jeudi, avril 28

rock n roll highschool

tonight - U2. tomorrow, the weakerthans with the constantines. how cool am i?

apparently not that cool... the kiddo, who i really wanted to take with me, said to me last night "i just don't think i'd have that much fun sitting there with my MOM.."

you could hear a pin drop a mile down the road, then the gentle sound of my heart breaking.

fortunately mike b generously volunteered to accompany me this evening. such a trooper he is - forced to see U2 two nites in a row. the generosity of his spirit brings a tear to my eye....

anyhoo i'm off to the show. i'll let you know how it stacks up in the ol' rock'n'roll spectacle department when compared to velvet revolver...

lundi, avril 25

are your underwear vibrating...

or are you just glad to see me?

so this morning i had to do two things which filled me with dread and caused me to sleep very very little last night. so, really, it's a good thing that was i passed out by 9.30 from sheer boredom the night previous.

item the first - i had to go have a meeting at the kiddo's school with the drunk, (oh, sorry, did i say that out loud?) i mean, the kiddo's vice principal, his teacher (not the aide with whom he does not get along) and his counsellor. the kiddo's presence was required, but the vp decided that he needed to speak with me and the counsellor first, and so made the kiddo sit in the office for 45 minutes waiting. seriously - the man has no respect. this is also the guy who didn't bother to learn my name before our last meeting. i'm pretty sure he still has not a clue, and did on two separate occasions refer to the counsellor as the kiddo's dad. drunk. i mean, a bleedin' fascist. i mean, an alzheimer ridden lunatic. i mean, a worthy vice principal who nobly represents all that is good with our public school system. so that was a barrel of monkeys, let me tell you... at the end of this 45minute joyous start to my day, the vp says "now i would like to talk to the kiddo alone". i made frantic NO WAY is this a good idea motions to the counsellor, who stepped up and said that he'd prefer to be in the room. the kiddo WAS NOT pleased at having to get up early to sit on his butt chatting with the school secretary. lovely lady, i'm sure, but come on now - this is a 15 year old kid.

item the second - i had a meeting with mr. m today, because i am going to start taking classes in the area which is his specialty. so i had to suck up my pride and ask him to a)give me advice and b)resume his place as my quasi-workplace mentor. man was THAT the hardest thing i've done this week. i don't think i stopped shaking till 10minutes after i left his office...

anyway.. i started this whole diatribe with vibrating underwear, which is much more fun. see - i am missing one of the detachable straps for my ivory bra, and so today had to employ those clear plastic type. they're currently cutting off the circulation to my entire body (north of the shoulders) so i went dumped out my undies drawer to see if i could find it. of course, being A.D.D i immediately lost interest in the project when something flashy appeared on my computer screen (W49 logged in and started chatting at me). in the back of my mind i could hear this strange vibraty noise, looked over my shoulder and realized that it was coming from a particularly lovely pair of pink lace shorties. of course i had managed to completely cover my mobile with women's undergarments and so had to embark upon a frantic dig to answer before it went to voicemail. succeeded, mind, and answered with quite a chuckle...

so anyway, it was a rough day. but The New Boy is coming over after he goes for a ride and we are going to go hang out on the beach and watch the tide, i think, so things are looking up....

samedi, avril 23


in the dark (eyes closed) shh don't speak
there can be only touching -
two bodies meeting throwing
off the blankets (or not). don't
wake up - these moments are about
half dreamt needs and
the eroticism of moonbeams.

jeudi, avril 21

5 minutes

**edit - i'm going back in to fix some grammar...

so the idea is to write for five minutes. five minutes without pause, without interuption, without censorship. ahh... censorship - now there's the rub. how does one allow one's head to simply ... flow... simply write what i'm thinking and not worry about who will read or what people will think? am i entertaining you? please, let me entertain you.

welcome to my brain - this roughshod flurry of words and thoughts pouring forth from my fingertips is the way i run, most of the time... slow down, raspby, people say as my tongue runs away from me trying to keep up with the flash flash of neural impulse at work in my head. slow down, raspby, people say as i rush headlong from one passion to the next, just a half a breath behind my heart.

maybe it's good things are going slowly, she said to me. *some* people i know tend to rush into things. who's to say what's rushing, is my retort. in hummingbird moments i'm moving at glacial speeds. (oops cheated there - went back and replaced 'cat' with 'hummingbird' 'cause 'hummingbird' has never been used in these pages before')

ever see a bird try and escape from a room? it throws its chest against the glass again and again. the sight of freedom, just within reach, is enough to inspire it to beat itself to death - beat itself with the very thing that confines it. my question to you is- is it really trying to get free? or to destroy that which stops its flight?

