hello!

to new faces and old! please, if you haven't said hello yet, do so! i'm so excited to see who the folks who wander past are...

i can't talk about The New Boy... not yet. my feelings are kind of convoluted and i'm not sure about them and i'm worried about jinxing it. so maybe later?

the kiddo.. ah the kiddo... he's defiantly loyal, insufferably stubborn, well spoken and too smart for his age. he's a total ladies man (partially my fault), but has already met the girl who he figures is "the one" and treats her like a queen.

here's a classic kiddo story:

he makes these wicked compilation cds - you give him a few songs and he works out a theme and builds a great collection, then gives it a witty name and hands it back to you. my sister and i were heading out dancing for the night, and really wanted to have the one that he was working on, so were hassling him to finish it up quick. he came into the room, held out his hands in front of him like jesus to his followers and said: "LADIES... if you RUSH me you are only going to be disappointed with the results..." then turned and walked, nay, STRUTTED out of the room.

here's another:

one night a few years ago (like when the kiddo was turning 13 i think) we had dinner and a movie with his dad & his dad's girlfriend (we all get along pretty well). his dad had a few beers with his dinner and kept trying to put his arm around me. it was kind of freaking me out, cause i was with the crazy exboyfriend at the time so was HYPER sensitive to other men touching me... (the repercussions would have been astronomical had there been a witness). anyhoo, i was uncomfortable, and kept shrugging the arm off, and he'd just put it back again. after this happened a few times, the kiddo turned around (he'd been a few paces in front with one of his friends), threw his dad's arm off my shoulder and said "DON'T touch my mom" and walked between me and his dad the rest of the way.

at fifteen he went through a 'russian literature' phase and started reading dostoyevski and chekov..

the first time he ever ran a 300m hurdles he set a track record for his age group..

when he was 12, he was selected to read an original poem in front of his school. when i told a friend of mine, she exclaimed "that's so NOT FAIR!". i was puzzled and asked her to explain herself- she said that the geeky kids were supposed to be good at writing and books and stuff. it was all they had. it wasn't fair when the kids who were super good at sports got to be good at poetry too...

dude i could seriously go on for hours... he has been known to hang out with some of my adult friends just by himself, cause they think he's cool and he is capable of talking to them and participating in decent conversations. he's seriously the light of my life... a total challenge, but i wouldn't swap him for a more "manageable" kid for anything in the world, you know?

k now that i've nauseated you all.. i'll just stop for a while ok?

it makes me sad

when people just disappear... i've taken two of my links off the sidebar. one (city of death) i read sporadically at best. the other, the lovely lovely wild melissa girl, was a daily perusal. i'm sad to see her go...

such an ephemeral existance, this on line community. people wander in and out of my world with such little fanfare that sometimes i wonder if i'm just dreaming it all... think of it. the interactions we share are manifestations of pulsations of light and energy beaming around the world. you hit the 'next blog' button there at the top right of the screen and you jet instantly from vancouver to halfway 'round the world and who knows whom you will encounter? what are the conversations we have but little more than brain synapses flashing against my eyelids - little blasts of light like the kind i get when i close my eyes and rub them too hard.

maybe, if it's ok, if you visit this blog in the next couple of days.. just take a moment to say 'hi' in the comments, and maybe introduce yourself. if you prefer to stay anonymous, then that's fine too - beauty of the internet, really. i'm just curious to see who my lights are flash-bang pulsing with.

what the heck

happened to that wild melissa girl? she's gone gone gone.... melissa if you are reading, can you email me? pretty please?

behold the domesticated berry

in her natural environment - which is to say the kitchen.

i go through these 'nesty' phases, where i need to cook and clean and generally wear an apron and sweatpants and become a maniac with a mixing bowl.

now this whole thing started with me needing to change my room around which, by the way, was a project & a half. you see, i have pretty much an entire apartment worth of stuff in my room, so it took me the better part of nine hours to get it straightened out. keep in mind, of course, that i have mild OCD so there were moments when the chaos totally overwhelmed me and i had to leave the room 'cause i was on the brink of a panic attack. it was moments like that in which i spread my domesticated goodness to the kitchen...

i made a lovely thai curry with sticky rice for the kiddo and i to have for dinner last night. when it was all finished, after we had come back downstairs, he said to me "i miss the days when we used to eat all different kinds of food every day". it's hard, you see, to cook for just the two of us, because we share a kitchen with my folks. and my parents, my father in particular, are notoriously picky eaters. so... we generally just eat what's on the menu, with some slight allowances made to accomodate my allergies. anyhoo. that's a tangent.

