jeudi, juin 22

someday i'll walk away and say you fucking disappoint me

now i may have talked about this before, but for me the beginning of the year is the beginning of september. i think that this is for a combination of reasons - my birthday falls in mid august, so a 'new year' begins then, but also because i spent so long in school. for me, fall feels fresh and clean. the air is crisp and there is a strange sense of excitement in the air.

maybe i'm just getting in touch with my inner celt.

in any case, i think part of my strange sense of transition lies in the fact that i feel as though i'm building towards something new - i feel as though there is some kind of change on my horizon. i'm not sure what shape that change will take, just that it is there. i'm excited and filled with trepidation at the same time. i'm looking forward to what comes next and i'm making plans. i caught myself contemplating my career yesterday, and actually made an appointment to talk to my boss about it. i've never done that before - work has just been something i got up each day and did; it was *work* not a *career* or a path.

i've decided to try and finish my thesis, as well. yeah i know i've said that before, but i think that this time i mean it - i'm just so close. why wouldn't i?

i want to take a sommalier course. i want to take a class or two towards my job. right now i can do more with our database than almost anyone else in our company. i should capitalize upon that and make myself indispensible.

i want to surround myself with intelligent, energetic, positive people. i have no time for those who don't care about the world around them, and who view it with negativity or contempt. this is where we dwell - we fashion our environment with our gaze and our spirit. it is our choice to make it a negative place or a beautiful one. which do you choose?

i've also begun 'coming clean' - i am realizing my habit of holding my secrets inside is toxic. somethings should be brought out into the open so that they can't poison you from within, and i've begun to do that. for example, last night i went out with my boss. she's a lot like me - her first instinct is to try and face hardship and difficult situations on her own. like me, she doesn't want to inconvenience anyone with her emotion. she's splitting up with her husband right now, and it's not the best situation, and it's forced her to reach out to the people around her and develop a support network. this is a lesson i, too, learned the hard way, and, for the first time last night, i told her a bit of everything that went on with crazyjeremy, with mr m two years ago, with me in general. i told her how my dad is having brain surgery on the fourth, and sort of intimated how i am very afraid. i told her a bit about the kiddo's dad, and about raising the kiddo on my own and how proud of *myself* i am starting to be (this, too, is a new and wondrous sensation for me).

man, just saying that outloud makes me stop and think of how rare it is for me to be proud of MYSELF. i'm so nearsighted when it comes to my own accomplishments. i need to learn how to step back and enjoy them, rather than dash headlong from one thing to the next without savouring the small victories which come each day.

ahh i don't know where i'm going with this. some days i feel like everything i write here is negative and pointless - i'm using my keyboard to masturbate my angst - today i feel excited and positive and i wanted to share that, too.

matt good is back at the top of his game and tony is writing love letters, but not to me....


(ps - i know the pic is a repeat. it just kinda fit my mood today...)