who are you?

this post was published exactly eight months ago today, on the now-defunct fookthepeople.blogspot.com. german's still writing, just on a new site and i was thinking about this post and kind of missed it. so here it is:

who indeed, says the raspberry. german issued me two challenges - be as explicit as possible, he said, then questioned my use of an alias in my blog.

i'm going to address the second point first, 'cause i'm just that kind of girl.

while raspberry sundae is not, i assure you, a name my parents blessed me with (far to conservative for that, they are (yoda say)), it is kind of who i am. raspberry is the part of my personality that is pink and girly and sensitive and passionate and fiery - all things which make for good reading, i figure. of course, i'm not entirely objective at this juncture. it's early goshfukkit, and i've only had half a cup of coffee (and half a cup of BLACK coffee, at that, 'cause i'm trying to go lower fat lower sugar. how dull is that?) (at this point german is rolling his eyes and shaking his head, wondering what he's gotten himself into. 'come on, girl', he's thinking. 'enough with the soft serve, on with the soft core!')

ANYhoo.... so i go by raspberry in my blog (and sometimes in the 'real world') because i do sort of want to remain at least partially anonymous. i want the raspberry side of me to be free to talk about what she wants, when she wants, with little fear of people she knows googling my real name and finding out all about me doing the dirty dirty on the hood of a car when i 'stepped out for a breath of fresh air' while out at a club. think of it this way - the reason that masquerades are so popular is because behind the mask you are free to construct, reconstruct, and deconstruct the boundaries which are created by you and for you. so i shall hold on to my mask, at least for a little while.

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last week on the radio they were doing one of those poll things where they ask the listeners questions about their sex lives as a way of boosting ratings. it never fails to amaze me what people will say when you give them an audience and a means of expressing themselves anonymously (*ahem*). the question was "what's the shortest amount of time you've gone between meeting someone and having sex with them?" i think the shortest reported was half an hour or somesuch - and the guy took a bit of a ribbing, i gotta say.

half an hour. lightweight.
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that night, the party was in an old community center on the outskirts of the city. the crowd was a mix of downtown party kids and bored local kids who'd heard the music and were looking for a way of passing a saturday night that didn't involve sitting around a bonfire, shotgunning beers on the tailgate of a truck. this was early early days in the party scene (in our world anyway) - there was only e, or acid, or mushrooms, and maybe a little coke, but no meth or k or g. innocent, you know? we were all still getting to know each other, and the rush of the drugs still came on with fingertips dancing across your skin and a goldrush brush of goosebumps.

the doors were flung open to the summer night. we'd been having rainstorms on and off for a couple of days - real rainstorms, too - none of this vancouver everpresent omnipotent wetness - sudden outbursts of water and wind and on the good days a little thunder to remind you that the gods weren't necessarily pleased with the way the world was ending. i was on the floor with den and matty, my own fingers tangled up in my hair at the base of my head, giving myself shivers of sensation in time with the music. i wandered over to the door to get a breath of air - the room was almost oppressive with sweet smoke and dancing - with bodies and hormones and beer. he was leaning on the doorframe, alternately watching the dancers and the rain, a slight smile on his lips. i looked at him as i walked past - made eye contact and got that little rush of chemistry you feel when two people zap connect pulse with mutual energy. the parking lot was mud and the moon was out despite the storm. i stepped outside and lifted my hands to the air, eyes closed, exultant in the sweet coolness of the night sky. he came up behind me, put his hands on my waist, squeezed a little and lifted me off my feet, so slightly. we're moving to the music, now, bass thumping off the cars, lights flashing through the open door. i spun away, dancing dancing in the rain. somebody (monte?) looked out - saw us there, pushed a speaker to the opening so the music came through. i turned and looked at him over my shoulder - he tilted his head to one side, assessing me, maybe wondering how far i was willing to go. i let him chase me around the corner, away from the door and the cars, away from the people but still close enough that i could hear the music, still close enough that it could be dancing. when he caught me this time i stayed caught - my fingers wrapped up in my hair again (still?), he pushed me against the building and trapped my hands behind my head. hot kisses on my neck, grabbing my lower lip in his teeth and biting just...enough...to..hurt. he wrapped one hand around my wrists, holding them firm behind me and grabbed my earlobe in his mouth. 'do you want it?' he breathed, more to himself than to me. i bit his chest through his shirt, didn't bother to answer. he pushed up against me – more forcefully, now. i could feel him through his shorts, through the thin fabric of my dress. he reached down with his free hand and traced the curve of my ass up from my leg to my back, under the skirt...gave a squeeze...his lips on my lips kissing kissing with a ferocity driven by need and haste...pulled my panties to the side undid his pants and was..in. i wrapped a leg around his waist, pushing myself against him, using my shoulderblades on the wall for leverage. his hand cupped my ass pulling me in close, moving with the beat of the records reverberating through the wall. i could hear people around the corner, people talking and laughing, dancing in the rain, but it was as if they were from a distance - as though i had stepped through a curtain of reality into this alternate place where nothing mattered but the taste of salt on his skin and the feel of his cock inside me.

when it was done, i went back inside and found den on the dancefloor. she reached up and touched my cheek, gave me a little kiss on the lips. "where'd you go? you're all wet." "just needed some air."

twisting your mind smashing your dreams

so i finally took a picture of my bottom for poor mr wolf he's been waiting patiently (*ahem*) for some time now.

so anyway i haven't been holding out on him for any reason other than i have trouble taking pictures of my whole ass (hence the blurryblur). not to mention i have what we commonly refer to in the land of the sundae as a "lack-thereof-an-ass". this is why i love those little shorty-short fundies: the way they are cut gives me the illusion of having an ass.

speaking of my posterior, i had it kicked at yoga this morning. that bum you are looking at is a weary post-yoga bum. the teacher warned us that he was feeling particularly energetic today, and that if we couldn't keep up to just keep our own time.

i kept up.

my arms are sore, my ass is sore, my hamstrings are sore and i have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow my pecs are going to be really sore.

i am currently facing a bit of a yoga centred conundrum. you see, i have (to borrow an expression from an otherwise lacklustre newspaper columnist) a bit of granola in my sushi. which is to say that somewhere inside of me lies dormant a small hippy. she doesn't usually speak much - just pipes up now and again to encourage me to drink water not pop, to talk me into taking my own shopping bags to the market, and to sign up for yoga classes.

today she woke up and started campaigning for us.. i mean ME.. to go on a weekend yoga retreat at the beginning of june. "it'll be fun!" she says. "so relaxing!" needless to say this is not sitting well with my rockstar side. "yoga retreat?" she scoffs. "fuck that shit! lets go do vodka shots off a male stripper. or a female stripper - yeah! even better!"

they've been arguing back and forth about it all afternoon. i'm, frankly, quite interested to see who's gonna win out in the end.

and another

why raspberrysundae? (bigtrav)

well if we were to ask saussure he would say that 'raspberrysundae' is an arbitrary designation - a signifier which has absolutely no real connection to me, the girl (the signified).

jung would say that it raspberrysundae is a symbol which allows me to experience my unconcious, allowing me to harmonize with the archetypal forces of the universe.

freud would recognize raspberrysundae as a manifestation of my id - my primitive sexual impulses which require instant gratification and release.

simone de beauvoir would say that raspberrysundae is the essence of who i was before i conformed to the standards and behaviours which society expects a 'normal' woman to embody if she desires acceptance.

foucault would ask whether or not raspberrysundae complies with the rules of meaning - if it does, it may mean something. if it does not, it means nothing at all.

umberto eco would say that raspberrysundae is a field of meaning rather than a string of meaning - it is an open, dynamic text. it does not limit the mind to a single thread of interpretation.

i think i agree with eco. what about you?

questioning my sanity

tony pierce you may be the perfect man. xo

ok here we go (in chronological order)

1. What is in your purse *right now*? (k-lo) I think it says a lot about a woman (or man if you carry a man-bag like Joey). i answered this on the other day but for the sake of continuity i'll do it again.i have this cool stripey bag that is big enough to hold my laptop, so i pack it around with me to work and back but will downsize when i go out-out.I have a paperback, my digicam, a little pink & orange notebook, a pen, a little bag packed full of lipgloss, more lipgloss, hand lotion, a small bottle of bath&bodyworks vanilla body spray, gum, a turquoise mat&nat vegan wallet, red leather gloves, emergency allergy medicine, and usually my cellphone and blackberry (but they're on the desk beside me).
   
2. what are you three favourite items that start with the letter "C"? (gracie) ok i answered this one, too. chocolate, coffee and cupcakes, though technically the kiddo's real name starts with 'c' so he takes the cake. or the cupcake, as the case may be...
   
3. what day are we going for drinks next week? (ciavarro) friday 'cause i don't have to work on saturday morning. :)
   
4. can we have more 'you in your underwear' photos? (screetus) - tell you what - i'll take more underwear pictures if you send me a pair of transmegacorp panties - preferably of the thong flavour. i'll model 'em for you. i am, however, running out of shots i can take on my own so i either have to buy a tripod or recruit an assistant.
   
5. which colour crayon would best describe your personality and why? (pauly) - probably lemon yellow, 'cause i got sunshine on the inside. interestingly, every guy i've dated in the last five years has ended up calling me sunshine as a nickname. oh man! i've just figured it out! i've got a decrepit lovelife because of an international plot developed in a topsecret gym locker to secretly drive me insane with an unsated sexdrive! it's a conspiracy! someone call michael moore!
   