so i finished rearranging around 9.30 last night (NINE THIRTY)... i like it, but i had a way uneasy sleep 'cause the noises are different, you know? plus i always sleep funny in a strange place. got up this morning and made coconut cinnamon scones, an apple/strawberry crisp for easter dessert, cooked a pan full of bacon for the kiddo and fed it too him with fresh baking OJ for breakfast, and could still be quite contendedly in the kitchen....

ok so

here's the thing.

i think i'm starting to really like The New Boy. this, of course, scares the shit out of me. i haven't really liked someone except for mr. m in a very very long time, and that's, of course, because of the abusive hell that was my 3.5yr long relationship with psychojeremy.

so my first reaction to 'really liking a boy' is, of course to try and blow it out of the water. so i do things like make late-night dates to "hang out" with 25yr old guys whom i've known for approximately 24 hours and who really only want to fuck for the evening. sounds healthy, huh? i have these hardcore selfdestructive tendencies that always make me mess shit up. like how when i get stressed out i automatically eat food i'm allergic to so that i get sick. but i HAVE to - it's a total compulsion. so then my face breaks out and my belly hurts and i puke my guts out.

it also worries me 'cause i tend to only like messed up guys - like emotionally unavailable men, or men who are in other relationships, or men who will treat me like crap. i never fall for the nice ones. but we'll see, right?

anyway.. i didn't go last night. and The New Boy called at 11.30 all drunk and sweet and silly and made me laugh for like 45 minutes, which is a very good thing, i think, cause i was too busy laughing to freak out in any way.

i love it

when you say these things that are intended to be all innocent and come out downright smutty. case in point, this evening i came out with "i want him to re-sugar my rim". now, i was speaking of the lovely sweet coating round the edge of my baileys-coffee cup. but man oh man does that sound hot.

maktaaq - i'm working on it...

raspberry sundae's long weekend extravaganza

ok this is my second attempt at this post. i have a tendency to rest my foot at the front of my computer and hit the 'off' button in error.

so anyhoo... i'm on day two of my four day weekend and can feel the stress melting off my back like chocolate in a fondue pot. like an icicle in the sunshine. like fat in a deep fryer. ok maybe not that one - that's kind of gross. we'll stick with chocolate and icicles.

(back on the topic, sundae, back on point) (where was i?) (oh ya)

anyhoo - i'm pretty freakin relaxed. i had to take my sister to the airport this morning so got up really really early to have her there by 5am to catch her flight back to work. my sister has been the anti-raspberry, which is to say, she's been stressed out like crazy for a day and a half. she got a call yesterday afternoon calling her back to work TODAY - her flight left at 6am. so we did a total power shop for the stuff she needed and she ran around like a crazy woman till after midnight last night. at least she's going to have this afternoon/this evening in san diego to mellow out and get a haircut/massage/manicure or something. maybe do tequila body shots off a waitress in the hotel bar. she was pretty stressed out.

the new boy went away to hang with 'his boys' for the long weekend, and so i think i'm going to take advantage of the time to feng shui my bedroom, make chocolate pistachio rolls and hang with mike b. i haven't seen NEARLY enough of michael blackman lately, and it's bumming me out. good thing i'm kind of relaxed right now, or else i'd be stressed out about it.

the bedroom thing is pressing, though. i need to do a decent spring clean - ceremoniously shake the cobwebs out of my living space and welcome the cherry blossoms and assorted flowering tree pollen in (atchoo, by the way). i need to dust and vacuum and generally re-arrange. so i think i'll get on that.

(paused there for a minute to 'select all copy' what i've written to avoid the whole reconstructing from memory thing, since i've noticed that my big toe is straying dangerously close to the 'reset' button again.. damn thing has a mind of it's own. hey, there! right foot! keep your digits in LINE, lady!)

i need to find a tape measure and figure out if my bed will fit into the alcove under the big window. i think i'd like to spend the spring/summer sleeping tucked in there. i just have to figure out if my head should point east or west (hence the feng shui)....

yum

ok so today i was given a box of dark chocolate truffles from a company called montezumas in sussex. one of their varieties has crushed red chilis on it. can i say nothing but YUM?! not to mention the fact that you can get handmade, organic, VEGAN truffles. vegan truffles - all is right with the world, my friends. all is right with the world.

thunkin'

so i was reading ken & ariel the other day, and noticed a comment which touched on the idea that there are things a guy would only do with a woman he was a 'fuck buddy' with - not one that he was thinking long term relationship with.

this puzzles me, and i'll tell you why - so if you don't want to hear me talk about sex then move on, my friend, move on. just navigate off to the more sanitary sections of the internet. might i suggest christian women for penny loafers?

