for liars and lies and turns

so it's come to this, has it?

it's finally come to this.

they've moved supernatural to thursday nights. thursdays at ninepm. do you get what i'm saying yet? thursdays at nine. back to back with csi. tonight i was forced to choose between csi warwick brown and dean winchester.

dean won.

warwick just hasn't got what my baby dean does. warwick doesn't have the car the guns the eyes. ok fuck that shit warwick's got the eyes but he hasn't got the edge he doesn't make me tingle in my happy places like dean does. he doesn't blast old school metal with his windows down and that look that look that you know means he's gonna go all night, slip out while you sleep, exhausted from hours of being bent pushed pulled bitten slapped fucked on every available flat surface, and not call you till the next time he rolls through town.

warwick'll be there when you open your eyes capuccino in hand rose between his teeth and kiss you sweetly on the end of your nose. i love warwick brown but man-o-man i LUST dean winchester.

red wine counts as clear fluids, doesn't it?

yeah i thought so.

pffft

to steal raymi's trademark comment on life...

look - i found guy talking about why i should not be confused that guys only want me for a casual hookup 'cause i post half naked pix of myself on the innerweb.

ah fuck it cracked me up - here is the whole thing.

25 peeps

25peeps.com

25 peeps hall of fame

25peeps.com hall of fame voyeurism - this is a link to me (oo notoriety)

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Comments

1.ADAM Web Design
March 30th, 2006 | 12:31 am

One. Why do chicks pose topless, upload the pictures to the internet, and then get pissed off when guys want nothing more than a casual hookup with them?

(I’d post the link to the topless pic in that raspberrysundae profile, but you’d probably be mad if I did.)

2.Aaron Pratt
March 30th, 2006 | 5:11 am

Yep, girls start at an early age marketing their bodies, this lady is 33 and she still gets confused when creepy guys make bizarre comments. It’s kind of sad and pitiful at the same time really.

3.Graywolf
March 30th, 2006 | 7:12 am

oh good I needed something to throw off kilter today …

4.raspberry
March 30th, 2006 | 7:13 am

ah if it were only so easy as to not date guys who have seen my tits on the internet, huh? but since none of the guys i date have ever seen my site, i hardly think your dismissive response qualifies.

don’t forget - this is the internet. making the mistake of assuming how people conduct themselves here and how they conduct themselves in the “real” world is naiive, don’t you think?

i don’t get confused when creepy guys make bizarre comments. i understand that is part of the deal. i get confused when people can’t see the difference between what i look like and who i am.

UPDATE

5.Aaron Pratt
March 30th, 2006 | 7:45 am

Ras - I am glad to see that you do not prostitute yourself and are “aware”. This post was actually to point out a natural marketing potential women have. I maybe should have written a few more words about that yes? You appear to be doing fine in your “real” world and are on top of your game, props to that.

6.raspberry
March 30th, 2006 | 8:06 am

cool thanks - i just didn’t want you to think that i was some deluded bar star who figured that a nice rack was the path to happiness..

it's like i'm psychic, dude

ok remember my emo-ness of the other day? don't let anyone ever tell you that i'm not totally psychic. in chatting with the chef today it came out that he's not interested in being my boyfriend, he's only looking for a casual hookup. so the question is do i WANT another casual hookup, or do i want to tell him to go fuck himself?

furthermore, what the fuck is it with me and finding these men who are just looking for a fuck? like what is it about me? how do i attract them from miles around? i've got some kind of homing device on my ass i swear to god.

like is it really too much to ask to want to meet a guy who isn't looking for a once in a while hookup? is it too much to ask to want to hang out with a guy who actually wants to know *me* - to hang out with *me* not to just fuck some chick with nice tits and a bit of a personality?

i'm a nice person. i'm kind and sweet and caring and fun, and i'm smart and a good cook and i just happen to be into sex too. i think i deserve to meet someone who can appreciate all of those things about me. don't i? is it really too much to ask?

damn right i'm a maniac

all i gotta say is praise the lord for the slack-ass contingency of my friends - those brave souls who sacrifice themselves each day to stay home, sleep in, smoke weed, and surf on the internet. this means they are here to talk to me.

oh also those friends who live in other timezones (specifically the uk) - if you live in this time zone and you have not yet given me your msn, please do so ASAP, because i will probably be here, same time, same place, all day tomorrow and i believe that my local friends are becoming weary of my pilled-up warblings. they're stoners not acid heads. sheesh. what were you thinking?

please note that (aside from the antibiotics) i am taking no medicine which will actually relieve this condition. all of those types of things are verboten, as i have allergy testing on friday. boo. however, painkillers are my friend - just 'cause they take the sharp edges off the day, you know?

i did try to do some work today. it'll be interesting to see what it looks like when i sober up.

i'm desperately looking forward to friday. i have a hair appointment. i SO need a cutncolour 'cause i want to go much blonder so waited and waited between visits so that i could have lots of length for my lovelylovely hairdresser to work with. so stay tuned - could be interesting.

the chef and i have plans for sunday. i am to keep the crackberry close, as he's not sure he can wait that long. he says, and i quote, that i am a fuck star. this makes me smile.

now if i don't get pussy with that story ain't nothin gonna work.

the sturm and the drang

so ciavarro has an incendiary writing style that, if you don't read him regularly, may take you askance on occasion.

in fact, he writes this way on purpose, because (i theorize) he's got some kind of repressed masochistic desires and wants to be slapped.

often he turns this laserbeam of vitriol on the stars of current events like, for example, miss deaf texas, who rocketed to fame by being struck down and killed whilst walking over train tracks. she couldn't hear it coming, i guess.

anyhoo..... ciavarro took some flack from a reader for it, and handed the flack straight back. more interestingly, though, is that this whole exchange has rocketed him to the top of the special interest group blacklist. ragged edge online has seen fit to feature his entry in a condemnation of those in the blogging world who poke fun at the less fortunate.

when mr ciavarro (uncharacteristically, i might add) logged into the msn before nine this morning, i leapt upon the chance to interview him and get his input. below is the transcript of that conversation for your reading delight.

