the waterfront theatre on granville island. very strange, but very cool - it was one of those things where i was worried, at times, that i was going to hate it because independently the elements of the show were so overpowering that they were almost too much. however, once woven together ina tapestry of colour and sound and words, they made lovely sense and had quite an impact.

so i did ok this week despite cancelled plans. well, postponed, so maybe we can go this tuesday. HOWEVER, there is more to 'looking after myself better' than just my brain. my body also needs some work. my mama wants to join a sun run training group and has asked me to go with - this group meets on tuesday evenings, so i may be booked up with that experience. such choices!
-------------------------------------------------------------

in other news... long-time readers may recall that round about jan 14 of LAST year, i wrote about a fellow name rori, who i was sort of smitten with and who i had a 'bad' ending with. well, since the first, i have been sort of thinking about calling him, cause i'm trying to put better energy into my past and into my relationships and things. however, i deleted his phone number from my phone, and his contact info from my computer, so don't have any of that stuff anymore. so i'm sitting at my desk thinking about it and 'pop!' - up comes an email from him, basically saying the same stuff i'd been thinking about. crazy stuff, huh? so we are supposed to go for a coffee or something maybe this week and have a chat. should be interesting....

k i'm off to work. have a good sunny snowy saturdae!

go here! do it!

me & jeremy story

ok i talk lots of crap about my crazy exboyfriend (like just there - i call him my crazy exboyfriend for gosh sakes) but there was good stuff, too, and for some reason i feel like talking about it tonight. so i'm going to.

jer & i started hanging out in fall 1999. it was the end of the world as we knew it. no, seriously it was. all i wanted to do for new years was be outside surrounded by a huge swarm of people when the ball dropped, or the earth split open, or the computers crashed, or the cars crashed, or whatever. so i came to van to stay with my folks before christmas, and he came down after (it's all messed up 'cause he's just breaking up with someone and starting up with me and i've just ended something with someone and have almost killed myself teaching and marking and finishing three classes of my own and doing computer work so even then it was starting to suck even as it was just beginning i should have known from the start but anyway).

so new year's eve we drove my little fox machine downtown and met up with his brother and his buddy and went for dinner and drinks at cactus club so the boys (ok and me too a little) could look at the hot chix, then we headed downtown to robson to see what the heck was going on in the world. we had a backpack full of champagne and it was pouring rain and we stood up on top of the big planter things at the art gallery and all you could see all the way up and down robson street was people. the news vans were there, and the police were there, and you could tell they were primed for a riot, but everyone was polite and just there to celebrate and as soon as midnite burst over the crowd in a shower of raindrops and champagne and cheering and kisses, the crowd dispersed and went on their merry ways.

the shiny happy jeremy memory is that i was cold, so cold cause the rain was *pouring* down and i was so soaked and i had just lost tonnes of weight so my body temperature regulator was all fucked up, and he wrapped his arms around me and gave me sips of champagne out of the bottle and kissed the raindrops off my eyelashes and the end of my nose. then, when it was all over, he grabbed my hand and led me through the crowd and to the bus, and pushed his way to the front of the line cause i was cold dammit so everyone else could just fuck off! then we went back to where we were staying and took steaming hot showers and gotP changed and went dancing till 8am.

and the world didn't crash and the sky didn't fall and the heavens didn't collapse, but the world as i knew it still ended and nothing has ever been the same since. and some days i remember how i felt when he lifted me down off that planter thing at the art gallery and led me through the crowd and i miss him so much it hurts.

words

holding steady almost killed me
put my thumb on the pulse of progress and held it..
down.

my stubborn insistence on staying the course trapped me in
my own interpretation of reality:
blind men see more clearly than i the relationship between falling, falling
and forgetting to come up for air.

the trick is crying
cry myself into a drought then crack the surface so that
torrents of words come rushing, rushing
from beneath the vestige of calm and indifference.

holding steady almost killed me
release my hold and watch me pulse, pulse
to the beat.

snowed in

ok not really - the wind is winding, the snow is falling and i'm sitting with a computer in my lap watching, of all things, gwyneth paltrow as 'emma'.

i think that i regret not getting into acting simply because i shall never have the opportunity to be in a grand period piece - the costumes, the settings, the loveliness. oh and the dancing - the choreographed innuendo lost to the indiscretion of modernity. today we either dance in drugged out reveries with only the beat and the lights to embrace us, or we bump and grind in faux intercourse to the pounding vibe.

people talk about the frigidity (or i guess repressed sexuality) of the victorian age, but there's something to be said for human interaction in which every dance, every glance held so much more meaning than "how YOU doin'?". i mean, this is a culture in which you could send a romantic note with a posey. the subtlety is something that would be... refreshing.

ah who am i kidding. i'm such a flirt - i'm all about the sex, the heat, that moment when you connect with someone and you get that flip in the pit of your stomach. mind you, i got no follow through - i just don't land the deal. i can see my future and there are 7 cats in my lap competing for attention with an aged laptop and a cup of herbal tea. mmm herbal tea.

of *course* i am

thanks swizz!

almost exactly a year later.... another snow day

though wow what a difference a year makes, huh?

apparently there are people who work for my company who won't be there on monday. this should be interesting, as half of the office stayed home out of the weather. how will they know? will they be phoned at home? will they come in and find their passwords changed and their pass-keys deactivated? would you rather be told now, the first week in january, or would you rather have found out before christmas?

i've just been given a new job and a new seat. when my managers pulled me into a closed door meeting on wednesday to talk about my 'role' in the department i asked them to cut to the chase: "does this conversation end with a terse hand gesture and the trump-meister's signature phrase?"

the answer then was an emphatic NO so i'm hoping things haven't changed in the last two days, cause if it has i'm gonna be pissed about having to pack my stuff up twice. though honestly, i was half hoping to get laid off... would get me out of a place where i have to see mr. m everyday without making any real effort. i had come to terms with my possible layoff during the christmas break, so was prepared. so whatever, i guess. not what the fates had in store for me this month, anyway.

speaking of mr. m, today he told me today that he only talks to me to 'be nice'. i replied that if that's the only reason, i'd rather he didn't. if he wants to be my friend 'cause he genuinely enjoys my company, well then fine. however, i would rather go home to my empty house and talk to myself every night than have pity friends. oh wait, that's kind of what i do now anyway. shouldn't be a stretch then, huh?

ok well i am technically supposed to be working, and i do have these two massive tasks to complete in the next little while. so maybe i'll write more.

picture this, though: the view from my window is of big fat fluffy flakes careening out of the sky in every which direction, and of green bamboo shoots laden down with heavy snow. very pretty, and a lovely place to work for an afternoon.

i am a fire sign...

(on thinking about my new job and work in general)

Kano

Fire often symbolizes intense emotions and passion. However, you are reminded that passion, like everything else, has two sides. Excessive passion could lead to destructive obsession, but on its positive side it can lead to creativity. A clarity of intent in your attitude is required in order to avoid falling into its negative side.

In the area of relationships, Kano announces a mutual opening. The torch of understanding is lit again for both, and the creative power of such fire could lead to great breakthroughs.

more quotes from 'the sweetest thing'

oh i totally forgot how much i like this movie:

"high five on the clean poonani!"

"don't be gay in god's house. come on, give me a slap."

not lem's questions

cause she's oh-so-cute and i'm trying to get into her pants...

