i'm not even sure what day it is

so work is going a little nutso. we are moving our offices at the end of this week - shifting into a brand new location. i'm really really excited, cause i actually get a window seat: no more having to go stand behind sarah and envying her view... but needless to say everybody's strung so tight that people are snapping left right and centre at each other. i'm just trying to keep my head down and get my work done, without making waves or causing trouble. sometimes easier said than done though.

this afternoon, i actually entertained the notion of looking for a new job. i know that this career path is not where i figured i'd be at my age, but i do enjoy my work, for the most part. but i think that the stress is starting to get to me. i enjoy the money - don't get me wrong - but really, considering how many hours i actually work, i'm probably not making that much. ah well... i'll just stick it out. hopefully once this move is over, and management is more separate from us, the world will run a little smoother.
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i noticed that moxee is back - i was happy to see an update on her blog. i've said it before, but it's really funny when the people you read regularly don't post - you miss them a lot. or i do, anyway.

stacylicious is coming home this weekend for a flying 'goodbye' visit. she's been transferred to tdot. so i probably won't be seeing much of her. not like i have recently anyway - but toronto seems so far away. way farther than calgary. i miss her a bunch, already.

so it should be a fairly full weekend - mossy rocket is doing a show at the arts club theatre on friday, and saturday is stacy's dinner... mmm pepitas for mexican. not that i'm desperate for a cocktail or anything.. but i'm desperate for a friday cocktail and it's only.. shit i know this .. wednesday. that's it.

"it's hella sensitive"

why have i never purchased a cd doctor before? i came in the door and immediately repaired two of my cds as well as the perfect circle cd loaned to me by mmmmnickmmmm this afternoon (it was skipping on my drive home and making me batty)

yes, i did say nick. well, honestly, i never made any secret about totally crushing on him. and since i was off for donairs today, i went downstairs to see if he wanted one (like i always do).. then when i brought it back he was bellysurfing on one of the loading dollies.. just totally goofing around and being a kid. which i'm such a sucker for. i really do prefer boys II men. i'm such a geek though.. i always get flustered and blush... must find self a distraction. perhaps self should adopt a cat or six.

further chapter to the saga of dylan, the world's most high maintenace booty call: he actually called me monday night and bitched me out. the sum of his problem with me is that he is aware that he has issues with dating stupid women 'cause it's easy (his words, not mine) and i was reminding him of that by telling him not to worry about me cause no pressure i was happy just being friends if that's all he has to offer. yes, i know, it makes no sense to me either. so he succeeded in making me feel crappy (twice in one week! not bad for someone i have only made out with a few times).

i was relating this story to bun over our 'first thing in the morning' coffee yesterday morning. his response was "you end up dating the wierdest guys". it's true. i do. guilty as charged. no normal men here. please, only freaks and weirdos need apply.

despite your destination

yesterday when i was in the used book store, i saw a copy of the church cd with "under the milky way" on it and almost bought it. it's on the donnie darko soundtrack as well. so today when we watched the movie, i was reminded of how, when i was like 14 years old, that song made me feel the way that digital bath does now. actually it still does a little...

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty
Sound of their breath fades with the light
I think about the loveless fascination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Lower the curtain down on Memphis
Lower the curtain down all right
I got no time for private consultation
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

And it's something quite peculiar
Something shimmering and white
Leads you here despite your destination
Under the Milky Way tonight

Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find

Under the Milky way tonight...

i remember sitting in my room in the dark listening to that song over and over again.. i had the 45. i have vivid memories of sitting by the open window, on my bed, listening to the words and wishing i'd written them. same sense of sadness and aloneness, longing and yet hope... funny how some feelings never escape you. or you never escape them. hmm having another bronte moment.

i know that i isolate myself. i always have - i don't know what it is inside me that makes me do it though... what it is in my head that drives me away from the people that are good for me and to the people that are bad. i wish i knew what it was i'm looking for.

sleepy

i was perusing the black table webpage and came across a link to a page set up by a man named bill miller. he has posted this site as a way of finding someone willing to marry him and start a family. particularly disturbing were the 'erotic' photos. yes i did look. shut up.

i, i am sort of embarrassed to say, spent the entire day curled up watching dvds wth mike b. neither one of us had the energy to do anything except lie there and stare at the tv. i got to introduce him to a few of my faves, as neither one of us had the energy to go *rent* anything either. but we watched the sweetest thing, donnie darko, and so i married an axe murderer. i will admit to dozing briefly, but heck - i've had a rough week. i'm entitled.

sunday mornings

hello gentle readers and good morning to you... yes, that's right, all three of you..
first of all, for mike b:

though really, it's all for me...
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i just beeped mike b's phone - i realize that it's only 8.15am, and that he probably didn't get much sleep, but i did it anyway. such a brat i am.

why is it, you ask, that he may not have had much sleep? Well, let me tell you.

yesterday, of course, was valentine's day. i do have a certain amount of trepidation about holidays, usually, stemming from three years of bad ones courtesy of psychojeremy. the valentines curse was broken last year by monte - i think i mentioned it a few posts ago - but still i was a little worried.

all for naught, though. i had a great day. mike b and i went for brunch, then i made him take me to dig in the $5 bins at front (only found a little halter top this week. i think it's time for them to restock) then we went and looked at used books & cds (OOO a nancy drew book and a tears for fears greatest hits and a john sandford novel i don't think i've read yet!) then we rented a dvd and came back to mine.

we actually watched 13 - another oscar contender, i believe, but not necessarily the best choice for me - i spent half the film curled up in traumatized little ball, much to mike's distress. well done film, but topically.. i probably should have given it a miss. so i almost spent the evening at home reading nancy drew.

however, i sucked it up and went for martinis with moxee and mike b. and am so glad that i did. we started out the evening at honey in the deep red velvet chairs, then moved to wild rice, then on to a house party (more on that later). i did drink quite a lot - should not really try to keep up with people who have at least 7 inches on me. however a good time was had by all - i think i worried moxee though... had a sicky food thing. people who have spent a lot of time with me know that sometimes i have problems - as soon as i get rid of it i'm ok. megs can always tell when it's a) going to happen or b) has just happened. she says i get a funny look in my eyes.... ah well. i just left moxeelicious impressed with my ability to hurl and rally rather than try to explain it all.... mind you, i guess i just did.

so on to the house party - i called dylan to see if he wanted to join us for cocktails, but he was going to the party he had mentioned to me earlier in the week and asked if we wanted to go there. i asked him if he was ok with me being there... and he said ya. so we headed off - it was a total valentines costume thing... (moxee actually stole a foil wrapped cowboy hat off his head. somehow i ended up with it. i shall have to return it eventually i guess). i ended up having a wierd conversation with him. i noticed that when i came in he looked totally freaked out. i know he's having some relationship issues, so i sat him down and basically tried to tell him that he didn't have to worry about me. it was a party and i didn't want him to not have a good time or be uncomfortable cause i was there. he went off on a tangent about being in love with a woman he can't have and how he feels totally pressured... i tried to explain to him that i was just trying to be his friend - i can see him telling himself the things that i tell myself all the time. i don't really care if we ever shag again... but he was freaked out. anyway, it was a really odd conversation to get into and it left me in kind of a weird place. but then, it's just been that kind of week for me. i'll call him in a few days to get him his hat back, but i think that he's someone for me to just stay away from...

Anyhoo... the flirty stuff between mike & mox & me continued all evening. mox & i gave mike a couple of moments by having some kisses in the restaurant... but they went on to do more. it was building all nite, and was totally fun for me to watch.

but mike's on his way to pick me up for breakfast.. so i best wash my face and brush my hair, for fear of scaring the life out of him..

happy valentines day...

yes i know i'm an hour or two early. i just wanted it to be there when you got up.

thursday next

so i can honestly say that this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. but at the same time, it's been really amazing the way that the people in my life have reached out to me. so, for what it's worth, thank you all.
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so i'm supposed to go out with the yuppie again tomorrow night. i'm not sure how this has come about - i had an ok time while out with him, but at the same time it wasn't great. and all i really want to do at the end of this week is go out and get drunk. but not even drunk - beyond drunk. i want to get smashed; wasted. i want to make out with a stranger at the bar then leave him waiting by the dancefloor while i go to "the bathroom" and just never go back; i want to toilet paper trees and run down the street laughing my ass off; i want to wear a short skirt tight shirt feel like a woman - in short, i want to have a manic episode to go with my depressive week. is that a healthy desire?
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i was indulging my geek culture last night by watching a show on shakespeare, and was delighted to discover that, right afterwards, they were showing the first part in a series about the medici. it was fascinating, if slightly lo-ball. this part was discussing their rise to power and the way that they brokered power by investing in people who were on they way up in Florence society, rather than sticking to the usual ways of thinking. mind you, i missed the last 20 minutes - could not for the life of me stay awake no matter how hard i tried. result of a bad week, but i was quite disappointed. it's really quite amazing how, once your body decides it's going down, it's done.
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in another interesting turn of events, dylan called me last nite. he apologized for not keeping in touch with me, and for basically being a guy. he said that his personal life has been confusing and he felt bad. i pointed out that i hadn't called him either... but he still felt like he owed me something. i told him that i hadn't expected anything of him. i'd hate for him to feel like we can't be friends just because we've made out a few times. i'm pretty laid back, and i am a good friend. that's the important thing, as far as i'm concerned. i told him that if we ended up being more than friends, that might be fun, but i'm not too worried about it. he figured that he puts too much pressure on himself when it comes to women - wants to be everything for them all the time, then feels bad when he can't, so just avoids the situation entirely. which makes sense, to a certain extent. but at the same time is so frustratingly *male*.

for moxee and her bestial muse

"Reputation, reputation, reputation!
       O! I have lost my reputation.
       I have lost the immortal part of myself,
       and what remains is bestial".