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
you cuffed me on the chin

raspberry is on bedrest says:
i did

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
ow

raspberry is on bedrest says:
in an aw shucks way
raspberry is on bedrest says:
the irony is that the article will get you a whole bunch more readers to piss off but who will keep reading anyway

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
mayyyybe. People who read Ragged Edge Online are probably very tight sphinctered

raspberry is on bedrest says:
so? it’s like the religious reader guy i had for a while
raspberry is on bedrest says:
he totally disapproved but couldn’t stop looking at the naughty pictures and reading the dirty words

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
maybe! I think you understand where I come from, having been familiar with my blog longer than basially anyone... I'm just doing it because I'm falling off my chair laughing
Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
who else picks a fight with an organization dedicated to helping handicaps?!?!

raspberry is on bedrest says:
oh yeah
raspberry is on bedrest says:
i got it
raspberry is on bedrest says:
but then i know you
raspberry is on bedrest says:
you aren’t prejudiced - you hate everyone equally

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
yep. if anyone opens themselves up to mockery, I'll take a shot. Hell, NO ONE makes more fun of me, than me. Nobody comes close! I'm my own worst enemy

raspberry is on bedrest says:
it’s true

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
are you watching the canucks game tonight?

raspberry is on bedrest says:
is it ppv or on tv?

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
ppv

raspberry is on bedrest says:
prolly not ‘cause i’m not supposed to leave the house

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
oh, right.
Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
sucks ass

raspberry is on bedrest says:
yes

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
what did you catch?

raspberry is on bedrest says:
i have a lung infection
raspberry is on bedrest says:
i’m supposed to be on bedrest so it doesn’t turn into pneumonia

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
eww
Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
you have cooties

raspberry is on bedrest says:
ha no sadly i’m not contagious

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
no?

raspberry is on bedrest says:
nope. only a danger to myself

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
so we could make out on the floor, and ingest your nasal drip, and I'd be fine?

raspberry is on bedrest says:
sure if you want

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
gross dude

raspberry is on bedrest says:
hey - your idea

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
I know

raspberry is on bedrest says:
i’m turning this into an interview

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
you are?

raspberry is on bedrest says:
yes

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
how so

raspberry is on bedrest says:
well i’m going to write about the tumult you’ve caused in the special needs world and how you are poised on the brink of a boycott by all sorts of special interest groups and i’m going to take the middle part of our conversation and pretend it was an interview

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
sure, I didn't say much! I'm a bore

raspberry is on bedrest says:
that’s fine
raspberry is on bedrest says:
i’ll be creative

Ciavarro | Paid the Cost to be the Boss says:
I'm not a bore! take that back!

don't wake me i plan on sleeping in

so apparently this nagging cough and/or feeling that i've got someone standing on my chest isn't so much a hayfever/spring cold thing as it is a lung infection/raspberry's on bedrest doctor's orders kind of thing. i'm completely adhd. what the hell am i going to do in bed by myself for days on end?

the chef just called me to see how i was - said he'd bring me soup if i didn't live so bleedin' far away.. so very sad. so very bored.

ok let's play some kind of game, shall we? what kind of game should it be? make something up HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg hahaha

grrr

i feel like calvin when he turns into a tyrannosaur and ravages sandboxes full of matchbox cars and trainset people and salivates profusely with wild eyes.

i'm sick and so fucking emo it hurts me inside. i don't even want to write this i hate MYSELF so much right now. how lame is that? i hate the way i am filled with self-doubt about dating and men liking me. i hate how at the back of my mind, even though i spent two wicked days with this person, all i can think about was that it was all a big scam and he was just playing me. i hate how fucking paranoid i get about this shit. it's so stupid. why do i even care? i hate how i have total trust issues and i hate my crazy exboyfriend for putting them there.

i hate how i want to have chocolate cake and we only had carrot cake, so i ate that anyway, and now i'm going to have a belly ache and it won't be worth it.

i hate how it's so nice out today and i wish i were outside and i'm stuck in here with the kleenex and the fucking voices in my head.

i want to tear the heads off barbie dolls set them on fire and throw them at smiling people.

in somniac

                seven steps to        

electricity

city sleeps while the radio

         ...plays


body rails against
               sleep eyes...
        close

explosions rack         and

        ruin         the


                     
                                        solitude

too wild for words

so i'm trying to think of what to say about this boy i spent the weekend with. i'm trying to figure out how to describe the weird sense of connectedness i feel with him: how with him i feel free to be smart-raspberry and dirty-raspberry and party-raspberry - all of me all at once, not suppress one or two or all three in order to please someone; how i spent a very enjoyable brunch sparring with his best friend about semiotics and the merits (or lack thereof) postmodernism and how he sat there with a huge grin on his face saying 'i LOVE this' the whole time; how he fucked me to the point where i am bruised and tender and sore and would still take off my pants and climb on top of him in a heartbeat right NOW if i had the chance; how i'm totally afraid that he's too good to be true and that any moment now i'm going to wake up and realize i got dropped on my head, or had a really bad allergy attack and am medicated in the hospital having super vivid coma hallucinations; how if i did wake up and find out it was all untrue i'd ask them no BEG them to put me back under so i could find him again in my dreams. but i can't think of what to say, and i don't want to jinx it, so i won't say anything at all, ok?

stumbling through the city

with the ordinary birds. i circled the block for an eternity trying to find a place to land, rolling round the streets in the dark and the rain. drunken pedestrians blocked my way through the nighttime but they didn't know any better.

i heard the lyric as soaring not stumbling and i can't decide which way i like better i said as i came through the door. is there a difference? you responded, putting your hands at my waist and drawing me close i think so. show me.

you took my hand and drew me through the candlelight, eyes bright languid limbs - drew me close to you and i could feel you pressed against me. is there a difference between dancing and fucking? when your eyes are locked together and i can feel you inside me from my pupils to my groin? we lock together at the lips and the waist and the feet your leg between mine mine between yours not knowing where you end and i begin.