(time, gentlemen)

lundi, avril 18

not like it matters...

but if my seriously lapsed catholic vote counts for anything i want him, him or him to win.


sunshine through the window, thinkening about you. talking 'bout no ties and own time but still my heart casts back towards you off there somewhere. why is it that you disappear like this?

bodies slapping broken beats. 'was she with you till the end?' no but yes and i can't tell you that right now. staring out the windown wishing i could do more.

'you are the best, most down to earth person i've ever met. there's no reason why we shouldn't always be friends'.

funny how i still feel so lonely.


i ran across the road - your hand gripped mine tugging me faster and faster. "i can't wait till we get home.. i need you now". quick hands at the waist, help me up over the fence. "we should climb the side of the building - then i can be inside you while we look out over the lights" can't do it- wearing heels and the rain pours pours down. drops dripping off my skin i stick my tongue out and lick them off your lips. sweet and sour like beer and dancing. pull my shirt up, breasts free from black bra.. rain kisses my nipples - they're hard so cold so hard. your lips and mouth on them are hot the contrast almost pushes me over the edge... strobe light headlights flash over us bringing everything into stark realism. drink in my head makes everything so clear but so far away. drink in your smell makes everything so unclear but so close. you fumble with my pants, open the belt the zipper pull them down rip rip rip the underwear off me and throw it aside. rain all over me now, your lips chase the streams of water down my belly lower lower hands on my ass pulling me closer. you are back up your tongue in me your cock in me your fingers in me rain nothing but the rain between us. nothing but the rain and a year of misunderstanding and forgotten birthdays and forgotten phone calls and.. and .. and...

mercredi, avril 13

i wonder

i was reading over at matt good's space and pondering his ponderings over youth violence. he's been discussing this sort of on and off since last friday or so, when he was the victim of some random violence himself - that is, someone threw a wrench at his head while he was on stage.

it comes at a fairly timely moment - kelly ellard was just convicted of the murder of reena virk yesterday. for those of you unaware of the story, 22yr old kelly ellard was charged with participating in the beating and murder of (then)14 year old reena virk. it's taken eight years to come to a verdict on this case, and there was only one other person prosecuted for the murder.

that aside, matt good has posted a link to a fairly graphic video on his site - i guess the fun new trend in highschools (less cool than, say, ipods but moreso than tongue rings) is to have random spectator beatings which are filmed with a digital camera or mobile phone and uploaded to the internet.

he comes down fairly hard on the parents of the kids who participate in such activities. while i support a lot of what he's saying, i also would maybe, just maybe, put up a hand in caution.

first of all, teen violence is not a new thing. when i was thirteen years old, a girl a good foot taller than i decided to waylay me on my route home from school, hold me at arms length, and pound the crap out of my face because the guy she had a crush on preferred me. the word had gotten out ahead of time, so there was a crowd of probably 200 people there to witness the fun. the only reason she stopped is 'cause one of my (male, by the way) friends jumped on her back and pulled her off me. she was the daughter of a cop. this would be all the more horrifying if it were a random event, but nope -happened at least once a week, in my school.

second of all, it's way to easy to blame parents and say that people see raising children as an inconvenience. i think that's too simplistic. we live in a society which essentially demands a two income household. only the upper middle class can really afford to have one parent stay at home and, well, parent. and it's not a matter of having luxuries and two cars and a cell in every pocket - it's that to rent a two bedroom apartment in most parts of vancouver you will have to spend between $1500 and $2000 per month. forget mortgages - for a family home the dollars and cents are over 300K. who can afford that on 45-500000 per year? parent's just can't always be there. you try and teach your kids to make good decisions and be caring citizens, but, ultimately, you can't always be there.