              (from othello)

flang

i'd like to speak in the language of flowers

thank you

calvin

have i ever told you about my kid? i have this guy i live with - i know every mother says stuff like this, but honestly, he's amazing. he's so smart, and so caring, and so good at everything he tries. when earlier on i said that reading his poetry makes me feel ashamed i wasn't kidding. this is a kid who, at 14, was asked to be in the grade 12 creative writing class, cause that's how good he is. he has the fastest time ever in bc for the 14 year old boys 300m hurdles. the very first time he ever tried that race, he broke the meet record. when he was 13, he went to the provincial track and field championships and won 5 gold medals. this is a kid who hates to ask for stuff, cause for so long we were dead broke and i just couldn't afford to buy anything. you can see the look of dread on his face when he has to ask for money or anything.

the only thing is that my kid also has the same problems i do. no matter how good he does, he can't see it in himself. he sees himself as this loser who can't do anything right - he just wants to fit in and be liked cause he has such a big heart and has so much to give people. he's too caring and too sensitive. he's so much like me that it scares the hell out of me cause i know how it feels.

he's been having more and more trouble coping at school. the other day, a computer lab superviser noticed him doing an online suicide assessment, and paid attention long enought to notice that he scored high. he's been cutting his arms and experimenting with drugs. i don't know what it is that he needs that i can't give him.

maybe this is just a phase. maybe it's just something that lots of kids go through and he'll snap out of it and then we'll all look back on this year as his funny 'goth' phase and make fun of him for it.

but today one of the kids in his grade 12 class found him passed out in a pathway by the school. he'd drank a bottle of vodka because he was upset with himself for something or another. this kid picked him up and carried him home, then went and got his mother who's a nurse and came back and sat with him while he puked.

i'm so afraid that he's looking all over the world for something that he'll never find cause it actually lives within himself, but he's too hard on himself to actually see it. i'm so afraid that he'll have to go through the same stuff that i've gone through, but he won't be able to get pregnant and have that save him.

i go in and look at him sleeping and think of him as my little kid. but he's not anymore. he's 14 and he thinks at a level that's already way beyond me. all i can do is try and show him that i know what he's going through and that i love him and try to be here when he needs me. but is that going to be enough?

i am optimus prime

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

it says: "Vast, red and ready to turn into a lorry at the slightest provocation, you are a robot to be reckoned with. Although sickeningly noble, you just can't resist a good interplanetary war, especially when Orson Welles is involved. You have friends who can shoot tapes from their chests. Tapes that turn into panthers. And other friends who are dinosaurs. Dinosaurs who jump out of planes. Will you have my children?"

yes, yes i will.

more song lyrics

i think the only person who 'gets' what the lyrics to digital bath do to me is rori.
i can fall in and out of love between the beginning and the end of the song. it makes me feel so hopeful and so alone all at the same time. have i written about this before? i have the lyrics printed off on a piece of paper by my desk - sometimes i look at them and they make me want to cry, but sometimes i look at them and they make me feel exactly the opposite.

you move like I want to
to see like your eyes do
we are downstairs where
no one can see
new life break away
tonight I feel like more
tonight I
you make the water warm
you taste foreign
and I know you can see
the cord break away
cause tonight I feel like more
tonight I feel like more
tonight I feel
feel like more
you breathed
then you stopped
I breathed then dried you off
and tonight
I feel like more
tonight

i can put myself in the song. i can see myself in that room, feeling those things, invoking those feelings in someone else. i lose myself in words so easily.. that summer i almost lost it all i read three novels a day... i let the words wash over me... i put myself in the feelings of the people in the books, in the poems, in the songs. it's like a drug. the sensations are real, but so artificial. even now i read and read and read and lose myself in the characters and the settings and the stories...

sundae afternoon

so i'm having an enjoyable afternoon of hockey, fleece pants and a pink hoody. i've tidied my room, made a big brunch for calvin and sarah (i even cooked bacon!) and did some laundry for both me and our houseguest.

now i'm drinking tea, eating banana bread (bad sundae!) and doing some thinking - but then i just can't shut my brain off... it's the worst when i'm feeling kind of content. i start to wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.

sarah and daisy both asked me yesterday why mike b. and i don't date. i think i passed them off sort of flippantly, but it started me thinking. i'm fairly convinced it's a bad idea, but why?

i think it comes down to the fact that we are really really alike - which can be a good thing, but a bad thing, too, in that we are really alike in our relationship issues... and i think that, after the rori debacle, i am afraid of losing yet another friend because i'm an emotional cripple. it's kind of messed up, and i've said it before, but the reason i end up with 24yr old boys is because a) they don't challenge me on my bullshit and b) because i know they are only looking for a night or two with no complications. and i know that it's kind of self destructive, because it totally ends up confirming all the stuff i think i know about myself and relationships and people. but i do it anyway.

case in point - psychojeremy just called (seriously, just this second. i swear to got he's hardwired into my psyche - he knows when i'm weak and he strikes like a viper) to ask if i wanted to go for a drink and i said yeah. i know it's gonna make me feel like shit, and i know what he wants, and i know how it's gonna end up. but i said yes anyway...

i was watching sex and the city with mike b. last nite, and at the end of it, samantha comes out of the elevator and smith is waiting and she starts to cry and says that she hates herself for doing this to him... well i hate myself for doing this to me but i don't know how to stop.

i'm getting too old to stay up all night

last nite i went to a house party with mike b., his friend maria, and daisy. it was at the home of his other friend, georgia. we only stayed till 1.30 or so, but because i live out in the sticks, it was 2.30 till i got to bed.

i had to get up quite early, though. one of calvin's friends was leaving this morning to go live with his grandmother, as he didn't get along well with his mom. his flight was at 6.30, so he had to be at the airport by 5.30. that is well before any public transit is practical, so the original plan was for him to sleep in the airport, because his mom doesn't have a car. this is a 16 year old kid. calvin naturally asked me if he could sleep at the airport, as well, to keep him company - this is how i became apprised of the situation. so i said, of course, no. however, i volunteered to drive josh to the airport this morning. so i had only been in bed for just under 2hours when the alarm went off again. but there was no way i was going to let a kid spend the nite in the airport alone.

the second part to this story is that we also have a guest in our spare room this morning. calvin's other friend, sarah, had a fight with her mother the other day and was thrown out of the house. this 14 YEAR OLD GIRL has been couch surfing since wednesday. she went to her house yesterday to pick up some clean clothes and things, and her brother slammed the door in her face and would not let her in. this 14 YEAR OLD. what the hell is her family thinking?

my mom and i were talking about it a bit this morning. she is as befuddled as i - it's as though an entire generation of children are being raised to believe that they don't matter as much as their parents' jobs or lives. and here, i have to bow my own head in shame a bit, because i have been caught up in work. as a single mom it's been really hard to provide for us sometimes without putting in really really long hours. even now, with my commute, it takes me forever to get home from work at the end of the day. i don't spend as much time with my kid as i should. i'm fully guilty of that. but i do try to make special time for him. and i will make a full effort to do more. and i hope to god he knows how much he means to me. i try to tell him as often as i can without making it meaningless.

i don't know. i don't have any answers. but just cause kids don't seem like kids doesn't mean that they aren't. they still need to be guided and looked after and loved. but then, i guess adults do, too.

one of the funniest things i've seen all week

this man after my own culinary heart has made janetjackson's breast cupcakes. i am in love.

saturdays

what a lovely day.... met up with sarah u and mike b for a round of brunch and vintage store shopping.. came home to calvin hanging out playing video games with his friends in our house (something he does too rarely) and the smell of veggie lasagne made just for me baking in the kitchen. this evening i shall venture out to a house party with people i don't know, wearing my fun new skirt, i think. it's really quite lovely - cut on a diagonal and splashed with giant red poppy-like flowers. there are too few days like this; the kind that leave you feeling a little tired but content and at peace with the world.

maktaaq has posted some of her high school poetry... i am sort of tempted to track down mine. however, it is probably at the bottom of a huge box in the very back of the storage room. so it's probably best to leave it. really that makes me sound lazy - truth be told, i'm afraid of spiders and dust bunnies, two things our storage room is quite overrun with. i usually have calvin dig things out for me, but that would involve me telling him what i'm looking for, which would involve him wanting to read it, which would involve him laughing most heartily at me as he is so much more talented in that area than i ever have been or probably ever will be. as a parent, i have to tell you that it's a mixed blessing to see your child outclass you at most of the things they attempt. it makes you proud for them, but a little ashamed to be you...

apology

i do want to apologize for the poorly rendered poem below, and offer a bit of an explanation for inflicting it upon everyone.

