cast afloat

oh my god i've never been so happy to see the end of a weekend. like i was actually happy to leave the house this morning - not because i wanted to go to work, but because i just couldn't stand the thought of what might come next.

apparently i'm allergic to beer. i've been having some odd reactions to it, lately, and on friday night i drank 4 beer at the giants game, ended up staggering and slurring, puked the whole way home, and then every 20 min or so until 1pm the next day when i took gravol and went to sleep. good times.

sunday started out pleasantly enough, with shopping and brunch, but when we got home the kiddo had left dishes on the counter and the architect went off the hook about how the kiddo isn't expected to do anything 'round the house and how it's lazy and how he wasn't brought up that way and how he didn't understand how it was ok with me. this totally took me by surprise - the kiddo will do stuff if you ask him but he doesn't really go out of his way to help out any (he's a 17yr old. did you volunteer to clean at 17? yeah me either). i just really had no idea that it was an issue. the architect deals with stuff by suppressing it until it's too late and everything bubbles over. we argued until after midnight - it was awesome, let me tell you. i still don't know if we are good. we seemed to come to an impasse last night - i had spoken to the kiddo about it but that wasn't enough. there isn't really anything else i can do, save take over all of the cleaning on my own, but that isn't the answer either.

all of my doubts and insecurities have come flooding back. it seems to me that this sort of thing proves that i'm not cut out for happily ever after. i meet a great guy and i can't even keep that going - no matter what i do. i'm happily continuing on thinking that we have a good thing going when out of nowhere i'm blindsided by issues that i had no idea even existed. i don't know why i ever opened myself up like this. i should have stayed where i was - at least i knew where i stood.

ug.

i get by with a little help

ever have the desire to turn your friends' personal quirks into a drinking game? we used to do it with instructors all the time - i had one who discovered electronic music. every time he mentioned the crystal method or kraftwerk (or spoke german, for that matter) we all took a sip of whatever beverage we had in front of us. of course, the class was at 9am so it was usually coffee, but i will confess i did on occasion supplement the coffee with the baileys.

the architect and i want to do it with our little group of friends. for example, chlorina swears. lots. so every time she says fuck, you take a drink. her boyfriend says wow. lots. same deal. the architect has a bit of a stutter. when he stutters, you drink. me, i blush. i blush all the time, for reasons that you'd never expect. when i blush, everyone drinks.

now this game can, of course, be expanded depending on the group of people you are with. i'm excited about trying it out. it's a great way to laugh at yourself, and to break the ice when you are introducing new people to the group - you bring someone in, you let them know what their little quirk is, and everyone watches for it. fun!

anyhoo - give it a shot if you are out between now and saturday. let me know if it works.


--------------------
on the decks - in the mix by tiga & ajax

my life is a stereo

so on saturday night the architect, the sister and i watched an inconvenient truth - an eye-opening film at the very least. it's crazy to think how much damage we've done to our planet in just a few generations, no? there were only three countries that failed to ratify the Kyoto accord (australia, the us, and monaco) but the current canadian administration is hell-bent upon undoing any good that may have been accomplished by the liberal government - all the while blaming said 'previous administration' for every conceivable sin. budget overruns? their fault. government corruption and scandal? oh those dirty liberals. someone left the toilet seat up? damn you paul martin!

the stephen harper press conference in which he apologizes to Maher Arar on behalf of the canadian people is a chorus of 'not me' which puts the sounds coming from a schoolyard playground to shame. i kept looking over my shoulder to see who'd shaved the cat, broken a window or spilled the milk. his recent about-face when it comes to environmental issues (as per the CBC, recent polls indicate that the environment is tres chic in the cause du jour in the minds of most canadians. put a scoop of ice cream on top - voila! global warming solved) is (to my mind) further reason to trust this man about as much as i trust my own instincts when it comes to money, dating, and/or moderation in wine consumption). case in point - the liberal website has published a copy of a letter written by our fearless leader referring to 'the battle of Kyoto' and calling the now defunct ultra right wing canadian alliance party to arms to defend decent hardworking canadians from those shameless job-stealing hippies and crazy masked activists. i really wish there were some kind of idiot-proof iq test which we subjected people to before we allowed them to hold positions of power.

le sigh.

more reading: bush administration doctors reports; fallout from global warming expected to be 1000 years; the cbc on harper's letter

even if we're just dancing in the dark

it must be said that i make fucking awesome lasagna for a white girl of irish descent. that was my big deal of the weekend - spending half of saturday simmering meat sauce and putting together dinner. well that and riding around steveston on FJ (the cruiserbike i got for christmas) with the architect and the sister. the weather underground kept promising a sunny beautiful weekend but we've been socked in by grey for two days - the skies open up for an hour or two of sun each day before the fog descends. downfalls of living on the ocean, i guess. i really do need to see some sunshine, though. i had huge plans of sunnyday bicycle riding which have not particularly come to fruition. le sigh.

i wish i knew where my camera is - i imagine it's hiding in one of the four boxes still resting unpacked here in the bedroom. every day they stare accusingly at me and every day i ignore them completely. it's like not staring at the pink elephant in the room.

i'm updating my blogroll (spo has a new one) and my dancecard today. i'm having one of those days where i want to spend no time at all away from my computer because i feel as though i'm on the cusp of a breakthrough and i can only reach it by writing. sometimes it takes me putting fingertips to keyboard to be able to really work these things out, you know?

i do know that it has to do with me & the architect and the huge fight we had last week about the only thing that's ... off with us. it has to do with sex and i know you'd never expect that from me but lately all i've wanted to do is go to sleep and i'm not sure why. i think it has something to do with the weird labels in my head and how deep down even though i love sex and am proud of how sexy i am, in my head fucking the way i want to be fucked is dirty and isn't the way that good girls act. and here i am, now, being a good girl - faithful and happy and content and and and. who is this puritan in my head? who put these words these doubts in my soul and why doesn't she just want me to be happy? somebody tell the voices to
just
shut
up

patiently erasing and recording the wrong episodes

ok i know that those are probably not the real lyrics to the new modest mouse song, but dammit i heart that song and that's the way i hear them so screw y'all.

listening to modest mouse in the morning puts a smile on my face.

question - if you were paris hilton would you leave a whole whack of sextapes etc in storage and then fail to pay the bill?

nope, me either.

who are you to wave that finger

new years-ish resolutions:

1) write
2) every
3) day

seriously i'm getting ridiculous. i love writing - i do. but it's like any form of exercise. you have to do it every day for it to do you any good. and, also like any other form of exercise, sometimes you have to coax, cajole, and bully yourself into getting off yer ass and doing it. i really have no reason - my weekday evenings have settled into a nice comfortable routine of getting home from work, making out with the architect if the kiddo is out of the house, cooking dinner, doing odds and ends of chores, and either going out for a couple of hours or settling in on the couch/bed with a book or to watch tv.

i'm getting frickin' lazy and it's not good. i'm getting out of practice and it's not good.

fuckinell.

i also need to get back into doing yoga 'cause my back has started to bother me. the muscles are getting lazy like the rest of me. i can't wait for spring to get closer - my new bike is great but it sure sucks riding in the rain. i could even (gasp) maybe even ride to work on occasion, once it is light enough out in the mornings. i'd have to hitch a ride through the tunnel of course, but that's not a big deal. actually who'm i kidding. that's not going to happen any time soon LOL. i like being leisurely in the morning - drinking coffee and listening to the radio while i get ready. let's not get crazy about this...

any ideas for motivating yourself to do positive things for yourself?

can i get an amen?

hey big spender

ok so the architect was in a really blah mood yesterday. we had the world's most quiet drive home. once we got in the door he retired to his office to check his email and i put my jammies on and crawled into bed.

this part is hard for me, you know. i'm used to dealing with my own moods, but navigating someone else's is kind of new. the kiddo just gets grumpy - if you leave him alone till he's ready to talk you emerged unscathed by the sharp edge of his tongue. the architect, though, i'm not familiar with to the extent that i can easily separate his ... blues, i guess from me - i can't *not* take it personally. i'll learn, i guess.

anyhoo - i dealt with it by being stupid and cheerful in an attempt to elicit a grin of some sort. once i could see him begin to come around, i suggested a visit to a restaurant i noticed in tsawwassen - illuminate (ill-oo-min-ah-tay). an expensive dinner for a wednesday (dinner and wine for two came to $130) but well worth it when we emerged both smiling and full (mmm i had venison osso bucco). then i took him home and fucked his brains out. rawr.

sending out an sos

i don't know about you, but i'd be one of the first in line to pick up tickets to a police reunion show. i was (ok kinda still am) a massive fan. i just wish i knew where my 'message in a box' box set was... i'd bust it out and be singing along even as we speak. it's probably packed away in my folks' storage along with my teapot and various other kitchen type goodies. le sigh.

sweet mother of god! the cons are touring cross canada again this spring, my friends, and will be hitting vancity april 12. hopefully this does not coincide with anything else already in the works, as i must must must be there. interesting note - the 12th is a thursday which means that the following day is friday the 13th. if there were ever a better reason for a personal day, i cannot come up with one.

fun facts about the empire state building

is there anyone out there who isn't watching 'how i met your mother'? if so, you need to fix that a-sap. it's on tonight.

ok next - so we went tobogganing on saturday. the architect ended up with a concussion, and another member of our group broke her wrist. at what point do you say to yourself 'i'm too old to do this?' clearly 34 is not it, since i emerged unscathed. yay me!

