musing

the nite of bun's goodbye fete, i wandered into a conversation between the younger n and some other guy from our work, who shall be called, from this point onward, smith. not because i'm protecting his privacy or anything (since when have i done that in this blog? mwah ha ha) but because i can't remember his name for the life of me. smith had been chatting jen up for most of the evening. i guess he has a tendency to attach himself to women and then become quite possessive of them after an hour or so spent together. knowing this, N1 went up to them and started talking to jen - not in an overly flirtatious manner or anything, just friendly like. smith became quite irate with N1. the conversation i wandered into stemmed from this - N2 was consoling him saying that there are two kinds of women - the 'arty' kind, and the other kind, which is the type that him & N1 end up with. i was trying to figure out where i fell into the mix - i wouldn't say that i'm particularly arty - at least in the way that i define myself i never see myself fitting into the kitschy artist style mode - but i can see how it would perhaps seem that way to an outsider. N2 never did answer me... he just backpedalled cause he was embarressed about pigeonholing and being called on it.

but it's interesting to think how the way that people view you is so much different from the way you perceive yourself, isn't it? would you want to know how others view you? i kind of do, sometimes - especially cause i do have a tendency to 'wear' personalities. there are certain people i'd like to take out and spend a lot of time with one on one so that they can see who i 'really' am... or at least see some of the other stuff i have to offer. but then, maybe that kind of stuff isn't interesting to the people i'm thinking of? hmm i don't know.

later that nite, when we were back at N²'s place, N2 was talking to john while i was getting a drink in the kitchen... i overheard john saying "she's so *nice*!".. and N2 saying "i *know* - she drove me all the way back her to get my id...". what was funny about the exchange was how *surprised* they sounded. don't i seem nice? i like to think i am...

my friend todd told me once that i was too "styley" for guys. is that what they mean by 'arty'? and why would i be too "styley"? what, exactly, does that mean? it totally stuck with me, though. i am trying so hard to be true to who i am - not an easy feat when i'm working at a corporate style job - that things like that really strike a chord; make me doubt myself a little bit. which i hate.

i guess it goes back to my desire to find a niche.. but then if i'm really comfortable with myself, is it that important to have people who are also comfortable with who i am? i think so. community... belonging.. these are all ingrained human desires and needs. i'm no different. i think i'm just looking in the wrong places - at least on the romantic side of things. i'm looking at guys who are looking for the 'other' kind of woman, i guess.