Q: what experience prior to your 16th birthday had the biggest impact on you becoming the person you are today?
A: probably meeting the kiddo's dad. most of the bad relationship patterns i have were born during the time we dated. well and if i hadn't met him there wouldn't *be* a kiddo, of course.

Q: what advice do you think your 90 year old self would give your current self?
A: stop wasting time! get out there and do stuff. quit ignoring your problems and hoping they'll just go away. they never do and keep coming back to haunt my wrinkled ass.

Q: if you could un-do one allergy which one would it be?
A: eggs. oh how i miss eating eggs.

Q: what's the raspberry theme song?
A: baum-chicka! actually i'm not sure. what song's do *you* hear when i walk in the room?

we have a winnah!

from the swizzalish:

Q: Fav movie line?
A: 1) "Hey, I know everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. Kick back and relax, and ponder this: Where are all the good men dead- in the heart or in the head?" - Grosse Point Blank
2) "Have we got time for a movie montage?" - The Sweetest Thing
3) "Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole." - Garden State.
(there are way more... i can never remember stuff like this on the spot though, lol)

Q: Oddest thing you've seen this past year.
A: A three legged dog and a four legged dog, leashed together, walking down the street without a person.

Q: Something that makes you go "Wheee!!!"
A: going dancing; riding on the back of a motorcycle going really fast; kissing

Q: Something that makes you go "Ick!"
A: Soggy bread; canned peaches

Q: Someone you hope to smooch in 2005.
A: Cute snowboarder guy from Whistler

Q: Two kinds of booze you should ne*ve*r mix...from personal experience.
A: gin and baileys; jaegermeister and champagne; heck gin and *any*thing...

Q: New cocktail you wanna try this month.
A: Raspberry stoli and san pellegrino limonata

fun! thanks swizzie!

no takers

ok so the 10000th person didn't want to ask any questions. anyone who wants can ask. just the first person though, please. or the second. how about the person with the most interesting questions gets them answered? or i'll just randomly choose interesting questions from anyone who cares to ask one. whatev.

fuckity fuck

that'll get me blacklisted on blog explosion for sure.

ok - when i am unhealthy, the first absosmurfley worst place you can see it is my skin. i get this nasty rash on my face that looks like acne but isn't cause it's not zits goddammit it's fucking itchy and makes me want to cry. i'm good about not scratching during the day i am i am but at night i can't help it and it itches and gets red and nasty and i've tried the mittens and i just take them off wah.

so my skin looks like shit and i had to be nice to mr. m all day and it sucked. welcome 2005. nice to see you. wake me the fuck up when it's summer please.

self awareness growing by leaps and bounds

I am...

• 43% raver
  
• 67%emo
  
• 62% goth
  
• 24% white trash (thank christ)
  
• 41% metal head
  
• 64% grunge rocker
  
• 61% tortured artist
  
• 38% hippie
  
• 67% evil genius
  
• 75% punk (that's quite obvious, when you see me lol)
  and...
  
• 60% internet addict.
  

well now, that certainly cleared things up, didn't it?

song lyrics

(let go by frou frou)

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

10,000!

ok at about 10.16 this morning someone visited us here at the sundae sanatarium. if this is you.... congratulations! you are the ten thousandth blogger to hit this site. so... in honour of this, and in the style of mr. newly i offer you the opportunity to ask me 5 questions, and i shall do my best to answer them.

of course, if that was just a random visitor, i'll pick the next person, ok?

thanks for stopping by!

oops

i missed my blog's birthday!

happy belated, little bloggity blog blog. only the eggnog elf and slutty mutty participated in my contest. which is to say, they came up with the idea, question, and answer. and even managed to stump me. so i guess they win!

we have a date, you two crazy kids xoxoxo

upon consulting the runes on the prospects for 2005

Wunjo
Joy / Light
Comfort
________________________________________________________________________

This Rune announces a state of security and relaxation, a sense of well-being. Light is finally peeking through the clouds, fruits hang heavy on the branches, and bad times are finally staying behind.

You may see yourself surrounded by joy, pleasure and comfort both at home and outside. There is clarity and a new energy that will allow you to understand, to balance, to renew yourself and your personal relations.

Necessary changes have already been carried out, and now you may rejoice and receive Wunjo's blessings freely.


________________________________________________________________________

a favourable omen?

so for christmas this year i received a ring from my sister. it's beautiful - exactly the sort of thing i love: chunky and feminine all at the same time. it's probably my favourite gift of this year, and for sure my favourite of all the gifts my sister has ever given me.

however, it's just a touch too big. not a huge amount - just enough so that it slips and slides around on my middle finger. on friday night when we were out, i switched it to the bigger finger cause i was a little afraid of losing it. unfortunately, my hands were FREEZING, so my fingers were even smaller than normal. amidst the hustle and bustle, it slid off my finger... somewhere. i was so sad - just heartbroken. i had half the bar searching for it, but, of course, everyone is drunk, and there's silver streamers all over the floor. we went back last night and i looked around some more, but no luck. i was pretty convinced i'd never see it again.

but guess what? about an hour ago, i received a phone call from one of the cleaners - they had picked up the ring and turned it in. so mike b is going to pick it up for me when he goes back to whistler on tuesday. i was so happy i cried a little. it's good to know that there are people who are pretty honest out there.

sunny sleepy sundae

ok so i've made it home to my messy room, and am contemplating how i am going to start my year. when i started this blog a year ago, i resolved to try and write in it every day, and i've done ok with that - nope i don't write EVERY day, but i do write often enough that it gets the point across. writing is pretty therapeutic for me (well for most people i guess) and i do have a way easier time of expressing myself in writing than i do in words.

halfway through our new years festivities i checked my email to find a note from mr. m. he was basically saying he was sorry for making my 2004 so crappy, or at least for playing a big part in that. it sort of threw me for a loop - what do i do with shit like that? how do you deal with the things that just sort of come out of left field? (well, i drank myself into oblivion, but that's beside the point. someone remind me why i thought drinking a bottle of vodka after living on painkillers and muscle relaxants for two days was a good idea?) this has been a really hard year. i think i need to make some changes in the way i interact with my world in order to ensure that 2005 is better, but how? how do you force yourself to actively participate in your world - to engage with your surroundings and the people you meet?

maybe i've already started. i'm taking myself out of my shell - i'm getting out and meeting people and interacting. and, yes, sometimes it means flirting with boys in bars based soley on the fact that they are cute. but the deeper element to that is that i'm really shy, and i find it really hard to meet people. of course i realize that kissing boys in a bar is not the way to find happiness. but it does, however, take me out of my comfort zone, which is sitting on the sidelines nursing a drink and watching the world go by without participating in it.

things kind of come to me - i have my job 'cause i did a temporary contract with this company. within a year i was a project manager. the most recent relationship i had was with someone i worked with - i didn't have to do anything for it, it just kind of started. i need to find a way to force myself to go after things.

so maybe that's my new year's resolution, and i guess the challenge i made earlier is just a small part of it. i resolve to engage with the world in 2005 - to go out and meet people; to talk to strangers (sometimes just 'cause they're cute); to pursue the things i'd like to have. maybe that's the one change that i need to make to ensure that this year is better than the last.

who has a dream book?

ok so the other night i dreamt that i moved to wells. (i can just see the kiddo's face if i told him we were moving to wells - population well under 800. maybe even under 500).