i feel remarkably apathetic and unmotivated lately. I even spent a large-ish amount of money on clothes friday, but this retail therapy did little to alleviate my malaise. i need an existential shock to the system, grosse pointe blank style (what did debi newberry call it? i forget...) maybe it's my work environment - i can't wait to change roles here, because the people around me are always so frickin' cranky / unhappy. it has to be that because my homelife has been so great - the kiddo is happy, the architect is great, the house is lovely and clean and homey... le sigh.

anyhoo - we are going to federico's supper club on saturday. tourism vancouver is doing 'dine out vancouver' again this year - a whole bunch of restaurants particpate and you can have food from a set menu for $15, $25, or $35 dollars. i've never been, but have heard it's a blast. if you want to join us, we're going for 8pm..

dead disco, dead funk

ug i'm back to work for the first time in two weeks. I have no idea, seriously, how i ever managed to come to the decision that getting up this early EVER was a good idea. le sigh.... i couldn't fall asleep for anything last night - ended up getting up and popping some melatonin at around 11 then finally settled in. i was hot, then cold, then hot again, and the architect was snoring peacefully away with the cat curled up on his chest about six seconds after he shut his eyes. i wanted to use them both for paintball target practice.

someone give me a job i can do from home, please. or at least one that i can get super excited about going to every morning....

oh, canada!

team canada and the canucks both in one day? myohmy i can barely contain myself...

ahh i got nuttin. i haven't done much except lie about, ride my by-cycle and read books for the last two weeks so really, what else is there to talk about? ridley was complaining about blogs that are day-to-day archiving of the bloggers' lives - i don't particularly want to fall into that pattern, but at the same time, sometimes that's what i want to write about, you know? like how yesterday me, the architect and the kiddo crashed out in the living room in our pj's till almost 2pm watching hockey and drinking tea before we struggled up off the couches to go for lunch with friends. it was great - relaxing and fun and weirdly family-like except my family doesn't really do things like that. in my family it mostly feels like you put in your time and then get away from each other as quickly as possible. well not the sister and i, but still. to actually spend the day in relaxing (well kinda tense uptight sort of excitable, but relaxing nonetheless) companionship was a loverly change. anyhoo....

oh - sharing. on digg, today, they posted a link to a site that indexes online tv shows and movies etc (sweet mother of god who knew there was so many versions of stargate?)

music makes the world go round

check this out. the relationship between music and the brain is an interesting one - long ago i remember reading about how listening to classical music while studying helps you retain information at a better rate. i also noticed (and puzzled over) the fact that i could remember lyrics to songs years after the last time i'd heard them, but ask me to memorize a poem for class? fuggedabuddit. i've kind of become addicted to digg. maybe it's just 'cause i've spent the first two hours of nearly every morning in the last two weeks lying in bed, sipping coffee, surfing the net, and digg gives me a pleasant way to do it, but still. just like last year i've become addicted to top ten lists. le sigh. why can't we parcel them out throughout the year? i'd be so much more productive.

so i have to go back to work on monday. i'm not really looking forward to it, to be honest. my job has been less than satisfying; the working environment has been tense at best; you get the sense that the board doesn't REALLY care too much about the people who work for them... ah the same old complaints. my boss rocks - she's the real reason i haven't turned tail and run long ago. well that and i need to have a job 'cause while the architect probably *could* support us all, i'm not the kind of person who's comfortable with that idea at all. i like being able to pull my own weight, you know?

i do sort of feel like i should have accomplished more this vaykay. i still have boxes of stuff lying around; i still have pictures and lamps waiting to be hung; i still i still.... all i have really done is cook, watch movies, and lie about surfing the innerweb. not a bad thing per se, but not at all productive, either. oh though i did finish reading a couple of books, which is a good thing. i don't read (paper, not web) nearly enough anymore. i used to get through a book per week, easily. now i'm lucky to finish a book per month. now that things have settled down round the homestead, though, i should be able to get back into the swing of things, i hope.

speaking of which - i should take a shower and think about what to do for the day. my two hours are almost up and i still want to lie here...

twas the best of - slash- worst of

**edit** - i started this on the 30th... i'm a bit of a procrastinator, this week. since i'm on vay-kay, all i want to do is lie around in my jammies and read, especially since we ended up not going away for the new year (my back is spasming, the architect has a deadline). anyway onward...

ah the ubiquitous (sp?) list...

1) most frustrating / fascinating debate about me, carried out by people who've never met me: well it has to be a tossup between this one and this one. seems so long ago. plus now i wish i could sit them all down and say "ha! told you so! look where i am now!"

2) worst song of 2006: again, tied between that fucking my chemical romance song (oh for the days when they used to be good), the hinder song about cheating on your girlfriend, or that other 'ladies and gentlemen' song. ohh or maybe the evanescence single? too many to choose from...

3) albums i listened to the most: fabriclive 29 - evilnine; back to mine - adam freeland & back to mine - liam prodigy; 10000 days - tool; alexisonfire - crisis; beck - the information; DFA Remixes - chapters 1 & 2; dj champion - chill 'em all; kasabian - empire; rise against - the sufferer and the witness; swayzak - route de la slack; snow patrol - eyes open.

4) most disappointing album of '06 - sam's town by the killers. hands down.

5) my favourite post i wrote last year: april 5, 2006

6) my favourite movie - a scanner darkly
-------------------------------------------------------

ahh i dunno.. i've lost my rhythm. the architect is feeling a bit down today. he's regretting not going away with his friends this weekend, a bit, and worried that we are turning into a 'normal' couple. he doesn't want that - says he doesn't do well with routines and schedules. what do i say to this? we have gone through a very busy month - moving and families and christmas and and and. i hope he's not regretting asking me to live wiht him. it's only been a month - if he's feeling already that things are stagnating we can't be long for this world, i don't think. oh that makes me sick to my stomach, thinking that.

happy blog-day

that's the first photo i ever posted of myself - one year ago today. it's funny, isn't it, what changes a year can bring? (warning - i'm feeling a little emotional 'cause i haven't taken my meds in .. well long enough to feel the effects, but not long enough to have brain shivers)

three years ago in the sanatorium: "this would be my first attempt at this. i am, if you will, a blog virgin. i've been thinking about the wierdness of connecting with people on the internet. it's not like i have trouble meeting people in *real* life-- i am just fascinated by the sheer volume of people that i have no other way of coming in contact with. does this make me a bit of a tart? hmm i wonder."

it's funny, 'cause even as i wrote those words, three years ago, i never thought anything would ever come of this meeting people on line thing. i never really thought i'd develop virtual relationships with like-minded human beings all around the world - people whom, even though i've never really *MET* them, i still miss when i don't hear from them / check in on what's up in their worlds. i wish that i head the means to send plane tickets to him and him, and her and him, and him and everyone else here to have a big party in my house with lots of drinks and stories and drunken teary-eyed confessions and laughter and more drinks. i wish i could, but i can't. the thought is there, though, and the invitation is open - we have an extra bedroom, and some couches, and a kickass purple chaise and they all are open to you, all of you, where-ever you are if you feel like a holiday or a break and head my way.

and, less than a year ago, i met this great guy online. he's incredible, the architect, and, while he may raise an eyebrow if i were to announce that a whole bunch of blog people were coming to visit, would never question it or anything else. he'd just sigh, pat me on the head, and check to see if anyone had bothered to dust the spare room since the *last* time someone came to stay. we're going away on friday. but in the next couple of days i'll try to put together some of my favourite memories of the past year - whether they're good or bad, they are what they are and they made an impact on me. i'd like to hear yours, too, if you don't mind, but whatevs.

xo

and a partridge

what did you get for christmas?
did uncle arthur get drunk and pass out on the lawn again?
did you wake up the whole family puking on christmas day?
did una want to sieve the gravy at the turkey curry buffet?

i want to know it all....

a snapshot of life at raspberry's house...

email exchange between the architect and i this morning:

him: what's this world coming to when i have to defrost desserts in anticipation of my lunchtime sugar jonesing?

me: I am a bad, bad girlfriend. Clearly. How dare I prepare several family's worth of baking and then store it in the FREEZER?! For shame....

him: exactly. you're going to get a spanking tonight young (sizzling-hot) lady.


we like spanking...

i see my heart explode, it's been eroded by the weather here

well i'm glad to hear that i'm not the only one who gets a rash when that song comes on the radio - and picklesack, too! you can be hanged as a traitor in vancity for even implying that you might find nickleback a tad grating.

the winds are going to pick up again here today. we've had some crazy frickin' weather this year - seriously. last week during the windstorm the architect and i were woken up by a massive metallic crashing in the street. i leapt to my window to see what was the matter, but alas the moon on the crest of the rain soaked lawn revealed that my car (the green goblin, itself) was still in place - my wondering eyes spied only a garbage can careening down the block. le sigh - i had really hoped santa was getting me a new FJ for christmas...

oh heh - apparently our esteemed RCMP were called out to a mall yesterday to break up a gaggle of drunk santas. is that the correct word for a group of santas? gaggle? herd? flock? whichevs - drunk santas getting rousted by the cops is comedy gold...

you know you make it hard not to vomit...

it's a miracle that there is any morning at all that i make it to work without ritualistically flaying someone. seriously. the day that i no longer have to go through that fcuking tunnel to get anywhere will be a happy day indeed. four g-darn double long dumptrucks riding bareback REFUSING to let any silly little CAR come between them and their heavy duty truck on truck dance of love. RAWWWRRRRRR!!!!

to add insult to injury they played that fucking hinder song - quite possibly the worst song on the radio today. yes i said worst. seriously - every friday night, in tacky top forty bars all across north america, drunken frat boys are grinding coked up former cheerleaders to that song right before the ugly lights come up, thinkin that they're don juan casanova, when really they are mac'ing to a song about CHEATING ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

FYI - not romantic, fellas.