i think that you can't separate 'parents' from society at large. we have become completely disconnected from our sense of responsibility to our community as a whole. it's very trendy to be worried about green space in our neighbourhoods, or to make sure you take cloth bags to the grocery, and to recycle and that stuff, but what the hell does that matter if we have lost sight of the importance of teaching our children that we are all intertwined? is spending time bringing attention to amnesty international more important than mentoring kids in a local highschool, or maybe volunteering to give music lessons at a local boys and girls club, or just taking the time to talk to the boy in the next apartment who's single mom maybe has to work two jobs just to keep food on the table?

we are so isolated, now. we live in suburbs where we only sleep. we drive everywhere. we don't speak with our neighbours or the folks beside us in line or the grocer or the newsagent or anyone else. heck - in my office it's more common to phone or use the instant messanger to talk to your coworkers than it is to go over to their desk and say hello. we don't see ourselves as part of a greater thing.

so ya, everyday youth violence is, in part, the fault of the parents. but, in a larger sense, it's my fault and your fault and his fault and her fault.

so here's my challenge to you, matt good - you are extremely well spoken and extremely influential and well respected. i challenge you, matt good, to maybe, just maybe, try and bring as much attention to local programs that try and teach kids to be active, caring members of our communities as you do to darfur, and amnesty international and all those other worthy charities. 'cause sure, here in canada we are pampered and live soft lives and don't have bombs raining down on our heads every day. but that doesn't mean the kids who live here deserve respect and love and mentoring and education any less than iraqui children or sudanese children or american children or anyone's children.

lundi, avril 11

cold feet

that is to say, my toes are cold... i just painted my nails silvery pink and so don't want to put my socks back on yet.

random confession #14:

i wear socks to bed with a fair amount of regularity. they usually stay on from the time i climb in till about 1/3 of the way through the night, at which point they get too warm and i kick them off. i just leave them in the bed, so at any given time there's at least one pair of socks under the blankets. i figure why move them, since i'm just gonna put 'em back on again when i get back into bed with cold feet?

how's that for a metaphor?

dimanche, avril 10

things i have learned this weekend

1) i can*NOT* do stupid things like eat a piece of pizza at three am anymore. i used to be able to do it, just once in a while, you know? not anymore. spent the first 3 hours i was awake yesterday puking. not fun.

2) orangina is, indeed, the liquid of the gods. think of it - lightly carbonated to help the belly, slightly sweet to get my sugar levels back up, brightly vitamin-c'd to help with recovery. gorgeous.

3) what i'm really looking for is one man who combines the qualities currently being brought to my life by The New Boy and r-. The New Boy = stable, considerate, caring, older than me, reads, mature, stuff like that. r- = fun, dirty, laughs like crazy, gets more out of music than even i do, parties his ass off, stuff like that. both = tough boys, scrappy, short, strong, work out, irreverant, like sex. do you think there exists a guy who has ALL of these qualities? could i be so lucky?


seriously, though. i'm 32-almost-33 years old. should i be looking for the more-stable laid back boy? what am i doing hanging out with a 26 year old kid who just wants to spin records and fuck and party? i'm just not ready to give that stuff up yet, you know? that's something i learned with mr.m. i am not ready to stay home every weekend and do "family" stuff and garden and run errands all weekend. i need to find someone who is both things - cause there are definately moments (like saturday night) when i want to curl up on the couch and watch videos and eat chips and fall asleep and wake up to someone carrying me to bed and tucking me in.

but on friday night.. friday night i hit the ground running as soon as i got off work and didn't slow down till 6am saturday morning. at one point on friday night when we were still at the club r- looked at me and said "you know, no matter how far i push you, you turn around and look at me and ask me to go farther... how far are you going to let me go?" and i gave him the only true answer, which was "farther than you ever dreamed you could", then made him chase me as i whirled and spun across the dance floor. friday night was about electricity and attraction and loud music and lights and boys and vodka and knowing, KNOWING that he was blowing off other plans not 'cause he wanted to go dancing where we were going but 'cause he wanted to fuck the HELL out of me at the end of the night. (i'm not painting him in a very positive light right now... i'm making it sound like there isn't very real affection between us, and like we don't genuinely enjoy each other's company, which isn't true at all.)

so how do i find a boy who is both? do you know one? are you one? does such a boy exist? what qualities does your ideal mate possess? are you holding out till you can find them? or have you given up on your dream and are settling for someone you aren't entirely happy with, or settling for solitude and friends and work?

