fall

i really like fall - it's my favourite season. i mean, i LOVE sunshine and hot days, but there's something about the crispness of fall that makes me feel most at home. for me, the new year begins in september, not in january - my birthday is mid august, and it just sort of seems like an ending to me. it's the time when i take stock and think about things - maybe cause i spent so many years in school?

so what am i taking stock of right now? well, there's this thing with he-who-shall-remain-nameless. he's sitting on the fence - it's really hard on me but i'm trying to be supportive and be his friend. i'm in love with him like crazy. what do i do? i know it's so easy to just say "walk away - it's not worth it and it's not healthy and he did something awful". but, of course, as with any human emotion and human situation, it's not that black and white - if only the world were that easy...

he said that he was so sure of his decision, but every time he sees me he falls in love with me again. we can't *not* see each other - that just is impossible both logistically and metaphorically. we are drawn to each other on so many levels - it's magnetic. i know when he walks into a room, even if i'm looking in another direction entirely, talking to someone else. being with him just feels... right. but i have to be prepared for the fact that there is more than a 50% chance that he is going to come back to me and say that he's going to stick to his earlier decision. i have to be prepared for the fact that he's going to break my heart again.

on the one hand, it will be a little easier. i'm expecting it, right? on the other hand, i die inside a little bit more every time he does it. but i'm expecting it, right?

i wish i had a magic wand that i could wave and make things all better. life doesn't quite work that way, though. pity.