(ps - i might have a little bit of pre-menstrual tension. i'm not sure why i get that sense, but there it is.)

a festivus

oh man i'm starting to think that there is something to this whole bah humbug grinch thing.

bah.

humbug.

i ran my ass off all weekend - shopped like crazy, baked, organized, decorated, stressed myself out, puked my guts out, and for what? seven days before christmas, then i pack it all up and it's like it never happened.

bah.

humbug.

i think i just need to sit back and relax in the lights of my tree (finished decorating at 10.30 last night), gaze upon our newly purchased dining table (bought in a rush at 5.30 last night) and drink a gallon of wine. oh wait i can't cause i still have baking to do, some gifts to purchase, and then i have to wrap the works.

bah.

ok i'm done now. hey the architect and i are going to have a festivus/christmas/housewarming/what-have-you party on the 22nd. if you care to brave the drive to metro ladner, we'd love to have you. send me an email and i'll pass on the topo maps...

oh what fun it is to ride

so on my way to work there is a decidedly dark stretch in a light-industrial area. in the mornings, if i hit it at just the right time, driving along that length of road is akin to running a 'young drivers' obstacle course - all these dark clad targets darting out from between cars, doing that sheepish shuffle-run in front of your car clutching lunchbags and umbrellas. one day a tragedy will occur, some little traffic dodger will be laid out like yesterday's tuna sandwich.

seriously.

a cornucopia of goodness blissfully bursting in my belly (or something like that)

so i've just converted my blogs over to 'the new blogger'. aside from looking slightily... er... shall we say budget i'm not noticing much difference.

i'm unenthused about my job, lately. it's not that i don't *care*... well kind of i don't but i think it's just that the past few weeks have been emotionally trying and i need a holiday. fortunately, i work three days this week, then next is the week before christmas, then i'm off till january 8th. i heart vacations. we are going up the sunshine coast for 4 days for new years with a bunch of people, and off to whistler for boxing day, but aside from that it's going to be a lot of doing nothing, i think. hopefully the weather will be nice so we can do some fun outside type stuff, but i can't be assed to make any more concrete plans than that. plus, lets not kid - no matter how relaxing you think that christmas vacations will be, they always end up being a nightmare of busy-ness. i'm going to attempt to avoid that.

i finally went grocery shopping for the christmas baking yesterday. $250 later, i have almost all the stuff i need. (i say almost 'cause round about 3am i was jerked out of a deep sleep by the realization that i'd forgotten to buy icing sugar. or maybe it was the bedroom door slamming in the wind - who can say?) i've got quite a list of things to put together, but since the architect and i have finally got the house (mostly) sorted out, i can ignore the remaining boxes (can't do anything with'em until i have some shelves) and focus on cranking out at least one shining gem o' christmassy goodness a night.

------------------------------------------------------
in other news, i read this article this morning and found it quite fascinating. the constant evolution (or is it a devolution?) of language is a source of great interest for me. i love reading about how words gain power or lose power through use or lack thereof. say, for example, christmas. now that walmart has 'brought back christmas', does it mean that the term has finally become a generic label for a formerly religous now increasingly secular celebration? what does christmas even mean anymore? for me it's mostly a time of celebrating with family and friends - there is very little religious meaning to it. i wouldn't go so far as to say that it's completely commercialized for me - i think rather that, in my head, it's closer to a time to celebrate love and friendship and caring and giving. does that mean, therefore, that what i do should be called something different? like, does the pc-friendly 'winter holiday celebration' designation stand as more appropriate to use in my case, or has the word 'christmas' gone the way of xerox, jello, and kleenex and come to signify any event (christian or NOT-christian, but not those associated with other religious denominations) celebrated at that time of year?

anyhoo... i'm getting too text-heavy. i'll try and post some pix from the office christmas party which ended up being legend (wait for it! hope you aren't lactose intolerant 'cause here it is..)dairy....

all i want for christmas

so while i was driving in to work today they were talking about the worst christmas songs ever released, and played a snippet of some kid singing about how he (she? who can tell pre-puberty) ate beans and farted on santa's lap.

now if that won't get you into the spirit of the season, i dunno what will.

i'm so not ready for christmas this year. usually i'm done my shopping and my baking by now - this year i haven't even really started the shopping and i DEFINATELY have not started the baking - though the sister has written a wishlist up on my noteboard at home. i do have a 3-day weekend this week and a four day next, so i can get my head above water with the unpacking tomorrow/sunday and then next weekend can bake, wrap & shop.

notice how i left saturday off that for the unpacking madness? see it's my office christmas party on friday night, so we are attending that, then are heading dahn-tahn to see bassnectar at dicks afterwards. i imagine saturday will be a festival of nothingness - lounging in pjs and watching movies in front of the fire... i heart that idea, especially because it is supposed to be ass-esque weatherwise this weekend.

oooo i get a mani-pedi on friday, too. i don't know what dress to wear though - i have a great ann taylor wine coloured silk number that i've never worn, but no shoes that will really go with. or, alternatively, i could wear the floor-length dress i wore to mikeb's christmas party last year, since no one at my office has really seen it. i *do* have shoes to match it, but i kinda want to wear the silk one. what to do, what to do.....

december 6, 1989

Genevieve Bergeron- Nathalie Croteau - Anne-Marie Edward - Maryse Laganiere - Anne-Marie Lemay - Michele Richard - Annie Turcotte - Helene Colgan - Barbara Daigneault - Maud Haviernick - Maryse LeClair - Sonia Pelletier - Annie St-Arneault - Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz

i don't know what to call this post

so yesterday i stayed home 'cause when i got up my eyes were pretty much swollen shut and felt as though they were full of ground glass.

so awesome. mind you we've got a fairly nasty and daunting project for the day here at work, so i'm half wishing that they still felt that way today. though now that i think of it the project involves digging through 1500 files, so they may very well by the end of today. even more awesome.

i've unpacked my kitchen, the bathrooms, and my clothes. i have no idea where anything else is - including my jewellry and my alarm clock. le sigh .

tell y'all a story bout a joker and a thief

so we moved (and when i say 'we' i mean 'he') the architects furniture and boxes to the new place yesterday. i stayed home and had a snow day from work. i love working in my jammies - it rocks. i wanted to wear them again today but figured the new HR lady would look at the poohbear bottoms a touch askance. maybe not - it *is* casual friday, after all.

i think we found a 'just for now' kitchen table at ikea - it's square and has little stools. i like it... it's nowhere near as nice as the one we want to be our 'real' table (from moe's), but it'll do as a breakfast table kind of thing.

oh man listen to me - suzy homemaker over here. hmmm must post a naughty photo to mitigate the boringness....

is your name michael diamond?

ah come on - y'all know the next line. admit it.

i feel kinda beat up. i'm not sure if i'm fighting off a cold or flu, or if it's just the stress of the move. the guys we hired to bring the architect's stuff from kits to ladner cancelled last night due to weather, and he sort of has to be out by 1pm tomorrow. i'm not too stressed, since i paid rent till the 15th and, let's not kid, i rent from my parents and while they are looking forward to converting my bedroom to a tv room it's not too entirely pressing a desire. a few days one side or the other of this weekend doesn't matter much to anyone.

well, except me 'cause i just want the whole ordeal to be OVER.

i want to take some cleaner and some shelf paper over and bring the dishes etc and start getting settled. i can't tell you how much i'm looking forward to having my own space, my own kitchen, my own living room. oh and my own kitchen table - still don't have one of those, but i've got a damn cool purple chaise that no one will be allowed to eat on goshfukkit.

slip sliding away

my office is decidedly empty so far this morning. mind you, it did take me an hour to get here, today (a quick americano pitstop notwithstanding) and that was in the architect's all wheel drive winter tire clad audi. i'm not entirely sure i would have made it out of my driveway in my little green goblin.

i was off yesterday obstensibly to pack, but ended up baking muffins and shovelling out the entrance to the condo complex. i hurled ice and (very heavy) snow for over 2 hours and today am hobbling like a geriatric former NFL quarterback. very sexy, let me tell you. this is interesting though - i have this little cordless, heated, hand-held massager. as a result of my poor aching back, the architect and i actually used it for its intended purpose last night. sweet mother of god how glorious is *that*? i can't believe i never considered using it for an actual massage before. not exactly sure what that says about my personality, but there it is...

you told me you wanted to eat up my sadness

ug i have a crapload of work today but am suffering a low-grade hangover, and really *really* can't get into it. plus we found out yesterday that our bonuses are going to be over a month late - frustrating because of le relocation as well as le christmas. le sigh.

last night we went for dinner at friends - drank a couple of bottles of wine and discovered my new favouite drink. mm kahlua and almond milk. well i think it was good, anyway - i've been taking a *lot* of painkillers so the wine hit me a little harder than it normally does, if you catch my drift. this weekend has a few things up - maybe a lounge for a girls night out on friday, possibly dancing on saturday, and a whole lot of packing. good thing i have monday off, too.

