ok so

here's the thing.

i think i'm starting to really like The New Boy. this, of course, scares the shit out of me. i haven't really liked someone except for mr. m in a very very long time, and that's, of course, because of the abusive hell that was my 3.5yr long relationship with psychojeremy.

so my first reaction to 'really liking a boy' is, of course to try and blow it out of the water. so i do things like make late-night dates to "hang out" with 25yr old guys whom i've known for approximately 24 hours and who really only want to fuck for the evening. sounds healthy, huh? i have these hardcore selfdestructive tendencies that always make me mess shit up. like how when i get stressed out i automatically eat food i'm allergic to so that i get sick. but i HAVE to - it's a total compulsion. so then my face breaks out and my belly hurts and i puke my guts out.

it also worries me 'cause i tend to only like messed up guys - like emotionally unavailable men, or men who are in other relationships, or men who will treat me like crap. i never fall for the nice ones. but we'll see, right?

anyway.. i didn't go last night. and The New Boy called at 11.30 all drunk and sweet and silly and made me laugh for like 45 minutes, which is a very good thing, i think, cause i was too busy laughing to freak out in any way.