6. what is your favourite time of day and why? (b) - twilight. i love the silvery light that hides in the crevice between night and day. it's not one or the other, but somewhere in between. magic time.
   
7. waffles or pancakes? (the holywriter) - waffles 'cause just the other day i found vegan toaster waffles. wooo - another breakfast food i can eat! if anyone has a good pancake recipe which involves no eggs, dairy or bananas, shoot me an email and i may revise my choice.
   
8. four places which i have seen which spo should see (spo) - 1) just southeast of pee gee, in the macgregor mountain range, there is this spot you can hike to and camp. it's a meadow perched on the saddle between two mountains. from this vantage point you can watch the sun set in the west over the macgregor range, and watch it rise to the east over the rockies. amazing. 2) dunluce castle in northern ireland - the sense of history is overwhelming. 3) the cliffs of mohr in county clare, ireland. yeah it's touristy, but if you climb over the guardrail and stand at the edge on a clear day you can watch the sun dance in the waves and see the seagulls flying in and out of the rock formations hundreds of feet below you. the birds are BELOW you. so cool. 4)knoxville, tennessee - i don't know what it is about knoxville, but i love it there. it's this super old southern city with so much of the grand old spanish style architecture. the downtown core is being revitalized with lofts and yuppie coffeeshops but the old city looks like something out of a movie. go see it before it's just another generic american city.
   
9. what would you do to live the life you always wanted?(minako) sell everything and go live really simply in the mountains by the water, then find some way to support myself which involves books and words and quietly looking out the window for long stretches of time.
   
10. what cool band haven't i heard of yet? (tomkr) - now that's a really tough question, seeing as how you and i have never met and i have no idea of your socioeconomic status, your country of origin, or your favourite flavour of toothpaste. i shall have to cheat by going to look at your site. one moment - ok i'm going to say the constantines. if you have heard of them, well good. if not, you should rectify that toot-sweet.
    
11. what would happen if i became famous for destroying dick cheney? (panopticon) - well, since it's probably a given that i'd be a wanted woman (not like i'm not already)(ha), i like to think that we could establish an underground railroad of bloggers and spirit me down through the states and central america to costa rica, where i'd open up a surfing hostel, bake for all of my guests, and invite you all to come visit.
    
12. what have i done that i'm ashamed of, if anything (j-mo) - i had an affair with a married man. i'm not so much ashamed for doing it, as i was single so to me that means i'm free to sleep with whomever i choose. what i'm ashamed for is causing pain to other people. that really bothers me.
    

fun questions! thanks guys!

you're just as boring as everyone else

ok enough of the bullshit navel-gazing.

i am glad he was honest - my ego was just bruised and it hit me at an inopportune moment. but it's over now (well until the next time anyway) so let's move on.

wanna play the question and answer game? just 'cause i'm at work and don't have much time to put up a 'real' post? you ask the questions and i'll supply the answers...

ok... go!


oh ps - thank you for all of the wonderfully supportive comments. he must be gay. =)

why'd ya have to get so fucking useless

email from artboy waiting in my inbox this afternoon (i asked if perhaps he wanted to do something this weekend):

thanks for the invite... but to be to the point, i don’t see this developing into a romantic relationship for me. You are fun and i enjoy chatting and spending time with you but i guess i have been standoffish because i don’t want to lead you on. What can I say... attraction is not a choice. i’m completely open to being buds – i do definitely need some more cool female friends! my last girlfriend chased all my old ones off! lol i have several guy friends you may be interested in so keep the option open.

talk to you later...

you cannot hide or ever put it away

when mikeb was in thailand he got me this pretty pretty wrap so i took off all my clothes and took pictures of myself with it.

i'm not sure if he'll see this as a fitting token, since he kind of views me as a non-sexual sponge type creature, but fukkit i did it anyway.

wtf?! supernatural isn't on this week. how does *that* work? don't they know that i need my weekly dean fix? it's just not right..

yesterday tony pierce wrote about his soulmate and how she's gone to africa and reading it made me pensive.

yesterday, ben (i think, if not i apologize) asked me if i was really as tough as i appeared. truthfully, i'm really not. this isn't how i imagined it would be, you know? this isn't how i pictured myself at 33 back when i was a little girl playing dress-up and running through the forest in mock battles and hiding under the big birch tree in our front yard sipping juice, eating homemade chocolate chip cookies and reading nancy drew.

sure i never wanted to get married have kids get a dog buy a station wagon but i also don't think that my eight year old mind realized i was going to be alone for most of my adult life.

i've been with a lot of men.

i've got some amazing friends.

i've got a wonderful family who i'd do anything for.

my son is the light of my life and without him i'd be less of a woman.

but some days... some days knowing that nobody is going to meet me at the door with a glass of wine; that no one is going to listen to me when i fret about work or traffic or money and kiss me on the end of the nose and tell me they love me and make me not care about those petty little things.. some days knowing that isn't going to happen makes me sad.

and lost.

and lonely.

and today is one of those days.

i've never known what's good for me

there is nothing quite as good for the soul as having lunch with a cute boy, then taking your dog for a walk on a windy windy day and watching her chase birds and bark at driftwood and lie in the mud panting happily, knowing that in ten minutes she's going to be crawling all over the inside of your car.i think that i may very well have the cutest dog on the planet. she's eleven years old, but still runs like she's a puppy. it's just that the next day she sometimes has trouble getting on and off the couch.

oh wait, what was that? did i say that i had lunch with a cute boy? yes, it's true - art boy logged in this morning and was chatting away to me. he works from home so is pretty much always on line. i talked him into taking a lunchbreak with me so we walked over to ouisi bistro to hang out. i think he likes me - he spent a lot of time looking into my eyes, and let me feed him a spoonful of my blackbean soup - but when we got back to his house and it was time for him to go in and me to my car, i got a hug but still no damn kiss.

le sigh.

oh, hey. i took a whole bunch of outside type photos. take a little looky-loo at my buzznet account.

your words and my words and they keep coming

raspberry has a crush on you says:
do you know that most of the people i know here have never seen the northern lights?

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
that's insane

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
don't tell them about them

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
then they'll want to see them!

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
and they'll take over all our sweetassed places

raspberry has a crush on you says:
tell who about what?

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
the people that don't know about the northern lights

raspberry has a crush on you says:
ahh
raspberry has a crush on you says:
they're hard to describe

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
it's weird to explain anyway eh
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
yeah
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
it's like yeah every now and then all these colours come into the sky

raspberry has a crush on you says:
ayup

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
you sound like a drug addict

raspberry has a crush on you says:
and they move and dance like they are alive
raspberry has a crush on you says:
and then they disappear

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
and so you honk your horn to get them to dance with you
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
or you yell or holler and they respond
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
and then they fade and move on

raspberry has a crush on you says:
get bored with your games and find someone new

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
yep

raspberry has a crush on you says:
like an inconstant lover

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
other places to see people to meet
R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
those are the best ones

raspberry has a crush on you says:
yup

R.Ray # - check out guitar George, he knows, all the chords. says:
fuck me once and i'll love you forever, fuck me steady and i'll remember that time period

and the parodies keep on comin'

can you feel that? ahhhh shit...

so last night we went to watch pay-per-view ufc down at the shark club. we got there at about 6pm and it was already standing room only but we kept hour eyes peeled for the obvious korn fans and scooped a table out from under several other groups of people as soon as some got up to leave.

i think only the size of the sister's bf stopped us from participating in our own title matchup, but, let's not kid, i coulda held my own.

*ahem*

anyway, helloooo sausage fest. men everywhere, testosterone and alcohol oozing from every orifice. when i got up to powder my nose i made the mistake of *not* covering my ass with my hands and got it grabbed twice. but, and get this, the best part of the night was that, for the first time ever in my life, there was a line for the men's room and not the ladies. how fucking cool was that? and *every* single woman who entered the bathroom crowed with delight at this wonderous paradigm shift.

i know that there are people out there who really dislike mixed martial arts fights and really object to the violence of the sport. i figure men have been kicking the crap out of each other since they were sentient enough to form a fist - may as well put 'em in a ring where there's a doctor present, a ref to keep things from getting out of hand, and they can't hurt anyone but each other.

and, to be honest, it's less violent than most of the lacrosse games i've ever seen.

after the fights we hit up the tokyo lounge to do a little dancing. dude the club fashion was so eighties i couldn't even handle it - double belts, off the shoulder shirts, super high pointy toed heels, teased hair. as i said to the sister as i watched one pretty young thing walk by "i'm pretty sure i wore that outfit to the teen club once". she laughed. i was dead serious. the only things missing were the ankle socks and lace fingerless gloves.

le sigh.

lost in the forest to be cut adrift

it's official.

my bedroom looks like my closet and my dresser went on a tequila bender and vomitted clothing over every surface - horizontal or otherwise. how lame am i? how OLD am i? why is it that i can't keep my bedroom tidy?