the new house... it's 3/4 of a house - 3 bedrooms plus a den, all laminate flooring with a little deck out front and a big covered deck (perfect for year round bbq-ing) in back. as well, the back yard is lovely. there is one girl living downstairs - the landlord says she's super nice, but we've not met her yet. we are going to try and put the kiddo's room as far away from hers as possible so that he doesn't bother her with music late at night, but still feels free to play it. the house is painted in varying shades of blue except for the 2 small bedrooms which are white and the master bedroom which is a mocha colour that the architect and i picked. we're going to paint the kiddo's room dark red for him, 'cause he's always wanted that. we'll just have to paint it back before we move out again. the other good thing is that we didn't have to sign a lease - after the summer we can move back to the city no problemo.

i'm super excited - i've been buying bamboo towels and fun stuffs for the kitchen and looking at christmas lights and all sorts of stuff. i can't wait, but i'm really nervous, too. it's been a long time since i lived with someone. what if he decides he hates my funny little eccentricities? what if i all of a sudden hate his?

i wanna show you how the mailboy flirts

so a bunch of people over at alaska airlines got reprimanded and/or dismissed for talking about their jobs on their myspace pages.

rule 1 of blogging - if you want to remain anonymous, don't post your name and photos of yourself.
rule 2 of blogging - if you want to keep your job, either make sure your employer is a-ok with your site or shut the fuck up about your place of employ.
rule 3 of blogging - no flashing icons, sparkly bits dancing across the screen, or midi soundtracks.

ok three isn't a rule just a quiet, desperate plea from me, raspberry sundae.

this whole move thing is creeping on up super quick. the architect booked the truck to get his stuff from kits to l-town for NEXT WEDNESDAY. i'm getting really excited about the prospects of having a place of my own - one where i can invite all my friends back for dinner, or games, or cocktails... who wants to come to my housewarming?

where are you going

ok so here's my issue.

i had to take a little break here 'cause i've become desperately afraid of being one of those bloggers who just kind of falls into a routine of talking about their relationship and what she did for the weekend and how great/boring/much of a dolt/much of a wonderful example of humanity her boyfriend is.

so i'm working on finding a new path here, and working on making sure that i *make* time for this little bloggy, 'cause i do love coming here and i've missed the interaction i have with myself and with the readers (assuming i have any left). i just want to make sure i don't get caught in a rut. there are bloggers, of course, who manage to keep their lives and their inner voices entirely separate. i want to be one of those.

so bear with me as i find my footing, ok? the next few weeks will be a little rocky, but i'm sure my voice will come back and all will be well in blogland, again. i'll go back to writing about sex and stuff and shoes and more stuff and more shoes and getting loaded/high/going dancing/the kiddo/etc and no one will know that we've had this little 'break' ok bloggity? ok

xo

(edit - thanks to spo, this sort of sums it up...)

rocky mountain hi-iiiyh

so here are my first impressions of colorado springs - mother fucker is flat. seriously. ok yes there is a mountain over there, oh and there's that bunker disguised as a rockpile they call norad but when we were flying over denver you could see the rockies on one side and then i could see straight through to new york to the east i swear to god.

i'm drinking the weakest coffee in the world, at the moment, by the way. mmm hotel room coffee. so so bland.

our plan is to leave here on saturday, drive through to sheridan wyoming (former home of buffalo bill hickock) and spend the night, then go to missoula montana (called the garden city because it's apparently warmer than anywhere else in the state), and then home monday.

walmart is bringing back christmas. makes sense to me - say happy holidays all you want but the holiday you are celebrating 'round about that time of year is kinda christmas, here in north america. yes there are other holidays around that time of year, and you are right not everyone celebrates christmas, but heck - you don't have to celebrate them now do you? but that's just me - it's the P/C thing that has always irritated me the most. anyway, what has that got to do with colorado springs? well because walmart is the largest employer in el paso county (which is where i happen to be). crazy, huh?

anyhooo... i have to finish my beige water and head on out. i've got a busy day as a booth babe in front of me.

xo

i like to move it move it

written earlier today
I’m currently flying somewhere over (or so I speculate) eastern Washington. Sadly, I have no idea what is just east of Washington. I will, however, be finding out soon. I’ve been mentally making clichéd observations about patchwork landscapes that I’m ashamed to put to put to paper. I’m a better writer than that, dammit, but it’s true – the landscape does look like a patchwork quilt lovingly embroidered by your mom or grandma or someone who cares about you and just wants you to stay warm wrapped up in that proverbial blanket of emotion.

So there.

I’m reading that newish book by chuck klosterman and it’s making me feel like I should be working harder at what I know I’m good at – sitting back and finding patterns in books and the world at large and talking about them in writing. I feel this way because he writes in the same conversational tone as I do (at this point I feel the need to apologize for any perceived sense of hubris or self-idoloatry, but I can’t because I’m busy restraining myself from taking angus macintoy and whapping him over the head of the woman sitting in front of me. She keeps attempting to recline her seat back farther – I’m fairly sure it’s as far back as it should politely be reclined in these days of limited legroom and economy class bloodclots – and jamming my computer into my belly as I type. Rawr.) Anyway, C-dawg writes with the same tone as me (though infinitely more skill) and it makes me feel as though I should be doing more of it.

It’s hard, though, what with the architect pretty much living in my bedroom with me, since my car still refuses to function to expectation. I feel kinda rude whacking away at the bloggity, but there it is. So I try to write when I first get to work, but that can be dodgy as well – what if there are phone messages? Emails? Notes left on my monitor by colleagues and superiors? Dodgy.

The united cabin crew is distributing beverages and light snacks intended to keep the masses sated during our 2-hour hop to Denver. I’ve been handed biscuits which I am (miraculously) not allergic to, and am accepting a glass of nay an entire can of (strangely) tomato juice. Why tomato juice? I have no idea.

The architect had originally intended to fly to Colorado springs with me. Flight prices discouraged, this, and then just yesterday we formulated this spur of the moment adventure plan – he’s driving down, and we are going to take 3 days to drive back together (hence my cryptic comment about learning a bit about American geography). I’m excited about this because I’ve not seen much of the states – some bits of Tennessee, Atlanta, seattle (but only recently) and george Washington (which I now am intimately familiar with).

As an aside, no one else is bouncing around in their seat the way the woman in front of me is. I wonder if she can feel my laser death rays penetrating her seatback? Do you think she knows how close she is to horrifying mutilation and/or dismemberment?

My moustache still tastes of your testes!

so the rental agreement was signed on friday - it's official. the architect and i are shackin' up. this causes me belly aches of excitement and/or sheer terror.

speaking of belly aches - went to see Borat this weekend. you know, it debuted at #1, even though it's only playing on something like 800 screens. people clearly like making fun of americans & minorities. i wonder how many can see the social satire that is at the root of the humour? don't get me wrong - by the end of the film i wasn't even laughing anymore, just making a sick kind of wheezing noise. the kiddo was in a similar state - i looked over at him and he was supporting his head in his hand, holding his stomach, and the tears were rolling down his face. go see it - it's great.

on wednesday morning i'm going to colorado springs for work. the architect was originally going to go with me, but tickets are pricey so i told him to save the money and spend it on cool house stuff like, oh i dunno, a kitchen table, which we kinda need.

plus we are going to try and go to seattle to see adam freeland (joy!) and i want christmas presents...

this city is haunted

who says drugs don't pay? kate moss (just voted 'model of the year' at the british fashion awards) earned 30,013,935.67CAD last year - the year she was dropped from several lucrative modelling contracts after pictures of her *allegedly* hoovering back line upon line of gak hit the tabloids. this is, of course, in comparison to the 9,646,691.10CAD she earned the year *before* the pictures were published.

what is this i'm feeling? frustration? amusement? bemusement? could it be that i find myself actually giving a shit about the hipocrasy of the media and public opinion? it couldn't be that i'm surprised, surely.

i know, i know. don't call me shirley.

that big corner office in the sky....

I know I’ve talked about this before, but I’m really strongly impacted by music – a lyric or a chord can resound in me like few things can. Not sure why, as I’m completely musically inept, but there it is.

Today I was flipping through my itunes and realized it has been a while since I’ve listened to Matt Good. I have the In a Coma album saved on my work computer, cause it gives me a nice selection from his catalogue, so started listening to ‘oh be joyful’, and realized how much I actually love this song. There’s something about the plinky-plinky guitar bit in the middle that makes my belly tighten. Weird, huh? There’s no real explanation for it – I have no emotional connection to the man or the song – but it makes me feel… funny, for lack of a better word.

I got mildly scolded by my pharmacist the other night because I was 26 days overdue renewing the prescription for my meds. I knew I’d been fairly … er … laissez faire about taking them, but didn’t realize I had been *that* bad. Not good, sundae, not good.

Went looking at apartments last night and have found one that looks pretty promising – not too bad on the money, laminate flooring, and I can bring Agent Double-Oh-Kitty with me. Plus it’s in a neighbourhood close to a few of the kiddo’s friends, which makes him happy. The whole moving thing stresses me out, though – like a lot. Packing, cleaning, moving, setting up… I just want to make sure that everything is settled in time for Christmas…

Which, by the way, is a short 53 days away.

Gak.

got thrashed throughout the 30s

so i get this email thing from some management coaching company in vancouver. i'm not sure why - something to do with the five buh-jillion email addresses that i screen, but whatevs. in it today was this list of questions to ask when someone came storming into your office - it works for the office arena, but might also be useful for at home conflict type every day life situations, too, i think.