I could feel me coming up the stairs behind you, you said, I knew you were there before you walked in the door. it's not often that someone can feel my light, can feel it burning like celestial fire within me. people sometimes know it's there but it scares them, maybe, they don't understand. dallas says commoners drown where the mystics can swim - it's hard to stare at. eclipse sun spots burn out your retinas if you gaze into the light.

you are not afraid. you pick me up and threw me down on the bed, pulled off my pants, my shirt. i undid the buttons at your fly, teased the tip of your cock with my tongue as you watched in the mirror then i blink and you're moving inside me in time with the blues spilling through the candlelight - push my legs back and go deeper, seeking the source of the heat, the life.

you're beautiful, you say, looking down on me with eyes burning bright with a halo of green light. when i close my eyes i can see them swimming together weaving intertwining like two cats dancing in a sliver of moonlight - green and golden fire spiking through a dark cave with handcuffs on the wall, leather cool on the heat of my ass glowing red with the sillouhette of your hand.

surrender to the bold and comely words

OK so my picture is up on the page at 25Peeps!! go click on it!

---------------------------------------------
i sent him a constantines song.

they're like a bastard love child from some unholy union between bruce springsteen (back when he was cool) and tom waits, maybe with a twinkle of neil young lingering like a spark in your mama's eye. i said.

'i think i love you.' he responded. a link flashed on my screen - he was reciprocating.

oh! grady! that's gordie johnson's new band. this is great. did you get to see them last year?

'now i know i love you'

consistent in my inconsistencies

so my cat is obsessed with the bathroom. yes i know this is strange, but he is. he has to sit with me whilst i potty, and likes to watch me shower. he also likes to perch at the edge of the tub while i'm in it and lazily swat at my toes. well last night, shortly after this photo was taken, the towel slipped off the edge and the cat took a dunk.

up to his armpits.

needless to say he was not impressed.

yes, ben, i am posting a photo of my cat. in fact, i'm doing it especially for you and for that fucking terrifying picture of your dog.

so let's talk about this meeting people on the internet idea, shall we? it's an interesting thing, especially for someone who is as cerebral as i am, to meet people through words before you meet them in person - if you ever do. like you can develop a crush on someone, have it peak and fade away before you even know their real name. i know people who've met and married over internet dating services, and there's an older lady at my work (go check out your websters - her name is beside the definition of 'cougar') who regularly regales the men of the office with tales of her lavalife escapades. but that's kind of not what i'm talking about, even as it is exactly what i'm talking about.

i've always been fascinated by this way of communicating. as humans become more and more insulated from the 'real' world - as we become more and more isolated within our cubicles and home offices and computer lives - i think it's going to become more and more important to be able to communicate effectively and honestly in this way.

and when i say honestly i don't mean tell your facts one by one without embellishing the words with gloss and sparkle and shine, i just mean letting the essence of who you are shine through the screen like fingers of sunlight through the clouds.

but i think that often, too, people hide behind the screen hoping that people will get to know them intellectually before they see what they look like in reality - they falsely represent themselves, or don't represent themselves at all (and i'm not talking about people who don't post pictures on blogs so much as i am people who attempt to know you intimately without ever exposing themselves). and sometimes this is because of insecurity and sometimes this is because of maliciousness, but everytime it happens it chips away at the possiblities that lie within this forum of communion between people who are at the farthest flung ends of the universe.

do i have a point? yeah kind of. i think my point is that there are people who let you see through to their inner beauty and share with you the wonder of diversity and creativity that exists in this world. when you find it you should cultivate it and share it with as many people as you can. then the winds will carry the seeds around the planet and this creativity and love will germinate and spread. all of those people in the blogroll over there qualify - even the ones who don't write too much anymore. ryan kicks a drum with words in a way that makes my head spin some days. newly single hasn't written in months but if you go back through his archives you'll find someone who took an unbelievably painful time in his life and dealt with it the best way possible for him - through laughter and writing. but most especially tony qualifies 'cause every day he shows you who he is - ugliness and all - even if everything in the busblog is a lie. and that's what makes him beautiful, and you beautiful, and me beautiful.

xo

my dress is the prettiest

ok so the ultimate in popularity contests is possibly this. the deal is you submit a picture and they link it to your personal website. there are always 25 faces on the homepage - if you get lots of clicks your picture stays up, but every time a new face is added the low man (so to speak) on the totem pole gets booted. (as an aside, i think i'm ill. my left nostril is simultaneously plugged and running. and i just spelled gets "get's" and then had to stare at it for a full five minutes trying to figure out why it looked funny. clearly death is imminent. clearly.)

ug i feel sleepy. maybe more later .

xo

there's a heartbeat missing in the city

this morning as i was driving to work i saw a lady puttin on her eyebrows going 100 in the fast lane. the skilfull majesty of her precision astounded me and i found myself keeping pace alongside as she applied two perfectly arched thin lines to her face, as she accented her eyes with a dark brown ink. her hands had the steadfast precision of a surgeon, a concert pianist, a master craftsman. at 6.30 in the morning i can barely put my car in D and here she is painting the sistine chapel on her forehead.

i have a little sideproject going with dallas ray. we have these long msn conversations that take us to the ends of the universe and back and though what the hell why not make it bigger. so he writes a bit and i write a bit and who knows where it'll go but i know us both and it'll be kinda crazy and kinda dirty and lots of fun - at least for me. so anyway that's why i didn't write to you last night 'cause i was writing there and i was talking on the innerweb to ryan and to w49 and i just can't do that many things at once.

tonight i'll do better - i promise.

and the lovers say - oh, i'm on to you

so i accidentally deleted my template this morning. you know, just in case you happened to notice that things looked a little different. thank god for google caches, 'cause i think i salvaged most of it. the only thing that still looks fucked is the comment stuff but whatevs i'll deal with that another day. what i need to do is copy past it all into my test blog page and then i'll be safe as houses. of course i have a test bloggo don't you? don't you ruminate obsess ponder every single change you make to your format template images?

hm. maybe i am a touch obsessive. well shit i never said i wasn't.

ok so here's a funny thing. i often feel like the odd man out when i'm spending time with the sister and her bf, and our other 'couple' friends. but i never expected to feel like the odd man out with my sister and her bf and my *parents*. like they do couple things together. today they went to costco. during the week they are going to a winencheese. where do i belong in this? i ask myself (as you very well may do as... erm.... well) well, nowhere, clearly.

now don't get me wrong - coscto in richmond on a sunday would make me tear out my hair and killmaimkill people with industrial sized cans of beefaroni. but that's not the point. the point is that i want to be invited so that i can scoff and say nowayhosay and stalk off across the gallery till these pills take control of me.