jeudi, avril 7

shit that worries me

- why is speak spelled s-p-e-a-k, but speech s-p-e-e-c-h?

mercredi, avril 6

*hem hem*

ok so i'm sitting here eating an entirely passable sauce that i put together with tuna, olives, artichokes, white wine, tomatoes, red peppers, zucchini, and fresh basil poured over rice. my sauce to rice ratio is easily 2:1. yum-o-rama. didn't feel like going out to eat, despite my 11.5hour long day, so made sauce. good call, i figure.

question for you... how long should you keep a link up on your site after somebody stops updating (ahem mike b)? like seriously - one month? two months? what is acceptable? i mean, he's my wing man and all... but at what point can i remove the non-updated link without being rude? thoughts? rebuttals? it's kind of like other eternal dilemma - how long do you keep a greeting card after the event for which it was given. when your 31st birthday rolls around, is it now culturally acceptable to dispose of the cards received for all others between the ages of 1 and 30? do you toss the card as soon as the giver has turned their back? or do you just slowly compile a drawerful, only to be disposed of when you move or run out of space for tea towels?

mardi, avril 5

see, i TOLD you!

todae's horoscope:

The lights are low, the music is just right and the person you're with is the person you've been waiting for all your life. But if there's even one iota of doubt in your mind, don't make plans for that Elvis chapel in Vegas. Why risk making a mistake that serious when all you have to do is wait until Mercury isn't retrograde? Never mind what that means. Just wait until after the 12th. You'll be glad you did.

samedi, avril 2

rock & fuckin' roll

Recently I have been having a conversation with different people regarding the upcoming U2 concerts here in Vancouver. To me, it's kind of important I take my kid to see them, because it may the last chance he has to see a 'supergroup', 'cause I wonder if such a thing exists anymore. I've been thinking to myself that there are currently no other bands which have the possibility to engage people on such a diverse and generational scale as U2 does. They may be the very last of music's power icons.* Everybody has a different opinion on why - the record companies aren't invested in nurturing artists anymore; the internet has given us such immense access to differnt groups and artists that rarely does one inspire loyalty in it's listeners anymore; the list goes on** - but it seems like few people have considered the underlying implications or meaning of this phenomenon.

This was brought to the forefront of my mind again on Thursday, when I went to see Velvet Revolver at the Pacific Coliseum. The whole evening was set out as a "back to basics rock & roll show" - this is even how Slash described it in a pre-show radio interview. Scott Weiland's stage presence channels the icons of rock: his slinky garb and the amorphous sexuality oozes late seventies Bowie. His back and forth rooster strut invokes Mick Jagger in his heyday. Digesting Weiland's on-stage persona, in concert with noticing the black leather tophat perched upon an amp and watching Slash and Duff close the show by walking off the stage arm in arm, you realize you are watching an encapsulation of rock and roll history. This concert embodies the rock & roll experience; the rock & roll tradition.

Anthony Giddens, director of the London School of Economics, outlined several key elements which define a tradition:
First, it involves some form of ceremonial ritual or ritualistic behavior. Second, tradition involves a group of people; it's collective and social in nature. Third, traditions have guardians such as historians that have access to the knowledge or the truth of tradition's sacred rituals. Fourth, tradition stirs emotion within individuals to bring about a greater sense of self-awareness. In some cultures, these rituals are important to one's self-identity within the context of a larger society. (excerpted from metro news.

What is a rock concert but a tradition; a mass gathering which the participants adhere to rules and patterns without any formal training in such a milieu. You don't take lessons on how to behave when you go to see a concert, you just know how to behave. Everyone knows that when the band leaves the stage but the lights don't come up, you are supposed to clap and stomp and cheer and call them back. This is your opportunity to pay your respects to the spectacle. When a soft song is played, the lighters are held in the air. When the band turns the mike to the crowd, everyone sings. The call and response of the spectacle call to the collective conciousness of the crowd.

In the 1950's, Guy DeBord and the Situationists proposed a cultural revolution which reunitied art and everyday life. They felt that the alienation of everyday man from the deeper meanings of everyday life and the creative output had marginalized all relationships - captialism rendered life 'transactional' and reduced it to a 'spectacle'. That is, the superficiality of the creative endeavour masks the disatisfaction of a life separated from creativity and art.