1) What's supposed to happen?
2) Who's responsibility is that?
3) How is that useful?
4) We don't need to be having this conversation.
5) What do you recommend?
6) Is this drama or about outcomes?
7) We're not paying for your memories.

ok maybe not #7 - unless of course you work at a happy ending massage place, in which case they are paying for their *own* memories... hey speaking of which, the architect's apartment building is also home to such a classy establishment. last night as we popped in for hot monkey sex after dinner (the problem with staying at my place now that my folks are back upstairs is that i'm super selfconcious about making lots of noise) there was a gentleman emerging from this place with quite the grin, let me tell you. the architect didn't put two and two together until, halfway up the first flight of stairs, i turned, looked at him, and made the universal hand signal for 'pull the goalie'. he almost fell backwards down the stairs laughing...

violent knight at the edge of your knife

sweet mother of god it's winter. all of a sudden it's winter. i've got my heater cranked at my feet, i wore a scarf and gloves with my down vest this morning, and my fingers have that stiff 'don't remember how to work' feeling. mind you, our office air conditioning still thinks it is +22 outside, and is merrily pumping cold air down onto my head, but whatevs.

i managed to offend one of my colleagues thursday, by not telling her what i was doing, when i was finishing a fun project for my boss. the air emanating from her section of the office is, believe it or not, colder than that coming from the vents. shocking, i know, but there it is. le sigh. each day that passes leaves me less patience for moody coworkers. fucking deal with it or go back to highschool.

moving on....

this weekend the architect, the sister, and i went to look at a main floor suite. it was advertised as a 'newly renovated' (meaning since the house was built back in the late 60s) 3-bedroom. the first bedroom was about the same size as my closet. the second was slightly bigger, and the 'big' bedroom about half the size of mine.

the piece de resistance, though, was the "bathtub". if i'd pulled my knees up to my chest, i could have fit into the 'tub', and even had water covering me up to (approximately) my hips. the uniqueness of this 'tub' was nearly enough to make me sign a lease then and there, but the sheer wonder of it was mitigated by the lack of closet space.

le sigh.

the hunt continues....

arg

so for two mornings now i've tried to log into blogger and been denied denied denied. bastard bitch blogger blowhard.

bugger.

so anyhoo... it's been forever since i've been here, and i apologize. things are happening. the architect and i are planning on cohabitating. this is exciting to me. it scares the *SHIT* out of me, but it is exciting... we've more or less been spending all of our non-work time together for the past month anyway. it's not too much of a stretch to go all the way. he gets along with the kiddo, the sister thinks he's great, and my mom seems to like him lots, as well, so there's that.

plus he actually owns furniture. praise the lord halleluiah amen.

OH K-Lo i apologize for no pictures, but the blogger thing has pissed me off royally - i'll get some up this weekend, i promise :) in the meantime, here is one of the architect being naughty. he gave me permission to put it up - i think he wanted to represent... ahh fuck forget it. i still can't post pictures. will keep trying....

don't you don't you want to thrill me

so i just spent two days in a seattle hotel room with a hot tub, the architect, and a vinyl nurse outfit.

i got spoiled - by the city, the hotel, the weather, the nurse outfit, and by the architect. it was quite honestly one of the best weekends i've ever had. we went for dinner at a can-can caberet, fucked till we were both shaking and sore, shopped till we dropped, and drank wine smuggled in a plastic water bottle from plastic cups watching the sunset down by pike's place market.

le sigh. i'll try and put up some pictures later...

the hardest button to button

so one of the things i like about firefox is that i can have tabs as my homepage. i have it set up differently for angus macintoy and for chuck, my work laptop. On angus, it loads my blog as a tab, but not on chuck.

anyway.... this morning while i was in the shower the architect loaded firefox on angus so he could check his mail and keep up to date on the ongoing soap opera which is the international motorcycle racing circuit. my blog came up. he read the last post (i'd told him before that it existed and that he was welcome to read it if he should so desire. he's never done it).

when i got out of the shower, i went upstairs, poured two cups of coffee, came back down and handed him one. he told me that he read it. i almost dropped my coffee. he said it was good, 'cause he's been thinking the same thing. he said 'i promise to stick around if you do.' i made him pinky swear. he told me a bit about why he was afraid, too. it was good.

oh plus he woke me up for sex.

oh plus on the way to work he got me that super cute mug at tenbucks.

we like him.

my blood before me begs me

i am here writes: First, tell us why you are feeling this way. Are you scared of being hurt? What may happen? You do really like him don't you? Maybe talk to him about it. What are you afraid of?

why am i feeling this way? he says it has been a long time since he loved someone. he says he doesn't know what it feels like. he's not sure how he feels about me, 'cause he doesn't know what he's feeling.

am i scared of being hurt? of course. what may happen? he may decide he doesn't want me - that what he's feeling isn't anything more than lust or sex or infatuation and he'll run away. i'll fuck it up - say something or do something like i always do and he'll give me a look that says he doesn't know me at all and turn his back.

i really like him don't i? o yes.

maybe talk to him about it. i could. i have, kind of. i don't know.

what am i afraid of? that i'll lose the coolest person i've met in.. maybe forever. that i'll disappoint him. that i'll fuck it up, like i always do.

you bring the discrepancies, i'll pour the drinks

two things have happened since i got home from work. not *directly to* me, but around me.

1) a good friend is splitting up with her husband. well, technically, he left her for someone else. they'd decided to try and co-parent. she found out today that, because she makes more money than he does, she has to pay *him* child support because he has their son half the time. he left her for someone else, and she has to give him money. fuck.

2) i was poking through my blogroll and hit one of mike's links - the one for his travel blog. i guess the girl he *hasn't* been dating is going to antarctica with him. he hasn't contacted me in weeks. i tried to keep up with him via emails etc, but he has initiated nothing. the last time i heard from him was when i invited him for a port and chocolate night, and he sent me a one sentence response saying he was busy. i guess three years of my friendship can be dismissed in a sentence. cool.

these two things are kinda swirling around in my head tonight, along with my freakout over the architect. it's making me want to throw myself into something - into a beat into a bottle into some pills. i have that tight feeling in my arms... as if someone is holding me down, stopping me from moving forward. the panic is bubbling up in my belly climbing up up up past my heart, into my throat, mouth getting dry eyes starting to water skin of my skull getting tight. i need to explode burst free from my corpse and leave it all behind me.

bon appetit you've eaten me alive you realize

ay caramba just had a flash that i was maybe getting myself over my head with this architect fellow. translation - i'm freaking out and thinking maybe i should run away run away. it's not too late, little raspberry, you can still cut and run, emerge (mostly) unscathed... un scathed un harmed un hinged un heartbroken.

what to do?

third world war third round

in which raspberry sundae embarks upon an unresearched women's studies 100-esque rant based exclusively upon conjecture and colloquial evidence about the worst drivers on the road. if you have a penis, feel free to read on, but don't be surprised to find broad sweeping generalisations and/or stereotypes fabricated from the ether.

since the beginning of time, there have been differences between men and women.* one of those differences is, of course, expectation of dominion over the immediate (and not so immediate) area.

wtf? you may be thinking? well, i think that millenia of expecting to be treated as superior to women and all other beings have rendered men (specifically men between the ages of 40 - 60) as asshole drivers. drivers of this age group have an unfounded sense that they have dominion over the roads - they drive agressively; don't like to allow people in at merge situations, and honk their horns like fucking jerks if you dare to try and join the flow of traffic in front of them. 75$ of dangerous drivers i have experienced in the past 4 years have been men that fell within this age group - including the two this morning.

news flash, fuckers: if cars are trying to get into your lane and you don't let them you are a) potentially causing accidents and b) absolutely causing traffic snarl ups behind them as they have to slam on their brakes to avoid being hit. second news flash, jerkoffs: you know how when you approach the tunnel and there is hundreds of cars trying to merge into two lanes? fucking move over so that you aren't in the lane they are all trying to get into. if a driver attempts to merge (safely and legally, by the way) in front of you, don't speed up and lay on your horn. MOVE THE FUCK OVER or LET THEM IN.

good luck and good night.











* when i was teaching i used to give out a handout listing 'sentences that would earn you an automatic F on your paper. this was one of them.

route de la slack

ok so it's day two of my three day weekend. i've used the time thus far to see the herbaliser (pretty good), go to the burlesque studio afterparty (frickin' great), take some drugs, drink some beer, not sleep, have sex, go for brunch, go to ikea (the architect bought a fuzzy blanket for me to curl up with when visiting him), watch ufc with the architect, the sister, kiddo & the gang, drink more beer, get to bed early, wake up, make coffee, pancakes (two kinds - blueberry & choc. chip) and bacon for breakfast, organise my itunes, download some music, and laze about. not to bad, so far, i'd say...

today i'm taking the kid to see the trailer park boys, then the sister, the architect, the boss and i are going to hit up the noodle box and then see kasabian at the commodore. this weekend is shaping up to be... monumental. i'm feeling pleased with myself, to say the least.

at breakfast this morning we all sat around the table chatting and eating. it was like family breakfast, complete with the grumpy teenager who could only be coaxed out of bed via the 'wave the bacon under the nose' method. i, of course, currently smell like bacon, which grosses me out, but i'll live, i guess.

so next weekend we are going to seattle to go shopping and have dirty monkey hotel sex. how fun is that? oh and drink wine in the hotel wine bar. can't forget that. anyone out there who knows of fun (you know what i like) nightlife or shopping in seattle? i have never been there for more than a couple of hours, and so know the nordstrom shoe department, but that's about the extent of it. lame, i know, but there it is.

i'd like suggestions, if you have any. i found online a can-can restaurant with nightly revues, so i think that we are going there for dinner (i'm excited, the architect is accomodating), but the night is long when you are young(ish), cute, and not dead broke (not me, i'm always broke. him)

born to blossom bloom to perish

raspberry's friday list of random facts

1. tonight i go see the herbaliser
2. i cancelled my hair appointment for tomorrow
3. i rescheduled it for 3 weeks before my christmas party
4. i'm feeling lazy today
5. pink m&m's have no calories, because when you eat them you are helping to fight breast cancer
6. any chocolate consumed between american thanksgiving and twelfth night has no calories or fat, because it is magic christmas chocolate
7. people who don't celebrate christmas are exempt from that rule
8. the architect is no longer coming to colorado with me. i will be flying solo. anyone who knows of fun things to do in colorado springs should call me asap.
9. ridley wrote me a letter
10. i don't know what to be for hallowe'en

ain't no sex on the radio

is that a real lyric? i don't even know this morning. i look hot in an eighties markie post kinda way, today. i have on this great bat wing black shirt and grey pencil skirt (courtesy of valoo veelage) and new black knee high boots (courtesy the architect). or maybe only i think i look hot, but sheet that's half the battle, right? riiigghhhtttt.

i recall one day a (pretty much former) friend told me that the reason guys don't like me is 'cause i'm too 'styley'. i never did figure out what that meant. i dress well so men won't find me attractive? seemed fishy, to me.