'cause that's how i role.

one day a year

so ciavarro and i went to the foggy dew (a pseudo irish pub) to celebrate st patrick's day (a pseudo irish holiday). by the time we got there (at 4.30 in the afternoon) it was already standing room only, so we made friends with two older gentlemen who had a table to themselves and sat with them. we had to explain to them how we met - how do you explain to people that don't blog, don't understand, that you met through your website and became friends without sounding like a)a total geek or b)a bit of a freak. anyhoo, the one fellow has a son close to my age who is coming to visit from england and so he asked for my website address. so i have it to him. the poor guy probably went home, flipped through the pictures, and promptly tore up the url. nice guys.

i did manage to liberate a very nice guinness pint glass for mr.c. he's probably forgotten where it came from, by now, so let's make something up, shall we?

i took the buzznet tshirt out for beers - it's green you see. the way it fits and the placement of the logo draws the eyes straight to my tah-tahs, which is kind of fun. it's cool how many people actually know what buzznet is. or pretend to know what buzznet is. or pretend to *not* know what buzznet is so that they have an excuse to stare straight at my tits as they pretend to listen to me explain it. ah the wiley ways of drunken 19 year old boys....

i've got a headache, still. i swear i've had it all week. was sitting in my boss'office talking with her and a colleague yesterday and they were speculating how it must be some kind of bug 'cause they've had one too. i pointed out that this particular bug may actually just be stress. i'm just sayin'. plus i don't have my mouthguard yet and i woke up this morning with my jaw clenched so tight that i actually had to massage my mouth open. good times.

anyway, i'd best finish my coffee and get dressed for yoga. it's really a beautiful day out - maybe i'll take the camera out today. that or i could venture downtown to get tickets to see the constantines or the subways. hmm choices choices...

xo

god bless tony pierce

so at the end of a day that i thought couldn't be redeemed.. at the end of a day in which i had pretty much decided to shut down my site.. at the end of a day that i thought would never end.. i came home to find presents from tony pierce and was reminded that i've met some amazing people because of my blog and that i really love doing this. i guess that you have to take a little bad with the good sometimes, and i should be thankful for all of the amazing folks who stop by here every day, every week, or once in a while.

xo

i spent the whole day listening to CBC radio3 on the innerweb and it was wicked to hear unbelievable unknown canadian music. unbelievable 'cause i can't figure out why the fuck it's not known not played in regular rotation on every radio station across the universe. go listen - screw your it guys yelling at you for yanking bandwidth. it's canada, man. it's worth it.

it's not a put down i put my foot down

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."

a philosophy clearly evidenced here in the sundae sanatorium of late.

i generally put on this tough-as-nails show. the world slides on by me slipsliding away along the sidewalk floating softly through your atmosphere not mine 'cause who the fuck are you coming into my world messing up my hair getting muddy footprints on my carpet take your ass and shovel on off down the road motherfu...

i'm not so much like that though. i'm super conscientious and i try and make people happy and be sunshiny and nice all the time. therefore, this whole flame war thing has really bothered me over the last couple of days. from now on my attitude will be to just delete the comments and block the ip addresses of anyone who is deliberately hurtful to any of the other bloggers or regular visitors to this site. i don't want to live work or play in that kind of environment and i won't facilitate it here.

ok i'm done now.

xo

i must be out of my head

ok to sum up, i am responsible for:

1. the breakup of german's relationship and the destruction of the crazy lady's life
   
2. the breakup of all of NK's future relationships
   
3. the breakup of j-mo's relationship
   
4. claire's unfortunate celibacy
   
5. the war in iraq
   
6. tony pierce's soulmate's move to africa
   
7. the poor rail service in all of England
   
8. ben missing the catfight
   
9. the end of Brad & Jen's marriage
   
10. also Nick & Jessica
    
11. Tom & Kate Cruise's alien baby
    
12. Isaac Hayes leaving South Park
    
13. the most recent rolling stones tour
    
14. the death of don knotts
    
15. the death of chris farley
    
16. the death of disco
    
17. the mediocrity of the new strokes single
    
18. the dick cheney rifle incident
    
19. my *own* unfortunate celibacy
    
20. artboy's repressed homosexuality
    
21. electrosean's perverse fascination with the mentally challenged
    
22. spo's appendicitis
    
23. the cancellation of arrested development
    
24. also firefly
    
25. james' frey's humilation of oprah winfrey
    
26. the fall of the soviet union
    
27. the sinking of the titanic
    
28. gigli
    EDIT
    
29. the death of Slobodan Milosevic
    
30. the current suck factor of the canucks
    
31. 8 months of rain in vancouver
    
32. hurricane katrina
    
33. another season of american idol
    
34. ben mulroney

did i miss anything?

going going gone

so on valentines day this year, a fellow named kevin moyer emailed me to say hi and mention that he liked visting us here at the sundae sanatorium - which was super nice of him 'cause let's not kid my valentine's day was uneventful at best.

i meant to link to him then, but forgot.

he's involved in this super cool project called live from nowhere near you, which benefits the charity outside in. kevin, along with some of his friends, has put together a 75 minute compilation disk - proceeds going to support homeless & streetyouth programs. some pretty cool artists have loaned their talent to this disk - squirrel nut zippers, the stars, gus van sant, mike mccready & stone gossard of pearl jam...