so i went on a date the other night. i've been talking to this guy for a while, but we've never gotten around to actually doing anything till thursday. weird, huh? anyway, thursday night we went down to the art gallery to check out an exhibit by a canadian artist named brian jungen. he takes post consumer goods and creates these unbelievably cool sculptures - such as tribal masks fashioned from old nike running shoes, or these amazingly wonderous bowhead whale skeletons made from white plastic lawn chairs.

the biggest one is suspended about seven feet off the floor. i stood underneath it and gazed down the length - wondering at the way the vertebrae undulated gracefully away from me. i wanted to reach out and run my hands down it as i walked forward. would it make a noise? would the plastic lawnchairs resonate with sound? would the whale sing to me?

i didn't do this, though, and i didn't take pictures, because for some reason the gallery blue-coats watch me like a hawk whenever i am there. i'm not kidding - they follow me from room to room, and when i leave one area another guard picks up the tail faster than you can say million dollar heist.

all i could think of as i stood there was that this thing needed wings.
maybe that's why whales are nearly extinct. god forgot to give them wings.

the date was fun - awkard at first, as they always are, but soon settled into laughter and stories.

the wine helped, too, i'm sure.

but he didn't kiss me. he hugged me and asked if i'd like to do it again, but he didn't kiss me goodbye. is that a bad sign?

anniversary two

(with apologies to tony)

one year ago:

anniversary
so it was a year ago today that the kiddo went into the hospital. kind of a fucked up anniversary, but it resonates regardless. i don't want to talk about it, but i do. i've been counting down all week, for some reason - i knew it was coming and i've studiosly avoided writing anything 'cause i knew that it would come out - how scared i am to go to sleep tonight, and how afraid i am that he's still all fragile on the inside even though he *seems* so much better and so much stronger and so much more together. or maybe it's just me that is fragile on the inside, still, even though i seem so much stronger and seem so much better and seem so much more together. but i guess i am those things, at least a little bit.

i love my kid more than life itself. (i just wanted to say that out loud, cause love is magic and saying the word casts a spell and takes me out of time and place and makes it not this day) and i know you are saying "of course you do - he's your son". but it sometimes amazes me that it's possible to feel something for someone in a way that is so strong and so true.

anyway, i'm gonna go crawl into bed, and leave my door open tonight. the dog will crawl in beside me and i think that i need that. goodnight, kiddo, and goodnight to all the kids, all of you out there in the world who feel that you are alone. tonight you should know that you aren't - i'm staying awake to watch over you all.

i find a darkened corner 'cause still i miss someone

so ciavarro is doing a 'girls of blogdom' calendar and didn't put me on his wishlist for calendar girls.

needless to say, i'm crushed.

add to this the fact that dean simon has given up sex for lent and i felt it time to post some semi-naked photographs.

ah fuck who'm i kidding? any time is a good time for semi-naked photographs.

yes indeedy i have a date tomorrow night. to go to the art gallery. how very civilized. this is one of the random men i've met somewhere in my travels, who just happened to keep in touch with me via the ehm-ess-ehn. i haven't seen him since, haven't talked to him on the phone till tonight, and (to be quite honest) can't really remember what he looks like.

so meeting up tomorrow evening should be interesting.

mind you, he has the benefit of seeing my msn photo, which is currently the tongue photo from below. so perhaps i'll just stand on the steps of vag with my mouth open.

yeah, that'll work.

*ahem*.

sheesh speaking of work it's been kicking my ass this past couple of weeks. everybody is all worked up and running on too much coffee and not enough sleep and i've been sleeping poorly 'cause all night long my brain is running with lists of the stuff i have to do the next day, and when i actually do sleep my jaw is locked so tight you'd think i was a pitbull in a daycare. in the morning i explode out of bed, rip the contents of my dresser and closet all over the place (note the evidence there behind me), somehow manage to make myself presentable, and hit the road. yesterday i forgot my watch, the ring i never leave the house without, and to take my meds.

today i think i managed to get out with everything in hand.

yay, me.

if it weren't for bags of baby carrots and grapes from costco, i'd probably starve to death.

**edit** ciavarro has told me that it wasn't a *wishlist* it was a *reserve* list, and that the calendar is first come first served. i may still have a spot, yet. i hope i get august.

fuck you i won't do what you tell me

i'm not allowed to push the cart in costco. in fact, it's really better if i don't even stand anywhere near the cart-propelling area 'cause there's no guarantee that i won't grab the handle and RAM it into the dumbass blocking the aisle in front of me. DON'T STOP MOVING WHILE YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE KEEP WALKING OR STAND ASIDE MOTHER FUCKERS. I MEAN IT I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH THIS COMMERCIAL SIZED BUCKET OF BEEF-A-RONI.

alright i'm done now.

i think that this woman has channelled into my brain: 'My standards of dating have deteriorated rapidly, from "must love the absurdity and avant-guarde nature of Jacques Tati films" to "must have the two P's: Penis and Pulse."' seriously - it's like she's taken the words out of my cerebral cortex and turned them into simple html - black text on a white background as close to oldschool as it gets, kids. ahh come on now. look into those eyes - would i seriously ram someone with a cart? me? nah....

ok maybe.

but just the once.

or the twice.

no more than twice, though.

seriously.

i promise.

i might have a date on thursday. that's kind of exciting huh? it always worries me when people refer to themselves as geeks. i mean *i* refer to myself as a geek, but i'm the *good* kind of geek, you know? not the bad kind. oh let's not kid - i'm a geek plain and simple. i just have slightly ungeeky packaging. it's false advertising, is what it is. really, it's akin to having inflatable. breasts.

not that i do.

no i'm actually serious this time.

no inflatable breatesses here.

i promise.

kiss me before it all gets complicated

oh i've been very naughty. i discovered the last of the apple crisp in a small bowl just waiting to be warmed up - popped into the microwave just for a few seconds or so - and so i did it i hit that button i spun that glass plate around and around and around and then when it was done i pulled it out and took a spoonful into my mouth and felt the tart apple hot against my tongue and thought to myself 'do you know what would make this even better and a little less hot? some vanilla ice cream.' so i opened the freezer so surreptiously so quietly so cautiously so that no one would hear and took a spoonful out of the bucket and added it to the bowl placed it gently on top of the crisp and hurried downstairs so that no one could see no one could say 'what are you doing you know that it will only make you sick' i know all that but i wanted to do it anyway and oh man it was good. it was it did it made me sick about sixty two seconds after i finished but i haven't had ice cream in two years and it was so sweet and cold and the perfect compliment to the tart apple hot against my tongue.

hung up in a warehouse town

i can't wait for my mouthguard. i'm tired of waking up with a headache (wine related or otherwise).
reading tony and mr wolf talk about their travels gives me total wanderlust. i come from a long line of sailors - on my dad's side, my family has always been sailors or shipbuilders - and that urge to travel has always been a part of me. it's been a really long time since i've gone anywhere. when i first started doing the job that i have now, they told me i'd get to travel a lot, but then someone higher up decided in their infinite wisdom that i was too valuable to have out of the office. which is good, i guess, but at the same time sucks rocks.

it's funny 'cause the people around me are settling into their careers, buying homes, getting married, and starting families, whereas i'm looking at another couple of years of my kid living at home, then he's going to take off to do his own thing and i'll pretty much be free and on my own. i think at that point is when i'm going to put some serious consideration into seeing a lot of the world. i have about nine years of debt left. i have no real desire to own my own home. my ten year plan involves paying everything off and then taking my salary and investing in the kinds of experiences that make life worth living.

this is not, of course, to say that i'm going to wait ten years to start living my life. i'm going to do great stuff in the meantime, as well. but in ten years i think i can start doing it in earnest and living debt free means that i won't have to worry about whether or not i'm making 70k a year (not like i particularly worry about it now, but you know what i mean).

i was in spain about six years ago. my auntie and uncle own a flat in torremolinos. i'd get up in the morning and go for a run along the beach at 7.30, then shower and have fruit for breakfast, go lie on the beach for a couple of hours, do some sightseeing, go back to the flat to have a bottle of wine on the patio and get ready for dinner, head out to a restaurant and sit outside along the water till 2 or three am, hit a club or just wander home, get up the next day and do it all again.

we had originally planned on going back over there at the end of june this year, but my dad hasn't really been doing too well. he's going through these tests to see if he qualifies to have this totally experimental procedure done to see if it can finally cure this depression that has plagued him for 15 years. i'm not sure what it's all about except that it involves implanting some kind of magnet in his brain and it gives me an anxiety attack to think about. so anyway, i don't think we will be going that soon, but may try for the end of september. even if i can't go i'm going to try and send the kiddo - he's never travelled at all and that's something i totally regret. oh speaking of the kiddo - i guess he was on his way back from the movies with some friends last night, and a thing about the sasquatch festival played over the radio. it listed off a bunch of the bands going to be there and he shouted out "omg! i'm going to that!" his friends responded doubtfully - like of course they'd all like to go, but the kiddo could actually say "nono! my mom has the tickets already! i'm really going!". that's pretty cool...

anyway, i'm going to shower and do some laundry and bake banana bread and otherwise lounge around for my day off.

xoxo

wake up and smell the melba toast

hey guess what i finally created a buzznet account. ok there's not so much up there right now, but it'll grow, it'll grow...

and the streets say - oh i'm on to you

i slept for 11 hours last night - crashed watching grosse point blank before ten pm and didn't open my eyes till after nine this morning. this is due, i think, to seperate yet equally contributing factors. one - my week was nuts and i was physically and mentally exhausted at the end of it. two - i forgot to take my meds yesterday.