anyhoo... i dreamed we moved to wells, and i needed to drive to quesnel to buy groceries (which, by the way, is a SORRY state of affairs lol). now the road between wells and quesnel is a mountain road, and is notoriously poor in the winter. mike b was FURIOUS with me for attempting the drive, but somehow i had come into a very swishy range rover - fully kitted out for bad conditions and was determined to make the trip. all along the road there were cars and trucks in the ditch. i remember sniffing derisively as i passed a nissan xterra tits up in a snowbank, thinking something along the lines of "next time buy a REAL SUV."

some of the grades on the highway were close to 90degrees - seriously straight up and down, and completely covered in ice. i could feel the truck basically sliding down the hills, and i was basically controlling where it slid.

but i made it to quesnel and was doing my shopping - trailed closely by mike b (who was miraculously transported there for seemingly precisely this purpose) who was YELLING at me for taking such risks. when someone stopped me to ask me the road conditions, and i started to describe them, he actually walked away so he didn't have to listen.

so what's THAT one mean?

hm - pls excuse. pity party to commence. i'm sick - i'm allowed.

editor's note - post removed due to excessive pissyness

i miss

the vitriolic humour of academia.

read this.

thoughts on watching 'garden state'

it's hard to watch a movie that makes you want to cry when you are sitting beside your little brother who, as far as you know, has never seen you emote beyond general happiness and random moments of anger (random - a word that is used a great deal in this movie. more on that later)

some of my most intense feelings of anger (you know, as an aside, it's really hard for me to be angry. i get sad, and i accept. i repress. i don't usually get angry. during my ill-fated excursion into self exploration and mental heeling (sorry for the sarcasm, there), glen the therapist kept asking me "but don't you feel angry? and my answer was inevitably... no) have occured surrounding the betrayal i feel after mr. m slowly but surely talked me into letting down my barriers. he refused to let me keep my walls up and made me talk to him, made me be in touch with my feelings where he was concerned. then, he left me with all of these feelings and emotions that i had no way of dealing with. i was furious with him for making me open myself up - i had these great walls, these great protections, these great totems. he made me let them go. now i don't have them anymore and i'm open up to all of this....... stuff.

the main character of garden state has been on lithium for as long as he can remember. his mom dies and he decides to take himself off because he can't remember the last time he FELT anything. the film takes place over these four days when he returns to his home town, watches his friends seek out the oblivion he's trying so hard to escape, and falls in love with this girl. she says to him in words much more eloquently than this: "it's life... sometimes it hurts, but it's all we've got".

i can't decide if i want this or not. i'm torn between wanting the oblivion i had - not feeling anything is better than feeling so much pain - and craving the happiness that i had just started to remember.

more than anything i'm tired of fucking wasting time. i feel like i'm one of those wind up toys that just keeps bumping against the walls.. bumping bumping over and over again until my mechanism winds down and i collapse exhausted.

it's some kind of fucked up marxist alienation - i'm just part of the machine of economy. i sleepwalk through my days going through the motions of emotion. i work and eat and sleep and fuck and work and eat and sleep and fuck and go to the movies and smile my mechanical smile until the wheels slowly grind to a stop and then i'm dead.

i'm tired of fucking wasting time. i want to create something. i want to be part of something bigger than i am. i want to feel joy again. i want to spread my arms and tilt back my head and spin and spin and spin till i fall down laughing with joy and the rain fills my mouth and then i'm crying and i can't tell the difference between laughing and crying anymore cause really they're the same thing. it's the same thing.

planning ahead

so this evening i took newly around about the town and showed him some of vancouver's drinking establishments. since i was driving, i settled with only a cocktail or two, sticking mostly with soda water and coffee. yes one of the coffee's had bailey's in it. sue me.

i found myself somewhat in awe of his ability to consume martinis, and began thinking to myself that the new year's festivities could get messy quickly, as i will be attempting (for a short time anyway) to keep up. so as a forewarning, chances are i'll be unconcious by 11pm. just so you know.

anyhoo, while we were enjoying raspberry mojitos (i WILL make everyone i know drink this. it's my goal for 2005, along with talking to strangers. come to think of it, the more mojitos i drink, the more strangers i talk to. the more strangers i talk to, the more people i know and will require to drink mojitos with me - it's a vicious cycle and i'm lovin' it!) i noticed in a copy of terminal city a fill-in-the-blanks apology, and thought to myself "self, that looks like a handy thing to have, what with new year around the corner...". so here it is:

Dear Mr. / Mrs. ___________

I am writing to apologize for my ________ behaviour the other night, and i hope that despite everything, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I should have known there would be a problem when your ______ first brought out the ________ of _______ that was so big it needed a handle. I was nervous about meeting you for the first time, and although i can usually hold my ________, i thought that having a few ________ would help me to _________. I was obviously very very wrong.

I honestly don't remember much between _______ with your visiting relatives and _______, but i'm told that i made quite a scene. If past experience is anything to go by, I'm guessing I whipped out my ______ and said "______" a lot. I hope i didnt' try to sit on your husband's / wife's _________ or make out with your ______, but at this point, nothing would surprise me. In my mind, I was just trying to be _______. All i know is that i woke up bathed in _________, with a blinding hangover, next to your ________ in the _________ in your driveway. I'm guessing you probably saw the big pile of ______ on the table where we tried to ________, but I'm hoping you didn't walk in while we were ________. We disposed of the _______ in the ________, so hopefully you didn't stumble across that, but i'm sure the lingering _____ smell was unmistakable. I have a vague recollection of the _______ arriving, so I guess the person the neighbours heard at 4am shouting "________" was me. Oops. Sorry again.

I'd be happy to pay for the _________ I broke (I only threw my ________ out of it because i thought it was open) and replace the tub of ________ and the plastic ________ that went missing, and if you have any trouble getting the _______ stains and the ________ marks out of the furniture, please send me the cleaning bills.

Please accept my sincerest apologies and this _______ that I made.

For what it's worth, all the best of the holiday season, and once again, my deepest regrets for being such a _______, ________, ________. I don't usually show people that side of myself until the second or third meeting.

Remorsefully,


__________


PS - if a pair of black mesh _________ you don't recognize turn up somewhere, they're probably mine. Since you probably never want to see me again, you may as well just keep them.

the monday

this girl recently talked about the good friends you make whom you will never actually meet, and how much she has come to rely on them. back when i first started this journal, i kicked around the idea of communities which develop on the 'net, and how much computers have changed the way we interact with each other. i have made some of my best friends via computer conversations - i never would have met mike b if it hadn't been for the computer. if i hadn't met mike b, i never would have met lemon and lime. i started to talk with newly single because i loved the honesty and humour with which he writes. today, i'm picking him up at the airport as he heads off on his whistler ski adventure.

people say that computers have participated in the isolation of 'modern humanity' - that they contribute to the alienation we feel in society. is that a truth? or is it that our ways of communicating and interacting have evolved along with our technology? when writing letters was the only way of communing with one another, that's what we did. then we had the telephone, now the internet, and email, and text messaging, and instant messenger. maybe it's a double edged sword: the rise in digitized communication HAS made it harder to meet people face-to-face. we are more suspicious of people who are genuinly friendly strangers - which, by the way, is a very sad thing. (i remember remarking to mike b about the friendliness of a woman standing in line in front of us when we were christmas shopping, and how it is so rare here in vancouver for people to talk to the strangers they are in line with. mike and i are both from a smaller community where random line up conversations are the norm, not the exception).