i used to write - a lot. poetry, mostly, but also some short fiction and definitely a great deal of theory-esque non fiction. even gave some readings, here and there... unfortunately, in the grad school/relationship hell that sort of occupied my attention for 3 years i lost the drive and apparently the ability.

sooo... this blog is actually my first attempts to get back into it. work doesn't really allow me to be creative (had my performance review the other day, and when pam asked me what i found most challenging about my position i had to say completely relearning how to think and interpret information) so this is my way of reteaching myself how to play with words and language; how to make my thoughts go from my brain to my hands...

it'll take a bit to get going again, and i'm sure there will be numerous dodgy offerings like the posting(s?) below. so i apologize in advance.

poe(m)

elaborate upon this
  ...hypothesis
    a reaction for every action

re-action replays the act re
  calls the play.

rewind the words which
  play
    upon re
      word re
        write the act

recall the words re
  spoken re
  wind the action re
  voke the play

actions re
    verberate

elaborate
upon this -
  i am the action to
    your
    re
action

re
lease the words
re
tell the story
re
verberate upon
me

bleak and powerless II

i'm really worried about calvin. i know that he hasn't been that happy... and he's not hanging out with the best people in the world. he seems to be giving up on the things that make him happy.. or is it that not much is making him happy anymore?

he's got the bad end of the stick, for sure. my dad has a mood disorder, as do i, as does his dad. so there's not much chance that he hasn't been affected in some way or another. i just hope that we can help him get happy again. he's the whole world to me. i can't imagine going through life without him around.

nothing surprises me anymore.

i heard on the radio on the way home today that someone in knoxville tn is suing janet jackson, justin timberlake, mtv and (i think) abc for bearing the booby at the superbowl. i'm not sure that i'm surprised - it is the american way to attempt to get rich quick at the expense of others. why not sue jt for showing the american public a breast mostly covered by a hideously ugly piece of metal?

interesting

strangely enough...

today is not sunny, and the scissor lifts were nowhere in sight...

completely separate and unrelated

well, sort of not, cause nick's the 'inbetween' thing that i did that means that the other will never happen...

i finally got the balls to ask him(nick, not the other) what was going on... i mean, i knew the answer, but i needed to *know* the answer, you know? and it's what i knew i knew the answer to be... but whatever. it still feels kind of crappy. i got the blah blah blah working together blah blah blah just want to be selfish blah blah blah.. the ususal boy crap. i stopped him mid flow and told him he didn't have to explain himself to me. i just wanted to know what was going on. i told him that i wasn't looking for a boyfriend.. that it never works out for me when i do.... and that he doesn't owe me anything. i could tell he was feeling sort of bad, but there is no reason for it, so i tried to reassure him. i hang out with young boys and they act like young boys - i deserve pretty much everything i get. so i feel ego bruised and kind of sad.. but mostly cause i think we could have had some fun.

but in all honesty there is still the other... and i don't know if i could really get away from it, considering. what's the song? "you are still a whisper on my lips.. feeling at my fingertips.. pulling at my skin.. days go by and still i think of you.."

i've asked mike b. to smack me when i start liking the next one. he said that he will do it, unless they are good. i pointed out that i never really like the good ones, so there isn't much chance of that happening.

hmmm

how come sometimes you meet someone and you are attracted to them... and for some reason or another it doesn't work out between the two of you.. but the scent of him clings to your skin, and he's always sort of at the edge of your peripheral vision, whether he's in the room or not? so you begin to wonder if it is just you... but you catch him watching you from time to time with an expression on his face that might be..... longing? and you begin to wonder to yourself why you thought that it wouldn't work out to begin with... but know that you have done things in the meantime that have ensured that nothing else will ever come about. but at the same time, you can't escape the idea that your lives are intertwined, for some reason or another....

wednesday

i usually really dislike wednesdays - halfway through the week and usually nearly interminable. but today was not bad. mind you, after yesterday, most days would be an improvement.
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on the way home this evening, i noticed off to the side of the road a herd of scissor lifts, necks fully extended, grazing from the tops of buildings. they all faced together towards the setting sun in a herbivorous salute to the pretty end of day. i wonder what caused them to gather there; what migratory instinct brought them together on this february wednesday...

the darkness

a quote from someone else's blog that succinctly describes my feelings on the matter: "Perhaps I am excessively judgmental in believing that anyone who looks like the bastard child of Robert Plant and Steve Perry via Austin Powers's dentist has no business as a rock god. "

and just because everyone else is talking about it

here are some fun shots of justin and janet. man, if jt wanted to bare my nipples i gotta say i would not necessarily object.

a story

this is a jp and andrea story.

jp and andrea are my image of the perfect couple. they have their own lives but they have such a great life together. they are my 'couple' hero. they were married this past thanksgiving (that would be the canadian, not the american). i spent all day saturday on top of a 30ft ladder stringing long swooping pieces of white gauze across the ceiling of the hall, then chucking autumn leaves into the centres, trying to transform a gymnasium into a room that i would want my best friends to be married in. but i digress.

the party was, essentially, thirty family members and 100 friends - cheap drinks, fun music and lots of dancing. someone had given jp celebratory cigars, and the girls snagged one and headed outside to smoke it and giggle. andrea's mom was putting something in the car, or getting something out of the car - whatever she was coming back into the hall - and busted us all standing outside smoking this little vaguely fruity smelling cigar.

now what you have to understand about andrea's mom is that she is very small and very eastern european, and very traditional. she came past us and looked upon the group in general, but andrea specifically, very disapprovingly. she then marched inside and straight up to jp: "your wife is outside smoking marijuana!". yes, she fully ratted her daughter out to her new son-in-law. jp smiled, told andrea's mom that he'd handle it, and wandered off in the direction of the door so that it *looked* like he was handling it. he then told andrea all about it when she came back in. she told all of us and we laughed and were secretly jealous that she's so lucky...

it's *so* not just me

case in point. i've only half been watching this rather lacklustre hockey game, but i've heard the announcers say these things: "Ohlund's up against it... Ohlund goes off". then, just now: "Sandwiched by Swedes! Naslund and Ohlund!"

bored

so i was bored and updated the look of my blog. i think i'm going to set up a geocities account so that i can store images, then use them. hmm a thought anyway.

calvin and i went to see the butterfly effect this afternoon. strangely, it did not suck as badly as i thought it would. indeed, i can say that i actually liked it. it did, of course, cop out at the end but it is hollywood, after all. what can i expect.

the film did bring me back to my pet project of a few years ago, though: going around and asking random strangers if they could go back and re-make one decision that they made, somewhere in their past, what would it be, and how do they think their lives would be different?

it's an interesting question, because everybody has one thing that they would change if they could. i'm a big believer in not having regrets; i fully know that the decisions that i have made have created the person that i am today. it's just that sometimes i'm not sure that i *like* the person that i am today. if i remade a few of those decisions, how would i be different? how would i be the same?

case in point: after a particularly bad blow-out with psychojeremy, i had more or less made the decision to move to vancouver. i was done teaching for the semester; had no more coursework; had no real commitments to bind me to where i was. what would be different if i hadn't gone into the cafe to pick up my things and let him convince me that we could work it out? i can remember the look on his face as i turned and walked out; i remember the song playing on the stereo (chicane and bryan adams, don't give up); i remember the feeling of abject sorrow in the pit of my belly; i remember the blast of cold air hitting me as i stepped out onto the winter street and pulling my car over a block down the road to cry; i remember the cell phone calls and him pleading with me to rethink my decision: "lisa don't leave me. i hate the thought of my world without you in it. you aren't supposed to go."

even thinking about it now makes me feel sick. but imagine if i'd just kept going? left my stuff at the cafe, given my notice on my apartment (the rent was paid for another month), rented a moving van and left? all of the shit that went on for another 2 years would never have happened. or would it have? were our lives intricately intertwined for a period of time and, no matter what decision i made, would have stayed that way?

and what good things would have been lost? calvin would never have had the success at track that he had in the next two seasons; he never would have developed the closeness with his dad; i would never have become so close to JP and Andrea.

it's a strange thing to think about.

bleak and powerless

here's a bleak outlook on life. talk about a wonder killer. you know, it's only been in the last few years that i thought maybe i'd want to get married some day. on closer inspection (i.e. talking to some of the women who i know who actually ARE married) i may have to rethink this. scary, really.

someone else's brilliance

this is a quote from a blog that i happened upon earlier:

"Viruses are so last year. I don't understand why these virus makers don't get more creative. They could turn us all into unwitting participants in a massive social experiment/soap opera, but instead they mess up our computers. Ooooh! How brilliant!
If they really wanted to fuck with everyone and change the course of history, they would make one of these:
Two Suggested Viruses
*A virus that sends out every saved draft email to its originally intended recipient.
*A virus that sends the last twenty emails you've sent out, to everyone in your address book.
Jobs would be lost, relationships would disintegrate, tears would be shed, phone lines would be tied up for hours. And the whole damn thing could be sponsored by an alcohol company. "

i, personally, am particularly fond of the second option. that tickles my naughty bone. i have to admit to having certain, um, i won't say psychopathic but they are definitely not normal, tendencies sometimes. a bit of the devil living in me... the desire to go out and raise hell... cause a little trouble. the last time this happened and i went looking for nick (who, in remarkable twist of synchronicity, had skipped out of work to go shopping), his comment was "Total Irish girl!", which, i suppose is true. i never have the desire to physically hurt people... just make mischief: take french fries off the plates of total strangers, or steal popcorn from the bucket of the person sitting in front of me in theatres; gently tip people over when they are bending over, stork like, tying their shoes; undo bra straps and string-tied halter tops; things like that. the second virus idea is something that i wish i'd dreamed up. mind you, i'd probably be writing this from an CRTC-sponsored room in a cozy federal penitentiary, if it had.