see on the picture there? that's my baby warmer which i cannot seem to get rid of. i don't need it - i won't be warming any more babies. however, it does not appear to want to leave me. i guess i should just learn to accept it, become one with it, embrace the babywarmer. should i give it a name? perhaps ferdinand? or adolpho? suzette?

i went to the sister's last night and made chicken korma, papadums, samosas and basmati rice cooked in coconut milk and caradmum. i can't attest to the chicken, but the rest of it was pretty frickin' good. hmm maybe if i stopped cooking with coconut milk i could get rid of adolpho. ferdinand. i mean suzette. worth pondering, i suppose.

i declined any wine. i figured that since it was still emanating my pores from the night before, adding more to the mix would be overkill. i stuck to gingerale, much to the disgust of my dinner companions. sneaking out before they headed to the pub just about caused a mutiny but i was, as previously mentioned, exhausted.

i am on an unscheduled three-day weekend. my boss, who rocks the party, gave me monday off as reward for working my ass off this past little while. so i'm not sure what i'm going to do with myself, except that it will involve things which do not cost too much money, as i really have none to speak of. i guess i could borrow. but since i don't have any real pressing plans, it doesn't seem to be necessary.

my horoscope today talks about approaching romantic interests differently than i have previously - trying new things and blah blah blah. i assent to being caught in a pattern, to being trapped in a place where i date only people from my circle. i just don't really know how to break out of it. don't tell me to take a class - what with yoga starting again i don't have time for more. but i will take suggestions. or if you know cute boys who are single, sane, and in the area, send'em my way, huh?

i've lost my head again

ooo i kind of wish i could lose my head... went to a friend's place for dinner last night and drank alottalotta red wine. ouch. ahh migraine strength advil - whatever did i do before you entered my life?

ug my stomach is a tad unhappy as well.

my sister is throwing one of her infamous dinner parties again - you know the kind where she invites a lot of people over and i get to do the cooking? yeah that kind. tonight, though i think i'll be on the gingerale mmm gingerale.

so i've been lying here watching the olympics / napping. the canadian women speedskaters dominated at the 5000 and i must say they put on an incredible performance both on the ice and off. the class and grace they displayed after the race were great examples of sportsmanship. well done ladies.

has anyone else been struck by how ridiculous four man bobsledding is? like four hulking men cuddled up together and hurtling around an icy ring. it cracked me up. it hurt my head. is there someone i can call abut this?

and is it a sad state of my romantic life that i just found a member of the canadian curling team hot?

maybe i should go back to sleep.

tell me who are you

stinkin' csi is a repeat tonight. my arms are all wobbly - i was doing a yoga backbends class and you have to do the upward bow thing five times in a row and i didn't think i was going to make it up that last time there.

but i did.

yay, me.

speaking of yay, me - guess who has tickets to the sasquatch festival? yeah baybee. coachella smoachella. the constantines, death cab, the hip, nine inch nails, the shins, iron & wine, neko case, oh oh it goes on and on and on. not to mention, it's super close to my house. well, not super close, but closer than california, anyhoo.

anyone want to come? how's that for a blogger meet up party?

i don't mind, mind, don't have a mind

so if you were a corporation as large as, say, canon, and your marketing team came up with a radio spot which centred around a tired cliched jerry macguire reference (especially given the decidedly cool temperature of current public perception of mr tom 'jump the couch' cruise), wouldn't you, perhaps, fire that marketing company and look for some better representation? 'you had me at canon'. huh.

i'm just sayin'.

there's that one, and the one which features a guy who's over the moon 'cause he just got a job as a ski lift operator in whistler. never mind the fact that he's gonna have to have two other jobs (at least) to be able to afford to live in whistler. but shit, he's movin' on up, alright.

i can't decide if these two are supposed to be slyly ironic - a bit of a poke at corporate suits who don't really know any better - or if somebody, somewhere, needs to inject some creativity into advertising. what i *do* know is that i really need to stop listening to the radio on my way to work.

the devil runs them by quantum theory on tuesday

so this afternoon i went to get fitted for a mouth guard. i must say it was not the *best* way to spend the afternoon. however, i did not gag. i do have a fairly impressive control over my gag reflex - pretty much the only thing that triggers it is canned peaches.

see, i just have to *think* about canned peaches and i start to gag. blergh.

as i was gathering up my stuff i thought to myself 'well, i've certainly had WORSE things in my mouth'. when the dental assistant began to howl, i realized that i hadn't used my inside voice whilst pondering that particular tidbit of wisdom.

sadly, i can't file this under 'things which sound dirty but aren't' 'cause, well, it is.

the war won't stop for the love of god

ok i cheered myself up a little when i discovered this. see, i have a secret crush on rick mercer. (yes dean, i know that if i tell everybody it's no longer a secret. but this isn't really *telling* everybody. nobody reads this anyway. right?

right.)

anyway - if you hit that link up there you get to watch a whole whack of archived video from his rick mercer report tv show, including the rants. be warned - most of the humour is peculiarily canadian in the way that the tragically hip are canadian - you don't have to be from here to like it, but it probably helps.

i wanna know if this could be my faith

do you ever notice that when the weather goes from sunny to grey all of a sudden everyone is tired and lethargic? i swear i need to funnel coffee intravenously to keep my eyes open. not to mention the fact that someone brought in bagels this morning, so i spent the first part of the day in a carbocoma. grand fun, i tell you.

a couple of years ago, in a delusional fit of fiscally-minded responsibility, i arranged to have my income tax returns put directly onto my student loans. this seemed like a grand idea at the time - i patted myself on the back for being so adult and all that crap.

this was all well and good in *theory*. of course, once i prepared the actual returns and saw the tasty refund the canadian government was going to pay me it was less pleasing.

in fact, it's downright depressing. ahh... when i stop and think of what i could do with this year's money right now - vacation, new wardrobe, botox, penis enlargement, down payment on a new car, the list goes on.

le sigh.

ooo i could *also* put the money towards cloning myself the perfect boyfriend, cause god knows the specimens i'm collecting for free certainly leave a great deal to be desired.

or i could just use it to buy enough wine so that i plain 'ol didn't care anymore. that might be cheaper.

for german, who sees the world in colour

my friend has gone to mexico for a couple of weeks, and he came online today and was telling me about this cuban jazz bar he went to last night. when the bar closed he ended up at this little after hours blues bar, hanging out till 6am.

ah i need a holiday.

when i was out with boy australia last night, we popped into a pub by the hotel for a drink before the movie. while we were there, we ran into a couple of his coworkers. you could see them giving me the once-over, trying to figure out who i am, why he's holding my hand. i'm sure he'll have some questions to answer tomorrow.

i'm really sleepy, though. i never sleep well in a strange place, and boy australia is a small block heater. i swear to god i thought i was going to die, a couple of times, i was so hot.

ok that might be a bit of an exaggeration. just a little, though. i may have actually been near death once or twice. maybe three times.

german asked me why i always take pictures in black and white. i think i just like the silvery exposure - like old time movie photos. we have a picture of my gramma (on my dad's side) taken when she was a young woman done in the old hollywood glamour style. she was a beautiful lady. i've always loved the picture, and kind of wished i could have the same kind taken of me. so i guess i'm just trying to take my own. plus i find it really hard to take pictures of myself in colour for some reason - i guess it's not as forgiving a medium.

ahh i'm tired. i'm going to wash my face and climb into bed. goodnight xoxo

you've read too many books you've seen too many plays

best laid plans and all - last night (yet again) was supposed to be an evening spent at home in the company of a novel and perhaps the cbc's stellar coverage of the turino festivities. yet again i ended up at the last minute having fun in impromptu activities. which is to say that i went to see 'walk the line' at a drive in with boy australia. and spending the night in a hotel.

well it's too far to drive home, you see.

really it is.

it's a long way away.

