so i spent the night in the hospital. calvin had to go to emergency cause he was cutting his arm again; since it's the third 'incident' in less than that many weeks, the doctor committed him to the psychiatric ward. we waited till after 3 to find an open bed, then went by ambulance. they wouldn't let me stay - i had to get my dad to come and get me.
this is the worst i've ever felt in my entire life. i can't stop thinking back and wondering how i could have stopped this. i keep remembering stuff that happened only a year ago - a trip we took to kamloops, for example, for a track meet and how happy he was. why can't i just make it better for him? why doesn't there seem to be anything i can do?
maktaaq has a link on her blog to a person who was planning on committing suicide yesterday. while on one level i understand the sensation - feeling like there is no one in the world who can help you; that life is fruitless and without joy. but on another level it pisses me off so much cause right now i'm living on the other side of it. i'm watching the person i care more about than anything else in the world slowly destroy himself and o my god it hurts so much, cause there is nothing i can do
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