oscars

the oscars are on feb. 29. mike b. and i are plotting an oscars party - this is something i've always wanted to do. so we are now soliciting donations of a long red carpet to put down the main hall of his house. we can have people arrive on the red carpet and take their photo as they arrive along the red carpet....

i don't necessarily buy into the oscars as a standard of film making, but i sure do love the glitz and glitter surrounding them. too much fun. a couple of years ago, psychojeremy and i had a particularly crazy party weekend, and didn't go to bed all weekend. he passed out on the couch beside me, but i am quite proud to say that i managed to stay awake all the way through..

i must say i'm getting overly excited about this already... is a month early too early to anticipate a party?

i'm also going to create an "oscars checklist" for myself... see if i can manage to watch as many of the films as possible before the big night. ooo fun!

to bronte or not to bronte

this evening i went to nevermind to watch the canucks with mike b. and ate enough to feed a small african nation for a week. mmmm mahi tuna tacos and mmmm chocolate mousse and mmmm more caesars... found myself gazing at the cute boy across the room... which, of course, led to the discussion of me voting nick off the island. mike asked why i had done it. i tried to explain the sense that he was either a) not interested at all, or b) not interested enough. he asked if it maybe was just nick's nature. i think that he may be right.

however... my question is this:

how do you explain to a guy that you aren't ready for a relationship, but want to "hang out" kind of regularly, without coming off sounding like a slut? i'm basically monogamous by nature, but i do have a fairly overactive sex drive. so.. if i don't have something regular, i usually go looking for the irregular. but that's not really me. i'm ok with a booty call kind of situation, but would prefer a friend who i can sleep with now and again. that works the best for me.

mike figures that it's the 'regular' aspect to that which is dangerous. regular sex usually turns into relationship. however, i think i'm ok with that, as long as it was a slow gradual evolution. he's still skittish, but then it's only been a short while since alana.

so, in essence, i'm intrigued by nick. i'd like to shag him again.. he tasted sweet, and a little smoky. it was fun. so how do i tell him that i'd like to hang out with him once or twice a week to have drinks, maybe go out dancing, and shag? or should i just let it go and move on to the next one?

hmmm

i was driving along to pick up mike b for lovely early afternoon pay per view game at nevermind when it occurred to me to telephone nick. so i did.. caught him playing his guitar (as always)... and awaiting a friend who was picking him up to retrieve island girls from the ferry. i think that i'm fighting (well, not really fighting so much as vaguely keeping an eye on) a lost cause. so.. enough of him. ergo, we vote him off the island in much the same fashion as we voted nate. ta da!

my mama offered to fill my tank with gas if i chauffeured her around richmond today, which i did because i'll take free gas at any time. i was grumbling about student loan payments earlier, so she asked me to break them down for her -- when i did she looked sort of stunned. then looked even more stunned when i casually mentioned my weekly gas expenditures. it was at this point that she proposed the locomoted by me fueled by her shopping expedition.

dream

a sure sign that it is now time to get rid of my vw (i'm not sure why i've been reluctant so far. nostalgia? laziness? ennui?): i dreamed last night that i was driving through vancouver with calvin and we came to an intersection on flash (ah the joys of vancouver drivers and four way stops). some poor guy was out in the middle of the intersection attempting to direct traffic. my turn came, and i eased out into the intersection trying to make a left turn. some idiot in a bmw shot through and clipped my car. flash - as i get out of my little neon, it turns into my vw. calvin and i are remarkably unsurprised by this, though i did comment to him "that's funny - why did we bring this car? it's not even insured...".

toast

i think that this is one of those weekends when i shall just keep drinking coffee... perhaps then i shall manage to approach lucidity.

my mom is falling prey to the atkins low-carb phenomenon. as my sister vehemently pointed out every time she saw one of the (increasingly, disturbingly, numerous) atkins commercials "THE MAN DIED AT AN UNREASONABLY YOUNG AGE!". anyhoo... she has purchased this low-carb bread from the grocery store, at some expense. it is approximately the size, texture, and thickness of a rye crisp cracker. so, standing at the toaster this morning, we were comparing the nutritional value of our respective choices. i had selected a loaf of hazelnut poppyseed bread, full of oats, walnuts and brazil nuts. the slices are thick and chewy, and make wonderful toast. Mine: 130 calories and 18 grams of carbs per slice. Hers: 60 calories and 6 grams of carbs per slice. the truth though, is in the fact that mine was at least twice as thick and at least twice as large as hers... i felt myself strike a blow for those of us who refuse to eat well...

as a side note.. while spell checking this entry, i noticed that one of alternatives offered for "carb" was crap. i say - huzzah.

friday at last (again)

i can't believe how glad i am that this week has finally come to an end. i don't even think i am capable of writing much more this weekend.. two caesars and a week of not-enough-sleep/too-much-work/no-stress-breakers has left me incapable....

homesick

andrea, one of my very good friends, just rang my mobile with a really funny story. turns out that someone they've been chatting with fairly regularly is calvin's dad -- they've never made the connection. i'm trying to figure out how they didn't know. the two of them look so much alike it's crazy... but this whole thing totally speaks to mike b.'s thoughts on connections.

starts me feeling a little maudlin though. homesick, really. strange to think that you can be homesick for a place you hated so much. i miss hanging out with jp & andrea; having good dinners and watching tv; drinking tea or wine and talking and talking and talking... i miss monte and darren; i miss walking to value village, and shopping at the little italian market; i miss hanging out at the track talking with sandra and travis and yelling at calvin as he runs past; i miss sitting at the uni watching the world go by; i miss cooking dinners in my kitchen and looking out the window watching calvin run across the road, and drinking chai and eating fresh baking with him in the evenings while the snow falls outside; i miss lying in my bed on sunday mornings reading the paper and drinking coffee...

i guess it's what i've been talking about for a while now. i just miss feeling connected to people, you know? i don't have a home, here, i have a place where i sleep. i only have one or two people i can call friends, rather than acquaintances.

granted.. i'm fully 'getting my period' moody... but this is something i've been thinking about for a while.

flaming lips

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realize
We're floating in space?
Do you realize
That happiness makes you cry?

Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do you realize?

Do you realize
That everyone you know someday will die?
And instead of saying all of your good-byes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Do you realize
That you have the most beautiful face?

Do you realize?

milkshake

i'm glad to see i'm not alone in wondering what the heck the milkshake song is all about. indeed, i believe it's a bit of a cultural phenomenon.

work

we had our not so regular monthly lunch today... the ceo gathers us all downstairs and shows us a powerpoint presentation (oh that powerpoint! will it haunt me forever?) talking about how the company's doing blah blah blah. i noticed something interesting in the quarterly projections for employee levels -- the second forecast 7 less bodies than the first. startled, i leaned over and asked our department head who was losing their jobs... he hadn't noticed the figure and complemented me on being observant. hopefully this was some sort of test and i just passed, thereby ensuring i'm not one of the seven...

Your nose hairs scare me.

Any person or persons who wish to deliver a surreal compliment must cease and desist from all practices of procreation and appeal to the county clerk for permission by filling out form #345/3.098/27 in triplicate, signed, the person who can and will repeat your subversive tendencies.


really, though, in the grand scheme of things, aren't all compliments sort of surreal? for example:
the guy that was talking to me and took my picture last saturday night sent me an email asking me to meet him for a drink. specifically a drink in yaletown. i'm not sure what the implications of that particular factoid are, but anyhoooo... when i relayed this sort of amusing tidbit to mike b., he stated "I knew he would.". i asked how he could know something like that -- wondering if there was some kind of 'between the guys' sort of discussion that had occurred while i was in the restroom or something. he replied that "of course he would - you are an attractive woman" but i'm sure he said it more poetically than that. a really nice compliment from a good friend.. but still it makes me sort of look over my shoulder, convinced he's referring to someone else. that, or that he's gonna open his eyes and go "hoo! what was i thinking!". just sort of surreal, that's all.