-------------------------------------------
edit:

ha whoops i forgot that i had this open, got distracted by work, and totally abandoned it. it's now almost ten am... such a spaz.

black cats, red dogs, breakfast

so i really want to go to the billy talent/antiflag/moneen show, but i fear that i might be too old.

why do i think this? well, 'cause i'm not sure that any of my friends would want to go (the architect notwithstanding - he'd probably do it if i really wanted to, but whether or not he WANTS to is another issue). as well, the thought of being surrounded by 10,000 angst ridden teenagers hurts me inside.

at what point do you become to old for punk (even pop-punk) shows? ever? i didn't go to rancid, bad religion, or alexisonfire for pretty much the same reasons. (as an aside, i picked the kiddo up after the alexisonfire show, and was reminded of why i didn't accompany him - horde after horde of pubescent boys roving commercial drive in beer-and-weed fueled packs...)

maybe it's around about the same time that you find yourself struggling to complete your performance self-appraisal. i'm having a bitch of a time with it, because the first section asks me to list my key performance factors, then rate my acheivement of these objectives. since i don't really have a formal job description (we joke that it would just say 'other duties as required') i'm having trouble figuring out whether or not i've managed to acheive my fiscal objectives.

le sigh.

as another side note, guess which super lucky sundae is getting her very own ohmibod? i haven't got much experience with power tools - in fact, up until saturday (ha, yup. this sundae girl received a "cordless personal massager with infrared heat" as well as a pair of super-hot black boots as prezents this weekend) i'd never owned one. the thought of making playlists designed to get me off as quickly or as slowly or as intensly as i feel like is just fucking awesome. as is the thought that the architect ordered it for me. on friday. while we were getting drunk on (rather decent) red wine with my boss. MY BOSS.

ha that rocks.

from the wine guru

at more is less... the pitchfork review of the new jet album: click this shit

heh.

one guy's wasted and the other's a waste

ok so i'm really glad that i have a long weekend again *next* weekend, 'cause i need it to recover from *this* weekend. saturday we went to see that body world thingy at science world - it's really cool. if you are in or around the vancouver (or the coat) area, you should really check it out. i found it very humbling, and very, in a way, humanizing. there's really no way to be deluded into believing that you are in anyway better than or superior to anyone else once you spend an afternoon in the company of bodies with their skin removed.

sunday was another massive thanksgiving dinner - i tried to keep it under ten this year - really really i did. ended up with thirteen regardless, and made massive amounts of food, including homemeade lamb sausage rolls, brie in puffpastry, and all sorts of other yummy goodies. arg i'm tired just thinking about it. i basically cooked for 12 hours on sunday.

friday night we are going to see the sweet soul burlesque cabaret with the herbaliser, and sunday is kasabian. next weekend we go to seattle for our 'romance package' weekend away (the architect cringes every time he says that). one of these weekends i might actually get some rest...

so one of my colleagues has changed her hours so that she comes in about the same time as i do. normally this wouldn't bother me too much, except that she tends to spend the first half an hour she's here talking about well, let's not kid, nothing in particular. maybe this is what that chick meant when she said that i didn't know how to be a friend to women - i just can't handle the maintenance niceties. i will talk to you about my day and my weekend, but later - after i've had a chance to drink my coffee, check to see what's happening in the outside world, settle in. i can't do the after work phone calls to see if you are ok. i don't really care too much about your personal dramas, or the chaos your cats caused this morning, or blah blah blah. actually, no - that's not completely true. i DO care - i just want to hear broad strokes, not every single detail, and i don't need 20minutes of buildup. i'm a smart girl. i catch on pretty quickly.

hm. it appears that i may be a touch grumpy, this morning. interesting.

crap i forgot my mobile at home. shit. shocking, i know, to think that i've forgotten something....

i see you baby

so last night, as i was washing dishes, the architect decided that it would be great fun to haul down my skirt, cover my ass with bubbles, and take a picture. le sigh. i'm just glad the kiddo had to work. can you imagine *that* conversation?

strap on my ear goggles and i'm ready to go

the architect hung out at my house yesterday 'cause my car is acting up so he was taking a look at it. he was hanging out in my room surfing the net when the kiddo got himself up for school, and commented on the wide variety of music emanating (at some god-forsaken decible, i'm sure) from his bedroom. i kinda take that as a compliment - i think it's because he's always been exposed to such a vast range of musical styles that he can flip from tek to deathmetal to new metal to hip hop to acoustic college alt-rock to post rock within one playlist. mind you, i guess i kinda do the same thing.

for example, here is some stuff i'm listening to lately. not all of it is new, or even recent, but some of it is.

1) essential mix - krafty kuts (broadcast feb 05)
2) route de la slack - swayzak (via recommendation on more is less
3) fabriclive 06 - grooverider
4) tool - 10000 days
5) fabriclive 28 - evil nine
6) rinocerose - schizophonia (you know - that cubicle song from the ipod commercial)
7) the be good tanyas - chinatown

one of my favourite things about the internet is that i can hear something, get online, and find tonnes more stuff by that artist, or similar to that artist, or completely opposite from that artist, with a few mouseclicks. or, for example, ask 'what're you guys listening to?' and get a whole bunch of stuff i would have probably never heard of otherwise.

so, 'what're you guys listening to?'


=) xoxo

The radical reconstruction of the south after the Civil War was neither radical nor a reconstruction. Discuss

so i spent the weekend helping the architect move, 'cause i'm a sweet raspberry and, if you ask me to, i'll do such things for you. heck even if you *don't* ask i'll usually do them, 'cause that's how i roll.

so anyway, on friday i quietly (or not so quietly 'cause i'm not the most mousey of characters) i worked my way through a bottle of wine and packed his kitchen for him, whilst clad in a tshirt and a thong. how many men get to say that? prolly not too many out there. saturday we moved his crapola, and sunday was a day of rest amen.

now, as is the case when anyone moves, once he was in he realized there was a bunch of crap he needed - hardware stuff. so after dinner on sunday, we pottered off to home depot to pick up a few things. now it must have been four, maybe five hours since we'd had sex so i was clearly all worked up and ready to go again. what to do, seeing as how we are in a hardware store? why handicapped bathroom, of course.

the architect is not as .. er .. well versed in displays of semi-public lewdness as i am. (i'm not sure if that's a sad statement of his past, or mine, but that's a topic for another day.) so anyway, we're in, door's locked, and i've got him pushed up against the wall, cock in my mouth. he's lovingit, naturally. then, over the loudspeaker, comes this booming heavily accented highly pitched female voice. i guess home depot closes at 8pm on sundays. who knew?

well, no worries - it's just a quickie anyway. i soldier on.

well, that is, until linda richman decides to park herself outside the bathroom door and complain bitterly about ... to be honest with you i have no fucking idea 'cause i couldn't actually hear *what* she was saying over the shrieking. i mean, buttah, her voice was. ahem. in my head i'm praying 'just shut up - only ten minutes - just shut up'. the architect, however, lost his focus. poor fellow. he may never again be able to look at another handicapped washroom without doubting his manhood.

the ability to reason that wears so thin

so last night the kiddo went to see rancid. i did not, but seethed quietly in jealous pudding. i did, however, go grocery shopping with my mum. you can see as how those two things are comparable, right?

riiiiggghhhttt.....

anyhoo, as we were pottering about the market like two old ladies at the church bake sale, i received a call from my offspring:

static-static-noise "pink with a big skull and crossbones!"
'what?' i asked.
static-noise-"really cool!" noise-noise "skull!" static-static
'oh, cool!' i responded enthusiastically, assuming that he was telling me that he was going to borrow money off a buddy to get a shirt and asking if i'd slide him the cash for it later.
static-static "you want it?"
'uh, sure!' i say, getting confused now.
"ok it's yours!" and he hangs up.

so the end result of this fractured conversation is that he got paid yesterday (this child with actual money of his own to spend thing is a great gig - i highly recommend it). he saw a pink zippy rancid hoody with a huge skull and crossbones on the back. and bought it for me. how sweet is my boy?

you know i'm fly you think i'm gettin high

ug i have girlie cramps today. this is why guys read girls' blogs, isn't it? to learn about the detailed workings of the female anatomy?