anyway - go to the site and give it a listen. maybe even pick one up. send other people. it's a cool idea for a totally worthy cause.

xo

somebody's a little jealous of nothing

ok so german's exgirlfriend is a little jealous:

Who the fuck said it was okay for you to send your nasty ass to my boyfriend?! Well now that he's single, feel free to send him whatever boring nasty pics of yourself you want. But you might want to consider getting a nose job before u send a pic of the face. Oh, and if I sound mean and insensitive, well it's because you're both a couple of assholes and you deserve each other!

note how she didn't leave an email address or a phone number or even her real name in order for me, or anyone else, to retort.

jess, i have a couple of things to say to you. 1) guess what? i'm not sleeping with your exboyfrend and i'm not planning on sleeping with your exboyfriend. he's a nice guy - we have some fun conversations. i'd even go so far as to say i consider him a friend. end of story. 2) i'm not an asshole. you don't know me well enough to make that character assessment so keep your jealous ravings to yourself. 3) if you are going to bitch, leave an email address so i can bitch back. 4)sweetie let's see a photo of you - i'll put it up and we can let the people decide who's cuter, ok? 5) grow the fuck up.

who are you?

this post was published exactly eight months ago today, on the now-defunct fookthepeople.blogspot.com. german's still writing, just on a new site and i was thinking about this post and kind of missed it. so here it is:

who indeed, says the raspberry. german issued me two challenges - be as explicit as possible, he said, then questioned my use of an alias in my blog.

i'm going to address the second point first, 'cause i'm just that kind of girl.

while raspberry sundae is not, i assure you, a name my parents blessed me with (far to conservative for that, they are (yoda say)), it is kind of who i am. raspberry is the part of my personality that is pink and girly and sensitive and passionate and fiery - all things which make for good reading, i figure. of course, i'm not entirely objective at this juncture. it's early goshfukkit, and i've only had half a cup of coffee (and half a cup of BLACK coffee, at that, 'cause i'm trying to go lower fat lower sugar. how dull is that?) (at this point german is rolling his eyes and shaking his head, wondering what he's gotten himself into. 'come on, girl', he's thinking. 'enough with the soft serve, on with the soft core!')

ANYhoo.... so i go by raspberry in my blog (and sometimes in the 'real world') because i do sort of want to remain at least partially anonymous. i want the raspberry side of me to be free to talk about what she wants, when she wants, with little fear of people she knows googling my real name and finding out all about me doing the dirty dirty on the hood of a car when i 'stepped out for a breath of fresh air' while out at a club. think of it this way - the reason that masquerades are so popular is because behind the mask you are free to construct, reconstruct, and deconstruct the boundaries which are created by you and for you. so i shall hold on to my mask, at least for a little while.

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last week on the radio they were doing one of those poll things where they ask the listeners questions about their sex lives as a way of boosting ratings. it never fails to amaze me what people will say when you give them an audience and a means of expressing themselves anonymously (*ahem*). the question was "what's the shortest amount of time you've gone between meeting someone and having sex with them?" i think the shortest reported was half an hour or somesuch - and the guy took a bit of a ribbing, i gotta say.

half an hour. lightweight.
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that night, the party was in an old community center on the outskirts of the city. the crowd was a mix of downtown party kids and bored local kids who'd heard the music and were looking for a way of passing a saturday night that didn't involve sitting around a bonfire, shotgunning beers on the tailgate of a truck. this was early early days in the party scene (in our world anyway) - there was only e, or acid, or mushrooms, and maybe a little coke, but no meth or k or g. innocent, you know? we were all still getting to know each other, and the rush of the drugs still came on with fingertips dancing across your skin and a goldrush brush of goosebumps.

the doors were flung open to the summer night. we'd been having rainstorms on and off for a couple of days - real rainstorms, too - none of this vancouver everpresent omnipotent wetness - sudden outbursts of water and wind and on the good days a little thunder to remind you that the gods weren't necessarily pleased with the way the world was ending. i was on the floor with den and matty, my own fingers tangled up in my hair at the base of my head, giving myself shivers of sensation in time with the music. i wandered over to the door to get a breath of air - the room was almost oppressive with sweet smoke and dancing - with bodies and hormones and beer. he was leaning on the doorframe, alternately watching the dancers and the rain, a slight smile on his lips. i looked at him as i walked past - made eye contact and got that little rush of chemistry you feel when two people zap connect pulse with mutual energy. the parking lot was mud and the moon was out despite the storm. i stepped outside and lifted my hands to the air, eyes closed, exultant in the sweet coolness of the night sky. he came up behind me, put his hands on my waist, squeezed a little and lifted me off my feet, so slightly. we're moving to the music, now, bass thumping off the cars, lights flashing through the open door. i spun away, dancing dancing in the rain. somebody (monte?) looked out - saw us there, pushed a speaker to the opening so the music came through. i turned and looked at him over my shoulder - he tilted his head to one side, assessing me, maybe wondering how far i was willing to go. i let him chase me around the corner, away from the door and the cars, away from the people but still close enough that i could hear the music, still close enough that it could be dancing. when he caught me this time i stayed caught - my fingers wrapped up in my hair again (still?), he pushed me against the building and trapped my hands behind my head. hot kisses on my neck, grabbing my lower lip in his teeth and biting just...enough...to..hurt. he wrapped one hand around my wrists, holding them firm behind me and grabbed my earlobe in his mouth. 'do you want it?' he breathed, more to himself than to me. i bit his chest through his shirt, didn't bother to answer. he pushed up against me – more forcefully, now. i could feel him through his shorts, through the thin fabric of my dress. he reached down with his free hand and traced the curve of my ass up from my leg to my back, under the skirt...gave a squeeze...his lips on my lips kissing kissing with a ferocity driven by need and haste...pulled my panties to the side undid his pants and was..in. i wrapped a leg around his waist, pushing myself against him, using my shoulderblades on the wall for leverage. his hand cupped my ass pulling me in close, moving with the beat of the records reverberating through the wall. i could hear people around the corner, people talking and laughing, dancing in the rain, but it was as if they were from a distance - as though i had stepped through a curtain of reality into this alternate place where nothing mattered but the taste of salt on his skin and the feel of his cock inside me.