The goats you buy shed a perfume that makes Marxism so terribly clear to me.

surrealistic compliment generator

hump day

do most boys understand that when you ask them to "watch a video", you are pretty much just asking them if they want to make out? i've put the question to monster, as mike b is not around and so i have no boy advice on this burning question. his answer? "yes. it's the code word". glad to hear that, at least on this level, there is a common language between the genders.
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i'm beginning to think that this week will never end. i realize that it's wednesday, and we are now most of the way though the week, it's just that i'm fairly sure that i still have a full week's worth of work ahead of me. which blows a lot. ah well... soldier forth and all of those pithy platitudes from the days of empire...
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i was reading someone else's blog earlier (who, me? no!) and being amused by their anti-valentine's day rant. i understand it to a certain point - there is a great deal of pressure put on romantic relationships for that one day. but a the same time.. words have only as much power as you feed into them. yes, it's constructed by hallmark. yes, it's commercial. but it's kind of silly, too. i, for one, had the best valentine's day of my life last year, with the aforementioned montelicious. we drank a great deal, i cooked a great meal, and we ended up sitting on the couch listening to music and talketty talketty talking till i more or less passed out. unfortunatly, he is headlining a party this year, so is standing me up. any volunteers for replacements?

hmm

my face is starting to break out.. logic would blame the cheese slice on my veggie burger, along with the non-fat vanilla latte consumed in a fit of guilty decadence earlier today. but since we recently decided that all bad things that happen to me are to be blamed on rori... it's his fault. DAMN YOU RORI!

best part about other people's blogs

is finding links to cool other stuff.

the strange thing about reading other people's blogs is that when you go to them and they haven't updated them you feel strangely deprived.

oo hockey's on. canucks.com has a great shot of ohlund's *ahem* back end. not that i'm dwelling on a topic or anything tonite...

my ass

i was reading pamie's blog (i say this like we're buddies or something. she wrote a book. about her blog. i attach myself to her literary success vicariously. i'm a book leech. i admit it. feel better?) in which she discusses obsessing about her ass, because she was once overweight. she points out that it's not her best 'feminist' moment, but she sincerely worries about how her bum looks. the interesting thing is that i, too, am ass-obsessed. i waver between worrying that my posterior is too small (i refer to my ass as my lack thereof an ass, most of a time) to worrying that it is too big. this is because i, too, lost about 30lbs a couple of years ago.. a large portion of which previously resided, i'm sure, squarely on my behind. so i have these wierd moments when i look in the mirror and see a GIANT ASS. then i have these other wierd moments when i look in the mirror and see two twigs protruding directly from a torso. not that it's a theme i've been flirting with this past week or anything, but i think it's funny. here i am - a feminist. i mean, my family has fairly standard gender roles, but we were never raised to think we needed a man for anything - always taught to be self reliant etc.. and my minor was gender studies for god's sake. but i still get caught up in not loving my body; being caught up in body image.

(for the record, i previewed my blog and realized that i said *ass* about a million times, so went back and pretty much exhausted my inner thesaurus looking for synonyms)

there are no boundaries to my love for chocolate

"YOU! only I'm allowed to work for 12 hours!" - or so said the department manager as he discovered me huddled in my hobbithole-esque corner. what a crappy crappy day at work. ben is out of hand - had a fit this morning when i commented on his seemingly incessant bad mood. he's pushing me to the limits, man... not to mention i spent from 2pm-7pm doing comparing two very large spreadsheets line by line... but at least now i know that they are right.

on happier notes.. nick called me as i was driving home.. just to say hello i think. which is nicer than i should like to admit. i tried to sneak away to the downstairs lunchroom for 10 minutes before production took their break at noon today, but am physically incapable of consuming thai pumpkin and tofu red curry that quickly, so there was some overlap. therefore... they got to watch me eat for a bit. also... today i headed off to work sporting my new cowgirl skirt overtop of rather long black pants... seemed to be a fashion success.

i really really need to go to the library.

wow what an uninspired blog. i do apologize to future me, reading this at some point days, months or even years from now. really, we aren't this boring.

rumi

…You’re in love with love,
And love is not in your control,
So I am not the whole you seek,
But only part right now.

-Rumi

and in other news...

i noticed (and briefly responded too) the comment in response to my last blog, but i think that i want to wander through with more depth...

philip slater wrote in the pursuit of loneliness that the ideal of romance limits significant relationships. that, by definition, the pursuit of your romantic match will lead you searching for tragic and, essentially, nonexistent relationships. i came across this author while reading a blog -- the blog writer agreed with slater and cited magazine and media representations of the "beautiful people" with their airbrushed skin and perfectly constructed bodies as proof positive of this. i would extend that to the representation of romantic love as perpetuated by popular media - especially media directed at women. i think that it is a sense of completion that these women seek -- their perfect romantic match. which posits an interesting question - how culpable is the media in rising divorce rates? that question may seem somewhat naive. but is it? the past 40 years have taught women that they should stand up for what they believe in -- freedom from opression, free expression of sexuality and creativity etc. why should the search for the perfect romantic partner be any different? truly this is a western conundrum. but then, aristophanes' myth of the perfect other is a western construction as well...

like imelda, but better looking

i'm not so sure what i want to write about today. perhaps about the perils of crushing on 24yr old boys (cause that's what they really are. i didn't dub nate "the puppy" for no reason -- though he's not 24). but i think that i have dwelled upon that particular theme long enough.

went with mike b. to the birthday party of his exgirlfriend last nite. spent the evening talking to people i don't know. which was good for me, for sure. i'm not so good at that -- i tend to stay within my protective shell most of the time and only associate with people i know fairly well. i think i did well. i'm not about to go out all on my own, by any means. but maybe someday.

i still have my fascination with pulp novels centred around the single woman ala bridget jones. i'm really interested in the difference between the way the british represent her and the americans. along that vein, i just finished reading a 'gossip girl' novel. this is a series, apparently, which casts various girls from upscale new york private schools... (probably more intended for the late teen reader but twigged my fascination with both my theme, and my previous obsession with the dissemination of gossip as a modern version of the oral tradition). anyhooo.. it wasn't a well written piece of literature, by any means. but one particular line twigged my fancy: "you can't let assholes turn you into an asshole". well said.

back to my theme, though. i'm of the mind that this genre is just a dressed up version of the serial romance novel. the characters don't fall neatly into the 'girl meets man, hates man, realizes she loves man, marries man' trope, but they are not far off. they masquerade as 'feminist', but are still buying into the stereotypes that women are not necessarily complete without a man. mind you, i've been caught in that pattern myself of late. but i don't think it's a "man" that i'm looking for specifically -- it's more of a sense of belonging. which, of course, you get when you have a steady partner.

i'm also feeling quite nesty. really want to clean up my closet, purge myself of unneeded clothes and baggage. it's time for calvin and i to get our own place for sure. spring...

ooo speaking of books, i have several selections waiting for me at the library. the first batch of my 'best of 2003' books, and some other 'just for fun' ones. i really like the library. what a great invention. i wonder, though, if i should renew my copy of "non-technical guide to project management" or if i should just admit that i'm not going to get through it?

just as i suspected

my friend todd's greatest quote is "McDonalds - it doesn't make you feel full, it just makes you feel.... different".

this is an interesting article about a man who ate only mcdonalds for 30 days. it's really quite scary.

wonder killer

ok i'm officially spending too much time in front of my computer today. mind you, if i wasn't, i would not have run across my new favourite description for myself : wonder killer.

though i don't like to think of it as 'killing wonder'. i'm *girl wonder*. i just like to think about stuff... sometimes outloud... and if you don't want to know the answer to your question, don't ask me, dammit... ok i'm done now.

more and more

i don't think my mom appreciates the coolness of my new skirt (stretchy and white with black cowgirls all over it). she seemed unimpressed. well, she's my mom after all. i guess i can't expect too much. i went vintage store shopping on main with mike b. came out with several good finds - said skirt, a grey sweater style tube top and this wicked green corduroy coat with fun fur cuffs and collar that is very much in time with my whole 'bronte' theme of the past few days. i also picked up calvin a red plaid old man shirt and a new hoody. all for $60 or so. quite reasonable i thought. i also had scrambled tofu from the naam for brunch.. after talking about it all week i couldn't resist. too bad i don't have jen's number - it would have been nice to give her a call.

i do believe i shall be sad if nick doesn't call... ah well. what can you do?

distillers lyrics (yes i do have a life)

Hall Of Mirrors

I come down like a hurricane sucked up inside
I spit out the suffer, yeah
You say you want a revelation,
Revel in this my lover
You’re free at liberty is this what you want?
Sometimes I wonder…

[Chorus]
There’s a highway to, to the edge, yeah
Once a night you will drive yourself there
At the end of the road you will find the answer
At the end of the road you will drink the fear

I come down like a bloody rain cuts up flesh sky,
Pulse beating under, yeah
Meat petals bloom in a bone garden
Ain’t no god, no ghost gonna save you now

I sell souls at the side of the road
Would you like to take a number

[Chorus]

Take your time, come on, get what you come for don't
Waste my time, come on, get what you come for don't
waste my time, come on, get what you come for don't
waste my time, come on, get what you come for

[Chorus]

I watched you burn in the eye of my sun
I fucked you in the eye of my sun

I watched you burn in the eye of my sun (in the eye of my sun) yeah yeah
[repeat x3]
I fucked you in, in the eye of my sun (in the eye of my sun) yeah yeah
Yeah yeah...

saturday nights alright for fighting

so most of vancouver is still asleep, recovering from the nickleback extravaganza of last eve. another happening event i failed to attend. well, i can't be a poetically tragic loner if i am too social, now can i? mind, i could give two shakes about nickleback. probably a sign that rori and i could never work - one that i should have picked up on much earlier - is his love for not only nickleback but also kid rock. who, i will grant, is a decent hip hop producer. but that's all i'll give him. stringy haired creep.

i woke this morning on the road to recovery from my cold, but with the kind of neck/head ache that comes from a restless night. i forgot to open my window last nite before climbing into bed and so i think that the stale air got to me. i do have a tendency to hold tension between my shoulder blades. oh i have to remember to try and find out about that reflexology class. calvin expressed interest in attending with me.

i can't actually remember what i was dreaming about all night, but i awoke with the sense that something had been lost. i don't know what it is - it's just a kind of bereft sense of missing something or someone. i feel the need to make a major change in my life - perhaps i am just looking for some direction. it's my purpose that is lost.

