jeudi, décembre 29

space flunky, four on the floor

so this time last year i posted the following helpful form letter. i know that you, like me, will most likely have use for it over the upcoming weekend. the problem with new year's falling on friday saturday or sunday is that you are compelled to fill the other weekend nights with debauchery of a comparable level. can't have any of them feeling inadequate, you know.


so anyway, as a public service (no one can say that we here at the sundae sanatorium are anything but helpful), here is the letter. feel free to print it out and distribute as necessary. pants, ciavarro, i may have you in mind.

Dear Mr. / Mrs. ___________

I am writing to apologize for my ________ behaviour the other night, and i hope that despite everything, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I should have known there would be a problem when your ______ first brought out the ________ of _______ that was so big it needed a handle. I was nervous about meeting you for the first time, and although i can usually hold my ________, i thought that having a few ________ would help me to _________. I was obviously very very wrong.

I honestly don't remember much between _______ with your visiting relatives and _______, but i'm told that i made quite a scene. If past experience is anything to go by, I'm guessing I whipped out my ______ and said "______" a lot. I hope i didnt' try to sit on your husband's / wife's _________ or make out with your ______, but at this point, nothing would surprise me. In my mind, I was just trying to be _______. All i know is that i woke up bathed in _________, with a blinding hangover, next to your ________ in the _________ in your driveway. I'm guessing you probably saw the big pile of ______ on the table where we tried to ________, but I'm hoping you didn't walk in while we were ________. We disposed of the _______ in the ________, so hopefully you didn't stumble across that, but i'm sure the lingering _____ smell was unmistakable. I have a vague recollection of the _______ arriving, so I guess the person the neighbours heard at 4am shouting "________" was me. Oops. Sorry again.

I'd be happy to pay for the _________ I broke (I only threw my ________ out of it because i thought it was open) and replace the tub of ________ and the plastic ________ that went missing, and if you have any trouble getting the _______ stains and the ________ marks out of the furniture, please send me the cleaning bills.

Please accept my sincerest apologies and this _______ that I made.

For what it's worth, all the best of the holiday season, and once again, my deepest regrets for being such a _______, ________, ________. I don't usually show people that side of myself until the second or third meeting.



PS - if a pair of black mesh _________ you don't recognize turn up somewhere, they're probably mine. Since you probably never want to see me again, you may as well just keep them.

so for my new year i'm going to go hang out with a guy i met in a bar a year ago and haven't seen since (we chat almost daily - at least a few times a week - via the ehm ess enn, but no in-person type communication). now, this is the night *after* going to see judge jules, where there will surely bE somE party trEats imbibed. i do it only for the sake of the commentary which will surely follow. it's all for you, and for posterity. clearly. my gosh the things i put myself through for you people....

as an aside, how long does it generally take for the fascination with taking half naked photos of yourself wears off? 'cause last night i took a whole slew (the one posted previously included). carlot boy logged in during my photophrenzy and, once he learned what i was up to, commissioned an entirely topless shot. of course i had to fulfill his wants and desires. he's cute and is very sweet, despite my co-workers suspicions otherwise.

the topless one was just for him, though. sorry.

**edit** by the way, how fucking nicole richie skinny does my arm look in that picture? i've entitled it golem. i'm not a praying mantis stick bug, i swear to god. i'm actually kind of curvy..