when it was done, i went back inside and found den on the dancefloor. she reached up and touched my cheek, gave me a little kiss on the lips. "where'd you go? you're all wet." "just needed some air."

twisting your mind smashing your dreams

so i finally took a picture of my bottom for poor mr wolf he's been waiting patiently (*ahem*) for some time now.

so anyway i haven't been holding out on him for any reason other than i have trouble taking pictures of my whole ass (hence the blurryblur). not to mention i have what we commonly refer to in the land of the sundae as a "lack-thereof-an-ass". this is why i love those little shorty-short fundies: the way they are cut gives me the illusion of having an ass.

speaking of my posterior, i had it kicked at yoga this morning. that bum you are looking at is a weary post-yoga bum. the teacher warned us that he was feeling particularly energetic today, and that if we couldn't keep up to just keep our own time.

i kept up.

my arms are sore, my ass is sore, my hamstrings are sore and i have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow my pecs are going to be really sore.

i am currently facing a bit of a yoga centred conundrum. you see, i have (to borrow an expression from an otherwise lacklustre newspaper columnist) a bit of granola in my sushi. which is to say that somewhere inside of me lies dormant a small hippy. she doesn't usually speak much - just pipes up now and again to encourage me to drink water not pop, to talk me into taking my own shopping bags to the market, and to sign up for yoga classes.

today she woke up and started campaigning for us.. i mean ME.. to go on a weekend yoga retreat at the beginning of june. "it'll be fun!" she says. "so relaxing!" needless to say this is not sitting well with my rockstar side. "yoga retreat?" she scoffs. "fuck that shit! lets go do vodka shots off a male stripper. or a female stripper - yeah! even better!"

they've been arguing back and forth about it all afternoon. i'm, frankly, quite interested to see who's gonna win out in the end.

and another

why raspberrysundae? (bigtrav)

well if we were to ask saussure he would say that 'raspberrysundae' is an arbitrary designation - a signifier which has absolutely no real connection to me, the girl (the signified).

jung would say that it raspberrysundae is a symbol which allows me to experience my unconcious, allowing me to harmonize with the archetypal forces of the universe.

freud would recognize raspberrysundae as a manifestation of my id - my primitive sexual impulses which require instant gratification and release.

simone de beauvoir would say that raspberrysundae is the essence of who i was before i conformed to the standards and behaviours which society expects a 'normal' woman to embody if she desires acceptance.

foucault would ask whether or not raspberrysundae complies with the rules of meaning - if it does, it may mean something. if it does not, it means nothing at all.

umberto eco would say that raspberrysundae is a field of meaning rather than a string of meaning - it is an open, dynamic text. it does not limit the mind to a single thread of interpretation.

i think i agree with eco. what about you?

questioning my sanity

tony pierce you may be the perfect man. xo

ok here we go (in chronological order)

1. What is in your purse *right now*? (k-lo) I think it says a lot about a woman (or man if you carry a man-bag like Joey). i answered this on the other day but for the sake of continuity i'll do it again.i have this cool stripey bag that is big enough to hold my laptop, so i pack it around with me to work and back but will downsize when i go out-out.I have a paperback, my digicam, a little pink & orange notebook, a pen, a little bag packed full of lipgloss, more lipgloss, hand lotion, a small bottle of bath&bodyworks vanilla body spray, gum, a turquoise mat&nat vegan wallet, red leather gloves, emergency allergy medicine, and usually my cellphone and blackberry (but they're on the desk beside me).
   
2. what are you three favourite items that start with the letter "C"? (gracie) ok i answered this one, too. chocolate, coffee and cupcakes, though technically the kiddo's real name starts with 'c' so he takes the cake. or the cupcake, as the case may be...
   
3. what day are we going for drinks next week? (ciavarro) friday 'cause i don't have to work on saturday morning. :)
   
4. can we have more 'you in your underwear' photos? (screetus) - tell you what - i'll take more underwear pictures if you send me a pair of transmegacorp panties - preferably of the thong flavour. i'll model 'em for you. i am, however, running out of shots i can take on my own so i either have to buy a tripod or recruit an assistant.
   
5. which colour crayon would best describe your personality and why? (pauly) - probably lemon yellow, 'cause i got sunshine on the inside. interestingly, every guy i've dated in the last five years has ended up calling me sunshine as a nickname. oh man! i've just figured it out! i've got a decrepit lovelife because of an international plot developed in a topsecret gym locker to secretly drive me insane with an unsated sexdrive! it's a conspiracy! someone call michael moore!
   
6. what is your favourite time of day and why? (b) - twilight. i love the silvery light that hides in the crevice between night and day. it's not one or the other, but somewhere in between. magic time.
   
7. waffles or pancakes? (the holywriter) - waffles 'cause just the other day i found vegan toaster waffles. wooo - another breakfast food i can eat! if anyone has a good pancake recipe which involves no eggs, dairy or bananas, shoot me an email and i may revise my choice.
   
8. four places which i have seen which spo should see (spo) - 1) just southeast of pee gee, in the macgregor mountain range, there is this spot you can hike to and camp. it's a meadow perched on the saddle between two mountains. from this vantage point you can watch the sun set in the west over the macgregor range, and watch it rise to the east over the rockies. amazing. 2) dunluce castle in northern ireland - the sense of history is overwhelming. 3) the cliffs of mohr in county clare, ireland. yeah it's touristy, but if you climb over the guardrail and stand at the edge on a clear day you can watch the sun dance in the waves and see the seagulls flying in and out of the rock formations hundreds of feet below you. the birds are BELOW you. so cool. 4)knoxville, tennessee - i don't know what it is about knoxville, but i love it there. it's this super old southern city with so much of the grand old spanish style architecture. the downtown core is being revitalized with lofts and yuppie coffeeshops but the old city looks like something out of a movie. go see it before it's just another generic american city.
   
