holy fuck i'm bored

what the heck has made this evening stretch so interminably? my god i think i may die of sheer boredom. bleh.

i've eaten. i've baked. i've made my lunch. i've set my clothes out for tomorrow. i've tried to distract people who are actually being productive. now the only thing left to do is kill time till csi starts.

yawn.

i don't like mondays

man oh man. where to begin? so friday began another downsweep on the raspberry express. mr m was off on a bad mood bender, and i happen to be the most available recipient of his ill karma. so.... mike be scooped me up and rushed me up to the land of *real* fall - red leaves and woodsmoke; foggy mornings and crisp, sunny afternoons; sweaters shed in the afternoon warmth; really big trucks and bigger mulletts.

i spent the better part of saturday evening sitting on a swing in evening air redolent with the scent of autumn, listening to the wind rustle through the fallen leaves and watching the full (or nearly full) moon. andrea and i sat there and talked and talked and talked... man i miss that girl.

we came back through the ranchlands - up the switchbacks on the logging roads; through the lowhanging trees heavy with fall foliage; down the cuts; across the fields full of grazing cattle. i've never gone that way. all these years of living in bc and i've only ever driven between pg and lotusland the one way - down the highway through the canyon. man i love this province - i love knowing that one right hand turn will take you into the backcountry and that you can travel from vancouver straight through to quesnel that way. i love seeing ranches that are probably completely inaccessible once it snows. i'm attracted to this pastoral isolation and history on a molecular level. my grandpa used to be an avid reader of bc history - his favourites being the stories of the ranchers and trappers and otherwise leathery characters who settled central and northern british columbia. i spent my spring and summer breaks at their house, devouring the stories of the people who settled this province. seeing the ranches perched on the bluffs in the trees brings me back to their house, to my own history.

andrea and jp are thinking of buying property in a fairly isolated part of north-eastern bc. this works well with jp's career, and their desire to bring up their (not so distant) children in a place where they can learn respect and love for an outdoor life. andrea's a little worried - she's a city girl, too, and loves the culture and life and vibrancy that is the urban environment. i don't know if i could do it - i looked at those isolated ranchlands and thought of the lives of their inhabitants, closed off from the outside worlds for as long as the mountain roads are closed by snow. i'm not sure i can keep myself company that well for that long. and how many books would i have to buy in october to see me through to spring?

ok

i think i fixed it. was a virus or a tracking thing or something. i hope anyway. was really freaking irritating...

HEY!

what the fuck is up with the nt search links in my blog? how the fuck do i make them go away?

flip flop

so he makes up his mind, then he changes it again. then he makes it again. then he changes it again. then i'm getting phone calls from the third party in this matter saying awful things about me - things that contain information that only he could have given her. he apologizes, says she twisted facts and took info out of context. says its over and we can't see each other. then sneaks out of the house and calls me a few hours later to tell me how he just can't stay away from me and what a beautiful person i am, and how he just wants to put his arms around me and comfort me and make it all ok.

he figures that since he keeps coming back to the decision that he wants to stay, that he should stay. i say, fair enough, but ask him if he doesn't think it is just as telling that every time he "makes" that decision he is completely miserable and "unmakes" it within a couple of days? he feels he owes her for forgiving him. i told him the only thing he owes her is honesty in his words and his actions. he owes it to himself to make a decision that he can truly live with and that will truly make him happy, and stick to it.

all aboard the raspberry rollercoaster for another spin? actually folks, i'm getting a little sick and think i just want to get off.

weird

so something strange happened today. while i was sitting here at my laptop, my msn logged me out, saying that i'd logged in at another computer. my pc was sitting here beside me, notable in its off-ness. so i promptly changed my password. i left it on while i went out for the evening, then came back to find myself logged out and unable to log back in because of too many unsuccessful attempts. verra strange...

sundae's horoscope

"It appears as if you have the whole world in the palm of your hand, and all of humanity is more than willing to dance to your tune. As the stars change position, you have the uncanny ability to make the situation work to your advantage without appearing to lift a finger. Enjoy the situation to its utmost -- sooner or later, even you will want to let someone else run the show while you take a break"

new stuff

by the way... check out the sidebar. i've added a few fun links.

pensive sundae ix

i love listening to the rain outside my window. which, i suppose, is a good thing, considering where i live. the other night i was lying in the tub in the dark, with the big window open, listening to the biggest rainstorm we've had in months. it was so soothing... there's nothing like the sound of running water to really bring me back to earth. strange for a fire sign, huh?

everybody is talking, lately, about the advent of fall... crisp cool mornings, leaves on the ground, brisk walks... i miss fall up north- you'd wake up in the morning and the world is covered in frost and sunshine, and the air is kissed with a hint of wood smoke. by mid morning the air has warmed and you are wondering what possessed you to bring this warm sweater. my favourite thing about fall, though, is the puddles that were not very deep - they've frozen into this thin layer of glass the consistency of movie windows. when you step on them they shatter and crack into a thousand pieces and the sound resonates through the morning and the water has magically disappeared. i used to walk on the street rather than the sidewalk on my way to school - the best place to find these little heavens is right against the curb in the rain gutter. my sister and i would race to see who got to crack them first.

what will be my new beginning this fall? it is funny because for most of the summer i thought i knew... within the last month all of that has changed, and changed, and changed again. i want to crack the ice on my life... shatter it with my red boots and race to the next puddle, till the surfaces on the path are no longer smooth and serene and the water can rush back in. i want to unwrap the warm scarf from my neck and lift my face to the unwarm sunshine. i want to undo my coat and let the chill air run its fingers over my skin, lifting my nipples and the hair on my arms and reminding me i'm alive.