yeah that's what i thought.

you know, one of the coolest things about dating guys in their thirties is that they've been around females for a really long time. most of them have been in major relationships - they are not usually fazed by the icky bits anymore, and usually they are quite sympathetic.

punkrock boy resurfaced last night for his regular 'every three months or so' booty call. i declined the opportunity. look at me go. of course he promptly proceeded to tell me exactly what he would do to me if i changed my mind *fans self*. i remained firm in my resolve, however, and stayed home to watch tv and talk with the architect on the ehm-ess-ehn. now that it gets dark at 7pm i don't feel guilty about lying around in my pjs, drinking tea and chatting on the 'net.

ok - must work, and find some way to drug myself into not caring that my belly is trying to rip itself apart....

random confession #2

i generally bawl my eyes out at the end of 'cold case'. no idea why.

i think that the next time i hear that a fugitive is making a 'run for border', i, as an unarmed project manager, am going to walk off the job.

i remember when, i remember when i lost my mind

you know, i'm still not sure if i like that song or not. yes, i realize it's been a year. i'm just... undecided.

sat down on the architect's couch this afternoon - we'd gone for brunch and a shopping wander - and woke up 2.5 hours later. guess i needed a nap. i hate doing that though - it was a beautiful day and i feel as though i completely wasted it. bothers me to no end.

so friday night we went to see james murphy and the juan mclean at celebrities downtown. the evening started off well enough - naked rolling around, then drinks at a friends, then headed off to the club. the first dj (no idea who it was. anyone else there?) was pretty good, and the juan mclean was great. james murphy started off promisingly enough but, as the evening progressed, he either got drunk, lazy, or apathetic, (or, of course, all of the above) because i haven't heard so many trainwrecks since dj mm was first starting out and was throwing parties in his living room. as clarina pointed out, it seemed as though it was only a matter of time before he threw down some cc peniston, or maybe some c&c music factory. and we're not talking about in a kitchsy cool 90's dance music revival way. we're talking in a bad small town dance club / stereotypical gay bar / night at the roxbury kind of way. definately a whimper, and absolutely not a bang.

afterwards the architect, clarina, d-rod and i all headed down to spanish banks with some blankets and lay out on the beach, looked at the stars and listened to music. there's not too many places in the world where your gaze can drift from the cityscape, to the freighters in the harbour, to the mountains resting in the moonlight all with one sweep of the head. it's moments like that when i remember how lucky i am to be here.

so we hung out until 5.30 or so, headed home and napped for a couple of hours, then i hooked up (not like that you freaks) with my sister for some sushi and some shopping. we seem to have mended our fences, which is a really good thing. she is the family member i am closest to - i hate not getting along with her.

anyhoo... i'm going to put on my jammies and watch some tv. i'm still kinda sleepy. being up for 24 hours then getting only 3.5 hours sleep will do that to you at my age, i guess....

let's waste time chasing cars

so here it is, friday again. for those of you trapped in the 'lesser' parts of canada, keep in mind that it is going to be sunny and around 20deg. celsius all weekend.

heh - suckers.

mind you this positivity is mitigated by the fact that it will probably start raining sometime mid next week and not stop till.. oh.. say... may of next year.

so tonight we are going to see james murphy of lcd soundsystem / dfa records and i am *so* excited. i need to go dancing. like i NEED to go dancing - i am feeling sluggish. now fall for me is a time of setting into dinner parties and restaurants with friends and warm nights at home wrapped up in a quilt, drinking tea or wine, watching movies. but i still have to get out and shake my skinny white ass once in a while. i dunno - i guess it's just something i need to do once in a while to feel young. funny, huh?

my folks are going to the uk / spain for about a month - my mom for a little less time than my dad - so i'm taking care of the house. i'm pretty excited about it - there are def. worse places to look after. my biggest concern will be the kiddo getting himself up out of bed in time for school every morning, 'cause i sure as heck can't stick around do kick him out the door. well, i guess i could switch my hours up for the time period, but i kind of like this whole getting to work before everyone else, having some time to myself in the morning thing. i like sitting here when the lights are still off, drinking a coffee, reading the news and my horoscope and the funnies. i don't feel like i've started my day correctly when i get in late. i'm not a 'by the book' person, but i do take some comfort in my morning routines.

i bet you look good on the dancefloor

i'm tired of winter already, and it's barely begun. i want to wear little dresses and flipflops, not high heels and wool. to think that only a couple of weeks ago i was thinking to myself 'why won't the seasons *change* already'. can't please some people, huh?

from the books of 'classic raspberry moments': the other night i was eating spaghetti. i slurped a string. the end flipped up and hit me in the eye.

yes.

i poked myself.

in the eye.

with spaghetti.

i gotta tell you, spaghetti sauce in the eye is not one of the more pleasant things i've ever experienced. in fact, it's possibly up there as one of the least. don't recommend it at all.

only i could possibly require safety glasses for dinner.

a dead generator in a cloud of exhaust

ohhh i can barely open my eyes this morning. it's winter, yo - like cold and chilly and damp. how did this happen? where did summer go? how is it that i spent such little time at the beach? so few hours on patios sipping cocktails and watching the boys go by?

i could sit here with my head in my hands and fall asleep in about thirty seconds. i'm not kidding you. why am i so tired? no idea, actually. i think it's the fact that it's grey and nasty out, perhaps coupled with the messed up sleep patterns of the weekend. though i did get lots of sleep - not too much, i don't think, but just enough.

holy fuck this is a boring post. what could i do to possibly make it more dull? why tell you about my new crockpot and how excited i am to try it out, of course.

or not.

jeebus.

i did go treasure hunting at value village yesterday, and came out with a grey pencil skirt, a great turquoise angora wrap sweater, and a black bat-wing blouse. that was pretty exciting. well, for me anyway, cause i desperately need fall clothes and i am desperately low on cash. i forgot how simultaneously rewarding and frustrating it can be. oh i also got a cool new purse - babyphat for $3. i heart that. *and* i made super yummy chocolate chip oatmeal cookies....

how spoiled is my son, though? i called the kiddo at work yesterday. he put in his supper order (choices - baby potatoes, green beans & baked salmon; roast beef, pan roasted potatoes & green beans; samosas & rhubarb chutney). he made his selection (went with the beef, requested hotsauce on the meat & jamaica mistake salad dressing on the veggies) and i hand delivered it to him at work with a tall glass of milk. then, two hours later, i went over to deliver two straight from the oven cookies. he's the prince, for sure.

ok now that i've rendered my male audience comatose and completely destroyed my reputation, i'm going to get some work done...

you fighting me off like a fire does

yay for fridays... i need to be part of an organization that believes in flex days. i could do with every other friday off. or monday - i'm easy. (shut it)

the architect is taking me out for fancy dinner tonight - we are going to quattro on fourth avenue, primarily because it's more or less right across the street from his house. gotta take advantage of this, because all that is across the street from his new place is .. uh.. i think the cactus club. close to it, anyhoo. either way - not bad for a quickie meal (eat 'cause you're hungry and don't want to think about it) but really i try to avoid eating at places like earls & the cactus club. there are so many other great places in vancity - why would you settle for average? a first date with someone who suggests the cactus club or earls is probably the only date. is that an unreasonable criteria upon which to judge someone's character?

nah..

anyhoo dinner. yeah so i checked out the menu online to make sure there would be something i can eat, and sure enough there's quite a bit that looks promising. i think i'm going to step out of my usual salmon / arrabiatta pasta / salad italian restaurant rut and either go with the venison chop or (as a total departure) cornish game hen. i've never tried it, but i've always been fascinated. also, i checked the allergy type properties of it and it seems as though i should be ok.

for my birthday, my brother gave me a copy of insatiable, the autobiography of gael greene - a food critic slash author. one of the classic quotations (which sums my personality up swimmingly as well) is where she muses the two greatest inventions of the 20th century are the cuisanart and the clitoris. she's a bit of a hedonist, you see. reading about her adventures in food - travelling all across france in a veritable orgy of sex and food - makes me really wish i wasn't allergic to all the fun stuff, you know? i love food. i have no idea why i don't weigh a buhjillion pounds. i could cook and eat 24/7. le sigh.

eating and fucking. fucking and eating. the two are inextricably intertwined - a fact illustrated by the way people gain weight whenever they start a new relationship. well, actually, i've avoided it thus far (i checked the scale last night), but the architect claims to have put on 6lbs. i bake, you see. can't help myself.

ok must work now. forgot my breakfast so had to call the divine ms. u and ask her to pick me up a bagel when she makes her morning timmys stop. i may die in the meantime.

twist within this verbose mystery

ok so there is some very good advice / stuff to think about in the comments below. i shall ponder.

on an entirely different note, last night the architect and i went to the noodle box - a new noodle bar open on 4th avenue. all i can say is NUM. the space is open and modern - really clean lines, with exposed ductwork etc uptop. the lighting is subdued but bright enough that the atmosphere feels clean and crisp - you can see what you are eating and i like that.

i had cambodian jungle curry with tofu - hot & spicy and flavourful and fresh. the architect had malaysian lamb curry - medium spicy but oh so rich and served with crispy roti. just awesome taste and dinner for two for under $25. they don't have their liquor license yet - my only complaint, as the perfect accompaniment to the meal would have been an icy cold beer - but i will be back.

oh especially since suzanne, the manager, gave us a couple of coupons for free dishes.