so maybe this is my challenge to you for the new year: reach out in person the way you reach out on line. sure it will probably take you beyond your realm of comfort, especially in a big city. yes, chances are your good intentions will be rudely rebuffed at least once. however, for every poor reception i wager there are two people who's day you will make, simply by chatting to them as you stand in line at the movies (i recently spent a wonderful 10 min in the snack line up cracking myself and the people in line with me up - sure made the time more enjoyable), or commenting on a novel or magazine you notice someone reading in a cafe, or whatever. come on, i dare you.

i wish you a merry christmas

may all your winter festival of lights and christmas dreams come true, whatever they may be.

i love you guys. you know who you are. i couldn't get through a day without you.

to my favourite victoria kids - i wish you sunny days and walks with the dog; early morning lattes and long afternoons at fenway; and martinis and kisses under the mirrorball.

to sweet maktaaq - i wish you dark eyed goth boys; a bottomless booksale at the library; and purses always, always on sale.

to swizzalish - i wish you hot house music; an endless supply of mandarin vodka with cranberry cocktail; and the perfect boots for dancing.

to mr. newly - i wish you sparkly pink moments with fb; automatic upgrades to first class; and beer and curry evenings surrounded by your mates.

to everyone else i may have missed - i wish you an antidote to writer's block; happiness in your lives; and drama enough to make them interesting.

and to lovely lovely mike b - i wish you everything you've ever hoped for, everything you've ever dreamed of, everything you could ever imagine wanting (cause you deserve it).

happy christmas to all, and to all a good night.

oo ooo ooo!

gift alert! and it came in the MAIL even! a sparkly pink belt from some lovely lovely folk! thanks so much!!!!

the day before the day before!

so i have two midweek days off, then a half day of work tomorrow, then a week and a half off for christmas. how excited am i?

yesterday i went out with the kiddo and my brother to do a bit of last minute shopping. my dad (in all fairness he's gotten much better in the last few years) generally enlists either my sister or myself and sends us out into the world armed with a credit card to find something for my mom. he did, actually find one gift for her already, but sent me off yesterday to get her a sweater or something and some of the beauty products she uses.

so off the three of us headed into the sunny (god-damn-it! where's the snow!) december morning to brave the mall. yes, i know it was only 11 when we arrived. yes, i know it was a tuesday morning. but, my hand to god, we were parked and in 'n' out of the mall in under 45 minutes - and that was WITH a quick stop for purely interest's sake! how often does THAT happen this time of year?!

so i came home and finished my wrapping, read through my secret santa cookbook, and watched Patrick Stewart in Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol'. i think this is my favourite adaptation of the story (well except for the muppets, of course). something i learned this week: a christmas carol was written as part of the movement to repopularize the celebration of christmas among the middle class and city dwellers in england. it had been banned as 'too pagan' by the puritans, and was celebrated only sporadically and mostly by 'country' folk. christmas was just another working day. the character of scrooge was created as representation of the middleclass business owners who had lost touch with their pasts - a warning, if you will. cool, huh?

four days!

so the countdown to the "big" day has begun. let the presenting begin!

i actually have 1.5 more gifts to purchase - my dad and the kiddo's dad/partner. my dad is quite literally the WORST person to shop for. he just buys himself whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. and lately, well since her buying power has doubled, my sister has been coming up with these great gifts which are almost impossible to compete with. for example: his birthday this year was a sailing lesson on a tall ship. (this is me making a blank 'i have no idea' face)

i participated in the amateur gourmet's secret santa cookbook exchange this year. to my delight and wonder, when i got home from work the other day there was a cookbook waiting for me. i'm so excited to try cooking from it - i think there might even be something in this one that my family will enjoy, wonder of wonders... i sent mine off as well - i selected a healthy fusion style cookbook (the name of which escapes me at the moment) with lots of beautiful photos. i hope whomever the recipient is enjoys it.

i've got one day of work, then two days off, then work for half a day, then i'm off for almost two weeks of paid vacation. how fun is that?! the kiddo is going up to visit his dad for a week, mr newly single is coming to the west coast, and the divine ms. u and i are heading to whistler for new year.

plus, my blog is almost 1 year old. what should i do to celebrate? offer a 'date with raspberry sundae' contest? if you win, you get to take me out to dinner and i promise to be cute and companionable? sounds like a good idea to me... what should the contest involve?

ohhh miguel....

(you have to reckon back to the james bond films... the female love interest always, at least once, breathes out "ohhh james..." as she succumbs to his charms...)

miguel migs is so much fun. and so darned hot, i could barely take my eyes off him. wow.. and i got to meet the lovely swizzalicious, in her great little black dress - how cute is she?

i'm running on 3 hours of sleep here, kids, so please excuse if i am a little less than coherent. (going to bed at 6.30 wouldn't be bad if i could SLEEP till noon. but OH NO, i have to wake up at NINE). i've been lying on the couch watching bad movies and looking at the sunshine, thinking i should be out there but unable to bring myself to actually move, you know? just one of those days...

so last night started with a work cocktail party which was more fun than i expected it to be.. it was pretty low key, and the upper managers didn't come, so people were laid back and having a good time. i was looking around though (and this is something that i considered at length later in the evening) and thinking about the difference between colleagues and friends. you can be friendly with your colleagues, but that doesn't mean they are your friends, you know? and last night i was sitting there with my fellow project manager and realizing that we were friendly colleagues, but not friends. now i had at one time thought we might become friends, but i think we are essentially pretty different. she's super nice - and even last night i could tell that she was reaching out, but it just isn't there for me, you know? maybe it's cause deep down inside i'm not sure i can trust her - i know that she's pretty career focused and will definately fight to protect hers, even if it means selling me out, you know? maybe that's unfair.

after a couple of hours, i headed off into the fog to hook up with the divine ms u and start our evening of fun. after a quick cocktail we booted downtown to get the festivitiEs underway.. we did a little kissing and a lot of talking last night.. shared some secrets.. i broke down and told her about mr. m - she had suspected for a long time, and i'm pretty sure she can be trusted. we know lots about each other that no one else (at least at work) does. so she may be reading this sometime today.. i've given her the link, which i had been hesitant to do, just cause lots of the stuff i've talked about i would never want work people to have access to.

there's so much of me that i don't want lots of people to have access to - this journal is a place where i sort of air my thoughts and get things out of my head, but i do still keep things inside a lot. but my friends who read this definatly get to know stuff about me that i would never volunteer in a face to face conversation. it's a place of vulnerability for me - i have a lot of trouble letting people 'in', naturally. so giving away my thoughts and ideas and writing can be very hard. meh, i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm always very introspective the day aftEr. and a little sad, too. but that's ok...

words

i have lost faith in my ability to navigate the ether
past lives cling to me - fingers grasping through graveyard soil
i shake shake try to shake them off but
the more i twirl my skirts the faster the world spins round.
tiptoed i stand on the pinpoint of learning from my experience versus
facing the world with my ass forward and
my eyes back
shadowed by the weight of eternity i
squint into my history seeking answers that
i thought i once had.

i was a very good girl

well, if you discount the bottle of champagne i drank before we arrived. and the present that i stealth-mission liberated (it wanted to be mine! it did!) from the welcome table. and the fact that i stole all the raspberries off the leftover dessert (i couldn't help it! the voices told me too!). i did, however, look pretty, have polite yet amusing anecdotes for the president of mike b's company, turn down the threesome offer, kept my breasts encased in my dress, and didn't make out with anyone. best behaviour, i tell you. best behaviour.

christmas party day (2)!

oo today is the lovely lovely mikeb's christmas party, so i shall be donning my little black frock and fishnets and spending the evening in his company (courtesy of his company hee hee) at one of the upscale lotusland hotels. we have a room booked, so have pre- and post- party fun planned.