hot feet

when my feet are hot, i can't sleep. does anyone else have that problem? and what, exactly, causes it? why is it that the rest of my body is completely normally temperatured, and my feet are on *FIRE*? so irritating. i was awake forever last night - could not cool my feet off to save my life. i stood on the cold tile, i sat them in a sink full of cold water - nothing. this must be some kind of warning sign for a dire medical condition. diagnosis, please.

this thing with (***) is still rolling around in my head. he's caught between his two worlds, trying to make a decision between what makes him happy and what he feels like he *should* be doing. i still hold to my opinion that he's going to stick with his responsibilities. that's the kind of person he is. but i shall be heartbroken (again, still). i really love him a lot. wow. there's so much feeling present. i generally ask people i know who are in long-term successful relationships how they knew the person they are with is the one they should be with. invariably, the answer is 'you just know'. the funny thing is that with (***) i know. how do i reconcile that? how do i come to terms with the fact that the person i feel SO much for, that the person i feel safe with and comfortable with and *ME* with will probably choose to be with someone whom he feels less than that for, because things with her 'aren't that bad'. he will choose the easy road because it's, well, easy. makes me really angry.

he went to see a counsellor the other day who told him that he was just addicted to me. this has got to be some kind of breach in counselling ethics - is our culture so marriage-centric that this person honestly would rather assume that his feelings for me are pathological rather than that there is something missing in his marriage, or, even closer, that I am someone special who has stumbled into his life and who he actually does have genuine, intense, passionate emotion for? i was so angry when he told me that - his wife is, of course, going to latch onto the idea that he's addicted to me and therein lies the difficulty in the marriage, rather than assume responsibility for her role in the decline. it shifts all of the blame and guilt onto him (and me, cause i am now no better than heroin or crack) and leaves him with the sole responsibility for 'fixing' something which may very well not be broken, just not *right* anymore.

hmm deep thoughts for a sundae morning. i'm obviously spending too much time by myself again.

bronte parte ?

ok so i'm back to feeling a little bronte. there's not really a unkymood that particularly covers it, though.... maybe goth, but i *am* feeling a little childish today, so i will leave it as is.

i am going to be impoverished for the next god-knows-how-long... my car broke down on the way home the other night and it is going to cost me literally thousands of dollars to fix. is the car worth it? well, i can't particularly afford a newer one, since i haven't actually finished paying for this one, so it kind of has to be. and i can't very well quit my job, or i won't be able to pay for this one OR fix it. but i did have some 'if i stepped in front of this speeding truck my insurance would pay off all my debts' thoughts while i sat beside the useless hunk of metal on the side of the highway, let me tell you.

so maybe my bronte feelings are a natural reaction to the fact that i can't afford to do anything that isn't FREE right now. how crappy is that? but the divine ms u and i have plans to see dekoze in a few weeks - if you are in the lotusland area, GO SEE DEKOZE. he's the best, seriously.

anyhoo... i'm off to hide in a mystery novel / watch CSI for the rest of the day..

all i have done

since monday is watch the c.s.i. marathon on spike tv. and think. and think. and think. and think.

sundae horoscope

this is a good one, too. and quite 'in the moment', as it were...

"Instead of thinking about the next 100 steps you have to take, try picturing only the very next one instead. You are currently living in the future -- switch gears and try living in the moment, or changing conditions could broadside you. If you're laughing now, savor it and remember it for later. Every moment is another chance to turn everything around."

saucy sassy airlines flight 69 now ready for boarding...

last night lem-o-lish and i were chatting about emotional rollercoasters and devised our very own airline... ok well seriously we came up with outfits and emergency vodka supplies and the idea that you have to be *this* cute to fly with us (you know, like one of those 'you have to be this tall to ride the roller coaster' signs). ms. lem created a lovely mock-up of our uniforms - any cutting edge fashion designers out there lucky enough to add us as a contract?

fall

i really like fall - it's my favourite season. i mean, i LOVE sunshine and hot days, but there's something about the crispness of fall that makes me feel most at home. for me, the new year begins in september, not in january - my birthday is mid august, and it just sort of seems like an ending to me. it's the time when i take stock and think about things - maybe cause i spent so many years in school?

so what am i taking stock of right now? well, there's this thing with he-who-shall-remain-nameless. he's sitting on the fence - it's really hard on me but i'm trying to be supportive and be his friend. i'm in love with him like crazy. what do i do? i know it's so easy to just say "walk away - it's not worth it and it's not healthy and he did something awful". but, of course, as with any human emotion and human situation, it's not that black and white - if only the world were that easy...

he said that he was so sure of his decision, but every time he sees me he falls in love with me again. we can't *not* see each other - that just is impossible both logistically and metaphorically. we are drawn to each other on so many levels - it's magnetic. i know when he walks into a room, even if i'm looking in another direction entirely, talking to someone else. being with him just feels... right. but i have to be prepared for the fact that there is more than a 50% chance that he is going to come back to me and say that he's going to stick to his earlier decision. i have to be prepared for the fact that he's going to break my heart again.

on the one hand, it will be a little easier. i'm expecting it, right? on the other hand, i die inside a little bit more every time he does it. but i'm expecting it, right?

i wish i had a magic wand that i could wave and make things all better. life doesn't quite work that way, though. pity.

oooo new quiz!

I AM 24% WHITE TRASH! I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

thanks, mugwhump!

todae's horoscope:

oooo i *love* my horoscope today!

"Do great things and learn from them as you do them. The doors of your heart are open, and there's room for everyone inside. Your personal ray of sunshine warms anyone who crosses your path. Use this to your advantage at work today -- there's room for advancement, and your demeanor today will help you get where you want to go. After work, expect to meet someone new and exciting who will change the way you think, and vice versa. This is good news for you both."