*ahem* anyway.

i haven't made out at a drive in for... well, ever actually. i used to go to the one up in pee gee, but when i was young it was usually a carload of girls and a bag full of weed. as an adult i used to take the kiddo for a novelty. i remember going to the last night it was open at the end of september and having to periodically scrape the frost off the inside of the windows. it was this depth of experience with gave me the foresight to bring a blanket. it was the blanket which gave me the wherewithal to remove my pants when invited to do so. fortunatley we arrived at the tail end of 'big momma 2', so i was ok with facing the back of the car.

i wouldn't have been so pleased to miss walk the line - i really did want to see that one. it was fabulous, by the way. if you haven't seen it i highly recommend it. r-r-a-A-A-W-W-w-r-r joaquin phoenix.

crack its weary spine and read

now this isn't to say that i'm damaged goods, by the way.

i'm double-three years old - i defy you to find someone who has made it to my age without baggage. however, as i like to think of it, some baggage is carry-on, and some requires a bellboy.

mine's carry-on, thanks. i can manage it by myself.

every time you close your eyes (lies)

it's colder than a mo-fo out there right now, and i swear to god every channel is playing olympic curling. who wants to watch olympic curling? not me that's for damn sure. oooo what's this? a repeat of the supernatural episode that i only half-watched on tuesday, 'cause i couldn't extricate myself from a conversation with dj-m? lovely. i'm in.

kids i got floor tickets for franz ferdinand and death cab. i'm pretty pleased with that situation. i also have a new favourite wine - debortoli 2003 petite sirah. it tastes like chocolate. i am *all about* sitting and drinking the whole bottle tonight. well, not the whole bottle, 'cause i shared with the mama and she likes it as much as i do. omg i think i'm going to EAT chocolate and drink the wine. how cool will THAT be?

i'm trying to write this post about my crazy ex-boyfriend and how he was a big part of the reason i didn't finish my degree. it's warbling around in my head right now, so i might just keep babbling till it comes out, ok?

work's been really crazy this week. like i've been running and running and it seems like i just can't catch up. i do have a great boss, though. she totally knows that she can just pretty much leave me to my own devices and i'll get put my head down and get shit done. today she emerged from her meetings for like five minutes and everybody EVERYBODY was clamouring for her attention and i asked one question and then went to turn back to my computer and she mouths at me "go home early" and gives me a big smile.

so i left half an hour early, which doesn't mean much 'cause i always answer emails all evening and will probably work for a while tomorrow morning and sunday morning 'cause i'm a kickass employee. but it was sunny beautiful and i picked up the kiddo and we went to tenbucks for tea and had a lovely chat and his phone rang five times and every time he said "yo i'm at starbucks with my mom i'll call you later". le sigh. it's almost that day again the day of no sleep all night staying up worrying the worst day of the year for me. we were driving home last night from dinner talking about music and he said how he loves apc's second album start to finish it's like a work of poetry. i said i have trouble listening to it, now, 'cause i was listening to it lots during that time so it puts me in a bad place. he was quiet for a minute and told me he knew what i meant.

this depression / anxiety thing is hereditary, you know. my dad's been sick for so long - so sick and there is no cure. i denied it and denied it pretended like i didn't need help and that what i was feeling was normal that keeping it inside and not talking was a-ok. but you know, it's not ok and sometimes it bubbles up bubbles up and out and you can't cope and that's what happened to the kiddo, that day.

i just hurt myself in other ways more subtle ways. i become attached to unavailable men to protect myself from getting swallowed alive the way i was with crazyjeremy. they abandon me and i am justified in my self-loathing and in my head i hear his voice echoing echoing saying 'every day i meet women who are more successful than you and better looking than you and they're all looking for the fairy tale. when are you going to wake up and realize that is not who you are - you are just a fuck. admit it."

it's more subtle, you know. you can't see the cuts on my arms can't see the blood on the floor on the sheets but they run deep. when they break open and bleed you know it 'cause i throw myself onto the dancefloor and into the bed with who ever will wrap me up and hide the pain in a few moments of pleasure.

crazyjeremy preyed on this - on my need to feel loved feel welcomed feel like *part* of something. he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and controlled me by threatening to take away his love and attention. when he smiled on me it was like the heavens opened up and the sun shone down upon my world. when he turned his attention away it was like the light would never shine again. and this was all tied up in drugs and the fact that i knew he was cheating and i was lost and alone 'cause he hated for me to spend time with anyone but him so i didn't have very many friends anymore.

he'd encourage me to do my schoolwork but then call me every fifteen minutes when i was at the school to check up on me. if i didn't answer 'cause i was in the library or teaching or in a meeting he'd freak out and accuse me of fucking someone else. pretty soon it was just easier to stay with him all the time and work in his cafe and in his salon and not go to school. eventually i was just so far behind and i had no self confidence at all anymore and i just... didn't... believe in myself anymore.

so i stopped.

and here i am - sometimes i wish i hadn't and sometimes i'm glad i did. i do know that he gave scars that will never fade, but they kind of make me who i am.

i'm done with sergio

so the australia boy reappeared last night. we had a weird emoticon-only conversation for about half an hour. sadly, most of my emoticons are dirty so after awhile it seemed like i was participating in a 'choose your own ending' porno. he did, eventually, actually start talking but it took a while.

now that i think about it, i'm horny, too. i guess i can't fault him for that, huh?

he sold his condo on the weekend and has scheduled his last day of work for the 3rd of march. he was studying for some upgrading exam but commented "for some reason you can distract me really easily". i think that's a compliment.

today is the sister's birthday. i am responsible for bringing cupcakes, and the giftie is taken care of 'cause i bought her a ticket to see franz ferdinand and death cab at the end of april. thank god, by the way, 'cause she's a hard one to shop for.

my head's spinning i'm so busy at work. i'll try and write some more later...

random confession #548

i'm addicted to sirius radio station #22 - first wave, which is to say 'classic' alternative music. which is to say the music i listened to as i spent my formative years brooding in my dark bedroom, scribbling angst-ridden poetry in a tattered notebook and reading kafka, is now considered 'classic'.

i feel so old.

valentine's day tally - one hershey's caramel kiss (colleague), one foil covered chocolate heart (yoga instructor), various cyber kisses, some lovely greetings. not bad for a single girl.

oh and tcb sent me an emoticon of a stick figure waggling a flaccid penis. that's all. haven't heard from him in weeks and he sends me a soft dick. wtf does *that* mean?

so how the heck do i top the valentine's day card to tony pierce? i might have to give up altogether and go out on top, like the sopranos, rather than jump the shark. from here on in i'll just be showing 'best of' clips and rehashing old plotlines.

unless, of course, i actually start talking about my past. and living an interesting present. then i might have a few more tricks up my sleeve.

i've been sleeping really poorly lately. the meds make me clench my jaw. when i'm awake i can sort of control it - pay attention and stop when i feel myself doing it. when i'm asleep, though, i don't even notice until the pain in my jaw wakes me up. when i can't sleep i listen to the cbc - late at night they play radio programs from all around the world. it's kind of cool to listen to people from germany, denmark, england, whereever, talking about what's making news. it's usually social stuff - not hard news, more op-ed. anyway, interesting only goes so far when you have to actually think at work, so i have an appointment to get a mouthguard next week. manoman i'm sleepy today, that's for sure.

when carlot boy came over last night i was wearing that skirt - getting ready for the big photo shoot (pre-lipstick). he liked it alot. what he liked better was bending me over to discover that i wasn't wearing any panties underneath. he showed his appreciation appropriately. i should probably add that to my valentine's list, huh? though it was a day in advance - does that still count? i think so.

ask and ye shall...

i learned two things this evening.
1) it is surprisingly difficult to write legibly in lipstick upon one's own belly.
2) it is nearly impossible to take a full length picture of yourself by your.. self. nk when are you going to get here?

they aren't my finest work but i hope that you will find them to your liking, mr pierce. xoxo

burn to ash and bone

i am all relaxed and yoga-rific. carlot boy was supposed to take me out for dinner tonight but he's not returned any text messages, nor did he pick up the phone when i called to ask if we had a plan.

this is quite normal for him, ergo i was half expecting it and shall probably just make valentine's cuppity cakes instead.

i'm ok with this plan. oh wait he's on the phone:
"oh crap is dinner tonight? i thought it was tomorrow."
"you were going to take me out for valentine's day?"
"oh crap is tomorrow valentine's day? i'm taking my mom out for dinner."

his mom? is that what we're calling it these days?
actually he's pretty tight with his family - that could very well be the case.

ah well. my valentine's day adventures will probably consist of drinking wine by myself and writing in my blog. that, or going to see a movie with a pack of engineers. not sure which is more appealing at this point...

all i can breathe is your life

you should go here. it's like i made you a mixed tape but really someone else did, 'cause i wouldn't have put those bad songs on. just the good ones.

i didn't end up staying home - mike b called while i was out buying cake makins and by the time i got home he was at my house to pick me up. we went out to some friends' place to drink wine and play pool and eat some really good food (which i mostly couldn't eat but whatevs). so the cake will be baked in the a.m. really it's much better to go out on a saturday than stay home baking. i'm not that old, yet.

i'm kind of drunk.

it is a good thing.

i realize that i self-medicate. there's no need to worry. there are people (mike b, the sister, ms. u) who keep a very close eye on me. i know that i can do what i will because one of the three of them will reel me in when i get a little too close to the edge. i know that i can trust in this 'cause i do it for them, too.

i am a little drunk, though, and really really want to have sex. but carlot boy is away, and there's not really any other likely prospects. and, when it's all said and done, i'm not really one for random encounters with strangers. they have their place, and they can be fun, but i prefer the opportunity for prolonged exploration of a person to a whambam most days.

walkin on sunshine

can i get an amen for two days of sunshine and glory here in raincouver? like twelve degrees amen. like i had the sunroof open amen. like i went out and celebrated with a new pair of sunglasses amen.

amen and hallelujah cause sweet mother of god i'm pretty sure i was growing webbed feet.

tonight will be another evening in with a bottle of wine, 'cause i'm attempting to make german chocolate cake for the sister's birthday dinner tomorrow. i think that i should try and avoid drinking TOO much wine until the cake has been made. fortunately, cake assembly will take place tomorrow 'cause the last time i baked a birthday cake i attempted this dense chocolate cake covered in ganache which (by all reports) was delicious but oh man it was seriously the ugliest cake i've ever seen in my life. i was embarassed to serve it.

seriously.

so there will be no alcohol consumed before cake assembly this time, as a precaution. i might go upstairs and make some cookies right now though, so we have warm chocolate chippers for dinner. mmmm.

