bare me no ill will i'm there

so my li'l brother has asked where i find these guys. well you see, a long time ago, tom cruise approached me with a proposition. he offered me the opportunity to be the breeding ground for his first alien fetus - the initial assault, shall we say, in his bid for world domination. i, of course, said hells no - first of all, i don't find him attractive in the least. having sex with him would require a feat of imaginative powers that exceed even my own. second - i had no desire to become a scientologist. i was worried that i may have to hang with john travolta on a semi-regular basis. that dancing thing must grow old pretty fast - i mean, for how many movies can you really expect a thrusting finger and a hip wiggle to disguise the fact that my left bcbg boot is a better actor than you are?

tom, of course, does not take rejection well (look what he did to poor nicole's face). however, he balked at tampering with my seductive beauty, and instead decided to put it to work against me. he implanted a top-secret military weapon in my brain - an asshole magnet. any asshole within a 72 mile radius will be hypnotically drawn into my presence. no big deal, you may be thinking to yourself. just fend them off with your superpowers, sweet raspberry.

no can do, my friends, no can do.

see, this magnet also counteracts any asshole repelling superpowers i have - it's like kryptonite to my no-asshole mojo. i'm rendered helpless by their charms. and, frighteninly, it works exponentially: the bigger the asshole, the sweeter, more attracted, and more defenseless i become. and, conversely, the nicer the guy, the more repelled i am.

i currently have a secret laboratory full of the most brilliant scientists and mojo-fixers frenetically working away at a cure. in the meantime, i'm doomed to date asshole after asshole.

le sigh.


(in boat boy's defense, it was actually his friend who did the text messaging. he was unaware of the whole thing till the end. he apologized profusely yesterday. in any case, i'm still pretty much turned off by him and the whole escapade. the scientists must be making some headway....)