9. what would you do to live the life you always wanted?(minako) sell everything and go live really simply in the mountains by the water, then find some way to support myself which involves books and words and quietly looking out the window for long stretches of time.
   
10. what cool band haven't i heard of yet? (tomkr) - now that's a really tough question, seeing as how you and i have never met and i have no idea of your socioeconomic status, your country of origin, or your favourite flavour of toothpaste. i shall have to cheat by going to look at your site. one moment - ok i'm going to say the constantines. if you have heard of them, well good. if not, you should rectify that toot-sweet.
    
11. what would happen if i became famous for destroying dick cheney? (panopticon) - well, since it's probably a given that i'd be a wanted woman (not like i'm not already)(ha), i like to think that we could establish an underground railroad of bloggers and spirit me down through the states and central america to costa rica, where i'd open up a surfing hostel, bake for all of my guests, and invite you all to come visit.
    
12. what have i done that i'm ashamed of, if anything (j-mo) - i had an affair with a married man. i'm not so much ashamed for doing it, as i was single so to me that means i'm free to sleep with whomever i choose. what i'm ashamed for is causing pain to other people. that really bothers me.
    

fun questions! thanks guys!

you're just as boring as everyone else

ok enough of the bullshit navel-gazing.

i am glad he was honest - my ego was just bruised and it hit me at an inopportune moment. but it's over now (well until the next time anyway) so let's move on.

wanna play the question and answer game? just 'cause i'm at work and don't have much time to put up a 'real' post? you ask the questions and i'll supply the answers...

ok... go!


oh ps - thank you for all of the wonderfully supportive comments. he must be gay. =)

why'd ya have to get so fucking useless

email from artboy waiting in my inbox this afternoon (i asked if perhaps he wanted to do something this weekend):

thanks for the invite... but to be to the point, i don’t see this developing into a romantic relationship for me. You are fun and i enjoy chatting and spending time with you but i guess i have been standoffish because i don’t want to lead you on. What can I say... attraction is not a choice. i’m completely open to being buds – i do definitely need some more cool female friends! my last girlfriend chased all my old ones off! lol i have several guy friends you may be interested in so keep the option open.

talk to you later...

you cannot hide or ever put it away

when mikeb was in thailand he got me this pretty pretty wrap so i took off all my clothes and took pictures of myself with it.

i'm not sure if he'll see this as a fitting token, since he kind of views me as a non-sexual sponge type creature, but fukkit i did it anyway.

wtf?! supernatural isn't on this week. how does *that* work? don't they know that i need my weekly dean fix? it's just not right..

yesterday tony pierce wrote about his soulmate and how she's gone to africa and reading it made me pensive.

yesterday, ben (i think, if not i apologize) asked me if i was really as tough as i appeared. truthfully, i'm really not. this isn't how i imagined it would be, you know? this isn't how i pictured myself at 33 back when i was a little girl playing dress-up and running through the forest in mock battles and hiding under the big birch tree in our front yard sipping juice, eating homemade chocolate chip cookies and reading nancy drew.

sure i never wanted to get married have kids get a dog buy a station wagon but i also don't think that my eight year old mind realized i was going to be alone for most of my adult life.

i've been with a lot of men.

i've got some amazing friends.

i've got a wonderful family who i'd do anything for.

my son is the light of my life and without him i'd be less of a woman.

but some days... some days knowing that nobody is going to meet me at the door with a glass of wine; that no one is going to listen to me when i fret about work or traffic or money and kiss me on the end of the nose and tell me they love me and make me not care about those petty little things.. some days knowing that isn't going to happen makes me sad.

and lost.

and lonely.

and today is one of those days.

i've never known what's good for me

there is nothing quite as good for the soul as having lunch with a cute boy, then taking your dog for a walk on a windy windy day and watching her chase birds and bark at driftwood and lie in the mud panting happily, knowing that in ten minutes she's going to be crawling all over the inside of your car.i think that i may very well have the cutest dog on the planet. she's eleven years old, but still runs like she's a puppy. it's just that the next day she sometimes has trouble getting on and off the couch.

oh wait, what was that? did i say that i had lunch with a cute boy? yes, it's true - art boy logged in this morning and was chatting away to me. he works from home so is pretty much always on line. i talked him into taking a lunchbreak with me so we walked over to ouisi bistro to hang out. i think he likes me - he spent a lot of time looking into my eyes, and let me feed him a spoonful of my blackbean soup - but when we got back to his house and it was time for him to go in and me to my car, i got a hug but still no damn kiss.

le sigh.

oh, hey. i took a whole bunch of outside type photos. take a little looky-loo at my buzznet account.

your words and my words and they keep coming

raspberry has a crush on you says:
do you know that most of the people i know here have never seen the northern lights?

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
that's insane

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
don't tell them about them

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
then they'll want to see them!

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
and they'll take over all our sweetassed places

raspberry has a crush on you says:
tell who about what?

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
the people that don't know about the northern lights

raspberry has a crush on you says:
ahh
raspberry has a crush on you says:
they're hard to describe

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
it's weird to explain anyway eh
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
yeah
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
it's like yeah every now and then all these colours come into the sky

raspberry has a crush on you says:
ayup

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
you sound like a drug addict

raspberry has a crush on you says:
and they move and dance like they are alive
raspberry has a crush on you says:
and then they disappear

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
and so you honk your horn to get them to dance with you
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
or you yell or holler and they respond
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
and then they fade and move on

raspberry has a crush on you says:
get bored with your games and find someone new

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
yep

raspberry has a crush on you says:
like an inconstant lover

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
other places to see people to meet
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
those are the best ones

raspberry has a crush on you says:
yup

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
fuck me once and i'll love you forever, fuck me steady and i'll remember that time period

and the parodies keep on comin'

can you feel that? ahhhh shit...

so last night we went to watch pay-per-view ufc down at the shark club. we got there at about 6pm and it was already standing room only but we kept hour eyes peeled for the obvious korn fans and scooped a table out from under several other groups of people as soon as some got up to leave.

i think only the size of the sister's bf stopped us from participating in our own title matchup, but, let's not kid, i coulda held my own.