the other day whilst road-trippin the new boy's roommate asked me what love was to me. i thought about how i wanted to phrase my answer for a bit (always a touchy subject in front of someone whom you've just begun dating), then said that love is being in tune with someone on every level - being able to be open and honest with a person, no matter how awful what you are about to say is, and trust that they will accept you for who you are. love is what is beyond being best friends - that deeper level of intimacy that comes through physical contact and chemistry. love is understanding that the person you are with is their own person and respecting that about them, and knowing they respect that for you.. and some other stuff too.

anyhoo.. what puzzles me about the idea that you are more adventurous sexually with someone you are 'just fucking' rather than someone you are committed to is this: if you have appetites and desires, then the person you love and want to spend your life with seems the natural choice to share them with. why would you want to commit yourself to spending a lifetime with someone that you didn't feel comfortable sharing such things with? why would you want to condemn yourself to a lifetime of sex which only touches upon the breadth of your desires?

i SO would not want to be with a man forever if he didn't feel like he could bend me over and do me six ways from sunday. i guarantee you it's a recipe for infidelity in my world. i have some dark desires - i am experimental and dirty. i want a guy who can explore all the facets of my sexuality with me, and will let me explore his with him. life's an adventure - why would you want to be with someone if you couldn't live it that way in the bedroom? or in the living room? or on the kitchen table? or in the bathroom at a real estate open house?

oops, inside voice, raspberry.... LOL

i am the least popular girl in school

i didn't get the kiddo a ticket for taste of chaos on friday. i had to wait till i got paid, then got so busy with work that i couldn't go to ticketshyster last week. when my sister went to try and pick one up today, they're all sold out. dude, i seriously fucked up - he's so mad at me he's got a belly ache. i feel fucking awful. the only way i can see to get one is to spend $95 and buy one from an overpriced website. but, of course, there's no way i can afford to spend $95 on a concert ticket right now.

i emailed the local radio station in the hopes that they know if more will be released, or maybe know of someone who's got an extra. if anyone, ANYONE knows someone who has one they'll sell me for a decent price pretty pretty please let me know. seriously - i'll do pretty much anything, at this point.

in other news, i went on a roadtrip with the new boy this weekend. it was fun... interesting... i met his family. scary as hell - i'm so committment phobic that it scares the crap out of me to contemplate the fact that i MET HIS FAMILY. how messed up is that? but if i can figure out how to get the pictures off the digital camera onto the computer i'll upload a couple of the crazy road...

word for today

comfoozled - overcome, exhausted.

yup, that's about right....

who won the oscar for best actor?

actually, you know what? it doesn't even matter, because it WASN'T don cheadle. it infuriates me on so many levels that he was overlooked for his role in hotel rwanda which i FINALLY saw last night. i grabbed onto mike's hand at one point and seriously didn't let go for the entire film. i wasn't just holding it, i was CLUTCHING it. that film messed me up - i couldn't drive home without stopping my car and sitting quietly for a while - till the shaking stopped, anyway.

go see this film. it, at varying moments, fills you with horror and shame at the things we, as humans, can do to each other; lifts you up with the displays of grace and compassion that people can exhibit, and makes you laugh from the bottom of your belly. it is the story of the human race - it has lessons to teach us, should we choose to listen. the interaction of the characters on the film's stage encapsulates the interaction of the characters on the world's stage.

you know what? i'm not doing it justice. just see it - i don't think i've ever seen a film which has had this effect on me.

it's official

i like a boy. cue the angels and harps - clouds part, heavens shine down upon us lowly mortals as we all stare in disbelief at the little raspberry girl who likes, actually LIKES a boy. and this isn't just having a work crush on one of the n's, or wanting to re-do the island boy. this is 6 dates, three sleepovers but only one (clearly the most recent) with actual sex raspberry likes a boy.

and you guys didn't even know i'd been out. how crazy is that?

watch

this please.

thank you.

random confession #27

i LOVE the movie twister. yes, helen hunt is more wooden than keanu reeves in johnny mneumonic. yes her tank top mysteriously self cleans. yes, it's really a crappy movie but i LOVE it. philip seymour hoffman cracks this skinny white ass up - sure he's reprising (preparing for?) his seminal role as lester bangs in almost famous but man he takes you on a hyperactive wacky barnburner scientist rollercoaster of a ride and i'm back in line as soon as i hit the end.

four hail marys and one repeat viewing of something arthouse as penance. damn it's good to be catholic.

never a doubt in my mind

Which Family Guy character are you?

ok i'm back

'cause i've had a couple of cocktails, you see, and so i feel like chatting. but i didn't feel like chatting with the real life people i was spending time with. not 'cause they are poor company, just 'cause i wanted to come home and play with my imaginary friends. or my computer friends. or maybe they're the same thing....

so two things happened this week which made me mad/upset/sad/frustrated.