you want tah-tahs?

tonight i feel like staying at home in bed talking to you, drinking wine, and watching hockey. is that ok? oh man i've screwed up the image upload 2x and i've only had two glasses of wine. this bodes poorly for the quality of this post. i apologize in advance. that's morning me, by the way, in case you wanted to know in advance what i look like when i first get up. there is no colour until i've had coffee. usually i'm wearing jammies, but i was having crazy dreams last night and when i woke up my shirt was on the other side of the room.

they weren't dirty dreams, either - they were more conflict dreams. for some reason i was the only person who knew how to get a hold of tnb's best friend, and tnb had to come to see me to get his phone number but i wouldn't give it to him 'cause i was pissed still at him for disappearing off the face of the earth. so he was mad at me and i was mad at him and all i could say to him was "i don't want to be the girl you call every ten years when you are leaving a fucked up relationship. i'm not here to fuck your issues away." my dream-self sure did do a good job of sticking up for me.

now if only she'd wake up someday and do it for real.

and yes i do almost always sleep with the world's oldest laptop (pictured above(usually not open, though, unless i fall asleep chatting with someone. (which has happened.))). that, a remote control, my crackberry, and my cellphone. no men, sadly, though the carboy did come crawl into bed with me to watch tv the other night while he waited to go pick his brother up at hockey. the other side of my bed is generally considered auxiliary closet space.

the carboy is an interesting person to spend time with. he's five years younger than me and earns five times more. he's super nice, is a good kisser, has the softest skin ever, but is never around. it's 'cause he works like he's forty, he says, but it's what he has to do if he wants to retire at 35. he's also gone to florida for a weekend but is supposed to come back and take me out for dinner on monday. would you believe that we've gone for drinks a billion times. we've driven aimlessly through rainstruck nights talking and listening to the radio. he's seen me naked twice. we've never gone out for dinner or done anything remotely 'normal'. funny, huh?

i'm trying to think of 'when i was young' stories for nk, but i'm having trouble with it for some reason. it's not that i don't *have* stories, it's that it is somehow difficult to siphon it into a coherent narrative. maybe once i have some more wine.

time goes by so slowly

i feel like i should be publishing something controversial, or flagrantly dirty, or ... something, but i got nuttin.

i've been crazy busy at work the last couple of days - that might be why. i feel really drained by the time i get home. it's kind of a good tired, though. not the lethargic exhausted that i have been for the past while.

help. give me some ideers. whatcha want to know about hear about talk about.
i feel like some interaction.

(wordcloud via roonie)

sing lazarus

last night i was listening to leonard cohen talk on the cbc while i baked cookies.

i forget, you know, i forget the power of words - how they can take me outside myself and lull me into a rapid transit thought process that hurries and flows in and out of ideas with quicksilver rapidity.

it used to be my life's goal to work with words... to play with theories and metaphors... to take an idea and give it life on the page or with my voice... to weave together syllables... to provoke with consonants and vowels.

i seem to have lost sight of that.

my job is challenging and i enjoy it. my work involves eddying people and information to and fro and attempting to garner coherence from both.

just a side step away from where i thought i'd be, really.

but it is a big side step.

posted beside my computer is a quote from one of my favourite theorists, stephen greenblatt:

For history is not simply discovered in the precincts surrounding the literary text, or the performance or the image; it is found in the artworks themselves, as enabling condition, shaping force, forger of meaning, censor, community of patronage and reception. And the work of art is not the passive surface on which this historical experience leaves its stamp, but one of the creative agents in the fashioning and re-fashioning of the experience".

i have been a passive surface. i want to once again fashion and refashion my experience - be a wave of turbulence rolling through my world.

my brother's thesis supervisor is my former thesis supervisor. my brother told me that this professor talks about me in class - as the one who got away, the one who was published before finishing her B.A., the one who... the one who. somedays i wake up and second guess my decision to leave school, though really it wasn't a decision it was an imperative. somedays i wake up and love where i am and what i'm doing so much that i don't doubt it for a second.

these words, though, are my soul. these words, though, live inside of me and burn with a fire that i cannot contain. these words, though, seek freedom and solace on the page, in the air, on the screen. these words, though, need to be set free.

last night leonard cohen said that the greatest thing we can do is forgive ourselves our imperfections because, after all, what are we but imperfections. i can forgive myself, if you can forgive me for sharing them with you.

caffiene free faux punk fatigues

it's wierd - monday is simultaneously my least favourite and most favourite day of the week: least favourite 'cause, well, it's monday, and most favourite 'cause i have my yoga class and i come home all relaxed and calm with a smile in my heart and eat something by myself and look at the paper and then maybe have a bath and a glass of wine and crawl into bed.

which is where i am now.

at 8.47 pm.

but seriously, i'm so relaxed right now i feel the need to prop my eyes open with toothpicks. and that's a good thing.

today i added wellbutrin to my celexa in order to counteract the worst possible side effects (except weight gain (borderline eating disorder)) that any drug could have for me. the research i've read is promising, but the fact that wellbutrin itself is a fairly well thought-of antidepressant leads me to ponder this: why wellbutrin *and* celexa? why not just wellbutrin? of course this did not occur to me the other day when i was at the doctor's office. i shall ask the next time i go in, however. oh yes i will.

i did spend a chunk of the day feeling like i used to when i'd take half an e before heading out to run errands - sort of vibraty and with a manic kind of swing to my step, wondering if everyone could tell that i was just a little bit high. settle down, this was years ago. and yes, i did have a bit of a problem. that's why i went cold turkey for years.

as an aside, one of the studies i read while poking about the internet spoke of one woman who experienced a spontaneous orgasm which lasted, off and on, for about two hours after beginning to take wellbutrin. now *that's* a side effect i could really sink my teeth into.

anyway, i'm tired of fighting the sandman. i'm going to just let him in, now.

g'nite xoxo

*yawn*

the spectre of janet jackson's tit still looms over the superbowl. for the second year in a row we are subjected to outdated vanilla boomerpop for the halftime 'show'. i wonder who's on the bill for next year? burt bacharach?

not like the grey cup fares much better, mind you, but come on now. what's your demographic? is the audience really made up of my parents' generation, exclusively? if you are looking for an inoffensive cookie cutter rock band throw nickleback up there. get beyonce to shake what her mama made her. you KNOW jay-z ain't gonna let her get outta line.

it is interesting, though, to recall the fact that mick & co would NEVER have made it on that stage back when they were young and on top of their game. now that they're eligible for senior's discounts i guess the powers that be are fairly confident that jagger won't be wearing a see through white lace suit, as he may have in the late sixties.


thank god for small miracles.

too much blushy-blushy, not enough sucky-fucky

i went to see the matador last night with the sister. while this was not, by any means, the debaucherous fun of last weekend, it was fun nonetheless. in fact, i laughed my way through the film. pierce brosnan as a lecherous burned out assassin, for some reason, tickles my funny bone.

i also wrote a heart-felt post about love and loss and the way that people come into your life and then disappear, leaving behind them a small hole in your psyche which can probably never be filled by anyone else. but it was, somehow, lost in the grand blogger upgrade of yesterday. dammit.

our internet has been down all day. it's funny how disconnected i feel when i'm - well - disconnected. actually i feel sort of outside myself completely today. i feel kind of like i'm watching my body go through the motions of the day, without fully participating in them.

it's not the best feeling in the world, that's for sure. what're we going to do with me?

holy crap

i can't look at my own blog. it's forbidden.

what the fuck does THAT mean?

friday i'm in love

The sister, with a stern glance, has advised me to keep my tah-tahs in check. What inspired her to do this, you ask? Well ‘cause I theorized that if I got’em out more often, I may have better lovelifeluck. Say that six times fast. She figures if I cage them, on the other hand, I might actually meet men how aren’t interested exclusively in said tah-tahs.

However, they do have a mind of their own, and do not take well to being left out of romantic negotiations. Or any other negotiations, for that matter.

I’m very glad it’s Friday. It’s been a crazy week of catching up on work missed, taking the bus, and feeling bummed ‘cause tcb dropped off the face of the planet. Not to mention the fact that I get exHAUSTed at the slightest exertion (flu holdover) so walking the .5km from the bus stop to tenbucks (where I meet my ride) near to knocks me on my skinny little ass. So this evening, I believe, will be a quiet one at the pub watching hockey and maybe having a beer or two. I had thought of going to see Kaskade tomorrow but think I might skippit. My soul is weary, a little. Some days it ain’t easy being green, you know?

On the other hand, I could go over to Victoria for the night. Spending time with W49 is always a good thing. He’s fun and sweet and peaceful. Too bad he’s a) young and b) living in another city. I don’t, however, have to make that decision right now.

That’s right, Sundae. Procrastinate.

sweet mother of god

someone just found my site by googling "clit exploding".