i've promised him that i'll behave, and have been told that i'm not allowed to make out with any of his coworkers. fair enough - i shall adopt an aura of mystery, sip champagne and be the 'perfect date' (a la one of those fun retro dating books from the '50s or '60s).

first, though, i'm off for brunch with sweet maktaaq. we've some catching up to do before she heads down south for christmas. not to mention the fact that it is lovely and sunny and breezy out today.... how fun!

audio-erotic

does anyone else get turned on by music? i know that one of the heady things about rave/e culture is that the drug makes you hyper sensitive and you can FEEL the music running through your body, which is super fucking hot. but does anyone else get turned on by a song playing on the radio when they are driving home, or when they are cooking, or when they are plugged into their headphones at work?

i'm a super sexual person - i'm very sensual and i find many "everyday" things quite erotic, but this evening i was doing some christmas baking and listening to the cfox when van halen's 'panama' came on. and it occurred to me that i think that this song (and i'm vaguely ashamed to admit it) fully aroused me when i was 12 years old - specifically the section in the middle when the music slows and you can hear the car engine revving and diamond dave growls "yeah, we're runnin a bit hot tonight. i can barely see the road from the heat comin' off it. ahh you reach down, between my legs.. ease the seat back..." i remember lying in bed in the dark playing that song over and over on my stereo; closing my eyes and letting dave's voice slip like tendrils of smoke into my imagination. wow.

these days it's the heavier stuff - deftones 'passenger' comes to mind immediately (roll the windows down/ this cool night air is curious/ let the whole world look in/ who cares who sees what tonight/ roll these misty windows down/ to catch my breath again/ and then go and go and go just drive me/ home then back again/ here I lay just like always /don't let me/ go /take me to the edge) and lots and lots of hard electronic music (not hard house but the dark hard progressive stuff... you know what i mean). i love hard driving beats. i love the way ideas come out in words, and the way my mind runs with them and takes my body with it.

(tangent - both songs that i mentioned by name have to do with cars, too. interesting)

the rock star experience is highly sexualized. but is it because of the music or because of the fame? perhaps because of the 'bad boy' or 'bad girl' stereotype? ken from ken and ariel talked about going to see juliette lewis play live and sort of came to the same conclusions - rock and roll is sexy dirty. rock and roll stars are sexy dirty. but is it the music or the rolling around in a crowd jacked up on endorphins and pheremones drenched in someone elses' sweat (oh sound familiar?). clubs and bars are notorious pick up joints, but is it the music or is it the pulsing lights and the pulsing beats and the pulsing bodies rubbing up against one another?

or is it all of the above? can you separate the music from the experience from your imagination from your body from your hormones from your memories and associations?

i'd be really interested to know what songs, if any, turn other people on. or what other normal, "every day" experiences or stimuli, for that matter...

hello bronte!

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

weather pixie

so i was perusing lemon's comments and came across a link to this lady. lo and behold, at the bottom of her page, was a little weather pixie. now something that you probably don't know about me is that i used to be addicted to the weather network. i used to have to watch it sort of incessantly. knowing the up to the minute local forecast was a bit of an obsession. (i had this problem with the real estate listing channel, as well. don't ask me why - i just found it sort of soothing). anyhoo... imagine my delight! a weather pixie! now i can just click on my journal and see this saucy little fashionista sporting weather appropriate styles. fun!

on a completely different note.. this evening i did something i have never done before. i was sitting down to a lovely meal of thai red curry with prawns (kiddo) and tofu (both of us) when my mobile rang. it was mr. m. i screened him. felt pretty good, too.

sick sundae

blergh i'm home sick today... i have the worst muscle aches in the world. sort of feel like i was stuck in a washer on the spin cycle for a couple of hours, or like oscar de la hoya used me for drills or something. so i'm home. i've got like 10 sick days left for the year - may as well use one or two, i figure.

the kiddo is *working* today. how cool is that? the guy who does the landscaping round our place is the son of some neighbours, and he's talked about getting the kid out and about doing some stuff. i guess today he's got the work for him.

it's really cool cause dave (the landscaper) had a childhood similar to kiddo's - he went through lots of the same stuff, so can really relate. i'm just glad that he won't be sitting 'round the house. plus he really likes doing stuff like this, and is actually very good at it. so..... off he went.

my horoscope today is quite good:

It's a great time to meet and impress new people. You radiate confidence, attracting potential partners like flies to honey. In love and art, you are nearly unstoppable. Use your magic touch to bargain for something you've been wanting or to ask a question you've been avoiding. Even though everyone pays attention to you, don't overextend yourself. You could say anything right now and people would believe you, but it might help if you mean it.

i'm not sure how many new people i will meet while curled up at home in my pj's. well, i will have to make a used bookstore run at some point - maybe then...

ok i'm back to bed.

december 6, 1989

Genevieve Bergeron- Nathalie Croteau - Anne-Marie Edward - Maryse Laganiere - Anne-Marie Lemay - Michele Richard - Annie Turcotte - Helene Colgan - Barbara Daigneault - Maud Haviernick - Maryse LeClair - Sonia Pelletier - Annie St-Arneault - Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz

resistance is futile

last night, in those quiet moments post party and pre sleep.

last night, in the dark.

last night in the warmth and safety of.

i've been trying to write this post all day. i don't know why it's so hard to start.

italo calvino wrote a novel that was comprised entirely of the first chapters of different books. if on a winter's night a traveller. i loved it cause the beginning is always the hardest.

while i was writing my thesis i had two things within view of both of the computers i used to work on. one was the quote that inspired my thesis (the beginning). the other was a foxtrot comic strip (explain to me again the difference between writer's block and a total lack of talent? pipe down. i'm sure after this first word it gets easier).

pipe down, you. i'm sure after this first word it gets easier.

shit.

---

nope not that word.

---

last night after the party, when we were curled up in bed and falling asleep (him) or passing out (me), mikeb gave me a talking. he said it hurts him to see me go after boys who aren't good enough for me. i told him that it's really hard to see someone you love(d?) every day and know that they are not with you, but with someone else. i told him that it seemed like it was better to be with someone who was not quite good enough than to always be alone. i think i cried. that's a lie - i cried. but i was drunk cause i don't do stuff like that.

today he told me that i needed to be with someone who appreciated the fact that i'm smart and independent and sexy. theoretically, grand plan. practically, boys like that don't like me.

hello rock. this is your hard place. i'll just stay here between you until my 24 cats feast on my undiscovered corpse.

why is this so hard for me to write about? it's not like it is something i've never talked about. today it is just.... hard.

from the 'why am i surprised to learn this' category

did you know that it is prohibited by law to sell sex toys in alabama? boggled, my mind is. boggled.

mmcashmeremmm

You are Cashmere.
You are sophisticated and luxe. You can often be
found in high-end boutiques and hobnobbing with
the upper crust. You are one of the beautiful
people and you don't let anyone forget it!

christmas party day!

so i woke up this morning around 7.00. i, however, *refused* to get out of bed, 'cause it was still dark as pitch out. i think there is something inherently wrong with getting up on the weekends when it's still dark as night. unless you are preparing to skulk home from an indecent exchange of bodily fluids. then it's fine-and-dandy.

i'm receiving a large number of hits from here. i guess that the post i wrote about sweaters is receiving some interest. welcome, fellow sweater lovers.