Halfway through the concert, Scott Weiland took the opportunity to speak to the crowd about the state of modern music. He addressed his audience in an attempt to have us understand what the record companies have done to the artist. He differentiated between bands like Velvet Revolver and much of what is considered "pop" music*** by saying that the record companies have created an industry in which they support the flash-in-pan "pop" stars because they require a minimum investment. backing an artist with longevity is not in the financial plan - it's easier to generate carbon copies and spoon feed them formulaic paint-by-numbers pre-packaged performances then it is to support and nurture the development of an actual "artist". "So what do bands like Velvet Revolver do?" Weiland asked the crowd.. "We take our show on the road. What do the record companies call you people?" he called out. "They call you consumers. What do we call you? Mother-fucking rock and roll fans!". The crowd, of course, responded as it was intended to do.

What Weiland seemed to be implying is that Velvet Revolver is re-developing the relationship between the artist and the art and the crowd. When he stood on the stage and raised and lowered his arms like a space age messiah, he played the crowd like an instrument. The crowd's voices and reactions rose and fell with his gestures, turning the voices of the audience into another instrument - into part of the band. While the record companies seduce the masses as consumers (reduce them from being into merely having), Velvet Revolver is breaking down the division between the masses by involving them in the production of the entertainment itself - the spectacle becomes not the superficial stageshow of the Britney Spears' of the music world, but an interactive experience with its basis in the deepest cultural traditions of rock & roll.

These traditions remind us (the audience) of our sense of self and integral role in the show. The division between work and play is diminished and the individuals in the crowd become active participants in constructing their own experience. Moreover, who is cast in the role of performer and who is cast in the role of crowd is no longer clear. Guy DeBord and the Situationists "insisted that every individual should actively and consciously participate in the reconstruction of every moment of life. They called themselves Situationists precisely because they believed that all individuals should construct the situations of their lives and release their own potential and obtain their own pleasure." ( Velvet Revolver is enacting, through their performance, the cultural revolution which the Situationists deemed necessary for freedom from a consumerist society.

Of course, this argument is problematic in that it cost up to $65 to attend this 'cultural revolution' and, beyond that, Velvet Revolver is in the business of selling records and t-shirts and concert tickets and g-string underwear. However, it seemed, to me, interesting that in a time where we are so missing the presence of a band to fill the shoes of U2, a supergroup to inspire us to a rock & roll lifestyle in which art is NOT separated from culture, Scott Weiland stood on stage and reminded us that the rock & roll lifestyle is the embodiement of a world in which the art *is* the lifestyle.

long live rock & fuckin' roll.

* and in saying this i don't mean a power group in the sense of a group that's currently really popular and makes a lot of money. i mean a group that appeals to a broad spectrum of people - diverse ages, backgrounds, and musical tastes; one that has longevity or the potential for longevity; one that has the power (for lack of a better world) to take control of their creative process out of the hands of the record company; and, obviously, one that makes vast sales.

** everyone also has ideas on who (if any) has the potential to be a 'supergroup' - pearl jam, radiohead. would it even *be* a 'rock' band? or maybe eminem stands more chance?

*** when the crowd reacted negatively to the term "pop" music, Weiland reminded us that thirty-five years ago the Beatles exploded onto the music scene - and that they would be considered "pop" music but are so far away from anything that could be compared to the current representations of the term that it is unfathomable.

vendredi, avril 1

quick and dirty

i promise i'll write some more tomorrow. i have some stuff i want to say about the velvet revolver concert last night. i even wrote (gasp!) some of it down so i wouldn't forget.

but for now i just wanna say that i went to see sin city with the kiddo tonight. it's amazing in that it's visually overwhelming - the colours and filming are wonderful; the directing superlative; the acting top shelf; the directing superb. but sweet holy mother of god it's violent. yes it's cartoon violence but i was a little rattled. the kiddo announced it "fucking awesome". i enjoyed it and appreciate it for what it is, but man o man. shocking.

i love the way that there are little visual anchors that tie the vignettes together. i love the way that the stories and characters all sort of get tied together in the end - not in the way that things are neatly packaged with a polite little bow, but in the way that you sort of get the sense that these are people who live in within a self-contained world and who would bump into each other on the street.

but fuck it's violent, kids. not for the weak of constitution.