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it's funny the way that i get caught up in the lives of the characters of the books i'm reading - they become like real people to me. i have to be careful because my fantasy life does tend to be richer than my true life. is that a sign of some kind of disorder? how easy would it be for me to slip into my dream world; to totally lose touch with my reality? stacy used to laugh at me - watching me choose a personality to wear out for the evening like it was a frock or a costume, standing at the verge of the club or the party and taking a breath and slipping it into place like you slip a dress over your head and down past your hips. it's the days when i'm tired that i have bad days at work - i can't quite muster the energy to pull the mask out of the bag and place it over my face.

the sad thing is, though, that so few people know who i really am. why is it that its so easy to let so few people in past the mask? why did mike b. get in so easily, for example? actually, that's an easy question to answer -- we started out talking to each other almost exclusively on msn. actually we still talk that way most of the time, and see each other in person a couple of times a week. nick only knows the work / party me (the work me is just a toned down version of the party me. both personalities require the same energy and effort). well, i guess he's seen glimpses - christmas treats for him & nate; the poem i wrote out for him; the cake for nate. but spread so thin...

darren says that i still have my walls up. that i haven't properly healed from psychojeremy, and that i never will until i let someone in -- someone who isn't guaranteed to hurt me, thereby justifying my determination to keep people at a distance. remarkably astute for a young guy. mind you, he'd like to be that person. but i know he's just thinking about me. my question, that no one seems to be able to answer, is HOW? how do i do it? how do i let the right people in and keep the wrong people out? it's not like i don't identify the wrong people right off the bat -- knew rori was gonna be trouble from day one -- but still those are the people who i bring into my world.

i don't know. any ideas?

not having any sex in the city

pam and ibrahim and i were heading out for a post-work cocktail. i invited oana along but she had plans. she said it was rare that she actually had plans, because she usually does nothing. to which i responded in kind, much to her surprise. she said that from reading my blog it sounds like i lead an interesting life. i think that it's just because it's someone else's life. only i know the true day to day dullness of my life. not to mention exactly how much time i spend curled up with tea and the dog reading. but that's part of my 'me' time, i guess.

tomorrow i believe i shall go thrift store shopping. perhaps on main street. i need a fun new purchase or two to get me over the bad week hump. it seems like there has been more than a few of those in a row. nick told me to take him the next time i go value villaging. however.. he tends to sleep through the day and that drives me insane. i'm not good at waiting for people to get up when i want to do things with my day.

goals for the oncoming week:

• get up in time to get to tim hortons on my way to work
  
• try not to worry about the following things: boys, my figure, my rapidly shrinking intellect, money
  
• try to go for a *gasp* run, since i'm doing the damn sun run
  

i should probably add more to this list.

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watching sex and the city makes me feel sort of odd - it's super funny, but at the same time it makes me feel both vindicated and a little alone. i like the idea of being a smart stylish successful single girl. but i sort of am afraid of the fact that they all seem a little... i don't know... lost without a man. is this my fate?

sex and the city

so here i am, 9.45 on a friday nite. most noticeable in my absence from the jupiter room and ginger 62. or any other 'happening' place on a friday in vancouver. however... i didn't really feel like going. he just really really likes himself. and the whole asking for a threesome with me and sarah was a little over the top for me. though, i suppose, with a name like jesus, what was i expecting?
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i started the gossip tongues a-waggin at work today. two days ago it was nate's birthday. honestly, for some reason i had the 26th in my head. i've never been very good with dates. it was the 21st. bad me. sooo... i went rushing out as soon as i could break away this afternoon, and brought a cake in just in time for the afternoon coffee break in production. i just came in, dropped it off, gave him a birthday hug, gave the "cake!" call to everyone else and went on my way. i hadn't been back at my computer for five minutes when daisy was buzzing me asking me what the relationship was between nate and i. it took me a really long time to convince her otherwise. i guess there is now massive speculation in the downstairs... nate was blushing like crazy after i left. i didn't mean to embarrass him. i just think everyone should get cake on their birthday.

bronte

earlier, was bemoaning the fact that i didn't live in a time when listening to your heart was more appropriate than listening to your head. i wish i lived in a time when i could be an angst-ridden eccentric attic-dweller who dressed in a man's clothes (and still shocked people for doing so), and wrote long sweeping epic novels. of course, i'd probably have to be dying of consumption at a tragically young age. mind you, given the quality of the coughing going on in this part of the world, this evening, i could be very well dying of consumption even as we speak. mike b. gave me honorary bronte status. so, henceforth, i shall think of myself as bronte.

this is by no means a hubris-inspired overinflated estimate of my writing skill, mind you. just a faint longing for scribbling in a notebook while walking along mist covered craggy moors and a torrid romance to write about...

ok so i may be a touch - just a touch mind you - sick

i think that i've finally admitted it. i'm sick. as oana pointed out -- admitting you have a problem is the first step towards getting well. my stomach and back muscles hurt from coughing. my nose is a mucous factory. it's not a pretty thing by any means.

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you know, i think i've given up on this whole 'men' thing. i mean, i tried to "date" -- nate and jesus -- and we all know how well that went. it's just an unnatural state of being for me. so after those fiascos i thought to myself, well the heck with it. i've got guy friends; why don't i just let one of those friendships go beyond -- rori -- and we all know how well that went. not only did i end up feeling kind of nasty, i lost a friend too. so there must be some middle ground, right? i wish i could go for celibacy, but that is *so* not in my nature. what's a girl to do?
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so something strange happened today... i'm not sure on the details. i remember drinking some neo citran (black cherry for coughs), then after that it all goes kind of hazy. the next thing i know, i'm on the company Sun Run team -- Megs has joined us up and apparently i agreed willingly. that's it - no more cold drugs at work for me. my coworkers just take advantage...
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well that's it for me, folks. i'm gonna put cold forumla aromatherapy oil in my burner, curl up with my dog and my book and watch thursday nite tv. adios amigos....

boys

so i spent a good chunk of the afternoon (yes, i admit i should have been focusing on spreadsheet conversions and other good things) fending darren off. he's convinced that him and i should become some sort of 'item' or something. says he's been in love with me for years. i'm not convinced. i think he just wants things that he can't have. however, it is lovely to have someone say nice things about you for the better part of 2.5 hours. my question is this: why don't the guys i actually *want* to date have this reaction to me?

don't get me wrong. darren's a great guy. super handsome. but, i don't know, there's too much baggage associated with it. not to mention the fact that he currently HAS a girlfriend. minor point there. really great way to build trust in me... having this conversation while dating someone.

so i took i to my voice of reason; my sounding board; my buddha on the hill - mike b. he speculates that perhaps i DO have this reaction on men i want to date. i just don't notice it. my counter to this statement would have to be the fact that i am, actually, single. nice theory though. i'd ask nick but, um, there's no way in hell i'd ask nick.
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megs and pam and i had a giddy girl fest this afternoon. ben went home sick, jen was on a personal day, and none of the three of us felt like working at all. it was really nice, actually - like it used to be before the pressure and the politics started to get to everyone. pam's lots of fun when she's not freaking out about her work and about keeping everyone happy all the time. i had such a wicked day at her house when i catered for her. unfortunately, with such strong personalities it's hard to maintain the lightness of the moments for much longer than that - a moment.

Poe

this is cool.

i read about the poe toaster in a novel a couple of months ago.. completely forgot about it until i heard mention on the radio this morning. sort of a neat idea, really. i love traditions like this -- steeped in mystery and literature. must be the latent catholic in me.

ruby tuesday

here's a hypothetical question: if you like a boy, and you 'hang out' with him one evening, should you call him? if so, when? after two days? after three days? you know, cause i have um a friend.. who's curious... ya that's it. a friend.

mike b's "boy" advice is that boys like to be called so you should do it, but there are rules.

• you have to call to talk or to make plans (this one makes no sense to me, so i've asked for further clarification. -- will follow up
  
• if you have to leave voicemail, keep it brief
  
• call three times without a return phonecall before giving up.
  

ooo this just in: "sorry that part didn't make much sense did it. I guess don't call to be all drippy ooo you're cool I like you stuff. but then I don't think you would anyway". I'm glad he added in that last bit. glad he realizes that i'm not a fuzzy bunny kind of girl. not that there's anything wrong with that...

so maybe this evening i'll give him a call. then again, maybe i'll chicken out. man, i'm bad at this. relationships have always kind of just fallen into my lap. i don't usually have to do anything for them. mind you, this isn't actually doing anything. this is a phone call. simmer down, sundae.

i heart dave grohl

how excited am i about this? deep down inside i'm still a rocker chick...

my god... how badly do the canucks suck right now?