1) two kids stole $12 worth of gas and killed the gas attendant for it. can you imagine being the 15 year old kid in the passenger seat of that car? your life is pretty much fucked - even if you don't go to jail you are going to hear buddy screaming as he was being dragged to his death across 7 kilometres of city streets every time you close your eyes for the rest of your life. it's twelve fucking dollars and a stolen car - you think you are out for some kicks and all of a sudden you killed someone. bam. dead.

2) langley just elected, as their provincial LIBERAL representative, a woman who has campaigned tirelessly to keep books with any sort of gay/lesbian theme out of school libraries. how is that, in any way shape or form, liberal? i always get confused between capital-l liberal and small-l liberal. and the difference between federal and provincial liberals confuses me, too. can anyone explain that to me, please? cause right now i'm really irritated that someone who's adopted a 'liberal' persona could agitate against gay & lesbian rights. or rather, would work to prevent people from making their OWN decisions regarding such matters.

actually, there are any number of things that happened this week which have had that same effect on me. jetsgo stranding people all over the world. people killing babies. mounties getting blown away. people being plain ol' mean to other people. i know i get weighed down by my own personal shit on occasion, but then there are weeks like this one where my crap seems so small scale when every time i open the newspaper someone is killing someone else, or cheating hardworking people out of money they probably can't afford to lose, or disrespecting the basic human right of us all to live a good life in the way that best suits us as individuals. i think if i ever met my fairy godmother, and she granted me three wishes, one of the things i'd ask for would be my own magic wand so i could go around making people just GIVE A SHIT about each other. (i'd also ask for a bottomless shoe budget and to have no food allergies, but that's beside the point.)

k, rant over. clearly i'm not ready to wean myself off blogger's teat, so you'll all just have to put up with me a while longer.

g'nite xoxo

i find myself

disenchanted with my blog. i'm not sure why - it seems as though i may be willing to let it just...slip...away. not for any reason other than it demands a certain degree of introspection and i'm sort of incapable of that at the moment. i think i'm turning into a shallow vacuous blonde. i aspire to be a trophy wife without a concrete thought in my head.

i read this screwed up statistic the other day (forgive me 'cause i don't recall where or the exact digits) that outlined how a woman lessens her chance at marriage by some stupid vast amount when she gets an education. who dreamed that fucked up bullshit? could it really be true that men would rather marry a dumb girl than a smart one? or is it just 'cause women who are busy educating themselves generally are less concerned with getting knocked up straight out of high school and tying themselves down?

there's an inflammatory statement for you - please don't take offence, gentle readers, if you are self-educated or have declined a formal post-secondary education. i didn't really mean it i'm just punchy and tired.

actually, i don't feel like myself at all. i feel as though someone has taken over my body and me, my SELF is just this little kernal of a person curled up into a matrix ball. so off i go. i may be back. i may not.

grrrrr

i'm cranky. i'm take ya out back and bitch slap you cranky. i'm stomp around in a circle kicking over sandcastles cranky. i'm flick your nose till you hit back cranky. i'm pick a fight and end relationships cranky. i'm i think i better go to bed before i get myself in trouble cranky.

tomorrow i'll tell you why i only got 3 hours of sleep on a 'school' night. if i'm not cranky, that is.

it's true.

attention!

watch this.

as you were.

anniversary

so it was a year ago today that the kiddo went into the hospital. kind of a fucked up anniversary, but it resonates regardless. i don't want to talk about it, but i do. i've been counting down all week, for some reason - i knew it was coming and i've studiosly avoided writing anything 'cause i knew that it would come out - how scared i am to go to sleep tonight, and how afraid i am that he's still all fragile on the inside even though he *seems* so much better and so much stronger and so much more together. or maybe it's just me that is fragile on the inside, still, even though i seem so much stronger and seem so much better and seem so much more together. but i guess i am those things, at least a little bit.

i love my kid more than life itself. (i just wanted to say that out loud, cause love is magic and saying the word casts a spell and takes me out of time and place and makes it not this day) and i know you are saying "of course you do - he's your son". but it sometimes amazes me that it's possible to feel something for someone in a way that is so strong and so true.

anyway, i'm gonna go crawl into bed, and leave my door open tonight. the dog will crawl in beside me and i think that i need that. goodnight, kiddo, and goodnight to all the kids, all of you out there in the world who feel that you are alone. tonight you should know that you aren't - i'm staying awake to watch over you all.

grrr

i think that whomever set this trap should be made to wear it.