*ahem*

anyway, helloooo sausage fest. men everywhere, testosterone and alcohol oozing from every orifice. when i got up to powder my nose i made the mistake of *not* covering my ass with my hands and got it grabbed twice. but, and get this, the best part of the night was that, for the first time ever in my life, there was a line for the men's room and not the ladies. how fucking cool was that? and *every* single woman who entered the bathroom crowed with delight at this wonderous paradigm shift.

i know that there are people out there who really dislike mixed martial arts fights and really object to the violence of the sport. i figure men have been kicking the crap out of each other since they were sentient enough to form a fist - may as well put 'em in a ring where there's a doctor present, a ref to keep things from getting out of hand, and they can't hurt anyone but each other.

and, to be honest, it's less violent than most of the lacrosse games i've ever seen.

after the fights we hit up the tokyo lounge to do a little dancing. dude the club fashion was so eighties i couldn't even handle it - double belts, off the shoulder shirts, super high pointy toed heels, teased hair. as i said to the sister as i watched one pretty young thing walk by "i'm pretty sure i wore that outfit to the teen club once". she laughed. i was dead serious. the only things missing were the ankle socks and lace fingerless gloves.

le sigh.

lost in the forest to be cut adrift

it's official.

my bedroom looks like my closet and my dresser went on a tequila bender and vomitted clothing over every surface - horizontal or otherwise. how lame am i? how OLD am i? why is it that i can't keep my bedroom tidy?

so i went on a date the other night. i've been talking to this guy for a while, but we've never gotten around to actually doing anything till thursday. weird, huh? anyway, thursday night we went down to the art gallery to check out an exhibit by a canadian artist named brian jungen. he takes post consumer goods and creates these unbelievably cool sculptures - such as tribal masks fashioned from old nike running shoes, or these amazingly wonderous bowhead whale skeletons made from white plastic lawn chairs.

the biggest one is suspended about seven feet off the floor. i stood underneath it and gazed down the length - wondering at the way the vertebrae undulated gracefully away from me. i wanted to reach out and run my hands down it as i walked forward. would it make a noise? would the plastic lawnchairs resonate with sound? would the whale sing to me?

i didn't do this, though, and i didn't take pictures, because for some reason the gallery blue-coats watch me like a hawk whenever i am there. i'm not kidding - they follow me from room to room, and when i leave one area another guard picks up the tail faster than you can say million dollar heist.

all i could think of as i stood there was that this thing needed wings.
maybe that's why whales are nearly extinct. god forgot to give them wings.

the date was fun - awkard at first, as they always are, but soon settled into laughter and stories.

the wine helped, too, i'm sure.

but he didn't kiss me. he hugged me and asked if i'd like to do it again, but he didn't kiss me goodbye. is that a bad sign?

anniversary two

(with apologies to tony)

one year ago:

anniversary
so it was a year ago today that the kiddo went into the hospital. kind of a fucked up anniversary, but it resonates regardless. i don't want to talk about it, but i do. i've been counting down all week, for some reason - i knew it was coming and i've studiosly avoided writing anything 'cause i knew that it would come out - how scared i am to go to sleep tonight, and how afraid i am that he's still all fragile on the inside even though he *seems* so much better and so much stronger and so much more together. or maybe it's just me that is fragile on the inside, still, even though i seem so much stronger and seem so much better and seem so much more together. but i guess i am those things, at least a little bit.

i love my kid more than life itself. (i just wanted to say that out loud, cause love is magic and saying the word casts a spell and takes me out of time and place and makes it not this day) and i know you are saying "of course you do - he's your son". but it sometimes amazes me that it's possible to feel something for someone in a way that is so strong and so true.

anyway, i'm gonna go crawl into bed, and leave my door open tonight. the dog will crawl in beside me and i think that i need that. goodnight, kiddo, and goodnight to all the kids, all of you out there in the world who feel that you are alone. tonight you should know that you aren't - i'm staying awake to watch over you all.

i find a darkened corner 'cause still i miss someone

so ciavarro is doing a 'girls of blogdom' calendar and didn't put me on his wishlist for calendar girls.

needless to say, i'm crushed.

add to this the fact that dean simon has given up sex for lent and i felt it time to post some semi-naked photographs.

ah fuck who'm i kidding? any time is a good time for semi-naked photographs.

yes indeedy i have a date tomorrow night. to go to the art gallery. how very civilized. this is one of the random men i've met somewhere in my travels, who just happened to keep in touch with me via the ehm-ess-ehn. i haven't seen him since, haven't talked to him on the phone till tonight, and (to be quite honest) can't really remember what he looks like.

so meeting up tomorrow evening should be interesting.

mind you, he has the benefit of seeing my msn photo, which is currently the tongue photo from below. so perhaps i'll just stand on the steps of vag with my mouth open.

yeah, that'll work.

*ahem*.

sheesh speaking of work it's been kicking my ass this past couple of weeks. everybody is all worked up and running on too much coffee and not enough sleep and i've been sleeping poorly 'cause all night long my brain is running with lists of the stuff i have to do the next day, and when i actually do sleep my jaw is locked so tight you'd think i was a pitbull in a daycare. in the morning i explode out of bed, rip the contents of my dresser and closet all over the place (note the evidence there behind me), somehow manage to make myself presentable, and hit the road. yesterday i forgot my watch, the ring i never leave the house without, and to take my meds.

today i think i managed to get out with everything in hand.

yay, me.

if it weren't for bags of baby carrots and grapes from costco, i'd probably starve to death.

**edit** ciavarro has told me that it wasn't a *wishlist* it was a *reserve* list, and that the calendar is first come first served. i may still have a spot, yet. i hope i get august.