if sancutary still exists

i spent the weekend in a drug induced numb - prescription painkillers and tranquilizers that were not my own and i must say the lord shone down upon me with tingling lips and a brain that finally shut off and it was fucking good.

i also had no innerweb access all weekend, my loves, so fear not i was not ignoring you.

i can see why people become addicted to painkillers - they really do kill the pain both physical and psychic. i didn't think all weekend i just wandered around after my friends, asked very politely that they not leave me anywhere and make sure i get home in one piece. when you tuck me into bed, i said, hand me a bottle of water and one of those little white pills and kiss me on the cheek and tell me goodnightsleeptight little raspberry and so they did.

i didn't dream, not once.

i only just about cried once, just once and that was yesterday at brunch when mike b said "are you ok?" and i had to shake my head 'cause i couldn't answer out loud and so he hailed the waitress and ordered me a caeser.

i didn't get horny, not once. this kind of drugs makes that go away too.

dreaming is for suckers - they don't come true.
crying is for suckers - nobody's worth it.
sex is for suckers - letting another person in to your body and your space only ends in the bullshit listed previously.

i almost called in sick and spent today reading calvin and hobbes and giggling quietly to myself, lost in the pillow soft world of blankets and rain outside the window. i may have even let the dog up onto the bed so she could be close to me and lend me her warmth and her unwavering loyalty and companionship.

but i have an addictive personality and so i can take the numb-makers for a couple of days in a row, but much more than that and we are wandering into dangerous territory.

so i'm at work and it's ok so far, cause all of the lights are still off and the phone hasn't rung and i'm just sitting here sipping coffee and talking to you.