(weeps silent tears of sympathetic pain)

i kill myself 'cause i'm so frustrated

so clearly the battery was *not* the issue with my car. must be the alternator. stink. this means that i am unsure of how i'm going to get myself and my vehicle home.

ahhh i'm not sure what i want to talk about today, but i know it's not my car. it's wednesday and they're the longest days of the week. haven't heard from tcb in a couple of days. my boss is back today so it will be really busy and i'm still tired and achy and wish i could sleep for a year.

i did, however, get to see the hot guy on supernatural makin' out last night which was a-ok in my book. rawr. plus, when i got home, i poked my head in the kiddo's room, said 'i got you a six-pack', then laughed at the change in his expression when i threw six pairs of new sox at him. seriously - it's the little things like that which make parenthood all worthwhile.

diamonds are a girls best friend

the dumb ox wrote:

An important point, don't yell at me. Raspberry or others, I never slept with anyone that I didn't believe I was going to marry. My hopes sometimes were totally delusional, and caused a lot of suffering for both parties.

And yes, I had some sex partners, not in actual coitus, who I didn't think there was much of a chance for a future together.

So the end of the story. Well who know?

In the meantime, I am married to the most fantastic, feisty, tough, beautiful, Italian babe in the world.

She was able to take care of me when I had cancer and bring our second son into the world. She's amazing, as I imagine you are, and will be for someone!

Don't worry, God loves you. As silly as that sounds.

Oh well, I wish my dad had told me things like this, and I offer it to you (all) for what it's worth.

so i noticed that no one commented back to him. and you may be thinking to yourselves that his opinion is so far away from the sundae philosophy of decadence and debauchery that i'm going to a)ignore it or b)blast away a rebuttal.

funny thing is that i agree with him.

to an extent.

see, my dad is a very old fashioned irish catholic gentleman. he's never sworn in front of my mother or my sister and i. you don't talk that way in front of ladies. he raised us to be good catholic girls who respected themselves and their parents, and he taught us that sex before marriage was something that good girls didn't do. unfortunately for my poor father, he was blessed (ahem) with an eldest daughter who had an unnaturally inquiring mind, a deep spirit of sensuality and a burning desire to experience all of life to its fullest.

and, for me, this includes sex.

my sister has often told me that she's almost jealous of the way that i am. i'm a sexual person - i've been told that you can sense it bubbling just below my surface. i love it. to me the way that two bodies come together is a path to transendence that i've only ever experienced in one other way - blasted out of my mind on e in the middle of a heaving dancefloor riding the beat of dark dark electronic music.

when i bake bread, i put my hands in the bowl. i need to feel the miracle of chemistry take place as the yeast melds with the sugar combines with the water joins with the flour to become a living breathing organism growing and rising to the touch of your skin, warming with the heat of your fingers.

when i am with a man, i need to feel him in me. i need to feel our bodies join together to become one living breathing organism rising to the touch of my skin, warming to the heat of my fingers. to me that is life - it is as integral as breath.

now, my new friend the ox may be scratching his head as he reads this, wondering how it is that i'm agreeing with him.

the thing is that i know this way of life isn't for everyone. i know that, for some people, not being sexually active until you find the person you are going to (hopefully) spend the rest of your life with is very important. and i respect that and even understand it.

i just know that it's not who i am.

up until five years ago i wasn't going to get married. i was never the girl who fantasized about the princess wedding and the frothy white gown. for as long as my parents can remember i swore up and down that i wasn't going to marry, wasn't going to have kids. i was going to go to school, get a career, live on my own. seriously - we're talking raspberry at 6 years old declaring to her mom's coffee friends that babies weren't the way.

then, while sitting at a cousin's wedding, surrounded by the aunties and uncles, i realized that maybe, just maybe, this was, in fact, something that was important to me. i don't have a biological clock. i won't be having more kids. period. but someday, maybe, i'd like to find a kindred spirit out there, somewhere - a man who is as deeply sensual as i am. a man who has a sense of humour that can bring me up out of my blackest moods. a man who wants to spend the rest of his life going on adventures with me. a man who believes that you should strive, every day of your life, to do something that you've never done before, even if it is something as minor as drive a new way home from work, or only use your left hand.

do i believe that man is out there? honestly, i don't know. but i'm not the kind of person who can give up having her own adventures, give up experiencing all of my senses to their fullest, while i wait for him to come along.

i believe that you are responsible to live your life each day in a way that is true to who you are. for some people that means waiting for marriage to fully celebrate the beauty that is a sexual relationship. for some people, like my friends in victoria, that is respecting their partner's right to have multiple sexual relationships within the sacred space of a "marriage". for some people, it's finding solace and peace and fire and heat and passion in the arms of a person who is sweet to them, who respects them, and who is seeking the same thing as they are - be it a few months, a few years, or a few hours.

should i someday get married, i hope that it will be forever. i believe in 'till death do you part'. i also think that sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons, or marry too young, or marry the wrong people, or just grow apart, so i don't know how reasonable that is.

i do know that my parents have weathered some unbelievably rough times together. my dad's illness over the last decade has worn on us all - but my mother most especially. but she has stuck by him, unfalteringly, unquestionably. and i'm that kind of woman as well.

so there, ox, is my answer to your comment. i agree with you - waiting to have 'coitus' until you were with someone you believed you would marry was exactly the right thing to do, for you.

but if i'd followed that path, i wouldn't have had the kiddo. and if i'd not had the kiddo, the chances of me living beyond my 21st birthday are slim to none. having the kiddo saved my relationship with my dad, and my dad's my hero. having the kiddo in my life has brought me joy in moments where i honestly never thought i'd see sunshine again.

so maybe, just maybe, i'm following the path that's exactly right, for me.

baby ain't it crazy just to want it

notes to self:
1) remember to wash your coffee cup before you leave work on friday afternoons. you never know when you will be off for a week unexpectedly. *shudders*.
2) after being off work with the worst flu you've ever had, it may not be the best idea to spend all day in the rain/playing in the snow and then stay up all night dancing.

how old am i? oh yes, double-three. you'd think i'd have these semi-basic things figured out by now.

i seriously did nothing yesterday, except drive the kiddo and four of his friends down to a cafe dahn-tahn to see the blood brothers. he wandered in around 1am - he's gonna be more tired than me this morning. i am, quite honestly, exhausted. like deep down muscle ache tired. like i could use more time off work but would never EVER be able to catch up if i didn't come in. i did hear on the radio this morning that there is more chance of dying of a heart attack or stroke on monday morning than any other time of the week, 'cause everyone is so stressed out about going back to work that their blood pressure is way up. i know mine is, today.

or it would be if my heart wasn't too tired to beat.

*yawn*

sleeping in the sun (lazybones)

which would be, of course, what i *wish* i were doing. or sleeping in the shade. or sleeping in the light filtered through the clouds. the operative word being sleeping. clearly.

i am a chronic early riser - a fact that never fails to delight and amuse the men i spend the night with. after the first night i spent with tcb he rolled over at 8.30am, looked at my wide awake ass said bearily "i need another hour". this morning, when my eyes popped open four short hours after they closed, i tried to roll over and say to myself "i need another hour". self did not listen, sadly, and chased me up the stairs to find coffee.

i don't imagine, however, that today will be a high-functioning brain process day.

true to form, i picked my spot on the dancefloor and stayed there all night. g came wandering up as farina hit the stage, laughing 'cause i guess he'd asked his friend if we had been spotted yet. j said he hadn't seen us and g responded, 'but they are always right... there' and sure enough there we were. i danced for hours and hours solid, then got back to the condo to find two drunkentextmessages on my phone from tcb. sadly they were from HOURS previous and he was already passed out when i got them. 'else i'd be there not here and probably naked not wearing fuzzy blue jammies.

i would be, however, awake regardless of where i was. stink.

come dancing

if you are in vancouver tonight hit the commodore and come say hi.
i'll be dancing my skinny little ass off.

have a great night!

it's save *on* tuna, elvis

i have a new favourite song.

no it's not the madonna one, but i really like that one too. shh. i need to go dancing. the divine ms u and i will be on the floor front and centre for his highness of house mark farina tomorrow night. he probably won't play this, but he may play the madonna one. a girl can dream.

i'd also like to get off my tits tomorrow night, but i'm really broke-o-la, so i may have to borrow some cash to make it happen. i would like to meet cute boys who will buy me drinks, but my tendency when i go dancing is to find myself a little place just to the right (my right not his) of the dj and stay there

all

night

long.

you pretty much have to drag me off for company/water/cocktails/flirting/all of the above, so it'll be comfy clothes and dancing shoes and i'm good to go.

you can't tell from the photo but i just got out of the tub so my hair's all damp from the bath and i am soft and smell sweet like black raspberry & vanilla body lotion. i'm also wearing the girliest panties imaginable and a tshirt with a monkey skull on it. whatevs.

ohh i also just heard the subways and this band makes me happy also. can you tell i'm sitting at home having a glass of wine (purely medicinal) and watching the wedge on muchmusic? wild and crazy friday night for the sundae.

wild.
and.
crazy.

but it's all good 'cause tomorrow i go out to dance my ass off and work out the frustration of a week of sick and the only nice boy to come my way in months (years) moving as far away from me as is humanly possible. maybe i'll find myself a dirty dirty boy to really work my frustrations out and then i'll have good stories for you.

emo sux

oh this is funny:

hm

so the palestinian people have elected the 'terrorist' party Hamas to make up its government via a free and democratic electoral process. this has, of course, sparked concern, outrage, and consternation throughout the western world, as Hamas has been denounced and banned by the us, the eu, and canada. the soundbite that i caught this morning which made me giggle to myself was from prime minister tony blair: "...they have to decide between a path of democracy or a path of violence."