I'm a 31yr old 13yr old girl

so i burned a cd for nick cause he asked me to.. and i printed out that little quote from my last blog - the journey to ithaca. it sort of illustrates neatly my way of dealing with the stuff we were talking about the other nite... anyhoo. brought it down this morning to give to him... promptly regressed to my geeky high school years when i was in the throes of an adolescent crush and forced into a position where i actually had to *speak* to said crush. i hate that... i was handing it to him, blushing like a fiend, explaining what it was, and running away all at the same time. i can only pray that my little schoolgirl outfit redeemed rather than compounded the issue... sucks though cause i've never had this problem with him before... mind you, i guess spooning will change the nature of your friendship, at least a little. (it was the spooning. that's it. nothing else.)
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ug my chest hurts. i'm getting a chest cold, i believe. mike b. and i have decided to blame rori. henceforth, all bad things that happen to me will be the fault of rori. let it be known.

big fish

i took calvin to see big fish this afternoon. so, now, i think both of us are feeling a little pensive. the stories touch you.. the intermingling of lives and emotion; of lies and truths. i don't know how to say it without sounding trite, but i really loved it. actually, i had some trouble not crying after. i could, i suppose, have just let it out, but didn't really want to.

as we were stepping out of the theatre calvin turned to me and said "mom, can i do that? can i just invent my reality the way he does?". my response was the only one i can give - we all invent and reinvent our realities. the more we believe in them the more like truth they become. it is through our stories that we achieve immortality. shakespeaere knew this.

so what, then, is my story? what is my mythology? that's hard to say from inside of it. characters in books don't know that they are just playing a role. i have the self awareness - i just am not sure which role i am playing. i hide behind my outgoing party girl facade as a means of masking the real me. if you don't know who i am then you can't hurt me in any way, right? but who, then, am i really hurting but myself if i don't let people get to know me? i seem to only choose people who are destined to hurt me, and let them into my world (rori, for example). this just reinforces my resolve to keep people out. but that's not really what i want. i miss sunday mornings, and waking up with someone. nick spent the entire night wrapped around me and i luxuriated in the contact like a cat in a sunbeam. so what story am i in?

sunday morning

so here i am skulking in the door on a sunday morning once again. man, what can i say? he played me 'everlong' on his acoustic guitar. i was a goner. (at this point Mike B has pointed out that i was pretty much a goner before i left his place after the hockey game. but i am going to maintain that it was the song that really tore through my strong defenses)(that or the soft core porn that passed for CBC hockey commentary last night "And Ohlund *NAILS* him against the boards!" "Ohlund splits the D wide open and takes him down!" "Oh-oh-ohlund!") (well, actually that last one was all me)
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i'm still finishing The Saskiad. it's actually a really good story with all sorts of neat language things going on. there's a quote at the beginning of it that i especially enjoy:

When you start on your journey to Ithaca,
then pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
Do not fear the Lestrygonians
and the Cyclopes and the angry Poseidon.
You will never meet such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your body and your spirit.
You will never meet the Lestrygonians,
the Cyclopes and the fierce Poseidon,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not raise them up before you.
- Cavafy, "Ithaca"

I love the idea that you will never come across demons unless you already carry them within your soul. nick and i were talking about stuff like that last night actually, right before falling asleep. he was asking me whether or not i believed in spirits and things. he says there's stuff that he doesn't like to think about before he goes to bed, cause he's afraid of leaving himself open to... i don't know exactly. not really ghosts, but something like that. i think that some people live louder than others and therefore they see things like that, or draw things like that to them more easily. the same way that i'm so perceptive about other peoples emotions that i can actually feel what they are feeling...

but maybe it's not stuff that's out there .. it's stuff *in* you and you are just projecting it. the demons lie within you and some people's are just stronger? closer to the surface? less repressed? i don't know. too much thinking for a sunday morning.

things look a little brighter with a new haircut

hmm so thinking about 3am phone calls. that nite at the party, being drunk like the proverbial skunk, i mentioned to nick what gwen had said. he asked me what i thought of that idea. i'm not adverse to it, per say. i just fear a certain awkwardness and/ or being viewed as a bit of a hooch for going both places. i also said that he'd have to talk to nate. that was the last i heard about the whole situation. but he has sort of made an effort to hang out with me. and i have sort of made an effort to hang out with him. eventually, things will either work out or they won't, i suppose. i guess i'll see, if he calls tonight, huh?

ooo edward just came in.. here we are, the two office geeks. working on a saturday.... lol.

booty calls

so when a guy calls you at three o'clock in the morning, and tries to convince you to drive for 45 minutes to get to his house, what is it that he wants, do you think? haha i must admit i was sorely tempted.

hmm this whole nick thing is a conundrum that deserves some pondering. what to do, what to do? while nate and i did have a brief 'thing', it really wasn't much more than one drunk nite, then dinner, and some sort of wierd phone calls. when nick and i were having so much fun dancing at the party, gwen theorized that i should just consider nate an "oops" and go for nick. think about this more. am going out for breakfast. :)

really early

huh. nick just called and asked if i wanted to come over. then tried to convince me to do so. it's 3.15. interesting.

friday at last

this has been a very strange week, and today has been a very strange microcosm of it. i spent the first part of the day totally hyperactive, and really trying to ignore the wierd/crappy things going on. really felt like getting into trouble, more than anything -- throwing snowballs at cars, giving cops the finger, getting drunk and dancing naked, picking fights -- you know, general shit disturber stuff. but... it's really hard to be oblivious when there's negativity afoot. so by the end of the day i just wanted to turn tail and run. and i did, by the way. so i still haven't finished my weekly reports, which means that i have to go in for a while tomorrow. crap.

i'm also aware that part of my 'troublemaker' urges are totally selfdestructive physical manifestations of the negative self-image and repressed anger i've had going on this week. but we won't talk about that and my wierd urges to contact a)psychojeremy b)rori c)various members of the rcmp.
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went for sushi with megs and oana today. well, i was supposed to have lunch with gary, but he ditched me cause i got stuck in a meeting. bitch! poor oana had to listen to meaghan and i rail against the unfairness of the project management world. she got an earful, let me tell you. which isn't to say that we meant to be negative, in any way. just that sometimes it all builds up and you need to vent.
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speaking of which, i had my 'salary negotiations' today. which is to say that they told me how much they'd pay me and if i wanted the job i sucked it up and took it. it's not as much as i really wanted, but there is still room for travel and education. so i guess i'll suck it up and deal with it.

good girls get flowers

lovely lovely mike b. sent me flowers today. i was the envy of all the girls in the office. kerra even held them hostage till i read the card and told her who they were from. oana expressed concern that my mike b was her mike b. but no- different last names entirely. which is a good thing, because her mike b. was a little off kilter, apparently.
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hmm i want to watch hockey, but at the same time i really want to take a bath before CSI starts. how lame is that?

sleepless nights

well, after last night's messenger frenzy, i've blocked rori from my contact list. he states emphatically "I am your friend but that is ALL! This requires too much effort!!" To which i reply bemusedly "What makes you think, at this point, I consider you even my friend? What do i get from it? In the six months we've known each other, all you've shown me is that you are selfish and know how to play mind games. Go away." Not my finest hour, I know. I really should be above petty barbs. but at half past one in the morning when you have to get up for work at 5.30, it's better to just get your point across, I feel. Mind you, blocking him from my messenger only inspired him to begin text messaging my phone...

as a result, work was a challenge. i did get to teach bun a new word, however: "clusterfuck". it succinctly described the day, that's for sure. seems just like nothing went right. well, at least until lunch, when we trooped off to BK for a veggie burger (no onion, mayo or cheese) (me), and $1.69 Whoppers (everyone else). things sort of coasted along after that.

i really could do with some shoe therapy. hmmm mall is open late tonite.. mike b. keeps threatening to kidnap me at 7.30. this will be challenging considering our house is a treat to find when you DO know the address. which he, of course, does not.
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somewhere in the lack of sleep last nite i was listening to radio netherlands. there was a rather fascinating story about restaurants in europe (i missed the exact city -- believe i was pitching a fit at the keyboard) where insects are served as a protein source on the menu. rumour has it they taste like chicken. of course they do. i suspect that even "chicken" isn't chicken any more. its some suspect conglomerate of stuff that is manufactured in vats and is actually sold to grocery stores in packages labeled "Tastes Like Chicken". what did Margaret Atwood call them? ah yes - chickie nobs. mmmmm
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dreamt last night about going to a wierd party with D. I was all messed up on red wine and speed. his girlfriend (who was not his waking life girlfriend but was very cute nonetheless) was trying to pull me along for a sordid rendezvous in a bedroom with the two of them... i was beginning to relent when the computer began to squawk at me. damn his eyes (to quote j.cash).

continued...

so i've been having the worst time getting up in the morning. i think my reluctance to face the day has filtered into my sleeping hours. this morning, for example, i completely slept through my alarm. in fact, the only reason i woke up was because, for some extremely odd reason, the cbc decided to play milli vanilli. not the best way to wake up, let me tell you. however, i suppose i should be pleased -- if they hadn't, who knows when i would have woken up.

work & stuff

i'm having trouble focussing on work, right now. i think that there is so much going on in the rest of my world that is requiring so much of my attention that it is really hard for me to get a handle on work stuff. i'm afraid that things are slipping. i don't think they are. but i worry.

i think part of it comes from trying to not control everything - giving ben and oana the reins and trusting them to deal with stuff. i can see how pam had (has?) so much trouble doing that with me. i wasn't nearly sympathetic enough.

there still is a lot of tension surrounding the restructuring. i believe that it will be much better when we change offices and have the managment *away* from the team - fingers won't always be in the pie, so to speak. OOO i saw the seating plan and i get a window seat right across from Megs. My proco will be right beside me... happy day i'll be able to see outside!