what comes around goes around

(apologies in advance for the text-heavy post)

i'm a big believer in karma. i believe that, as you go through life dumping negativity into the shopping cart of personal interaction, sooner or later you are going to have to hit the checkout and sometimes sometimes when you hit the teller it's gonna be a little more expensive than you thought.

where's this drawn out poor excuse for a metaphor coming from? well clearly i'm still pissed about my sister. i did an upper arm strength yoga workout last night and so chilled a bit, but all things considered i'm irritated as fuck. a few months ago, i came to terms with the fact that i was going to build a life for myself here in vancouver. like - up until this point what i was doing was sort of an in-between thing. i didn't know where i was going, and didn't know what i wanted to do, but this thing here was only good for right now.

around june, i guess, something flipped in my head. i bought a raincoat (after four years in vancouver i finally bought a rainjacket). i started sorting through my stuff - stuff that's been gathering dust since i dumped it into storage. i started accepting the fact that maybe i should put down some roots and stop waiting for... whatever... to come along. this is it - this is life. grab happiness and run with it, no matter what form it takes.

why the change? no idea. maybe my meds really are working. maybe it was summer and i got lots of vitamin d. maybe it was just... time.

regardless - i started evaluating my relationships with my family. i started feeling like a bit of a second class citizen. the way my sister condescended to me all the time started to wear thin. the disparity in the way my folks treat my siblings and i started becoming obvious. so i started to check out.

i feel as though i've spent five (at least) years just accepting the treatment of others for fear of making them not like me. i've wanted so much to belong that it got to the point that my own hurt feelings or distress didn't matter anymore. and, what's more, in the midst of depression i wasn't entirely sure if it was just me - if i was making it all up in my head. now, though, i am fairly sure that it's not. the tone which my sister used with me yesterday was a perfect example. when i tried to talk to my mom about it later, she took the sister's side without even pausing to consider what i was saying.

at dinner last night i sat with my parents and wanted to say something. i wanted to say that i've been so insecure, that i've wanted so badly for people to just LIKE me, that i forgot what it meant to take care of myself - to like myself. now it feels as though i'm remembering. what i don't know is what the fallout will be - or if i even care anymore.

family tree is burning the rocket's waiting on the lawn

you know, i could not, at this point, get away from my family any fucking faster.

not my dad - he's kind of normal. which, in the grand scheme of things, is fucked up, considering.

my sister just ripped into me 'cause she wants me to have a serious talk with the kiddo about taking jujitsu seriously. i said to her that she can do it, cause her and her boyfriend have set this up. i got the laugh 'oh yeah i forgot - 'cause we are doing something nice for your son' scoff. this, of course, pissed me off. 'that's shit.' i responded. 'don't say crap like that. you and dave set this up - i'm not going to lecture the kiddo on your behalf'.

'oh i LOVE the new yelly you' she says condescendingly as she turns away.

you know, just 'cause i've started NOT backing down everytime someone disagrees with me all of a sudden i'm the problem child. i've spent five years being so insecure that i'd go along with anything just to make people like me. well guess what - i'm fucking not going to anymore and if you don't like it then you can all go to hell. don't fucking try to passive agressively guilt trip me into just going along with whatever it is you figure is right, without taking into consideration me, what i want, or how i feel. it's bullshit. i'm an independent human being and i deserve the consideration of my family and friends.

turn that shit up

i wonder if chad ever found the jalapeno i dropped down the back of his pants? anyone? anyone? bueller?

(that's me showing my age. it's a sad sad state of affairs when half of the people i encounter on a daily basis don't get that joke. le sigh.)

so the architect installed new brake pads for me yesterday. i can now officially stop anytime i want to. this is a good thing 'cause there were a few moments late last week when i was fairly sure i was just gonna keep on keepin' on, if you know what i'm saying. this newfound stopping power came in particularly handy this morning, as cfox has set up on the north end of the tunnel, so everyone is coming to a complete stop to gawk at the spectacle. what - you've never seen a guy with bedhead throwing subway breakfast sandwiches at passing motorists before? sheesh - get out of the suburbs, folks, and get a life. yawhn... simply passe, dahling.

so i now have 'everlong' as my ringtone. i'm fairly excited about this, since i've figured a way to get (cheep ass midi - damn bberry hi-tech lo-tech) ringtones with little fuss and less muss. this is a big deal 'cause my work pays for my crackbaby service and therefore i always have a certain amount of guilt using it for fun things like finding the address for the foggy dew so that i can go drink and other respectable activities as such.

PS - i made the architect vegan cinammon pancakes for breakfast yesterday. i rock.

one week since you looked at me

ok so last night i took the architect to the blogger meetup. he spent the first fifteen minutes we were there trying to not laugh at how nervous i was.

WORLDS COLLIDING, JERRY - WORLDS COLLIDING!

it's all good though. we were sitting in the smoking room chatting with my girlfriend and his response to whether or not he's curious about this blog was more or less a great summary of his character - it's my space and he figures i should get to have it to myself.

ps. i have a hot girlfriend.

i didn't take my camera 'cause it was stop one of three for us and i didn't want to have to worry about losing it at stops two or three, so you'll have to rely on others....though if anyone out there has a photo or two that's not too hideous, please email my way thankeeeee xoxo

daft punk is playing at my house

i have big hair for some reason today. i don't really get it - nothing was done differently (well yesterday i slept in so just pinned it in twists while wet (the hair not me) and ran out the door so it's different from that, i guess) but today? no idea.

i've been at work already for almost 45 min 'cause i'm leaving early today. the architect is doing a mb ride up in the whizz so i'm tagging along for kicks and giggles.

heh wow. just had an energy crash full on... it's almost like taking a downer and having it hit you all at once. sort of cool feeling, really, except that i have to be here for another seven hours or so. yeesh. damn my work ethic which makes me come in early when i want to actually leave early... most of the rest of the people i work with just take off. not to mention the fact that i was here for at least an extra hour yesterday.. oh well. not like it isn't rewarded eventually.

ok so i'm bringing the architect to burquitlam for chad's blogger meetup on saturday. this is a little scary to me - like SERIOUS worlds colliding. he knows that i have this thing, but is not so interested in reading it or knowing where it is - he figures it'd be too much like reading my diary. and, of course, he's right. i worry that in a round about way some of his friends may find it, but i guess as long as they respect the fact that he doesn't *want* to know what's here, then we're all good right? riiiiighhhttttt.....

in other news....

i have no idea what i'm going to do about mikeb. i think he's really going to let this woman ruin our friendship. he spent the entire weekend shooting down absolutely everything i said, hasn't answered the two texts i have sent him since we got back, and in all honesty doesn't seem too interested in being my friend anymore. i told him long ago that for me to accept her (someone who's fucked with his head the ENTIRE time i've known him) is akin to me asking him to accept me spending time with crazy jeremy. he, of course, doesn't agree. but in a sense i'm being proven right even as we speak - one of jeremy's favourite tactics was to alienate the women in his life from their friends and support networks. he was such a good manipulator that he could turn any small comment into an 'us against them' scenario. do i know that is what she's doing? no. it just sure seems like it. i've tried really hard to NOT let my feelings about the relationship colour our interaction. but this is hard when he tells my sister and my boss that they are totally back together and it's creating tension between us, before i even *knew* they were back together. if there's tension, he's been generating it, up to this point. now, though, i'm throwing up my hands in frustration.

the other theory that's been posed by some of my guy friends is that he's kinda jealous of the architect. he's never really known me to to be really happy in a relationship and, now that i am, he doesn't quite know how to deal with it. ahh i don't know about this one - i'm not, in any way, jealous of his relationships with women, so why would he be jealous of mine?

mostly i think i'm just going to sit back and let him figure shit out. if he does, wicked. if he doesn't, well, i guess that's the choice he's making. it doesn't have to be a 'her or me' situation - he just seems to want to turn it into one.

which makes me sad, a little.

nothing for a week then three in a row

it's like multiple orgasms - raspberry flavoured ones of course.

No one came up with a better idea than me, which is shocking.

So, Foggy Dew on Sat, no later than 8 pm... Trust me on that one. I'll be
there at 6 pm.

Friday.

Got a spot picked out in the coat check to sleep over.

If you happen to have a blog (haha, nerd) please start letting people know about this through it.

Chad

you know you wanna.

also

nicest thing that has happened since friday morning:

me to architect, face buried in shoulder: "i like waking up with you"
him to me: "yup it's pretty awesome"

the last of the long weekends

i'm so fucking lazy right now and i hate everything. i've got that suspicious jealous me against the world mentality where i'm convinced that everyone is out to get me and i can't trust anyone. family is cold and standoffish; friends are decidedly disinterested and wish they were elsewhere when in my company; architect is.. well i'm not sure.

the one who is far away is trying to convince me that he is who he says but all signs point to otherwise - a little border town where you can order biscuits and gravy and if they have the stuff to make biscuits and gravy well then dammit you can have biscuits and gravy otherwise you are shit out of luck.

my head's all hunter s. i'm off my meds and had kind of a crappy weekend and i don't know if it really was all my fault or if it's just that the people i'm 'friends and family' with are so used to me being easy going and taking whatever shit they lay out that the minute i stand up for myself they accuse me of ruining everything for everyone and how dare i actually resist what they have to say.

oh fuck look she's growing a backbone.

i'm so fucking lazy right now and i hate everything. i want to run through the aisles destroying shit smashing smashing crushing everyone and everything that comes between me and self immolation. someone put me out of my misery 'cause the slow cooker suicide i've embarked upon ain't coming fast enough.