has anybody mentioned this to george w?

damn.

tony is, of course, beyond reproach. he's the king of the world and i think deep down inside the reason i can't find a man who can handle me is 'cause i'm waiting for tony pierce. every day he opens up his mind and lets his words flow. you name it he knows something about it and can discourse with skill.

it sounds like i'm sucking up but i'm not. when you impress me you impress me and i have no problem letting you know. tony talks about politics and women and music and he does so with love and respect. tony pierce is beyond reproach.

save me from the borrowed cloud i'm on

so the last guy i dated who decided to move away just stopped talking to me and left me to figure it out on my own.my money's on this one doing the same thing. anyone want a piece of that action?

i am missing yoga tonight. i am still too wobbly to go stand on one leg or balance in proud warriors 1 through 3, but will try and go to work tomorrow. you know, 'cause it's friday and why not do a solid day's work in order to be fully able to appreciate the weekend?

not to mention the fact that, if i don't go to work tomorrow, i might just go fcuking postal and kill my whole family 'cause i'm sick and tired of being trapped in my room with ellen.

sorry ellen but the honeymoon is over and you ain't got the dick to keep me interested.

i've been running through my blogroll about twenty times a day wishing you people would all update more regularly thank god for dlisted 'cause he updates four-six times daily. raymi too.

the indies

the nominations are up.

go here and vote for the constantines (for some magazine's best band) and the hermit (best electronica).

do it.

weighed down with words too over-dramatic

oh tcb got the job.

i want to jump around with joy and bawl my eyes out at the same time.

this may be because i'm sick.

this may be because i become fixated on unavailable men and fuckin hell you can't get much more unavailable than australia.

funny

dizzy up the girl

i still can't stand up long enough to take a shower. yes i realize this is gross. i am weak enough that i missed yoga last night and am currently missing my first spanish class. the yoga i can make up on thursday. the spanish i will have to cram for. fortunately my papa is taking the class as well and i can (as was previously witnessed by a grade eight aged sundae who spent many an evening at his mercy trying to learn algebra) count on him to be an educational hardass therefore have thorough and/or neat&tidy notes for me to copy.

tomorrow, i believe, will be another day of bed and afternoon tv. ellen and the sundae are now tight.

tight.

i wish i could dance when she does, but i get the spins and have to lie down. i feel like i'm letting you down, ellen. i'm so sorry, sweet dory, will you ever forgive me?

the worst part is that i can't pay attention to anything for long enough to read. i've been playing with my template but can't really focus so the best i could manage was a new image. it's kind of cute though. maybe tomorrow i'll do something a little more fancy-schmancy.

now that the conservatives are in power, i plan on using the profits garnered from my 1% gst reduction to engage in a life of debauchery and hedonism. especially since it's becoming more and more apparent that a monogamous fulfilling relationship is not in the cards for me. perhaps i'll spend my first million on sex toys and leather wear.

ahem.

anyway.

in the meantime, check out rick mercer's predictions on sharper's cabinet picks. it'll be interesting to see how many he's called.

baby we're goin down swinging

what i want to say is "don't go. i have this funny feeling in my belly about you. well, about you and me. stay here and let's see what happens. we can go on adventures and laugh and cry and scream and fuck and travel and laugh some more and it won't always be awesome but it will always be worth it and you'll never wonder what if."

what i will say is "this is an awesome opportunity and i totally envy you the possibility. i'm sure you will be successful and amazingly happy. good luck."

this is, of course, academic for the moment. he hasn't technically got the job yet. but he will, of course, because he's normal, and nice, has started dating me, and i actually like him. it was no coincidence that he got called for an interview the monday after our first date. i told him as much the other night. told him to just think of me as his good luck charm. he laughed, as though he didn't quite believe me but said thanks anyway.

sick-o

home sick. dunno if i've got the flu or if it's just the meds but i've been sleeping for the better part of the last 36 hours and am really nauseous. see that guy in the classmates add? the one there on the bottom? i'm pretty sure he was my elementary school crush in grades six and seven. like, if i dug through some boxes, i could probably find that very picture. how funny is that? i guarantee you he didn't marry that chick in the photo above. she may, however, have been our grade seven teacher in an earlier life.

the cute boy nearly got his ear ripped off playing hockey on saturday night. like the picture he sent me is GROSS - there is something like eleven stitches in his earlobe. *shudders*. yes picture. no i didn't rush to his side to hold his hand when he was in the er. no he didn't call me. yes that is a very good thing. i would have probably gone and then been grumpy about it 'cause i'm pathologically afraid of hospitals. also of escalators but that's a post for another day.

ok i need to go back to sleep now. i *have* been awake for an hour now, you know.

hold on a frickin' second

i forgot about the sexual side effects associated with some forms of anti depressants.

like, how it now takes me a year and a half to ... erm ... you know.


this is not cool how long does it last make it go away oh my god i may die.

fortunately the cute boy seems willing to wait it out. as in is willing to keep going for seemingly endless periods of time. thank fucking christ. speaking of, is the cute boy an appropriate moniker? as in tcb? will that be too readily confused with tnb?

shit have just been reading they don't go away. will have to go back to the dr.

best. post. ever

if vanessa carlton ever comes within 50 feet of me i am going to do my pikachu impression and shoot lightning bolts up her asshole into her spine and turn her brain into mad cow diseased hamburger to serve them to her fucking record company executives and watch them twitch themselves into a pit of aids needles while lighting on fire for the unforgivable crime of that TERRIBLE FUCKING CD.


the motherfucking pants.

how is it not friday?

you really want BA Barracus on your side in these situations – especially when he’s a flesh eating deranged zombie.

i just now noticed that i have 666 posts. if i'd noticed that before i would have gone one of two ways - either stopped there forever, or immediately written a nothing post to get over the hump. i can't decide.

anyway.

this is the first time all week that i've been home before 7pm. i'm vehicularly challenged, you see, and have been relying on the kindness of strangers. or not strangers, but colleagues. you get my drift. in addition to this, my doctor has prescribed celexa for me. it's leaving me in this weird state where all i feel is sort of a numb nausea, and my sleeping is messed up. i take it at night 'cause it is supposed to make you drowsy, which is a bad before work idea. and it does make me drowsy, but it also, weirdly makes me really wired and unable to fall asleep. oh and there's the feeling constantly like i'm going to vomit. hopefully that goes away.

none of this is a worthy excuse for not posting in days, but at the same time it's a great excuse, really, 'cause i haven't been myself. mind you, there is a whole lot of that going around the innerweb, i think, 'cause the ennui i am feeling seems to be fairly endemic.

in other news, remember the cute guy i went out with last weekend? the one that makes my heart go pit-a-pat? yeah, he had an interview for his dream job the other night. sadly, it's in australia. figures.

polyphonic prostitute (now it's suitable)

sex with tnb was pretty good. if i had one complaint, it was that he never went down on me. well, i can't say *never* 'cause i think he did three times in the entire nine months we dated. but close to never. he sure was a willing recipient of the oral love, just a not so willing... decipient? purveyor. yeah, purveyor.

saturday night i went to watch him (not tnb) play hockey. lucky for me, the rink he was on was viewable from the pub and so, left to my own devices, i quietly got drunk to keep myself amused. (well, and had a weirdly serious spiritual type conversation with a woman who was there to support the opposing team, but that's an entry for another day.) i figured he'd take forever once the game ended - they sit around after and drink beer and rehash every single play - but he came out straight away, dumped his gear in the car and sat down beside me. we had another beer, then headed back to his place and he showed me in, then tucked me up on the couch with a blanket while he put his gear away. after a few minutes, he came down, popped in the dvd and crawled under the blanket with me, scooping my legs up over his lap so that i was half on the couch, half on top of him. he reached down, picked up my hand in his, and started kissing my knuckles, sort of absent-mindedly, almost unconciously. i snuggled down on the couch, enjoying the warmth of the blanket and of his mouth. "do you want to lie down?" i asked. he didn't answer, just slid me forward a bit on the couch and curled in behind me, never letting go of my hand.

tnb never used his mouth enough. i love the feel of a man's mouth - so much harder than a woman's, soft but hard, rough but gentle. he scraped his teeth across my knuckles, not watching me, just knowing, feeling me shudder. he reached up, pushed my hair back, and took my earlobe in his teeth, flicking his tongue against it. it was almost more than i could bear- i turned my head and kissed him, grabbing his bottom lip with my teeth and pulling him over on top of me in one motion. i wanted him now NOW but he knew better, knew enough to pull back, undo my shirt, slip it off, pull my tits out of my bra and suck them gently, gently, then not so gently. he ran his tongue down my belly to the top of my jeans, tugging the button open, pulling them down off my hips, tugging the waist of my panties in his teeth and he moved down, keeps moving down, down, pulling my clothes off, kissing me all the way down, scraping his teeth on my hips, running his tongue along the crease at the top of my legs. jeans are off now, pulls my hips up to meet his mouth, licks me from my ass all the way around to my clit then latches on, sucks and licks and bites till i almost can't take it anymore, scoops me up and lays me down on the floor bends over me so that i can take him in my mouth at the same time all the while kissing and licking and biting me, using his tongue and his fingers and his teeth and his lips.

pirates of the caribbean, huh? now i understand..