on that note (which is to say i'm seguing not so neatly into my latest bout of retail therapy) i love the vintage style which is in stores right now. it's not seventies, sixties, eighties... it's more in the twenties and thirties and forties. i LOVE style from these decades - pretty much everything about it. i love the fitted sweaters with bows at the neck. i love the cloche hats. i love the marcasite jewelry. should you ever meet a man who wants to marry me, tell him that i don't want a gaudy oversized diamond, i want a beautiful antique art nouveau ring. i want something that speaks to the timelessness of beauty and grace; something that melds the beauty of vines and flowers into gemstones and metal. lovely lovely.

tonight's my work christmas party. mr m will not be in attendance. he's taking his wife out on a 'date' - i guess to make up for the fact that she's being robbed of her rightful place at the company function by the sheer audacity of my presence. what does the man who's in love with another woman and been fucking around for 7 months buy his wife for christmas this season? enquiring minds want to know... oops, sorry. i'll get off the bitter bus now.

anyhoo... i've got to hit the day. i apologize for the uninspired, vaguely disjointed post. i've got baking products to purchase, antlers to find, and a tan to procure before i begin the arduous process of making myself irresistable to certain boys i work with. wish me luck!

what the hecks up with snoop dogg promoting every consumer product in the known universe?

anybody know? seriously dude...

besides that....

i introduced the divine ms. u to the best cocktail in the world - the raspberry mojito at the reef. quite delish. we were re-writing some christmas classics to rather irreverantly include the managerial types at work. probably what could be referred to as a 'career-limiting move'. ah well, as long as people laugh, right?

so true!

You Are From the Sun

Of all your friends, you're the shining star. You're dramatic - loving attention and the spotlight. You're a totally entertainer and the life of the party. Watch out! The Sun can be stubborn, demanding, and flirty. Overall, you're a great leader and great friend. The very best!

What Planet Are You From?

later that lazy sundae

today was one of those magical days where time shifts itself to perfectly match my mood: lazy; langorous; like a cat stretching in the sunshine. i somehow managed to spend some quality mom&daughter time; run an errand or two; change the linens; get my fuzzy winter sheets & blankets out of storage and put my summer things into storage; wrap some christmas gifts; spend an hour and a half or so with the kiddo outside of starbucks in the sunshine, sipping coffee, watching girls go by and pondering friendship and all its nuances; make an apple/raspberry crisp; talk to a friend who has just moved out of the apartment he shared with his girlfriend for a year; and discuss the merits and delights of a web journal with new convert the divine ms. u.

now, as i sit here nursing a full belly and a cup of tea, i'm thinking about putting my jammies on, getting my things ready for tomorrow and climbing into bed to watch cold case and law & order.

all seems to be right with the world.....





(knock wood)

lazy sundae

i miss snow.

every girl needs a boy like mikeb

one who will get up and brunch with you, and commiserate with you, and kick your ass when you do silly things like get hung up on boys who aren't worth it, and spend most of the day watching you try on dresses and giving you an honest opinion so you look cute at your christmas party, and take you to your christmas party, and take you to his christmas party, and generally be... well.... mike b.

loveyoubebe

growing up?

just after christmas last year, i had a falling out with someone with whom i'd been friends for a really long time. like, he was part of my family friends. like, when you put him and my real brother together, it sort of seems like they were separated at birth friends. like, on my first day of university, i saw him drinking a combination of peppermint herbal tea and hot chocolate and was both disturbed and fascinated, so had to meet him friends.

anyhoo, just after christmas we had a falling out. it had been building for a while - i felt like every time i called him he was too busy to hang out. it seemed like when he did call me to spend time, he purposefully asked me to do things that he knows i hate. things like that.

so we had this falling out. it wasn't a disagreement - it never came to that. you see, my habit is to just... close... the door. i ended the friendship. i didn't say anything. i didn't try to talk. i just.. shut it town.

i have a really hard time dealing with my feelings, you see, and a worse time communicating them. i turtle into myself and shut everyone out. i become a hermit and screen my calls and wait for everyone to go away, and eventually they all do. and why wouldn't they? this ultimately proves (in my mind) that i didn't really have any friends to begin with, and i'm better off on my own, and look here i am all alone etc etc etc.

now, this is an aspect of my personality i'm trying to change. i'm trying to talk about my feelings, and not keep myself closed off. i'm trying to let people in, and discuss it when i get hurt, or feel alone. (ok this new philosophy has opened up a whole can of hurt with you-know-who, but we won't go there, ok?) although, i did just blow off captain average without saying anything. oh, and bad-part-of-town guy. but come on, now. baby steps, here. i'm trying.

so anyway... toad(my friend)'s presence was noticably absent from my thanksgiving table last month. i don't think he's missed one in years. and i started thinking about it; about the stupidity of ending a friendship that had lasted for so long without a conversation, without a word. and i started thinking about how i didn't want him to be noticably absent from the game playing appie eating extravaganza that is christmas eve in my house. so.... i sucked it up and called on the weekend. i left a "just wanted to say hi" message. and he called me back last night. we are going for sushi tomorrow.

from the lovely hunny hun hun

Your first name of (raspberry's mild mannered alter ego) has given you energy, drive, and ambition, but also an almost excessively strong-willed and independent nature. While you are creative, inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, and always ready to initiate and promote new undertakings, you often experience difficulty in bringing your undertakings to a successful conclusion because of your own changing interests or changing circumstances. You become intensely involved with everything you plan to do, but the stress arising from frustrating obstacles or misunderstandings with others could prompt you to be intolerant and sarcastic in your expression, with breakdowns in congenial relations with family and friends a possible end result. Any emotional outbursts or moods would register as tension in your solar plexus, resulting in nervous indigestion and related problems. Tension could also centre in the head affecting the eyes, ears, sinuses, or teeth. True relaxation and peace of mind are elusive under this name.

all this time i've been blaming allergies.. it's all about my *name*!

You Are Gwen Stefani! All guys dream about you And all the girls want to be you "Sappy pathetic little me That was the girl I used to be"

why is there no unky-mood for bronte-esque?

i keep checking my own blog for updates. alas, nothing.

wunjo

my rune this evening says this:

Wunjo
Joy / Light
Comfort

This Rune announces a state of security and relaxation, a sense of well-being. Light is finally peeking through the clouds, fruits hang heavy on the branches, and bad times are finally staying behind.

You may see yourself surrounded by joy, pleasure and comfort both at home and outside. There is clarity and a new energy that will allow you to understand, to balance, to renew yourself and your personal relations.