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oooo hockey starts in a couple of minutes..
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St. Hilary's Day

Today is the feast day for the Patron Saint of Lawyers. Also, it's traditionally known as the coldest day of the year, stemming from 1086 when a massive frost covered England.

rainy monday

well, after yet another long drawn out conversation with rori last night i am still no further ahead than i was on friday. i hate that frustrated feeling of moving through quicksand - not really getting anywhere. i don't know what it is with him. or with me. or with me and him, rather. why don't i just cut him loose? it's not like there aren't other people who want to date me. fuck.

his latest thing stroke of genius is that i'm the best person he knows - open and caring and giving and wholehearted. but he can't hang out with me cause he's afraid he will fall in love with me. as ben put it "my god that sounds like something i'd say". i can't decide who's head i want to bang against the wall - mine or his. maybe mine, then his.

dreaming

last night i dreamt that i was housemates with nate and nick -- strange within itself. nate and his girlfriend were preparing to go to a fancy awards banquet of some sort, and his girlfriend had arrived to pick him up attired rather unsuitably. so nate and i were rooting through my closet trying to find something for her to wear, while she pouted in his bedroom. we presented our selections to her as though bestowing gifts up on royalty. however, the difficulty in this was that my fancy dress clothes were all a touch too small for her, and nothing was to her liking. as we returned to my closet, despite my misgivings, i expressed my opinion on the situation: i didn't think were were going to have any success at all, because she would veto everything we chose. nate agreed, much to my relief. i had been afraid he'd take it the wrong way, because of the lingering attraction between us. nick was nowhere to be found....

shy

mike b was having a cast party that i crashed briefly last nite before heading off to dylan's. i warned him that i would run away when all of the people arrived and he accepted it, but teased me fairly mercilessly. i have to put on the correct personality before i can comfortably navigate a small space filled entirely with people i've never met before -- it's the same personality that serves me well at work. so i wandered in, had a glass of wine, and took off.

he told me this morning that i did really well, considering. i pointed out that this was because i refused to leave the kitchen. i find that most situations are entirely more bearable for me when i'm in the kitchen - particularly if there is cooking going on. not to mention the fact that sooner or later almost everyone ends up in the kitchen for at least a few minutes. soo you can talk to everyone without seeking them out.

there's another place in the house that serves this purpose really well, also. i recall telling megs and pam about a party where i sat on the landing halfway up the stairs one night. the bathroom was upstairs and the party was down, so people wandered past me all night long, staying to chat on their way up or down. megs knowingly pointed out "you weren't drinking that night, were you?", but pam didn't get that.

rainy sunday

so i struggled in the door just a short while ago, after visiting someone i've neglected recently, in light of my delusions of rori-ness. i was distraught to find out that dylan, my most promising booty call prospect, has been transferred to the sunshine coast and is heading off today to sign the papers for his house purchase. so, when he called last nite and invited me over for martinis i leapt at the chance.

he told me that, faced with the relative isolation the sunshine coast, he's taking proposals from his female friends making their case for why he should take them on as wife. his preferred format is, naturally, power point. however, i'm not a big fan of this medium. while i assured him that i was fully fluent in this microsoft wonder (wouldn't want any perceived lack of skills count against me) i would rather state my case, um, in other ways.

well, i can't say that i actually want to get married and move to the sunshine coast, but either way it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening.

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nick also telephoned me last nite... i feel bad cause i called him to see what he was up to,then missed his call back. but i was otherwise occupied by that time and, really, i'm not sure that hanging out with him is an entirely good idea. sure is cute though. soo... maybe i'll call him later.

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i've more or less decided that hanging out with rori is a waste of my time. he doesn't want a friend, he wants a therapist. i'm not cut out for the work. maybe it's selfish of me - i'm sure it probably is - but at the same time, i just don't want to only be the girl that gets called when your life isn't going well, or when you are feeling blue. i don't mind being there to support my friends, but i do really open my hearts to them. so, it's hard on me when i realize that the friendship is not considered a two way thing. it's not that i like him more than he likes me, it's just that i'm willing to share my affections and he isn't.

St. Lucien's Day

I actually googled St. Lucien's day, and didn't come up with anything.

omg i'm tearing up over Friends. it's time for a boyfriend.... i mean, if you are gonna cry it may as well be for a good reason.

pam was mentioning today that we may be downsizing. the bp contract is still up in the water for 2004, and the other chances are still just that - chances. i fear for my little data admin. i do need a proco in training, for i don't believe that benny boy is at risk. they wouldn't take my actual project coordinator away from me (i hope!!!)

in other news... my wayward son has finally returned. the house once again resounds with death metal and the giggles of teenagers (male and female, mind). i missed him a lot.

also.. rori the fuckwit is still incommunicado. he's an emotional leper. i can't deal. will i go back for more? oh most likely. cause i'm an idiot.

dirty pretty thing

rori, i politely invite you to, at your earliest convenience, respectfully FUCK OFF.

i just can't play the games. why do i do this to myself? it puts me in a massive scary insecure place... he pushes and pulls at my heart and it makes me feel lost and alone. man, after the last couple of weeks, i just want to go back to having no friends, sitting in my apartment reading novels and surfing the net. blech.

cat did, after all, warn me about him and his patterns. so it is my own fault. and it's not like i didn't know his style... and he's been pretty honest. it's myself that i'm most upset with. i'm old enough to know better. i have to stop putting myself in a place where i can be hurt.

my favourite songs of all time

everlong - foo fighters
digital bath - deftones
how soon is now - the smiths
finished symphony - hybrid
xpander - sasha
dirty epic - underworld
temptation - new order
killing in the name - rage against the machine
synchronicity II - the police
black - pearl jam

Snow Day!

hmmm well i think i've failed to hold up each of my resolutions.. well, that's not true. i have actually made a sincere effort to cut back on my consumption of "white" food. but here it is, the sixth, and this is the first time i've written anything since new years.

oh well, best laid plans and all.

am home from work due to weather. i must admit, i feel a bit of a whinger for coming home when the snow appears to be only skiffing. but the driving conditions are so much worse than pg in similar weather. i drove down joyce behind a woman who was blocking the entire road doing 25km per hour. sooo frustrating.

well, i think rori is back on a 'push' day. man, i don't know what to do about that. i really like him... but i can't handle the games, you know? it makes my belly hurt. i knew this was going to happen -- it's my own fault. we can't hang out and be 'friends' cause we are totally attracted to each other, and neither one of us is that good at physical restraint, by any means. i have a feeling that he's going to be calling and saying that he can't handle even the friendship side of it. but i'm just gonna be relaxed and stay away; let him do what he needs to do. ultimately it's better for me to just avoid the whole situation. i do have a tendency to really want what i can't have... so i don't know. relax, dear sundae girl! the boys will always come.

oooobloomcountyooooo

ok, i just found a site that has berkeley breathed's favourite bloom county strips. i was delighted to see that *my* favourite strip was up -- the one where Opus gives up all "animalistically exploitative" products. love it love it love it. i do have to say that foxtrot, bloom county (and all of the berkeley breathed strips), and calvin and hobbes are beyond compare when it comes to social satire and commentary and just plain fun-ness. imho, anyway.

should auld aquaintance be forgot?

i spoke to my old best friend, scott, today for the first time in six months. well, let's be honest with ourself, shall we? he's not only my exboyfriend, he's probably the guy i should be married to right now. after we broke up, he moved away and we still stayed in contact with each other at least weekly. and then... we didn't.

i'll admit it: i screwed up. i let a bad relationship come between me and the best friend i ever had... it was just easier to let him slip away than to fight about it with psychojeremy. but scott is the one person that i genuinely regret letting go of... that i genuinely miss having in my world.

so i sucked it up and i called today. he's living with a girl now, has been for a while, and is really happy -- there's nothing left for me in that, nor do i think that it would work anyway. we are really different people. but i wish that there was some way i could express how i feel about losing him, without sounding like an idiot.. without letting too much of myself go. maybe i should just let it go? what happens when your now has spectres of your past hanging over it?

i think that this year i'm going to continue on with the voyage of self discovery i began last year -- i'm going to continue trying to right the wrongs that i committed upon myself during my relationship with psychojeremy and continue my healing process. i owe it to myself for sure. and i have come *so* far in the last year.. so much farther in the last six months than i ever would have believed. i am going to try seriously hard to restore peace and balance to my world.

i don't want to come off sounding too 'deep' or anything, but i really seek a sense of peace. this, i believe, is my new year's resolution:

• to surround myself with people who bring joy, laughter and learning to my life
  
• to find peace within myself and with my world
  
• to get to know my kid even better than i already do, cause he's an amazing person who changes and grows every day
  
• to take some classes and bring learning back into my everyday life
  
• to try and journal every day, either here or in my notebook
  
• to try and exercise more regularly
  
• to try and eat a little healthier, especially at work
  

they are all one resolution cause they are all part of the whole; all part of that family motto thing that calvin and i adopted "be good, do good, feel good". if i can accomplish even a few of these things, i will be making giant strides forward in becoming a better, healthier me.