back to work tomorrow

ben just came on line. he was on his way to the airport to head back. i came pretty close to shedding a wee tear and had to do a 'year in the life of hanging out with ben' retrospective in my head.

so much stuff has been going on in my life lately - all this stuff with calvin; work not being so fun; grandma in the hospital; boy stuff. i hate feeling like a whiner, but man, sometimes i wish it would just lay off, you know? i wish life would just settle in and be good for a while. i truly believe that you get back what you send out, and i'm really really trying to send out positivity. and, i must admit, that there are some really great people in my life, and i have been definitely having some fun times.

ah i don't know what i'm complaining about. in the grand scheme of things, i've got it fairly good. i should just start to be accepting of my lot in life and happy with what i've been handed, right? (it is at this point that i can hear stacy freaking out in my head).

i don't believe in an afterlife. i don't think that my reward for living a good life and being kind and giving will come to me in the 'beyond'. i just have to learn either to a) start living for myself and not giving out so much to other people (especially people who don't deserve it) or b) not caring. i'd hate to be all jaded and negative though. that's not me. i *am* a nice person. i *am* a positive person. sometimes, though, it just seems like there's no real point...