Necessary changes have already been carried out, and now you may rejoice and receive Wunjo's blessings freely.

i like that. i'm not sure what the changes were, but i have, in the past few weeks, felt like i've crossed over a threshold of some sort or another.

i've also come to the conclusion that the internet dating thing is not for me. i know some people have had a great deal of success with it, but i need the heat and the spark of that first face to face meeting.. of eyes meeting across a room; of seeing someone who's so attractive that you cannot tear your gaze away; of dancing and brushing up against him. i need that. for me, to chat with a man over the computer or telephone before ever seeing him diffuses it, diminishes it. is it that way only for me?

movie night in canada

what with the cbc playing sepia-toned reruns of 1970's era hockey showdowns, what is a hot blooded canadian girl to do on a saturday night? why, pay $15 to support the american media machine of course....

last night mike b and i went to see 'national treasure', the latest nicholas cage vehicle. it's... not bad. definately no 'indiana jones', though it aspires to be. i'd say it's on par with the first 'tomb raider' (yes i liked tomb raider. lara croft is hoooootttt. plus, jon voigt plays the dad in this one too). anyhoo.

i think the highlight of the film for me is when ben (n. cage's character) takes a moment to step out of the plot and read what is, to him, the most important line in the declaration of independence: "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new guards for their future security".

now, since it has very little to do with what is happening in the plot at the moment (i don't believe that having the fbi and the office of homeland security dismiss your conspiracy theories as so much fluffernutter counts as abuse by your government) i can't help but think this was a well timed, deliberate political statement being made by either jerry bruckheimer, john (?) turtletaub, nic cage, or all three.

where it fails for me is that instead of cleverly weaving the political statement into the body of the film, the writers decided instead to hit the audience over the head with it. i read a review of the film which calls the riley character a metaphor for the audience - sort of stunned and needing to have every single thing explained for him outright. i'm not sure i'd be that unkind - it was a fun movie, if nothing else. and maybe the american film-going public is that thick. they did re-elect GW, after all. but i prefer having to interpret the underlying meanings of my texts like hunting for water with a divining rod, or for truths with the runes: not an exact science, and absolutely open for discussion.

new game!

apparently, the deal is called 'blog it forward'. the idea is that i talk about three people, then they go on and talk about three people etc. lemon-love-of-my-life pulled me in (and again, the raspberry and fun? hand in hand) so here are my three picks.

mike b is my wingman, my partner in crime, my non-sexual life mate. we do stuff together - meaningless stuff and meaningful stuff. i cry on his shoulder, i sleep in his bed. mike b gives me faith in men. please be advised that he blogs sporadically at best. it's kind of like finding money in your pocket - doesn't happen very often, but when it does it brings a smile...

mr. newly, though not so newly single... i found his blog one day through blogger's "recently updated" feature, i think, and was hooked pretty much immediately. he's funny, he's sincere, he gets bitter often enough to be interesting. plus i'm living vicariously through his international dating exploits.

swizz i discovered via lemon's site, i think. she lives in the same town as me, and every time i go dancing i peer about looking for this girl. keep in mind that i've never met her, so i'm looking for her the way she exists only in my imagination, but that's pretty fun, isn't it? i suspect we'd have a grand old time if we ever did meet....

so there you go kids - your turn now.

ps - i would have added maktaaq, cause reading her blog regularly is what inspired me to write my own, but i was sad to notice, the other day, that she is hanging up her keyboard. kisses, maktaaq, where-ever you may roam...

coconut bread

i'm eating for comfort. i wish to bury myself in layers of food. bring on the carbs, the fat, the protein. i'm seeking out the foods of someone else's childhood - potato and onion perogies, crisp and golden from the pan. turkey smokeys (organic, with no preservatives, from a local farm), skin popping at the teeth, juices dripping down the chin. shards of crusty loaves doused in hearty vegetable stews. i want foods soothing and spicy. i want foods dark and rich and decadent to the tongue. i want bitter chocolate and coca cola. i want buttery croissants dripping in milk chocolate. i want mexican hot chocolate - sweet and creamy and redolant of cinnamon.

someone feed me. someone set me to the table and bring me course after course. i want to eat till i cannot put another morsel to my lips. i need to be nourished physically - fuck this spiritual asceticism; i revel in gluttony and hedonism. feed me till i'm sated, finally satisfied, finally at peace.

is it friday yet?

how is it that i just had a minibreak and already i need a holiday?

last night i was doodling around with my 'puter and the porn star beeped me. "wanna play?" he asked... silly question. of course raspberry wants to play. raspberry lives to play. so off i went to visit his house by the ocean. i was hoping for an operation rematch, but he decided to play a game which i suck at. naturally, being a guy, he opted to make it a 'strip' version of the game. sure enough, within no time at all, there's miss raspberry naked on his couch while he sat fully clothed giggling on the chair opposite me.

mind you, as i pointed out to him some time later, it was quite a bit easier for me to get him naked than vice versa. took way less time, too. grrrrr.

look at me raspb'y christmas-shopper!

i don't think i've ever, in my entire life, been this far ahead of the consumer game. i have something for both my brother and sister. i bought a lovely sweater for my mama today, and have the kiddo's gifts almost all purchased. i am short prezzies only for my dad (the worst of the lot, truth be told), my sister's boyfriend, mike b, and lemon and lime.

how organized am i?!? nothing like altruistic retail therapy. ok in all honest, i bought myself a black cashmere/angora blend vneck sweater today, too. sue me :-)

anonymous II

so i don't generally allow anonymous commenting. i figure, if you've got something worth saying, you should at least allow people a way to respond to you on a personal level - especially since everything on this blog is 'on a personal level' for me, right?

but i do go in and look at the blocked comments on occasion. today, i noticed two worth responding to, so here they are:

1) I told you not to do it, and you got mad because the message was sent anonymously. You interfered in a marriage, and I think that is wrong. But more importantly at this point, you are being strung along and your feelings are being disrespected and dragged through the mud. DON'T DO IT. Not because of some high moralistic position on someone else's marriage, but because you deserve more and better.

Be *good* and be *true* to yourself; I just don't think the choices you have been making are either right now.

2) It doesn't matter if it was anonymous or not. People only want to hear or read what suits them.

Really, look over all of your previous posts and step out of yourself when you read them. Can you not see what's going on? This is not a movie, not a sit com. This is your life, and you only have one go at it. Plus, what kind of model are you for the young person in your life? Do you think that this is teaching him a positive view of women? Is it teaching him to respect women? To respect their strength and give them his best?

The people who comment and say nothing except sweet supportive bullshit are not your friends. Your friends love and support you, but give you truth. And because you are their friend too, you trust what they say and know that it's in the spirit of love.

Start thinking with your freaking head.

so i'm not going to unblock these two. however, i will respond thusly: you may notice that my friends give me sweetness and support. this is not bullshit - this, too, is truth. as an anonymous party you are privy to only a snapshot of my life. you see only the bits of pieces of information which i choose to write about. you don't see or have access to the parts of my history which make me vulnerable to these sorts of situations. you don't know that i have very little self esteem, and that i get completely caught up in keeping the other people in my life happy, but have very few tools for doing these things for myself. you probably have no idea that you can get me to do pretty much anything in the world you want me to simply by coming to me and telling me you need my help. also, there is a great deal that goes on that i *don't* write about. my friends do know these things, and so when you see sweetness and support it is coming from a knowledge of the larger story. know, too, that they tell me the hard things to my face - which is as it should be.

furthermore, the 'young person' in my life has no idea. i keep my private life very private. as far as he's concerned, we're friends, and nothing more. he's never seen any other side of it, or any inappropriate behaviour. for god's sake - this child has seen me tipsy exactly once. he's spent his life surrounded by beautiful, strong, educated women. respecting them is NOT an issue.

there. i've given you your forum. i'm not interested in only hearing the shiny happy bits. it's just my journal and i get to say who does and doesn't speak here.

i stole this from maktaaq

"If there is someone on your friends list who you would either like to tie down and have your way with, teasing them mercilessly and making them beg for release, or have them tie YOU down, post this exact same sentence in your journal."

back on the bus

symbolic for that cross country matrix
       shift.
point a to point be amid the unwashed
thrift of humanity.

ken kesey took us fuuuurther. i am
       doomed       to       ride
the number 10 round and round the block
unable to shake
myself
from the stasis which is this
rainy winter day.

i no longer wish to be part of your feedback loop.

yet

yet

      you
            continuously
                  rewind
the spools of film to watch the
same
sequence
unfurl
between the
bang! flash! pop! of

heat
and
sex
and
argument.

plot synopsis

ok so i think the best way of summing up this weekend is through the words of the actual participants. please note that these are not actors - these are real people speaking real words.

• "Vive la Beav!"
  
• "What happens in Whistler, stays in Vegas."
  
• "Oh man, my face hurts from laughing!"
  
• "Scruuuuunch!"
  
• "Nono! It's not just a vest, it's an ensemble
  
• "God Bless Whistler!"
  

i am not a consolation prize.

that's all.

working hard or hardly working?

would you believe that three different people have asked me that question today? just because i have the music cranked and am sitting here in my sweats doesn't mean that i ain't tussling with a spreadsheet. that's right. i said tussling. whatcha gonna do about it?

speaking of working hard, this is my horoscope for today:

Although you appear as if you're mulling your options to the rest of the world, events are bending themselves to your wishes. Hope and desire are tangible forces after all. If romance hijacks your life for a little while -- well, whoopee! You deserve this. Turn off the ringer and stop checking your email every five minutes. An uninterrupted night of relaxation should be the only thing on your mind right now.

that's not bad, huh? especially since i have a potential evening with the porn star (he had plans already but was going to see if he could juggle. i like a man who can juggle).

random thought: do you think that tim armstrong's grandkids will understand how monumentally cool he was? or david bowie's? or eminem's? or will they just be a potty old grandparent driven to early senility by years of hard living? odd thing to think about, i guess, but i've been contemplating both of my grandfathers today. when you hear the stories of your grandparents' youth, what do you think? did you have the opportunity to know their stories? or did you, in the arrogance of youth, think that it was not that important, or that you had all the time in the world?

a date with captain average

ok so i didn't go. so what. sue me.

i was up late last night talking to the porn star and to the new one (the porn star being the surfer boy from last weekend - this name seems more fitting considering his.... erm.... fittings, if you know what i'm saying). the new one has a great voice. captain average is nice but, well, average. decisions, decisions....

i told mr. m today that i was going to do everything in my power to ensure that we didn't end up "together" again. basically, i said to come back when he has the papers in hand. if that's never, then it's never - so be it, but this back and forth thing is killing me. sooooo... we can be friends, but seriously, that's it. he cried, i cried. a good time was had by all. this conversation precipitated a phone call in which he told me that he is consumed by thoughts of me; that he has never, ever felt the physical connection that he and i have with another woman; that he has never had the intellectual relationship that he and i share with another woman, including his wife. he told me that he can't stop thinking about the amazing time we have spent together, and that he doesn't know if he will ever get over me. i didn't really need to hear that, since i'm trying to be strong and stick to my resolve.

bleh.

after movie thinkin'

so mikeb and i (along with a friend of his) went to see alfie last night, then for drinks and a bite to eat after. i really liked it - i like jude law (mmmmm jude law) and i loved the way that the costume designer integrated the look and feel of the original film through the clothing and makeup of the characters, particularly the female characters. it was stylish and well put together.

the mood of the group, however, was quiet after the film - mike b found it depressing cause there were no answers - it's just a snapshot of his life and, at the end, he continues on. there's no resolution - it doesn't show you that he ends up in love with a beautiful woman and wonderful friends. and, to an extent, i can really relate to this. i fully embrace the idea that i'm single, and free, and answer to no one. but, at the end of the day, will i be going home alone to my studio apartment and have no one to spend christmas with? i've spent some serious time thinking about this stuff.. i really miss the companionship and connection you get when you are in a relationship. you can have it, to a certain extent, with your closest friends - and there are levels of intimacy that you reach with your friends that you may not reach with your boy/girlfriend - but there's a deeper connection when you add the sexual contact - when you bond yourselves physically as well as emotionally. and i miss having that bond, the easy physical contact. and, let's not kid, i really really like sex. everything about sex - especially when it's of the 'often' and 'good' variety.

where am i going with this post? nowhere i guess. the film jus got me thinking. i like the idea of going home to someone. i like the idea of being out dancing with my girls and struggling home to crawl into bed to someone who's been waiting for me to do just that. bleh. weird - i'm lonely and yet i'm not. i'm feeling disconnected, but last weekend, when i was visiting with lemon and lime, i felt totally at home. i get that sense of belonging with my friends - maybe it's just the sex i miss.

red raspberry

i love new hair. makes me feel so chipper. of course, it also makes me want to find boys to ravage. mmm ravage. good word.

lemon sent me some saucy photos of last weeks party. there are several of me, and i'm delighted to say that neither my boobs nor my tongue are hanging out in any of them. so i can assume that i was drunk, but not *that* drunk, even if i did make out with the surfer boy in the hot tub. mmm surfer boy... mmm ravage...

i called him the other day... should i have done so? lime says that boys are dumb and either they lose phone numbers or they think that we don't really want them to call. so i called. now really i should wait for him to call me, but i'm not very patient. hang on, i'll consult the runes... just a sec, won't be a mo...

Fehu Possessions / Nourishment The Common Wealth
This is the Rune of realization: an ambition satisfied, a love conquered, a reward received. It often signals the presence of abundant nourishment of all kinds, physical as well as spiritual.

Nevertheless, it reminds you that in moments of good fortune we run the risk of getting carried away by success, thus behaving imprudently. Fehu advises you to be aware of this so as to not let it happen.

Enjoy your good fortune and don't forget to share it: the good will of feeding others is a sign of a well-fed being.

what the f**k does that mean? hmph. should i call? should i not call? damn these internet fortune telling devices and their mysterious ways....

he said / she said

recent conversation:

she: "did you tell her that we've been together since the last time you promised never again"
he: "no"
she: "you know you are going to have to tell her. she deserves to know that you aren't keeping your promises, and you don't want her to find out by accident"
he: "i know. it's keeping me up at night. if i tell her i did it again, that's it. i'm out. she won't forgive me. twice was enough - three times is you're out."
she (snaps head around quizzically): "seriously? she won't go through with it"
he: "no, this time i think she will"
she (quiet for a few minutes, watching the river): "and you knew this before we were together again?"
he: "yup."
she: "so why did you do it then? if you knew that she would not take it anymore, that you'd reached the limits of her tolerance?"
he: "i don't know. i just can't resist you. not that way. i'm so attracted to you."
she (bursts out): "that's so not fair! that puts all the onus on me! this isn't my fault!"
he: "i know. i just..." (touches her face) "i really care about you." (leans in for a kiss)

todae's horoscope:

"No matter how hard you try to push them out of your life, some things just won't go away. The thing that you hoped most to forget is back in your face again. You have no other choice at the moment -- you must accept and integrate the person who has reappeared in your life. The current circumstances are quick to remind you that until now, you've had it your way for a long time. It's important for you to remember that reaching a compromise isn't the same thing as giving up."

ARRRRGGGGGGG

hee hee hee

i called the surfer boy. talked for an hour. hee hee.
i'm such a geek. the lime got me the number. i called it. he answered. an 'operation' rematch is in the works. i asked "were you letting me win in an effort to seduce me?" his response: "fuck no! if i could have won i'd have kicked your ass in a heartbeat!" at least he's honest lol.

the apocolypse may very well be nigh

i heard on the radio this morning that anne geddes and celine dion have collaborated on an album. be afraid.

an letter to america (apologies to newly and another drink)

BUCK FUSH


clear enough, kids?